torn, emotions, toe wiggling, plans

Its 8:09 on Saturday night, I leave tomorrow mornign at 6 am to head back....home? to school, to SCU, to California, to my other life, I'm not sure what to call it. And in that I'm a little torn. Thats the best word I can come up with for how I feel right now. Torn, between too many things. Torn between my two worlds, one here in Colorado and one there in California, so separate, so different, and each equally wondeful. Torn between my two worlds just in this little place, Leadville and Summit, each with great friends and different feelings and different pasts and understandings. Torn between my emotions, so many emotions. Ready to go back, sad to leave, ready to move on, scared to let go, content, discontent, full (of life and friends and love), like i didnt fit enough in. My emotions between torn is normal, for everyone, but I just feel it a lot right now for some silly reason. This is a great place to come back to, and Santa Clara is an amazing place to go back to, I'm really lucky and I think thats why I'm torn.

My emotions are confused. Home holds a lot and it feels complicated for so many reasons. It brings back lots of memories, memories that are gone, and wont come back. But others will come, they always do. Relationships are tough. I'm on the roller coaster of my 2nd relationship come and gone, relationship that mattered, and felt this complicated. Its hard wanting someone to love and take care of you, in a different way then your best friends. Its hard feeling so close to someone and then so far away. Its hard knowing that its right, but feeling like its wrong or at least not easy. Its hard changing, and seeing people change, and its hard saying, yep this is not gonna be easy but I'm gonna hold on and wait til it gets there. Round two is easier though, at least I know I'll get past that. It seems silly to be caught up in that, but it was a big piece of my life. But I know we will come to a place where we are friends, and it feels better and nice, kinda like will now, we are finally to a great place and it feels nice and easy, and I love that.

Mei Ratz, head counselor my RYLA year, has again inspired me. She is amazing. In my funk I went to her blog for some inspiration and it was just what I needed. She talked about doing something everyday that makes your toes wiggle. For her its photography and so many other things. At first I thought wow I really dont know what it is that makes my toes wiggle, then I realized there are so many little things. Good music, writing in this blog, going to the gym, being with friends, helping kids, learning, questioning, being in the sunshine. Sometimes I do those things, and sometimes I forget to do some of them, it was a nice little reminder.

The other part that really clicked for tonight was about plans. And how she had all these plans, and they didnt really happen, and now they could happen but they dont have to be written stone, but rather just come from the flow of life. I think that is such an important thing to live by. Plans change, so maybe its better to not change. I used to talk about how plans changing was all part of the plan, as silly as that is its true, so why plan? I mean to an extent, obviously you have dreams and goals and ideas and thoughts about how it will go, but who says it has to go exactly that way. Life is gonna take you where it takes you, things happen for a reason, I really truly believe that, so why not just let things happen, and try your best to take the hard things with a grain of salt. And hold onto the good things like they are gold, because they are, let those move you, help you fly, and form your life. Cause that is what life is about, forming.

Hmm, this break has been great. I really saw so many people that I wanted to see and enjoyed the stars and the crisp air and my family and my bed and my best friends and so many of things that home has to offer. And now I will go back to my other world to enjoy all the wonderful things that place has to offer, and in less than two weeks I'll be back here for more time to enjoy all of this. So I few things I wanna do when Im back

ski

build a snowman

sled

ice skate

spend the day with cate, ski, drink hot cocoa, talk all night

play with megsy, giggle, watch good movies, make yummy food

have more time with all my friends

more time with mommy

exercise more

be outside more

bundle up and lay under the stars

spend time with friends talking about all of life, for the sake of feeling together

see people who are far away and near by, ryla and young ryla friends, young ryla team, ect

cook yummy healthy home cooked food

bake

curl up with my best friends and watch good movies

give

learn

love

read a good book

take the doggies for a walk

go to the lake

be creative

send love in mail and packages and homemade gifts :)

adventure...EXTRAVAGANZA

and so many more things, not plans, just options ;) haha

I'm better now, this always makes me better. And makes sense of my crazy never stopping head. See you tomorrow Santa Clara, place that has so amazingly become my home, where I used to hope I'd end up. And see you in twelve days Colorado, beautiful mountainly homey love of a world :) thanks for making my toes wiggle :)