right where i need to be with some holiday spirit

home has been in the title of so many of my blogs lately. and its kinda confusing. but i got back here, to school, my dorm room, my fantastic friends, second floor swig, palm trees, constant chaos, gym, library, beautiful campus, california, and something felt just right. home was great, dont get me wrong (leadville home), my best friends are there, so many things are there. But right now, this is right where Im supposed to be, and exactly what feels good. When Im in Leadville/ Summit I feel like I have to deal with a lot of life, and when Im here I get to deal with me, and do whatever it is that makes my heart content, no expectations, no drama, no past, just me, being me, and whoever I want to be. Everything fits here, everything Ive been through makes sense, where I'm going makes sense. And when I sit on my couch by the fireplace, while its so comforting and there are soo many amazing things, life gets a little bit confusing, like it was a lot of the times I sat on that couch...so many memories, so many ups and downs, so many whys and what ifs and this and that and just a lot of thoughts. So, while I will continue to love going home cause that is a huge piece of my heart and my world and my family is there and all the things I grew up loving, i will also continue to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And so lucky to come back here where everything feels just right.

And then... today I took a picture with Santa, had my first candy cane, decorated my room and made snowflakes. Christmas music has been playing for a few weeks, Hayley sprayed her cinnamon Christmas smell air freshener. The spirit is in the air and gosh I just love it. I was thinking about all those things as a kid. Sitting on Santa's lap and eating your first candy cane they are such exciting things. Its like a chance to dream of and hope for everything you want and feel a whole lot of love and excitement. You sit on Santa's lap and you feel like the world is yours to dream of and your imagination goes crazy. The elves at the north pole, Santa and his reindeer, all the things you might get for Christmas and the big fat man squeezing down your chimney, you can dream like crazy and when your little nothing gets in the way. You eat your first candy cane of the season and you just anticipate all the yummyness that is to come and all the fun and happiness and spirit and joy, all the things that naturally come along with Christmas and make your heart feel a little fuller. Those are the things we need to hold onto, the things that make us soar when we are little kids, a childlike heart, an imagination, dreams, and simple pleasures. Not just at Christmas but all the time. Especially at Christmas though, the love, the joy, the dreams, and the giving. Member when you were little and made your mom a present and it was the best feeling ever when she opened it with a huge grin on her face, we need to remember that in giving, small simple things, not necesarrily big materialistic things. We should feel the spirit, make snow flakes, dance to Christmas music, take your time making your candy cane as poky as you possibly can, and dream of all the things Santa could bring to you. Maybe now you think of success, happiness, a family, a good job, some fun, whatever it may be and not so much that new doll or the big teddy bear or the AWESOME barbie jeep, but your dreaming, even if it never quite turns out perfect, its the spirit of the season that matters. Family, happiness, joy, giving and the feeling that I cant put into words but you all know exactly what I mean. Make some snowflakes, a Christmas list, decorate your house, light some cinnamon candles and listen to the most enjoyable seasonal music ever and feel it as much as you can. Just enjoy it for the spirit instead of stressing about the craziness, it feels good.

Theres my little early Christmas spiel, its only December 3rd so you have LOTS of time :)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS and Happy Christmas Spirit

P.S. Going to a private Catholic school allows for all the Christmas spirit you want with no worries about being politically correct, I like that, no offense to those who dont celebrate Christmas, its just a fun feeling :)

torn, emotions, toe wiggling, plans

Its 8:09 on Saturday night, I leave tomorrow mornign at 6 am to head back....home? to school, to SCU, to California, to my other life, I'm not sure what to call it. And in that I'm a little torn. Thats the best word I can come up with for how I feel right now. Torn, between too many things. Torn between my two worlds, one here in Colorado and one there in California, so separate, so different, and each equally wondeful. Torn between my two worlds just in this little place, Leadville and Summit, each with great friends and different feelings and different pasts and understandings. Torn between my emotions, so many emotions. Ready to go back, sad to leave, ready to move on, scared to let go, content, discontent, full (of life and friends and love), like i didnt fit enough in. My emotions between torn is normal, for everyone, but I just feel it a lot right now for some silly reason. This is a great place to come back to, and Santa Clara is an amazing place to go back to, I'm really lucky and I think thats why I'm torn.

My emotions are confused. Home holds a lot and it feels complicated for so many reasons. It brings back lots of memories, memories that are gone, and wont come back. But others will come, they always do. Relationships are tough. I'm on the roller coaster of my 2nd relationship come and gone, relationship that mattered, and felt this complicated. Its hard wanting someone to love and take care of you, in a different way then your best friends. Its hard feeling so close to someone and then so far away. Its hard knowing that its right, but feeling like its wrong or at least not easy. Its hard changing, and seeing people change, and its hard saying, yep this is not gonna be easy but I'm gonna hold on and wait til it gets there. Round two is easier though, at least I know I'll get past that. It seems silly to be caught up in that, but it was a big piece of my life. But I know we will come to a place where we are friends, and it feels better and nice, kinda like will now, we are finally to a great place and it feels nice and easy, and I love that.

Mei Ratz, head counselor my RYLA year, has again inspired me. She is amazing. In my funk I went to her blog for some inspiration and it was just what I needed. She talked about doing something everyday that makes your toes wiggle. For her its photography and so many other things. At first I thought wow I really dont know what it is that makes my toes wiggle, then I realized there are so many little things. Good music, writing in this blog, going to the gym, being with friends, helping kids, learning, questioning, being in the sunshine. Sometimes I do those things, and sometimes I forget to do some of them, it was a nice little reminder.

The other part that really clicked for tonight was about plans. And how she had all these plans, and they didnt really happen, and now they could happen but they dont have to be written stone, but rather just come from the flow of life. I think that is such an important thing to live by. Plans change, so maybe its better to not change. I used to talk about how plans changing was all part of the plan, as silly as that is its true, so why plan? I mean to an extent, obviously you have dreams and goals and ideas and thoughts about how it will go, but who says it has to go exactly that way. Life is gonna take you where it takes you, things happen for a reason, I really truly believe that, so why not just let things happen, and try your best to take the hard things with a grain of salt. And hold onto the good things like they are gold, because they are, let those move you, help you fly, and form your life. Cause that is what life is about, forming.

Hmm, this break has been great. I really saw so many people that I wanted to see and enjoyed the stars and the crisp air and my family and my bed and my best friends and so many of things that home has to offer. And now I will go back to my other world to enjoy all the wonderful things that place has to offer, and in less than two weeks I'll be back here for more time to enjoy all of this. So I few things I wanna do when Im back

ski

build a snowman

sled

ice skate

spend the day with cate, ski, drink hot cocoa, talk all night

play with megsy, giggle, watch good movies, make yummy food

have more time with all my friends

more time with mommy

exercise more

be outside more

bundle up and lay under the stars

spend time with friends talking about all of life, for the sake of feeling together

see people who are far away and near by, ryla and young ryla friends, young ryla team, ect

cook yummy healthy home cooked food

bake

curl up with my best friends and watch good movies

give

learn

love

read a good book

take the doggies for a walk

go to the lake

be creative

send love in mail and packages and homemade gifts :)

adventure...EXTRAVAGANZA

and so many more things, not plans, just options ;) haha

I'm better now, this always makes me better. And makes sense of my crazy never stopping head. See you tomorrow Santa Clara, place that has so amazingly become my home, where I used to hope I'd end up. And see you in twelve days Colorado, beautiful mountainly homey love of a world :) thanks for making my toes wiggle :)

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and seriously I have so much to be thankful for so...heres a list of just some things

mom, jesse, dad, all the extended family

zachy, ese, chelsey, dave, will

liv, molly, catie, steph, alyssa, kali

hayley, keely, stella, alex, lauren, mark, ryan, stephen, everyone at school

sooo many more people

mindy, kam, jeremy

all the people who have walked in and out of my life and changed me in some way

SUNSHINE

RYLA

Scotty, Britt, Mikaila, JR, Jess, Molly, Melissa, Andy, Heather, Kelsey, Peter, Gamachu, Kerry, Sarah,David, Rolo, Craig, Patricia, every single counselor and staff

all my kiddos on team H and all the rest of the amazing campers

Leadville

mountains

snow

Summit County Schools

amazing teachers

hard things that made me stronger

Eric Robert Maddex and all that he has given me

miracles

being at Santa Clara

good grades

differences

open mindedness

giving back

homes in so many places

a bed

great food

fun, so much fun

blue sky

stars

delicious water

laughter

inside jokes

music music music

phones and internet that keep me close to people who are far away

the holidays that bring people together

hot tubs

delicious food

hard work

motivation

optimism

compassion

LOVE

time

words

warm clothes

being able to talk about things

growing

changing

learning

questioning

flowers

best friends

pictures

chocolate milk

tea

cozyness

cuddling

back massages

doing nothing sometimes

youth

emotions

fresh air

skiing

volleyball

the gym

the library

books

things to write with

a working healthy body

art

exercise

this list could go on forever, thank you world for giving me so much, thank you for people in my life for giving and constantly being there, i am amazingly blessed and dont go a day without remembering that :) <3

love, so much love

I'm sitting in Borders in Denver. I just spent the afternoon with Britt, my twin from RYLA and I imagine my heart like a blow up ball that has been reinflated. We sat and we just reminisced about RYLA and all its amazingness and all the people and how its changed our lives. God I love that place. We missed everyone, I want so bad for everyone to be together, that is one amazing family. We teared up, just thinking about it, got the chills, laughed so hard thinking about Terry and his wood gathering, and so many things. I miss that place, I cant wait to go back. We talked about how amazingly lucky we are to have been able to go back. As much as going to RYLA as a camper changed my life being a counselor completely turned my life around 180 degrees and is such a big part of me and my world and its absolutely amazing. Wow, it makes my heart flutter. Just that 3 hours with Britt brought it all back, and almost made me just yearn to have it all back more, I cant wait, I cant freaking wait.

I'm going to pick Liv up in a few hours, ahhh Im excited. The past 5 years have been Liv and I doing so much together going through so much life together and being connected at the hip, its been weird being away, i cant freaking wait to be back with her. We are gonna scream and laugh and cry and go crazy. YAYYYY

As if theres not enough going on today. Steph and I went to the highschool today to say hi to people. That was really fun, it was good to see people, and weird to be back there. What a big part of our life that was, so many things happened in that place. Crazy crazy.

I love being home, i have so many places to call home and I seriously couldnt ask for anything better. Everyday I am reminded of how blessed I am. So much love today, Jess and the fam and Zachy will be home tomorrow and Thursday Ese will be here, its all so great. And there is so much love in my life even if it has been a rollercoaster, I have learned so much and have the best support group I could ask for.

We were all talking about if we've changed, I dont think I've changed much, its still me at the core but I feel like I've figured a little bit more out, I've seen more, questioned more, broadened my world more, and will every minute for the rest of my life. I love it. Gosh I love it. It actually kinda freaks me out haha. I miss Scotty, a lot and Jeff comes home tomorrow and that makes me nervous. And Im not censoring that cause its silly. But its all good, so good, and I am a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. So :) I'll just let them happen

home

I'm home. I'm sitting on my couch. Alone. Seriously, this is the first time I've really been alone for two months. Its crazy. And I'm talking to a million people online just to fill the space. But I'm home, I'm freaking home.

Yesterday was a weird day. I was so tired and sick and things just werent as I thought they'd be, of course I was way over analyzing it and mostly things are just right, but the little things stuck out and I was just caught off guard. I live two totally seperate lives right now, and its just hard to wrap my mind around it. It's like I just had a really long dream and now I'm awake and back to this life. Its so surreal and such a weird thing to grasp.

I spent the night with Tiff and the boys and it was nice. Then Tiff stayed and that was even better, we talked forever, about everything, and our heads just match up, and its amazing. Today we just moped around then I went to Summit to see the girls and it was so great. It felt like nothing had changed at all. Other than the new stories, it was still us, sitting on Molly's couch and then going to Giams for pizza, like nothing had changed at all. It was perfect. Then I came home and spent two hours on the couch with Dave, which was also perfect. I miss him like crazy and we had so much to catch up on.

Being with friends made home less weird, it made it feel like we never went away. Like we just fell into everything we always were, none of my inside jokes with people at school came up, and I felt right at home. And all the silly things about each other we're back and we noticed them and it was so nice.

And the stars, the freaking stars are amazing. Even more amazing than they used to be, I had no idea then. They are beautiful and it blows my mind. And the mountains. And the air, it feels so different than the air I know and so crisp and fresh feeling, its amazing. And the water, delicious. Its great. I love it here.

It scares me to think...that this is starting to become less home. I love it here, even more than I knew I did and I dont wanna let go of it. Not that I totally have to but I do a little bit and that feels weird to me. So weird. Kinda like letting go of a lot of other things. I dunno if anyone is good at letting go but I'm definitely not. Weird.

Gosh, my head is starting to go crazy, and Im starting to think about a million things. But its one in the morning and my head hurts and I will think later. But I'm happy to be home. So happy. At first I was really unsure, but its slowly fitting back into place, and feeling more right. So, here's to a week at home, and enjoying this part of my life, while I embrace the rest of my life <3

what am i excited for???

Jes asked what I'm excited for

my bed

the mountains

zachy

ese

mom

chels

tiff

liv

susan and jim

molly

stephy

lara

kali

alyssa

alyssa

davey

a shower without flip flops

my own space

the smell of my house

snow

leadville

bella

my crazy dysfunctional family

the smell of thanksgiving

my fireplace

my couch

zachy's couch

nozawaaa

laughing

telling stories

britt

ryla everyone!

my bed

my doggies

snow

sweatshirts

jackets

cold weather, lots of warm clothes

sledding

hot chocolate

snow angels

food that is not from benson

sleeeeeeppinngggg

leadville water

provin grounds

casa blanca

moms mashed potatoes

doing nothing

laundry in my laundry room

home made french toast

lots of tea

cuddling with the people i love

looking out the window at the heart in elbert

taking a break from constantly meeting and learning

omg the list could go on forever

the feel of leadville, you know what im talking about

home, i am excited for every piece of home, seriously this is so exciting. in 12 hours ill be landing :) yay

home, thanks life

I'm going home in a day and a half. That is insane. I started packing tonight..to go home, that is also crazy. I'm not sure what to pack, I dont know what I wear there, Ive gotten so used to here. I like that Im going home to the comfort of hoodies and jeans and clogs, just a metaphor of all the other comforting things Im going home too. The girls were saying they will have no one to cuddle with. I'm going home to so many people to cuddle with, my Zachy, my favorite to cuddle with. I cant believe I'm actually going. I am so excited.

Tonight we had thanksgiving dinner with our whole floor. It was great. And a perfect way to spend our last night here, so fun and cozy and just happy feeling. I love it here. I love my friends so much. I will miss this place and look forward to coming back. I have two amazing worlds, I really do and I feel so lucky.

Our RYLA campers are planning a get together, they are adorable and we are so proud. It will be great if all get to see each other. I love RYLA so much, wow.

I also got an email from Scotty's mom relaying his message to me in the single letter he could send Sunday. I was so happy to hear from him, even indirectly. I miss him, I'm glad to know he is hanging in there even though I know its tough, there is a journal you can read and it just sounds like they are having a hard time. But hard time doesnt phase Scotty. Hmm.

Its all a little bit of home :)

I'm just happy. So happy with so much to be happy for and so many amazing people in my life to love and be loved by and so many great things going for me. Thanks life :)