So.. I had this really really great three day weekend planned out. Saturday at the beach, Sunday going to Glide and spendin some time in San Fran and then going up to Tahoe to ski Monday. I was SO stoked. But... instead I woke up Saturday morning coughing my brains out and having a bit of a hard time breathing... later I found out I had bronchitis. So instead of all the fun I had planned I spent most of the weekend in bed trying with all my might to feel better... ughhhh
I have this problem when I get sick where I have such a hard time not doing the things I want to do. I almost still went skiing until my trusty best friend said "Im really concerned about you going skiing" and of course she was right. 4 hours in the car both ways would have been way too much in itself so I decided I'd stay back.
I know I needed to stay in bed this weekend and take care of myself but I just HATE not being able to do the things I want to do. I hate being forced to stay in bed instead of playing outside and adventuring and exercising and just being a normal human being. And this cough has been fighting me for over a month now and frankly Im really sick of it.
But. Im really hoping it will go away REALLY soon. And instead of being frusterated about all the things I didnt get to do (or more just a way to hide that frusteration) I need to think about the good things I did do like Search Small Group Dinner at Jasmine, Friday Night Lights, Sunset at the Beach, some quality time with my besties who stayed by my side through all of the coughing and sleeping and utter boringness that I was this weekend, some homework (i mean not really but a little) and.. thats really all. But a resting weekend is good. And there are more weekends for loads of fun and adventures and this body of mine really needs to get better so I can play and run and jump and be outside and do all the things I should be doing sooner than later!
Hope you all had a wonderful and healthy three day weekend :)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
things that are just plain RAD!
So.. I just wanted to tell you about a few really super duper RAD things. Things in my life that have had me walking on sunshine lately, figured it'd be polite to share the love, ya know...
1. Life... but thats a given.. seriously though
2. When life gets really scary for amazing people, and hands get dealt that seem absolutely insane, and you have no choice but to hold on real tight.. its rad when a friend who is in that place calls and says "Im happy, life is good, Im not stressed and Im just taking it all in"... that is some serious positive outlook and courage. Life is full of scary stuff, but that right there, thats how we get through it. Props to you Kelsey Guyette, you are beyond rad.
3. A really cool part of my family whose path is leading them to do something bigger than themselves and to give back to the world. My cousins Bryan and Laurie have 3 boys... they are already rock stars. The middle boy Chase came with an extra chromosome and filled their house with just that much more love and acceptance and amazingness. They have decided to adopt a little boy Chase's age from the Ukraine. He too has an extra chromosome and is living in a place that hasn't yet developed in that realm to give him what he needs. So through the will of some higher power, courage, amazingness and love, these already out of this world parents are gonna bring even more love (and lets be honest... a little bit more chaos) into their house. If you wanna check out how rad they are go to addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com. Trust me they rock.
4. Yoga- sooo good for the soul, and a really awesome deal at a near by yoga studio makes it just that much better
5. REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome friends. Nuff said
6. Dancing, singing and laughing til 3 in the morning.. I love you SCCAPERS
7. Young RYLA planning
8. SKIING.. Tahoe pass and new skis are waiting for me, so stoked to have more winter in my winter this year!
9. Education and Mentoring SCCAP department, awesome people who see all the potential and challenges that are out there and who wanna make it known.
10. Rice cookers and their ability to cook me deliciously healthy and fresh meals right in the comfort of my own dorm... see ya later nasty oily make my tummy hurt Benson food.
11. Classes that make my brain work a little harder but in a way that I loooveee... not in a way that puts me to sleep.
12. One step closer to El Salvador this fall and the feeling of pure excitement mixed with a little terror... its gotta be good when it can have the two of those mixed to such a t
13. Three day weekends :)
And sooo many more things
I really hope that you can make a big ol list of things you think are rad... because again and again I will say this "I am forever amazed by the scariness and beauty of this life and how the universe opens you up to both as a reminder to live better every single day"... thats my new motto. Its just all to bone chillingly scary and amazing, heart breaking but also making my heart soar... insane in a way I cant wrap my mind around it sorda thing. Your rad too... go walk on some sunshine!
XOXO
1. Life... but thats a given.. seriously though
2. When life gets really scary for amazing people, and hands get dealt that seem absolutely insane, and you have no choice but to hold on real tight.. its rad when a friend who is in that place calls and says "Im happy, life is good, Im not stressed and Im just taking it all in"... that is some serious positive outlook and courage. Life is full of scary stuff, but that right there, thats how we get through it. Props to you Kelsey Guyette, you are beyond rad.
3. A really cool part of my family whose path is leading them to do something bigger than themselves and to give back to the world. My cousins Bryan and Laurie have 3 boys... they are already rock stars. The middle boy Chase came with an extra chromosome and filled their house with just that much more love and acceptance and amazingness. They have decided to adopt a little boy Chase's age from the Ukraine. He too has an extra chromosome and is living in a place that hasn't yet developed in that realm to give him what he needs. So through the will of some higher power, courage, amazingness and love, these already out of this world parents are gonna bring even more love (and lets be honest... a little bit more chaos) into their house. If you wanna check out how rad they are go to addingtothemaddness.blogspot.com. Trust me they rock.
4. Yoga- sooo good for the soul, and a really awesome deal at a near by yoga studio makes it just that much better
5. REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome friends. Nuff said
6. Dancing, singing and laughing til 3 in the morning.. I love you SCCAPERS
7. Young RYLA planning
8. SKIING.. Tahoe pass and new skis are waiting for me, so stoked to have more winter in my winter this year!
9. Education and Mentoring SCCAP department, awesome people who see all the potential and challenges that are out there and who wanna make it known.
10. Rice cookers and their ability to cook me deliciously healthy and fresh meals right in the comfort of my own dorm... see ya later nasty oily make my tummy hurt Benson food.
11. Classes that make my brain work a little harder but in a way that I loooveee... not in a way that puts me to sleep.
12. One step closer to El Salvador this fall and the feeling of pure excitement mixed with a little terror... its gotta be good when it can have the two of those mixed to such a t
13. Three day weekends :)
And sooo many more things
I really hope that you can make a big ol list of things you think are rad... because again and again I will say this "I am forever amazed by the scariness and beauty of this life and how the universe opens you up to both as a reminder to live better every single day"... thats my new motto. Its just all to bone chillingly scary and amazing, heart breaking but also making my heart soar... insane in a way I cant wrap my mind around it sorda thing. Your rad too... go walk on some sunshine!
XOXO
Sunday, January 9, 2011
the place of my soul
Im home. Im laying in my bed with freshly cleaned sheets. With pretty lights and wonderful decorations around me. In this room that I have made mine and fits my soul just where it is right now. That has a map for me to dream of traveling. Pictures of life with all of the most important people. Quotes that remind me why I live everyday. And all things that are me.
I spent the weekend on my terms. With amazing friends. I served meals to people in the Tenderloin on Friday night and made a delicious homemade dinner with awesome friends afterwards. I danced and sang and laughed with my best friends on Friday night and wasted all of Saturday away vegging. I had amazing dates with two of my best friends last week and we talked about all things life. All the things that are confusing and amazing and different. All the things that happened at home and how they all fit into my heart and theirs. And how being back here feels right.
I called my mama crying on Monday night... and everyday after that. I talked to my best friend today. I cried for hurt that happens to people that are so amazing and searched deep inside to find words of wisdom for something that is absolutely unfair and makes no sense. I questioned life and my beliefs. I sent my love through the phone and promised I would do whatever I could from this far away... and far away it felt. I worked on Young RYLA through the phone and forever wish that I could have more face time with my lovely team.
I got an acceptance email to go to El Salvador next fall and looked at a house to live in next year. I went to my first day of classes in a new quarter and was excited about every single one of them.
I am back to this life that makes me feel so good. That makes my brain and my heart work hard. Where I work to be whole and take care of me in all the ways I have found that make me go. I miss home and was sad to say goodbye but I am learning to mesh my lives. Or actually not really but learning what fits where. Life is good. It is scary and hard and confusing too. But deep down it is good and there is so much that we have control of to make it that way, which is the most important thing to remember when scary things out of our control happen. Take care of yourself. Love the people around you. Feel whole. And cherish every moment that you have happy, healthy and alive on this wonderful, scary mess of a planet. We are all luckier than we will ever understand. Xoxoxo
I spent the weekend on my terms. With amazing friends. I served meals to people in the Tenderloin on Friday night and made a delicious homemade dinner with awesome friends afterwards. I danced and sang and laughed with my best friends on Friday night and wasted all of Saturday away vegging. I had amazing dates with two of my best friends last week and we talked about all things life. All the things that are confusing and amazing and different. All the things that happened at home and how they all fit into my heart and theirs. And how being back here feels right.
I called my mama crying on Monday night... and everyday after that. I talked to my best friend today. I cried for hurt that happens to people that are so amazing and searched deep inside to find words of wisdom for something that is absolutely unfair and makes no sense. I questioned life and my beliefs. I sent my love through the phone and promised I would do whatever I could from this far away... and far away it felt. I worked on Young RYLA through the phone and forever wish that I could have more face time with my lovely team.
I got an acceptance email to go to El Salvador next fall and looked at a house to live in next year. I went to my first day of classes in a new quarter and was excited about every single one of them.
I am back to this life that makes me feel so good. That makes my brain and my heart work hard. Where I work to be whole and take care of me in all the ways I have found that make me go. I miss home and was sad to say goodbye but I am learning to mesh my lives. Or actually not really but learning what fits where. Life is good. It is scary and hard and confusing too. But deep down it is good and there is so much that we have control of to make it that way, which is the most important thing to remember when scary things out of our control happen. Take care of yourself. Love the people around you. Feel whole. And cherish every moment that you have happy, healthy and alive on this wonderful, scary mess of a planet. We are all luckier than we will ever understand. Xoxoxo
Sunday, December 26, 2010
it feels like laughter and love
Merry Christmas. Happy December 26th. My heart and soul are full and happy. I'm sleeping on the couch next to the fireplace and the lit Christmas tree and it feels just right.
Coming home is a little bit of a process for me. A stark contrast from what has become home and sometimes a bit of a slow transition. But then I get in the swing of things. Friends start coming home. Life and festivities and fitting things in come back full swing and Christmas puts the icing on the cake.
Christmas Eve festivities with part of my Leadville crew. Good food and laughter and catching up. Jokes and an understanding that we will forever have.
Then a late night drive down to family, jamming to NSync and Aaron Neville Christmas. Singing, remembering Christmas eves dancing with my brother in the living room and taking a moment to soak it all up.
Then comes family Christmas. Loud, crazy, semi dysfunctional, hilarious, and overflowing with copious amounts of love and understanding and thankfulness. Good food and good company, late nights, early morning and all the quirks that nobody else can quite understand. And... it feels wonderful. It feels like home.
There are times in your life where "family" and "home" get a little bit confusing. And your heart aches to understand where they fit and fights about what they are and what they arent. When you wonder what your supposed to want and need and what you should be doing or wanting to do on your own. You try to figure out how much concern is the right amount and you go through phases of knowing inside and out and sometimes feeling lost from the people who have been through the most with you. Then on days like Christmas you forget and remember all at the same time cause it just is. Family and love and home. It feels like laughter and inside jokes, story telling, cheers, food passing and a wholleee lot of lovin. So... during those moments I try to soak it all up, so that I can feel it and love it and get it even when it doesnt quite fit.
Merry Christmas all, I hope yours felt right and like home. I hope there was love and some dysfunction and lots of laughter. And I hope all feels right in the world to you, even if just for a moment...xoxox
Coming home is a little bit of a process for me. A stark contrast from what has become home and sometimes a bit of a slow transition. But then I get in the swing of things. Friends start coming home. Life and festivities and fitting things in come back full swing and Christmas puts the icing on the cake.
Christmas Eve festivities with part of my Leadville crew. Good food and laughter and catching up. Jokes and an understanding that we will forever have.
Then a late night drive down to family, jamming to NSync and Aaron Neville Christmas. Singing, remembering Christmas eves dancing with my brother in the living room and taking a moment to soak it all up.
Then comes family Christmas. Loud, crazy, semi dysfunctional, hilarious, and overflowing with copious amounts of love and understanding and thankfulness. Good food and good company, late nights, early morning and all the quirks that nobody else can quite understand. And... it feels wonderful. It feels like home.
There are times in your life where "family" and "home" get a little bit confusing. And your heart aches to understand where they fit and fights about what they are and what they arent. When you wonder what your supposed to want and need and what you should be doing or wanting to do on your own. You try to figure out how much concern is the right amount and you go through phases of knowing inside and out and sometimes feeling lost from the people who have been through the most with you. Then on days like Christmas you forget and remember all at the same time cause it just is. Family and love and home. It feels like laughter and inside jokes, story telling, cheers, food passing and a wholleee lot of lovin. So... during those moments I try to soak it all up, so that I can feel it and love it and get it even when it doesnt quite fit.
Merry Christmas all, I hope yours felt right and like home. I hope there was love and some dysfunction and lots of laughter. And I hope all feels right in the world to you, even if just for a moment...xoxox
Saturday, December 18, 2010
home...
Oh home... that word just sounds so weird lately, and more and more so as the time goes by. Ive been home for over a week now. Its been good. Its been hard. I've laughed and cried and skiied and played and picked RYLA JC's and watched my sweet Kamryn Rae dance. I've had spurts of seeing friends and I've spent a fair amount of time with myself. I've read an entire book. Been to Boulder, Conifer and Fort Collins... and for some reason, Im just here.
Home is never as simple as it should be. Sometimes it hurts hard. It makes for tired, red eyes and a reminder of the misunderstandings I faced all those years. But... in its own way also reminds me all that I have made out of it. Of all the memories. All the amazing people. All the ups and downs and ins and outs. And for some reason... it puts me into a little bit of a just go with the flow and be mode. Maybe cause thats what living at home and being in school pre college means. Going with the flow, getting by just how you are supposed to and in some weird way doing what you are told you should do.
Then you go to college. And you make your own rules. Your own moods. Your own opinions and choices. You make your own life. You start to care about things you didn't before, you find ways to make yourself go, you pick your friends and have conversations that are so meaningful and you start to learn whats really important, what really matters. And maybe thats why when I come home... I just sorta feel like I sit back and take it all in. Hayley said tonight "I'm not really carpe dieming anything right now"... I should be, and maybe now that people are coming home and things might pick up I will more, or maybe I will see the people and enjoy my time and love these mountains, but Ill do it feeling like I didnt go away and things havent changed and Carpe Diem isnt part of my everyday life.
I love pieces of here I really do. I love the mountains out my window. And the time to relax. And the forever lasting love. The best friends. Family. Sweet Kamryn Rae. The driving and craziness. My bed. Provin Grounds. I love it...but there are also parts of it that dont fit in just how I'd like them to, so when I come, I have learned to enjoy the good parts and try with all my might to let the rest go. But, for the sake of how much there is to love here Im gonna try to take it all in, to enjoy it, to love it, to get out of it all that I can. Cause it will be over soon. And Ill be happy to be back.
But... forever I will miss it. And I will watch how things change and even with the overflowing of joy and excitement in my heart there will still be that ping of learning to let go and learning how to mesh it. Cause change... its the craziest thing. And to quote another of Hayley and I's genius epiphany's "this life thing is the craziest thing I have ever experienced"
Here's to a break full of love and joy and carpe diem. To letting myself find my way back into home the first week and spending the next enjoying all there is to love. Happy Holidays! XOXO
Home is never as simple as it should be. Sometimes it hurts hard. It makes for tired, red eyes and a reminder of the misunderstandings I faced all those years. But... in its own way also reminds me all that I have made out of it. Of all the memories. All the amazing people. All the ups and downs and ins and outs. And for some reason... it puts me into a little bit of a just go with the flow and be mode. Maybe cause thats what living at home and being in school pre college means. Going with the flow, getting by just how you are supposed to and in some weird way doing what you are told you should do.
Then you go to college. And you make your own rules. Your own moods. Your own opinions and choices. You make your own life. You start to care about things you didn't before, you find ways to make yourself go, you pick your friends and have conversations that are so meaningful and you start to learn whats really important, what really matters. And maybe thats why when I come home... I just sorta feel like I sit back and take it all in. Hayley said tonight "I'm not really carpe dieming anything right now"... I should be, and maybe now that people are coming home and things might pick up I will more, or maybe I will see the people and enjoy my time and love these mountains, but Ill do it feeling like I didnt go away and things havent changed and Carpe Diem isnt part of my everyday life.
I love pieces of here I really do. I love the mountains out my window. And the time to relax. And the forever lasting love. The best friends. Family. Sweet Kamryn Rae. The driving and craziness. My bed. Provin Grounds. I love it...but there are also parts of it that dont fit in just how I'd like them to, so when I come, I have learned to enjoy the good parts and try with all my might to let the rest go. But, for the sake of how much there is to love here Im gonna try to take it all in, to enjoy it, to love it, to get out of it all that I can. Cause it will be over soon. And Ill be happy to be back.
But... forever I will miss it. And I will watch how things change and even with the overflowing of joy and excitement in my heart there will still be that ping of learning to let go and learning how to mesh it. Cause change... its the craziest thing. And to quote another of Hayley and I's genius epiphany's "this life thing is the craziest thing I have ever experienced"
Here's to a break full of love and joy and carpe diem. To letting myself find my way back into home the first week and spending the next enjoying all there is to love. Happy Holidays! XOXO
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
places of love, acceptance and joy
HELLO! Happy December 7th! Happy I GO HOME IN TWO DAYS! Happy 1 MORE FINAL! Woot woot. I am in GREAT spirits today. For so many reasons. I am SO excited to come home to that little land of wonderful that I am so lucky to call home. To my big huge family that has taken care of me for the last 19 years. To snow. To relaxing. To RYLA planning. To so many things. Im just excited... you get the just of it.
The last few days I have had a couple of those moments of unutterable fulfillment.. moments where my heart was soaring, and all the world's problems were at peace for that moment.Moments of love, joy and acceptance, the things that we should be living by, that we should be connected by, that we should be soaring all the time because of.
1. Special Olympics Dance on Saturday night. About 50 athletes and their parents came and got their groove on for their Holiday party here at SCU. We SCCAPers hosted them, and danced the night away with them. It was more fun that you could ever imagine having at a dance, and easily the best Saturday night this year. No reserves. No Im cooler than you. No worrying about what other people think. Just fun and joy and some serious dance skills. Dance skills like you have never seen, confidence and excitment and an outpouring of love that is so dang special. Seriously... its amazing
2. Glide service Sunday morning. Glide is the church in Pursuit of Happyness, in the middle of the tenderloin (the roughest part of SF) and THE single most amazing church service I have ever experienced. It was all about love and joy and acceptance and equality. All the things that every single church should be preaching. Singing, dancing, laughing and loving life... with people who live lives most of us could never imagine. The reverend didn't just read from the bible, he read from the Torah and a couple other texts. We said amen, shalom, namaste, rock on. We threw our hands in the air. We started out the service hugging everyone around us. And I teared up about seven million times at the amount of joy and love, in a place where people have so little they love and enjoy so much. The world should take a lesson from these people. Again.. seriously mind blowing.
3. My run this morning. My ipod stopped working so I ran in silence. Its sunnier out than its been for a while. And I ran to a nature place. I am not sure what it is, some sort of religious area.. with a church like building surrounded by nature. Peace, quiet, growth, organic landscape and a whole lot of beauty. I walked through in silence, taking it all in. Nature is an amazing thing. Where trees curl around each other and grass grows every which way. A place where you stop looking at the flaws because it is just real and organic and it feels SO dang good. I miss that. And I am so very excited to get back to it in a couple days.
Dear universe, you are a freakin rock star. Thanks for this out of this world life.
Remind me to tell you about my paper on immigration...interesting stuff.
Happy day, hope you are smiling and loving and living right.
xoxoxox
The last few days I have had a couple of those moments of unutterable fulfillment.. moments where my heart was soaring, and all the world's problems were at peace for that moment.Moments of love, joy and acceptance, the things that we should be living by, that we should be connected by, that we should be soaring all the time because of.
1. Special Olympics Dance on Saturday night. About 50 athletes and their parents came and got their groove on for their Holiday party here at SCU. We SCCAPers hosted them, and danced the night away with them. It was more fun that you could ever imagine having at a dance, and easily the best Saturday night this year. No reserves. No Im cooler than you. No worrying about what other people think. Just fun and joy and some serious dance skills. Dance skills like you have never seen, confidence and excitment and an outpouring of love that is so dang special. Seriously... its amazing
2. Glide service Sunday morning. Glide is the church in Pursuit of Happyness, in the middle of the tenderloin (the roughest part of SF) and THE single most amazing church service I have ever experienced. It was all about love and joy and acceptance and equality. All the things that every single church should be preaching. Singing, dancing, laughing and loving life... with people who live lives most of us could never imagine. The reverend didn't just read from the bible, he read from the Torah and a couple other texts. We said amen, shalom, namaste, rock on. We threw our hands in the air. We started out the service hugging everyone around us. And I teared up about seven million times at the amount of joy and love, in a place where people have so little they love and enjoy so much. The world should take a lesson from these people. Again.. seriously mind blowing.
3. My run this morning. My ipod stopped working so I ran in silence. Its sunnier out than its been for a while. And I ran to a nature place. I am not sure what it is, some sort of religious area.. with a church like building surrounded by nature. Peace, quiet, growth, organic landscape and a whole lot of beauty. I walked through in silence, taking it all in. Nature is an amazing thing. Where trees curl around each other and grass grows every which way. A place where you stop looking at the flaws because it is just real and organic and it feels SO dang good. I miss that. And I am so very excited to get back to it in a couple days.
Dear universe, you are a freakin rock star. Thanks for this out of this world life.
Remind me to tell you about my paper on immigration...interesting stuff.
Happy day, hope you are smiling and loving and living right.
xoxoxox
Friday, December 3, 2010
living, peace and the big picture
Its crazy how life flies by.
Its crazy how you go through the motions and suddenly its the end of the week. The month or the quarter.
Time is one of those things that I just cannot and will not ever be able to grasp. And one of the reasons I try really hard to love every moment, cause when I don't, before I know it, those moments are gone.
Im laying in bed with Christmas lights lighting up my room and Christmas music playing. Happy as can be to be in on a Friday night. To have plans to watch a Christmas movie with friends. To have a weekend of studying and paper writing but also lots of good things ahead of me.
I have found myself over and over again this quarter getting a little caught up in the mundane. Some might call it the sophomore slump. Others an attitude problem. Or maybe just part of life.
Its funny how you figure yourself out some days, and other days you just cant understand why you feel one way and not another. Lots of times I think I know myself pretty well, what makes me go, what I need to do to feel motivated and excited and like life is wonderful. But sometimes I just hit a wall and have to search a little deeper to pull myself out of it.
But the best thing about it.. is once I do pull myself out of that silly slump I feel like life is just THAT MUCH BETTER!
Im going home on Thursday. And its one of those things that just slaps me in the face and shows me how much things change. Im excited, I am ... for so many things. But also, some part of me feels like this is home. And this is MY life... and that is some other girls life. Some other girl who I dont know very well these days. And who everytime I go home I reunite with, but something about it is just still a little different. And more and more each time.
Its a funny thing. Change. Time. Growing up. Wonderful and scary and so many things all at the same time. And so much of the time it just goes, and you forget to stop and appreciate. But then there are times like right now. Sitting alone with Christmas lights around me and feeling completely at peace with myself and my life, even if there is all sorts of chaos and stress and excitement and so many things going around in my head.. stopping and just being with me reminds me that the change and time and growing up, deep down its still me.
The me that loves my family and best friends with every piece of my heart. That is excited about every day of life at Santa Clara but also has SUCH a huge place in my heart for home, winter, fireplaces and that small town. For all the people there and the memories and the familiar. The me that wants to do so much, but likes to just be sometimes. The me that doesn't need to be here or there to be happy, that can love pieces of each, that can find the good in so many things, that loves all the pieces of my life that have gotten me where I am and that can get in touch with all sides of me to keep the me who is really me here and alive and excited and LIVING not just existing. The me that doesn't need to get caught up in all the little things that are all too easy to let get to me, but instead can see the big picture and love it for what it is.
So... through the paper writing and final studying. Through the going home and dealing with how the change, and sometimes lack of change fits into my heart and my place in this world, I will remind myself of how good this life is as a whole and how dang unimportant the little things are. And of all the ways I can pull myself out of that funk.
Happy December world. Happy Christmas lights and music and cheer and joy and family and giving season. Feel it, take it all in. And find some time for peace and quiet. To spend with you, and get back in touch with the inner peace, that makes the outter chaos a little easier to navigate.
See you soon Colorado family <3
Its crazy how you go through the motions and suddenly its the end of the week. The month or the quarter.
Time is one of those things that I just cannot and will not ever be able to grasp. And one of the reasons I try really hard to love every moment, cause when I don't, before I know it, those moments are gone.
Im laying in bed with Christmas lights lighting up my room and Christmas music playing. Happy as can be to be in on a Friday night. To have plans to watch a Christmas movie with friends. To have a weekend of studying and paper writing but also lots of good things ahead of me.
I have found myself over and over again this quarter getting a little caught up in the mundane. Some might call it the sophomore slump. Others an attitude problem. Or maybe just part of life.
Its funny how you figure yourself out some days, and other days you just cant understand why you feel one way and not another. Lots of times I think I know myself pretty well, what makes me go, what I need to do to feel motivated and excited and like life is wonderful. But sometimes I just hit a wall and have to search a little deeper to pull myself out of it.
But the best thing about it.. is once I do pull myself out of that silly slump I feel like life is just THAT MUCH BETTER!
Im going home on Thursday. And its one of those things that just slaps me in the face and shows me how much things change. Im excited, I am ... for so many things. But also, some part of me feels like this is home. And this is MY life... and that is some other girls life. Some other girl who I dont know very well these days. And who everytime I go home I reunite with, but something about it is just still a little different. And more and more each time.
Its a funny thing. Change. Time. Growing up. Wonderful and scary and so many things all at the same time. And so much of the time it just goes, and you forget to stop and appreciate. But then there are times like right now. Sitting alone with Christmas lights around me and feeling completely at peace with myself and my life, even if there is all sorts of chaos and stress and excitement and so many things going around in my head.. stopping and just being with me reminds me that the change and time and growing up, deep down its still me.
The me that loves my family and best friends with every piece of my heart. That is excited about every day of life at Santa Clara but also has SUCH a huge place in my heart for home, winter, fireplaces and that small town. For all the people there and the memories and the familiar. The me that wants to do so much, but likes to just be sometimes. The me that doesn't need to be here or there to be happy, that can love pieces of each, that can find the good in so many things, that loves all the pieces of my life that have gotten me where I am and that can get in touch with all sides of me to keep the me who is really me here and alive and excited and LIVING not just existing. The me that doesn't need to get caught up in all the little things that are all too easy to let get to me, but instead can see the big picture and love it for what it is.
So... through the paper writing and final studying. Through the going home and dealing with how the change, and sometimes lack of change fits into my heart and my place in this world, I will remind myself of how good this life is as a whole and how dang unimportant the little things are. And of all the ways I can pull myself out of that funk.
Happy December world. Happy Christmas lights and music and cheer and joy and family and giving season. Feel it, take it all in. And find some time for peace and quiet. To spend with you, and get back in touch with the inner peace, that makes the outter chaos a little easier to navigate.
See you soon Colorado family <3
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