August 14th- time, emotions...life

     What if everything in life was defined by dates and times, your emotions, your relationships...everything.  Today is one week and one day since my world changed, a month minus one day before I fly out to school, a month and four days before I get to school, A little over two weeks since Young RYLA ended...hmm.  I feel like in some way shape or form people try to make dates define things, like...its been a year why do you still care, or a month will fly by...I dont know.  I just feel like I'm thinking about time.  The five or so months I spent happily with someone who changed my world, and the two weeks in which that all changed.  The last 18 years, or 5 years that I've been with these people who are now family, the ones who start to leave now and go off onto their own new adventures in 6 days.  I dunno...time is weird, it heals, it changes, its life...and its mind boggling right now.

  

   It's a funny time...people leaving, me staying, life changing, learning, growing, every day but right now I just feel stuck, or in a holding pattern.  I'm not leaving yet, my head is not in transition mode but its time to say good bye to some people, some I'll see before I leave, others I'll keep in touch with, and some I may never speak to again, there are already people who I have lost touch with, people who made a difference by simply making me smile and showing me they cared.  It's weird, I wanna go if they are going, I dont wanna be left behind. Maybe thats it, the last two years I'm the one who stayed while Dave, Will, Zachy, Ese, Chelsey, Katie they all left and I sat back and watched, maybe it's a similar feeling, but I am so happy that i get to go too.  I have one month, it will come so soon, and I am sooo excited. But despite all the exciting its a little scary.

   I'm not sure I've actually faced the reality that I will be hundreds and thousands of miles away from so many people, almost everyone.  I'm scared to leave Zachy and Ese and Liv and Chels and Dave and Katie and Steph and Catie and soooo many people.  I know that some people, the ones who are closest will last through everything, but there are some I am scared wont last.  Sigh..weird, weirder then most things I've felt.

    And there are so many people who have left footprints on my heart, there are so many people that matter more then I could ever put into words, that I am so lucky to have met and shared a piece of my life with.  These footprints, they will never go away, they will go with me for the rest of my life.  Like Andy said "I may not remember the people or the places but I will always remember the feeling they gave me"...I will and I will hold onto each and every one of you forever and for always through the feelings, because despite what people think defines them, their world, to me its emotions.  They guide me through every minute, and make ups and downs, and make me human...and ya know, thats kinda a big deal to be human ;).

    Tonight I'm missing the past, sometimes I get in a place where I dont want things to change, I want to hold on so tight to the good feelings, the ones that make me the crazy me I am, the ones that are the sunshine in the temperamental weather of life.  I miss you, I miss that feeling, I miss where we used to be, I miss the parts of life that seemed perfect and flawless even when everything else wasnt, I miss the feelings.  And sometimes I just wanna do what I've done and lay in bed and bawl my eyes out, cause sometimes feeling it makes me feel more real, more alive and lets me get past it.  But sometimes I need to come back to life, and grab on to the feelings that I know are coming, the feelings that are somewhere deep down every moment, whether they are taking the stage or being hidden by other feelings that hurt, I know there is sooooo much good to come. And I cannot wait, I'm so ready to grab onto another stage, grab onto something that is gonna stretch my world, my mind, my heart, and give me new feelings, good and even bad. Cause how else do I know that I'm alive.