loads and loads of thoughts :)

hellooo... i have a lot of thoughts, or i did yesterday but of course when i have them i dont have time or energy to write, then when i do im less thoughtful..


we went to the yurt saturday- monday. it was fantastic, as always.  its just an amazing unique wonderful thing. its absolutely beautiful and its with the people i went to day care with.  we sled and play in the snow and cook together and eat together and its a complete blast. your practically on top of the world and the starts are amazing and the views of the snow covered mountains and blue sky are sooo beautiful.  chels and i take forever to hike up and thoroughly enjoy each others company and pick up right where we left off. its great. it was a lot of ese and shell time which was fantastic :). i love that, i love that i live in a place where you can do that and where i am still best friends with the people i went to day care with and get to go sledding with the people i learned to sled with and relive so many memories together. its great :)


i came down from the yurt and went straight to denver where a bunch of the ryla fam met at cinzettis to all see/congratulate scotty. it was fantastic and sooo much love and happiness then a bunch of us went to mikaila's which was equally wonderful. i love them so much seriously they are my life life. and everytime after i leave i feel the post ryla blues.  but its sooo worth it. bah i cant even put it into words its just absolutely wonderful and i am sooooo freaking unbelieveably lucky to be a part of that and have a family of the most amazing people in the world :)


driving home after left my thoughts going crazy.  between the yurt/ryla get together and then talking about new years plans with liv and realizing im going home? back to school in 4 days I started thinking about all my different worlds. And how Im at a place in my life where i can totally pick and choose who I want to spend my time with and kinda filter out people, that sounds horrible but it really just means I get to find the people who really matter. and im freaking lucky to say there are a lot of them. and i absolutely love that. i love that being home i have been able to see bunches of different people and spend time with different people and keep learning from them and just living with them. its fantastic. i just feel like i've got to experience a lot and meet a lot of great people and i love living with them in my life day after day and enjoying so many things with them... and i also know there are lots more to come :)


so..im going back to the clara in 4 days. its crazy that ive almost been home for 3 weeks. in some ways i feel like ive been here forever and in lots of ways it feels like it totally flew by.  this is the longest time ive had without any responsibility (school/job) in sooo long and I freaking loved it. I got to spend sooo much time with the amazing people in my world and just do me things, i love that.  I have soaked up every minute of this beautiful little mountain town with the freshest air and bluest skies and prettiest starts and i freaking love that too. i have really enjoyed home sooo much and its a little sad to leave. ill miss my best friends, my mom, the snow, the mountains, the fresh air, going skiing, bundling up, the fireplace, my bed, the mountain culture, my doggies, no homework, fresh cooked food, my bed, my car...which allows me to go and live and explore, this town sooo much just the feel of the mountains and the beauty of it all and again most of all the people. its weird coming and going and kinda figuring out whats home and wondering when ill be back and learning how to make it all fit. but i still love every minute of it.
while there are things ill miss and it will be hard to leave im sooo excited to be back in that other world that i love so dearly. i cant freaking waitttt to be back with my roomie, i miss waking up to her and just having our little mixed life, keely, hayley, lauren, alex, stephen, mark, ryan, everyone on floor two, BERKELY and soo many other people, im excited for the palm trees, the california lifestyle, new classes and more learning and growing, more adventures, getting all dressed up and having such fun weekends, the library, the gym, some sunshine, that life and alll that it has to offer oh and drum roll please.... SCOTTY being an hour away..wooo hoo, i love that. :)
i say this over and over and over, but i freaking love that i have two worlds, two homes, and so many more that i just love and enjoy and am excited for on both ends, im really lucky


so since im going back again i have some thoughts...goals for 2nd quarter of freshmen year
straight a's again :)
more community service, especially with the kiddos
fitness classes
meet more people in my classes and wherever else
explore a little more, be outside, go places, see things
GET A JOB
study hard
keep in touch with people who matter...skype and phone calls :)
sends lots of letters 
eat healthy and a million times less snacks
manage my time
but still enjoy it
sit down with father engh and the provost to thank them more
skiiiii at tahoe :)
continue to love every second of it and soak it all up 
and soo much more


i have more thoughts as always, but this does justice for a lot of them
i skiied with ese, sami and zachy today. it was ese's first time on skis so i just stayed back with her as she got comfortable again. it was great. she is coming to cali for my birthday and im so freaking excited and so lucky to have her as my best friend. she reads me when i cant, explains my thoughts and emotions when i cant and knows me inside and out, plus i can be completely and totally me with her, every kind of me and love every minute of it and laugh the hardest :) its freaking wonderful.
then i hung out with the maddex cousins (erin shannon sean) that was fun too, we just played and laughed and enjoyed each other, playing on photo booth we had a classic moment
erin "lets be angels"
me "how do we do that"
hahahah everyone started cracking up and we just imagined grandma rolling up there after all the times she told us to act like angels :), it was fantastic.


tomorrow is new years eve. who the heck knows what we're doing. molly and i are ancy, not really into the summit high school party scene and looking for something a little new and different, we'll see what we find. crazy it's 2010...there will be lots of thoughts coming.


3 days left, i hope i can fit enough in and enjoy it, its weird how it just creeps up on you all of a sudden.

Merry Christmas with spice tea, new pjs and good plans :)

I'm too much of a cheese ball to miss posting on christmas, ask anyone they'll tell you :)
so MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
it was a different christmas
last night i went to marges and sat in the dark living room with her and my dad and tried to keep the conversation going and then opened a few presents. it was fine. just different. not at dads house, not really christmas just kinda quick present giving. then i went and saw mindy and kam which was nice. then to daves with the crew for a bit. then mom and i were home. i opened my yearly pjs which are wayyy cozy and a pretty gold locket from my mommy. that was my meaningful present and i loovee it. i fell asleep on the couch by the christmas lights and fireplace then slowly moved upstairs. woke up this morning opened a few presents and had waffles with mom and then drove to denver for christmas dinner (@ 2pm (lunch??)) with grandma, laurie, marty and jill. we have one heck of a quirky family but i love them and i have reached the point where they make me laugh. 
the big difference, no jess. it was weird, the first one ever. but, i see him all the time at school and we'll make up for it, still doesnt make me wish he was here any less but its ok
it was a good day though, mom and i made our small little christmas just fine and it was good to see the family.
oh..plus an hour long phone call with scotty to hear about the journey to hell and back and whats coming and all sorts of thoughts and ideas and excitement. probably the best part of my day :) he'll be here monday. yayyy

then i came home and planned and organized, i mean what else would i do with my free time
organized food and equiptment for the yurt
WE'RE GOING TOMORROWW!!!!
to be completely honest i havent been as excited as usual, its just been a lot of planning and from california with school too a little stressful. but its coming together and we will go and we will have a blast.  chels and ese and i will complain the whole way up and almost die but we'll also laugh and walk backwards and jam and have a blast...and hours and hours later we will make it to the top for the best nap ever. playing in the snow, cooking, playing silly games, and a little bit of crazy fun with my best friends, its fantastic and something that I loooovee has become a tradition. it will be an experience as always, but a wonderful one, two days away from life just having fun and being us, fun :)
    ok and even better, SCOTTY WILL BE HERE MONDAY and i have spent the rest of my night planning a get together....almost all of us are gonna be together soon and it is gonna be wonderful and we are gonna scream our heads off when we see each other and laugh and tell stories and be in our little ryla world for a couple days. BEAUTIFUL!! Seriously i get goose bumps thinking about it. I cant wait

so...even if christmas was different the after events are absolutely wonderful. and i really am happy that i have this wonderful life :)

merry christmas, get in your cozy pajamas and stay warm! its negative something outside. and drink some spice tea or hot cocoa or apple cider or something cozy and then think about all the wonderful things you have and christmas presents that are nothing more than the people that fill your world day after day, cause i think thats about the best present you could ask for :) at least for me it is, maybe i just got super lucky, either way im thankful and happy and sooo fortunate. <3

merry christmas eve

Happy Christmas Eve Day

I'm laying on the couch by the christmas lights and the fireplace watching Jerry McGuire with my mommy. If Jesse was here it'd be perfect, but its pretty close. We've watched this movie a million times. I found out we have the rewind pause thingy when mom missed Ray saying "did you know the average human head weighs 8 pounds" so we rewound and watched it again. The kid is our favorite. He sits on the couch with drunk Jerry "I wanna go to the zoo, lets go to the zoo NOW" i wanna take Ray to the zoo, he is hillarious.

Last night the whole crew hung out. A few funny things happen when you have boys for best friends. Em was showing us her Budapest pics and Dave was sitting behind me, I thought he was just playing with my hair little did I know he was giving me dreads...one of which is still in my hair. Then I practice my self defense and quickness. Then i get to hear some things I'd be just fine not knowing, but I have boys for best friends so I smile and nod and let them be boys. Cause I love them dearly. Boys are different, no drama no over thinking obnoxious emotions just us in the hot tub hanging out reminiscing about the silly things they did, and I tagged along :). Having those boys around and the whole leadville crew is really nice and easy. The yurt on Saturday will be fun, even if its different and a couple weird feelings, ill be with my best friends :)

Scotty got his care package and so we talk about balancing each other out, but there is no need to balance, it just balances :) and its fantastic. Mik called about plans for next week, oh boyyyyy i am soooo excited seriously soooo excited ahhhhh

Tomorrow is Christmas, its gonna be way different than all my other Christmas. But I guess its Christmas and its just the feeling, who cares if its different cause like I said in the last post, I have so many people to be my Christmas presents, day after day after day and I love that more than anything else in the world.

Im so content right now and life is really uber good :) <3

people for christmas except my life line :(

life is a funny one. a super fantastic one. but the little quirks i guess just have to make you laugh, or something.

christmas is in two days. my brother isnt home, and he isn't gonna make it home. he told me and i cried, i see him all the time now and really its not a big deal. but we are a family of three, you loose one and it makes a big difference. I was really excited for a small relaxed christmas just us, cause when its just us its ok that we have a small christmas and enjoy each other and do things we do not things other people do. he slept through his alarm and its christmas time so...there arent really flights for him to get on. this is the first christmas of my life i'll spend without him. i guess we are growing up, i guess that starts to happen, but its throwing me off a little. sigh

scotty is home! two months of the hardest thing of his life and he's done. and i couldnt be more excited for him and proud of him. and we will all be together soon and oh boy i cant wait, thats the best christmas present i could ever ask for, just us, being us and loving each others company and stories and giggling til our stomachs hurt. i cant wait.

its snowing outside and im sitting by the fireplace and just got done skiing. it is christmas time even without my brother. the whole leadville gang is getting together tonight to welcome em home from budapest, that will be lots of fun. and we are going to the yurt saturday, which also is interesting. corey cant come, meaning that sux cause thats the only time i see him and also we dont have snowmobiles. should be interesting. i told elyse and i couldnt stop laughing, because we are gonna be a mess..ey yi yi. i guess thats the fun of it.

life is really really good. i skiied with my 10 year old cousin mekenna, joan and doug yesterday and it was fantastic. mekenna is always a breath of fresh air for me. we sat on the lift and sang all our favorite fun songs and christmas songs too and we just laughed and she just played and it was great. its fun to feel like a little kid again, and to just enjoy the simple things, cause those really are the best. i skiied with zachy today and we played and joked and did lots of shell and zachy things. and davey is home and tonight will be great just being with everyone. im really excited.

the yurt has been so stressful i havent had time to be excited but i am. its our fun every year thing and we will have fun

and SCOTTY and so much ryla together in 5 days, thats fantastic.

seriously all i need for christmas are people. and i will make up for my bro not being here when i get back to school, even if it feels really funky. so im gonna go play with my leadville friends. and have a funky christmas. and play some more with this crew and then my most favorite ryla family. my life is really good. and im reminded everyday and its fantastic :)

Good morning

Good morning sunshine

Good morning blue skies

Good morning snow covered mountains

Good morning day filled with good things

Oh home, I love it here, i freaking love it here. But..the first week I loved it the most, then I start to get a little confused.

My whole life I thrive off of being so incredibly busy I cant breathe, off of totally stressing myself out and filling all my time up. And I come home and feel like I have to fit so much in and do the same. And then sometimes I feel like Im not doing enough and time just freaks me out.

I have less than two weeks left. And its gonna be so busy and I just feel like when Im sitting at home Im doing something wrong, like I should be doing something with this time I have until I meet molly at 12. I could go skiing but I dont wanna ski by myself, i want Zachy to go ski with me but he has to go to Breck. Ugh. I dont like just having copper and a basin, next year I hope I have a job and some money to buy myself a pass so I can ski wherever. Its not that abasin and copper are bad at all its just I want to be able to ski with everyone and everyone skis at Breck.

I went to Britts on Saturday and her and Sarah and I had such a fantastically RYLAesque night. We saw the Blindside (again) which is sooo freaking good it gives me goosebumps the whole time and at the end I have a little more faith in the world (very RYLA) then we went to Britts and stayed up for hours and hours talking all about RYLA and remembering all the random silly moments and getting goose bumps again and anticipating next year, which is scary for us and a funny thing. Most likely we will be back, but there are no guarantees, so we worry our little heads off since it has become such a huge piece of our lives. We talked about going in this year knowing what we're doing, which seems a lot better than our fears and worries of last year. Oh RYLA i just love it like nothing else in the world. We laughed so hard it hurt thinking of Kels's laugh and Terry and all sorts of fun random things that can only be as funny as they are on 3 hours of sleep nightly and complete mental exhaustion, its fantastic. Then we had lunch with Kerry which was great. He sees the world through fantastic eyes and our views match up. College has done us so much good and Im just glad we understand the world the same. Hopefully we will all be together soon in a weekish?!?! We're hoping Scotty will be here, and Im hoping i will here from Scotty TOMORROW! Crazy

Then I came home sooo tired and cried to my mom. Ive been doing a lot of that lately. Its like cause at school I never cry I have to take care of it all while Im home with my mommy. A few things just dont feel right. Things change and I gotta get used to that. But really things are pretty damn great.

Im gonna workout with mol, then Christmas shop with Liv and Steph and then maybe sled or something else with the crew. Which p.s. is something I really miss and love that we can get together again and laugh and just be us. We all hung out on Friday night and I forgot how big a part of my life time at Derek's with everyone was, it was a blast :). Maybe Christmas shopping will make me feel more Christmasy. Maybe I will make some Christmas cookies while I get wait to go workout. Or maybe I dont even have time.

Christmas is on Friday and Jesse gets here on Wednesday. I dunno what we're doing yet but Im actually excited for a small, relaxed Christmas without loads and loads of presents. Just some family time will be nice. We go to the yurt on Saturday. I'm trying to be excited, I really am, Im just worn down from planning, I will not be planning next year so we'll see if this is the last year.

Hopefully we can play in the snow today, but there really isnt much which is sad. Home is great and just gotta love it. :)

winter wonderland

I am incredibly happy right now...

Its dumping outside, dumping

we skiied today and it was fantastic

we just went to see the Blindside...absolutely AMAZING movie

I am absolutely in love with home

I'm laying on the couch listening to christmas music

Life is sooo incredibly good.

I came home, and to be completely honest there is a big chunk of me wondering why I ever left this place. Dont get me wrong, I love Santa Clara and couldn't ask for anything better. But THIS is all me, all home, my culture, my life. The blue sky, the fresh feeling air, the stars, the coziness, the small town, the snow, the cold, the skiing...I absolutely love it. And because I left I love it more than ever have in my life, and I feel like 4 years is a long time to be away. But ill be back in between. I just love it here, i love the feel, I miss it like crazy and i really love the snow. Its a feeling you cant get anywhere else, and I just am so glad I grew up in this beautiful little place.

I told Britt last night all the people I love (most of them at least) are closest to here, and I miss that too. I was talking to Zachy about it too. I love being home cause i can see all of the people who are my family...family of amazing wonderful best friends. Zachy, Ese, Tiff, Dave, Britt and all of RYLA, Mindy and Kam, mommy, Liv, Molly, Kali, they are all here, and I am not and its ok I love that I am in California, but I also love that I can come home to them, cause I am strong because of them :)

We just saw the Blindside, sooooo sooo good. Such a me movie, sooo feel good and ahhh it was just fantastic. Sandra Bullock is a freaking bad ass, and I would LOVE to be a mother like her. The little boy is adorable, big Mike's little side kick and just fantastic and gosh its just so good. I loved it.

Tomorrow I'm gonna try to ski again, somewhere and then hang with Tiff. I'm really really really really happy. Seriously, its wonderful :)

I wanna make a snow angel, maybe in a bit

fall quarter...check

I'm done with my first quarter of freshmen year, waaaaa hoooo. My finals went well and now Im packing to go home which is again the weirdest thing and this time even weirder cause Im going home for three weeks. I kinda feel like I'm moving out. And I dont really know how to pack for three weeks at home so of course I have sooo much stuff, just in case... Its crazy that we are done with this quarter. In some ways it feels like we just moved in yesterday and in some ways it feels like we've been here forever. Man its been soooo great, I freaking love this place so so so much, its perfect and everything I hoped for it to be. I sent emails to the provost and Father Engh this morning saying thanks for getting me here...if it weren't for them I wouldnt be here, who knows how life would be. But this is amazing and I love it.

I'm a little unsure about going home. I mean Im sooo excited. Kali and Molly are picking me, Zachy and I are going skiin Sunday, Katie gets home Monday and I get lots of time with Tiff and everyone else. Im stoked, its gonna be a blast. It'll just be weird being away from here. But I think it will probably fly by. And be really really fun. I'm sooooo excited for the snow. And home, my own space will always be something to look forward to there.

I LOVE that I love it here and am excited to go home and then excited to come back, its freaking fantastic sooo fantastic it makes my toes wiggle :)

Tuesday night Hayley and I went to the Nutcracker in San Francisco, it was amaazzzinng. The costumes were soo cool and the dancing was great and the theater was sooo huge and gorgous. We were really freaking far away but it didnt matter one bit. It was a feel good experience, made me think of RYLA and mi familia a lot. Just like people who are so good at that sharing their talent with an audience of people in awe. It was great. And its sooo neat that San Francisco is so close and we can go there and do that. Plus it helps a lot that Jes is there so we could just stay with him. It was awesome :)

My camera was stolen (I think) keep your fingers crossed that maybe it will find its way back. Its really frustrating. First of all Im just blown away that someone would come into my room and open my drawer and take my camera out. Plus they left the charger and the cord so they cant do much with it but we have searched everywhere and I know it was in that drawer on Sunday. It blows my mind that people have it in them to do that, I always just expect people to be good and trustworthy, and I guess they might not always be, too bad. I think it also might be a little bit of a small town thing. A couple nights ago I was watching the news at the gym and there were something like 10 different deaths in San Jose just in one day and I was just soooo blown away. Thats when I realized how sheltered I've been. Of course you hear about all the crime and violence but I guess I never thought it was real, its insane, blows my mind. And I guess the camera thing is a little similar, ughh. Its also frustrating cause there are sooo many people here who are loaded who could easily just buy a new camera, but they had to steal from the poor girl who will now stress about how in the world I can afford a new camera. I dunno its all around a frustrating situation. I'm still hoping we'll find it or someone will return it.

Anyways, im excited to be home. Sad to be leaving this world. Ready for Scotty to be home. And so ready for the snow :)

I have so much to love, and everyday I remember that, something like a camera being stolen cant bog me down, it'll just teach me to ALWAYS lock my door, you never know whos around.

Goodbye fall quarter of freshmen year, hello winter time at home :)

Bring me some snow would ya?

right where i need to be with some holiday spirit

home has been in the title of so many of my blogs lately. and its kinda confusing. but i got back here, to school, my dorm room, my fantastic friends, second floor swig, palm trees, constant chaos, gym, library, beautiful campus, california, and something felt just right. home was great, dont get me wrong (leadville home), my best friends are there, so many things are there. But right now, this is right where Im supposed to be, and exactly what feels good. When Im in Leadville/ Summit I feel like I have to deal with a lot of life, and when Im here I get to deal with me, and do whatever it is that makes my heart content, no expectations, no drama, no past, just me, being me, and whoever I want to be. Everything fits here, everything Ive been through makes sense, where I'm going makes sense. And when I sit on my couch by the fireplace, while its so comforting and there are soo many amazing things, life gets a little bit confusing, like it was a lot of the times I sat on that couch...so many memories, so many ups and downs, so many whys and what ifs and this and that and just a lot of thoughts. So, while I will continue to love going home cause that is a huge piece of my heart and my world and my family is there and all the things I grew up loving, i will also continue to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And so lucky to come back here where everything feels just right.

And then... today I took a picture with Santa, had my first candy cane, decorated my room and made snowflakes. Christmas music has been playing for a few weeks, Hayley sprayed her cinnamon Christmas smell air freshener. The spirit is in the air and gosh I just love it. I was thinking about all those things as a kid. Sitting on Santa's lap and eating your first candy cane they are such exciting things. Its like a chance to dream of and hope for everything you want and feel a whole lot of love and excitement. You sit on Santa's lap and you feel like the world is yours to dream of and your imagination goes crazy. The elves at the north pole, Santa and his reindeer, all the things you might get for Christmas and the big fat man squeezing down your chimney, you can dream like crazy and when your little nothing gets in the way. You eat your first candy cane of the season and you just anticipate all the yummyness that is to come and all the fun and happiness and spirit and joy, all the things that naturally come along with Christmas and make your heart feel a little fuller. Those are the things we need to hold onto, the things that make us soar when we are little kids, a childlike heart, an imagination, dreams, and simple pleasures. Not just at Christmas but all the time. Especially at Christmas though, the love, the joy, the dreams, and the giving. Member when you were little and made your mom a present and it was the best feeling ever when she opened it with a huge grin on her face, we need to remember that in giving, small simple things, not necesarrily big materialistic things. We should feel the spirit, make snow flakes, dance to Christmas music, take your time making your candy cane as poky as you possibly can, and dream of all the things Santa could bring to you. Maybe now you think of success, happiness, a family, a good job, some fun, whatever it may be and not so much that new doll or the big teddy bear or the AWESOME barbie jeep, but your dreaming, even if it never quite turns out perfect, its the spirit of the season that matters. Family, happiness, joy, giving and the feeling that I cant put into words but you all know exactly what I mean. Make some snowflakes, a Christmas list, decorate your house, light some cinnamon candles and listen to the most enjoyable seasonal music ever and feel it as much as you can. Just enjoy it for the spirit instead of stressing about the craziness, it feels good.

Theres my little early Christmas spiel, its only December 3rd so you have LOTS of time :)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS and Happy Christmas Spirit

P.S. Going to a private Catholic school allows for all the Christmas spirit you want with no worries about being politically correct, I like that, no offense to those who dont celebrate Christmas, its just a fun feeling :)