vulnerability

Hello there, happy day!
Despite all I say about this being for me, and all the rambling on and on I do...

I really do want to come here and write beautiful words. I want to inspire people to be and do more, to open their hearts and minds, to see and appreciate all the world has to offer.
I think sometimes I may sound naive or ditzy with my rambles about life being so beautiful.

The thing is, I have found this beauty as a contrast to some struggle. But even more, am aware and still learning of all the struggle and pain that exists in this world.  I have seen and felt hardship. Parts of my heart walk outside of me as strength for people who mean the most.  We talk about privilege a lot here. In so many ways I am so privileged, but my estatic appreciation of this life does not come from a sense of ignorance about the pain that exists. Everyday I look back on some of the ups and downs and am thankful for each of them. When my mama apologizes for the life that she experienced that at times was hard for me, or when I connect with a man at Julianne St over something that I dont often coin as part of my identity, I feel those moments and challenges in my heart, and am forever amazed at how I have arrived at this place of beauty and gratitude and ease.

Some days I feel like staying in bed, and then I beat myself up for not being happy, with a life as good and simple as this one is I should never be complaining. Then I go through the steps of reminding myself that I am human, knocking down my walls of "always smiling" that I spent years building up. And working to allow my soul to be raw and real.

Since coming to Santa Clara I have become so in touch with so many amazing and beautiful new people and things. I have learned about injustices, seen the challenges of communities, opened my eyes to more diversity and structural inequalities, but in some ways I have closed my self off from a world I left behind. There were times in my life where vulnerability was the only option. Mountains of people that saw me in a place where I felt so hurt and so helpless and so confused. And those people lifted me up like the most amazing support group. Friends, relationships, second families that held me and loved me through my learning and growing that come from the challenges that life brought along. And after vulnerability became too normal, Santa Clara called my name and I came running, declared myself as a strong, independent, happy, unweathered woman who was ready to take on the world.

In some ways I have done just that and it has been wonderful for me, running into this and grabbing onto amazing opportunities. I have opened myself to so many things. But I have closed myself to a part of me. I have pushed away the rawness of being vulnerable. Dont get me wrong the life that has gotten me here is forever in my heart and soul, yet so many of the people who are here in this place with me know nothing of that place of me. And in some ways there is a disconnect.

I dont mean to come here and ramble about how beautiful life is and never acknowledge some of the pains. There are pains, struggles, there is life. But amidst all of that there is beauty and love and joy. In the simple things.

I think its about connecting them, and more and more I have found a way to do that. In my conversation with Victor last weekend about a pain we have in common and also a passion we have for equality. In this soul in me that wants to hold and love people in their most vulnerable moments cause I have needed that holding and no doubt will need it sometime again. In my head it is all connected, but I am learning to share that with others.

I want nothing more than to give back to others what this universe has so kindly and lovingly given me. It has given me so many chances to become better, to look deep within me, to surround myself with amazing people to help me find strength and passion and joy. I want to be that to others.
Thats why I blog about how wonderful everything is, and deep down I am wishing I could send this overflowing of love and joy that I have found to others, but in the most sensitive, empathatic and understanding of ways. Cause by no means should the challenges be discounted or overruled by things that are simple and good, because sometimes you need to ride the wave. Feel the pain and confusion to become something of it.

I dont have it all figured out. I see the suffering in the world, in people around me, in so many parts of life. And I also see generosity and love and passion and understanding. I think its a balance that we need to find. So many people disproportionately experience the suffering, while others could use some strife in their life to give them a way to connect to others, an appreciation for all the beauty that is handed to them.

This place is an avenue for thoughts and feelings. And so often I come here to talk about all that is good cause thats easier for me to share with the world. Im going to El Salvador in the fall. A place that has experience more pain than I will ever be able to understand. And from now until then I am going to work on my being vulnerable, because in that place I will have to be and it will be so good. I am so excited for this chance to learn and to give. To share love and passion and struggles. And to be one with a people... cause for some reason in situations like Julianne Street and Comida and Conversation vulnerability comes easier. Something about our society, or maybe just my interpretation of it has made vulnerability unacceptable. I will learn to get that ability back. To open up so other people trust in my ability to listen and understand and care. To be real and raw, because that is the heart and soul of human connections- the reasons for beautiful moments in life and the reason I feel so grateful to be where I am today.

I hope my words are meaningful and not a bunch of ramble jamble. Heres to life and struggles and love and beauty and vulnerability. To being real and present and finding connections in all parts of this life. Thank you for reading and supporting my attempt.
XOXOX