pushing the limits of life

hello wonderful people of my life :)
it is SO hot and i am SO tired. Its 10:20 and Im pretty much ready for bed... which is not freakishly abnormal in my current amazing living conditions. but oh do i have thoughts. so bear with me if my words dont work as planned.


last night Hayley and I went on one of our late night walk/talk sessions. For venting and dreaming and questioning and being best friends, figuring out life together. everytime they remind me of all the things i live for. the things that she too lives for and reminds me to live for. everytime they help me sort through the funny things in my head that i have just been mulling over, but hayley makes sense of them. everytime they refresh me and make me ready for whatever it is that is ahead. and last night... it was just what our restless, thoughtful, same page minds needed. we talked about mass on sunday, that gave us goose bumps and a faith in something that at other points in our lives scared us away.  we talked about friends and foes and how justice is about love, and understanding differences and learning about each other. and more than anything else... we talked about pushing the limits of life. going farther and deeper. learning and loving more. stepping out of our comfort zones. challenging ourselves and making the best of every single moment.. cause they fly by SO freaking fast. i am so lucky to have Hayley in my life... keeping up with my crazy dreamer, thinker, life loving head. and being there right there with me wanting to explore and learn and grow. someone to forever remind me to push the limits of life.


so i got up this morning and ran.. i ran farther than usually, i ran harder, i got out of bed faster.  i paid attention in class, said thank you more than usual, had my eyes and ears and heart WIDE open to all the things that surround me.  and i felt ready to push the limits of life. I went to Discover... a mini group for conversation/community/thinking about the big things in life, I listened to the program coordinator for my position tutoring adults trying to get citizenship and thought of all the amazing things that could come from it. i pushed the limits.  let myself be so whole and at the same time so open and so in need of more to complete all that i am. and that... pushing the limits of life. that is how i want to live everyday of my life. And when I live like that... pushing the limits of life. It leads to one exhausted brain and one super ready for bed shell :)


I also got the most wonderful email from my Zachy today.  The boy who taught me more about life and boys and friendship and the world than any teacher or boyfriend or genius person ever could.  He wrote just to tell me he loves me, and that he thinks Im amazing and that my blog inspires him. I teared up reading that.  He's my rock and I love that no matter how far away we are, this so special best friend sibling forever love between us is as strong as anything I've ever known. And if he could only begin to understand all of the part he has played in making me into the me I am today :) I love you Zachy, oh so very much.


I went to the Adult Citizenship school that I will be tutoring at tonight, was told to not wear blue or red and if I feel uncomfortable call security to walk me to my car. On our way back to school we talked a little about growing up in places with gangs, lockdowns or just lockdown drills. About being asked what gang we are in or about knowing nothing about it. Then I read my anthropology about women being raped and not reporting it, about the meaning and effect that has on innocent women in country's where they are seen as free to be dominated by men.  And I thought about how lucky I am to have lived so much of my life feeling safe. Feeling protected. Feeling like I can wear whatever colors I want, feeling like most of the time Im ok to walk by myself, feeling like if someone ever violated me and my space in any way shape or form my family would be their to support me in kicking that person's ass... however that may be.  How lucky am I, are so many of us, to have the luxury of feeling safe, strong, independent and also supported by the system.  My sociological brain goes crazy thinking about all the people that don't have that, and how important it is to be aware, cognizant, and empathetic to all the other things that other people have dealt with that we haven't.  I also thought about how little I know about my country that immigrants are forced to learn, how I was born here and thats good enough but many people put months or years into studying "the" history, culture, language, stories... all of the things that are so far from black and white and still are not given rights to be a part of what I learned today in spanish should be una ensalada de intigracion instead of a mixing pot de asimilacion. 


Just think about it every once and a while. About all the people in this country, this world. All the differences. All the challenges. And all the amazingness. Open your eyes and your mind and your heart and learn and listen and take down the judgements and the walls.. and push the limits of understanding. Push the limits of life :)


I am in a place where I am pushed to think about these things on a daily basis, where pushing the limits of life is easy with opportunities to learn and grow surrounding me. I love this place. I love being pushed to push the limits. Watch out life.. Im on a mission to push it, to have my world rocked a little, to learn, to step out of my comfort zone. And fill myself to the brim of life <3

Sunday Joy

hello Sunday morning :)
I like the feel of today. Hayley and I are sitting in Mission City coffee shop, drinking chai, chatting, listening to music, just being.  Sundays are great when you can just relax and be and dont have loads of homework to worry about. I went for a morning swim and now Im here and it feels like a great day. A great day cause Im here, in this place that I love with every single piece of my being.  Because I had a fantastic weekend, perfect first Friday night out dancing, seeing people, being crazies and a great lazy Saturday.  Because Im right where I am supposed to be and I know it every single minute. And cause Im ready for another week of classes that make me think and full days of sucking the marrow out of life. I LOVE IT!

Last night I pulled out my pictures I had printed the beginning of last year and looking through them they felt so far away. Like so much life has happened since then, so much growing and learning and changing. So much new and different, that it almost feels like those pictures are from a different life time.  It was a weird feeling, its weird how life comes and goes and changes and you don't really feel like much is happening in the middle of it all. But you look back at things like that and are a little side swiped at how it all happens.   Its a little bittersweet. But more so, just reminds me how good life is :)

I guess I dont really have a whole lot of thoughtfulness flowing out of me today. Life is so so good. Everyday I am inspired by this place and the people around me to be better and to do more with my life. I dream so much about all of the life that is ahead of me. And enjoy every minute of the now. Sometimes  I wonder how I got so lucky. Someones watchin out :)

Hope your having a fantastic Sunday and dreaming big :) Lots of love from SC <3

slightly overwhelmed... extremely excited

Blogging is my oasis. Sorry if Im flooding anything I might be flooding but I need a little processing time.


WHOA!!!!!!


You know that feeling when your throat feels a little tight and your stomach has butterflies and you feel a little tense and tired just thinking about the chaos of life. I feel like that right now.
This quarter is going to be CRAZYYYYY!
I have so much wonderful life to live that I feel like I might forget to breathe. BUT Im living too good of a life to even need too much breathing time. Ha. Those are the words of a crazy person. I have a little weekly schedule thing in front of me where I can block off classes, work, SCCAP office hours, Arrupe and LUCHA and when I look at it.. the blank spots are sooo few it scares me. I KNOW its good. And I KNOW this is what Im here for and Im supposed to be spending time doing all this awesome stuff that I am so lucky to be a part of. But um..  I could use a little time to get in the swing of things.


Too bad.. there is not time for swinging :) So... HEREE WE GOOOOO!!! HOLD ON TIGHT!


I love being here. I love being slammed busy but loving every minute of the things I am doing. I love being surrounded by people who are just as busy and excited and full of life. I love feeling like there are so many opportunities, so many ways to fill my time. I LOVE IT!

I just might need a little reminder to breathe sometimes. To sleep. To exercise. And to eat normally.

Im gonna make this quarter fantastic. And stay on top of my game and love it.  Cause the train is a running so I gotta catch up :)

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now :) Time for bed! XOXO

dreamin, planning, dancing, growing, learning.. L I V I N G

well hello there world.  Happy end of the first day of school.
The first day of school. I like that those are a consistent in my life. Since I was just a little guy crying when my mom left me. And I still get to cry a little when my mom leaves me :). Good life.


Anyways... the first day of school was... LONG, busy, exhausting, exciting, scary, fun, new, dream creating, and all sorts of things. 
I worked this morning and did some thinking/planning/logistics doing before they had me stuffing envelopes. It went by fast. Its nice to be back there, to know people, to have a job, and to just have sometime to do whatever and be mindless.


Then it was school time. Anthropology and Contemporary Issues of BUSINESS... WHOA! Anthro is cool... totally my thing, as long as the professor stays cool I think Im gonna like it.  I really like learning about people, and seeing how societies and stuff work so Im excited for that.
Then business.  We talked about why we are in the class. Not kidding the majority said because their parents do business or they want (in some way shape or form) to make money. Then I spilled.. I'm the sociology major, totally out of my comfort zone, trying this out cause Im interested in foreign service and see the value of business paired with sociology, and I hope it works out... phew, got that off my chest. But... drum roll please... I LIKED IT and it made my little dreamer brain run like crazy.  And! The teacher is very... what I need. She altered the books definition of business to make it relative to non profits too, she sees the importance of that. She also is in charge of global fellows, the  summer international service internship program Im SUPER interested in. And I think its gonna be good.
Ill admit I was slightly intimidated. Its by no means going to be easy. But a challenge is good, and it will keep me on my toes. Im diving in, cause its all about risks and getting your world rocked here and there right. Im ready :)


Its so good to be back here. Its so good to be in classes that make my brain run and never stop. To walk around in the sunshine and roses and beauty of this place. To go swimming. To have cellar dinner and laugh so hard with my best friends. To be home <3 


This quarter is gonna be crazy busy. Im not sure when Ill breathe kinda busy. But its all good stuff. And thats what Im here for... to squeeze the marrow out of this life. So... we're running, hope my legs can keep up with my learning,dancing, growing and forever dreaming brain :)


P.S.  I also think Im really gonna love the management classes I have to take... back to my party planning days. Planning, organizing, team work. Exciting. I have big dreams coming out of these developments... and its only the beginning!


P.S.S. You KNOW it was a good day when I choose yellow :)

exhausted thoughts of sophomore year STARTING!!!

um hello there


sophomore year starts tomorrow.
and i want nothing more than to lay my little head down and sleep the night away so i am READY for the day :)
i am EXHAUSTED from moving in, organizing, seeing people, spilling excitement about SCCAP to people at the club fair and from all the emotions surrounding this whole moving in, starting school, crazy transition wonderfulness.


SCCAP retreat was fantastic. I love these people. Like seriously I LOVE THEM. They remind me whats important in life. And fill me so dang full of love and joy and passion that I just wanna bounce around and spread what they give me.  
I think I may end up studying abroad in El Salvador instead of Spain. long story.. to be explained later. But partially in my head forever, and very much so encouraged by many SCCAPers... it would be much more meaningful and unique. I like that.
These amazing kiddos also had my head running like crazy around Global Fellows and Donavan...both summer service programs that I will be involved in at least one of :)


They make me wanna do and be and live.
And I cant ask for anything more from the people I surround myself with 


Then I came home to Hayley. More making me want to do and be and live. Someone to share all this with. To talk about it and dream with. To love life with. To question everything. To talk about the importance of getting our worlds rocked. To encourage me and remind me who I am. And to have late night pillow talk with that leads to "I dunno what I do... I just be cheesy" ha


Confession... I SO wish I was living with her.
But she's near by, and we'll be spending plenty of time together. And she's my best friend SO its all good.


Anyways, Im moved in. It feels great.  I moved in pretty much by myself, which was a little hard and for a minute had me a little sad that my mom wasnt here hanging up my clothes and making my bed. But it all worked out, and her and I had so much good time together on our way out. Its weird being far away from Hayley and Lauren and Stella and the boys and everyone that was always around last year. We've had a couple moments of AHHHHHHH this is too weird.  
But I am so dang excited to be in San Fillipo. There is so much good stuff here. So many great people. And the walk to Hayley and Lauren's room really isn't that bad and we'll just meet new people.
Its going to be a FANTASTIC year and I am really really out of this world excited for all thats to come.


School starts tomorrow... WHOA
work at 8 and class at 2:15. I cant even believe it, and the transition will undoubtedly be slightly challenging but thats normal. So.. Im going to bed. Ill come back soon with better less exhausted thoughts.


Love you all so very much :)

running along with the always spinning record of life

So... I feel like I really owe the world of my blog (not sure who that is. me for later reference, my few lovely readers, my brain?) whoever that is, a bit of an update. Especially cause I am in transition mode, almost done transitioning and it has been a great transition...


All the packing, car washing, good bye saying came to a close Wednesday morning and we drove away.  I got up bright and early and went to the lake for a quick jog and stopped by to say bye to Eric. I love going there, I love being in a space that's his, and I love knowing that if nothing else, for the rest of my life he will bring me back to my little beloved town.  We were incredibly organized, the car was very full but everything fit and although I teared up a little saying bye to my dogs (I dunno why they make me cry) driving away felt good, to both of us.  We needed to get away, I needed to be on my way back here and the trip went so well.


The first night we stopped in Moab, camped on a little spot by the river surrounded my big red rocks towering over us. I went for a short hike, we made burritos on the fire (DELICIOUS) and we laid on the picnic table and looked at the stars. It was wonderful, and peaceful and good mamma time.  Day 2 we drove on this forever going straight, middle of no where two lane road to get to campsite number 2 in the least visit National Park in America. But again, beautiful.  In the woods, kinda mountainy and in between two little streams. It was great. My mom really knows how to camp and it was 2 great nights of peace and us time and just being on our terms.


The driving was long but it went by fast, we took turns, I jammed, took in the views (and despite the fact that we drove on the lonliest highway in America oh there were views) and just did our thing. And side note.. we BARELY fought at all. It was good stuff, we needed it, for each other time, for ourselves time, and for get away time. And for me it was exactly the transition I needed before coming back to the chaos and excitement and constantness of school.


Friday we met Jes and Kylie at her cabin near Kirkwood which was also great. We read and went for a hike and laughed til we cried playing board games and were lazy butts, another perfect thing for us.  We got to Santa Clara sunday night, did errands and showed mom a couple things on Monday and I dropped her off yesterday morning.  Another little bit sad moment but easier for both of us than it has been in the past. We know this is where I am supposed to be, we know that for life she'll be my mama and Ill be her little girl and it was ok. We talked a lot on the drive about how important it is to spread your wings and fly, to go see new places and do new things and learn and grow. I love that she is engrained that in me and forever will support me to go and do and fly away and learn. Its wonderful.


Now Im at Laurens house with Keely and Hayley laying around, catching up on life, running errands, talking about how excited we are to be back and just enjoying each others company. Its so good to be back. So good to come back to this little family that we are. And so exciting to think of all the wonderfulness that is ahead. Its hard for my head to keep up with all of this amazing life. And sometimes hard to connect the dots. But I think often they connect on their own. And all that I learned and felt this summer being home enjoying the mountains, at the different RYLAs and learning a little bit more about life comes with me, and forever it all just sorta connects and keeps running with you even when your body feels like you cant quite keep up. Life is so good. And I love that I am here and walk on campus and am completely in love with the place. Man... Im one lucky girl I tell ya.


Also.. I declared an International Business minor today.  I kind of had to so that I can get into a business class this quarter and try it out and of course its never permanent.  But... there are some emotions behind that. Super excited to try it out, see where it takes me, for the prospect of something new and different. And equally nervous.  Honestly, its a bit of  risky move. Unlike sociology, Im not a hundred percent sure that Im gonna like it or necesarilly succeed at it.  And its a big move.  The girls all joked about how its the flavor of the week, cause its true, I'd come home last year day after day with new ideas but this is the most Ive ever done about an idea.  And Im excited for the challenge. What's life without risks? And how am I ever going to know without trying it out. Just wish me luck that I wont completely suck at it and or completely hate it.  I think it's gonna be good though :)


Alright its nap time.  We go on SCCAP retreat tomorrow which should be fun. And move in Sunday! Its all rolling and Im just running with it trying to keep up :) Always hoping your life is as exciting and GGRREEAAATTT as I feel mine is. And thanking all of you for making mine that way (P.S. Susan and Jim, thanks for EVERYTHING getting me out of there and all summer and for the past 19 years, you guys really mean the world to me <3)


xoxoxo

best kind of leaving :)

helllo :)


im laying in bed. on my last night at home for a while. and it feels GREAT. I remember this same moment last year. My last night at home. Blogging. Scared. Sad. Excited but just SO unsure.  This year Im SO sure. So sure that its gonna be great and that I love it and that its everything I always hoped it would be. SO sure that I will go back there and be in heaven and not sad to not be here. So sure that my friends there will be like a big blanket welcoming me back. So sure that I will learn and grow and have the time of my life. And most importantly sure that it is right and where I am supposed to be and that leaving here for there is the best kinda leaving I could ever ask for.


I had a meltdown last night. And another one this morning. A mix of stress and saying bye and my parents being frustrating and all sorts of things. But honestly I needed that. I needed to fight with my mom a little to remind myself that I am where Im supposed to be at school and to remind myself that I AM SO READY TO GO BACK. And then I got over it and decided to focus on how wonderful this summer was and the fact that Im going back to wonderful. And no matter what silly things frustrate me between now and then Im gonna get there and thats what matters. SO Im letting go. Im gonna try so hard to be patient and just know that we will get there. And enjoy our time together. Cause why not?


This summer has been SOOOOO good. And Im so thankful that I got to be in these beautiful mountains. And that I made the most of it.  I played outside so much. Spent time with my best friends.  Made money.  Adventured, learned, grew. All the things I wanted to do.  It was GRREAATTTT! And now its time to go back and continue the great.


Im not feeling very sentimental.. I cried to much this morning to be mushy gushy. Which is ok because that way I can just be excited and not sad to leave. Because I know ill be back soon. And this place and my best friends and the things that matter will always be there. And I can come back and enjoy it and phones and skype and all things technology make 2,000 miles away seem like nothing :)


So heres to a wonderful drive enjoying the views and the time with my mamma and all sorts of things.  And to a wonderful summer. And an amazing sophomore year to come with all sorts of exciting adventures. Thanks home for an awesome summer, and for sending me on my way to keep learning,dancing,growing and forever dreaming :) See you sooon!


P.S. sophomore year bucket list!
-immersion trip
-camping!
-ski at Tahoe
-explore California
-road trip to Seattle
-be a big sister :)
-babysit
-keep up that Dean's List status
-declare a minor... or two
-meet lots of new people
-runnn and bike more :)
-hike!
- adventure adventure adventure!!!!!
-get in touch with Rotary/find Rotaract/ work on Rotaract E Club


yayyyyyy Im so excited :)
be back soon. Probably once Im in California. Send safe and fun and patient vibes my way for the miles of driving with mi mama. Mucho amor!!!!!!!!!!

THREE DAYS

hmmm... my thoughts are far too scattered to figure out how to start this somewhat normal. so.. hello :) 

before I get ahead of myself... I HAD SUCH A GOOD WEEKEND... and its not even over

Wednesday night i went to bed having one of those days where its just time to feel it.  where life just felt a little bit too scary to deal with at the moment.  I cried to Kelly and Victoria. There are a few people in my life that for whatever reason tears just flow easier around than others. They are some of those people and we got to talking about life and there they came.  And they listened and loved and understood and reminded me that I am me and life is life and all I can do is take care of mine. And I left feeling better but also slightly defeated by some of the things I cant and wont ever be able to control. So I came home and went to bed and I woke up the next morning ran, packed, got stuff done and was off to Boulder. To play and laugh and be with my best friends and remind myself that life is FAR too good to ever ever ever feel defeated.

The two days there was fantastic.  We rode bikes. And danced. And laughed. And lounged. And explored. And all sorts of things.  All but about 2 of my best friends in the entire world were in one house at the same time... HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY!??!?! And we just had all sorts of fun. It was exactly the two nights of adventure and friends and fun that I needed to get out of my blahhhhh funk and to commemorate my summer. It was fantastic... enough said.

Now Im home.  Spent the day at Beaver Lakes with the fam and came home to pack some more.  IM LEAVING IN THREE DAYS! The emotions behind that statement are overflowing. Excitement, nostalgia, stress, anxiety, a little bit of sadness, nervousness, so happy... soooo many things.  Packing is a pain in the butt.  Cause Im packing for school... a five day long drive drive to school... 5 days of camping during and after my arrival and about 5 days in between. Pain in the butt I tell you. 

The excitement is over ruling all the other emotions. And needs no explanation or thought. Im just SUPER stoked for SO many things. But... Im a little sad to leave home. To leave my best friends.. again.  Im a little nostalgic about the fact that.. I might not be back here for a very long period of time any time soon. Im nostalgic about leaving the beauty of this place.  

But.. I also realized that although this is home and it is soo unique and beautiful its not the only type of beautiful or the only unique type of beautiful. I have been SO lucky to live here for the last 19 years, to grow up here, to always call this home, but I need to keep finding different kinds of beauty. And Ill come back to the stars and mountains and amazing fairytale views

I also have so much faith in saying goodbye to my friends. I know now who will stay close. And that the ones who matter are the ones that stay close. And its beautiful :)

So... enjoying the next three days and hoping I an get everything done without having a nervous break down and IM OFF TO CALIFORNIA for the next adventure :) YAY! 

<3

Confession

I have a confession to make


Behind all the excitement and chaos and readiness for school.


Im starting to get sad about leaving. Im not sure Im ready to let go of this home, let go even more than before.


Ive fallen in love with all that it is again.  And Im not good at letting go.


Im on to another amazing adventure and I will be back.
But...still scared to let go.