UCA Vigil, Affect and Intellect

Blogs on blogs on blogs- my brain is exploding and right now I'm not sure what else to do with all these thoughts and questions other then to blog.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how we are here studying all those things and how important it is to be engaging with both intellect and affect- our brains and our hearts. My life tendency has always been one of affect and heart before intellect and brain. Which makes me who I am, lets me love so deeply, engage with the world in a way that has transformed me- but also, sometimes can be problematic and maybe most importantly is sometimes lacking the backing I need to make the change in this world I so deeply want to make. This means two things right now... one: it is physically impossible for me to not engage in all that I am learning with my heart.. I am slowly learning to be less of an emotional rollercoaster and keep the tears from filling my eyes during class but I will forever feel my heart palpatating and breaking as I am learning about the reality of our world, our understanding of God and the connection between it all. Secondly, this learning to engage with life from a place of intellect is really important for me.

Sunday is the 25th anniversary of the Jesuits, their house keeper Elba and her daughter Celina in El Salvador because of their commitment to justice for the poor and innocent of their country in the face of the US supporting the military in brutally killing those who were standing up for equality. It is also the 15th anniversary of the Casa, started by Tre and Kev to commemorate their lives and further their legacy of educating with intellect and affect in the context of poverty and injustice.

I am currently writing a paper about Ignacio Ellacuría- one of those six Jesuits who were killed who was the President of the University of Central America at the time. His theology was one of giving responsibility to the people who cause the great amount of suffering and marginilization in our world today and calling about action against this injustice, a continued fight for the equality through our words, actions and lives. He cited Jesus' life and mission as the cause of his death because of the powerful who were threatened by that, and thus the call of the crucified people- of all of us- today to stand up against the powerful who are causing such great oppression. His philosophy and theology are super intellectual and take me sometime to dig into and understand- but are important for me to understand- not necesarilly because I need to understand how thats all connected to call me to continue doing what I want to do. But more so because I think too often if we only engage from a place of intellect we miss the point- we can stay in our warm libraries and coffee shops writing papers about suffering and God but not actually be with the people and put it all into action. Yet if I can engage both maybe I can have some credibility in convincing the world that we MUST be putting this all into action. In my paper I have to write a criticism- I think that sometimes we walk a fine line of glorifying suffering and the lives of those who are suffering being full of hope and "salvation" and closeness to God- which is true BUT we have a responsibility to make a change and they are put in this situation because of structural injustices and no matter how strong, hopeful, loving and out of these world these people are- it is not ok that they suffer in this way- EVER.

Today at the UCA is a day of celebration- a soccer tournament, alfombra making and tonight mass and the vigil for the martyrs. It is an absolutely amazing day and the energy that fills the University grounds is absolutely incredible. One of remembrance, hope, responsibility, carrying forward the torch that the martyrs left us. The first time I went something huge moved in me.. I'll never forget standing there surrounded by people I love feeling so inspired to make something of my life, to keep fighting for the justice, love and equality the martyrs died for.

I have been in El Salvador on this day for the past three years- and not being there today hurts my heart. I love it so much, it fuels me the community, reality, honesty and energy. The mass is always one of the few that I fully understand and that is so real- talking about how bad things are with a deep undertone of motivation to make change. I don't think we do that enough here.

I wrote this the night of the vigil last year

"I felt the same things I have each time- this renewed appreciation for this program and why we are here. A deep love for this country and it's history. An overwhelming feeling of connectedness- But also an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and fear for this world, which comes from the honesty of the homily. But also so much hope- such a desire to give and do something real. To work against the suffering and injustice in this world. Such a radical call to a life with the poor- not one of gated communities, luxury cars and shopping malls that let us turn our back on the world- which is a hard, scary call- but one I want to follow"

So- in honor of the martyrs- and so many people in El Salvador who are inspired by their legacy- today I am writing about Ellacuría with a candle lit and Salvadoran music playing, going to pupusas and trying to marinate in what the martyrs and people of El Salvador do so well- a deep, heart breaking and challenging honesty about what's not right in the world AND a hope, inspiration and faith in something that this fight is worth fighting and things will change. Today I was at a talk and she reminded us of the importance of doing things even if we can't see the results- doing them for the people who come after us. Of imagining that SOMEDAY, today, tomorrow things are shifting and will shift.. and the lives taken for peace 25 years ago are still fueling a living faith and commitment to a better world.

I am grateful that engaging with the intellect brings tears to my eyes, images of people I love, stories, moments and so much engagement with my heart. And I have to keep remembering that these years of studying are going to help me give to this world better as much as I can continue to engage with my heart too, with both sides- connect the two worlds that sometimes seem so far apart- just as the martyrs taught us to do.

"Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between ChurchTeaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"

I cant sleep.. so I'm gonna tell you about it. I'm hesitant to come here with a topic as blazing as this and as related to my theology studies as this- it feels risky. But it also feels really important and genuine to me. And important to my formation of learning to articulate and stand for what I believe- and this is a safe space to do that. There is so much in this post that is missing- parts of the Catholic Church that are responding to this issue so much better, arguments that are so much fuller, experiences that are complex and painful- but this is just a little piece of my heart tonight.

Tonight there was an event at the School of Theology and Minisry (STM)- one of my two homes on BC's Campus called "Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between Church Teaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"

Growing up this was a non negotiable. I think I was in 6th grade or something crazy when I started arguing for the rights of the LGBTQ population, wrote a paper about it in 8th grade and spent plenty of time arguing about it. Mom just taught me all love was love- or maybe she didn't have to teach me- it's just in the air we breath. And for years that was my anti religion, anti Catholicism sound track- if the Church says that the people I love who are in same sex relationships can't get married then I will stay far far away.

Now I'm studying Theology- grappling with who God is, what the Church teaching says and why and how all of that matters to us everyday. I never thought I'd find myself here- but its quite connected with the young girl who was taught all love was love and that if the Church disagreed then no way was I going to be a part of that. This is one of so many reasons that Im here. Because I really don't think its right and there are so many things that the Institutional Church does that I don't think are right- but I have also found a lot of things that make that same Church a welcoming home for reflection, loving better and fighting for social justice. Yet it leaves me spiraling trying to understand how there can be such a strong disconnect.

One of my amazing friends here started out the conversation tonight. She talked about how in creation their is diversity and that is of God and therefore good, how sexuality is a part of human nature and loving more deeply/entering into a more intimate and spiritual relationship with the other, how binary language and concepts function in so many ways that are hurtful and evil and that being in a same sex relationship has brought her joy and flourishing and cannot be seen as her "cross to bear". Then we heard the opposite opinion- sex is intended for procreation, we are biologically complementary as female and male and we should be careful which crosses to take from people because our suffering is salvific.

Ooof. Grant me eloquence and patience.

I think we are limiting human beings immensely if we are saying the whole of love and relationships is simply to create offspring. This is coming from a woman who has dreamt of being a mom since I was two- trust me I want to carry babies and birth them and love them with all of my being. But I don't believe all people are called to be parents, I don't believe all people are prepared to be parents and I sure as hell don't believe that simply being in a opposite sex relationship that produces off spring necessarily always brings greater love into the world- so much pain is caused by parents who are not ready to be parents, who do not have the support they need, who are broken down by the suffering in their lives.

And SO much beauty, goodness, and all sorts of creation that is not simply offspring comes from strong, mutual, loving relationships. One of the other panelists responded asking about infertile couples- the church doesn't tell them- "well your relationship is worthless so you must give up".. of course not! In fact we tell them they must stay married and hope for some miracle and be happy with all of it.  I could talk about the scarily high number of children without homes, families, a safe space to grow up that need to be adopted into loving families, and also of the beauty of technology that allows same sex couples to have babies with their own genes too. There is SO much about that argument that makes me reel.

Then there is the cross- which is something that I could talk about forever. This idea that our suffering leads us to strength, salvation, closeness to God. That there is meaning in our suffering. Dear world, it is time to stop saying that. Suffering is painful and wrong and no loving God wants her people to be in pain. Yes we overcome suffering, yes some of my greatest strengths come from the process of overcoming pain- but also many of my biggest challenges come from that- and the God I believe in who loves us unconditionally has no desire for us to suffer. Beyond me there are millions of people in our world who are suffering incredible structural and societal injustices of poverty, violence, war and when we apply meaning to suffering we run the terrible risk of allowing there to be some belief that suffering is deserved or part of Gods plan. I just don't believe that. Not one bit.

The other panelists talked about some of the statistics of pain caused by these teachings. The rate of Homeless LGBTQ youth, their increased attempts of suicide, bullying, violence and the 10 million people who have left the Catholic Church BECAUSE of this issue. One of the most important things I am learning in my classes is that language functions. Knowing only a white, male, all powerful God has incredible implications across the world for women who internalize an idea of subordination. The Church's teaching that same sex intimacy and marriage is "intrinsically disordered" "against nature" or a number of other words for wrong is making people feel unwelcome, causing bullying, suicide and violence. And if we do not own that we need to "take a long hard look at the real".

To me being Catholic is about "taking people down from their crosses" as liberation theologists would say: i.e. relieving people's suffering, fighting for a better reality NOW, believing that we are all so loved, so delighted in and so whole in the eyes of God, the universe, the spirit and that what God wants for us is fullness of life, liberation and love. Which we are not giving to the LGBTQ population.

Despite the majority of the room being on the same page as me I left tonight's event feeling frustrated. Because the privileged, males (many of which are white) who have the power in our Church- are not engaged in sexually intimate relationships and somehow are able to distance themselves from the people on the ground- are the ones making the decisions. And despite the fact that I am surrounded by incredibly smart, theologically sound people who believe homosexual love is the same love as any other love- the Church and so many people and institutions across the world are still finding ways to say "God loves you BUT" to a huge percentage of the population.

Just like questions of inequality and suffering in El Salvador I sometimes get lost in the injustice. My heart feels tormented by the fact that we are so far from what I believe all this theology and God stuff is about. And in some ways I am so grateful for that feeling of unsettled questioning, really just not ok with it that has formed within me. It keeps me honest and pushes me to stand up, use my voice and fight for something different. But I also get paralyzed by it and overwhelmed with a fear of how do we get past these big brick walls of tradition that seem to be so distant from the human experience of so many of the people I love who love the Church and continuously struggle to reconcile that with their LGBTQ identity.

And that torment, frustration and complete awe at the arguments of the Institutional Church. Thats why Im here. Because I found a home in the Church, I found an inspiration to fight for justice and have seen the hope and love so many others have found in the Church. And I will not stop hoping that someday there will be a home for everyone in the Church if they want it. And that the teachings and language of the Church will do what they claim to be about- extending love and forgiveness- rather than causing hurt, violence and exclusion.

Remembering: Niña Santos' Uphill Walk

I've been meaning to start a new blog "series" called Remembering... for my heart, for my Salvadoran family, for the world.  Today... I want to remember Niña Santos, Mami Santos, the catalyst of so much of my experience in El Salvador.

Santos is a strong, petite woman who's face wears years of giving, working too hard, getting up too early, walking up and down the hill to get to work, accepting too much because "asi es la vida" and worrying too much about all of the people she loves. She has a family of 8 who she will never stop working for, who she loves and struggles with and for everyday, and who is the pride of her existence. She has 3 grandkids and even when she is the most exhausted and worn down the way she looks at them and takes care of them shows how deeply this woman loves.

Santos is the cook at Cedro- the community center where I spent my days as a student and was lucky to go back to last semester once a week. She knows every kids name, their story, their mom and what they need. She has a million and one responsibilities and keeps going- no matter how exhausted she is or how poorly she is being treated.  Almost stoic in the face of so much pain she is a pillar of strength-unstoppable, walking slowly but with such sturdiness and grace up and down the hill "porque los ninos tienen que comer" She told us that when the rains were pouring down during our time as students. There was no question that she would walk 45 minutes up the barely walkable, muddy hill in the freezing, muddy rain- because the kids had to eat and she would not let go of her responsibility to get these kids food- because she loves them with all of her being, and she knows how much they hurt and how much they rely on her to be there everyday and give them some nourishment, some sense of stability when everything else is falling apart.

But sometimes it feels like her life is falling apart. Her son was stabbed. Her daughter moved out. Her husband lost his job, hurt his foot and can't find new work. Everyone falls- and Santo's keeps standing up. And in her eyes we saw a brokeness, a hurting that connected to something inside of us. And we were so lucky to share some special moments where she could put down all of her work- sitting for a few minutes while we cleaned the dishes, or on a walk to a house and tell us about her pain. How she worries about her boys on their way into the city to work. She's not sure if they will finish school. If her daughter will get pregnant. How she will put enough food on the table. And when she lets out her suffering then you get to see the depth of her joy. The moments we caught her eye at the table- laughing quietly at some ridiculous thing happening. Or the smile when she heard her grandkids calling her, or when we did something ridiculously incorrect and impolite because our spanish was off. And all of her pain and joy and love for everyone she meets would exude from her face. And then she would hug us- and we could feel it all- universes of life, pain, fear, hopes and joy between us- held in a hug. She took us in, loved us so well and sometimes let us love her- rub her tense back, bring her coffee, clean the dishes for her.

Santo's is part of the reason I am here. Because as a woman she gets treated as less. Because she is uneducated she is treated as less. Because she works harder than most people I know and still struggles to put food on the table. Because her idea of God is one that is with her everyday in her suffering, yet she cannot talk about her womanliness, the struggles she is experiencing in her marriage, with her boss who is a nun- because she has less of a voice, fewer opportunities, more struggles but works as hard and loves as deeply as any of the rest of us. She walks back up the hill three nights a week to be with her Christian Base Community- where they read the bible and find comfort in the God who is with them, not abandoning them but accompanying them. And even though she has been poor her whole life, treated as less and struggled to survive, she still keeps walking up that hill, fighting for her kids, because she is committed to something better- something more for them than she had.

Sometimes I get so paralyzed by the suffering in the world- especially when I am far away from it. It is so easy for us to forget about the realities of poverty and inequality. And I wonder how I will keep fighting when it seems like it will continue to be hard, unequal, unjust and in my life time there will still be poverty, inequality and violence.

We have been talking about a perspective of abundance around here lately. Trying to imagine that the universe, God, whatever you want to call it- is generous and loving enough that there is enough love, life, food, justice to go around- and creative enough to make things better. And in the midst of one of my rants about how we can just simply say "May the Peace be With You" and hug each other not being fully in touch with how many people are living in a state of fear and violence- how can this be enough? How can anything be enough? Claire asked- "How can we have a perspective of abundance when things don't get better?"

Santos has this perspective of abundance. She finds light in the smiles of the kids and the comedor. Of her daughter continuing to study despite all of the barriers. Her sons working hard and trying to help her family. She holds onto the hope that there is in the little things rather than getting swallowed by the suffering. Because she has to. Unlike me she cannot get paralyzed by the suffering- because los niños tienen que comer- she has to keep walking up that hill.

And for Santos, I will keep walking up the hill. Keep remembering her suffering- especially when I feel like there is SO much abundance in my life and that is so unfair. I will remember the way she sees abundance, while continuing to marinate in the depth of her suffering and ask how and why our world can be so messed up- so that I continue to fight the uphill battle.

Here's to you Santos. Your love, your commitment, your pain and the hope that carries you up that hill- every single day.

Settled. Growing. Stretching. Deepening

Hi... I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs sometimes when I come back after so long away. I always want to write- and for whatever reason when I get out of the routine its hard to come back- someday Ill probably better understand what pulls me to or keeps me from writing. Often it is busy-ness- too much to put into words- but Im sure there are other things. I'm not always good at bringing confused thoughts to the table- especially if that is how I will reenter this little space. I often miss it though- and know how good writing is for my soul. And writing in a public way- it forces me to make sense of my thoughts, to share them, to make meaning of them outside of my head. And let me tell you- there is so much meaning to be made.

I have been in Boston for two months now- and time is the most mind boggling concept. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday that we were fighting mattresses up our narrow stairs, sweating profusely on the 90+ degree move in day and eating Thai food on our floor for the first time. But in a lot of ways- it feels like so long ago- because oh so much has happened. I don't want to do a lot of summarizing but the first month was an emotional roller coaster. Maybe the first month and a half. Transitioning from both El Salvador and my summer with Coop, Jesse and Kylie, questioning my knowledge/worth/belonging in grad school which is a whole different ball game than undergrad and doing all of that in a new place with new people and so much new to learn- it was a lot. I shed a lot of tears- but they were good tears and I am the luckiest to share a home with women I know and love- who were there for the tears and the ups and downs. It stretched me a lot to be here and just took sometime to settle in.

Don't get me wrong- there are still ups and downs. I mean who are we kidding- thats life. BUT this weekend I just felt very very at home. We have met a group of women who are here for the same reasons, asking the same questions, coming from similar places and just all around good hearted who have become our closest friends. And the friendships don't feel new anymore. There is a stage of acquaintances, then of knowing which of those acquaintances will become real friends, and then the process of really moving past that new stage. And I feel so lucky for the ways we have so quickly moved beyond that- had hard conversations,  laughed uncontrollably, shared in the day to day, had fun nights out and really are starting to feel like a solid crew. I think real friends are what make a place feel like home more than any thing else. And this weekend we squeezed six bodies on our two couches and did hours of nothing together while reliving our super fun Halloween night and it felt like these women are my real friends. And that doing nothing together was such time well spent- deepening in those friendships and getting closer every minute. So grateful that there are such amazing people here and so excited to continue to learn about each other and be on this journey together.

Our home is a little oasis- one of the best living situations I have ever had with check ins and community nights and gatherings and endless amounts of love. Its everything I dreamed of and so helps me carry El Salvador and who I become there with me everyday. We ordered an air mattress yesterday because somehow we have managed to have guests from near and far every single weekend and decided that means we should probably have a better space for them. We laugh, we cry, we talk about everything under the sun- its the biggest gift I could ask for.

Sunday I sat on the bus home from meeting a family I will likely be babysitting for as it snowed outside eating Plantain chips (typical Salvadoran snack) and was reminded of this interesting feeling of having homes in so many places that I come upon again and again. I miss El Salvador every day and struggle to understand how I get to be here studying, warm, living such a luxurious life while the people I love so dearly can barely put food on the table. I try to remember that being there is how I ended up here and that these degrees are going to help me give myself more fully to making change in this world. But sometimes I feel so far away- and then there are moments where the worlds collide in big and little ways and I feel so grateful, so connected to both worlds. But really- I dont feel that enough. My classes are all talking about the reality of suffering I encountered there but I feel far away from it- and am continuing to figure out how to carry it.

I think my time here is really important for that- to keep finding ways to hold, carry, understand, be inspired by the suffering that I have encountered. I was just writing a paper about a theologan who talks about the importance of remembering and lamenting suffering rather than finding rational answers for it. A lot of what Im learning is that there are not answers- and somehow we have to find ways to live in that ambiguity and make sense of our every day lives, do what we can to create instead of destruct and fight against oppression instead of oppress all while holding onto some hope that there is something better we are working towards.

My brain has fireworks exploding everyday- I am learning so much. Gathering language for what I believe, imagining ways I will live and be in this world, gaining tools to make change, asking hard hard questions and feeling so inspired every day.

I know that its right for me to be here. Even though there are so many people and places that I miss. And its taken a while to feel settled. I feel settled. I feel like me. I feel myself growing and stretching and deepening. And I could not be more grateful.