Grateful for the miracle that is every moment

Im drinking hot chocolate out of my "Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride" mug that Mindy got me for graduation. Dude.. it just has so much meaning.

It was one of those days. And sometimes I think, its really just one of those lives.. in the most beautiful of ways. You just gotta keep truckin through it all.

I dont know if Im supposed to write in this blog anymore. I feel weird not writing about Chris and Santos and Reina, and not having everyday rock my world to the point that I know no other option than to write and share and let the world into that adventure. I dont know what Im supposed to write about. And I know Im not supposed to write about anything, Im just supposed to let it flow and put my thoughts on this screen and you all can do with it what you will.

Im trying to figure out how to live in this world. And I am surrounded by so much love. This morning I woke up to two emails showering me in love from two oh so very special people. My dear Diana whose presence I miss so dearly at SCU and my second mama Betsy who I also miss so much.  They started my day out with such grace, let me step a little lighter and feel a little more of that groundedness in love that I knew and loved so much in the last weeks in El Salvador.

But living in this world is up and down. Some moments I feel completely able and ready to take on the world. And others I feel a little empty and a little overwhelmed. Today, the combination of feeling a little anxious and dearest Juancito's continued wisdom I stopped and looked at that feeling. This lifestyle is so fast and busy and competitive. And in El Salvador we were just being. It was busy but it was busy with learning about ourselves and the world, listening and sharing stories and just learning to love. Here is is busy with finding jobs, doing homework, studying for tests, searching for internships, and sometimes I just feel like Im constantly running to catch up. It feels like a lot of pressure and trying to be the best and work the hardest and make enough money and have enough free time and exercise enough. When really.. just being here in this life is enough.

I am so privileged to be peer educating in life writing, the class that was so very healing for me while I was in El Salvador. I have a familia of students who I get to create and a hold a space for writing, healing and sharing, and I get to continue the process with them, even if they might not know that. And while we were meditating to start out the class I looked at that anxious feeling and thought about my familia writing and sharing their most difficult moments. And I realized that all of that catching up and running and being enough.. it doesnt really matter, especially if I can stay grounded in what does matter. And what does matter is their difficult and joyful moments, is where our hearts are, good friendships, quality conversations, learning and staying grounded. The same things that were so easy to matter in El Salvador, must be made a priority here everyday, cause its too easy to get caught up and knocked down by all the trying to be enough or be the best and all the chaos of running to catch up.

I dont know where this is going. But I am grateful. Grateful for the immense amount of love that is in my life. Grateful for the chance to feel overwhelmed and for the millions of opportunities that are swirling around in my head. I am grateful for old friendships and new owns. For Casa citas through skype and the phone and the life that they bring me. The wisdom and love that flows so freely from my Romero family and has taught me how to love. For the most amazing friends here who are secretly planning something for my birthday that I know will be wonderful. For Casa and bringing to me a place that this reality is hard in a different way and for its teaching me to know what keeps me grounded and what should be a priority. And what it feels like to live in that groundedness of love and peace and fulfillment... and what it doesnt feel like and ways to get back there.

I am so grateful. For the miracle that is figuring out the ups and downs of this life. And continuing to stride. And having that experience so close to my heart.

And for remembering that "You are the sky, everything else, its just weather"

So... what now

Im home... a week ago I was getting on a plane leaving the country that stole my heart with tears in my eyes.. full of so much love and life and equally exhausted.

Now Im sitting on my couch with the flu watching every video I can possibly find that is Casa related with tears in my eyes. Oh how I miss it.

So what do I do with these past 4 months now? When the few people who are brave enough to ask, I dont even know where to start. Do I talk about the women of Cedro that rocked my world, the kiddos and their beautiful little brown eyes, the pain, struggle, poverty that is so livable because of their faith and optimism. Or the war, the martyrs, the horrible ways that the U.S. was involved.. and the horrible ways we continue to oppress the people of El Salvador and so many other countries around the world? Or do I talk about Casa Romero and the love, support, healing, learning and growth that happened within that sweet little house. There is just so much that Im not even sure Ive processed myself yet, let alone am able to regurgitate in a somewhat nicely wrapped package. I want so badly to share.. but right now I havent figured out the trick yet.

Being home is interesting.  Partly cause Ive been sick, partly cause its Leadville and there arent many other options without a car and partly because Im feeling extremely apathetic I have barely left this house. I finally got to see the Leadville crew and it was so great to see them.. but I would be lying if I said I was completely present and not thinking about Salvador so much. I dont know how to bring this home yet, how to live it in this context. It was really easy to live it there.. to love so hard, to recieve love, to be aware of the reality and to never loose perspective. And I know the point of it all is the challenge of bringing it home, but I havent figured out how to live it without Casa Romero, without 25 other students around me to help me be better. Without Cedro twice a week to fill me with love and remind me whats important in this world. And I know it...like everyone says.. you cant not know what you now know. So what is it that I know.. I know that the commercials drive me crazy, I cant understand why anyone would ever need the ridiculously expensive things that they are trying to convince us we need, I know that when I go searching for more blankets cause Im sick, I think of the families during the rain having no way to get more blankets, I know that I have no desire to go shopping, that I am trying to figure out where I will ever buy clothes again knowing how unjust the factories are. I know all the stuff in my room and this house seems absolutely rediculous.

I also know something new about love and being human and having hope... but Im not sure where those feelings are right now.

So I decided I would find them in all things El Salvador. So I watched Father Mark talk about the Martyrs, and Quentins video about Dean and Claire's video shes been showing people at home.
And I felt those things again.. I cried seeing faces that I love so much, and already miss more than I knew was possible. I cried at the reminder of the life that they gave me.
And to see Father Mark talk about El Salvador with so much poise and grace outside of the Casa context.. he showed me its possible, and its ok to use these words. He talked about how the Salvadorans humanize the martyrs.. and oh how they humanize everyone. They so taught me what it means to be human.. without any possessions and pride and all the messy stuff that gets in the way. Just in life.. of pain and struggle but also of joy and so much hope. They taught me to keep going, to keep loving, and to share in this life.  He showed Lupita talking, one of our cooks, and filled me with her love and wisdom just through that one little video clip. And talked about the vigil... and took me back to that whole body peace I felt that night.. that somehow this all makes sense.. and all we can do is keep loving, thats really what they taught me. Then he showed a students praxis project from a few years back... the project is to the song Hallelujah and shows through the eyes of her site, the Salvadorans, the Casa students that it really is "It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah"And that is so what they taught us.. this life is so many things.. it hurts and it throws you around and it doesnt make sense.. but in so many ways in makes a lot of sense and is so full of grace and life.

And I needed that reminder. I needed to feel that. And I need to know that is true here too.. and that this life even though it seems a little slower, a little less inspiring than the Salvadorans.. is so full of grace, beauty, love and life. And I need to embrace it. I need to stop being so apathetic and bored and find the things that make me feel.. starting with those videos.. but really the things that are right here. The friends and the beauty and life that is so here.. and that I have to stop minimizing. So I need to find the balance.. of being in touch with El Salvador.. and letting it stay alive in me, and using the reminders I need, but also embracing that I am here now, and just as we were taught to be present there, I have to be present here because life cannot stop after El Salvador. I will continue missing it, cause these last 4 months were the best of my entire life, but I have to hold it in me, for Santos and little Christopher, for Kenya and Lidia and Tomas and so many names I could list that gave me life, so I have to keep finding life.

Heres to the challenges of reverse culture shock, of reentry, of trying to figure it out. To knowing new things, and to holding onto those, no matter the context.

<3

P.S. Here is the link to the video on the martryrs.. SO worth watching to get another glimpse into El Salvador
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8miciR0MrI&feature=youtu.be

Whats the end gonna look like?

Im not sure if these words will come how I want them to... I just know that I never want to forget these moments, this feeling, this love.

I started packing today. Checking final project and papers off the list one by one. And our despidida (goodbye party)  is tomorrow. Ouch

We have been closing up everything so beautifully. Sharing parts of our autobiographies to the flickering light of candles til 2 in the morning, affirming each other and yesterday a beautiful morning with our final projects for liberation theology.  The feeling inside me is affirming all that has come from this experience..I feel strong, I feel whole, full of love but still raw and vulnerable.. with some walls pulled down, something I hope I can hold onto. There are parts of me that are excited to go home, to see all of you wonderful people, to lay in my bed for as long as I want and to just be in the comfort of home. But leaving has already started to hurt and I really dont know how to say goodbye to these people and this experience. I know it will forever be in my heart but I have been the most alive, so very loved and grown so much in the last four months its hard to think of life outside of here. But we are soaking it up and trying to take every minute for what it is...

Here is the ending of my autobiography just for a little glimpse into my heart :) See you soon!

“Whats the ending gonna look like?” This is the ending. Candles flickering, minutes on the clock tick by, but what is time anymore? What is sleep? Its two am on Saturday, I’ve been awake but one hour since six am Thursday. But I am running on something. Energy runs through my blood… part peaceful and full, part anxious and scared to be empty.

            Finding myself in these sacred spaces again and again. Romero community night record, we sat in a circle with our hands touching the person being affirmed until 3:25am. One by one we made our way into the middle of the circle. Affirmations came free and genuinely, from a place deep inside, a love that has built over 4 months that sometimes feels like a life time. We were full and connected when the night came to its long end, this community has learned to love, to be vulnerable and to give so hard. I never want to let go.

            I woke up after an hour of sleep. Put on my favorite skirt. Casi floor length, quilted with different patterns, colors, lines, life’s, together into something beautiful. Today I want to feel good. I am sleep deprived and I haven’t kept food down for four days, El Salvador does that to you. But I am alive and time is running out and I want to soak it all in. We hurry down to the UCA, that jittery groggy feeling when you don’t sleep enough leaves the busses and cars burling down the road more dangerous.

            Peggy has talked about this project from the beginning. “Show us how you have been liberated” do something creative. “Michelle, you’re up” I felt the nerves, shakily introducing this poem, the way this experience has liberated me. I stood up there and listened to Peggy’s advice “Just breathe and speak loud” I stood in front of the class and spoke my soul, the pain, the confusion, the beauty. Becoming a woman through the models of my mother and now the mothers of Cedro. Becoming a woman through me. I felt strong, confident and whole in my being. Like I needed to say those words to empower myself.

            Project after project blew me away, the incredible individuality of these amazing humans, the myriad of ways this experience has changed us, liberated us, given us a sense of life we have never felt before.  Songs, mosaics, paintings, poems, raps and decorated mirrors, all these ways to express what we have found in El Salvador.  

            Margot made her way to the front of the room, sick and miserable but ready to speak her truth. “I wrote my first poem so bear with me” It seemed like a poem that had come from years and years of practice, beautiful, painful and full of truth. My eyes were full of water all morning, but her words gave the tears permission to fall. I came to El Salvador with a best friend I had only known for a year, someone who knew me better than anyone in the world and as she talked about her pain my heart broke and soared in the same moment. She talked about the pain with her dad, trying to figure out what suffering is and knowing only that we cant hold it in, we have to let it fly. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had no control over the tears that were falling from my eyes. Seeing her liberation made me see mine, I looked around the room at these people who have become family and felt a pain for their pain. It seemed to all hit me in that moment and more tears fall than I have allowed to fall this whole experience. They fall for my pain, for her pain and for all of your pain. They fall for this country, the fear we cannot ignore as we leave it behind, broken, violent, poor. They fall in joy and gratitude to come here and touch pain, to share pain, to love, to find life and to come to this moment. They fall in a fear to let go of this love and life that I have found here yet in an amazement of the liberation, strength and empowerment I have found in this place. They fall from a woman, not a little girl, who has touched your pain and can touch hers

mujeres con fuerza y familia de amor

I wish I had the time, the energy, the emotional stability to write a blog post everyday. I wish I would have and I wish I could in the next 10 days.. but I guess if I had enough time for that I wouldn’t be being fulled to the brim with love and life and learning. So.. I have a few things.

First… women. Last Wednesday at Cedro I had a game changing day. I had three really special moments with three really beautiful, strong, incredible women that have taught me something I have been searching for. I cant quite say they gave me an answer but they sparked some sort of movement inside me. These women are the strongest I have ever known, not because they are outspoken or because they are the most “successful” or have the most knowledge.. but maybe that is why. Really its because they live through conditions that we could never imagine day after day after day and they don’t see a way out but they never let that stop them from trying to make their lives and their kids lives better. They are the most faithful human beings I know, never letting suffering have the last say in their lives. Still there is more, suffering does not paralyze them but it also is not pushed under the rug as something meaningless, weak or to be forgotten. They feel it, they share it and they grow from it. They take the shitty conditions they are born into and they keep on walking forward, keep on showing up, keep on loving unconditionally and keep on believing that they will survive. And for that reason they survive. Their tears have taught me so much, that tears and pain and suffering and sharing and being vulnerable… are so ok and so vital to this life and so parallel and one with joy. They have taught me that joy and love are also vital but that they come more naturally than I knew before, and that they are unending and important and so important to be shared. These women have empowered me to continue searching for the line between never letting my suffering stop me from wanting more and never forgetting or diminishing the importance of it. They have showed me how to feel, love, heal, sigue adelante, celebrate and live in this life that is so many things that we will never understand. And for them I am enternally grateful.

Next… I don’t think I have written much about the amazing family that has nurtured me for the past four months right here in my own home. I am surrounded my 12 people that listen, laugh, hurt and smile together through all the ups of downs of the world and each individual. We have watermelon rind food fights at the dinner table, do pranks at two in the morning, open our souls to each other, let each other cry, laugh harder than I ever have, carol, cuddle, listen and just live in the most wonderful way together. Tuesday night we went caroling to the other houses, Thursday for community night we shared about the joyful and painful moments, the people that this experience has enshrined in our hearts and the ways in which this experience has liberated us. We sat in pairs with candles, in hammocks staring at the stars and scattered around the house listening and reminiscing together about how absolutely vital this experience has been to our lives being fuller. We talked about being scared to go home, to leave this comfort and to let go of these people who have become the most amazing family. This experience is so much about them and I really do not have a clue what it will be like to live without them in ten days. But for those ten I will enjoy every single moment with them.

Third.. we went to the beach this weekend and I just need to say that I love the beach, the ocean, water, nature and really just life. Emily sat next to me today as we laid in the black sand and said “How is this my life” but actually this country is just absolutely beautiful, a different kind of beautiful than the many other beautiful places I have been blessed to have a part of my soul. The ocean is big and powerful but also so peaceful and so much fun. I could listen to the waves crash for hours and I could swim in them at any time of day and just be the happiest. I was raised as a water baby and I love it.. I thought of Michigan and freezing California beach trips and just soaked it up. Cause this was our last free weekend in El Salvador.

Next week we start our goodbyes. And oh is it going to hurt. When I think about it intellectually I know it is time to go home and take this experience into reality. I know that I am so excited to be there, to see my friends and be with my family and in the comforts of snow falling, tea, hot tubs, skiings, and then Santa Clara loving. But my heart cant quite intellectualize it as well and when I think of it with my heart it just breaks. I know I will be ok, I know there is so very much to look forward to, but this place has gotten into the depths of my soul. And I am going to miss it and these people so so very much.

So Im gonna keep saying it.. I will soak up the next ten days and carry them with me in my heart forever and ever. <3

Grateful

As I lay in bed reading “Where is God” and trying to compartmentalize how I will get everything that I need to done I cannot help but think how little time we have left here. My room is so cozy, so mine, so exactly how I want it, and in less than two weeks I will have to pack it all up and leave, not just this room, this house, this community, but this entire country. And those words hurt my heart more than I ever thought they would, they dig deep, bring tears to my eyes and make me want to curl up and avoid reality for as long as I can.

Sister Peggy said it, and my mom, so motherly repeated it, “You just have to be grateful for this experience”… despite the slight defense that comes o (I am grateful but that wont make me miss them less) I get it. And I am incredibly grateful. And last week was Thanksgiving. And I have so much I need to say, and only can think of how little time I have left to say it.

My family came to El Salvador. Mom, Jesse and Kylie. They came to praxis, we went to the volcano, the UCA, the Cathedral, Romero dinner and other fun stuff in between. We had wonderful conversations, about poverty in El Salvador, about healing and about wedding plans.

I cant believe they were here and now they are gone. I am so incredibly grateful they were able to come, to see this world, this family, this me that has come out of all this. And I guess when I think about it that’s really the most important. Jesse and Kylie got it, they dove right in and listened and watched and questioned. And mom was here, the first time ever with a passport, opening her eyes a little wider, loving on me, and doing her best to understand. Right now it doesn’t seem life shattering but I think when I look back on this experience and the fact that they were able to come I will jump for joy.

The most special moment was Tuesday night at Spirituality Night. At first I sat next to Jesse and Kylie worrying that it would be akward.. that maybe we should have skipped this. We read a poem about gratitude, had some time to think and write and then could share if we wanted. I really didn’t know what to expect and all three of them left me with tears streaming down my face. Tears do not fall from my eyes open in public, when I went to Santa Clara it was like my tear ducts were dried up and fully equipped to keep it all deep inside. Even with all the healing and honesty that has happened here I just don’t cry a lot. I cried the most Ive cried in a reflection here after each of them shared. They all talked about being here with me, family, and Jesse said “to see the love and growth that is in you” and I buried my head in my knees and cried.

I wrote love in the center of my leaf of gratitude and I wasn’t even sure why. But as I watched my mom, my brother and my soon to be sister in law express their gratitude for me, each other and this life, I realized that love really is the base of it all, the base of continuing, the base of happiness. I cannot say that the past twenty years have been easy, there were hard and painful times, sometimes it seemed like there was nothing else to do other than survive, I was angry, sad, hurt and so many things. But since forever I was full to the brim with love, a love that left me hanging on in the pain and confusion, that allowed me to trust that things would turn out ok, that let there be sunshine at the end of the rainstorm.

A love that got me here to this place where I have learned even more about love. I have plenty of days left and I want to be right here in every moment of those days left. For my praxis project I did a video about Christopher, the 3 year old who has taught me so much about love. From the community that has allowed me to feel and in turn to heal.

My heart is full of emotions that I don’t quite know how to organize, ones Im not sure if I should feel or not feel, one so much that I need time to process. For now though I am so incredibly thankful my family was able to come visit me, to see this world, the whitness the chaos of this house, the beauty of that itty bitty Canton that has broke open my heart, and hopefully to get a glimpse of something that has built inside me in the last 3 and a half months.

I am grateful for the love, support, life I have found here. And more than anything I am grateful that its not over yet.

Day 3: accepting not understanding and living in love

Buenos Dias world.

Its been a while… we have been running non stop here and in the midst of it it felt like nothing big was really happening but it has been such a special two weeks.

My heart is so deeply rooted in this place and as I have told my family at Cedro, “quiero quedar aqui por el resto de mi vida”… I wanna stay here forever. 

The last two weeks have been crazy busy but have been full of celebration, love, time with the becarios and trying to find a place for the suffering of the rain and the weeks before vacation inside my head and heart.

This country knows how to celebrate and it is such a beautiful thing.

Wednesday after vacation was Dia de los Disfuntos and at first we thought we would have to take the day of praxis. Schools are closed, people don’t have to work and everyone goes with their family to visit the loved ones that have passed away. Then Santos, the main woman at the Comedor who is like a wonderful mother to us, invited us to join her family, such a special invitation. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. On the way to the cemetery the roads were packed with vendors selling flowers, paint, food and all sorts of decorations. We walked into the cemetery and I had never seen any thing like it. The whole cemetery was overflowing with people, loud and a little chaotic but such a special celebration. It was so different than anything I have ever seen at home but so amazing. Death is painful and somber but it is also celebrated, life is celebrated and loud and bright and talked about. It was such a special thing to be a part of and just another reminder of how well in touch this country with the juxtaposition of suffering and beauty, pain and celebration… the truth that makes up life that we so often hide from at home.

Saturday night we celebrated Suzy (one of the becario’s) graduation. Heidi and Grace’s house was lit by Christmas lights and candles and filled with us, becarios and family and friends. We ate and people said a few words to Suzy, congratulating her and explaining to the rest of us how special she is and we finished the night dancing, a million times more comfortable then we were dancing at our welcome party two and a half months ago. I didn’t even really know Suzy before and almost didn’t go but spent the night feeling so connected and part of such a wonderfully special family that we have created here. It was such an important celebration and such a huge success for Suzy and for the whole becario family. Going to university is not an automatic obvious next step here and graduating is even more special. Something that means a lot of hard work, sacrifice and commitment that the becarios show us everyday.  We came home and sat together wishing we never had to go home, this place is special in ways that I cant even describe but can feel in my veins day after day.

Sunday we got up early to go visit Rigo’s house. One of the two becarios that live with us. We were tired and a little resistant to another long day but it turned out to be so special. We met his family, saw his home and drove up to the coffee factory that he worked at some before coming to the capital to study. We were riding in the back of a pick up truck overlooking the beautiful green mountainous landscape that is El Salvador and I was just amazed by this life. A feeling that keeps coming back to me this last couple weeks. How on earth am I in El Salvador with a group of people that has become family, speaking Spanish and seeing the reality of people that are so close to me and have come from lives that in some ways are so different than mine.

We just read Holy the Firm for Praxis, a book by Annie Dillard that at first I whined to Quentin about not understanding but now cant not stop thinking about it. The book is short and sweet and describes three days which she considers Gods. Each day is her journey of understanding this world. First she is young, maybe slightly naïve and just breath taken by the beauty of this world. The second day she starts to question everything, things whatever higher power there is is nothing but a power loving flame that has no interest in the well being of the people and on the third day she starts to see the world a little differently, from a place of a little more balance and wholeness. I think life is a continous back and forth of seeing life through all these views and in this experience it has been so relevant. When I stood on the back of that pick up truck I was in day one, so incredibly taken by this life in all its beauty and the ability of humans to be connected by love despite the layers and layers of differences.

Yesterday was the Vigil for the six jesuits that were killed in 1989. A huge blow to the faith, hope and struggle of this country for justice and equality during the brutal civil war. The people of this country are so greatly effected and deeply pained by this loss it is something that will stay with them for as long as they live, and hopefully will continue to inspire generations behind them who have only heard the stories. We knew it would be a big day but I had no idea how amazing it would be. It started with a soccer tournament that I secretly hoped would end after one lost game so I could spend the day exploring the other fun stuff that was happening. We ended up winning two games and both of our own Casa women’s teams played against each other for the championship. My team lost in the last two minutes but it was a total blast. Jesse and Kylie came in during their layover and it was so incredibly wonderful to see them and show them a little ounce of this world, ths family that I have created here. We went home tired, excited and ready for a nap before we headed back for the night.

It seemed a little scrambled at first but already I was feeling an amazement of being in El Salvador and part of something so important and special. We lit candles and walked in a huge circle around the UCA campus ending by walking over the salt rugs or alfombras that had different groups spent hours working on during the day. There were thousands of people there, from all over the world but all there to celebrate the lives of the martyrs and to hold onto their strength and motivation, to become some part of that and to continue to fight for something better. After the candle light vigil was a mass on a huge stage with thousands of people sitting and standing in the parking lot to listen. The rector of the UCA talked rawly about the reality of this country, violence, poverty, vulnerability and pain. And then about our responsibility to continue to work for equality and peace. To fight for the rights of the poor, to create a civilization of something other than capitalism and to live in love. I stood between Maddie and Diana, women who have been so important in my growth since joining SCCAP last year and was overcome with a  feeling I cant quite describe. It was a day three experience. We were talking freely about the true pain and suffering that exists in this country. Something that we so often avoid at home. As Annie Dillard explains suffering is so much apart of this life and we cannot resist it by constantly needing to understand why. She calls it God, I call it the Universe, and there is a million other names, but there is something bigger out there, something that we will never be able to understand, so all we can do is live in love as one human race continue to work together to better the struggles that are faced world wide. Last night I felt that, a huge group of people together facing the reality of this life but commiting themselves to working for change through love, in whatever words they define that for themselves. “Love is a reason to exist” says the song on my computer right now… that’s what Im learning about here. Love in a way that I had never understood it before. Love that radiates all the way through you and moves you to work for change and with others as one cause as Dillard explains in Holy the Firm, “we are just us” and that is enough to keep on walking together.

The first part of this experience was a lot of day one. Amazement at this country, its joyfulness, welcoming spirit and faith. Excitement of all the new and exciting. Then slowly we started to truly understand the reality and the rain was the icing on the cake. Things didn’t make any sense. My heart beat a million miles an hour at community night as I tried to find words for the despair and confusion that was dictating my being. Frustration, anger and sadness was all I could find in trying to understand why the people I had fallen in love with were suffering so greatly from something that is worldwide…rain. In the meantime I couldn’t understand my own pain and suffering, I couldn’t understand how I would ever stop processing and find peace. I all out felt out of control. The last couple weeks has been a little bit numb trying to figure out how to make that all in to one. And no I don’t have it all figured out but I think it is a matter of coming to Day Three. Of accepting the fact that I will never have it all figured out and will forever be on this journey, that there is suffering and pain but that it is so beautifully contrasted by love and faith. And that if we can continue to truly understanding that suffering, that love and each other we can make a little bit of difference, even if for now its only in my heart. Eventually it will come into something more.

I feel so rooted, comfortable and happy here. This family is amazing and I cannot even wrap my mind around how fortunate I am to be here. I am learning and growing so much. Feeling so much love. And I never want to let go. Lately we cant help but acknowledge the fact that this program is going to end and we are going to have to go home. And that might be the hardest part about this all. But as I told Maddie, its sort of a challenge, you had this amazing experience, but now what are you going to do with it? But it’s a scary scary challenge, this place has permeated my heart and soul and I love it with all that I can understand… and somehow I gotta take it home with me. But we have a month left and every moment is so full and amazing and wonderful. So Im gonna keep holding on, reveling in the amaziness of this experience and letting myself continue to grow and learn. Cause even when I think its stagnant so much is happening inside me.

My mommy will be here soon and Jes and Kylie will be back. Im so excited to show them this life. And I am so incredibly grateful for the time I have here. And to the love I have at home that will always be there to make these transitions possible…

Sorry for the novel.. I try to be more frequent so they aren’t so long. XOXOXO

rain, pain, sun, lightness and everything in between

Hello world... you might have forgotten me because its been so dang long.

Im sitting in a hammock over looking a beautiful lake high on the beauty that is this life and vacation with four out of this world women. We've been exploring, yogaing, reading, pooling, drinkin vino, eatin delicious grub and just soakin up life. We need it.

My heart feels really good, and my head is full of questions.

These last few weeks have almost been a blur. And the feeling of lightness that has returned is so welcome in my heart. Cause it was hurting hard for a few weeks.

The rain came... and it just kept coming. And we were introduced to a strength of emotions we didnt even know existed inside us. A love for Cedro and the people of El Salvador. A frustration and anger towards the inequality of this world. A helplessness. A fear of loss and pain. And just as the rain came it seemed some things inside me were bubbling up. And all I could do was feel it all. And it felt heavy and hard and like I just couldn't shake this funk I was carrying around. I was trying so hard to figure me out and trying to figure out my place in this world. Trying to love better and more and understand it all. And the people around me... they were all doing the same. Feeling the pain of fear and worry and love. Trying to figure out how we should respond, what can we do when this world brings rain and some people suffer greater than others can ever imagine. And how when we are feeling it all down to the core, and tears sit full in our eyes waiting at every moment to spill out, and we are scared and worried and feeling heavy, how do we love the people around us more. It was tense in the houses, the most it has been yet and we were all emotional and stressed and just a little lost. Two community nights in a row during check in we all talked about our funks, I teared up explaining how I am learning how to feel emotions and feeling these so deep and am not quite sure what it all means. And we tried with all our might to love each other and keep laughing and find a balance... and it was hard. But I think sometimes you have to sit through the rain... whether its about being in solidarity or about better understanding yourself or the world. I cannot lie and say it wasn't really really painful. It was... like more than I can put into words... but thats part of being human. And for me.. its a step in learning to feel my emotions. And finding the balance between letting the pain that this world experiences seep in and holding on to hope and love and making change in a positive way.

And the second part... thats what this week has been about.

Maddie showed up Friday night. She was SCCAP Director last year and one of the amazing senior women that became such strong mentors, friends, and homes for me. She couldnt have come at a better time. We laid on her maitress on the floor for hours and we talked about it all. What Im finding in me and seeing out of me. And what it all means. To be delicate with yourself and the world and to not let the pain or confusion or whatever it may be define you. But to see it and feel it and keep rolling with it. And we talked about loving more and how hard it is to be in a group of 25 people you dont actually know that well when things get tough. And about the suffering in this world. And about how she saw it all on her trips to South Africa and India.. and my heart started to feel a little better. And Quentin came home and said "Its so good to have Maddie here, I can see it in Michelle"... she brought some life back to me and reminded me that pain comes with beauty and thats what this life is all about.

Sunday Quentin, Maddie and I went on an amazing adventure to the Volcano in San Salvador. Another day of just what I needed (sorry in advance... thats the theme of this week). I just felt SO at home... a feeling I havent felt in a while. Just easy and loved and able to trust and relax and just be me. Cause no matter how out of the world the people here are.. we really havent known each other that long and we are navigating so much. But with them I just feel at home and we could just laugh so hard as we slid down rocks walking down into the crater, and talk about living this life right and just be the realest of real together. We had the best most ridiculous brunch ever, then made our way partway down the crater of the volcano and it was absolutely insane. I have never been in a volcano before and it was just this HUGE hole in the middle of the mountain. We didnt make it all the way down but the adventure was well worth it and absolutely ridiculous. We finished the night with papusas and pan dulce and a talk about love... and it was just SO good.

Monday I headed off to Cedro.. anxious to get there and almost unable to believe that we were really going. We stopped at Super Selectos to buy some basic food items for the families with the money that so many people at home, especially Summit Rotary so kindly sent my way to help in this scary time of need. When we finally showed up I was reminded of the love and resiliency that is overflowing in this country. We hugged the kids and the moms and asked how everything was. People were shaken but forever continue to walk with the most strength I have ever known. Some walls in houses had fallen, many days of work were missed, crops were ruined and some families went a few days with out food. We went back to our families that we stayed with during praxis weekend and were showered in love. Nina Reina's family told me "Vamos a extranar le cuando regresar a su pais" and invited me to come back whenever I want and told me they wished I could stay all week. It was so comfortable after already being there once and we laughed and snuggled and didnt even need to have meaningful conversations to feel how meaningful it was. The next day Claire and I sat as a mom cried and told us part of her house had fallen, her family had gone without food and they are still unable to find work. Our hearts broke listening but as always the reassure us, telling them that their hijos and dios help them to continue always. To be strong and hopeful.  Then we did an activity with the kids, read a book to them about rainbows and explained how just like rainbows need sun and rain so does the earth. Then they folded a piece of paper in half and drew how they felt and what they did during the rain on one side and how they felt after the rain on the other said. They said they were scared that there houses would fall or the river would overflow, the were cold, hungry and slept a lot cause they really had nothing else to do. Then when the sun came up they talked about being able to come to school, play outside and their parents being able to work. And just like Ive said five kajillion times it was heart breaking and amazing all at the same time. And so special to just ask them how they felt. I dont think they are asked that a lot. The rest of the time was so good and I realized... as someone probably could have told me I would. That in reality I needed Cedro more than they needed me. Yea they are struggling and will have a hard year and whatever ways we can give them help is so important, but their hearts are strong and their optimism reminded me to lift my head. And while I sat in the evangelical church with the fam, my brain going a million miles an hour cause I cant keep up with the singing and chanting.. I wondered what my place is in this world. And how can I even make a difference when there is so much I dont understand. And then the girls leaned over and asked if I wanted one of their bracelets. And reminded me that really.. its just all about love. And that is what El Salvador is teaching me.. to love and receive love like I have never known how before.

I came home Wednesday night to a quiet house with most people gone on vacation and Beth, Claire and I headed up to Suchi to meet Maddie and Margot. And we were welcomed into this quiet little peaceful town. A town that was so incredibly full of suffering during the war but now is quaint and cozy. We are staying in this great little hostel over looking the lake and we are pigging out on life. Just feeding our souls, relaxing and letting ourselves be on vacation. And it is the most wonderful thing in the world. And because the people in this program are absolutely out of this world. Our conversations about our place in all this, about how we will make a difference, about how to love more are constant. And I have a million questions, and the fewest answers I have ever had in my life. But Im into the journey and the learning and feeling and growing.

And this 4 months is flying by, we are more than half way done. And the scary conversation of coming home is seeping into our minds.. and we are scared and worried. Scared of the feeling of falling in love and having to let go, scared of figuring out how best to incorporate in into our lives. And more than anything else just wanting to soak up all the time we have left. So... heres to the rest of my time here, to feeling it all, sitting with the pain and letting the lightness in when its time, to holding on to faith and hope, to loving with everything I have and continuing to learn and grown. Thanks for listening.

Also... there are big things happening in the Maddex family in the states. And I feel far away for not being able to celebrate. Jesse and Kylie got engaged! Congratulations a million times over, I am so excited for you both. I could hear the happiness in their voices when I called to congratulate after I heard over email. I so badly wish I could celebrate with them but am so excited for all the planning, festivities and life that is to come. Congrats, I love you both!

This is a really good life, and somehow in all the scary we have to find that. And share it. And not forget about the people who are struggling more than us. And figure a lot out... but it feels good to have the questions and feel my brain and heart stretching. And to know this is only the beginning.

Happy day... I love you people of my soul! XOXOXO