20 years old, el amor propio, cookie cutters

Hello there.
Happy day.
I am 20. Tomorrow is February 1st. LIFE IS CRAZY

My birthday was fantastic. It was full of love, so much love that my heart was overflowing for days on end. I am so lucky. We ate Thai food,  sweet girls gave me flowers, Kylie made me a birthday dinner, we sang, lots of people called and Hayley and I went to Tahoe. It was so great.
I was reminded of my oasis.. my element.  The mountains on my skis with the cold but oh so fresh air making my cheeks a little extra rosy. I was in heaven and realized that the 3 hour drive is 100% worth it for that feeling of peace and adrenaline and comfort. My element. I love it. And I LOVE that Hayley came with me. It was fantastic.

I thought a little about the fact that Ive been alive for 20 years. That I will NEVER EVER again be a teenager. I thought about things I have felt and learned. I thought about what 20 means.. lots of big things happen in your twenties. I thought about all that has happened.. and all that is to come and was just the right amount of sentimental about it that I should have been.
The point of the story though is that my life is pretty amazing and I am thankful for every moment that has gotten me here... every single one. And oh so excited for all thats to come. The perfect balance.

In other words. I have been thinking a lot lately. About lots of things. Two important ones though..

"el amor propio".... the translation is respect/ self pride. But the words mean the own love... self love. Ive been thinking a lot about this word lately. And then I read about it in another blog. And then today when I was doing my spanish homework that word just caught me eye. I've been thinking about it as confidence, insecurity, measure of success... all these different things that didnt quite cut it for me. But el amor propio... that does the job.
Its funny how we judge ourselves so much harder than others. And how we each have our own criteria to judge ourselves on, things that may mean nothing to others, and some that do. I think self love is ever changing, ever challenging. Its a learning process that is painful and up and down and all over the place. We all have days where we think "check me out" and others where we'd rather just curl up and stay in bed all day.
But what is important I think about it all.. is learning what the things are that make you love yourself more. And learning that you do have control over how you feel about your body and what you do with it. And its not all physical at all.. its about how you feel inside and often times that shows on the outside.
Ive been thinking about being whole... and I think it really comes down to self love. Eating healthy, doing yoga, running, spending time with people who love me, spending time on my school work... those all make me love myself more. And I like learning how to control the amount of el amor propio that Im feeling for the day.
Feel beautiful, do things that make you feel beautiful inside and out. Overflow your glass of amor propio :)

Next, cookie cutters.
These things are everywhere. And as humans who like pattern and expectations and order... we like cookie cutters. We like to go to colleges where we know we will fit in, we like to have majors that we know will give us a job,we like to say things that we know people will accept. We like to stay in our comfy little places of security. But ya know what I think... I think that sometimes the cookies that are made by hand... and have funky shapes and silly designs, I think those are some of the best cookies. There is pressure to do things the cookie cutter way in so many aspects of life, people ask you what your gonna do with your major cause they want you to have a cookie cutter answer, wrapped in a nice little box with a bow that they can just nod their head and agree with. But I saw a quote the other day that said "life begins at the end of our comfort zone" and I love everything about it.

I have been thinking about majors. And I get asked all the time what Im gonna do with mine.. and ya know what I AM GONNA DO SO MUCH and I am so excited. And I like that my answer is organic and moldable and doesnt fit into a cookie cutter... cause cookie cutters kinda scare me a little. I think it is so very important to go out of your comfort zone, do things a little differently, test the waters. And I am thankful for Santa Clara to show me a little bit of both what a cookie cutter looks like and what it doesnt have to look like. Im thankful for opportunities to push my limits and to be scared and excited. I am thankful for the challenges and the chance to make this experience exactly what it is I want out of it. I am really super stoked that I am thinking about cookie cutters, and learning the beauty of cookies made by hand, molded and shaped into exactly what you want them to be. Thats what Im gonna do with my life :)

One last thing... El Salvador El Salvador El Salvador. It is in my head all the time. And my heart is so sure of that decision its amazing. But I have a little secret... one that your probably gonna hear a lot between now and a year from now when Im back.. I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND.

And I LOVE IT :)

the haps

So heres whats up...

I have three midterms and a whole lot of work AND a whole lot of life this week
and I got through phases of totally calm and totally ready to rock it and then AHHH REALLY STRESSED moments.
I am having trouble sleeping because of the prednisone that is supposed to cure the Bronchitis... problem is sleep is part of the cure so its unproductive, also unproductive for the amount of productivity and focus on need this week...
But ya know... letting go.

My brain has been going CRAZY
Partly because I cant sleep at night. Thats when some of my best and worst thoughts happen. Im more creative... and also a little less realistic.
But there are a good amount of good creative, thoughtful juices going.

Im trying to let go, be less stressed, take it all in.

LUCHA is fitting into my heart just how I want it to be. Good things are happening. The kids are gettin to know me, its all so very relative and connected.

There are some big things going on in my head. Majors. Epiphanys. Life. Conclusions. Questions. All good

I went to a little chat about Casa tonight... and my heart was fluttering the whole time. More to come on that but it feels SO right and that is so wonderful.

I turn 20 soon. WEIRD

Thats all.. Its late and I have an Econ midterm tomorrow and Im exhausted. But life is so dang good. And I have lots of thoughts and ideas and excitement coming for you.
Happy Thursday! <3

watchin trees hearing hearts

WHOA

SCCAP RETREAT
beauty pain thoughts love dreamin bein givin doin livin dancin snugglin thinkin hiking brainstormin wondering feeling wishing hoping making being doing
What a weekend.
What a place, what a group of people.
SO MUCH love and gratitude and understanding.
Such a contemplative weekend of how the beauty and the pain of this world come together and what the heck do we do with it?
Well with people like those SCCAPers around.. we do so much with it.
Gratitude and passion and fire and excitement and inspiration and motivation and love are a flowin.
And reality is big and scary and littttttlllee overwhelming but not with those things as your leadin ways of life and those people as the ones to inspire and force you to question yourself and be better. SO GOOD


Anyways... I was reminded to be thankful and hold on to the big picture and never loose sight of all this meaning and love and life that we are working for.  Its easy to get caught up in the logistics and the nitty gritty and the stuff that really doesnt matter. But when you step back and watch the trees blowin in the wind and listen to the hearts of others needs and wants and concerns... your reminded that we are really all in this for the same thing and we are really lucky and its a lot simpler than we let ourselves believe.

Mind you it isnt cake... it isnt easy and we cant just sit back and hope for it all to work out.
Its all about the balance.
And I am so very thankful to have that reminder.

Happy Monday. Happy week 4. Happy midterms and homework and jobs and real life. Happy birthdays and good days and sick days and up and down days. Happy times with friends and foes and rollercoasters. Happy reminders of inspiration and oh ya... thats what Im here for... to take on the world with all those things that flow like wildfire within me and between us.
XOXO

reality check?

When I stop and think about it now I cant believe it.. and I have no idea how it happened.
But someone out there decided it'd be a good idea to put me, along with my trusty partner Jess, in charge of Young RYLA this year... WHOA... REALLY?
Some really amazing people, and some serious love for that camp have brought me this far... and some crazy life that just happens to bring you to places you never thought you'd end up and have to pinch yourself sometimes to make sure your really there.

So... for the last few months we've been reading applications, brainstorming, talking about what we need and want, dreaming, asking, calling, interviewing, listening, struggling and... honestly it hasn't felt that real.  We had 100 and some applicants to choose from and what a crazy process. Picking, choosing, and having to let some go, its a little hard on the heart when they are all SO amazing. And I may or may not have had more than a few moments of "ahhh are we doing the right thing... why am I qualified to make these decisions?!?!?!" But... when it came down to it, we made the choices and when we made the calls... it started to become really real. The excitement, and the voices and faces and all of it coming together reminded me that yes... Jess and I are in charge of this years Young RYLA and yes we are qualified and YES WE ARE GONNA MAKE IT OUT OF THIS WORLD!

The team has been chosen and informed and my news feed was filled with 5 friends added so and so and so and so accepted your friend request and those little Young RYLA butterflies in my heart just starting fluttering away. These kids are rockstars and I am so dang excited for every minute that this becomes more and more real. Its gonna be A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!! So... get excited :)

Also, last night when I was trying to fall asleep, a little unstoked on the fact that I am sickkk and spent my three day weekend trying to get better and still dont feel quite better I got a text asking about potential places to travel after El Salvador. First of all... I might be going to El Salvador??? REALLY? Again... WHOA someone pinch me ;). Second of all, how exciting that I will be there with friends who I can plan trips with now.. and go on trips with then. And go through the scary moments and the amazing moments.  And speak English with when my brain starts to hurt, and relate to when life seems so far from what I know.  Exciting... so exciting!

So...  I guess what Im feeling is a little bit of a reality check of how unreal and wonderful my life is and how the opportunities it has given me are just sometimes to amazing for me to wrap my mind around.  Craziness.

Other exciting things... Hayley and I looked at another potential place to live next year and everyday get more and more and more and more excited that we are going to live together... ahhh so perfect!
And... this weekend is our winter SCCAP retreat and I am sooo dang excited!
And... as if thats not enough, next week I turn 20 (AHHH OLD) and am gonna celebrate with a weekend in Tahoe with my best friend. So stoked.

Im one lucky kid. And life is exciting. And my lungs and are still not getting a long quite right... but we'll get there, and I am making slow progress.  I have lots of great people around me to remind me to take care of myself and not go out and do all things I want to do cause in the end I wont be able to do them for a longer time. So... Im forcing myself to rest and go to bed early and do all the things Im supposed to so I will get better. Cause its time!

Happy Wednesday... I love how 3 day weekends make the days in class just go by that much faster!

Three day weekend in bed... no fun

So.. I had this really really great three day weekend planned out.  Saturday at the beach, Sunday going to Glide and spendin some time in San Fran and then going up to Tahoe to ski Monday. I was SO stoked. But... instead I woke up Saturday morning coughing my brains out and having a bit of a hard time breathing... later I found out I had bronchitis. So instead of all the fun I had planned I spent most of the weekend in bed trying with all my might to feel better... ughhhh

I have this problem when I get sick where I have such a hard time not doing the things I want to do. I almost still went skiing until my trusty best friend said "Im really concerned about you going skiing" and of course she was right.  4 hours in the car both ways would have been way too much in itself so I decided I'd stay back.

I know I needed to stay in bed this weekend and take care of myself but I just HATE not being able to do the things I want to do. I hate being forced to stay in bed instead of playing outside and adventuring and exercising and just being a normal human being. And this cough has been fighting me for over a month now and frankly Im really sick of it.

But. Im really hoping it will go away REALLY soon. And instead of being frusterated about all the things I didnt get to do (or more just a way to hide that frusteration) I need to think about the good things I did do like Search Small Group Dinner at Jasmine, Friday Night Lights, Sunset at the Beach, some quality time with my besties who stayed by my side through all of the coughing and sleeping and utter boringness that I was this weekend, some homework (i mean not really but a little) and.. thats really all. But a resting weekend is good. And there are more weekends for loads of fun and adventures and this body of mine really needs to get better so I can play and run and jump and be outside and do all the things I should be doing sooner than later!

Hope you all had a wonderful and healthy three day weekend :)

things that are just plain RAD!

So.. I just wanted to tell you about a few really super duper RAD things. Things in my life that have had me walking on sunshine lately, figured it'd be polite to share the love, ya know...

1. Life... but thats a given.. seriously though

2. When life gets really scary for amazing people, and hands get dealt that seem absolutely insane, and you have no choice but to hold on real tight.. its rad when a friend who is in that place calls and says "Im happy, life is good, Im not stressed and Im just taking it all in"... that is some serious positive outlook and courage.  Life is full of scary stuff, but that right there, thats how we get through it. Props to you Kelsey Guyette, you are beyond rad.

3. A really cool part of my family whose path is leading them to do something bigger than themselves and to give back to the world.  My cousins Bryan and Laurie have 3 boys... they are already rock stars. The middle boy Chase came with an extra chromosome and filled their house with just that much more love and acceptance and amazingness. They have decided to adopt a little boy Chase's age from the Ukraine. He too has an extra chromosome and is living in a place that hasn't yet developed in that realm to give him what he needs. So through the will of some higher power, courage, amazingness and love, these already out of this world parents are gonna bring even more love (and lets be honest... a little bit more chaos) into their house.  If you wanna check out how rad they are go to addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com. Trust me they rock.

4. Yoga- sooo good for the soul, and a really awesome deal at a near by yoga studio makes it just that much better

5. REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome friends. Nuff said

6. Dancing, singing and laughing til 3 in the morning.. I love you SCCAPERS

7. Young RYLA planning

8. SKIING.. Tahoe pass and new skis are waiting for me, so stoked to have more winter in my winter this year!

9. Education and Mentoring SCCAP department, awesome people who see all the potential and challenges that are out there and who wanna make it known.

10. Rice cookers and their ability to cook me deliciously healthy and fresh meals right in the comfort of my own dorm... see ya later nasty oily make my tummy hurt Benson food.

11. Classes that make my brain work a little harder but in a way that I loooveee... not in a way that puts me to sleep.

12. One step closer to El Salvador this fall and the feeling of pure excitement mixed with a little terror... its gotta be good when it can have the two of those mixed to such a t

13. Three day weekends :)

And sooo many more things

I really hope that you can make a big ol list of things you think are rad... because again and again I will say this "I am forever amazed by the scariness and beauty of this life and how the universe opens you up to both as a reminder to live better every single day"... thats my new motto. Its just all to bone chillingly scary and amazing, heart breaking but also making my heart soar... insane in a way I cant wrap my mind around it sorda thing.  Your rad too... go walk on some sunshine!

XOXO

the place of my soul

Im home. Im laying in my bed with freshly cleaned sheets. With pretty lights and wonderful decorations around me.  In this room that I have made mine and fits my soul just where it is right now.  That has a map for me to dream of traveling. Pictures of life with all of the most important people.  Quotes that remind me why I live everyday. And all things that are me.

I spent the weekend on my terms. With amazing friends. I served meals to people in the Tenderloin on Friday night and made a delicious homemade dinner with awesome friends afterwards. I danced and sang and laughed with my best friends on Friday night and wasted all of Saturday away vegging. I had amazing dates with two of my best friends last week and we talked about all things life. All the things that are confusing and amazing and different.  All the things that happened at home and how they all fit into my heart and theirs. And how being back here feels right.

I called my mama crying on Monday night... and everyday after that.  I talked to my best friend today. I cried for hurt that happens to people that are so amazing and searched deep inside to find words of wisdom for something that is absolutely unfair and makes no sense.  I questioned life and my beliefs. I sent my love through the phone and promised I would do whatever I could from this far away... and far away it felt. I worked on Young RYLA through the phone and forever wish that I could have more face time with my lovely team.

I got an acceptance email to go to El Salvador next fall and looked at a house to live in next year. I went to my first day of classes in a new quarter and was excited about every single one of them.

I am back to this life that makes me feel so good. That makes my brain and my heart work hard. Where I work to be whole and take care of me in all the ways I have found that make me go.  I miss home and was sad to say goodbye but I am learning to mesh my lives. Or actually not really but learning what fits where.  Life is good. It is scary and hard and confusing too. But deep down it is good and there is so much that we have control of to make it that way, which is the most important thing to remember when scary things out of our control happen. Take care of yourself. Love the people around you. Feel whole. And cherish every moment that you have happy, healthy and alive on this wonderful, scary mess of a planet.  We are all luckier than we will ever understand. Xoxoxo