Your Life Will be Brilliant

A few weeks ago Kylie said "I miss your blog" and we talked about the funny feeling of writing about our own lives but also loving reading about other peoples lives. Funny humans. A couple others have commented on my lack of blog posts too.. I have been completely M.I.A and for those of you who find this blog entertaining or as a means of making sure I'm alive... I apologize.  I will try to be better.. the last five months have been a crazy roller coaster.  I have been avoiding writing in here cause its all a little too real and vulnerable. But I'm not sure I can just act like the last five months never happened... because all of the up and down was important, necessary and life. So... caution, high level of vulnerability to follow...

Reverse culture shock is a real thing. Healing is also a real thing and I'm sure there is some saying about how it doesn't come easy.. that is the most real of all the things and what I learned for three months after coming back to the states. I kinda felt like I got pumbled by 100 crashing waves and had a really hard three months. I'm not one to say that or to let myself have three hard months but one day I walked into class and Margot looked at me worried and said "Michelle... are you ok" My heart was hurting for so many reasons and the world seemed a little less bright. But I needed Margot to tell me she saw that in my eyes.. I needed to realize that my heart was hurting so that I could find ways to give my heart the love and support it needed in a time that it really hurt. Sometimes I like to think I'm more fine than I actually am or that I can do it all on my own. And sometimes you have to hurt bad to realize you need people, light, support in your life. I shed my fair share of tears and had a rocky couple of months. And then I started to reach out to the world looking for some love and support. In a response to frantic "I feel like my life is falling apart and I need someone to listen" email Kylie said "Your life is going to be brilliant" something that I really really needed to hear. And two months later... my life feels pretty brilliant again, crazy how those things work isn't it.

A lot a lot of goodness has come into my life since I called my best friend from the rose gardens balling, lost, and wanting some sort of comfort I couldn't seem to find. It started with an email about applying for Search crew. I applied feeling like I had to do something with myself and two weeks ago led the retreat, wrote and gave a talk, and cried happy tears listening to the talk on community, feeling like I had found community once again. 15 of 26 of us who were in El Salvador together were here in Santa Clara over Easter and I was reminded of the me I was in El Salvador. Full of life and love to give and just so excited about the world. It hurt noticing how different I felt but I also needed to see it.. I needed to know that was in me. I went on a silent retreat the next weekend and for the first time in three months finally just stopped, checked in with myself and thought about what it is I really want out of this life. Who am I really and what the last few months were missing, leaving me hurting and low on hope. Again I was reminded to ask for help. And I was reminded of something else important that although I don't have all figured out... does something for me. I was reminded to have faith. I'm not sure what in.. but just that things work out. I know it sounds silly but I actually forgot that for a while. I wasn't sure my life was going to be brilliant or I was gonna ever experience as much love, honesty, community and happiness as I did in El Salvador. I wasn't sure my wounds would ever heal and I just couldn't really see the light. I needed Kylie to tell me my life would be brilliant and I needed to stop and get out of my head and realize life just works out... in the craziest of ways.  The retreat gave me a chance to believe that something good would come out of my life. The theme was "growing in faith" and we talked about the seasons of our hearts. Mine was in a bit of a super snowy winter but I came home and as spring was blooming outside of me I said to a friend.. I feel like things are blooming inside.. I think goodness is coming. And a lot of good came.

Since I hit an all time low and then slowly was pulled back to real life I have made amazing new friendships, been accepted to positions that I feel incredibly passionate about, gotten excited about my classes all over again and had weekend after weekend of so much joy, love and newness. I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Basically life is a roller coaster and its so hard to remember that it all works out when it hurts the most. But I can always see it a lot more clearly when I look back on it. I'm pretty amazed at the way things feel now.

Junior year ends in three weeks. I'm feeling the effects of El Salvador in positive and real ways finally, ways that aren't just "man my heart hurts I wanna be back" but actually seeing how it changed me and is a part of the human becoming I will always be.  I feel really really thankful for the people in my life... both those who were there though all of it and some who have come into my life just when I needed them to and helped me to see the beauty in life again. And the most basic goodness of it all. I am really excited about all life has to offer me. I am leaving for Paraguay in three weeks and although I'm nervous I am also really excited. Its going to be so new and different but its going to be another experience of loving and learning and growing. I'm excited for the weeks before and after that. I'm excited to go home in the end of August after 9 months away which is just too long to be without my best friends and my mama. And I just know that this life is good again.

So... maybe now that I got this weird awkward in between post out of the way I can actually start to blog normally again. Especially since I'll be in Paraguay and have new exciting things to talk about again. But also because there are a lot of new and exciting things in my everyday it seems.  I'm sorry if this is too much.. or something. I feel weird posting it but I also know its ok. Because we are all human. Thanks Kylie for telling me my life will be brilliant and for reminding me that my blogging is of interest to someone. And thanks to all the rest of you for being love and support in my life. I am a lucky woman.