Diving Board

So its raining outside. And I couldn't really sleep last night. And I'm sitting here reading blog post after blog post of my dear Yolanda who lived in Casa Romero with me and returned to El Salvador for the summer. And its just igniting something inside me. Her heart is full and open and grappling with all these things we spent four months grappling with. And then came back and could only grapple with for so long until it just felt like we weren't getting anywhere. "That was the dark ages" Claire said, and Margot and I talked about being walking gray, dark, stormy rain clouds. Yoli wrote in her blog about Casa being a diving board, to live this summer there in a new and better way, not in a way of trying to recreate Casa or missing it every second. I think thats the whole point, and slowly we live into understanding it as a diving board into this big old world of suffering and love that we have to find our place in. I haven't completely lived into understanding that yet, I mean I'm not sure if I ever fully will. But I do know Casa has been on my heart lately and I also know Im going to Paraguay in 18 days and somehow I think those two things might be related.

Junior year ends in ten days, that feels big. These last nine months have been some of the craziest and definitely the most transformative of my life. And unlike at the end of freshmen and sophomore year I don't really feel like I have a conclusive way to tie a pretty bow on them and understand exactly what they meant. My heart is feeling a little bit of lacking in the processing department. In El Salvador all we ever did was process. Then coming back Margot filled that space for me, but this quarter she is off adventuring and without blogging/talking to Margot/ weekly community night some of the thoughts in my head are stuck as half thoughts. Saturday night everyone was gone and being home alone was so glorious... I laid on the couch with the love lights lit and journaled and journaled and journaled. Some rambling, some finding and some shaking hands with fears I haven't really let myself meet yet.

Going to Paraguay is scary. In a completely 100% different way than going to El Salvador was. I'm not so scared of not being able to speak Spanish, or of the bugs and the new and the different. I'm not so scared of being thousands of miles away from home and out of touch with the world. I'm scared of coming back face to face with the suffering I saw in El Salvador and asking the same questions without the family that Romero became surrounding me. I am scared of not understanding my place in this world all over again. Of being frustrated and angry and not really super excited to come back. But at the same time, all of those things are exactly why I'm going. It is going to be so different, so new, and such a learning experience. In similar and different ways than Casa. And I cant expect it to be Casa and really shouldn't even be comparing the two. But am just so grateful to have Casa as a diving board to spring me into this newness with a different understanding of the world. Something that I cant put words to but that lives deep down in my heart and sees suffering and love as such beauty and that just wants to learn from these people who in so many ways have so much more than me.

Ive also been thinking about life after Santa Clara. WHOA... completely out of control that its time to be thinking about that a little. And encountering these funny things that you hear about everyone encountering when they have to start making real life decisions. My heart says one thing but the pressures of the world totally have their way of saying another thing. More to come on that later... but just a funny thing to be feeling.

I cant believe in two weeks Im moving out of Casita Bonita... I love this little apartment and the wonderful mujeres I live with. Its totally become home. And Im so gonna miss it. And I cant believe Ill be getting on a plane to Paraguay. Life just keeps moving, so so fast. I miss having this space to slow down and think about how its moving. Feels right to be putting my thoughts onto paper again, although journaling is so wonderful it sometimes just turns into rambling crazy when no one is listening. I also need to find a new name for this blog. My heart has been opened.. and will continue to be opened. But I need to give credit to the rest of the world, especially since Ill be writing from Paraguay. Suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading. XOXO