paso a paso
step by step
this life seems to know how it is supposed to go
sometimes in the middle i cant see it
but then i look back and it all makes sense
people who get that are people who fill my soul
and there are so many in this world
life isnt supposed to be easy or perfect or even feel like it makes sense in the moment
but when i look back, it makes more sense than I can even understand.
and day after day i have conversations
with beautiful people
who have taken more steps than I
and each day, the steps make more sense to them
cause somehow... it all comes together.
there is not a moment of all put together perfection
there are strings of moments of beautiful
held together by moments of confusing
but without any of the steps... we would be a fallen necklace
beads strung across a dirty floor, some lost, never to be put together perfectly again
my mama gave little michelle so much life
spoiled me in an effort to make up for the challenges she didnt want me to see
then when i was old enough, life came back to remind me.
i opened my eyes wide
looked through tears, was lifted by loves
fell and got back up again
and found my way to this place
where gratitude makes the most sense
beauty and happiness surround me
and day by day i am taught to connect these worlds
i have been taking steps
mostly little ones
and sometimes i leap, with the support of beautiful people and conversations
i think about where i have been and where i am going
how i will take it with me
i step towards more sureness, growth, curiosity
towards people that lead me in the right direction
sccap, beautiful friends, moments of utter unsureness
those are all what lead me to confidence
courage, el salvador
a life that will only continue to lead me, paso a paso
faith in these steps gets me so far
home this summer sits funny in my head
but i know, time alone with myself
and the place where so much shaping happened
through lenses that have been wiped off again and again
will help to glue the pieces together
i will work again at connecting the dots
polishing, spinning and revealing some of the duller beads
or ones i wasnt always sure i liked
but when i think long and hard
i like every single one
cause without one, there would not be another...
paso a paso
xoxoxo
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
vulnerability
Hello there, happy day!
Despite all I say about this being for me, and all the rambling on and on I do...
I really do want to come here and write beautiful words. I want to inspire people to be and do more, to open their hearts and minds, to see and appreciate all the world has to offer.
I think sometimes I may sound naive or ditzy with my rambles about life being so beautiful.
The thing is, I have found this beauty as a contrast to some struggle. But even more, am aware and still learning of all the struggle and pain that exists in this world. I have seen and felt hardship. Parts of my heart walk outside of me as strength for people who mean the most. We talk about privilege a lot here. In so many ways I am so privileged, but my estatic appreciation of this life does not come from a sense of ignorance about the pain that exists. Everyday I look back on some of the ups and downs and am thankful for each of them. When my mama apologizes for the life that she experienced that at times was hard for me, or when I connect with a man at Julianne St over something that I dont often coin as part of my identity, I feel those moments and challenges in my heart, and am forever amazed at how I have arrived at this place of beauty and gratitude and ease.
Some days I feel like staying in bed, and then I beat myself up for not being happy, with a life as good and simple as this one is I should never be complaining. Then I go through the steps of reminding myself that I am human, knocking down my walls of "always smiling" that I spent years building up. And working to allow my soul to be raw and real.
Since coming to Santa Clara I have become so in touch with so many amazing and beautiful new people and things. I have learned about injustices, seen the challenges of communities, opened my eyes to more diversity and structural inequalities, but in some ways I have closed my self off from a world I left behind. There were times in my life where vulnerability was the only option. Mountains of people that saw me in a place where I felt so hurt and so helpless and so confused. And those people lifted me up like the most amazing support group. Friends, relationships, second families that held me and loved me through my learning and growing that come from the challenges that life brought along. And after vulnerability became too normal, Santa Clara called my name and I came running, declared myself as a strong, independent, happy, unweathered woman who was ready to take on the world.
In some ways I have done just that and it has been wonderful for me, running into this and grabbing onto amazing opportunities. I have opened myself to so many things. But I have closed myself to a part of me. I have pushed away the rawness of being vulnerable. Dont get me wrong the life that has gotten me here is forever in my heart and soul, yet so many of the people who are here in this place with me know nothing of that place of me. And in some ways there is a disconnect.
I dont mean to come here and ramble about how beautiful life is and never acknowledge some of the pains. There are pains, struggles, there is life. But amidst all of that there is beauty and love and joy. In the simple things.
I think its about connecting them, and more and more I have found a way to do that. In my conversation with Victor last weekend about a pain we have in common and also a passion we have for equality. In this soul in me that wants to hold and love people in their most vulnerable moments cause I have needed that holding and no doubt will need it sometime again. In my head it is all connected, but I am learning to share that with others.
I want nothing more than to give back to others what this universe has so kindly and lovingly given me. It has given me so many chances to become better, to look deep within me, to surround myself with amazing people to help me find strength and passion and joy. I want to be that to others.
Thats why I blog about how wonderful everything is, and deep down I am wishing I could send this overflowing of love and joy that I have found to others, but in the most sensitive, empathatic and understanding of ways. Cause by no means should the challenges be discounted or overruled by things that are simple and good, because sometimes you need to ride the wave. Feel the pain and confusion to become something of it.
I dont have it all figured out. I see the suffering in the world, in people around me, in so many parts of life. And I also see generosity and love and passion and understanding. I think its a balance that we need to find. So many people disproportionately experience the suffering, while others could use some strife in their life to give them a way to connect to others, an appreciation for all the beauty that is handed to them.
This place is an avenue for thoughts and feelings. And so often I come here to talk about all that is good cause thats easier for me to share with the world. Im going to El Salvador in the fall. A place that has experience more pain than I will ever be able to understand. And from now until then I am going to work on my being vulnerable, because in that place I will have to be and it will be so good. I am so excited for this chance to learn and to give. To share love and passion and struggles. And to be one with a people... cause for some reason in situations like Julianne Street and Comida and Conversation vulnerability comes easier. Something about our society, or maybe just my interpretation of it has made vulnerability unacceptable. I will learn to get that ability back. To open up so other people trust in my ability to listen and understand and care. To be real and raw, because that is the heart and soul of human connections- the reasons for beautiful moments in life and the reason I feel so grateful to be where I am today.
I hope my words are meaningful and not a bunch of ramble jamble. Heres to life and struggles and love and beauty and vulnerability. To being real and present and finding connections in all parts of this life. Thank you for reading and supporting my attempt.
XOXOX
Despite all I say about this being for me, and all the rambling on and on I do...
I really do want to come here and write beautiful words. I want to inspire people to be and do more, to open their hearts and minds, to see and appreciate all the world has to offer.
I think sometimes I may sound naive or ditzy with my rambles about life being so beautiful.
The thing is, I have found this beauty as a contrast to some struggle. But even more, am aware and still learning of all the struggle and pain that exists in this world. I have seen and felt hardship. Parts of my heart walk outside of me as strength for people who mean the most. We talk about privilege a lot here. In so many ways I am so privileged, but my estatic appreciation of this life does not come from a sense of ignorance about the pain that exists. Everyday I look back on some of the ups and downs and am thankful for each of them. When my mama apologizes for the life that she experienced that at times was hard for me, or when I connect with a man at Julianne St over something that I dont often coin as part of my identity, I feel those moments and challenges in my heart, and am forever amazed at how I have arrived at this place of beauty and gratitude and ease.
Some days I feel like staying in bed, and then I beat myself up for not being happy, with a life as good and simple as this one is I should never be complaining. Then I go through the steps of reminding myself that I am human, knocking down my walls of "always smiling" that I spent years building up. And working to allow my soul to be raw and real.
Since coming to Santa Clara I have become so in touch with so many amazing and beautiful new people and things. I have learned about injustices, seen the challenges of communities, opened my eyes to more diversity and structural inequalities, but in some ways I have closed my self off from a world I left behind. There were times in my life where vulnerability was the only option. Mountains of people that saw me in a place where I felt so hurt and so helpless and so confused. And those people lifted me up like the most amazing support group. Friends, relationships, second families that held me and loved me through my learning and growing that come from the challenges that life brought along. And after vulnerability became too normal, Santa Clara called my name and I came running, declared myself as a strong, independent, happy, unweathered woman who was ready to take on the world.
In some ways I have done just that and it has been wonderful for me, running into this and grabbing onto amazing opportunities. I have opened myself to so many things. But I have closed myself to a part of me. I have pushed away the rawness of being vulnerable. Dont get me wrong the life that has gotten me here is forever in my heart and soul, yet so many of the people who are here in this place with me know nothing of that place of me. And in some ways there is a disconnect.
I dont mean to come here and ramble about how beautiful life is and never acknowledge some of the pains. There are pains, struggles, there is life. But amidst all of that there is beauty and love and joy. In the simple things.
I think its about connecting them, and more and more I have found a way to do that. In my conversation with Victor last weekend about a pain we have in common and also a passion we have for equality. In this soul in me that wants to hold and love people in their most vulnerable moments cause I have needed that holding and no doubt will need it sometime again. In my head it is all connected, but I am learning to share that with others.
I want nothing more than to give back to others what this universe has so kindly and lovingly given me. It has given me so many chances to become better, to look deep within me, to surround myself with amazing people to help me find strength and passion and joy. I want to be that to others.
Thats why I blog about how wonderful everything is, and deep down I am wishing I could send this overflowing of love and joy that I have found to others, but in the most sensitive, empathatic and understanding of ways. Cause by no means should the challenges be discounted or overruled by things that are simple and good, because sometimes you need to ride the wave. Feel the pain and confusion to become something of it.
I dont have it all figured out. I see the suffering in the world, in people around me, in so many parts of life. And I also see generosity and love and passion and understanding. I think its a balance that we need to find. So many people disproportionately experience the suffering, while others could use some strife in their life to give them a way to connect to others, an appreciation for all the beauty that is handed to them.
This place is an avenue for thoughts and feelings. And so often I come here to talk about all that is good cause thats easier for me to share with the world. Im going to El Salvador in the fall. A place that has experience more pain than I will ever be able to understand. And from now until then I am going to work on my being vulnerable, because in that place I will have to be and it will be so good. I am so excited for this chance to learn and to give. To share love and passion and struggles. And to be one with a people... cause for some reason in situations like Julianne Street and Comida and Conversation vulnerability comes easier. Something about our society, or maybe just my interpretation of it has made vulnerability unacceptable. I will learn to get that ability back. To open up so other people trust in my ability to listen and understand and care. To be real and raw, because that is the heart and soul of human connections- the reasons for beautiful moments in life and the reason I feel so grateful to be where I am today.
I hope my words are meaningful and not a bunch of ramble jamble. Heres to life and struggles and love and beauty and vulnerability. To being real and present and finding connections in all parts of this life. Thank you for reading and supporting my attempt.
XOXOX
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Beautiful Moments
So Im laying in bed... thinking about how wonderful this day was. How out of this world life is. And how there are so many moments that are like a big slobbery kiss on the cheek from life reminding me of all that it is. I know I come here all the time and ramble on about how much I love life. And I am cheesy and cliche and so many things, but thats ok with me.
I just was looking at the Peace Corps website... add to list of things to consider after graduation. Then Tears in Heaven comes on Pandora. This song is a song for a place in my heart that is so special and quiet and has had such a huge impact on who and where I am. One summer in Michigan Dad and I were standing on the porch and this song comes on. He looks out over the lake and says "this is my song for Eric".. and my heart melts. He's not a real emotional man. We dont talk much about the beautiful life that came in and out and left such a huge mark on our souls, but at the moment he let me in just a little more and showed me how big the mark is on his heart too. And everytime I hear this song, I hold them both so close. And laying here, thinking of all the beautiful moments, having that song play, my heart just flutters feeling how connected it all is.
This morning I went to Julian Street, the SCCAP program that Margot runs at an adult transitional home. She wakes up every Saturday at the butt crack of dawn and goes with a group of volunteers to make breakfast for 70 residents and then sit and eat and chat with them. I have been twice before but today I had the most amazing conversation. The people in the home struggle with addiction, different mental/emotional stuggles, chronic homelessness, and some other things, but are truly some of the most thoughtful, good hearted people in the world. I sat down next to a man with a neck brace on and he proceeded to tell me so much about his journey that led him to Julian Street, last night was his first night and I was so very lucky to spend his first breakfast with him. He was in the military and navy, jumped and lived off of freight trains around the U.S. for ten years and spent a lot of time in and out of jail. He's at Julian Street after coming out of the Veterans Hospital for a year because of a reoccuring injury and the man is ready to revamp his life. He told me he was an alcoholic, internalizing challenges and pains from his childhood, his time in the military and not knowing how much dysfunction he had inside until he saw something on adult children of alcoholics. He opened up his heart and vulnerability and we connected over personal experience, passion, and a connection that happens between two people with hearts. We talked about education, war, traveling, societies inequalities and the forever challenge brought up in this society of not overcoming emotional challenges, we talked about having a therapist in every classroom and I could have sat with him for hours. Its amazing how in a situation like that the conversations are so much more rich and real than they are in everyday life. These people have been pushed so far, often dont connect with the others in their homes and just want a caring soul to acknowledge, converse and listen to them. He talked to me about how he feels to old to make an impact, how its people like me who have to do that, and no words could to describe to him the impact that he made on my life in that short twenty minute conversation, one for the books that will stick with me for so long. It fueled my soul.
I came home, slept for two hours, had breakfast with my two best friends and then spent the day with two women who inspire me so much. I cannot express enough the amazing people that have come into my life this year. The passion and soul and love that comes out of this people that have been such a place of comfort, love and growth for me. Maddie, Diana and I went into East San Jose for the "Somos Mayfair Mothers Day Fair". Mayfair is a community/ community center in East San Jose, majority Latino immigrants that struggles with poverty, unemployment, health problems, and all these things our society unfairly places on their shoulders. We took part in a ceremony celebrating mothers, listen to poems, songs, watched amazing dancing and a play put together but one of the community centers project and the best part was an amazing Bambara group. We just took part in this beautiful cultural event and felt right at home even though we were one of very few who came from outside of the community. We ate delicious homemade tamales in the sunshine and talked about the beauty of cultures, about how you raise kids, about what it is that made us "socially concious" a question someone asked me this morning at Julianne St. We talked about parents and personality and empathy and so many things. About El Salvador, traveling, life, love. And just were a part of such an amazing things. Its so cool being in this place where I am surrounding by culture and life and diversity and my eyes are opened to things like this Latino Cultural Fair and the troubles of a homeless man and so much more.
I'm just amazed at all these beautiful moments that happen constantly. Even on the days when Im whiney about being in a "funk" not wanting to do homework, not being sure of myself, feeling like bed is a good option...but what comes out of that is rejuvenation, taking care of me how I know how and clearing my head to come back to reality and be on this planet taking and giving with it in as best as a balance as I can find.
I am constantly forced to see things from a bigger picture, thinking, growing, loving and just so very inspired. This is all I wanted out of life and so much more, coming to Santa Clara I hoped for new and different and amazing but really had no idea how much of that I was coming into.
I bought my plane ticket to El Salvador yesterday, its actually about as real as its going to get until I get there... and still not very real. Its the next step in this journey. And the ones between here and there are so very special and important and meaningful, I almost wish I could push the slow motion button just so I remember to take it all in. Cause its just so good. Thank you universe for giving me this life. And if you made it to the end of this thanks for listening to me ramble, I hope it moves something in you, connects with you or reminds you to hold onto al the beautiful moments, and if you are funking find an outlet for beauty, cause this life has so many.
Happy Weekend. And Happy Mothers Day to all you amazing mamas out there, especially mine. Miss you dearly. XOXOX
I just was looking at the Peace Corps website... add to list of things to consider after graduation. Then Tears in Heaven comes on Pandora. This song is a song for a place in my heart that is so special and quiet and has had such a huge impact on who and where I am. One summer in Michigan Dad and I were standing on the porch and this song comes on. He looks out over the lake and says "this is my song for Eric".. and my heart melts. He's not a real emotional man. We dont talk much about the beautiful life that came in and out and left such a huge mark on our souls, but at the moment he let me in just a little more and showed me how big the mark is on his heart too. And everytime I hear this song, I hold them both so close. And laying here, thinking of all the beautiful moments, having that song play, my heart just flutters feeling how connected it all is.
This morning I went to Julian Street, the SCCAP program that Margot runs at an adult transitional home. She wakes up every Saturday at the butt crack of dawn and goes with a group of volunteers to make breakfast for 70 residents and then sit and eat and chat with them. I have been twice before but today I had the most amazing conversation. The people in the home struggle with addiction, different mental/emotional stuggles, chronic homelessness, and some other things, but are truly some of the most thoughtful, good hearted people in the world. I sat down next to a man with a neck brace on and he proceeded to tell me so much about his journey that led him to Julian Street, last night was his first night and I was so very lucky to spend his first breakfast with him. He was in the military and navy, jumped and lived off of freight trains around the U.S. for ten years and spent a lot of time in and out of jail. He's at Julian Street after coming out of the Veterans Hospital for a year because of a reoccuring injury and the man is ready to revamp his life. He told me he was an alcoholic, internalizing challenges and pains from his childhood, his time in the military and not knowing how much dysfunction he had inside until he saw something on adult children of alcoholics. He opened up his heart and vulnerability and we connected over personal experience, passion, and a connection that happens between two people with hearts. We talked about education, war, traveling, societies inequalities and the forever challenge brought up in this society of not overcoming emotional challenges, we talked about having a therapist in every classroom and I could have sat with him for hours. Its amazing how in a situation like that the conversations are so much more rich and real than they are in everyday life. These people have been pushed so far, often dont connect with the others in their homes and just want a caring soul to acknowledge, converse and listen to them. He talked to me about how he feels to old to make an impact, how its people like me who have to do that, and no words could to describe to him the impact that he made on my life in that short twenty minute conversation, one for the books that will stick with me for so long. It fueled my soul.
I came home, slept for two hours, had breakfast with my two best friends and then spent the day with two women who inspire me so much. I cannot express enough the amazing people that have come into my life this year. The passion and soul and love that comes out of this people that have been such a place of comfort, love and growth for me. Maddie, Diana and I went into East San Jose for the "Somos Mayfair Mothers Day Fair". Mayfair is a community/ community center in East San Jose, majority Latino immigrants that struggles with poverty, unemployment, health problems, and all these things our society unfairly places on their shoulders. We took part in a ceremony celebrating mothers, listen to poems, songs, watched amazing dancing and a play put together but one of the community centers project and the best part was an amazing Bambara group. We just took part in this beautiful cultural event and felt right at home even though we were one of very few who came from outside of the community. We ate delicious homemade tamales in the sunshine and talked about the beauty of cultures, about how you raise kids, about what it is that made us "socially concious" a question someone asked me this morning at Julianne St. We talked about parents and personality and empathy and so many things. About El Salvador, traveling, life, love. And just were a part of such an amazing things. Its so cool being in this place where I am surrounding by culture and life and diversity and my eyes are opened to things like this Latino Cultural Fair and the troubles of a homeless man and so much more.
I'm just amazed at all these beautiful moments that happen constantly. Even on the days when Im whiney about being in a "funk" not wanting to do homework, not being sure of myself, feeling like bed is a good option...but what comes out of that is rejuvenation, taking care of me how I know how and clearing my head to come back to reality and be on this planet taking and giving with it in as best as a balance as I can find.
I am constantly forced to see things from a bigger picture, thinking, growing, loving and just so very inspired. This is all I wanted out of life and so much more, coming to Santa Clara I hoped for new and different and amazing but really had no idea how much of that I was coming into.
I bought my plane ticket to El Salvador yesterday, its actually about as real as its going to get until I get there... and still not very real. Its the next step in this journey. And the ones between here and there are so very special and important and meaningful, I almost wish I could push the slow motion button just so I remember to take it all in. Cause its just so good. Thank you universe for giving me this life. And if you made it to the end of this thanks for listening to me ramble, I hope it moves something in you, connects with you or reminds you to hold onto al the beautiful moments, and if you are funking find an outlet for beauty, cause this life has so many.
Happy Weekend. And Happy Mothers Day to all you amazing mamas out there, especially mine. Miss you dearly. XOXOX
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
opening our eyes
Just a disclaimer... this is bound to be a stream of conciousness post... because Im exhausted and thats how life works and exhausted= rawish
Where to start...
Davey was here this weekend, we had an absolutely fantastic time. I love the kid to death. He needed sunshine and love and happiness and people his age. I needed a refresher some motivation and never say no to the feeling of home cooked love. Ya know. We did so much in such a short time and it was absolutely fantastic.. loved it.
Bin Laden was killed... I found out on facebook from the posts that cheered and cursed and celebrated America. And in all honesty.. I was disgusted. Its not really my thing to come ranting about politics here. I have opinions and I have learned a lot more about politics and injustice and things of that sort since coming to Santa Clara but for some reason that's just not what ends up here. But this time, I dunno I was just unsettled about it. I, like many others, do not know enough about the War on Terrorism, I know the basics, I know Bin Laden was the leader of horrible, painful, inhumane acts and I know that since I was in 5th grade we have been looking for him. I see that there is likely value in putting a stop to his influence, but also... America is not the end all be all because we killed him, and I just dont think we can throw everything in the air, set off fireworks and act as if its all over and we are this amazing country. Not to mention, there is something a little bit off about celebrating, with such lack of poise, often ignorance and just disregard as we did. There is so much more to it and we live in this country that thinks we are so powerful and able and important. That we have the answers and can just step in on others people's business and tell them whats right. We have this pride that to me comes from a place of ignorance and lack of concern for humanity. We have done so much wrong, we have killed and hurt and overstepped and we make so many mistakes. We have so many people suffering right within our own boarders and instead make it our business to step into the affairs of other countries. We think we are the land of the American Dream, we think we breathe and speak equality, we think we are so many things. And really we are flawed and corrupted and are failing so many people. And its so unfortunate to see the murder of a flawed man become more of a reason to celebrate this flawed country, to think of ourselves as bigger and better and to act as if we have solved the worlds problems and are superior to so many others. Sometimes its easy to block off reality, to believe that we are all these things, to celebrate a death... but come on people, step back, open your eyes and take a minute to really think about more than one bloody success.
Im not sure how to tranistion from there.. for some reason that whole thing just really messes with me. I am learning about inequality day after day, about structural failures, about education systems being so flawed that we sit and have circular conversations for hours wondering if we will ever be able to make a change. I spend my days at LUCHA where teachers worry about their kids not doing well on standardized tests because at home they dont speak the language they are forced to learn at school. We are on a high horse and think that America is all right, all the time... that White, Christian, English speakers are the epitome of success and we are so damn ignorant. There is so much beauty in diversity and other cultures. In different languages, traditions, histories. But instead we teach and preach one, degrading the value of others and creating a cycle of whites being successful and powerful and able to exploit, ignore and fail those who do not fit the "mold". Its painful to watch and I just hope that day by day more of us are learning about these structural failures, more of us are opening our eyes to the beauty of others, appreciating humans for our similarities; beating hearts, desires for love and success and excitement, histories, dreams, etc. I hope that the status quoting MLK outdo those stating "F*$k Yeah America". I hope people stop, think, listen and open their minds.
Speaking of beauty of diversity, on Tuesday nights I have the coolest Arrupe in the world. Its called Comida and Conversation. Students from SCU and Spanish speaking community members come together to share a meal and to share our languages with each other. Half hour of speaking in English and half hour in Spanish. We just chat, about whatever we want. Its such an amazing program. Learning and listening and creating these relationships. Breaking boundaries and appreciating differeing lifestyles. Being equals, sharing laughter and fears and hearts. Its fantastic. Lately I crave speaking Spanish. Im ready to start just taking chances, forcing myself to practice and learn and get better. I really love the barriers it can break and love the ability to connect with people who are so often ignored.
Last but not least. I have a nannying job with a beautiful 6 month old baby. Its only about once a week but she is finding her way into my heart. I have such a place in my heart for kids and babies. Their little smiles and curiosity and vulnerability just light up my life. They are soo beautiful and real.. and then we corrupt them. But anyways, we just had such a wonderful day. Playing in the park and the grass. Reading stories. Good for the soul. Reminds me of the hope for the world to learn and open our minds and get over this ridiculousness that we have become.
Happy Wednesday. I hope you have a fantastic day and I hope you stop and think about our country, our ways, the world, diversity and love. XOXO
Where to start...
Davey was here this weekend, we had an absolutely fantastic time. I love the kid to death. He needed sunshine and love and happiness and people his age. I needed a refresher some motivation and never say no to the feeling of home cooked love. Ya know. We did so much in such a short time and it was absolutely fantastic.. loved it.
Bin Laden was killed... I found out on facebook from the posts that cheered and cursed and celebrated America. And in all honesty.. I was disgusted. Its not really my thing to come ranting about politics here. I have opinions and I have learned a lot more about politics and injustice and things of that sort since coming to Santa Clara but for some reason that's just not what ends up here. But this time, I dunno I was just unsettled about it. I, like many others, do not know enough about the War on Terrorism, I know the basics, I know Bin Laden was the leader of horrible, painful, inhumane acts and I know that since I was in 5th grade we have been looking for him. I see that there is likely value in putting a stop to his influence, but also... America is not the end all be all because we killed him, and I just dont think we can throw everything in the air, set off fireworks and act as if its all over and we are this amazing country. Not to mention, there is something a little bit off about celebrating, with such lack of poise, often ignorance and just disregard as we did. There is so much more to it and we live in this country that thinks we are so powerful and able and important. That we have the answers and can just step in on others people's business and tell them whats right. We have this pride that to me comes from a place of ignorance and lack of concern for humanity. We have done so much wrong, we have killed and hurt and overstepped and we make so many mistakes. We have so many people suffering right within our own boarders and instead make it our business to step into the affairs of other countries. We think we are the land of the American Dream, we think we breathe and speak equality, we think we are so many things. And really we are flawed and corrupted and are failing so many people. And its so unfortunate to see the murder of a flawed man become more of a reason to celebrate this flawed country, to think of ourselves as bigger and better and to act as if we have solved the worlds problems and are superior to so many others. Sometimes its easy to block off reality, to believe that we are all these things, to celebrate a death... but come on people, step back, open your eyes and take a minute to really think about more than one bloody success.
Im not sure how to tranistion from there.. for some reason that whole thing just really messes with me. I am learning about inequality day after day, about structural failures, about education systems being so flawed that we sit and have circular conversations for hours wondering if we will ever be able to make a change. I spend my days at LUCHA where teachers worry about their kids not doing well on standardized tests because at home they dont speak the language they are forced to learn at school. We are on a high horse and think that America is all right, all the time... that White, Christian, English speakers are the epitome of success and we are so damn ignorant. There is so much beauty in diversity and other cultures. In different languages, traditions, histories. But instead we teach and preach one, degrading the value of others and creating a cycle of whites being successful and powerful and able to exploit, ignore and fail those who do not fit the "mold". Its painful to watch and I just hope that day by day more of us are learning about these structural failures, more of us are opening our eyes to the beauty of others, appreciating humans for our similarities; beating hearts, desires for love and success and excitement, histories, dreams, etc. I hope that the status quoting MLK outdo those stating "F*$k Yeah America". I hope people stop, think, listen and open their minds.
Speaking of beauty of diversity, on Tuesday nights I have the coolest Arrupe in the world. Its called Comida and Conversation. Students from SCU and Spanish speaking community members come together to share a meal and to share our languages with each other. Half hour of speaking in English and half hour in Spanish. We just chat, about whatever we want. Its such an amazing program. Learning and listening and creating these relationships. Breaking boundaries and appreciating differeing lifestyles. Being equals, sharing laughter and fears and hearts. Its fantastic. Lately I crave speaking Spanish. Im ready to start just taking chances, forcing myself to practice and learn and get better. I really love the barriers it can break and love the ability to connect with people who are so often ignored.
Last but not least. I have a nannying job with a beautiful 6 month old baby. Its only about once a week but she is finding her way into my heart. I have such a place in my heart for kids and babies. Their little smiles and curiosity and vulnerability just light up my life. They are soo beautiful and real.. and then we corrupt them. But anyways, we just had such a wonderful day. Playing in the park and the grass. Reading stories. Good for the soul. Reminds me of the hope for the world to learn and open our minds and get over this ridiculousness that we have become.
Happy Wednesday. I hope you have a fantastic day and I hope you stop and think about our country, our ways, the world, diversity and love. XOXO
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