I cant sleep.. so I'm gonna tell you about it. I'm hesitant to come here with a topic as blazing as this and as related to my theology studies as this- it feels risky. But it also feels really important and genuine to me. And important to my formation of learning to articulate and stand for what I believe- and this is a safe space to do that. There is so much in this post that is missing- parts of the Catholic Church that are responding to this issue so much better, arguments that are so much fuller, experiences that are complex and painful- but this is just a little piece of my heart tonight.
Tonight there was an event at the School of Theology and Minisry (STM)- one of my two homes on BC's Campus called "Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between Church Teaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"
Growing up this was a non negotiable. I think I was in 6th grade or something crazy when I started arguing for the rights of the LGBTQ population, wrote a paper about it in 8th grade and spent plenty of time arguing about it. Mom just taught me all love was love- or maybe she didn't have to teach me- it's just in the air we breath. And for years that was my anti religion, anti Catholicism sound track- if the Church says that the people I love who are in same sex relationships can't get married then I will stay far far away.
Now I'm studying Theology- grappling with who God is, what the Church teaching says and why and how all of that matters to us everyday. I never thought I'd find myself here- but its quite connected with the young girl who was taught all love was love and that if the Church disagreed then no way was I going to be a part of that. This is one of so many reasons that Im here. Because I really don't think its right and there are so many things that the Institutional Church does that I don't think are right- but I have also found a lot of things that make that same Church a welcoming home for reflection, loving better and fighting for social justice. Yet it leaves me spiraling trying to understand how there can be such a strong disconnect.
One of my amazing friends here started out the conversation tonight. She talked about how in creation their is diversity and that is of God and therefore good, how sexuality is a part of human nature and loving more deeply/entering into a more intimate and spiritual relationship with the other, how binary language and concepts function in so many ways that are hurtful and evil and that being in a same sex relationship has brought her joy and flourishing and cannot be seen as her "cross to bear". Then we heard the opposite opinion- sex is intended for procreation, we are biologically complementary as female and male and we should be careful which crosses to take from people because our suffering is salvific.
Ooof. Grant me eloquence and patience.
I think we are limiting human beings immensely if we are saying the whole of love and relationships is simply to create offspring. This is coming from a woman who has dreamt of being a mom since I was two- trust me I want to carry babies and birth them and love them with all of my being. But I don't believe all people are called to be parents, I don't believe all people are prepared to be parents and I sure as hell don't believe that simply being in a opposite sex relationship that produces off spring necessarily always brings greater love into the world- so much pain is caused by parents who are not ready to be parents, who do not have the support they need, who are broken down by the suffering in their lives.
And SO much beauty, goodness, and all sorts of creation that is not simply offspring comes from strong, mutual, loving relationships. One of the other panelists responded asking about infertile couples- the church doesn't tell them- "well your relationship is worthless so you must give up".. of course not! In fact we tell them they must stay married and hope for some miracle and be happy with all of it. I could talk about the scarily high number of children without homes, families, a safe space to grow up that need to be adopted into loving families, and also of the beauty of technology that allows same sex couples to have babies with their own genes too. There is SO much about that argument that makes me reel.
Then there is the cross- which is something that I could talk about forever. This idea that our suffering leads us to strength, salvation, closeness to God. That there is meaning in our suffering. Dear world, it is time to stop saying that. Suffering is painful and wrong and no loving God wants her people to be in pain. Yes we overcome suffering, yes some of my greatest strengths come from the process of overcoming pain- but also many of my biggest challenges come from that- and the God I believe in who loves us unconditionally has no desire for us to suffer. Beyond me there are millions of people in our world who are suffering incredible structural and societal injustices of poverty, violence, war and when we apply meaning to suffering we run the terrible risk of allowing there to be some belief that suffering is deserved or part of Gods plan. I just don't believe that. Not one bit.
The other panelists talked about some of the statistics of pain caused by these teachings. The rate of Homeless LGBTQ youth, their increased attempts of suicide, bullying, violence and the 10 million people who have left the Catholic Church BECAUSE of this issue. One of the most important things I am learning in my classes is that language functions. Knowing only a white, male, all powerful God has incredible implications across the world for women who internalize an idea of subordination. The Church's teaching that same sex intimacy and marriage is "intrinsically disordered" "against nature" or a number of other words for wrong is making people feel unwelcome, causing bullying, suicide and violence. And if we do not own that we need to "take a long hard look at the real".
To me being Catholic is about "taking people down from their crosses" as liberation theologists would say: i.e. relieving people's suffering, fighting for a better reality NOW, believing that we are all so loved, so delighted in and so whole in the eyes of God, the universe, the spirit and that what God wants for us is fullness of life, liberation and love. Which we are not giving to the LGBTQ population.
Despite the majority of the room being on the same page as me I left tonight's event feeling frustrated. Because the privileged, males (many of which are white) who have the power in our Church- are not engaged in sexually intimate relationships and somehow are able to distance themselves from the people on the ground- are the ones making the decisions. And despite the fact that I am surrounded by incredibly smart, theologically sound people who believe homosexual love is the same love as any other love- the Church and so many people and institutions across the world are still finding ways to say "God loves you BUT" to a huge percentage of the population.
Just like questions of inequality and suffering in El Salvador I sometimes get lost in the injustice. My heart feels tormented by the fact that we are so far from what I believe all this theology and God stuff is about. And in some ways I am so grateful for that feeling of unsettled questioning, really just not ok with it that has formed within me. It keeps me honest and pushes me to stand up, use my voice and fight for something different. But I also get paralyzed by it and overwhelmed with a fear of how do we get past these big brick walls of tradition that seem to be so distant from the human experience of so many of the people I love who love the Church and continuously struggle to reconcile that with their LGBTQ identity.
And that torment, frustration and complete awe at the arguments of the Institutional Church. Thats why Im here. Because I found a home in the Church, I found an inspiration to fight for justice and have seen the hope and love so many others have found in the Church. And I will not stop hoping that someday there will be a home for everyone in the Church if they want it. And that the teachings and language of the Church will do what they claim to be about- extending love and forgiveness- rather than causing hurt, violence and exclusion.
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