Nourishment

Well hello there world. Its been quite sometime. Member the days when I use to blog on the reg... those were the good old days, but so are these. Life just happens fast and I think there has been a shift to just living it, soaking it up, letting it happen inside me rather than feeling like I need to write about it all the time. Which defintiley doesnt mean that writing about it is a bad thing, or is something I should neglect as much as I have. I guess I just am in a space of just being a little more than shouting it to the rooftops. But.. I do have a lot to tell. And at Christmas Kylie told me I need to write another blog so she doesn't have to be dissapointed everytime she comes to my page. And I really do like to write them and come here all the time and think about it or start one or think of a title in my brain.. but you just cant force it.

A lot has been happening in my world. A lot of nourishment.

Rewind to Thanksgiving. I got on a plane to El Salvador with Ella by my side. We were anxious, delerious from too little sleep, so happy to be together and really nervous about what it would be like to go back. It was more than I could have ever expected. Reminded me of that feeling of alive, in touch, whole, loving, best version of my self that I was for four months while I was there. It just came right back.. I cant explain it but that place lights me on fire in the best way I could imagine. It felt like home- familiar and overflowing with people I love in a way that I didnt fully remember. Especially Cedro. I went back planning to stay for one night and decided to stay for two. It felt so comfortable. So different than the first time I slept at Nina Reina's and all I could think about was the spiders on the wall. Those didnt even phase me, this time all I could think about was how much I love it there, how at home I feel, how I want to stay forever and read books over and over again with mis hermanit@s. I got to spend time with people in a way I didnt have the time or freedom to as a student. We got to hang out with the becarios, lay in the grass in the UCA, run the hills and in Cedro I sat with Nina Santos and made her coffee while I listened to her heart, and hurt for her like I always have. I rode back in the pick up with Lupita and got to go see her baby. I called Salvador so many times and got in his car just like I had never left. My heart is completely at home there, alive, aware of the pain and beauty of the world simeteanously and ready to do nothing but love. It was an amazing trip. So fun to be there with Ella, Paco, Abby and Katie so we could reminisce about our semester and process it all together. It was a reminder that I was more equipped to hold onto this time. I came home feeling like I got a jolt of it that wasnt going to drown the way some of it did in the transition home- just live in me, stick with me, remember for me. It was beautiful.

I came home to two weeks of writing more papers than anyone should ever have to. My eyes and fingers hurt from all the time at my computer. And my brain was jello by the end. But I made it through and then went on the 5 day silent retreat. It was wonderful.. nourishing.. the theme of the last month now that I look back on it. It was peaceful and reflective and not intense or jolting in the way the last one was. It was just me looking at the past year in awe of the ways I have grown and healed and become me. I felt like all parts of me were in harmony- something I havent felt for a while. I shared a community in silence, explored questions and stories and people that gave me comfort and hope and a deeper understanding of the world. I thought about the deep brokeness of the world and my desire to serve the world out of the hope that I have learned. I thought about unconditional love and all the ways I have been showered in it. And I just really soaked up the time to be- something we all to often forget to do.

It left me whole, balanced and rested to get on a plane home for two wonderful weeks in my little mountain town with my village of a family. Friends were home that hadnt been in the past, we had time to be together to play and talk and be ridiculous. And there was time to lay on the couch, take hot baths, hang out with my mama and all the people I love who were there. Read books and look at the snow and also run around like a crazy person trying to fit in as many of those people as possible. It was fantastic. The last two trips home have been really good and Im really really grateful for that. This one was definitly nourishing in all the right ways and I think getting on a plane with just a twinge of sadness to leave is about the perfect amount of time... Ill be back- and hopefully next time for at least a little longer.

Christmas Break ended with 5 days in Minnesotta with some of the best women in the world. Lindsey, Claire and I spent our days lounging around chatting about the world and exploring the twin cities. It felt like home to be with them and was exactly the perfect way to finish off break. We celebrated New Years together and joked about the past year being one of moving from darkness to light. But really we werent joking at all. Its been a big year. A lot of change. A lot of hurt. A lot of healing and growth. And a lot of light flooding in slowly after a time of a lot of darkness. But we are starting to understand that is part of this life... and the light always comes. We talked about what we were gonna do next year, reminisced about our Casa time in a way that I dont think will ever end and just really enjoyed each other.

Then I came back with mixed feelings about two more quarters at Santa Clara. It feels too short and too long at the same time. Sometimes I feel like there are bigger and better things out there for me. I get frustrated with some of the surface level BS that exists on this campus (and everywhere) and classes that dont challenge me in the way I want to be challenged. But since I have been back I have been reminded of a Santa Clara that challenges me, nourishes me and has transformed me from a little girl to a blossoming woman with a completely new understanding of the world. I am grateful and present and really aware of all the beautiful things about this place. Its crazy to think how soon it will all be over, makes my heart jump a little. But Im happy to be soaking it up. I also got incredible news over break that I will be spending next year as a Community Coordinator at the Casa in El Salvador and I could not ask for a better way to spend it. I am so incredibly excited and know it is going to be a year of beauty that I cant yet comprehend. It takes a big stress off my shoulders and really gives me the chance to be present to the next (and last) few months in this place. Whoa. Thats wild.

My brain and heart are being nourished by so many things. SCCAP retreat that felt like community and reflection in the best way. Sunday night mass that is community, passion, reflection and becoming better versions of ourselves. A class on Human Hope and Suffering that I adore and has my wheels spinning. Two Soc classes that seem relevant and exciting and challenging. An arrupe where I will get to speak Spanish. Immersion planning. Really good friends. Karina time. Tahoe trips. All sorts of things are happening. Good things that remind me the goodness hasn't run out. And its all along the same lines it has been since freshmen year..Im just flowing, growing and moving with and in it. I like it.

Hope you are feeling nourished. And that the never endingness of this didn't take it all out of ya. Thanks for reading.. means a lot. XOXOX