home...

Oh home... that word just sounds so weird lately, and more and more so as the time goes by.  Ive been home for over a week now. Its been good. Its been hard.  I've laughed and cried and skiied and played and picked RYLA JC's and watched my sweet Kamryn Rae dance. I've had spurts of seeing friends and I've spent a fair amount of time with myself. I've read an entire book. Been to Boulder, Conifer and Fort Collins... and for some reason, Im just here.

Home is never as simple as it should be. Sometimes it hurts hard.  It makes for tired, red eyes and a reminder of the misunderstandings I faced all those years.  But... in its own way also reminds me all that I have made out of it.  Of all the memories. All the amazing people. All the ups and downs and ins and outs. And for some reason... it puts me into a little bit of a just go with the flow and be mode. Maybe cause thats what living at home and being in school pre college means. Going with the flow, getting by just how you are supposed to and in some weird way doing what you are told you should do. 

Then you go to college. And you make your own rules. Your own moods.  Your own opinions and choices. You make your own life.  You start to care about things you didn't before, you find ways to make yourself go, you pick your friends and have conversations that are so meaningful and you start to learn whats really important, what really matters.  And maybe thats why when I come home... I just sorta feel like I sit back and take it all in. Hayley said tonight "I'm not really carpe dieming anything right now"... I should be, and maybe now that people are coming home and things might pick up I will more, or maybe I will see the people and enjoy my time and love these mountains, but Ill do it feeling like I didnt go away and things havent changed and Carpe Diem isnt part of my everyday life.

I love pieces of here I really do. I love the mountains out my window. And the time to relax. And the forever lasting love.  The best friends. Family. Sweet Kamryn Rae.  The driving and craziness.  My bed.  Provin Grounds. I love it...but there are also parts of it that dont fit in just how I'd like them to, so when I come, I have learned to enjoy the good parts and try with all my might to let the rest go.  But, for the sake of how much there is to love here Im gonna try to take it all in, to enjoy it, to love it, to get out of it all that I can. Cause it will be over soon. And Ill be happy to be back.

But... forever I will miss it. And I will watch how things change and even with the overflowing of joy and excitement in my heart there will still be that ping of learning to let go and learning how to mesh it. Cause change... its the craziest thing. And to quote another of Hayley and I's genius epiphany's "this life thing is the craziest thing I have ever experienced"

Here's to a break full of love and joy and carpe diem. To letting myself find my way back into home the first week and spending the next enjoying all there is to love.  Happy Holidays! XOXO