onto week 5..CRAZY

So I always have a lot to say, and no time to say it, then I have time to say it and cant remember what all I wanted to say. Week 4 of college, done. What the heck, how did that happen? We've almost been here for a month. In some ways it feels like we've been here FOREVER and at the same times it feels like we just got here yesterday. Gosh, I love it here.

My classes are getting interesting, past the boring intro and into things that actually make me think. We had a buddhist and islamic speaker in my religion class that were both really cool, make you think, wonder what you agree with kinda speakers. Thats such a better way to learn about differences then through a book. And we are gonna have a lot more, i think she is good at understanding we learn better through real life then just hearing. In my philosophy class we're now reading a book called Guns, Germs and Steal and its about how environment effects the development of cultures, thats pretty cool. I like english, as always and have a problem of talking too much, i just think the subject is really interesting and have a lot of thoughts. Any my sociology teacher is boring but I like the subject. I've been thinking about maybe doing a sociology and english double major. I like those subjects and I think they both study a broad range of things that I am interested in. I'm just not exactly sure what I'd do with it, but people say don't think about that cause you'll either go to grad school or just end up doing some job that may or may not relate to your degree, instead you should do what you love. So...we'll see. Seems like a big decision to choose that major but I've been thinking about it for about a week now, haha, thats a long time for me and my major thoughts.

I've been doing more stuff with SCCAP (Santa Clara Community Action Programs) and i really like it. We did this thing called Kids Club last week where you go to this like house/playground and play with kids who have a parent in prison, help them with their homework and just hang out with them. Its really fun cause they really need you and enjoy your presence. Plus always and forever I just am amazed by the light in the eyes of all children, the world is so much more exciting to them. I watched the girl I tutored sound out words and say them out loud with more pride and excitement than you would ever hear an adult say a word with. It's great, I really enjoy it and am gonna try to go every week. I also went to San Fran the last two Friday's to do Project Open Hand which delivers meals to terminally ill people in the tenderloin and we make sandwiches and pass them out to the homeless. It is an amazing experience seeing into the lives of these people, helping them and becoming comfortable in a place of such strife. The second week was even more rich than the first and I can imagine it will continue like that. The people from school that do both these programs are really awesome which makes it that much better....I love it, everything I wanted is here.

I went to get ice cream (frozen yogurt actually-its a fad here) with Berkeley today, my friend I met through Molly who lives a couple floors up. We haven't hung out forever and it was so nice to spend sometime together. We talked about everything, we have some sort of deeper Colorado connection and just get each other, its great. We talked a little about how my group of friends is super tight and maybe I need to branch out a little and meet some new people. It was so good to get that in my head because its true, there are so many awesome people here and I don't wanna miss out on any awesome friendship. But I have to say my group of friends is amazing, I love them so dearly and we have had some really fun nights just staying in lately which is great.

On the other hand, I miss my crew at home. This weekend is Tiff's birthday and Zachy called me last night when they were all together...Dave, Elyse, Chels, Tiff, Zachy and even Will. A few of them were on speaker phone and I just cried, I felt so bad cause they were having a blast but it just hit me how far away I was and made me so sad I couldn't be there. Then I remembered that I'm here, and as soon as I get home they will still be there and it will be as great as ever and I was better. I love them so much and miss them tons but I know, they, unlike most other people, will always always be a my family and in my world no matter where our paths lead us. Tiff and I talked about her maybe coming to visit, who knows if it will happen but it would be sooo sooo great! And I REALLY hope Zachy and Ese and anyone else in the whole world can come visit in the spring when we aren't gonna have Thanksgiving break to look forward to which I seriously CANNOT wait for.

Today I really wanted to go for a bike ride, for the first time I really missed just having open space and looking at a beautiful view that no one created and that was right out my window everyday. Don't get me wrong its beautiful here and I love it to death but its such a different beauty than home. The scene at home is something I cant explain and miss so very much. I love that place, I really do.

There is something else sooo taking over my head but I dunno what I wanna say about it. I wanna remember the good not the bad, I wanna be friends, make peace, be mature. I dont understand the male species, seriously I dont get it. Its been driving me crazy lately but its getting better, I have to do not think. Thinking just does me NO good and despite what I might think I always feel better when I do...so thats the plan from now on. Ill do what I can and if I dont get some response well at least I tried....

I wish I had a clue what I was doing tonight, everyone is gone, which has actually been nice kinda having a day to do my own thing. Ha, no matter what we do it will be fun though, it always is. Last night we attempted to sleep with 6 people in one bad, that was an epic failure..obviously. Crazies. I love it, SO SO SO SO MUCH! I just have to remember, and try to sleep more, I've still being having a really hard time sleeping. Cause when I think about the hear and the now I am in love with it, its when I think about other stuff that drives me crazy. :), back to some hw, I have sooo much!

Culture...over stimulated?

Today in Sociology we talked about Culture, the professor had us go out and each find something material that we felt represents the culture of Santa Clara, maybe something less well known about the school, that you become apart of once you get here. The culture of Santa Clara is what I was attracted to. Of course only a few people spoke but heres some of what the class came up with...

the library-a place to study, with an emphasis on technology and group learning

the roses- a place of beauty, historical focus, serenity, peacefulness

the sidewalk announcements - unity, activity, care for the environment, excitement

of course we only had time for some but i thought of some other ones

the library terrace- studying, being outside, being together, comfortable, laid back, beautiful views

swig- again unity, excitement, activity, freshmen, craziness

ruff riders t-shirts- unity, excitement, athletics, enjoyment

the trees- serenity, peace, beauty, the environment

the church- jesuits, peace, serenity, spirituality, beauty, community, caring

There are so many things. But the culture of Santa Clara, those are the reasons I came here, and the reasons I am in love with it...community, studying, peace, beauty, excitement, activity, all these things are everything I ever wanted. And I love that when Im sitting in class I just think of how fortunate I am to be here in this world where everything is exactly what I was looking for. Sigh

Despite all that love and joy..haha Im in a little bit of a funny place. Im exhausted today and just feel like there is just too much going on, too many people and I need some me time. Tiff told me to find a me spot on campus and she is so right, I need to get on that. I love the people on my floor so much and I love hanging out with them but sometimes i get tired of them ALWAYS being in my room and not leaving me alone like today when I was trying to nap and study I didnt feel like being bothered, and in some ways its something you can barely get away from. Ill be fine, tomorrow, Im just cranky and tired, and I have little spurts of missing home. But what can you expect. There are like some big things going at home this weekend and next weekend..Ms.Oaks thing and Tiffs bday that I would love to be at so thats kinda hard, but it just is. Sometimes I get stuck in my head thinking about how far away I've put myself but I did this for a reason, and I will always go back there and have those relationships, because the ones that matter are my family, not just my friends. I'm gonna go to the gym and blow some steam, then play some volleyball and maybe do a little searching to find a me spot, cause I am in love with this place, and I might as well do what I can to avoid the little bitty road bumps :)

Miracles, God, Spirituality?

Yesterday I got the email about Ms.Oaks and I cried. Today Katie called me to tell me some great news about her uncle who was thought to have maybe 2 weeks left over 3 months ago and now might have a chance to survive. I read through the entire journal of his journey through his battle with cancer. And I cried. Friends wrote about his challenges, Sean wrote about his joys, his faith, and his love for people. I just talked to Molly, and again talked about Ms.Oaks, her love for us, for life, and everything she gave us, and how much we wish we could give all that back to her kids, who now do not have a mother, who our hearts break for. Katie's uncle has an 8-20% chance of surviving now "its SO much better then 0" she says, that is an understatement, as she herself would agree. That is the best news their family has had since this all hit. And I'm thoughtful

Today we had the Mass of the Holy Spirit, a mass to bless the community for the coming year, I went cause I had to for class, and cause I was interested. All my life we have been "catholic" since I can remember we have only been going to church on Christmas and maybe Easter. I have never really felt it, or got it. Today..I felt it. I was so interested, so compelled byt he feeling of the church. And then again, I thought about Sean and Ms.Oaks, and the ups and downs and miracles of life.

I cant explain Ms.Oaks, I absolutely cannot understand why she should have her life taken away, why her children should have their mother taken away. Maybe its just life, just the medical part of human beings, or maybe there is a higher power. Maybe she needs to teach someone else to love, like she taught us to love and learn and thrive in life. But Sean, he is a miracle, already, and if that 8-20% suffices he is without question a miracle. The teenager who fell out of a truck and blew a .414 and survived is a miracle. Me being here, in this beautiful place, that is a miracle. I dunno about God, I dunno about churches, I dunno about religion. But...I know that I am here, Sean has a chance, Andrew is alive, and miracles like this actually do happen, more then just the ones we know. I also know that today when I was in that church I felt compelled to pray, to hear what they were saying, to be apart of the power of the church, of the religion. I felt compelled to think about religion, even though lots of times i wonder if it creates judgement.

I wish Ms.Oaks could be with her children, I wish people didn't have to suffer, i cant understand that, but for some reason today I feel like there is a bigger power in control of our lives. I dunno if I'll feel the same way tomorrow but Im gonna explore this feeling, I just wanna check it out, think about things like this, not just dismiss them like they do not matter. Spirituality is the center of a lot of peoples lives, the explanation of their world, maybe its time to think about it.

oh life

I have a lot of random thoughts today but first of all..

I got an email about the service they are holding for Ms.Oaks this weekend and it took everything I have to not start bawling. I want to be there so bad, for her, for her family, for all of SHS, and for me. I remember the last day of class, she told us how much she has enjoyed having us and how much we have helped to make her life better and how we have fueled her passion. Does she know how much she gave to us? Does she know how she completely changed our lives, through her presence, how her teaching changed our view of literature, and education in general, and how her compassion made our hearts bigger and more able to give. We were so lucky to have a year with her and even just to have her around the other years we didn't have her and that other people around us had her. My heart breaks for her kids, who will be absolutely wonderful people because of their time with her. But they deserve to have her forever. Sigh, Keely says "I hate cancer"...seriously its terrible. So, since I cant be at the service, that I would give so much to be at, I will be thinking of you Ms.Oaks, and of all of you that are too feeling this loss, of her family, her kids especially, and of the world she blessed with her presence and that will miss her so dearly. Sigh

Its hard to just move onto a new subject after that but...

Susan sent me a picture of my car covered in snow today, and somehow it made me miss home sooo much. I love it here and it is everything I was hoping for, but the comfort of that snow, even my car, that world, all came rushing back and somehow maybe it seemed real. Oh Leadville, I love that place. I told Tiff I missed home and she goes "its ok youll be home in 47 days!" haha, i love her. And seriously I am so excited to be home. Not because I dont wanna be here, but because its home, and the comfort of being back there makes my heart warm, like everything will just be what it always has been and just comfortable, and enough of a reminder that that will always be there for me to keep keepin on here, and lovin this world and that world mutually. I cant wait to see everyone, and sleep in my big bad, and everything. Its gonna be FANTASTIC!!! I CANT FREAKIN WAITTTT!!!!

K finally, back to here. Im doing swim club, cause Lauren talked me into it. And its sooo hard, but sooo good for me. And enjoyable. We started a volleyball team too and our games started Sunday, its just a bunch of fun people so it should be super fun. Im so cozy here, in my bed, in my room, in this world. It feels like home, in a weird different kinda way. Spending the weekend in San Fran was awesome, its sweet that its so accessible, and my brother is there and I can just see him that easily. I love it. Literally everyday I walk around still just in awe at the fact that I am here and it is as amazing as it is. The way it all fell into place just makes it all that much better. And its freakin fantastic. My classes are getting so interesting, like I just wanna listen to what the professor has to say because it makes me think, they are getting a little more difficult..but, what can you expect? There is so much going on, so many awesome opportunities all around me. I love it. And am continuously excited, for everyday.

Actually there is more, I talked to Scotty today forever. And we were talking about our RYLA world, and how its such a different world then our other worlds and how we just want it to all be back together. First of all Scotty is fantastic. But...pretty much the point is we all need to do what were doing, then end up all in the same place, in one big house, or just the same neighborhood, so we can be together all the time. Oh RYLA, i miss you. Its fun to know we will all be back there, and have another run at the amazingness.

Im one lucky girl. This is pretty much about all these great people and things in my life. That have gotten me here, and will get me through the rest of life. I love it, I need to remember it everyday, every minute. Cause its great :)

SCU...a dream come true

I am here, living and loving the life of a college student. I am at my dream school, my first choice, the place that at one point seemed completely out of reach. It is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of. My classes challenge my mind and force me to think about things that I have never before questioned. I have met so many fun and caring and awesome people, my floor is close as can be and spends so much time together. The sun is pretty much always shining. It is absolutely wonderful.

Compared to the world I was living in before, this is like a vacation. The farthest I ever have to go is a maybe ten minute walk, if that. I finally get to worry about me, and focus on my homework and my well being and not worry about if shes ok, or her mess. I have time to spare, to work hard on my homework, to workout, and even to relax. There is no frost on my windshield in the morning, no worry about if I have enough gas, my skin isn't always dry, I'm usually too hot if I wear a hoodie and jeans, not layering up to stay warm, and dresses a very acceptable, simple, and fun option. It's so different, so wonderful, so everything I've ever wanted.

I'm joining swim club with my wonderful neighbor Lauren, getting into Community Service programs helping kids and bringing food to San Francisco. I'm looking into immersion trips for the winter, looking for jobs, learning, and soaking up all the beauty of this place. I can not say this enough, it is EVERYTHING i have ever wanted. I love it here, so much, and know that only more good is to come.

I keep thinking, if everything in my life lead me here, it was all worth it, and even more...it was perfect, if this is what I get in return for all the challenges, hard work, sunshiney moments, for everything. I get to be in a new world, filled with beautiful new things, people, experiences and a new life. I am so lucky, so blessed, so fortunate to be here. My support group is amazing, everyone who's gotten me here...Jesse, my mom, my dad, Ese, Chels, Zachy, Dave, Tiff, Mindy, Liv, the whole world of people who were there for me and a part of my world in all the years that lead to this, thanks, for getting me here. Dont get me wrong I miss those guys, soon enough I'll miss the mountains, my bed, my mom being nearby and home, but this place is too amazing to not grab onto with everything I have. I'm here, and this is exactly where I want and need to be, so while I cherish those relationships, and skype with them and call them and share my journey with them, Im gonna live in the now, here at Santa Clara University, where I dreamt of since I visited in Febuary of Junior year. I love, its perfect, the end.

leaving, letting go, grabbing on, starting new

Tonight is my last night at home, and when I think of it like that it makes me kinda sad. I have lived in this same house for the entire 18 year span of my life, the same little town, with the same group of best friends and have never experienced this moving away thing. And as I pack up my life, and say goodbye to the beauty of the world I have created, the people I love so dearly, and a Colorado flavored life, I think of all the good, a little bit of the bad, and whats next. I have been dreaming of this forever, and I am so happy to be stepping into a huge deep end where I will be fully emerged into a totally new and different world, where I can experience so much that I have not yet encountered, and be challenged in ways I never knew possible, learn things my brain can not yet comprehend, and meet the people who before I know it will become a new branch of my family. Its crazy to know that in a few months that will be the life I will know and will be used to, when right now this life is so incredibly difficult to let go of. I love knowing that what is coming is gonna be absolutely amazing. I am so excited for every piece of it, and so lucky to get the experience I have dreamt and worked towards.

I have said goodbye to so many people, and most importantly my best friends in the entire world who have raised me and gotten me through every bump in the road. Zachy and Ese were so hard, and it breaks my heart to know I will be so far away from them, but I've learned that the best and most important relationships are the ones you can be millions of miles away from and come home and nothing will ever change. Forever and always with them and Dave and Chels and so many others, we will be best friends and it wont change and I am so lucky to have them in my world to guide me through life and hold me up and bring me more joy then I even knew possible.

Then there are the relationships that you know will change, and I guess one after another I will see how easily they truly do change. My heart was broken into a million pieces, by someone who I never thought had it in him. This thing that had been so great, despite a few bumps, suddenly is gone and its hard to know I can loose someone so meaningful so quickly. That I can go from being completely in love, to completely lost and hurt and having so much hate for so quickly. I have never had my heart broken before, and it is a feeling you can only understand if you have experienced it, and I have so much more empathy for those of you who have undeservedly felt the pain of a heartbreak. Im sad I had to loose him like this, someone who meant so much and I had so much respect and care for, just gone, like that. Its so hard and hurts so much. But...with time I will move on and I will be ok and I will grab onto this world so much tighter then I might have before and it will be a better way to transition into my world, and as always I will hold onto the sunshine in my world so that the rainclouds and the unexpected thunderstorms dont stop me from going out there and showing the world what I've got, so here I come, watch out world :)

I am so excited, and full of so many emotions, I will miss this life so much, my house, my mountains, my best friends, my mommy, I really will miss it with all my heart, but I know there are new experiences out there for me to learn and grow from, so i'm gonna go into it ready to soak it all up, and bring it back to share with all of you people who I wish I could take with me...sigh. Goodbye Colorado, Hello California. Here's to a year full of learning, growing, living, dancing, loving and dreaming.

one week

Still writing about leaving, still havent left. Seems like its taking forever, but that doesnt mean I believe it anymore then I did the day I found out I got into Santa Clara. I've started packing, gonna print out some pics for my dorm, down to the last few people to say bye to. Its really real, yet more so unbelievably surreal. As I let go, and say bye to some of the people that hurt the most, I have to remember it is a transition. I love knowing that with most people, the ones who matter so so so much, nothing will change, i will come home and they will be my best friends. Its hard knowing with others things will change. It is a transition, a new part of my world, its not heartbreak, its not goodbye, and I am about to embark on the journey of my dreams. So, I'm gonna try my very best to be excited, even after you leave and I am wishing you were here. Excited for you, excited for me. Cause this is soooo exciting. And I cannot wait for every moment. This leaving thing, as much as its been prolonged, I have been living every moment to the fullest like I never have before, getting the most mileage out of my time, spending quality time with people I wouldn't otherwise. Its a nice feeling. Then Im gonna go to school and do the same. Its gonna be great. GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT!