It's 1:32am and I am working an overnight shift at CWU- the place I wrote about in my last blog. I had big plans to get lots of work done tonight- but I'm too tired to make my brain work. I've been meaning to blog and this week was so full- there wasn't a second for it, and even when there was I got caught up trying to figure out what exactly to write about. But maybe my sleepy brain will just let me write.. and not think. Bare with me- I'm half here.
I just read some silly Buzz Feed thing called "21 things you only know if you've been best friends for 10 years" and I shamelessly posted it on Elyse's wall- we have been blowing up social media with our excessive best friend love since we got to spend the most wonderful long weekend together in Austin. Elyse came into this world a little less than a year before me, my mama was in the room with her mama, then we went to daycare together and fought over my little ponies, we ski raced, swam in the lake, jumped on the trampoline, lived in each others houses and shared all things life and then when she moved away we became incredible at having a long distance friendship. We haven't lived in the same town since we were in 1st/2nd grade- that is SO many years ago. But she has been on the other end of the phone for every joy, hurt, fear, love, decision and question. We have met in the middle, driven hours to each other, taken planes and found ways to hold on tight to what we were so lucky to build when we were too young to know it was building. And Spring Break together was the best. Last year in El Salvador we decided with the way life is changing we need to take a trip somewhere together at least once a year- its too hard to get enough time when I'm home and we know how much we value our time. This trip to Austin to be with Dave was the first of those trips- and it couldn't have reaffirmed more what a great idea it is, how strong our friendship is and how lucky we are to have had each other forever and to know we will have each other forever.
There is not a moment in my life or a part of my heart that Elyse doesn't know and this trip we really got to bring all the pieces together- catch each other up on what has been happening in our worlds that sometimes seem far away. She helped me make sense of it all- and how it connects to my core. I have had so many conversations lately with friends about this whole "twentysomething stage". A time that feels big and important and exciting and scary and full of questions. When we were little I think we imagined ourselves at this stage in life with it all figured out- and so many of us agree that we are maybe more aware than ever of how much we don't have figured out. Mostly because for the first time the world is ours to make decisions about- no more somewhat planned out trajectory, no more permanent town, school, class, major, etc to define ourselves by- just us and the open road, deciding whats important.
Being with Elyse reminded me of who I am. We talked about everything under the sun. We laughed until we cried all weekend. We reminisced on the past- missing some things and grateful that others are in the past, we dreamed of the future and we felt such comfort in knowing that through it all we have each other- what a huge gift.
That was the theme of my Spring Break.. being with such amazing friends who know the deepest parts of me and are so very easy to be with. Elyse and I got to stay with Dave and see his world- laugh and play and bask in the comfort of being with friends you've known for too many years to count. Before that I was in Philly with 5 of my Casa sisters and it felt like no time had passed. I was like a kid in a candy shop the whole week- so overly joyful and content in every simple moment. Sitting on the porch eating breakfast in the sun, late night chats, roaming the streets of Philly and Austin, playing games, catching up over drinks and just feeling SO VERY RELAXED. I think a lot of that was because it felt so different than the every day here- which is so many good things, but is challenging and still new and stressful. I needed a break. I needed to be with people who know me really well and can help remind me when I feel a little confused. Spaces to just talk about all things life for hours- instead of 5 minute conversations before running to class. It was really the perfect Spring Break and as always exactly what I didn't know what I needed.
I came back feeling full, in touch, integrated and so very grateful for my friends, the space to reflect and process, the laughter, the relaxation. The beginning of this semester felt a little rocky- rocky in making sense of who I am especially in light of these degrees, communities and huge questions. I remember who I am again- and am reminded how important it is to continue to invest in new friendships and let them blossom knowing they all have the potential to become spaces that remind of whats important. I'm so lucky to have people in my life that know me so well- and who I don't ever have to explain things to because they were there the whole time- but I also know that its worth sharing my story and my heart with new people- because that's how the people closest to me have gotten so close.
I feel a brewing inside of continued integration and formation, investing in people here, opening myself to what sometimes feels scary or just a little less than comfortable. That's where good things come from. The first week back was jarring- we work hard and move fast here. But we are so privileged to be using our brains, surrounded by such caring, intelligent people and challenged every single day to make a little more sense of the world.
I hope to find some more balance so that Spring Break and every day life don't have to feel like complete opposites. And til then I'm grateful for the jet pack of energy and love I got from a week off.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
Integration through Encounter
Last week I had an interview for a position as a mentor on an immersion trip. I felt so at home talking about my time in El Salvador, the importance of entering into someone else's reality and out of our own and how it is in relationships where we are moved to look more closely at who we are in this world, what our role is and what we want to commit our lives to. I reminisced about my first immersion trips at Santa Clara and my experience at Casa as a student when my whole world was rocked open. It was then that I knew I wanted to commit my life to serving, celebrating the dignity and humanity of every single person, finding a way to voice the experience of those whose voices aren't heard and fighting for justice. But that was also the point that I came to know myself in a new way- the space they created for me to see what humanity was- that we are so similar even if our realities are so different. And in the midst of the rawness of their vulnerability and existence- I came to understand mine more fully.
A group of STM students are going to El Salvador for an immersion trip next week and I was telling someone yesterday how excited I am for them to find something there about themselves too. Because while the experience of engaging in a reality so different than our own is one of seeing how much we have in the comforts of our privileged life, reevaluating what we need, giving us perspective... it is so much more than that. Something moves within you when you go outside of yourself, your comfort zone, your routine. Something that I cannot prescribe for anyone else because it is so personal and individual but incredibly profound. I watched it move through every single one of my students last semester and have come to realize how much I miss the experience of being outside of myself. I knew I needed something more last semester. Classes felt suffocating, overwhelming and distant from a sense of reality, encounter and humanity that allowed me to be closer to myself every single day last year.
These last two months back have been so full, so unpredictable and wacky because of the snow and a little bit of a roller coaster. But I have been making connections, seeing how Theology and Social Work complement and build on one another, understanding my role here and feeling inspired and propelled to give more fully to this world- and so much of that is because of encounters with realities outside of my own.
I started a job at Crittenton Women's Union- a transitional homeless shelter for women and children not too far from where I live. I'm only there once or twice a week and in my position I'm not digging into the depths of these women stories or even becoming particularly involved in their lives. But I see their resiliency, their strength, the way they come together and the challenges of carrying their stories and trying to succeed as women, mothers, minorities, etc, etc in this world that does not take enough care of them. They make me laugh, challenge me and more than anything remind me how easy it is to connect with humans- no matter where we are coming from. I love the little moments of connection- when the barriers of worker vs guest, white vs non white, mother vs non mother break down- and we are just women, together in the world trying to make sense of life. While I sit and watch them interact with each other, hear their frustrations about the rules and every now and then get a glance of the suffering they carry, I start to make connections. It makes a little more sense why I am here, how I will use these degrees to empower people, celebrate our common humanity, create spaces for healing and growth and through small interactions work for justice in this world.
I am coming to realize how badly I need this encounter with humanity in the midst of studying about all that is wrong with the world. Last semester I felt like I was talking about suffering so much and felt so overwhelmed because it was all in books, theories and words that only amounted to problems. Unlike some people, I just don't find hope there- I find hope in the humanity, the resiliency, the humor, the joy, the love...in all the ways that hope, not suffering, has the last word. Things that I felt so connected to all the time in El Salvador last year, and don't come as naturally in this context. I feel more connected to that hope this semester, more connected to myself, more connected to the world and reminded why I am here.
The word encounter feels dangerous, just like every other word that implicates and functions in so many ways beyond what we give it value for. It risks power and separation but to me it is exactly the opposite. Sameness, togetherness, withness. I have found it at Crittenton and it has reminded me how important it is in so many other areas of my life. When the snow feels frustrating and suffocating , some time letting it touch my face makes me appreciate it more. When I am insecure about relationships, judgements, assumptions- honest and vulnerable conversation where we encounter each other's deepest truths is the only remedy. And as ministers we must encounter reality if we are going to make real meaning. It is so easy to get comfortable, to stay separate and keep going through the motions of my routine. But I am so grateful for the reminder to step outside of myself into the greater world, and in turn closer to myself.
A group of STM students are going to El Salvador for an immersion trip next week and I was telling someone yesterday how excited I am for them to find something there about themselves too. Because while the experience of engaging in a reality so different than our own is one of seeing how much we have in the comforts of our privileged life, reevaluating what we need, giving us perspective... it is so much more than that. Something moves within you when you go outside of yourself, your comfort zone, your routine. Something that I cannot prescribe for anyone else because it is so personal and individual but incredibly profound. I watched it move through every single one of my students last semester and have come to realize how much I miss the experience of being outside of myself. I knew I needed something more last semester. Classes felt suffocating, overwhelming and distant from a sense of reality, encounter and humanity that allowed me to be closer to myself every single day last year.
These last two months back have been so full, so unpredictable and wacky because of the snow and a little bit of a roller coaster. But I have been making connections, seeing how Theology and Social Work complement and build on one another, understanding my role here and feeling inspired and propelled to give more fully to this world- and so much of that is because of encounters with realities outside of my own.
I started a job at Crittenton Women's Union- a transitional homeless shelter for women and children not too far from where I live. I'm only there once or twice a week and in my position I'm not digging into the depths of these women stories or even becoming particularly involved in their lives. But I see their resiliency, their strength, the way they come together and the challenges of carrying their stories and trying to succeed as women, mothers, minorities, etc, etc in this world that does not take enough care of them. They make me laugh, challenge me and more than anything remind me how easy it is to connect with humans- no matter where we are coming from. I love the little moments of connection- when the barriers of worker vs guest, white vs non white, mother vs non mother break down- and we are just women, together in the world trying to make sense of life. While I sit and watch them interact with each other, hear their frustrations about the rules and every now and then get a glance of the suffering they carry, I start to make connections. It makes a little more sense why I am here, how I will use these degrees to empower people, celebrate our common humanity, create spaces for healing and growth and through small interactions work for justice in this world.
I am coming to realize how badly I need this encounter with humanity in the midst of studying about all that is wrong with the world. Last semester I felt like I was talking about suffering so much and felt so overwhelmed because it was all in books, theories and words that only amounted to problems. Unlike some people, I just don't find hope there- I find hope in the humanity, the resiliency, the humor, the joy, the love...in all the ways that hope, not suffering, has the last word. Things that I felt so connected to all the time in El Salvador last year, and don't come as naturally in this context. I feel more connected to that hope this semester, more connected to myself, more connected to the world and reminded why I am here.
The word encounter feels dangerous, just like every other word that implicates and functions in so many ways beyond what we give it value for. It risks power and separation but to me it is exactly the opposite. Sameness, togetherness, withness. I have found it at Crittenton and it has reminded me how important it is in so many other areas of my life. When the snow feels frustrating and suffocating , some time letting it touch my face makes me appreciate it more. When I am insecure about relationships, judgements, assumptions- honest and vulnerable conversation where we encounter each other's deepest truths is the only remedy. And as ministers we must encounter reality if we are going to make real meaning. It is so easy to get comfortable, to stay separate and keep going through the motions of my routine. But I am so grateful for the reminder to step outside of myself into the greater world, and in turn closer to myself.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Square Peg in a Round Hole
Back in Boston. Back to the quick moving, alarms that go off to early, filling my brain with knowledge, sitting in classrooms overwhelmed with emotion and the joy of the community that has become home here. A friend talked about the sensation of leaving home and arriving at another home. Feels like the story of my life. When I landed in Boston I saw another BC Grad Student in the airport and it filled my heart, as I drove to my house knowing the way, recognizing buildings, memories in places we passed I felt a comfort that I didn't have last semester. A comfort of familiarity that still isn't the level of home in Colorado or the Bay but that reminds me of the ways this will continue to become home. The best thing about this place is the community we have built, thanks to the STM and its focus on community and the caliber of people it attracts who can talk about the biggest life questions and laugh til we cry, stay up too late and sometimes just let it all go.
I've wanted to write a million different blogs since I got back a week and a half ago and haven't been able to focus on one thing or find the time to sit down and let the words come together cause again my head is spinning with thoughts and questions and emotion, and again it doesn't quite feel like there is time to make sense of it all.
Every Thursday we have all school liturgy- it's usually mass, I sometimes struggle, often miss Santa Clara masses and Celebrations of the Word in San Ramon but always love the community that fill the pews next to me. Yesterday was the first I've been at since being back and it was an Ecumenical Prayer Service for Christian Unity. A woman presided and told the story of the woman at the well from a perspective of strength, curiosity and willingness to ask the hard questions to the people who see her as other. Seeing a woman up there, telling a story about the strength and independence of a woman moved me in a way that reminded me how always hearing a male voice doesn't move me. It was beautiful and painful and knocked me back into this world of trying to understand.. Why I am here? How do I fit in? What am I fighting for? And how much do I have in me to really fight when I could just go somewhere else where the progress I am so looking for has already been realized? One of my dearest friends sat next to me throughout the liturgy wiping tears away, asking the same questions, feeling that explosion of gratitude mixed with frustration that is most deeply felt not in the moments where we are surrounded by patriarchy and male voices but in the moments where a female voice surprises us, speaks to our hearts in a way a male voice often cannot. The response of so many incredible, strong, full hearted women was palpable in the air and that is what keeps me afloat here.
My theology classes this semester are Integrating Faith, Counseling & Services of Justice, Job and Suffering and Theological Anthropology of the Body. My month at home was a month of "I'm getting my MSW" with no mention of the other degree that takes up so much of my time, energy and heart- a Masters in Theology and Ministry. I haven't figured out how it all fits into me and still don't feel sure of articulating it to others. These classes, again, are exposing me to the problems AND the possibilities of this faith that has become some confusing part of me over the years. We are digging deep into the meaning of it all, looking at how it functions, the disparities between what we say and what we do and the ways we as ministers can use it for healing and liberation rather than oppression, control and judgment. It's hard to defend something I'm not totally sure of but Catholic Social Teaching, commentaries on suffering, ministry to the poor, hospitality and an unconditionally loving God who is not simply a white, man in the sky are values that have become part of who I am.
At the service yesterday students from different faith traditions poured water into the fountain, symbolizing the beauty of all of us coming together, then they presented objects symbolizing the gifts brought by each of these traditions. In a lot of my world even having a faith is something that boggles people's minds- that's the one part of this all I am sure of- there is something bigger than me out there. There is a resiliency, hope, strength, mystery in this world- especially amidst deep suffering that is bigger than humans, I found that in my own suffering and even stronger in the suffering of the Salvadoran people. The rest I am trying to make sense of. And I am trying to makes sense of all the different fonts of water that have been poured into me to make me Michelle- how they all come together into a fountain of life, strength, passion that is motivating me to be on this sometimes hopeless path of being honest about reality and committing myself to justice.
You can't fit a square peg into a round hole.. and maybe that's what's pulling me in ways that feel frustrating and leave me hopeless and up spinning at night. Maybe its not about figuring out how to fit into some mold that has been provided by the world to me. A mold of Catholic or not, committed to justice or not, living simply or not, consumerism or not, who I am in El Salvador or who I am in the US, suffering or joy. I KNOW this world is not black and white..my mom drilled that into my head years and years ago when she started to explain to me the pain she felt when people said "Everything happens for a reason or God only gives you what you can handle" after she lost her son. When I started trying to understand why on earth life had to be so hard for her when I knew it my heart of hearts she deserved none of it. I know that the pain caused by those black and white beliefs is part of the reason I'm here. Because when we understand that the gray is the only place we can really live, and each of our lives becomes a different shape that doesn't fit the triangle or the square or the circle- we have to work together to make sense of where we land, to hold each other up when nothing seems quite right. I want to walk with people in that. I want to love people when nothing make sense, look for comfort and hope when there isn't any, and take the pieces of all the different fonts of water that have poured into me and let them swirl together into something that doesn't make any sense.. but that's why its beautiful.
So this semester instead of trying to fit into some mold that has been held up for me by the world. There are so many- so many shapes different people seem to think are right. But I cant fit anyone else's shape- I have to be my own, find my own and create my own. I will take what I like and leave what I don't.. and continue looking for places and people that fill the empty spaces. But more importantly I will try to remember that that is ok- that is beautiful- that is what this world needs, because it's all too complex to be some simple make up of square, triangle and circle blocks dropped in a bin to all fit together.
I've wanted to write a million different blogs since I got back a week and a half ago and haven't been able to focus on one thing or find the time to sit down and let the words come together cause again my head is spinning with thoughts and questions and emotion, and again it doesn't quite feel like there is time to make sense of it all.
Every Thursday we have all school liturgy- it's usually mass, I sometimes struggle, often miss Santa Clara masses and Celebrations of the Word in San Ramon but always love the community that fill the pews next to me. Yesterday was the first I've been at since being back and it was an Ecumenical Prayer Service for Christian Unity. A woman presided and told the story of the woman at the well from a perspective of strength, curiosity and willingness to ask the hard questions to the people who see her as other. Seeing a woman up there, telling a story about the strength and independence of a woman moved me in a way that reminded me how always hearing a male voice doesn't move me. It was beautiful and painful and knocked me back into this world of trying to understand.. Why I am here? How do I fit in? What am I fighting for? And how much do I have in me to really fight when I could just go somewhere else where the progress I am so looking for has already been realized? One of my dearest friends sat next to me throughout the liturgy wiping tears away, asking the same questions, feeling that explosion of gratitude mixed with frustration that is most deeply felt not in the moments where we are surrounded by patriarchy and male voices but in the moments where a female voice surprises us, speaks to our hearts in a way a male voice often cannot. The response of so many incredible, strong, full hearted women was palpable in the air and that is what keeps me afloat here.
My theology classes this semester are Integrating Faith, Counseling & Services of Justice, Job and Suffering and Theological Anthropology of the Body. My month at home was a month of "I'm getting my MSW" with no mention of the other degree that takes up so much of my time, energy and heart- a Masters in Theology and Ministry. I haven't figured out how it all fits into me and still don't feel sure of articulating it to others. These classes, again, are exposing me to the problems AND the possibilities of this faith that has become some confusing part of me over the years. We are digging deep into the meaning of it all, looking at how it functions, the disparities between what we say and what we do and the ways we as ministers can use it for healing and liberation rather than oppression, control and judgment. It's hard to defend something I'm not totally sure of but Catholic Social Teaching, commentaries on suffering, ministry to the poor, hospitality and an unconditionally loving God who is not simply a white, man in the sky are values that have become part of who I am.
At the service yesterday students from different faith traditions poured water into the fountain, symbolizing the beauty of all of us coming together, then they presented objects symbolizing the gifts brought by each of these traditions. In a lot of my world even having a faith is something that boggles people's minds- that's the one part of this all I am sure of- there is something bigger than me out there. There is a resiliency, hope, strength, mystery in this world- especially amidst deep suffering that is bigger than humans, I found that in my own suffering and even stronger in the suffering of the Salvadoran people. The rest I am trying to make sense of. And I am trying to makes sense of all the different fonts of water that have been poured into me to make me Michelle- how they all come together into a fountain of life, strength, passion that is motivating me to be on this sometimes hopeless path of being honest about reality and committing myself to justice.
You can't fit a square peg into a round hole.. and maybe that's what's pulling me in ways that feel frustrating and leave me hopeless and up spinning at night. Maybe its not about figuring out how to fit into some mold that has been provided by the world to me. A mold of Catholic or not, committed to justice or not, living simply or not, consumerism or not, who I am in El Salvador or who I am in the US, suffering or joy. I KNOW this world is not black and white..my mom drilled that into my head years and years ago when she started to explain to me the pain she felt when people said "Everything happens for a reason or God only gives you what you can handle" after she lost her son. When I started trying to understand why on earth life had to be so hard for her when I knew it my heart of hearts she deserved none of it. I know that the pain caused by those black and white beliefs is part of the reason I'm here. Because when we understand that the gray is the only place we can really live, and each of our lives becomes a different shape that doesn't fit the triangle or the square or the circle- we have to work together to make sense of where we land, to hold each other up when nothing seems quite right. I want to walk with people in that. I want to love people when nothing make sense, look for comfort and hope when there isn't any, and take the pieces of all the different fonts of water that have poured into me and let them swirl together into something that doesn't make any sense.. but that's why its beautiful.
So this semester instead of trying to fit into some mold that has been held up for me by the world. There are so many- so many shapes different people seem to think are right. But I cant fit anyone else's shape- I have to be my own, find my own and create my own. I will take what I like and leave what I don't.. and continue looking for places and people that fill the empty spaces. But more importantly I will try to remember that that is ok- that is beautiful- that is what this world needs, because it's all too complex to be some simple make up of square, triangle and circle blocks dropped in a bin to all fit together.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Letting the Journey Unfold: A Reminder from the Fog
I sat on the bus
this morning looking out across the bay in search of the big red bridge… the
bridge I used to know as a symbol of San Francisco, that I played under when I
visited Jesse in 8th grade and then went to on crutches when I visited him Senior year of
high school. The bridge that I took visitors to during my time at Santa Clara,
went for runs by from Jesse and Kylies condo and then this summer drove back
and forth over again and again. That bridge screams home now, familiarity,
beauty and that amazing quick hop from city to wide open beautiful spaces. I
miss those wide open spaces. I wanted to post a picture of it as I flew away,
one of my oh too typical sappy statuses about leaving a place and the people I
love… and out the window all I could see was fog. The tears in my eyes,
butterflies in my stomach, dancing between the hurt of leaving and knowing I’m
leaving, going to a good place and cant get lost in my emotions all settled for
a minute.. settled into what the fog has been a symbol of these past few
months- the unknown, and trusting in that. A few months ago I stayed up all
night with my head spinning, popped up early to go for a run in search of some
sanity and on my regular run around the reservoir I couldn’t see a thing- just
fog. I could only see five feet in front of me, and that is exactly what I
needed. To stop looking forward, wondering, analyzing, agonizing and just be in
the what is here and now- knowing that what comes tomorrow and the rest of
forever is way more unknown than I let myself believe.
And this morning- I needed that reminder. I had a dreamy week
in the Bay. I absolutely love it there. I felt relaxed, grounded, thoughtful,
inspired, surrounded by love, held, at home and whole. Sunday night mass at
Santa Clara felt nourishing instead of just challenging, time with friends that
are so comfortable I could completely relax, time outside in the sunshine and
open spaces where my bones weren’t frigid and I wasn’t surrounded by people and
buildings and lots of really really special time with my family- my little
tribe who I really want my whole life to be about. Cooper and I took walks,
rolled around on the floor, stayed in our pajamas too late, giggled, cuddled
and got right back into spending hours together. And this morning when Jesse
walked him into his room for his nap my eyes filled with tears- tears I had no
control over. I spent a lot of my life having so much control over my emotions-
that those overwhelming moments of ouch sometimes catch me by surprise, but I’m
also thankful for them. I love that little guy a whole lot- a special kind of love
that I can only imagine will multiply so much when it is my own child- but that
blood bond is extra special. Its hard to be far away from him, know that he
will keep growing so much and I will pop in and out every six months. But this
time there also reminded me that our bond is cemented in and it doesn’t take
long for him to refamiliarize with me, and lean his head against me when
someone he doesn’t know walks in. He knows I’m safe and everything about him-
his giggle, his smirk, his waddle, babbling, stubbornness, snuggles and
sweetness, fill my heart with joy.
And being on the
other side of the country from him, Jesse and Kylie, so many wonderful friends and
a place that feels like home is not my favorite thing. But it’s the way it is
right now- for good reason, for a good place, for something that I care about.
It doesn’t feel 100% right there yet. And I spent a lot of this break trying to
make sense of that- what’s missing? How much of it is it just being a new
place? Being in grad school? Being 23 and trying to figure out who I am? I’m
going back to a place I know, friends who know me, a routine, a home, so much
familiar goodness- and to a semester that is full of surprises. I have no idea
what is going to come out of these next four months, and next two and a half
years. And while I gather reminders of what it is I need to make a place feel
like home, I also am asking again and again for patience and trust in letting
Boston and this time be whatever it’s supposed to be.
I’m excited to
go back to my wonderful little home, my sweet Sophia sisters, the amazing group
of friends we’ve found. To classes that stretch me. To a sense of purpose,
potential, growth and the feeling of learning, stretching my heart and brain
that is so electrifying. I’m grateful to get back to my space, my routine, a
new job working with homeless women that will inspire me and connect me to
reality, yoga classes, reservoir runs, a city that still has so much to be
explored and so many things I can not yet see. Talking to Ella in the airport
we talked about advice someone gave her to just be- not analyze, not question,
just be- for one month. And I think that’s really good advice- that is easier
said than done. This is a super privileged time- and while I want to keep
finding ways to fill in the gaps, I also want to let it unfold, and let myself
settle in.
As I walk into
my second semester of Grad School I bring an awareness of some missing pieces,
a need to nourish my soul in light hearted ways more, a pang of missing what is
familiar. I am in touch with how lucky I am to be here- in a new place,
learning so much, letting life unfold as it does. And I will keep remembering
the fog- trusting in the unknown, and being patient as I find what is waiting
for me along the journey.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Reveling in What is Awe-some in 2015
I spent New Years Eve day with my sweet little cousin Mekenna and my aunt Joan. She's 15 and we have the most honest conversations about growing up, love, life, dreams, fears- its a special relationship. I fell asleep to her reading buzz feed after joking with her that Buzz Feed is polluting her brain. I mean really- how many lists of "10 ways to find love" "50 things to do before your 30" "100 things to learn in your 20's" can we read- and what are we actually getting out of them? The internet is an interesting place- such quick access to information and thought sharing can be enlightening and inspiring. But I also think all these buzzfeed lists can almost be anxiety provoking- who are we supposed to be at this moment in our life and what do we have to figure out in the next x amount of years to fit in in this world. Do we really need more fear of not being on the same page or fitting in in the world? Especially for 15 year old girls, and 23 year olds too. One of these lists we read together is "25 Unnecessary Attachments Carefree People Don't Have". Of course we all want to be care free- isn't that the dream? Some of the advice was good.. but the concept- I'm not sure about. When one of my students was leaving El Salvador I reminded her "have a care" and have been on a journey of caring about this deeply broken world and the people around me without being paralyzed for years now. But that extreme also doesn't seem to be working for me.
One of the "unnecessary attachments" is nostalgia. And that has stuck with me since I read it the semi insightful article about things to let go of. I have always been excessively nostalgic. I love change, I love new, I love adventures but I also hold onto memories of the past and goodness in the present pretty tight- struggling to let go, missing constantly and always remembering. Sometimes it definitely gets in the way of the present, but not always- its given me an ability to understand my story, see where I've come from and who has shaped me which gives me insight into where I am going. I'm in the Bay right now spending my days cuddling with Coop, playing at the park and seeing friends at night. We celebrated Cooper's first birthday on Sunday and I remembered the emotional roller coaster that was this time last year, a hard goodbye followed by the most special hello to our little man. Then I went to Santa Clara for Sunday night mass and lots of good time with my Casa crew and people who have formed me at Santa Clara. Sitting on my favorite bench in the sunshine I reminisced on my time there, how comfortable I feel in that sweet little community that held me, shaped me and allowed for such growth and change in me. And in some ways the nostalgia is overwhelming, and leaves me yearning for the past in a way I probably shouldn't. But Im still not convinced we should completely throw it out the window, but maybe thats me holding on too tight.
Then a friend sent me this article "For The Free Spirited Females With Fiercely Sensitive Hearts". And while it wavers on the edge of a little too cheesy- there are some serious truths in it. Truths I am trying to make sense of right now, parts of me that I am trying to live into and figure out how to make the best of, how to nourish and how to grow in at this time of change, new, growth and this past month of being in different homes, feeling excessively nostalgic and understanding the new world I have left these ones for. It articulates well this balance of being care free and light hearted and being deeply in touch with the pains of the world, of loving fully, of seeing all that is and of nourishing our souls. And these weeks of quiet, space from school, time with soul friends and soaking up the California sunshine have helped me see there has been a lack of soul nourishing these last few months.
In one of our many figuring out the world's problems conversations, I told a friend "I need to revel in what is awesome about this world more". I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me say it- I feel like a broken record.. but the not okness of this world is weighing me down. And if I plan to give my whole heart and life to fighting for justice, putting myself in communities on the fringes of society, listening to the hurt and injustice experienced by people and working for something better... I have to start figuring out how to carry this load with a little more grace and a little bit of a lighter heart because otherwise I'm going to crumble under this weight. I'm terrified of loosing sight of whats real, I want to be honest about how messed up the world is always- because I think if not I can forget my responsibility, my passion, my burning desire to make a difference in this world. But also- I have to trust that I won't loose that awareness and spend more time having moments of overwhelming amazement, connectedness, gratitude, joy and awe. Because I know this world is full of good- and if you scroll back a couple years on this blog you'd find a girl who did nothing but praise all the beauty in her world. Even though I have gotten closer to whats hard that beauty hasn't gone anywhere- its just a matter of taking time to celebrate it.
So while being nostalgic may not be the perfect way to spend my time, this week its helping me remember what made this place feel like home, reminding me what it is I need to fill my soul, take care of my heart that hurts for the world and hopefully I can take that back to my new home and keep filling in the spaces, because there are still some empty ones. So as I walk slowly into 2015 my intention is for light heartedness, reveling in what is awe-some and finding ways to nourish my sensitive heart, so it can keep on giving to this world. Cheers to 2015 and all the unknown beauty it has to offer each and everyone of us.
One of the "unnecessary attachments" is nostalgia. And that has stuck with me since I read it the semi insightful article about things to let go of. I have always been excessively nostalgic. I love change, I love new, I love adventures but I also hold onto memories of the past and goodness in the present pretty tight- struggling to let go, missing constantly and always remembering. Sometimes it definitely gets in the way of the present, but not always- its given me an ability to understand my story, see where I've come from and who has shaped me which gives me insight into where I am going. I'm in the Bay right now spending my days cuddling with Coop, playing at the park and seeing friends at night. We celebrated Cooper's first birthday on Sunday and I remembered the emotional roller coaster that was this time last year, a hard goodbye followed by the most special hello to our little man. Then I went to Santa Clara for Sunday night mass and lots of good time with my Casa crew and people who have formed me at Santa Clara. Sitting on my favorite bench in the sunshine I reminisced on my time there, how comfortable I feel in that sweet little community that held me, shaped me and allowed for such growth and change in me. And in some ways the nostalgia is overwhelming, and leaves me yearning for the past in a way I probably shouldn't. But Im still not convinced we should completely throw it out the window, but maybe thats me holding on too tight.
Then a friend sent me this article "For The Free Spirited Females With Fiercely Sensitive Hearts". And while it wavers on the edge of a little too cheesy- there are some serious truths in it. Truths I am trying to make sense of right now, parts of me that I am trying to live into and figure out how to make the best of, how to nourish and how to grow in at this time of change, new, growth and this past month of being in different homes, feeling excessively nostalgic and understanding the new world I have left these ones for. It articulates well this balance of being care free and light hearted and being deeply in touch with the pains of the world, of loving fully, of seeing all that is and of nourishing our souls. And these weeks of quiet, space from school, time with soul friends and soaking up the California sunshine have helped me see there has been a lack of soul nourishing these last few months.
In one of our many figuring out the world's problems conversations, I told a friend "I need to revel in what is awesome about this world more". I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me say it- I feel like a broken record.. but the not okness of this world is weighing me down. And if I plan to give my whole heart and life to fighting for justice, putting myself in communities on the fringes of society, listening to the hurt and injustice experienced by people and working for something better... I have to start figuring out how to carry this load with a little more grace and a little bit of a lighter heart because otherwise I'm going to crumble under this weight. I'm terrified of loosing sight of whats real, I want to be honest about how messed up the world is always- because I think if not I can forget my responsibility, my passion, my burning desire to make a difference in this world. But also- I have to trust that I won't loose that awareness and spend more time having moments of overwhelming amazement, connectedness, gratitude, joy and awe. Because I know this world is full of good- and if you scroll back a couple years on this blog you'd find a girl who did nothing but praise all the beauty in her world. Even though I have gotten closer to whats hard that beauty hasn't gone anywhere- its just a matter of taking time to celebrate it.
So while being nostalgic may not be the perfect way to spend my time, this week its helping me remember what made this place feel like home, reminding me what it is I need to fill my soul, take care of my heart that hurts for the world and hopefully I can take that back to my new home and keep filling in the spaces, because there are still some empty ones. So as I walk slowly into 2015 my intention is for light heartedness, reveling in what is awe-some and finding ways to nourish my sensitive heart, so it can keep on giving to this world. Cheers to 2015 and all the unknown beauty it has to offer each and everyone of us.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Home
Ahhhh home. The sweetness of silence, the fire flickering next to me and snow falling outside. Every time I come home it is the catalyst of lots of reflection, emotion, questioning, feels, good and sometimes hard. I'd like to think that its a pretty normal holidays at home kinda thing.
Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about. Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.
Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways. I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.
I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.
I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.
This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.
Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.
And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.
Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about. Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.
Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways. I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.
I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.
I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.
This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.
Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.
And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.
Monday, December 15, 2014
A semester of movement and becoming
So.. I finished my first semester of grad school. All my finals are turned in, books are returned and we had an amazing, joy and gratitude filled weekend of celebrating and am heading home for a much awaited break with my family and friends. I can't even believe this semester is over- and when I reflect back on it my head starts spinning. It has been four very full months. Full in hours spent reading and writing, new people met, city explored, fun and adventure had but the thing that feels fullest about it are the constant movements and wrestling im my heart. It has been a semester full of questions- my heart feels tired from all the asking, struggling and stretching. And full from some of the new insights, the love, the continued becoming and the prospect of this break to let it all marinate.
So.. A few of the things I've been wrestling with this semester
1. HOPE. Ooof that's a doozie. I am a fairly optimistic, positive, hopeful human. And that has been challenged this semester in more ways than I can explain. Coming home from El Salvador to the US is always a shock to the system and that definitely played a huge part in it. Last year in the midst of deep suffering I found hope in the deep resilience, faith and hope of the women I was surrounded by who were always sure God was with them working for something better. Unlike me they don't need to be convinced that God is with them and working in ways we can't see. Coming back I've felt distant from that spirit of hope and overwhelmed by the disconnect between these worlds. Disheartened by how easy it is for wealth and power to seduce us into forgetting about the huge portion of our world living in deep poverty and suffering. My classrooms feel far away from reality. The institutional church sometimes feels like a total hypocrite. And the reality of suffering in this world is too big- so I have felt hopeless too many times. Recently I am trying to come back into that hope- trusting in something bigger than myself- all the other committed individuals whose hearts are broken, the movements, the eye opening and protesting of the way things are that is happening and a power and love that moves through this world in ways I cannot understand and imagine. I'm so very in touch with what's wrong in the world that it's hard to focus on what's right without fear of lying to myself. But I am also surrounded by such good souls and trying to believe that being here is right, that all this reflecting is brewing in me action that will make change and that this is all beyond me.
2. Women.. I think (hope) that it is impossible to study theology at a Catholic institution as a woman and not end up spending a lot of time trying to understand the role of women in the Church. And in the world. The most spirit filled, loving, joyful, hopeful part of my time here has been the strength, wisdom, motivation of the women I am surrounded by. Friendships that have been built on the basis of a deep longing to be valued equally that brings us together. I am so grateful for sisterhood, and equally sad that sisterhood is so very important and often formed around feeling the pain of being seen as less than. I hope that the world and the Church continue to open it's eyes to the perspective, love, depth and goodness it is missing out on by being so male centric.
3. Race. My desire to dig deeper in my understanding of race started a few months back in my diversity class when I started really looking at my own bias and got back in the privilege conversation. Again wondering what I, as a white, privileged, educated woman was called to do about our country that is so deeply failing non white populations. As of late it is impossible to not be thinking about. All I can say is it's heart breaking and absolutely not ok. We have to keep opening our eyes, we have to each choose to make the well being of each other our responsibility and we have to keep asking the powerful to do the same. The explosion of media attention to racism in our country gives me hope- my Facebook feed is full of people crying out against injustice, asking for change- but I also know there are many people who are not in the conversation- or still do not see the depth of the problem. That side of it is so disheartening. My roomates and I watched the video of Eric Gardner's death- and there is no denying the injustice that happened in that moment, that is part of a problem that is so rooted in the structures of our country and has caused such pain and fear for people we live side by side with. We have to engage with the emotions of all this- the pain of the families who have lost loved ones, the fear of young black boys, we have to be honest with ourselves, look at privilege and commit ourselves to the little things we can do to challenge the status quo.
4. My place in this world... It has been hard to be in a classroom talking about suffering and injustice this semester. I spent many nights awake imagining all the ways I could be giving to this world, on the ground, with the people acting not thinking. I had a few crises about why I decided to come to school instead of just getting into the fight... And am starting to see that the restlessness is bigger than simply studying theology, being in the US, in a classroom or whatever other classification- it is a restlessness that I am likely going to experience to some extent for the next 2 and 1/2 years. And I thought about running away from it- jumping ship and finding a different way to live right now. But I think it is a gift to be restless, to be struggling, asking questions, having this time to keep learning, growing and feeling the despair, frustration and depth of not right in this world while cultivating skills to give to this world better, hope to carry me in whatever work I end up doing and to keep toying with ideas of what that will look like. I'm trying to learn to have patience and trust in the journey- to let the brewing and discomfort marinate and continue inside me- things are moving and I am continuing to become everyday.
There is so much more- but that's a lot. And have been the things that keep me up at night. I have learned so much and am leaving overflowing with grattitude and peace. I had the best weekend with my friends- dancing, drinking tea, having late nights and lazy mornings, reminiscing on the semester and soaking up our time together. Community is so important to me- and I am so lucky to have built such a strong one already here. This is the first time in a long time I've said see ya soon to a community I get to come back to instead of goodbye and starting a new one. Such an amazing gift.
And I'm headed home to yet another community who had nourished me forever. I am so excited to be there- with my family of friends and to see my sweet little man and family of family :) I dunno how I got so lucky.
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