This morning while I had a few minutes to share breakfast with Margot I said "shoot I have to pack lunch and dinner today, I'm not gonna be home all day". We laughed at this crazy life we live but quietly some stress and anxiety was building within me. I have been acutely aware of how full these days are lately, how at every second there are a million things going on on campus and in my brain, and how many different things we make time to do in college. I dont wanna forget what these days felt like...
My alarm went off at 8 and woke me from a good dream. I pulled myself out of bed, went for a quick run, showered, ate and packed two meals in preperation for a long day.
I power walked to a meeting with my Soc professor where we went over the data analysis plan using SPSS and the part of my brain that somehow gets some of that stuff clicked away. After an hour of wrapping my mind around statistics, analysis and silly coding technology things I ran off to go to my SCCAP office hours.
On my walk, the only time my brain really has to catch up with itself I ran through all the things I needed to do in the next two hours before class.
Plan an immersion trip meeting. Book a table for an event Wednesday. Email interview questions to a professor. Turn in a reimbursement form. Sign up for another event. Send a few emails. Read before class. Eat lunch. Oh and maybe breath a little.
I came to the SCCAP office flustered. My home away from home where I can always find good humans, brains to bounce ideas off of and a little bit of relaxation. We talked about how long these days are. How many different ways we use our brains in the span of one day. How our days go from 8am-10pm with barely any stopping and how normal that has become in this space. Its wild.
I hurried to get everything done and then yet again went rushing to class. Class where we talk about human hope and suffering and listen to projects about Global Poverty and Immigration. Then to Applied Soc where we plan our reports for the organizations we are doing research for.
We got out early and I was so excited to have a little extra time that I filled talking to my soul sista Claire, then off to an event on Education Reform which I left early to hurry to my immersion trip meeting.
WHEWWWW
So much. The thing is I love it all. I really feel like my brain is stimulated. I am learning and growing and capable. Four years here has taught me so freaking much. I can run SPSS analysis and plan an immersion trip and talk about human hope and suffering all with a fair amount of confidence in knowing what Im doing. And even enjoying it.
But my brain is exhausted sometimes. Last night Fr. Jacks homilee was about humans being innately thirsty. For water. But also for knowledge, love, life, newness and sometimes not so good things.. power, money. I think all those things come out in a University setting... some that make me frustrated but others that are so good. There is a thirst for knowledge and invovlement, growth, learning, understanding, closeness to each other and this world on this campus that motivates me, that keeps me going, that allows all the different parts of my brain to keep working even though its exhausting.
And in the communities I have found there is also a thirst to pop this bubble, to go beyond the desire for comfort, wealth and power that we are sometimes brainwashed with. Yesterday we went to a service at Glide Memorial Church in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. Its absolutely beautiful- open, accepting, real, a community of faith, service, love and liberation.
And I was reminded of the fragmenting that happens in our world. The same fragmenting I wrote about in my paper on the extreme racism that exists in our prison system, and that causes gang violence in East LA and leaves people homeless just around the corner. I dont want to live in a fragmented world, I dont want to put walls and barriers up between myself and the reality of suffering and inequality that exists. I dont just want to be comfortable and I dont want to forget that. I want to live with the people who are on the margins. I want to learn from them. I want to go out of my comfort of being white and priveleged, of the easy answer of keeping my distance. I want to be in the thick of it. I want to get to know a community and become a part of it so that way I can really be a part of working for change.
I have a thirst for change. For closeness. For love. For light. For liberation. For equality.
I am able. I am educated. I am privileged. And yet I am naive. I have so much to learn, to see, to listen to.
Lately I am so aware of how little time I have left here. I am aware of the uniqueness of this place, of all that I have learned in my time here, of the little moments, of the learning and of the fullness. I am grateful for all that it has given me. I am grateful for long, exhausting, a million mile hour, all sides of my brain days. I am excited for whats left and also excited to take the thirst that this place has given me and the thirst that sometimes gets ignored in this space into the world beyond it.
I don't want to forget what these days felt like. I don't want to forget the ramblings of my heart that happen in the moments of busy days filled with classes that make me think, meetings and people that open my heart and experiences that push me. I am thirsty and I am grateful for all the ways that thirst is quenched and all the ways I am left to thirst.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Nourishment
Well hello there world. Its been quite sometime. Member the days when I use to blog on the reg... those were the good old days, but so are these. Life just happens fast and I think there has been a shift to just living it, soaking it up, letting it happen inside me rather than feeling like I need to write about it all the time. Which defintiley doesnt mean that writing about it is a bad thing, or is something I should neglect as much as I have. I guess I just am in a space of just being a little more than shouting it to the rooftops. But.. I do have a lot to tell. And at Christmas Kylie told me I need to write another blog so she doesn't have to be dissapointed everytime she comes to my page. And I really do like to write them and come here all the time and think about it or start one or think of a title in my brain.. but you just cant force it.
A lot has been happening in my world. A lot of nourishment.
Rewind to Thanksgiving. I got on a plane to El Salvador with Ella by my side. We were anxious, delerious from too little sleep, so happy to be together and really nervous about what it would be like to go back. It was more than I could have ever expected. Reminded me of that feeling of alive, in touch, whole, loving, best version of my self that I was for four months while I was there. It just came right back.. I cant explain it but that place lights me on fire in the best way I could imagine. It felt like home- familiar and overflowing with people I love in a way that I didnt fully remember. Especially Cedro. I went back planning to stay for one night and decided to stay for two. It felt so comfortable. So different than the first time I slept at Nina Reina's and all I could think about was the spiders on the wall. Those didnt even phase me, this time all I could think about was how much I love it there, how at home I feel, how I want to stay forever and read books over and over again with mis hermanit@s. I got to spend time with people in a way I didnt have the time or freedom to as a student. We got to hang out with the becarios, lay in the grass in the UCA, run the hills and in Cedro I sat with Nina Santos and made her coffee while I listened to her heart, and hurt for her like I always have. I rode back in the pick up with Lupita and got to go see her baby. I called Salvador so many times and got in his car just like I had never left. My heart is completely at home there, alive, aware of the pain and beauty of the world simeteanously and ready to do nothing but love. It was an amazing trip. So fun to be there with Ella, Paco, Abby and Katie so we could reminisce about our semester and process it all together. It was a reminder that I was more equipped to hold onto this time. I came home feeling like I got a jolt of it that wasnt going to drown the way some of it did in the transition home- just live in me, stick with me, remember for me. It was beautiful.
I came home to two weeks of writing more papers than anyone should ever have to. My eyes and fingers hurt from all the time at my computer. And my brain was jello by the end. But I made it through and then went on the 5 day silent retreat. It was wonderful.. nourishing.. the theme of the last month now that I look back on it. It was peaceful and reflective and not intense or jolting in the way the last one was. It was just me looking at the past year in awe of the ways I have grown and healed and become me. I felt like all parts of me were in harmony- something I havent felt for a while. I shared a community in silence, explored questions and stories and people that gave me comfort and hope and a deeper understanding of the world. I thought about the deep brokeness of the world and my desire to serve the world out of the hope that I have learned. I thought about unconditional love and all the ways I have been showered in it. And I just really soaked up the time to be- something we all to often forget to do.
It left me whole, balanced and rested to get on a plane home for two wonderful weeks in my little mountain town with my village of a family. Friends were home that hadnt been in the past, we had time to be together to play and talk and be ridiculous. And there was time to lay on the couch, take hot baths, hang out with my mama and all the people I love who were there. Read books and look at the snow and also run around like a crazy person trying to fit in as many of those people as possible. It was fantastic. The last two trips home have been really good and Im really really grateful for that. This one was definitly nourishing in all the right ways and I think getting on a plane with just a twinge of sadness to leave is about the perfect amount of time... Ill be back- and hopefully next time for at least a little longer.
Christmas Break ended with 5 days in Minnesotta with some of the best women in the world. Lindsey, Claire and I spent our days lounging around chatting about the world and exploring the twin cities. It felt like home to be with them and was exactly the perfect way to finish off break. We celebrated New Years together and joked about the past year being one of moving from darkness to light. But really we werent joking at all. Its been a big year. A lot of change. A lot of hurt. A lot of healing and growth. And a lot of light flooding in slowly after a time of a lot of darkness. But we are starting to understand that is part of this life... and the light always comes. We talked about what we were gonna do next year, reminisced about our Casa time in a way that I dont think will ever end and just really enjoyed each other.
Then I came back with mixed feelings about two more quarters at Santa Clara. It feels too short and too long at the same time. Sometimes I feel like there are bigger and better things out there for me. I get frustrated with some of the surface level BS that exists on this campus (and everywhere) and classes that dont challenge me in the way I want to be challenged. But since I have been back I have been reminded of a Santa Clara that challenges me, nourishes me and has transformed me from a little girl to a blossoming woman with a completely new understanding of the world. I am grateful and present and really aware of all the beautiful things about this place. Its crazy to think how soon it will all be over, makes my heart jump a little. But Im happy to be soaking it up. I also got incredible news over break that I will be spending next year as a Community Coordinator at the Casa in El Salvador and I could not ask for a better way to spend it. I am so incredibly excited and know it is going to be a year of beauty that I cant yet comprehend. It takes a big stress off my shoulders and really gives me the chance to be present to the next (and last) few months in this place. Whoa. Thats wild.
My brain and heart are being nourished by so many things. SCCAP retreat that felt like community and reflection in the best way. Sunday night mass that is community, passion, reflection and becoming better versions of ourselves. A class on Human Hope and Suffering that I adore and has my wheels spinning. Two Soc classes that seem relevant and exciting and challenging. An arrupe where I will get to speak Spanish. Immersion planning. Really good friends. Karina time. Tahoe trips. All sorts of things are happening. Good things that remind me the goodness hasn't run out. And its all along the same lines it has been since freshmen year..Im just flowing, growing and moving with and in it. I like it.
Hope you are feeling nourished. And that the never endingness of this didn't take it all out of ya. Thanks for reading.. means a lot. XOXOX
A lot has been happening in my world. A lot of nourishment.
Rewind to Thanksgiving. I got on a plane to El Salvador with Ella by my side. We were anxious, delerious from too little sleep, so happy to be together and really nervous about what it would be like to go back. It was more than I could have ever expected. Reminded me of that feeling of alive, in touch, whole, loving, best version of my self that I was for four months while I was there. It just came right back.. I cant explain it but that place lights me on fire in the best way I could imagine. It felt like home- familiar and overflowing with people I love in a way that I didnt fully remember. Especially Cedro. I went back planning to stay for one night and decided to stay for two. It felt so comfortable. So different than the first time I slept at Nina Reina's and all I could think about was the spiders on the wall. Those didnt even phase me, this time all I could think about was how much I love it there, how at home I feel, how I want to stay forever and read books over and over again with mis hermanit@s. I got to spend time with people in a way I didnt have the time or freedom to as a student. We got to hang out with the becarios, lay in the grass in the UCA, run the hills and in Cedro I sat with Nina Santos and made her coffee while I listened to her heart, and hurt for her like I always have. I rode back in the pick up with Lupita and got to go see her baby. I called Salvador so many times and got in his car just like I had never left. My heart is completely at home there, alive, aware of the pain and beauty of the world simeteanously and ready to do nothing but love. It was an amazing trip. So fun to be there with Ella, Paco, Abby and Katie so we could reminisce about our semester and process it all together. It was a reminder that I was more equipped to hold onto this time. I came home feeling like I got a jolt of it that wasnt going to drown the way some of it did in the transition home- just live in me, stick with me, remember for me. It was beautiful.
I came home to two weeks of writing more papers than anyone should ever have to. My eyes and fingers hurt from all the time at my computer. And my brain was jello by the end. But I made it through and then went on the 5 day silent retreat. It was wonderful.. nourishing.. the theme of the last month now that I look back on it. It was peaceful and reflective and not intense or jolting in the way the last one was. It was just me looking at the past year in awe of the ways I have grown and healed and become me. I felt like all parts of me were in harmony- something I havent felt for a while. I shared a community in silence, explored questions and stories and people that gave me comfort and hope and a deeper understanding of the world. I thought about the deep brokeness of the world and my desire to serve the world out of the hope that I have learned. I thought about unconditional love and all the ways I have been showered in it. And I just really soaked up the time to be- something we all to often forget to do.
It left me whole, balanced and rested to get on a plane home for two wonderful weeks in my little mountain town with my village of a family. Friends were home that hadnt been in the past, we had time to be together to play and talk and be ridiculous. And there was time to lay on the couch, take hot baths, hang out with my mama and all the people I love who were there. Read books and look at the snow and also run around like a crazy person trying to fit in as many of those people as possible. It was fantastic. The last two trips home have been really good and Im really really grateful for that. This one was definitly nourishing in all the right ways and I think getting on a plane with just a twinge of sadness to leave is about the perfect amount of time... Ill be back- and hopefully next time for at least a little longer.
Christmas Break ended with 5 days in Minnesotta with some of the best women in the world. Lindsey, Claire and I spent our days lounging around chatting about the world and exploring the twin cities. It felt like home to be with them and was exactly the perfect way to finish off break. We celebrated New Years together and joked about the past year being one of moving from darkness to light. But really we werent joking at all. Its been a big year. A lot of change. A lot of hurt. A lot of healing and growth. And a lot of light flooding in slowly after a time of a lot of darkness. But we are starting to understand that is part of this life... and the light always comes. We talked about what we were gonna do next year, reminisced about our Casa time in a way that I dont think will ever end and just really enjoyed each other.
Then I came back with mixed feelings about two more quarters at Santa Clara. It feels too short and too long at the same time. Sometimes I feel like there are bigger and better things out there for me. I get frustrated with some of the surface level BS that exists on this campus (and everywhere) and classes that dont challenge me in the way I want to be challenged. But since I have been back I have been reminded of a Santa Clara that challenges me, nourishes me and has transformed me from a little girl to a blossoming woman with a completely new understanding of the world. I am grateful and present and really aware of all the beautiful things about this place. Its crazy to think how soon it will all be over, makes my heart jump a little. But Im happy to be soaking it up. I also got incredible news over break that I will be spending next year as a Community Coordinator at the Casa in El Salvador and I could not ask for a better way to spend it. I am so incredibly excited and know it is going to be a year of beauty that I cant yet comprehend. It takes a big stress off my shoulders and really gives me the chance to be present to the next (and last) few months in this place. Whoa. Thats wild.
My brain and heart are being nourished by so many things. SCCAP retreat that felt like community and reflection in the best way. Sunday night mass that is community, passion, reflection and becoming better versions of ourselves. A class on Human Hope and Suffering that I adore and has my wheels spinning. Two Soc classes that seem relevant and exciting and challenging. An arrupe where I will get to speak Spanish. Immersion planning. Really good friends. Karina time. Tahoe trips. All sorts of things are happening. Good things that remind me the goodness hasn't run out. And its all along the same lines it has been since freshmen year..Im just flowing, growing and moving with and in it. I like it.
Hope you are feeling nourished. And that the never endingness of this didn't take it all out of ya. Thanks for reading.. means a lot. XOXOX
Thursday, November 1, 2012
"I cant believe tomorrow's another Friday"
November 1st?!?!? Where did you come from? I said to Margot on our bike ride to school this morning "I cant believe tomorrow is another Friday?!?!" and we proceeded to talk about how this year has already flown by and the likelihood that it will only continue to speed up more and more. Its wild. So much has happened that I always think about coming here to write about... but somehow the free minutes in my life just seem to slip away.
But today is a rainy, scarf, tea and lay in bed kinda day. And those days somehow leave me thoughtful and wanting to curl up and write posts about my life. So... here I am, long over due, with quite the list of things to update on... bear with me.
2 weeks ago on Saturday I stood in a line of 11 bridesmaids watching my brothers face as he said I do to my new sister in law. I cried listening to Kylie's letter to Jesse celebrating all the wonderful things in him. I loved being on her side so I could see his expression and get a little glimpse into how he felt. It was absolutely beautiful. The sun literally came out the second Kylie walked out of the room where we all got ready "thats my dad" she said. We walked along the golf cart path with a trumpet and saxaphone leading us to the reception cheering and waving our wands. I looked back at the long line of people following them in this beautiful place with the sun shining and everybody celebrating and forgot about how much my feet hurt... it was freaking amazing. I waited nervously til the time finally came to do my speech and I couldnt have asked for it to go better. About 30 seconds in I had to add a "sorry Jes I cant look at you or Ill cry, but I would if I could" I held it together and felt really wonderful about getting to tell my brother how much I love him and how happy I was to welcome Kylie into our family in front of all those people. As soon as I got to him the tears came pooring out but it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Then I cried more watching him and my mom dance. They are my the foundation of my being and have been through so so so much. Watching them up there dancing, chatting, smiling was just incredible. Finally we got the emotions out of the way and spent the rest of the night dancing our butts off to the amazing 8 person band. I havent had that much fun in a long time and I have never ever seen my brother that happy. It was perfect. And crazy. And I left feeling so grateful for my big quirky family and hopeful that someday I will fall in love and marry someone who makes me that happy too (ha... sometimes Im not sure)
October was a month of a lot of "a year ago this time..." October was a big month at the Casa. Campo week, the rain, silent retreat, Dean Brackley passed away and then vacation. It was a time of so so much pain. But also an incredible amount of growth. Such a formative month that really had a huge affect on how it all ended. We became a family, we saw suffering through a new lense, we mourned the loss of someone who started the Casa and we came together at the end of it stronger than ever. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane back there. I cant wrap my mind around it but I am also quite blow away at the person I am today compared to at the beginning of October a year ago. I have learned and grown so much. I am excited to get back to the place that really started all of this. To feel some of that pain but more than anything the love and the joy. We are studying El Salvador in my Poli Sci class right now and read something on Sobrino today. He said "the opposite of joy is not suffering it is sadness, the people can and are joyful although they are suffering" Mami Santo's big smile flashed through my mind and I am so excited to hug her, to feel what it feels like to be there now and to celebrate that beautiful time.
The days and weeks flying by has also left me thinking a lot about the future. A lot a lot. A few weeks ago I met with someone who did Jesuit Volunteer Corps International. A two year program that I have been thinking about on and off. I left and nearly had an anxiety attack because I just realized that it is a really good option and one that I think is pretty right for me, and that freaks me out. The anxiety that came with thinking about the future motivated me to get my butt in to gear... researching and thinking and just exploring my heart to see what is right for next year. There are a lot of options... and I just have to tell myself what I keep telling other people.. there is something out there for me that is a really good fit and I am more than capable to find it and fall in love with it. Right now I am thinking of applying to JVI, a few teacher corp programs, a year long service program in Minnesotta and to be a CC at the Casa. I am finally to the point where a lot of options sound good and I really trust that I will end up where I am supposed to bed. I wish I could say that took away the stress completely... but it doesnt and I have some serious application work to be doing.. crazy that its time to figure that out!
Life is busy and full but its not a crazy that leads me into a flurry of anxiety any more. It feels like home and routine and it is full of things that I really really enjoy. Last weekend was my first free weekend since school started. On Friday I sat in the sunshine for two hours alone doing absolutely nothing and I could feel the life seeping back into me. It was magical and I would recommend it to anyone who is over committed, tired and cranky. Its like getting a full night sleep but better! Ive been feeling incredibly grateful for my education and the spaces I have to talk about important things... rural farmers vs the world bank, jails and the injustices in them, homelessness, fixing vs serving. I am inspired everyday. By the people around me, the course material, the two year old who never fails to make me smile and I just dont think I could ask for anything more. I am getting so much out of this amazing place this last year here and I guess its better that it is flying by cause I am taking full advantage of all the opportunities than crawling by cause Im doing nothing. This post doesnt quite to justice for my life or my heart but its a start... happy November, I hope it feels like fall where you are and you can cozy up with a blanket and tea and relax a little! xoxoxo
But today is a rainy, scarf, tea and lay in bed kinda day. And those days somehow leave me thoughtful and wanting to curl up and write posts about my life. So... here I am, long over due, with quite the list of things to update on... bear with me.
2 weeks ago on Saturday I stood in a line of 11 bridesmaids watching my brothers face as he said I do to my new sister in law. I cried listening to Kylie's letter to Jesse celebrating all the wonderful things in him. I loved being on her side so I could see his expression and get a little glimpse into how he felt. It was absolutely beautiful. The sun literally came out the second Kylie walked out of the room where we all got ready "thats my dad" she said. We walked along the golf cart path with a trumpet and saxaphone leading us to the reception cheering and waving our wands. I looked back at the long line of people following them in this beautiful place with the sun shining and everybody celebrating and forgot about how much my feet hurt... it was freaking amazing. I waited nervously til the time finally came to do my speech and I couldnt have asked for it to go better. About 30 seconds in I had to add a "sorry Jes I cant look at you or Ill cry, but I would if I could" I held it together and felt really wonderful about getting to tell my brother how much I love him and how happy I was to welcome Kylie into our family in front of all those people. As soon as I got to him the tears came pooring out but it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Then I cried more watching him and my mom dance. They are my the foundation of my being and have been through so so so much. Watching them up there dancing, chatting, smiling was just incredible. Finally we got the emotions out of the way and spent the rest of the night dancing our butts off to the amazing 8 person band. I havent had that much fun in a long time and I have never ever seen my brother that happy. It was perfect. And crazy. And I left feeling so grateful for my big quirky family and hopeful that someday I will fall in love and marry someone who makes me that happy too (ha... sometimes Im not sure)
October was a month of a lot of "a year ago this time..." October was a big month at the Casa. Campo week, the rain, silent retreat, Dean Brackley passed away and then vacation. It was a time of so so much pain. But also an incredible amount of growth. Such a formative month that really had a huge affect on how it all ended. We became a family, we saw suffering through a new lense, we mourned the loss of someone who started the Casa and we came together at the end of it stronger than ever. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane back there. I cant wrap my mind around it but I am also quite blow away at the person I am today compared to at the beginning of October a year ago. I have learned and grown so much. I am excited to get back to the place that really started all of this. To feel some of that pain but more than anything the love and the joy. We are studying El Salvador in my Poli Sci class right now and read something on Sobrino today. He said "the opposite of joy is not suffering it is sadness, the people can and are joyful although they are suffering" Mami Santo's big smile flashed through my mind and I am so excited to hug her, to feel what it feels like to be there now and to celebrate that beautiful time.
The days and weeks flying by has also left me thinking a lot about the future. A lot a lot. A few weeks ago I met with someone who did Jesuit Volunteer Corps International. A two year program that I have been thinking about on and off. I left and nearly had an anxiety attack because I just realized that it is a really good option and one that I think is pretty right for me, and that freaks me out. The anxiety that came with thinking about the future motivated me to get my butt in to gear... researching and thinking and just exploring my heart to see what is right for next year. There are a lot of options... and I just have to tell myself what I keep telling other people.. there is something out there for me that is a really good fit and I am more than capable to find it and fall in love with it. Right now I am thinking of applying to JVI, a few teacher corp programs, a year long service program in Minnesotta and to be a CC at the Casa. I am finally to the point where a lot of options sound good and I really trust that I will end up where I am supposed to bed. I wish I could say that took away the stress completely... but it doesnt and I have some serious application work to be doing.. crazy that its time to figure that out!
Life is busy and full but its not a crazy that leads me into a flurry of anxiety any more. It feels like home and routine and it is full of things that I really really enjoy. Last weekend was my first free weekend since school started. On Friday I sat in the sunshine for two hours alone doing absolutely nothing and I could feel the life seeping back into me. It was magical and I would recommend it to anyone who is over committed, tired and cranky. Its like getting a full night sleep but better! Ive been feeling incredibly grateful for my education and the spaces I have to talk about important things... rural farmers vs the world bank, jails and the injustices in them, homelessness, fixing vs serving. I am inspired everyday. By the people around me, the course material, the two year old who never fails to make me smile and I just dont think I could ask for anything more. I am getting so much out of this amazing place this last year here and I guess its better that it is flying by cause I am taking full advantage of all the opportunities than crawling by cause Im doing nothing. This post doesnt quite to justice for my life or my heart but its a start... happy November, I hope it feels like fall where you are and you can cozy up with a blanket and tea and relax a little! xoxoxo
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Update: Life is so good and Senior year has begunnnn!
You know what I should be doing right now... homework. HOMEWORK?!? Ahhh scary. Its funny how for the past month and a half of summer I have sat down numerous times to write a blog post and it just wouldn't come. But when I have homework to do it seems that writing a blog post is the best and easiest decision i could possibly make.
A few things. I had an amazing summer, I thought about (and started three blog posts that never finished about it) as the summer of love again and again. I am overwhelmed by how much goodness flowed from the minute I stepped onto U.S. soil, even and especially in the midst of some change and ouchies and just plain old life. I got to spend seriously quality time with so many people I love and just really was present to every single moment of goodness, friendship, family and people that I love to smithereens. I dont have enough words for it, I am beyond blessed with a lot a lot of love in my life and the last month of summer filled me to the brim with it. Paraguay was a lot of things.. beautiful, challenging, inspiring, discouraging and sometimes really boring but it was also a good time for me to learn to love myself again. And then I came home and was reminded of how huge of a community of support I have and how much life and love they give me. 5 days in Seattle with my best friend after 6 big months of growth of total soul food, 5 days in Milwaukee full to the brim of Casa love, so much laughter, talking about the pains and beauty of this world and our place in it all, 10 days at home where I completely 100% fell back in love with Colorado.. the people, the sights, the home feeling and all the wonderful memories I have there, loved on some littles who totally have my heart, vegged on my couch and had some quality mama time and spent a wonderful silly weekend with my best friends and finally 4 days in Michigan reading by the lake that has been an oasis since I was just a little girl with blonde pig tails getting yelled out for not washing the sand off my feet before coming in. It was too good to be true and really left me ready as could be to come back to this amazing year. I am so so grateful for every single moment and all of the people who just shower me in love and goodness... I will never be able to say thank you enough times, and really what more could I ask for in life.
I have been so excited for this year since the slow process of settling into this house began when I came home from Paraguay... excited to have a whole year in one place, excited for the renewed feeling of being strong and sure in myself, connected, motivated and just inspired to be here in a way I couldn't be when I got back in January and so many other things. I have just felt so ready for it.
And as soon as I got on that plane in Michigan the year was in full force with everyone finally home moving in at once, SCCAP cars to be washed, office to be cleaned and retreat to be planned and BAM less than 24 hours later we were on our way. It was so good. SO SO good. SCCAP brought me out of my weird freshmen year shell into Casa, International Development and so many people and things I love about this place and it just couldn't feel more right to be back at it again, on a little bit different side doing a little more giving because now I can give... but I also am getting so much. Our staff is amazing, inspiring, hillarious, committed and ready to make SCCAP whatever it needs to be to bring goodness to the Santa Clara community and to connect students with populations that break open our hearts, to fall in love and to support each other, to bring their volunteers on board and to have a whole lot of fun. So good. Also... lap tag is the most hillarious game ever.. look it up.
I came home to some serious settling needing to be done and with the help of my lovely Mama and some stay up all night instead of sleeping motivation my room finally feels like home. And senior year has officially started. It feels good... really good. Having both Hayley and Margot in this house is the best thing I could ever ask for and Margot turned what used to be a nasty shed into a cozy little home that is great for snuggling and exactly what she needs. As we walked home from a barbeque together Sunday night we talked about how much things have changed, how right it feels to be here and how good this year is going to be. Last year was a rollercoaster and coming out of it strong and excited for more is so great. Its a big contrast but that really sucky feeling 6 months ago is a constant reminder to not take all this goodness for granted and now its a new, real, deep, honest goodness- not just a wide eyed and bushy tailed, everything is wonderful lets not talk about anything that might not be, kinda goodness. Im all in and I am STOKED.
This new friend I have called anxiety got the best of me on Tuesday night after a conversation about GSB that had me thinking about my research effecting grad school and jobs, what Im gonna do with my life, what the best way to make social change is and if I'm even cut out to be thinking about these things followed by a Capstone class that is also too stressful and a quite busy schedule. That snuggle shed and a soul sister who just knows me was there to remind me that I gotta slow down sometimes and I had a few good conversations about how important it is to take care of ourselves. I am part of this large group of people who want to go, go and go to give to this world and sometimes get so overwhelmed we crash and burn.. and I am now advocating for the "we cant give to anyone else if we cant give to ourselves" morale and responded to Tuesdays overwhlemed with a slow, take some time for me Wednesday morning. Ebb and flow baby. I feel balanced again and am inspired by the things that are keeping me busy and slowly feel like I am finding ways to make my schedule manageable and will be in a routine next week. YAY!
Im right where Im supposed to be. I have so much goodness to be involved with and I am beyond excited for this year. I have this feeling it might be the best one yet.. like Im not just saying that, Im so much stronger on my feet, know where I want my heart to be committed and thus feel so excited to give my whole heart to those things. I have a community of people I love to smithereens... some to just laugh and be silly with and some that will have the conversations my heart loves to have. Some that I just met and others that feel like they have known me my whole life. Im stoked about my classes and have faith that my life will come together just as its supposed to and step by step I will find my way into what to do with this life. So... on the days that I feel overwhelmed with the big picture I will remind myself of the little things and on days when I get lost in the logistics, emails and too much to dos, I will remind myself of the big picture. Life is good.. like really freaking good.
Now Im gonna go love on my little Karina... bliss <3 br="br">
A few things. I had an amazing summer, I thought about (and started three blog posts that never finished about it) as the summer of love again and again. I am overwhelmed by how much goodness flowed from the minute I stepped onto U.S. soil, even and especially in the midst of some change and ouchies and just plain old life. I got to spend seriously quality time with so many people I love and just really was present to every single moment of goodness, friendship, family and people that I love to smithereens. I dont have enough words for it, I am beyond blessed with a lot a lot of love in my life and the last month of summer filled me to the brim with it. Paraguay was a lot of things.. beautiful, challenging, inspiring, discouraging and sometimes really boring but it was also a good time for me to learn to love myself again. And then I came home and was reminded of how huge of a community of support I have and how much life and love they give me. 5 days in Seattle with my best friend after 6 big months of growth of total soul food, 5 days in Milwaukee full to the brim of Casa love, so much laughter, talking about the pains and beauty of this world and our place in it all, 10 days at home where I completely 100% fell back in love with Colorado.. the people, the sights, the home feeling and all the wonderful memories I have there, loved on some littles who totally have my heart, vegged on my couch and had some quality mama time and spent a wonderful silly weekend with my best friends and finally 4 days in Michigan reading by the lake that has been an oasis since I was just a little girl with blonde pig tails getting yelled out for not washing the sand off my feet before coming in. It was too good to be true and really left me ready as could be to come back to this amazing year. I am so so grateful for every single moment and all of the people who just shower me in love and goodness... I will never be able to say thank you enough times, and really what more could I ask for in life.
I have been so excited for this year since the slow process of settling into this house began when I came home from Paraguay... excited to have a whole year in one place, excited for the renewed feeling of being strong and sure in myself, connected, motivated and just inspired to be here in a way I couldn't be when I got back in January and so many other things. I have just felt so ready for it.
And as soon as I got on that plane in Michigan the year was in full force with everyone finally home moving in at once, SCCAP cars to be washed, office to be cleaned and retreat to be planned and BAM less than 24 hours later we were on our way. It was so good. SO SO good. SCCAP brought me out of my weird freshmen year shell into Casa, International Development and so many people and things I love about this place and it just couldn't feel more right to be back at it again, on a little bit different side doing a little more giving because now I can give... but I also am getting so much. Our staff is amazing, inspiring, hillarious, committed and ready to make SCCAP whatever it needs to be to bring goodness to the Santa Clara community and to connect students with populations that break open our hearts, to fall in love and to support each other, to bring their volunteers on board and to have a whole lot of fun. So good. Also... lap tag is the most hillarious game ever.. look it up.
I came home to some serious settling needing to be done and with the help of my lovely Mama and some stay up all night instead of sleeping motivation my room finally feels like home. And senior year has officially started. It feels good... really good. Having both Hayley and Margot in this house is the best thing I could ever ask for and Margot turned what used to be a nasty shed into a cozy little home that is great for snuggling and exactly what she needs. As we walked home from a barbeque together Sunday night we talked about how much things have changed, how right it feels to be here and how good this year is going to be. Last year was a rollercoaster and coming out of it strong and excited for more is so great. Its a big contrast but that really sucky feeling 6 months ago is a constant reminder to not take all this goodness for granted and now its a new, real, deep, honest goodness- not just a wide eyed and bushy tailed, everything is wonderful lets not talk about anything that might not be, kinda goodness. Im all in and I am STOKED.
This new friend I have called anxiety got the best of me on Tuesday night after a conversation about GSB that had me thinking about my research effecting grad school and jobs, what Im gonna do with my life, what the best way to make social change is and if I'm even cut out to be thinking about these things followed by a Capstone class that is also too stressful and a quite busy schedule. That snuggle shed and a soul sister who just knows me was there to remind me that I gotta slow down sometimes and I had a few good conversations about how important it is to take care of ourselves. I am part of this large group of people who want to go, go and go to give to this world and sometimes get so overwhelmed we crash and burn.. and I am now advocating for the "we cant give to anyone else if we cant give to ourselves" morale and responded to Tuesdays overwhlemed with a slow, take some time for me Wednesday morning. Ebb and flow baby. I feel balanced again and am inspired by the things that are keeping me busy and slowly feel like I am finding ways to make my schedule manageable and will be in a routine next week. YAY!
Im right where Im supposed to be. I have so much goodness to be involved with and I am beyond excited for this year. I have this feeling it might be the best one yet.. like Im not just saying that, Im so much stronger on my feet, know where I want my heart to be committed and thus feel so excited to give my whole heart to those things. I have a community of people I love to smithereens... some to just laugh and be silly with and some that will have the conversations my heart loves to have. Some that I just met and others that feel like they have known me my whole life. Im stoked about my classes and have faith that my life will come together just as its supposed to and step by step I will find my way into what to do with this life. So... on the days that I feel overwhelmed with the big picture I will remind myself of the little things and on days when I get lost in the logistics, emails and too much to dos, I will remind myself of the big picture. Life is good.. like really freaking good.
Now Im gonna go love on my little Karina... bliss <3 br="br">
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Be Here Now
Those words jog all sorts of emotions and memories. Song lyrics, Juans voice during meditations, words above Margots bed and reminder upon reminder. Whoa
This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.
Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.
So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.
As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops. I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.
Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.
Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.
I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.
This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.
Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.
So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.
As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops. I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.
Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.
Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.
I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Gratitude
I keep coming back here to write a post about the end and the transition back. And for some reason the words just aren't coming.
I cant belive a week ago I was spending my last day in Oviedo. The end was perfect. Somehow it seems like the end is always perfect. We spent three days at the girls school in the jungle in Embaracayu. Our mornings were spent in the campo with the girls and our afternoons relaxing and enjoying the scenery. It was so so wonderful. Wonderful to really get to interact with the girls- we worked in the garden with them, chatted while we de-kerneled corn, laughed so hard canoing and swimming in the river, played soccer and learned some new dance moves from them. They were wonderful and part of me wished I could have spent my whole summer there. Being with them was just so much more natural and inspiring to me than sitting in the office, but I also know that being in the office and working with the microfinance was a new challenge that I so needed. I ran along the silent dirt roads and found little colonies of butterflies, danced to my music cause there was no one for miles, soaked in the stars and laid in the hammock and read. It was wonderful.
Then I came back to Oviedo and had three perfect last days with my family. I felt so so comfortable with them by the end and we all shed some tears when we had to say goodbye. We had a race doing laundry, made two more batches of coffee cakes (they loved those things) and had a special last dinner. I went to the pelequiera with the girls and we just really enjoyed our time together. I went for one last run and as I stopped to take in the beauty of the wide open spaces tears fell from my eyes, tears like the ones that fell the first weekend there but this time out of gratitude and love for this family and country instead of loneliness and fear. It felt like home after 5 short weeks and although I was excited to get back here, it was hard to say goodbye. I couldn't have asked for a better last week... and as soon as I sit still and think about the funny little life I created there I miss it a whole lot. I still have some processing to do, my time in Paraguay was something so different than I expected it to be. The internship was not what I had hoped for but the growth that happened trying to make sense of it all is something I am incredibly grateful for and that family who loved me like their own was the biggest gift of all.
I came back to a lot of love and life. To a new house. Hot weather. Some things changing and some just how I left them. Our new house is wonderful, spacious and full of light. And summertime here is a fun thing to be a part of. Everyone keeps asking how the transition has been, and honestly part of me feels like I never left. This time was so so different than my time in El Salvador and the reverse culture shock just hasn't really hit me. I keep wondering if its going to sneak up on me out of no where or if I really am gonna get by without it. Its been interesting to find my place back here again. The last year at Santa Clara was such a bizarre year and so very challenging. I'm excited to have the whole year here to really settle in. I feel like I only had three months here last year because the first three back were spent just trying to keep my head above water. I know my soul better than I did when I left for Paraguay and when I feel any sort of funk from things changing and being out of a familiar routine I think back to those first couple nights in Paraguay when I really had to learn to comfort myself. I know what my soul needs. I know that getting up and going for a run and soaking up the rose gardens, swimming, journaling, calling the people I love really help me to feel like all is right in the world. And I am so thankful that I have slowly gotten to know those parts of myself and that even when things don't feel quite right, or quite like home I have some tricks up my sleeve to feed my spirit. Maybe thats why the transition is easier.
I have the most amazing friends in the world and am so thankful to come home to Hayley in my room for pillow talk about everything under the sun from relationships to friends to life after college to work in developing countries. And Cara to lay in bed with and feel all my emotions. I am going to see Margot in two days and I could not be more excited. It has been so long since we have been together and some big changes have happened in our hearts since then. I get home in two weeks and then go to Michigan with my daddio for four days. My life is really good. I am surrounded by so many people that I love and just have so much to look forward to. I cant believe I was in Paraguay for 6 weeks and am back already. Life just keeps moving with all the ebb and flow and up and down. 6 weeks ago Keith told me my sea legs were well developed... and today I feel like that is the most true its ever been. In the midst of all the waves I feel grounded in me and I am just so grateful for that. More processing to come about my time in that funny little office. But for now.. I am just relishing in the gratitude. <3 br="br">
I cant belive a week ago I was spending my last day in Oviedo. The end was perfect. Somehow it seems like the end is always perfect. We spent three days at the girls school in the jungle in Embaracayu. Our mornings were spent in the campo with the girls and our afternoons relaxing and enjoying the scenery. It was so so wonderful. Wonderful to really get to interact with the girls- we worked in the garden with them, chatted while we de-kerneled corn, laughed so hard canoing and swimming in the river, played soccer and learned some new dance moves from them. They were wonderful and part of me wished I could have spent my whole summer there. Being with them was just so much more natural and inspiring to me than sitting in the office, but I also know that being in the office and working with the microfinance was a new challenge that I so needed. I ran along the silent dirt roads and found little colonies of butterflies, danced to my music cause there was no one for miles, soaked in the stars and laid in the hammock and read. It was wonderful.
Then I came back to Oviedo and had three perfect last days with my family. I felt so so comfortable with them by the end and we all shed some tears when we had to say goodbye. We had a race doing laundry, made two more batches of coffee cakes (they loved those things) and had a special last dinner. I went to the pelequiera with the girls and we just really enjoyed our time together. I went for one last run and as I stopped to take in the beauty of the wide open spaces tears fell from my eyes, tears like the ones that fell the first weekend there but this time out of gratitude and love for this family and country instead of loneliness and fear. It felt like home after 5 short weeks and although I was excited to get back here, it was hard to say goodbye. I couldn't have asked for a better last week... and as soon as I sit still and think about the funny little life I created there I miss it a whole lot. I still have some processing to do, my time in Paraguay was something so different than I expected it to be. The internship was not what I had hoped for but the growth that happened trying to make sense of it all is something I am incredibly grateful for and that family who loved me like their own was the biggest gift of all.
I came back to a lot of love and life. To a new house. Hot weather. Some things changing and some just how I left them. Our new house is wonderful, spacious and full of light. And summertime here is a fun thing to be a part of. Everyone keeps asking how the transition has been, and honestly part of me feels like I never left. This time was so so different than my time in El Salvador and the reverse culture shock just hasn't really hit me. I keep wondering if its going to sneak up on me out of no where or if I really am gonna get by without it. Its been interesting to find my place back here again. The last year at Santa Clara was such a bizarre year and so very challenging. I'm excited to have the whole year here to really settle in. I feel like I only had three months here last year because the first three back were spent just trying to keep my head above water. I know my soul better than I did when I left for Paraguay and when I feel any sort of funk from things changing and being out of a familiar routine I think back to those first couple nights in Paraguay when I really had to learn to comfort myself. I know what my soul needs. I know that getting up and going for a run and soaking up the rose gardens, swimming, journaling, calling the people I love really help me to feel like all is right in the world. And I am so thankful that I have slowly gotten to know those parts of myself and that even when things don't feel quite right, or quite like home I have some tricks up my sleeve to feed my spirit. Maybe thats why the transition is easier.
I have the most amazing friends in the world and am so thankful to come home to Hayley in my room for pillow talk about everything under the sun from relationships to friends to life after college to work in developing countries. And Cara to lay in bed with and feel all my emotions. I am going to see Margot in two days and I could not be more excited. It has been so long since we have been together and some big changes have happened in our hearts since then. I get home in two weeks and then go to Michigan with my daddio for four days. My life is really good. I am surrounded by so many people that I love and just have so much to look forward to. I cant believe I was in Paraguay for 6 weeks and am back already. Life just keeps moving with all the ebb and flow and up and down. 6 weeks ago Keith told me my sea legs were well developed... and today I feel like that is the most true its ever been. In the midst of all the waves I feel grounded in me and I am just so grateful for that. More processing to come about my time in that funny little office. But for now.. I am just relishing in the gratitude. <3 br="br">
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Alive
"You are so alive" said Clarita "How did you know?" I asked while my brain caught up thinking "oh thats what this feeling is...this feeling of soaking up every ounce of beauty, wanting to call everyone I love and tell them just how much they mean to me, feeling connected to humanity and just excited for this life" Clarita would know... she watched me come alive.. and saw me the most alive Id ever been in Cedro. She's seen me at my highest and lowest and she just knows... so thanks for the words mujer.
This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.
Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel. The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us.
I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.
I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there... sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.
Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.
I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">
This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.
Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel. The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us.
I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.
I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there... sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.
Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.
I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">
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