I am a cheeseball beyond belief. And this right here is going to justify that
Every wednesday I spend two hours helping latino elementary schoolers read, its a requirement for my Sociology class. Tonight we had a reflection where myself and 5/6 other students at other elementary school placements just sat and talked about how our placements were and how the kids are and how it effects us and all this touchy feely stuff. And I walked away feeling right at home. We just talked about how important we are to this kids and how the littlest thing can make a huge difference for them. And once again I was reminded of my passion and love for helping kids and how I just want to surround myself with people who have the same passion and someday in my life that is what I want to do, somehow.
I thought about Young RYLA and how it is perfect and how much i love it
And i thought about the kiddos that cling on and how the attachment goes both ways. And how I want to commit myself to more time with kids and have that be a life long thing, cause more than anything else it fuels me to be better and bigger and makes me love life and see things in a totally different perspective. And how much I admire people who feel the same and who can open their eyes to differences and step back and remind themselves of how fortunate they are and who have their priorities a little more similar to mine than others.
My heart is smiling right now. And when it does this I gotta grab on to the feeling and run, cause Im guilty of forgetting, of getting caught up in my own little silly life and getting in ruts. So right now Im gonna promise myself again to do things with kids, all sorts of ages and backgrounds and places for the rest of my life in whatever shape I can. :)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
sparknotes
I havent wrote for quite sometime. For lots of reasons. There has been lots of life happening. So I will give some spark notes. Starting with tonight.
I just went for a run at 11:00 pm in shorts and a windbreaker, its February. It had just rained so the air felt fresh and was filled with the smell of rain, there was a little bit of mist on my shoulders and I was alone with my music and nature. Granted I live in the middle of the city I still felt alone with nature. The wind blowing, the palm trees swaying, the little snails and worms that we're out with the rain, the clouds and the moon shining through. It was really peaceful.
My mom was here all weekend and it was great to have her and also somewhat exhausting. We hung out all weekend with Jes and Kylie and it was lots of fun. It was nice to have her here. And in all honesty its nice to be home with my friends again in my own little world.
So now Im gonna go from a couple weeks back.
I may or may not have had a small crisis in my head. Of who am I and what am doing and wanting to do with my life. All of a sudden I was really questioning me, maybe more than I ever have before. I spent my whole life dealing with other peoples problems and all of a sudden it seemed like me was a little more confusing than I thought. It was good though, really made me think and evaluate what I want right now, and after a little bit of a roller coaster has left me in a better place.
I realized I needed a little change. A little focus on me and figure me out. A little, be in college and enjoy every second and use this time to figure yourself out. So figure myself out I will and learn and grow and see and play :) In the midst of that I died my hair brown,thats when Zachy called this a mid life crisis, cause of the brown hair dying not the crazy life thoughts, haha :) its fun and hair and temporary, so whatever.
I have been doing some serious adventuring lately and seeing and feeling and living and being and I absolutely love it. Im a dreamer. And when I adventure I relate everything to how that would fit into my life or how someday it might. Or how it fits in to other peoples life. Ive been dreaming of a yellow house with a pretty garden. Big windows. Lots of laughing and smiling and mornings spent on the deck in the sunshine with tea. I told you im a dreamer. I went to Tahoe with Jesse and it was so great, we left at 5am and the drive was gorgeous and we talked about life the whole 3 hour drive while watching the sunset and the landscape change from city to windmills to vineyards and orchards to wide open rolling green country side, to mountains and SNOW and skiing in California. The next day I went to the beach with the girls. I love it. I am absolutely in love with this place and this life and where I am. And sometimes it just takes a bit of unsure to become a little more sure.
I also decided to give up sweets for lent. Not so much in an effort to be catholic (shh dont tell) but more so in an effort to test my will power. I've done good so far, we'll see how long it lasts.
OH OH OH! SO SPRING BREAK 2010! Hayley, Keely, Lauren and I are going to San Diego for the week and we will be spending the week seeing, feeling, being, living and ADVENTURING! Oh boy that is my most favorite thing to do. Hayley has a whole week of sites and beach time and bike rides and hikes and Disney Land and all sorts of fun planned for us and it is gonna be a blast. Especially considering the fact that we spend 80% of our time together on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. I cant wait!
Spring registration is Wednesday. How on Earth can we be that close to the end of our freshmen year. Blows my mind. I know there has to be more but of course I cant think of it right now, so...I'll think. And be back, someday.
I just went for a run at 11:00 pm in shorts and a windbreaker, its February. It had just rained so the air felt fresh and was filled with the smell of rain, there was a little bit of mist on my shoulders and I was alone with my music and nature. Granted I live in the middle of the city I still felt alone with nature. The wind blowing, the palm trees swaying, the little snails and worms that we're out with the rain, the clouds and the moon shining through. It was really peaceful.
My mom was here all weekend and it was great to have her and also somewhat exhausting. We hung out all weekend with Jes and Kylie and it was lots of fun. It was nice to have her here. And in all honesty its nice to be home with my friends again in my own little world.
So now Im gonna go from a couple weeks back.
I may or may not have had a small crisis in my head. Of who am I and what am doing and wanting to do with my life. All of a sudden I was really questioning me, maybe more than I ever have before. I spent my whole life dealing with other peoples problems and all of a sudden it seemed like me was a little more confusing than I thought. It was good though, really made me think and evaluate what I want right now, and after a little bit of a roller coaster has left me in a better place.
I realized I needed a little change. A little focus on me and figure me out. A little, be in college and enjoy every second and use this time to figure yourself out. So figure myself out I will and learn and grow and see and play :) In the midst of that I died my hair brown,thats when Zachy called this a mid life crisis, cause of the brown hair dying not the crazy life thoughts, haha :) its fun and hair and temporary, so whatever.
I have been doing some serious adventuring lately and seeing and feeling and living and being and I absolutely love it. Im a dreamer. And when I adventure I relate everything to how that would fit into my life or how someday it might. Or how it fits in to other peoples life. Ive been dreaming of a yellow house with a pretty garden. Big windows. Lots of laughing and smiling and mornings spent on the deck in the sunshine with tea. I told you im a dreamer. I went to Tahoe with Jesse and it was so great, we left at 5am and the drive was gorgeous and we talked about life the whole 3 hour drive while watching the sunset and the landscape change from city to windmills to vineyards and orchards to wide open rolling green country side, to mountains and SNOW and skiing in California. The next day I went to the beach with the girls. I love it. I am absolutely in love with this place and this life and where I am. And sometimes it just takes a bit of unsure to become a little more sure.
I also decided to give up sweets for lent. Not so much in an effort to be catholic (shh dont tell) but more so in an effort to test my will power. I've done good so far, we'll see how long it lasts.
OH OH OH! SO SPRING BREAK 2010! Hayley, Keely, Lauren and I are going to San Diego for the week and we will be spending the week seeing, feeling, being, living and ADVENTURING! Oh boy that is my most favorite thing to do. Hayley has a whole week of sites and beach time and bike rides and hikes and Disney Land and all sorts of fun planned for us and it is gonna be a blast. Especially considering the fact that we spend 80% of our time together on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. I cant wait!
Spring registration is Wednesday. How on Earth can we be that close to the end of our freshmen year. Blows my mind. I know there has to be more but of course I cant think of it right now, so...I'll think. And be back, someday.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
thank you Eric, for everyday
There is a picture above my bed of Eric feeding me when im tinsy winsy, still in the hospital. that picture inspires me, makes my heart bigger, my world make more sense, my life more precious. there is another one of jess and him holding me, he's looking at me with this priceless look on his face. very very loving and a little bit of "good luck in this life, you can do it with a little bit of, or you'll learn how to" i cant quite put my tongue on it, but a little bit of welp, here we are, what can i teach you before i leave. if only he knew, actually i think he does. how much he has taught me. how much seeing him giving me that look and holding me and looking into my eyes like i have the answers, if he only knew how looking at that everyday changes my life. changes my outlook. reminds me of all i have. all ive learned. all i have left to live. and how important everyday is. and how loved i am. he makes me feel more loved than anyone else in the whole entire world. one look, the very very few pictures, those are the things that remind me how much i have. even from more far away than we can ever understand, he reminds me of some of the most important things in life. and makes my heart feel better and all of me feel more at home, cause he is here with me, always, everyday, in that picture, in the blue sky and sunshine and blowing palm trees, in the water, in the snow, the rain, the everything. I am a lucky girl to have had him, to have learned from him and to always and forever get to have him in my life.
Friday, January 29, 2010
living for moments of feeling and living with my best friend
My best friend is here, today we put on our flip flips, grabbed our rain coats and took off in a cute little prius (who was later named Margarita) and went for an awesome adventure to Santa Cruz
We went to the beach, wiggled our toes in the cold water, wrote our dreams in the sand and let them wash into the universe, we looked for sea shells, played with the birds, looked for different foot prints, and held on tight to each other as we took in all the beauty and felt our hearts and souls grow We found a cute little coffee shop and talked about growing up in coffee shops and opening one some day. We looked at all the pretty houses and dreamed of lives in Santa Cruz, alone, together, with boyfriends and husbands and families. We talked about boys and school and family and life and jammed good music. We listened to country music sing about love and life and toes in the sand with no worries in the world and thinkin about a girl in a white tank top and rocked out to forever young, cause we want to be forever young, we laughed and played crazy and thought the same things, we were best friends on an amazing adventure and took whatever turn felt right at the moment.
It was the best day I can remember in quite sometime. It felt so good. Nothing stopping us, just her and I in our world getting each other and feeling together.
Days like today, moments where I pause the blasting country music and turn to the person who has felt the most with me in my life, who is the best friend I could ever ask for, who knows a side of me I dont even know and who will be beside me for every step of my life and say "My soul is SOOOOOOOOOOO big right now" :).... those are the moments we live for
We went to the beach, wiggled our toes in the cold water, wrote our dreams in the sand and let them wash into the universe, we looked for sea shells, played with the birds, looked for different foot prints, and held on tight to each other as we took in all the beauty and felt our hearts and souls grow We found a cute little coffee shop and talked about growing up in coffee shops and opening one some day. We looked at all the pretty houses and dreamed of lives in Santa Cruz, alone, together, with boyfriends and husbands and families. We talked about boys and school and family and life and jammed good music. We listened to country music sing about love and life and toes in the sand with no worries in the world and thinkin about a girl in a white tank top and rocked out to forever young, cause we want to be forever young, we laughed and played crazy and thought the same things, we were best friends on an amazing adventure and took whatever turn felt right at the moment.
It was the best day I can remember in quite sometime. It felt so good. Nothing stopping us, just her and I in our world getting each other and feeling together.
Days like today, moments where I pause the blasting country music and turn to the person who has felt the most with me in my life, who is the best friend I could ever ask for, who knows a side of me I dont even know and who will be beside me for every step of my life and say "My soul is SOOOOOOOOOOO big right now" :).... those are the moments we live for
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Lovely Bones
I havent blogged for more than a week, thats not normal. I may be having trouble putting some feelings into words..so Im just letting them be feelings, there best that way, oh and they are good feelings so dont worry :)
I am reading the Lovely Bones...everyone kept saying how good it was but I was scared to read it cause it was too intense. Finally I folded and asked my mom to send it to me. I started it on Friday and am 7 pages away from the end, stuck between wanting so know the end and not ready for it to be over. There are without a doubt parts that are heart wrenching and make you cringe, but also a lot of parts that in a weird way kinda make your heart soar, for the love of people and life and death and lots of bittersweet things. Its SUCH a page turner, and the whole time makes my head go crazy. Thinking of those things...relationships, love, family, loss, life, death, heaven and so much more. I LOVE books that make me think about that. Think about Eric up there watching every moment of our lives, smiling and sometimes cringing at all he is seeing, thinking about my mom and dad and their loss and how that affected their life, thinking about someday when I have a family, and wanting it to be perfect, but knowing life happens, thinking about being a little kid and figuring things out and having walls crash around you as you try to make your life go. Its really good, I really like it. And I like doing a little bit of fun reading amidst all the reading about sociology and ethics and such.
Yesterday Scotty called and woke me up and said he had the day off and come to San Fran..I thought about for maybe 2 mins and then figured..why not. So i got ready really fast and ran to the train station and was on my way to San Fran for a day of anything. We went to a mall and went in circles and rode the spiral escalator (so cool we were like kids in a candy shop with that thing) and then he showed me the boat which I had no clue what to imagine and now have a picture in my head of how he spends his life, so so different than most of the world, which is really cool. And then we went out on a boat in the bay. And it was so sunshiney and beautiful and the sky was blue and there were pretty clouds and so much beautifulness. It was fantastic, and an adventure of seeing and feeling awesome things that was just what I have been looking for. Its pretty cool that I can just go hop on a train and be there and see this really awesome city and all the millions of different pieces of it.
Elyse is coming SO soon and Im so excited. She called yesterday and said "can we go streaking in Santa Cruz" so shes coming and we are gonna be reckless and adventurous and just exactly us and jam and play and laugh and talk and live...live soooo much it will be fantastic. I cant wait :)
This weekend nobody went out and we just stayed in and hung out and it was great. I really really really love this group of girlfriends I have here (i love the boys too). When I first really had a group of girlfriends in Summit I loved it so much, I never really had that in Leadville, obviously I have Ese and Chels and Katie but never just a group of girls like Liv, Molly, Kali, Steph and I had. So I guess Im just a little more aware of having vs not having a group of girlfriends to share everything with. And I love all laying in my bed or anyones bed and talking about everything and I absolutely love our outta control dance parties, its the best :)
The rain wont stop raining. And its fun sometimes for a little bit but I miss the sunshine and I wanna go for a run outside and I dont wanna go for a run in the rain. Im so glad it was sunny yesterday in San Fran. But I want it to be sunny here, hopefully it comes out by the end of the week. In the mean time we better go puddle jumping and dance in the rain and get drenched :)
Oops I highlighted it and cant get rid of it...sorry
I am reading the Lovely Bones...everyone kept saying how good it was but I was scared to read it cause it was too intense. Finally I folded and asked my mom to send it to me. I started it on Friday and am 7 pages away from the end, stuck between wanting so know the end and not ready for it to be over. There are without a doubt parts that are heart wrenching and make you cringe, but also a lot of parts that in a weird way kinda make your heart soar, for the love of people and life and death and lots of bittersweet things. Its SUCH a page turner, and the whole time makes my head go crazy. Thinking of those things...relationships, love, family, loss, life, death, heaven and so much more. I LOVE books that make me think about that. Think about Eric up there watching every moment of our lives, smiling and sometimes cringing at all he is seeing, thinking about my mom and dad and their loss and how that affected their life, thinking about someday when I have a family, and wanting it to be perfect, but knowing life happens, thinking about being a little kid and figuring things out and having walls crash around you as you try to make your life go. Its really good, I really like it. And I like doing a little bit of fun reading amidst all the reading about sociology and ethics and such.
Yesterday Scotty called and woke me up and said he had the day off and come to San Fran..I thought about for maybe 2 mins and then figured..why not. So i got ready really fast and ran to the train station and was on my way to San Fran for a day of anything. We went to a mall and went in circles and rode the spiral escalator (so cool we were like kids in a candy shop with that thing) and then he showed me the boat which I had no clue what to imagine and now have a picture in my head of how he spends his life, so so different than most of the world, which is really cool. And then we went out on a boat in the bay. And it was so sunshiney and beautiful and the sky was blue and there were pretty clouds and so much beautifulness. It was fantastic, and an adventure of seeing and feeling awesome things that was just what I have been looking for. Its pretty cool that I can just go hop on a train and be there and see this really awesome city and all the millions of different pieces of it.
Elyse is coming SO soon and Im so excited. She called yesterday and said "can we go streaking in Santa Cruz" so shes coming and we are gonna be reckless and adventurous and just exactly us and jam and play and laugh and talk and live...live soooo much it will be fantastic. I cant wait :)
This weekend nobody went out and we just stayed in and hung out and it was great. I really really really love this group of girlfriends I have here (i love the boys too). When I first really had a group of girlfriends in Summit I loved it so much, I never really had that in Leadville, obviously I have Ese and Chels and Katie but never just a group of girls like Liv, Molly, Kali, Steph and I had. So I guess Im just a little more aware of having vs not having a group of girlfriends to share everything with. And I love all laying in my bed or anyones bed and talking about everything and I absolutely love our outta control dance parties, its the best :)
The rain wont stop raining. And its fun sometimes for a little bit but I miss the sunshine and I wanna go for a run outside and I dont wanna go for a run in the rain. Im so glad it was sunny yesterday in San Fran. But I want it to be sunny here, hopefully it comes out by the end of the week. In the mean time we better go puddle jumping and dance in the rain and get drenched :)
Oops I highlighted it and cant get rid of it...sorry
Thursday, January 14, 2010
no end to the adventures
Ever since I went to RYLA i have gotten a quote in my email everyday from the Foundation for a Better Life, this super cool organization. Sometimes they are awesome, other times they are kinda average. I started today reading this one
"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open"
What a wonderful freaking way to start my day. Its so true, so incredibly true. Last night I couldn't sleep so I searched for some adventures. I opened google maps, typed in the schools address and explored the map, then I chose a park and went for a run to it today. It was awesome, I just ran, through these streets that I don't know at all and took it all in, the smells, the sounds, all the sights and then stopped at the park and took some more in. I saw big fancy houses, and small houses, I saw squirrels and birds and bugs and lots of different people and at the park I just sat in the grass and watched the people enjoy the park. The kiddos playing and totally loving it, the little boys teaching each other to tackle, the toddlers waddling around exploring all that this big cool world has to offer them. I smelled the grass and the trees and the fresh(ish) air and felt the sun and wind on my shoulders and just explored, in the most simple form. So I decided, I will start looking for different places to run to every time I go for a run and explore the places around me that way, while enjoying the outdoors and getting my daily dose of stress relieving exercise. Perfect :)
And this weekend is a three day weekend. Scotty is coming. And I have spread my need for adventure and exploration to Hayley and some other antsy people on the floor. So we are gonna play and explore and its gonna be fantastic.
Its true, there is so much to explore and I dont even need a car or any money, I have so much right around me to explore. And when the opportunity arises to go a little further Im gonna take it but finding a little way to explore all on my own made me a little less antsy. And I am so freaking excited for this weekend. So much to feel. And see and live and be and love. Its wonderful :)
"We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open"
What a wonderful freaking way to start my day. Its so true, so incredibly true. Last night I couldn't sleep so I searched for some adventures. I opened google maps, typed in the schools address and explored the map, then I chose a park and went for a run to it today. It was awesome, I just ran, through these streets that I don't know at all and took it all in, the smells, the sounds, all the sights and then stopped at the park and took some more in. I saw big fancy houses, and small houses, I saw squirrels and birds and bugs and lots of different people and at the park I just sat in the grass and watched the people enjoy the park. The kiddos playing and totally loving it, the little boys teaching each other to tackle, the toddlers waddling around exploring all that this big cool world has to offer them. I smelled the grass and the trees and the fresh(ish) air and felt the sun and wind on my shoulders and just explored, in the most simple form. So I decided, I will start looking for different places to run to every time I go for a run and explore the places around me that way, while enjoying the outdoors and getting my daily dose of stress relieving exercise. Perfect :)
And this weekend is a three day weekend. Scotty is coming. And I have spread my need for adventure and exploration to Hayley and some other antsy people on the floor. So we are gonna play and explore and its gonna be fantastic.
Its true, there is so much to explore and I dont even need a car or any money, I have so much right around me to explore. And when the opportunity arises to go a little further Im gonna take it but finding a little way to explore all on my own made me a little less antsy. And I am so freaking excited for this weekend. So much to feel. And see and live and be and love. Its wonderful :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
inspiration, bucket list, feeling, being, breathing, LIVING
Mei posted a new blog today. Im guilty of checking that thing on a very regular basis, it inspires me, it makes me wanna be better, it makes me think about life and living and I absolutely love it. Today, she talked about living with intention. Breathing in every moment, letting happiness soothe her soul, looking for things and surrounding herself with things that make her better, stopping, looking, seeing, finding ways to make herself soar, letting herself be who she is, letting sadness in, caring a lot but not about the things she cant change. LIVING in every moment. More often then not Mei puts my feelings into words that I could never create. Im so in need to live and be and feel every second lately. To breathe in the fresh Colorado air, and the different flavor of the California air, to go to the Ocean, to the Mountains, to surround myself with the people and ideas that make me better, to become more, to soar, to be so many things. I have a cheesy post it on my desk that says "Hold onto the sunshine, every moment of every day, cause those are the things that make you soar" Mei makes my heart soar, I read her blog and I feel my heart getting bigger and my braining growing more curious and a need to live and learn and be and understand and go and dream and grow crawling inside me, waiting to get out. Its an amazing feeling that only dramatizes everything I have been feeling lately. I WANT TO BE, I want to explore and adventure and learn and grow and do all these things. I wanna say it a million times cause the feeling is one like I have never known before, one that fills my thoughts minute after minute and makes every experience greater because I feel so alive and I only want everyday to feel more alive, to soak up all the amazing opportunities that life has to offer me. I hope I never loose that feeling, I hope that I always want to be more and grow more and see and feel and do. And I hope that I can act on that feeling, always and forever.
In slew of Mei's inspiration, of my feeling, and of one freaking awesome friend who makes me laugh harder then I can explain, and who's emotions I feel and who can read my thoughts and makes me better I started a bucket list. Hayley and Keely and I sat on the bed and talked about our dreams, compared notes, helped each other dream bigger. Making a bucket list is amazing, and as I told Scotty, who cheers and spreads his love and passion for life to me like none other, it opened a can of worms, and my thoughts started to go crazy, and my dreams will now even be bigger and greater. Some highlights from my bucket list.
Have a happy, healthy family
Study Abroad
Semester at Sea
Write A Book
Get all dressed up and stand in the rain and get drenched
Lay in the middle of the street and look at the stars
Buy my moms house
Relearn an instrument
Reread the Harry Potter books
Kiss on the top of a ferris wheel
Hike Mt.Elbert
Live with Ese
Live with Britt
Go to a Jimmy Buffett concert and a Jack Johnson concert
teach in a foreign country
volunteer in a 3rd world country
paint
travel...to so many places
be Head JC at Young RYLA
do a triathalon
the list goes on, and just rethinking about those puts so many more thoughts in my head. It reminds me of that song "I wanna do it all, visit Paris in the fall, watch the Yankees play ball, I wanna take it all in" Thats like a bucket list in a song, so freaking cool. Man I just have so many thoughts and wants and bah, Im just excited for everyday of life, to learn about all the things I can do and be and feel all the ways I can be alive. I love it and am so lucky for so much life and so much love and so many dreams. Whats on your list?
In slew of Mei's inspiration, of my feeling, and of one freaking awesome friend who makes me laugh harder then I can explain, and who's emotions I feel and who can read my thoughts and makes me better I started a bucket list. Hayley and Keely and I sat on the bed and talked about our dreams, compared notes, helped each other dream bigger. Making a bucket list is amazing, and as I told Scotty, who cheers and spreads his love and passion for life to me like none other, it opened a can of worms, and my thoughts started to go crazy, and my dreams will now even be bigger and greater. Some highlights from my bucket list.
Have a happy, healthy family
Study Abroad
Semester at Sea
Write A Book
Get all dressed up and stand in the rain and get drenched
Lay in the middle of the street and look at the stars
Buy my moms house
Relearn an instrument
Reread the Harry Potter books
Kiss on the top of a ferris wheel
Hike Mt.Elbert
Live with Ese
Live with Britt
Go to a Jimmy Buffett concert and a Jack Johnson concert
teach in a foreign country
volunteer in a 3rd world country
paint
travel...to so many places
be Head JC at Young RYLA
do a triathalon
the list goes on, and just rethinking about those puts so many more thoughts in my head. It reminds me of that song "I wanna do it all, visit Paris in the fall, watch the Yankees play ball, I wanna take it all in" Thats like a bucket list in a song, so freaking cool. Man I just have so many thoughts and wants and bah, Im just excited for everyday of life, to learn about all the things I can do and be and feel all the ways I can be alive. I love it and am so lucky for so much life and so much love and so many dreams. Whats on your list?
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