Blogs on blogs on blogs- my brain is exploding and right now I'm not sure what else to do with all these thoughts and questions other then to blog.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how we are here studying all those things and how important it is to be engaging with both intellect and affect- our brains and our hearts. My life tendency has always been one of affect and heart before intellect and brain. Which makes me who I am, lets me love so deeply, engage with the world in a way that has transformed me- but also, sometimes can be problematic and maybe most importantly is sometimes lacking the backing I need to make the change in this world I so deeply want to make. This means two things right now... one: it is physically impossible for me to not engage in all that I am learning with my heart.. I am slowly learning to be less of an emotional rollercoaster and keep the tears from filling my eyes during class but I will forever feel my heart palpatating and breaking as I am learning about the reality of our world, our understanding of God and the connection between it all. Secondly, this learning to engage with life from a place of intellect is really important for me.
Sunday is the 25th anniversary of the Jesuits, their house keeper Elba and her daughter Celina in El Salvador because of their commitment to justice for the poor and innocent of their country in the face of the US supporting the military in brutally killing those who were standing up for equality. It is also the 15th anniversary of the Casa, started by Tre and Kev to commemorate their lives and further their legacy of educating with intellect and affect in the context of poverty and injustice.
I am currently writing a paper about Ignacio Ellacuría- one of those six Jesuits who were killed who was the President of the University of Central America at the time. His theology was one of giving responsibility to the people who cause the great amount of suffering and marginilization in our world today and calling about action against this injustice, a continued fight for the equality through our words, actions and lives. He cited Jesus' life and mission as the cause of his death because of the powerful who were threatened by that, and thus the call of the crucified people- of all of us- today to stand up against the powerful who are causing such great oppression. His philosophy and theology are super intellectual and take me sometime to dig into and understand- but are important for me to understand- not necesarilly because I need to understand how thats all connected to call me to continue doing what I want to do. But more so because I think too often if we only engage from a place of intellect we miss the point- we can stay in our warm libraries and coffee shops writing papers about suffering and God but not actually be with the people and put it all into action. Yet if I can engage both maybe I can have some credibility in convincing the world that we MUST be putting this all into action. In my paper I have to write a criticism- I think that sometimes we walk a fine line of glorifying suffering and the lives of those who are suffering being full of hope and "salvation" and closeness to God- which is true BUT we have a responsibility to make a change and they are put in this situation because of structural injustices and no matter how strong, hopeful, loving and out of these world these people are- it is not ok that they suffer in this way- EVER.
Today at the UCA is a day of celebration- a soccer tournament, alfombra making and tonight mass and the vigil for the martyrs. It is an absolutely amazing day and the energy that fills the University grounds is absolutely incredible. One of remembrance, hope, responsibility, carrying forward the torch that the martyrs left us. The first time I went something huge moved in me.. I'll never forget standing there surrounded by people I love feeling so inspired to make something of my life, to keep fighting for the justice, love and equality the martyrs died for.
I have been in El Salvador on this day for the past three years- and not being there today hurts my heart. I love it so much, it fuels me the community, reality, honesty and energy. The mass is always one of the few that I fully understand and that is so real- talking about how bad things are with a deep undertone of motivation to make change. I don't think we do that enough here.
I wrote this the night of the vigil last year
"I felt the same things I have each time- this renewed appreciation for this program and why we are here. A deep love for this country and it's history. An overwhelming feeling of connectedness- But also an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and fear for this world, which comes from the honesty of the homily. But also so much hope- such a desire to give and do something real. To work against the suffering and injustice in this world. Such a radical call to a life with the poor- not one of gated communities, luxury cars and shopping malls that let us turn our back on the world- which is a hard, scary call- but one I want to follow"
So- in honor of the martyrs- and so many people in El Salvador who are inspired by their legacy- today I am writing about Ellacuría with a candle lit and Salvadoran music playing, going to pupusas and trying to marinate in what the martyrs and people of El Salvador do so well- a deep, heart breaking and challenging honesty about what's not right in the world AND a hope, inspiration and faith in something that this fight is worth fighting and things will change. Today I was at a talk and she reminded us of the importance of doing things even if we can't see the results- doing them for the people who come after us. Of imagining that SOMEDAY, today, tomorrow things are shifting and will shift.. and the lives taken for peace 25 years ago are still fueling a living faith and commitment to a better world.
I am grateful that engaging with the intellect brings tears to my eyes, images of people I love, stories, moments and so much engagement with my heart. And I have to keep remembering that these years of studying are going to help me give to this world better as much as I can continue to engage with my heart too, with both sides- connect the two worlds that sometimes seem so far apart- just as the martyrs taught us to do.
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