Trust

Oh hey world... I just spent the weekend Casa style. So.. Im inspired.. and back with words. Funny how that works.

This life is a funny one. It is a serious up and down struggle this transition thing. Trying to figure out what exactly it is Im doing here, what my priorities are or should be, how to keep myself balanced and full like I felt all the time in El Salvador and with who and what to invest my time. Its funny because a year ago (and the rest of the two years pre Casa at SCU) I was head over heels. Any of you who have read this blog for a while know... this place was my oasis and I was so excited about everything about it.
      So I keep asking myself and others ask me... what changed, why is it such a challenge now. I think it starts with the basic answer... leaving a place for four months and coming back expecting it to be the same it was before just isnt realistic. Things and people change, and when you arent there to change with them, some space is created between you, not good or bad just space. Then there is the whole idea of what Casa did to us. I have been talking talking talking Casa the past few days.. and while for those who werent there might go crazy hearing about it, its really important for me to able to talk about and process it. So doing it with people who are on the same page is just really meaningful and helpful. Anyways.. Casa allowed us/forced us/helped us... whatever you want to say, to get closer and closer to our truest selves. Our time was carved out so differently, reflecting, questioning, listening, healing and learning were our main priorities, and we were in it with 25+ other people to support and challenge us. There is just not that kind of time to be with each other and reflect in the real world. Also, we were surrounded by a new reality. This weekend has reminded me that just being out of your routine can be extremely inspiring, challenging and refreshing. For four months we were put into a completely new life... seeing challenges and priorities that many of us had never experienced before. We were like little kids, running around excited and intrigued by all the newness, and again sharing it with each other.

In short... everything was perfectly matched up to give us space to reflect, learn, grow and go really really deep... together.

I miss that everyday. I miss the genuinity of it. The pain and hope, sadness and happiness, the rollercoaster of emotions that made up everyday. I miss being surrounded by a group of people that know me so well and have heard by deepest pains and joys.. just because we had the time to do that. The people that were with me in El Salvador (although absolutely out of this world) were not super human or for some reason especially different than the rest of the world.. the setting was just really really perfect. And I would be full of myself if I said it was all easy and peachy. We cried a lot and hurt a lot. We were really confused, tired, stressed, lost and sometimes sick of being together every minute. But there was so much good and growth in it, that the pain and confusion somehow made sense.

So... in my rambling, I guess the point is... things that happened in El Salvador are possible with the rest of the world. And I am trying to hold onto a trust in myself, the people around me, humanity and the universe that the fulfillment, depth and whatever it is that we found in El Salvador, exists outside of it too. And after experiencing that.. I have a responsibility to look for it, bring out and share it with the rest of the world. I cant just keep settling for the way things are here, and just expecting it to be meh... cause it wasnt meh for the years before I went to El Salvador and it doesnt have to be now. I just might have to try a little harder, put myself out there a little more and create it. Cause it is so possible. And if there is anything the Salvadorans taught me.. they taught me that some basic inherent thing in this world is good and we must hold onto that, trust in its ability and work with it, to get to a place of fulfillment and happiness for ourselves and people all over the world.

Sigh... I dont know if any of that makes sense. But... Yoli and I stood overlooking the ocean today talking about trust. And Im trying to get it back. Because the last couple months Ive been a little unsure, felt a little paralyzed and have been going through the motions with cruise control on and my heart off a little too much. I have tears in my eyes writing this.. I have tears in my eyes a lot lately. Both from being scared and inspired by this world. El Salvador ruined me for life... changed me forever, and I just am trying to figure out how to keep carrying it. And I wish it was easy and everything was peachy, but its really not. But weekends like this, and the little things that have been really great about being back, and hope in this world.. are good reminders.

I wish this was more eloquent, I wish all of my thoughts came out more accurately to how they sound in my head. But... this is a start (Im slightly out of practice at this blogging thing... oops) Point is... this transition is hard but the world is good and its time for me to turn my heart on and my cruise control off.. its time for me to invest and search out meaningful and deep conversations and relationships. Its time for me to give this world a bit more of a chance, cause the 12 of us in Casa Romero last semester, and 26 in our program will not be back there all together... so wishing I was there just isnt gonna make anything happen. I know that this transition isnt and never was supposed to get better overnight.. but I hope I can hold onto the inspiration that this weekend has been.

Two more random things..

I watched The Help last night and cried, laughed and everything in between. If you havent seen it GO WATCH IT.. NOW.. its all about the suffering and hope as one in this world... from before we were even thought of it. And remember "You is kind, you is smaaart and you is important"

Also.. Im applying for all these summer fellowships options lately. And its exciting, and has me inspired and seeing some real potential for my future (sometimes Im afriad Ill be living in a box on the street). Everytime I finish a different application I think that I really want that fellowship the most so its going to be a hard decision, but there are a lot of exciting opportunities in the workds.

Thanks for listening to my rambling. Happy Presidents Day. <3