hello.. happy july 12... JULY 12th...where the hell does the time go.
I have loads of thoughts today. About life and love and relationships and living and home and so much more.


To start...life and love...and the loss of something so so special.  Wednesday July 7th was a hard day on the hearts of so many people around me. Two very very special lives were lost.  One very early in the morning to a 7 week battle with meningitis and the other late in the evening in a tragic murder ending a 4 year battle with an obsessive stalker.  Although I cannot say that I knew either of these people extremely well, I knew of them.  I knew of them as amazing, loving, caring people.  I heard stories of John with the girls and my best friend and laughing and being so much support. I remember Vonnie's smiling face welcoming me into her home and feeling so cared for just in the short time. I have heard person after person speak of how loving, caring and giving she was, and will always be.  And my heart hurts for the loss of these amazing people, for the loved ones who now have to feel the pain and navigate life from a whole new lens.  My heart hurts for those who have lost someone to love, laugh with, hold them up and guide them through this crazy amazing and scary life.  
Yet, my heart soars at the support I have seen pour out to these loved ones for both families.  Last night I stood on the packed court house lawn listening to stories about Vonnies life, taking a moment of silence for this tragic loss, and holding back the tears from my hurting heart for her family and close friends.   I have seen love pour out to the close friends and family of Johnny and heard amazing words of wisdom and understanding that have come out of this.  
As scary as it all is, as much as it reminds me of the constant battles we face, at the same time it reminds me of the support we have, the ability we as humans have to hold each other up, to learn from the hardest things, to become wise and understanding, to love, to learn and more importantly than anything else in the world, to live. 
It reminds me that nothing is ever for sure, and that this moment is my only guarantee. To enjoy every second.  To reach out to the people that mean the most to me and be sure that they know how much they mean to me.  It reminds me of the amazing support group that makes up this town...it is unique, so very unique. There is a lot of love in this world.  So many scary things yet so much love to help us through those, somehow, even though at times it seems like we cant go any further, it seems there is always someone, somewhere to push us that extra step. And forever and always my heart goes out to those who are feeling the pain of the loss so deep, you are special, you are strong, you are loved and there is something to hold onto, somewhere. I hope Vonnie and Johnny you are with Eric, and things are a little less complicated up there!


All of the rest of my thoughts seem a little less important after that, but they are all relative. Life is a crazy thing. A roller coaster of emotions and ups and downs and loosing and winning.  Of falling and getting back up and jumping for joy. Of learning and growing.  And Im doing all of that.  I have had so many moments of gratitude and joy this summer... to be hiking with Liv, lounging with Molly, laughing so hard it hurts, making money, spending time outside, so many things.  This place is amazing.  And I have moments that  I feel like Im doing it just right, and I have moments that I wish I could fall asleep and wake up to rainbows and butterflies and answers.  And there are times in my life when those moments where I felt unsure of myself and my decisions and the people I let into my life have really bogged me down, have hurt to the core and been so tragic to my well being.  And today I cant say those moments are no more, or really ever will be, but I think Im learning to feel them differently. Im a strong proponent of feeling, of being human, of making mistakes and crying and laughing and following your heart and wondering why you followed it...I think its important, its part of life and living and taking risks and growing.  But I am also learning that you have to learn to feel just the right amount.  And to find ways to keep things that are far from tragic from seeming tragic.  You have to learn to laugh about it and shrug your shoulders and in a weird way move on.  I still have a hard time with that..moving on, letting go, forgetting...and I dont ever wanna do too much of that, but Im trying to find the balance. Im tellin ya, Im all about the balance these days :)


Finally, some thoughts on home.  Cause it seems for quite some time, years ahead of me, the idea of home will forever be something changing and growing and as far from stagnant as possible.  There are things here that drive me up the wall.  The mess of this house that I will continue to clean up, the frustrations with my mom, the reminders of what used to be, the boredom...and there are things about this place that make my heart soar so high above the stars that all those little things just float away with my heart.  The comfort of Eric's pictures on the wall, pottery dishes I made when I was 8 still in the cabinet, couches where so much life happened, a queen size bed where i sleep like a baby, this huge back yard to play with Talus in, everything outside, the stars, the coffee shop and so much more.  I miss school, every day, I miss things about that being home, and it is, it was, it will be for three more years...but this right here baby, this is home in its best definition.  I imagine everyones homes being so different, so unique, so impossible to imagine until you have experienced them.  The dynamics of the people who live in the homes, the way they are set up, the "stuff" they are filled with, the way they are taken care of and the living that geos on.  All different and special and for that reason home like no where else in the world.  Im trying to enjoy it, I really am, and trying not to fall into all that this used to be but instead holding onto all that I have learned and trying to let the amazingness out do the not so amazingness. I think about what my next home home will be.  The one where my kids grow up and come back to and still feel so connected to... I hope that that one will be out of this world....


I played hard this weekend...and in turn got too little sleep, was burnt out all day yesterday at work but woke up before my alarm and had a realization that in two days i was outta here.  Like i said its easy to fall into the habit, the routine, the boredom that makes being home this summer, and all of a sudden I realized Im going to DC for 5 days for RYLA North America and IM SO EXCITED! I think it was about perfect timing I was really looking for a break.  I cant wait to meet new people and learn so much and feel my heart flutter for RYLA magic and inspiration and making life go for so many people who face constant battles.  


I hung with T most of today and was reminded of the simplicites of life.  His friend says "If he doesnt be nice to me Im not gonna marry him" DUH SIMPLE! And Talus notices the most random things, that I would never see or ask about, and he asks and wonders and looks and it is awesome.  And his little laugh is about the best thing that could ever happen to me.  And marbles and ice cream and time on the tramp make his day out of this world.  Its awesome.  He sat on my bed tonight and said "um I think your house is going to explode" dunno where that came from but had me laughing for quite sometime. whata kid... he reminds me again and again why i love them so damn much. they just rock the world.  


ok...my eyes are fighting to stay open and i have got to finish some packing, im outta here early in the morning and hoping to get a lot done tomorrow. still thinking of the families and sending all the love I can muster.  And of the importance of living and loving and feeling and dancing and dreaming and growing.