Love Wins

Last weekend swimming in the river near one of the Salvadorans house with her, a student and her two younger cousins I once again couldn’t believe that this is my job. Obviously I’m not making the big bucks but it is a job- and it is the best one ever. I should probably just retire after this.. cause having this as my first real(ish) job out of college is gonna make finding one near as good after pretty hard.

The Romero program is the other arm of the Casa that provides housing, meals and spiritual formation to Salvadoran students. Going to University is nearly impossible for the majority of the country and those who get scholarships often live far away and have to travel 3 hours each way every day if they want to go to school. Kev and Tre realized it would be mutually beneficial if we could create a program for these students and give the American students access to Salvadoran peers. They are in the program for five years and their third year they live in the houses with the American students. Usually there are two per house but since we only have one house this semester we have SIX becarios living with us… and it’s amazing. The students have had the chance to get really close with them already and they bring a lot of life, experience, wisdom and diversity to our community. Every semester we spend a weekend at their houses so we can better understand the reality they come from and get to know them on a more intimate level.

Last weekend Michelle (one of the students) and I went to Lucy’s house and had the most amazing weekend. We were welcomed into their home with open arms, so much laughter and joy and a really beautiful willingness to share their story with us.  Lucy’s younger brother is in a wheel chair and after asking a few questions Lucy’s mom shared the story of finding out that he was born with a spinal disease (if I heard it in English I’d probably know what it is…but things still get lost in translation). The first three days the doctors didn’t tell her what was wrong and she barely saw him, and when they finally told her they said he would likely only live for three years. He is 17 today and when Lucy had something to do he happily came and chatted with us- he is SO joyful, intelligent, hilarious and affectionate. 

The next day when the whole staff was visiting Tere (the mom) told a little bit of the story and explained that Ronald is the greatest gift God has given her, and as the older brother rubbed his hands through his hair and his sister held his hand it was so clear how true that is for their family. Ronald has brought the family together and they have not let suffering have the last word. It is not very common to see an intact, functional, incredibly loving family in this country and being with them this weekend was so healing for me and gave me a lot of hope. Later Lucy’s dad shared his story- his parents leaving when he was 5- sleeping on some generous man’s floor for 12 years, hiding from both sides of the war so he wasn’t recruited and then falling in love with Lucy’s mom. He has worked so hard to be where they are today and again and again talked about the importance of his faith and spiritual education for his family- a beautiful family that had me in tears laughing telling jokes at the dinner table. I never want to sugar coat the suffering that exists in this country- or for Lucy’s family in specific. They have had to fight- so hard. They have to work, and have cried and hurt as they watched their son go through surgeries, get held back from school and be stuck in the house because the community is not fit for a wheel chair. But there is something more that continues to give me hope in the power of the human experience, of community, of love. For Lucy’s family, our students, so many I have encountered in this country and our own alike- if we let it, love wins.

The love that they have for each other manifests so clearly and I spent most the weekend with a huge smile on my face. We swam in the river, laughed til we cried at dinner, listen to Lucy sing while her older brother Nelson played the guitar and searched for a song we could sing together. The next day the Casa staff, their families and MY family came to visit for the day. Joan, Ettienne and Mekenna were here for a long weekend and it worked out really well for them to come see Lucy’s house with the rest of the staff. Joaney was amazed at how many people showed up- all voluntary- to see one of the students houses. Our staff is really special and we spent the morning preparing lunch and finding enough chairs for the 45 people that came. We heard more of their story, sang and played dinamicas, ate lunch and then went to the nearby waterfalls where we decided to swim in our clothes. Something about water makes me feel like a kid again- totally free and playful, a feeling that was so fun to share with Lucy and her family, some of the staff members and my brave aunt who swam in the waterfalls with me in her skirt J. We drank fresh squeezed orange juice, picked mangos off the tree to eat and were reminded of the simplicity of the life of so many in this country. I was amazed at their closeness to the land and their food and dreamed of ways to bring that home with me, trying to imagine if I could ever live in the campo of El Salvador. I don’t know if I could- but I absolutely love it and am taking notes of ways I will bring this home with me this time. We said goodbye Monday morning reluctantly- wanting to stay longer and at a loss for words to express our deep gratitude for letting us into their lives, sharing so generously with us- their home and food but even more special- their love and story. It was beautiful- and again I cannot believe that part of my job is to spend the weekend at a friend’s house getting to know her family, that’s what the world should be about.

This week is praxis week and the students are at their praxis sites for the whole week. Which means we get a little bit of down time. We went to the beach on Sunday and the last few days have been normal days for me. Staff meeting and check in and then two days of praxis. On Tuesday’s I am in San Ramon working with Annita who is the most bad ass amazing woman I have ever met. I lead a group for teenage girls, do an English class and then lead a group for women. It’s absolutely amazing and my favorite days are spent in San Ramon. It’s a beautiful mix of feeling like I am doing something genuine to who I am, my skills, my passion while also receiving so much and being close to the vulnerable, painful and beautiful Salvadoran reality. Plus being with Annita is so inspiring, she is the definition of “Casa Abierta”. She is the coordinator of a Christian Base Community and throughout the day people come in and out looking for a listening ear and the amazing, empowering support that she provides them. Wednesday’s I’m back at Cedro- my site when I was a student. I teach computer to the kiddos in the morning but mostly am just there to be with the family I created two years ago and fill the gap of not having students. It’s pretty special. And my life is pretty amazing. This semester is different but I love the chance to have more time with the Salvadoran’s, more time in the community and sometime to think about what’s next. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing essays for Grad School apps- and am so aware of how amazingly this place has formed me- and scared out of my mind to leave it.

“Its days like these that I never want to leave”

            Two days ago on the bus home from visiting the cooks, who are much more than cooks- moms, aunts, counselors, friends, laundry teachers, nurses and so much more I turned and said this to Ella. And as I look back on the last three days I could say that about every single one. I am most alive when I am with the Salvadorans… I feel so connected to gratitude, to why I am here, to this amazing gift of hearing people’s stories, being welcomed into their homes and sharing in life with these people who have become family and friends.

            Saturday we visited 3 of the 5 cooks homes. In each we were offered a seat, something (or many things) to eat and the story of these women who we share in everyday life with. We heard stories of loss from involvement with drug addiction, loss during the war, and loss of family who has left to the states. These women let us into their hearts sharing about the most difficult parts of their lives, letting go of friends, spouses and children- but still they keep opening up to us and letting us become friends and children for them. They radiate joy and love, in such an amazing way and show their love in the food that they cook for us everyday, the hugs and “Buenos dias” they greet me with every morning and the way they just know when someone is not doing well. They, like so many in this country and ours alike, have experienced great suffering, but have found great love, hope and faith. And have continued to give themselves to this world that continues to disappoint- and in that they have found life. Their stories are so sacred and it reminds me that so is each of ours, every single person that we encounter- so many of which we never hear. I am so grateful for the ways the Salvadorans have taught me the importance of our stories, of sharing them and finding that connection that we find in our common human experience of love and pain and the parts of us that are really all the same. I felt so at home, so present and just endlessly grateful. These women have opened up their homes for countless groups of students, just as the praxis sites and so many others- and they never seem to struggle to reinvest, to judge, or have an ending supply of patience and love. I am learning from the Salvadorans that this is what it is about- continuing to open myself, to give love and to reinvest in this world and let go of what I cant control- knowing that there is grace involved that makes beautiful, miraculous, unexpected things happen.

            Sunday Ted, Ella and I took the bust to visit William, our famous, chatty, hilarious vigilante for the afternoon. We have been meaning to visit all year and this semester are trying to be more proactive about these things- knowing that when the semester ends we wont have another to do all the things we forgot to do. And we were in for a treat. We walked into his home which is famous for the way he has used recycled materials to continue building and making it more and more homey. It has a beautiful porch overlooking the rolling green hills and the house is decorated with things he has found on the street and refurbished into something beautiful. You feel like you are a world away from the tight, sometimes uncomfortable homes that his neighbors just a few doors down live in. His family is amazing- open, close, hilarious and the most comfortable to be around. We had never been there before and felt like we were visiting old friends for the millionth time. All we did was hang out, sit around and chat and it felt completely normal- and just so wonderful. When I walked in his older daughter who is in her first year at the UCA was working on her statistics homework using SPSS, the same program I learned in my Sociology classes. She was stuck on a question and I helped her through it- amazed that of all places, I was using the SPSS skills I learned in a small town in El Salvador. And so grateful to share in this part of our education together, so grateful that she like so few has the opportunity to learn the same skills that I learned at Santa Clara, and that we had the chance to share in trying to understand that. We ate lunch and spent the whole time laughing and chatting, relaxed on the couches and heard the story of how William and Tita met. Its amazing that this place can feel like home- in so many ways, but it really does. And on the way home watching the clouds lit on fire by the orange sunset I thought to myself once again “its days like these I never want to leave”

            Last night I couldn’t sleep- the late afternoon cafecita does me no good, neither does my mind running trying to understand the many transitions these last months have given me. I knew today was going to be a long, full day- staff meetings all morning, then lunch, more meetings, secret amigo gift exchange and two people’s birthdays to celebrate. Mondays are our staff days and every single time I am reminded how unique and special this work environment is. We started our morning with a check in- honestly sharing how we are doing both with work things and personally. After 4 months of doing this it feels so comfortable and there is less and less that I hold back. Then after lunch and more meetings we commenced the birthday tradition of affirming the cumpleanero’s, each staff member taking a turn to thank the birthday girl/boy for the goodness they bring into our life. Ted,Ella and I sometimes stress out about these affirmations cause they are in Spanish. My heart beat speeds up as I try to think of what I want to say in Spanish and get more and more nervous for the moment when I will surely trip over my words and struggle to say everything I really mean. But then the affirmations start and I listen to the ways this team is a family, the love that exists, the way we really see each other and watch the faces of those who are being affirmed tear up, laugh, and listen closely to the others as they speak. And I just cannot believe how lucky I am to call this my job. Three hours later Trena reminds us how important this space is to what we do as a program, it is not a wasted afternoon but one that gives us the strength, basis of love and communication and gratitude we need to continue giving ourselves to each other and the program- and the fact that Kevin and Trena so deeply believe that is why this program does what it does.

            I dont how I got so lucky to spend this year here. And its not always easy. I miss home and friends. I struggle to understand how to accompany the students, to let go but also be there for them in the right balance. I get sick of the catcalls walking up the street, struggle with the machismo and miss spinach salads and greek yogurt. But… the Salvadorans remind me again and again why I am here. Why I came back and give me a glimpse into how this place continues to open and form my heart and seep into my blood. So grateful to visited the people I work with in their homes, to hear their stories, to feel like old friends with them, and tell them how amazing I think they are on their birthdays. I hope someday I can create a work environment like this for people in the states and I hope I can remember how much this stuff matters.

Home Away From Home for the 23rd Year

The first week and a half of the semester is orientation and we visit each of the praxis sites so students have a context when they are sharing stories and supporting each other through the semester. This semesters visits were really special for some reason and I cannot believe how at home I felt in each of the communities.

First we went to San Ramon- a Christian Base Community that was started after members of the community were pushed away by the hierarchy in the Catholic church which was exemplified by a priest that was more concerned with control and rules than compassion, relationship and supporting the Salvadoran people. The three coordinators of the praxis site were some of the first to move away from the church and worked together to create a space where the people could come together, celebrate their faith and feel welcome and at home- rather than judged. Their mission is to live out their faith, to truly walk with the people and they have a strong presence in some of the poorest communities in the country. In one of the communities we met Nina Auralia again- she is 85 years old and one of the strongest, most outspoken, hilarious, stubborn, amazing Salvadoran women I have ever met. She is everything the country tells women not to be- and for that I love her so much more. She told us about how she had her babies alone, she didn’t want anyone to see her face, she talked about raising her kids who have all gone off to live their own lives now and how her husband left a couple years ago and is waiting to dance with her in heaven. No explanation can do her justice but as I thought of her and everything she is I realized that San Ramon is a place that sets in front of me things as they should be rather than how society says they should be- and specifically the things that I tend to struggle with in the world- the church, gender roles, etc.

 Last semester I spent one day a week there leading a group of young girls, learning from Annita and just soaking up these inspiring people. Somehow they manifest so many things I struggle with- exactly how they should be. The way they live out their faith, walk with the people, welcome everyone, uplift women in their faith community and change the hierarchy is the living opposite of everything I struggle with in the church. The way Annita and Nina Aurelia are- strong, outspoken, loud, stubborn, defiant, brave-  everything this country tells women not to be in a way that makes me cringe. Hector- one of the coordinators is the most gentle, loving, caring men I have ever met- again all the things that often men do not appear to be in this country. I’m not sure exactly how to articulate it but I found comfort in realizing that San Ramon and the people there show me that things can be different, can be how they should be and we can be creators of hope like Annita teaches us.

Wednesday we went to Mariona where we made candles, did a meditation, gave each other messages and heard the painful stories of the Guardado family that has motivated them to committing their lives to finding peace and healing through art, meditation and massage. It felt like a retreat and again I felt so at home, so comfortable, so incredibly grateful for the way I get to spend this year. Lastly, Friday we went to the Quintanillas- they are a family of 13 who lived through some of the most gruesome parts of the war and now live out their experience in the way they love, their political involvement and the way they raise their kids. Their life is an amazing combination of older, campo style living and modern, city living. Rosa- the mom told us the story of loosing her 6 month old when a bomb exploded and landed in her heart as she was carrying her fleeing from the war. Then she told us how she lost her 5 year old when she went down a different path- towards the soldiers rather than away from them. As she told these stories I struggled to even begin to imagine the suffering of these people but felt overwhelmed with gratitude for their willingness to share that pain with us, to trust us to listen and hold something so deeply heart breaking. Then we danced, they played us music and we played games- as always engaging in this beautiful ability to hold both painful and joyful that exists in this country. And in each of these visits I felt overcome by gratitude, comfort, and a feeling of being at home and “with my gente” as Ted says. Being here makes the gears in my head turn way faster and lets my heart feel with the world in an entirely different way. I feel so alive, so close to what’s real and what matters and a burning desire to do something meaningful with my life, to follow the example of these people and keep them with me always- no matter where I am.

During our staff check in Monday morning I expressed feeling confused by how incredibly happy and at home I am here- because at the same time I am missing home. I feel far away from friends, last semester’s students, my family and my sweet new baby Coop. Sometimes I just look at pictures of him and cry- wishing I was closer and sometimes I spend too much time at the internet wanting to connect to that world. My month at home was an amazing reminder of the support I have there, the amazing friends who I can completely relax and be myself with, be silly and weird and have a blast and also talk about what matters in the world. And sometimes here I am aware of a lack of peers. Living abroad comes with that confusing tension- of missing home, and feeling like this is home, and feeling like my heart exists in multiple places- which makes it hard for it to be fully present in any one place.

On Tuesday I turned 23. I was showered in love and surprises- surrounded by this family and sent so much love from my family a few countries away. It was absolutely wonderful- and I also felt far away. I teared up when I talked to my mom on the phone- even though I haven’t spent a birthday with her in 5 years. And then laid in the hammock with Ella and talked about how we are still in transition to being back here. This place is home in so many ways- but we are still finding our way with our new students, getting to know them, understanding the dynamics and figuring out how to be CC’s in a new context. And I think I was craving the easy, close, completely at home feeling we had at the end of last semester and I have with so many people at home. But then I sat in the garden with Ted and Ella- my rocks here, the most constant and present home and support I have and just the best people in the world. And I skyped with Kylie, Jesse and Cooper and I felt better. We finished the evening with our first spirituality night where students share about their faith journeys and it felt really right to be ringing in the new year that way. That is what I love about this job, that is how we go from strangers to family, how we build community and home- by sharing where we are coming from, listening to each other and really holding each others experience.

Ted asked me how I was feeling about 23 the other day.. and part of me felt frustrated that I don’t feel completely whole and strong and sure about everything in my life, which I think is some silly thing the U.S. tells us is how we should be. I feel a little pulled between two places, fearful and stressed about the future and missing support and relationships that have changed and shifted in the past few weeks. But I think that is actually a really good way for me to go into this year. I am seeing this year as an invitation- to let support in, to be patient, to have faith and trust the way things work. I am on a forever journey of getting to know myself and logically I can tell you all of my strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, challenges, etc- but my heart cant fully live out what I know I need in this life- and I think going into this year a little shaky is an invitation for me to let my heart find its way, to be patient to letting my heart and head come together. I’m not particularly good at letting people support me- and I think this year is an invitation to let people in, to find support internally and externally and not fill voids in unhealthy ways. Its an invitation to dive deeper into my faith, exploring my vocation, understanding how this country will stay with me as I move forward in my life, trusting myself, the people around me and the grace of so much that is beyond my control.

So as I feel simultaneously completely at home and far away from home I will settle into that- knowing that it is just right. Knowing that there is something more out there helping me find my way in this life- and that I am in exactly the right place to continue getting to know my self and my place in this world.

Long lost blogger back at it... more stories of El Salvador breaking open my heart.

While I was home someone asked me if I was doing any blogging- I responded with an array of excuses while I was reminded how much I really love writing and miss this space. Many times last semester I thought of getting back into the habit- but there is something about leaving and coming back that is intimidating.  For the past week and a half that I have been back in the country I have found myself yearning to share what is happening here again and again- so instead of continuing to think about it, Ill give it a shot. No promises that I will have time to make it regular- but the movements of my heart are worth documenting and the ways this country, these people and this program impact all who encounter them deserve to be spread…

My month off was spent seeing so many friends, being reminded of the life I don’t live and the ways I feel distant from home and feeling incredible grateful for the people in my life. I was in many different places physically and emotionally but left feeling like there were homes for me to come back to in May, souls that understood me, people I want to be able to give more of my time and my heart to and opportunities that are intriguing. A few people asked me if I would stay for longer than a year while I was home and I said no- almost unsure why. While I was there I felt distant from here, disconnected from what this place means to me- in the same way I often feel disconnected from there when I am here. I don’t like that- but I think it’s good that I know it, and it is something I want to continue exploring.

But for now- my heart is at home. Minutes after I landed in this country I was reminded what this place is to me. And in the past week and a half I have felt endlessly grateful for my time here, the family I have found and how much it has become home. Something amazing happens in this country and I know it is a combination of so many good things. Amazing Salvadoran people who are faithful, loving and vulnerable beyond belief + inspiring, committed leaders who understand this kind of education + students who are willing to accept the invitation + special spaces= something incredibly beautiful. And I have the privilege of calling all that my job my first year out of college- I don’t know how I landed here but I feel blessed beyond belief.

This semester Ted, Ella and I will all be living together in Romero with six amazing women. The program is exceptionally small this semester and when we first found this out a few months ago we struggled to reimagine what it would like to be CC’s in that context. But wow…. In the last three days it has become clear that we are in for something really special.  The closeness that is inevitable in a small group is already manifesting into a sense of safety, trust, care and joy. Living with Ted and Ella is an invitation to really learn to be a team player- to step back sometimes, to trust each other, to celebrate each other’s strengths, to be honest with one another and to be a part of the community in a new way.  There is so much unknown ahead of us and I am so excited to be apart of it unfolding.

My dear students last semester taught me so much and I will be such a better CC because of it. As I begin with these new students I know that each of them is a universe…of beauty, struggle, experience, wisdom, joy and so much to teach me. My students last semester taught me that, showed me the depths of their hearts in a way I could have never imagined the first days, they let me in, they helped me grow and held my heart in such a special way.  They proved to me that this amazing program and country really transform people- and that the grace that happens here is so far beyond my control.  Beginning with that knowledge is helping me to let go, to be genuinely me and to trust in the slow work, the process of unfolding that happens with such beauty.

Today we had our first day of praxis visits. We went to Zacamil and Tepecoyo- rural villages where strong, faithful women run the place (welcome to El Salvador). Deysi retold the story of her son’s accident when he decided to leave school so he could work for the family and provide them with something to eat. Just a few weeks after he began working he fell while cutting down a tree, landed on his head and was paralyzed from the waist down. I hate how short and simple that sounds because when it is told with details from him and his mother your whole heart feels it with them and breaks into so many pieces trying to understand what a horrible combination of things would lead to such suffering. Yet as you listen you always come to understand the faith that the people of this country rely on so deeply. Out of a necessity for something to keep them going, but also out of a true belief that their God is taking care of them, providing for them, loving them- even in the midst of the deepest suffering.

Hearing this story again and that the poverty in Tepecoyo is the worst it has been for years, that children are not eating, that mothers are breaking under the stress of not being able to provide for their children- I feel the same confused I have felt since I first met these women as a student two and a half years ago. Why? How? What the hell do we do? We tell the students that our main goal is to accompany- and I still argue with the part of my brain that wants to fix. The injustice is so much bigger, so much deeper and so much more complicated than what I can understand or what I can fix. And sometimes that is so overwhelming to understand.

This semester my time here really feels more finite and in that I feel myself yearning to understand how to carry this with me in an authentic, meaningful way. I see how easy it is to forget about this reality, to feel distant from Deysi and Yovani on the comforts of my warm couch in the states. And that is terrifying. These women- Deysi spending the whole day caring for her son, and Angelica- sacrificing everything to feed the children of her small canton- should go down in history as incredible heroines. Their names should be next to Gandhi, MLK, Rosa Parks and so many more. But instead they are in our hearts. And I guess we must learn to follow their example. Do the small, daily things that we can to bring goodness, life, joy, love, healing and nourishment to the people around us and trust that it will spread to our world. It is true for Deysi and Angelica- their example expires countless students who then carry them with them forever.

In the midst of accompanying a new group of students, wondering and stressing about what I will do next I think the most important thing is to be as present as I can possibly be to this place and what happens when we let break our hearts. I hope in the next four months I cant let this country seep into my blood until it can never leave again.

Graduation, Becoming, Grattitude

Ghost Michelle here...

Im graduating in three days. My family arrives tomorrow. My days have been filled with friends and joy and adventures and love. I am equal parts happy and sad, both high levels. Its a huge change, a lot to process and as my friend said "When you are happy somewhere you don't want to leave". Spot on. This place is gonna be hard to leave. I absolutely have zero time to blog. But I owe you people some updates.

So... I did a talk a couple weeks back at this thing called The Challenge where students share about their faith journeys. I spoke on Becoming. I have found faith in the last four years. And I have kept it to myself and a few others for the majority of the time. But as I leave here and try to take it forward I think its something I can share with the world. My talk was posted on our Campus Ministry website.

Check it out here if you're interested http://ht.ly/ltCQt.

Thanks for reading, listening, loving, supporting and cheering me on. I couldn't have made it where I am today without all of you and I am endlessly grateful. XOXOXO

A Day in the Life of a Thirsty College Student

This morning while I had a few minutes to share breakfast with Margot I said "shoot I have to pack lunch and dinner today, I'm not gonna be home all day". We laughed at this crazy life we live but quietly some stress and anxiety was building within me. I have been acutely aware of how full these days are lately, how at every second there are a million things going on on campus and in my brain, and how many different things we make time to do in college. I dont wanna forget what these days felt like...

My alarm went off at 8 and woke me from a good dream. I pulled myself out of bed, went for a quick run, showered, ate and packed two meals in preperation for a long day.

I power walked to a meeting with my Soc professor where we went over the data analysis plan using SPSS and the part of my brain that somehow gets some of that stuff clicked away. After an hour of wrapping my mind around statistics, analysis and silly coding technology things I ran off to go to my SCCAP office hours.

On my walk, the only time my brain really has to catch up with itself I ran through all the things I needed to do in the next two hours before class.
Plan an immersion trip meeting. Book a table for an event Wednesday. Email interview questions to a professor. Turn in a reimbursement form. Sign up for another event. Send a few emails. Read before class. Eat lunch. Oh and maybe breath a little.

I came to the SCCAP office flustered. My home away from home where I can always find good humans, brains to bounce ideas off of and a little bit of relaxation. We talked about how long these days are. How many different ways we use our brains in the span of one day. How our days go from 8am-10pm with barely any stopping and how normal that has become in this space. Its wild.

I hurried to get everything done and then yet again went rushing to class. Class where we talk about human hope and suffering and listen to projects about Global Poverty and Immigration. Then to Applied Soc where we plan our reports for the organizations we are doing research for.

We got out early and I was so excited to have a little extra time that I filled talking to my soul sista Claire, then off to an event on Education Reform which I left early to hurry to my immersion trip meeting.

WHEWWWW

So much. The thing is I love it all. I really feel like my brain is stimulated. I am learning and growing and capable. Four years here has taught me so freaking much. I can run SPSS analysis and plan an immersion trip and talk about human hope and suffering all with a fair amount of confidence in knowing what Im doing. And even enjoying it.

But my brain is exhausted sometimes. Last night Fr. Jacks homilee was about humans being innately thirsty. For water. But also for knowledge, love, life, newness and sometimes not so good things.. power, money. I think all those things come out in a University setting... some that make me frustrated but others that are so good. There is a thirst for knowledge and invovlement, growth, learning, understanding, closeness to each other and this world on this campus that motivates me, that keeps me going, that allows all the different parts of my brain to keep working even though its exhausting.

And in the communities I have found there is also a thirst to pop this bubble, to go beyond the desire for comfort, wealth and power that we are sometimes brainwashed with. Yesterday we went to a service at Glide Memorial Church in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. Its absolutely beautiful- open, accepting, real, a community of faith, service, love and liberation.

And I was reminded of the fragmenting that happens in our world. The same fragmenting I wrote about in my paper on the extreme racism that exists in our prison system, and that causes gang violence in East LA and leaves people homeless just around the corner. I dont want to live in a fragmented world, I dont want to put walls and barriers up between myself and the reality of suffering and inequality that exists. I dont just want to be comfortable and I dont want to forget that. I want to live with the people who are on the margins. I want to learn from them. I want to go out of my comfort of being white and priveleged, of the easy answer of keeping my distance. I want to be in the thick of it. I want to get to know a community and become a part of it so that way I can really be a part of working for change.

I have a thirst for change. For closeness. For love. For light. For liberation. For equality.

I am able. I am educated. I am privileged. And yet I am naive. I have so much to learn, to see, to listen to.

Lately I am so aware of how little time I have left here. I am aware of the uniqueness of this place, of all that I have learned in my time here, of the little moments, of the learning and of the fullness. I am grateful for all that it has given me. I am grateful for long, exhausting, a million mile hour, all sides of my brain days. I am excited for whats left and also excited to take the thirst that this place has given me and the thirst that sometimes gets ignored in this space into the world beyond it.

I don't want to forget what these days felt like. I don't want to forget the ramblings of my heart that happen in the moments of busy days filled with classes that make me think, meetings and people that open my heart and experiences that push me. I am thirsty and I am grateful for all the ways that thirst is quenched and all the ways I am left to thirst.

Nourishment

Well hello there world. Its been quite sometime. Member the days when I use to blog on the reg... those were the good old days, but so are these. Life just happens fast and I think there has been a shift to just living it, soaking it up, letting it happen inside me rather than feeling like I need to write about it all the time. Which defintiley doesnt mean that writing about it is a bad thing, or is something I should neglect as much as I have. I guess I just am in a space of just being a little more than shouting it to the rooftops. But.. I do have a lot to tell. And at Christmas Kylie told me I need to write another blog so she doesn't have to be dissapointed everytime she comes to my page. And I really do like to write them and come here all the time and think about it or start one or think of a title in my brain.. but you just cant force it.

A lot has been happening in my world. A lot of nourishment.

Rewind to Thanksgiving. I got on a plane to El Salvador with Ella by my side. We were anxious, delerious from too little sleep, so happy to be together and really nervous about what it would be like to go back. It was more than I could have ever expected. Reminded me of that feeling of alive, in touch, whole, loving, best version of my self that I was for four months while I was there. It just came right back.. I cant explain it but that place lights me on fire in the best way I could imagine. It felt like home- familiar and overflowing with people I love in a way that I didnt fully remember. Especially Cedro. I went back planning to stay for one night and decided to stay for two. It felt so comfortable. So different than the first time I slept at Nina Reina's and all I could think about was the spiders on the wall. Those didnt even phase me, this time all I could think about was how much I love it there, how at home I feel, how I want to stay forever and read books over and over again with mis hermanit@s. I got to spend time with people in a way I didnt have the time or freedom to as a student. We got to hang out with the becarios, lay in the grass in the UCA, run the hills and in Cedro I sat with Nina Santos and made her coffee while I listened to her heart, and hurt for her like I always have. I rode back in the pick up with Lupita and got to go see her baby. I called Salvador so many times and got in his car just like I had never left. My heart is completely at home there, alive, aware of the pain and beauty of the world simeteanously and ready to do nothing but love. It was an amazing trip. So fun to be there with Ella, Paco, Abby and Katie so we could reminisce about our semester and process it all together. It was a reminder that I was more equipped to hold onto this time. I came home feeling like I got a jolt of it that wasnt going to drown the way some of it did in the transition home- just live in me, stick with me, remember for me. It was beautiful.

I came home to two weeks of writing more papers than anyone should ever have to. My eyes and fingers hurt from all the time at my computer. And my brain was jello by the end. But I made it through and then went on the 5 day silent retreat. It was wonderful.. nourishing.. the theme of the last month now that I look back on it. It was peaceful and reflective and not intense or jolting in the way the last one was. It was just me looking at the past year in awe of the ways I have grown and healed and become me. I felt like all parts of me were in harmony- something I havent felt for a while. I shared a community in silence, explored questions and stories and people that gave me comfort and hope and a deeper understanding of the world. I thought about the deep brokeness of the world and my desire to serve the world out of the hope that I have learned. I thought about unconditional love and all the ways I have been showered in it. And I just really soaked up the time to be- something we all to often forget to do.

It left me whole, balanced and rested to get on a plane home for two wonderful weeks in my little mountain town with my village of a family. Friends were home that hadnt been in the past, we had time to be together to play and talk and be ridiculous. And there was time to lay on the couch, take hot baths, hang out with my mama and all the people I love who were there. Read books and look at the snow and also run around like a crazy person trying to fit in as many of those people as possible. It was fantastic. The last two trips home have been really good and Im really really grateful for that. This one was definitly nourishing in all the right ways and I think getting on a plane with just a twinge of sadness to leave is about the perfect amount of time... Ill be back- and hopefully next time for at least a little longer.

Christmas Break ended with 5 days in Minnesotta with some of the best women in the world. Lindsey, Claire and I spent our days lounging around chatting about the world and exploring the twin cities. It felt like home to be with them and was exactly the perfect way to finish off break. We celebrated New Years together and joked about the past year being one of moving from darkness to light. But really we werent joking at all. Its been a big year. A lot of change. A lot of hurt. A lot of healing and growth. And a lot of light flooding in slowly after a time of a lot of darkness. But we are starting to understand that is part of this life... and the light always comes. We talked about what we were gonna do next year, reminisced about our Casa time in a way that I dont think will ever end and just really enjoyed each other.

Then I came back with mixed feelings about two more quarters at Santa Clara. It feels too short and too long at the same time. Sometimes I feel like there are bigger and better things out there for me. I get frustrated with some of the surface level BS that exists on this campus (and everywhere) and classes that dont challenge me in the way I want to be challenged. But since I have been back I have been reminded of a Santa Clara that challenges me, nourishes me and has transformed me from a little girl to a blossoming woman with a completely new understanding of the world. I am grateful and present and really aware of all the beautiful things about this place. Its crazy to think how soon it will all be over, makes my heart jump a little. But Im happy to be soaking it up. I also got incredible news over break that I will be spending next year as a Community Coordinator at the Casa in El Salvador and I could not ask for a better way to spend it. I am so incredibly excited and know it is going to be a year of beauty that I cant yet comprehend. It takes a big stress off my shoulders and really gives me the chance to be present to the next (and last) few months in this place. Whoa. Thats wild.

My brain and heart are being nourished by so many things. SCCAP retreat that felt like community and reflection in the best way. Sunday night mass that is community, passion, reflection and becoming better versions of ourselves. A class on Human Hope and Suffering that I adore and has my wheels spinning. Two Soc classes that seem relevant and exciting and challenging. An arrupe where I will get to speak Spanish. Immersion planning. Really good friends. Karina time. Tahoe trips. All sorts of things are happening. Good things that remind me the goodness hasn't run out. And its all along the same lines it has been since freshmen year..Im just flowing, growing and moving with and in it. I like it.

Hope you are feeling nourished. And that the never endingness of this didn't take it all out of ya. Thanks for reading.. means a lot. XOXOX