Home Away From Home for the 23rd Year

The first week and a half of the semester is orientation and we visit each of the praxis sites so students have a context when they are sharing stories and supporting each other through the semester. This semesters visits were really special for some reason and I cannot believe how at home I felt in each of the communities.

First we went to San Ramon- a Christian Base Community that was started after members of the community were pushed away by the hierarchy in the Catholic church which was exemplified by a priest that was more concerned with control and rules than compassion, relationship and supporting the Salvadoran people. The three coordinators of the praxis site were some of the first to move away from the church and worked together to create a space where the people could come together, celebrate their faith and feel welcome and at home- rather than judged. Their mission is to live out their faith, to truly walk with the people and they have a strong presence in some of the poorest communities in the country. In one of the communities we met Nina Auralia again- she is 85 years old and one of the strongest, most outspoken, hilarious, stubborn, amazing Salvadoran women I have ever met. She is everything the country tells women not to be- and for that I love her so much more. She told us about how she had her babies alone, she didn’t want anyone to see her face, she talked about raising her kids who have all gone off to live their own lives now and how her husband left a couple years ago and is waiting to dance with her in heaven. No explanation can do her justice but as I thought of her and everything she is I realized that San Ramon is a place that sets in front of me things as they should be rather than how society says they should be- and specifically the things that I tend to struggle with in the world- the church, gender roles, etc.

 Last semester I spent one day a week there leading a group of young girls, learning from Annita and just soaking up these inspiring people. Somehow they manifest so many things I struggle with- exactly how they should be. The way they live out their faith, walk with the people, welcome everyone, uplift women in their faith community and change the hierarchy is the living opposite of everything I struggle with in the church. The way Annita and Nina Aurelia are- strong, outspoken, loud, stubborn, defiant, brave-  everything this country tells women not to be in a way that makes me cringe. Hector- one of the coordinators is the most gentle, loving, caring men I have ever met- again all the things that often men do not appear to be in this country. I’m not sure exactly how to articulate it but I found comfort in realizing that San Ramon and the people there show me that things can be different, can be how they should be and we can be creators of hope like Annita teaches us.

Wednesday we went to Mariona where we made candles, did a meditation, gave each other messages and heard the painful stories of the Guardado family that has motivated them to committing their lives to finding peace and healing through art, meditation and massage. It felt like a retreat and again I felt so at home, so comfortable, so incredibly grateful for the way I get to spend this year. Lastly, Friday we went to the Quintanillas- they are a family of 13 who lived through some of the most gruesome parts of the war and now live out their experience in the way they love, their political involvement and the way they raise their kids. Their life is an amazing combination of older, campo style living and modern, city living. Rosa- the mom told us the story of loosing her 6 month old when a bomb exploded and landed in her heart as she was carrying her fleeing from the war. Then she told us how she lost her 5 year old when she went down a different path- towards the soldiers rather than away from them. As she told these stories I struggled to even begin to imagine the suffering of these people but felt overwhelmed with gratitude for their willingness to share that pain with us, to trust us to listen and hold something so deeply heart breaking. Then we danced, they played us music and we played games- as always engaging in this beautiful ability to hold both painful and joyful that exists in this country. And in each of these visits I felt overcome by gratitude, comfort, and a feeling of being at home and “with my gente” as Ted says. Being here makes the gears in my head turn way faster and lets my heart feel with the world in an entirely different way. I feel so alive, so close to what’s real and what matters and a burning desire to do something meaningful with my life, to follow the example of these people and keep them with me always- no matter where I am.

During our staff check in Monday morning I expressed feeling confused by how incredibly happy and at home I am here- because at the same time I am missing home. I feel far away from friends, last semester’s students, my family and my sweet new baby Coop. Sometimes I just look at pictures of him and cry- wishing I was closer and sometimes I spend too much time at the internet wanting to connect to that world. My month at home was an amazing reminder of the support I have there, the amazing friends who I can completely relax and be myself with, be silly and weird and have a blast and also talk about what matters in the world. And sometimes here I am aware of a lack of peers. Living abroad comes with that confusing tension- of missing home, and feeling like this is home, and feeling like my heart exists in multiple places- which makes it hard for it to be fully present in any one place.

On Tuesday I turned 23. I was showered in love and surprises- surrounded by this family and sent so much love from my family a few countries away. It was absolutely wonderful- and I also felt far away. I teared up when I talked to my mom on the phone- even though I haven’t spent a birthday with her in 5 years. And then laid in the hammock with Ella and talked about how we are still in transition to being back here. This place is home in so many ways- but we are still finding our way with our new students, getting to know them, understanding the dynamics and figuring out how to be CC’s in a new context. And I think I was craving the easy, close, completely at home feeling we had at the end of last semester and I have with so many people at home. But then I sat in the garden with Ted and Ella- my rocks here, the most constant and present home and support I have and just the best people in the world. And I skyped with Kylie, Jesse and Cooper and I felt better. We finished the evening with our first spirituality night where students share about their faith journeys and it felt really right to be ringing in the new year that way. That is what I love about this job, that is how we go from strangers to family, how we build community and home- by sharing where we are coming from, listening to each other and really holding each others experience.

Ted asked me how I was feeling about 23 the other day.. and part of me felt frustrated that I don’t feel completely whole and strong and sure about everything in my life, which I think is some silly thing the U.S. tells us is how we should be. I feel a little pulled between two places, fearful and stressed about the future and missing support and relationships that have changed and shifted in the past few weeks. But I think that is actually a really good way for me to go into this year. I am seeing this year as an invitation- to let support in, to be patient, to have faith and trust the way things work. I am on a forever journey of getting to know myself and logically I can tell you all of my strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, challenges, etc- but my heart cant fully live out what I know I need in this life- and I think going into this year a little shaky is an invitation for me to let my heart find its way, to be patient to letting my heart and head come together. I’m not particularly good at letting people support me- and I think this year is an invitation to let people in, to find support internally and externally and not fill voids in unhealthy ways. Its an invitation to dive deeper into my faith, exploring my vocation, understanding how this country will stay with me as I move forward in my life, trusting myself, the people around me and the grace of so much that is beyond my control.

So as I feel simultaneously completely at home and far away from home I will settle into that- knowing that it is just right. Knowing that there is something more out there helping me find my way in this life- and that I am in exactly the right place to continue getting to know my self and my place in this world.

Long lost blogger back at it... more stories of El Salvador breaking open my heart.

While I was home someone asked me if I was doing any blogging- I responded with an array of excuses while I was reminded how much I really love writing and miss this space. Many times last semester I thought of getting back into the habit- but there is something about leaving and coming back that is intimidating.  For the past week and a half that I have been back in the country I have found myself yearning to share what is happening here again and again- so instead of continuing to think about it, Ill give it a shot. No promises that I will have time to make it regular- but the movements of my heart are worth documenting and the ways this country, these people and this program impact all who encounter them deserve to be spread…

My month off was spent seeing so many friends, being reminded of the life I don’t live and the ways I feel distant from home and feeling incredible grateful for the people in my life. I was in many different places physically and emotionally but left feeling like there were homes for me to come back to in May, souls that understood me, people I want to be able to give more of my time and my heart to and opportunities that are intriguing. A few people asked me if I would stay for longer than a year while I was home and I said no- almost unsure why. While I was there I felt distant from here, disconnected from what this place means to me- in the same way I often feel disconnected from there when I am here. I don’t like that- but I think it’s good that I know it, and it is something I want to continue exploring.

But for now- my heart is at home. Minutes after I landed in this country I was reminded what this place is to me. And in the past week and a half I have felt endlessly grateful for my time here, the family I have found and how much it has become home. Something amazing happens in this country and I know it is a combination of so many good things. Amazing Salvadoran people who are faithful, loving and vulnerable beyond belief + inspiring, committed leaders who understand this kind of education + students who are willing to accept the invitation + special spaces= something incredibly beautiful. And I have the privilege of calling all that my job my first year out of college- I don’t know how I landed here but I feel blessed beyond belief.

This semester Ted, Ella and I will all be living together in Romero with six amazing women. The program is exceptionally small this semester and when we first found this out a few months ago we struggled to reimagine what it would like to be CC’s in that context. But wow…. In the last three days it has become clear that we are in for something really special.  The closeness that is inevitable in a small group is already manifesting into a sense of safety, trust, care and joy. Living with Ted and Ella is an invitation to really learn to be a team player- to step back sometimes, to trust each other, to celebrate each other’s strengths, to be honest with one another and to be a part of the community in a new way.  There is so much unknown ahead of us and I am so excited to be apart of it unfolding.

My dear students last semester taught me so much and I will be such a better CC because of it. As I begin with these new students I know that each of them is a universe…of beauty, struggle, experience, wisdom, joy and so much to teach me. My students last semester taught me that, showed me the depths of their hearts in a way I could have never imagined the first days, they let me in, they helped me grow and held my heart in such a special way.  They proved to me that this amazing program and country really transform people- and that the grace that happens here is so far beyond my control.  Beginning with that knowledge is helping me to let go, to be genuinely me and to trust in the slow work, the process of unfolding that happens with such beauty.

Today we had our first day of praxis visits. We went to Zacamil and Tepecoyo- rural villages where strong, faithful women run the place (welcome to El Salvador). Deysi retold the story of her son’s accident when he decided to leave school so he could work for the family and provide them with something to eat. Just a few weeks after he began working he fell while cutting down a tree, landed on his head and was paralyzed from the waist down. I hate how short and simple that sounds because when it is told with details from him and his mother your whole heart feels it with them and breaks into so many pieces trying to understand what a horrible combination of things would lead to such suffering. Yet as you listen you always come to understand the faith that the people of this country rely on so deeply. Out of a necessity for something to keep them going, but also out of a true belief that their God is taking care of them, providing for them, loving them- even in the midst of the deepest suffering.

Hearing this story again and that the poverty in Tepecoyo is the worst it has been for years, that children are not eating, that mothers are breaking under the stress of not being able to provide for their children- I feel the same confused I have felt since I first met these women as a student two and a half years ago. Why? How? What the hell do we do? We tell the students that our main goal is to accompany- and I still argue with the part of my brain that wants to fix. The injustice is so much bigger, so much deeper and so much more complicated than what I can understand or what I can fix. And sometimes that is so overwhelming to understand.

This semester my time here really feels more finite and in that I feel myself yearning to understand how to carry this with me in an authentic, meaningful way. I see how easy it is to forget about this reality, to feel distant from Deysi and Yovani on the comforts of my warm couch in the states. And that is terrifying. These women- Deysi spending the whole day caring for her son, and Angelica- sacrificing everything to feed the children of her small canton- should go down in history as incredible heroines. Their names should be next to Gandhi, MLK, Rosa Parks and so many more. But instead they are in our hearts. And I guess we must learn to follow their example. Do the small, daily things that we can to bring goodness, life, joy, love, healing and nourishment to the people around us and trust that it will spread to our world. It is true for Deysi and Angelica- their example expires countless students who then carry them with them forever.

In the midst of accompanying a new group of students, wondering and stressing about what I will do next I think the most important thing is to be as present as I can possibly be to this place and what happens when we let break our hearts. I hope in the next four months I cant let this country seep into my blood until it can never leave again.

Graduation, Becoming, Grattitude

Ghost Michelle here...

Im graduating in three days. My family arrives tomorrow. My days have been filled with friends and joy and adventures and love. I am equal parts happy and sad, both high levels. Its a huge change, a lot to process and as my friend said "When you are happy somewhere you don't want to leave". Spot on. This place is gonna be hard to leave. I absolutely have zero time to blog. But I owe you people some updates.

So... I did a talk a couple weeks back at this thing called The Challenge where students share about their faith journeys. I spoke on Becoming. I have found faith in the last four years. And I have kept it to myself and a few others for the majority of the time. But as I leave here and try to take it forward I think its something I can share with the world. My talk was posted on our Campus Ministry website.

Check it out here if you're interested http://ht.ly/ltCQt.

Thanks for reading, listening, loving, supporting and cheering me on. I couldn't have made it where I am today without all of you and I am endlessly grateful. XOXOXO

A Day in the Life of a Thirsty College Student

This morning while I had a few minutes to share breakfast with Margot I said "shoot I have to pack lunch and dinner today, I'm not gonna be home all day". We laughed at this crazy life we live but quietly some stress and anxiety was building within me. I have been acutely aware of how full these days are lately, how at every second there are a million things going on on campus and in my brain, and how many different things we make time to do in college. I dont wanna forget what these days felt like...

My alarm went off at 8 and woke me from a good dream. I pulled myself out of bed, went for a quick run, showered, ate and packed two meals in preperation for a long day.

I power walked to a meeting with my Soc professor where we went over the data analysis plan using SPSS and the part of my brain that somehow gets some of that stuff clicked away. After an hour of wrapping my mind around statistics, analysis and silly coding technology things I ran off to go to my SCCAP office hours.

On my walk, the only time my brain really has to catch up with itself I ran through all the things I needed to do in the next two hours before class.
Plan an immersion trip meeting. Book a table for an event Wednesday. Email interview questions to a professor. Turn in a reimbursement form. Sign up for another event. Send a few emails. Read before class. Eat lunch. Oh and maybe breath a little.

I came to the SCCAP office flustered. My home away from home where I can always find good humans, brains to bounce ideas off of and a little bit of relaxation. We talked about how long these days are. How many different ways we use our brains in the span of one day. How our days go from 8am-10pm with barely any stopping and how normal that has become in this space. Its wild.

I hurried to get everything done and then yet again went rushing to class. Class where we talk about human hope and suffering and listen to projects about Global Poverty and Immigration. Then to Applied Soc where we plan our reports for the organizations we are doing research for.

We got out early and I was so excited to have a little extra time that I filled talking to my soul sista Claire, then off to an event on Education Reform which I left early to hurry to my immersion trip meeting.

WHEWWWW

So much. The thing is I love it all. I really feel like my brain is stimulated. I am learning and growing and capable. Four years here has taught me so freaking much. I can run SPSS analysis and plan an immersion trip and talk about human hope and suffering all with a fair amount of confidence in knowing what Im doing. And even enjoying it.

But my brain is exhausted sometimes. Last night Fr. Jacks homilee was about humans being innately thirsty. For water. But also for knowledge, love, life, newness and sometimes not so good things.. power, money. I think all those things come out in a University setting... some that make me frustrated but others that are so good. There is a thirst for knowledge and invovlement, growth, learning, understanding, closeness to each other and this world on this campus that motivates me, that keeps me going, that allows all the different parts of my brain to keep working even though its exhausting.

And in the communities I have found there is also a thirst to pop this bubble, to go beyond the desire for comfort, wealth and power that we are sometimes brainwashed with. Yesterday we went to a service at Glide Memorial Church in the Tenderloin in San Francisco. Its absolutely beautiful- open, accepting, real, a community of faith, service, love and liberation.

And I was reminded of the fragmenting that happens in our world. The same fragmenting I wrote about in my paper on the extreme racism that exists in our prison system, and that causes gang violence in East LA and leaves people homeless just around the corner. I dont want to live in a fragmented world, I dont want to put walls and barriers up between myself and the reality of suffering and inequality that exists. I dont just want to be comfortable and I dont want to forget that. I want to live with the people who are on the margins. I want to learn from them. I want to go out of my comfort of being white and priveleged, of the easy answer of keeping my distance. I want to be in the thick of it. I want to get to know a community and become a part of it so that way I can really be a part of working for change.

I have a thirst for change. For closeness. For love. For light. For liberation. For equality.

I am able. I am educated. I am privileged. And yet I am naive. I have so much to learn, to see, to listen to.

Lately I am so aware of how little time I have left here. I am aware of the uniqueness of this place, of all that I have learned in my time here, of the little moments, of the learning and of the fullness. I am grateful for all that it has given me. I am grateful for long, exhausting, a million mile hour, all sides of my brain days. I am excited for whats left and also excited to take the thirst that this place has given me and the thirst that sometimes gets ignored in this space into the world beyond it.

I don't want to forget what these days felt like. I don't want to forget the ramblings of my heart that happen in the moments of busy days filled with classes that make me think, meetings and people that open my heart and experiences that push me. I am thirsty and I am grateful for all the ways that thirst is quenched and all the ways I am left to thirst.

Nourishment

Well hello there world. Its been quite sometime. Member the days when I use to blog on the reg... those were the good old days, but so are these. Life just happens fast and I think there has been a shift to just living it, soaking it up, letting it happen inside me rather than feeling like I need to write about it all the time. Which defintiley doesnt mean that writing about it is a bad thing, or is something I should neglect as much as I have. I guess I just am in a space of just being a little more than shouting it to the rooftops. But.. I do have a lot to tell. And at Christmas Kylie told me I need to write another blog so she doesn't have to be dissapointed everytime she comes to my page. And I really do like to write them and come here all the time and think about it or start one or think of a title in my brain.. but you just cant force it.

A lot has been happening in my world. A lot of nourishment.

Rewind to Thanksgiving. I got on a plane to El Salvador with Ella by my side. We were anxious, delerious from too little sleep, so happy to be together and really nervous about what it would be like to go back. It was more than I could have ever expected. Reminded me of that feeling of alive, in touch, whole, loving, best version of my self that I was for four months while I was there. It just came right back.. I cant explain it but that place lights me on fire in the best way I could imagine. It felt like home- familiar and overflowing with people I love in a way that I didnt fully remember. Especially Cedro. I went back planning to stay for one night and decided to stay for two. It felt so comfortable. So different than the first time I slept at Nina Reina's and all I could think about was the spiders on the wall. Those didnt even phase me, this time all I could think about was how much I love it there, how at home I feel, how I want to stay forever and read books over and over again with mis hermanit@s. I got to spend time with people in a way I didnt have the time or freedom to as a student. We got to hang out with the becarios, lay in the grass in the UCA, run the hills and in Cedro I sat with Nina Santos and made her coffee while I listened to her heart, and hurt for her like I always have. I rode back in the pick up with Lupita and got to go see her baby. I called Salvador so many times and got in his car just like I had never left. My heart is completely at home there, alive, aware of the pain and beauty of the world simeteanously and ready to do nothing but love. It was an amazing trip. So fun to be there with Ella, Paco, Abby and Katie so we could reminisce about our semester and process it all together. It was a reminder that I was more equipped to hold onto this time. I came home feeling like I got a jolt of it that wasnt going to drown the way some of it did in the transition home- just live in me, stick with me, remember for me. It was beautiful.

I came home to two weeks of writing more papers than anyone should ever have to. My eyes and fingers hurt from all the time at my computer. And my brain was jello by the end. But I made it through and then went on the 5 day silent retreat. It was wonderful.. nourishing.. the theme of the last month now that I look back on it. It was peaceful and reflective and not intense or jolting in the way the last one was. It was just me looking at the past year in awe of the ways I have grown and healed and become me. I felt like all parts of me were in harmony- something I havent felt for a while. I shared a community in silence, explored questions and stories and people that gave me comfort and hope and a deeper understanding of the world. I thought about the deep brokeness of the world and my desire to serve the world out of the hope that I have learned. I thought about unconditional love and all the ways I have been showered in it. And I just really soaked up the time to be- something we all to often forget to do.

It left me whole, balanced and rested to get on a plane home for two wonderful weeks in my little mountain town with my village of a family. Friends were home that hadnt been in the past, we had time to be together to play and talk and be ridiculous. And there was time to lay on the couch, take hot baths, hang out with my mama and all the people I love who were there. Read books and look at the snow and also run around like a crazy person trying to fit in as many of those people as possible. It was fantastic. The last two trips home have been really good and Im really really grateful for that. This one was definitly nourishing in all the right ways and I think getting on a plane with just a twinge of sadness to leave is about the perfect amount of time... Ill be back- and hopefully next time for at least a little longer.

Christmas Break ended with 5 days in Minnesotta with some of the best women in the world. Lindsey, Claire and I spent our days lounging around chatting about the world and exploring the twin cities. It felt like home to be with them and was exactly the perfect way to finish off break. We celebrated New Years together and joked about the past year being one of moving from darkness to light. But really we werent joking at all. Its been a big year. A lot of change. A lot of hurt. A lot of healing and growth. And a lot of light flooding in slowly after a time of a lot of darkness. But we are starting to understand that is part of this life... and the light always comes. We talked about what we were gonna do next year, reminisced about our Casa time in a way that I dont think will ever end and just really enjoyed each other.

Then I came back with mixed feelings about two more quarters at Santa Clara. It feels too short and too long at the same time. Sometimes I feel like there are bigger and better things out there for me. I get frustrated with some of the surface level BS that exists on this campus (and everywhere) and classes that dont challenge me in the way I want to be challenged. But since I have been back I have been reminded of a Santa Clara that challenges me, nourishes me and has transformed me from a little girl to a blossoming woman with a completely new understanding of the world. I am grateful and present and really aware of all the beautiful things about this place. Its crazy to think how soon it will all be over, makes my heart jump a little. But Im happy to be soaking it up. I also got incredible news over break that I will be spending next year as a Community Coordinator at the Casa in El Salvador and I could not ask for a better way to spend it. I am so incredibly excited and know it is going to be a year of beauty that I cant yet comprehend. It takes a big stress off my shoulders and really gives me the chance to be present to the next (and last) few months in this place. Whoa. Thats wild.

My brain and heart are being nourished by so many things. SCCAP retreat that felt like community and reflection in the best way. Sunday night mass that is community, passion, reflection and becoming better versions of ourselves. A class on Human Hope and Suffering that I adore and has my wheels spinning. Two Soc classes that seem relevant and exciting and challenging. An arrupe where I will get to speak Spanish. Immersion planning. Really good friends. Karina time. Tahoe trips. All sorts of things are happening. Good things that remind me the goodness hasn't run out. And its all along the same lines it has been since freshmen year..Im just flowing, growing and moving with and in it. I like it.

Hope you are feeling nourished. And that the never endingness of this didn't take it all out of ya. Thanks for reading.. means a lot. XOXOX

"I cant believe tomorrow's another Friday"

November 1st?!?!? Where did you come from? I said to Margot on our bike ride to school this morning "I cant believe tomorrow is another Friday?!?!" and we proceeded to talk about how this year has already flown by and the likelihood that it will only continue to speed up more and more. Its wild. So much has happened that I always think about coming here to write about... but somehow the free minutes in my life just seem to slip away.

But today is a rainy, scarf, tea and lay in bed kinda day. And those days somehow leave me thoughtful and wanting to curl up and write posts about my life. So... here I am, long over due, with quite the list of things to update on... bear with me.

2 weeks ago on Saturday I stood in a line of 11 bridesmaids watching my brothers face as he said I do to my new sister in law. I cried listening to Kylie's letter to Jesse celebrating all the wonderful things in him. I loved being on her side so I could see his expression and get a little glimpse into how he felt. It was absolutely beautiful. The sun literally came out the second Kylie walked out of the room where we all got ready "thats my dad" she said. We walked along the golf cart path with a trumpet and saxaphone leading us to the reception cheering and waving our wands. I looked back at the long line of people following them in this beautiful place with the sun shining and everybody celebrating and forgot about how much my feet hurt... it was freaking amazing. I waited nervously til the time finally came to do my speech and I couldnt have asked for it to go better. About 30 seconds in I had to add a "sorry Jes I cant look at you or Ill cry, but I would if I could" I held it together and felt really wonderful about getting to tell my brother how much I love him and how happy I was to welcome Kylie into our family in front of all those people. As soon as I got to him the tears came pooring out but it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Then I cried more watching him and my mom dance. They are my the foundation of my being and have been through so so so much. Watching them up there dancing, chatting, smiling was just incredible. Finally we got the emotions out of the way and spent the rest of the night dancing our butts off to the amazing 8 person band. I havent had that much fun in a long time and I have never ever seen my brother that happy. It was perfect. And crazy. And I left feeling so grateful for my big quirky family and hopeful that someday I will fall in love and marry someone who makes me that happy too (ha... sometimes Im not sure)

October was a month of a lot of "a year ago this time..." October was a big month at the Casa. Campo week, the rain, silent retreat, Dean Brackley passed away and then vacation. It was a time of so so much pain. But also an incredible amount of growth. Such a formative month that really had a huge affect on how it all ended. We became a family, we saw suffering through a new lense, we mourned the loss of someone who started the Casa and we came together at the end of it stronger than ever. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane back there. I cant wrap my mind around it but I am also quite blow away at the person I am today compared to at the beginning of October a year ago. I have learned and grown so much. I am excited to get back to the place that really started all of this. To feel some of that pain but more than anything the love and the joy. We are studying El Salvador in my Poli Sci class right now and read something on Sobrino today. He said "the opposite of joy is not suffering it is sadness, the people can and are joyful although they are suffering" Mami Santo's big smile flashed through my mind and I am so excited to hug her, to feel what it feels like to be there now and to celebrate that beautiful time.

The days and weeks flying by has also left me thinking a lot about the future. A lot a lot.  A few weeks ago I met with someone who did Jesuit Volunteer Corps International. A two year program that I have been thinking about on and off. I left and nearly had an anxiety attack because I just realized that it is a really good option and one that I think is pretty right for me, and that freaks me out. The anxiety that came with thinking about the future motivated me to get my butt in to gear... researching and thinking and just exploring my heart to see what is right for next year. There are a lot of options... and I just have to tell myself what I keep telling other people.. there is something out there for me that is a really good fit and I am more than capable to find it and fall in love with it. Right now I am thinking of applying to JVI, a few teacher corp programs, a year long service program in Minnesotta and to be a CC at the Casa. I am finally to the point where a lot of options sound good and I really trust that I will end up where I am supposed to bed. I wish I could say that took away the stress completely... but it doesnt and I have some serious application work to be doing.. crazy that its time to figure that out!
 
Life is busy and full but its not a crazy that leads me into a flurry of anxiety any more. It feels like home and routine and it is full of things that I really really enjoy. Last weekend was my first free weekend since school started. On Friday I sat in the sunshine for two hours alone doing absolutely nothing and I could feel the life seeping back into me. It was magical and I would recommend it to anyone who is over committed, tired and cranky. Its like getting a full night sleep but better!  Ive been feeling incredibly grateful for my education and the spaces I have to talk about important things... rural farmers vs the world bank, jails and the injustices in them, homelessness, fixing vs serving. I am inspired everyday. By the people around me, the course material, the two year old who never fails to make me smile and I just dont think I could ask for anything more. I am getting so much out of this amazing place this last year here and I guess its better that it is flying by cause I am taking full advantage of all the opportunities than crawling by cause Im doing nothing. This post doesnt quite to justice for my life or my heart but its a start... happy November, I hope it feels like fall where you are and you can cozy up with a blanket and tea and relax a little! xoxoxo

Update: Life is so good and Senior year has begunnnn!

You know what I should be doing right now... homework. HOMEWORK?!? Ahhh scary. Its funny how for the past month and a half of summer I have sat down numerous times to write a blog post and it just wouldn't come. But when I have homework to do it seems that writing a blog post is the best and easiest decision i could possibly make.

A few things. I had an amazing summer, I thought about (and started three blog posts that never finished about it) as the summer of love again and again. I am overwhelmed by how much goodness flowed from the minute I stepped onto U.S. soil, even and especially in the midst of some change and ouchies and just plain old life. I got to spend seriously quality time with so many people I love and just really was present to every single moment of goodness, friendship, family and people that I love to smithereens.  I dont have enough words for it, I am beyond blessed with a lot a lot of love in my life and the last month of summer filled me to the brim with it. Paraguay was a lot of things.. beautiful, challenging, inspiring, discouraging and sometimes really boring but it was also a good time for me to learn to love myself again. And then I came home and was reminded of how huge of a community of support I have and how much life and love they give me. 5 days in Seattle with my best friend after 6 big months of growth of total soul food, 5 days in Milwaukee full to the brim of Casa love, so much laughter, talking about the pains and beauty of this world and our place in it all, 10 days at home where I completely 100% fell back in love with Colorado.. the people, the sights, the home feeling and all the wonderful memories I have there, loved on some littles who totally have my heart, vegged on my couch and had some quality mama time and spent a wonderful silly weekend with my best friends and finally 4 days in Michigan reading by the lake that has been an oasis since I was just a little girl with blonde pig tails getting yelled out for not washing the sand off my feet before coming in. It was too good to be true and really left me ready as could be to come back to this amazing year. I am so so grateful for every single moment and all of the people who just shower me in love and goodness... I will never be able to say thank you enough times, and really what more could I ask for in life.

I have been so excited for this year since the slow process of settling into this house began when I came home from Paraguay... excited to have a whole year in one place, excited for the renewed feeling of being strong and sure in myself, connected, motivated and just inspired to be here in a way I couldn't be when I got back in January and so many other things. I have just felt so ready for it.

And as soon as I got on that plane in Michigan the year was in full force with everyone finally home moving in at once, SCCAP cars to be washed, office to be cleaned and retreat to be planned and BAM less than 24 hours later we were on our way. It was so good. SO SO good. SCCAP brought me out of my weird freshmen year shell into Casa, International Development and so many people and things I love about this place and it just couldn't feel more right to be back at it again, on a little bit different side doing a little more giving because now I can give... but I also am getting so much. Our staff is amazing, inspiring, hillarious, committed and ready to make SCCAP whatever it needs to be to bring goodness to the Santa Clara community and to connect students with populations that break open our hearts, to fall in love and to support each other, to bring their volunteers on board and to have a whole lot of fun. So good. Also... lap tag is the most hillarious game ever.. look it up.

I came home to some serious settling needing to be done and with the help of my lovely Mama and some stay up all night instead of sleeping motivation my room finally feels like home. And senior year has officially started. It feels good... really good. Having both Hayley and Margot in this house is the best thing I could ever ask for and Margot turned what used to be a nasty shed into a cozy little home that is great for snuggling and exactly what she needs. As we walked home from a barbeque together Sunday night we talked about how much things have changed, how right it feels to be here and how good this year is going to be. Last year was a rollercoaster and coming out of it strong and excited for more is so great. Its a big contrast but that really sucky feeling 6 months ago is a constant reminder to not take all this goodness for granted and now its a new, real, deep, honest goodness- not just a wide eyed and bushy tailed, everything is wonderful lets not talk about anything that might not be, kinda goodness. Im all in and I am STOKED.

This new friend I have called anxiety got the best of me on Tuesday night after a conversation about GSB that had me thinking about my research effecting grad school and jobs, what Im gonna do with my life, what the best way to make social change is and if I'm even cut out to be thinking about these things followed by a Capstone class that is also too stressful and a quite busy schedule. That snuggle shed and a soul sister who just knows me was there to remind me that I gotta slow down sometimes and I had a few good conversations about how important it is to take care of ourselves. I am part of this large group of people who want to go, go and go to give to this world and sometimes get so overwhelmed we crash and burn.. and I am now advocating for the "we cant give to anyone else if we cant give to ourselves" morale and responded to Tuesdays overwhlemed with a slow, take some time for me Wednesday morning. Ebb and flow baby. I feel balanced again and am inspired by the things that are keeping me busy and slowly feel like I am finding ways to make my schedule manageable and will be in a routine next week. YAY!

Im right where Im supposed to be. I have so much goodness to be involved with and I am beyond excited for this year. I have this feeling it might be the best one yet.. like Im not just saying that, Im so much stronger on my feet, know where I want my heart to be committed and thus feel so excited to give my whole heart to those things. I have a community of people I love to smithereens... some to just laugh and be silly with and some that will have the conversations my heart loves to have. Some that I just met and others that feel like they have known me my whole life. Im stoked about my classes and have faith that my life will come together just as its supposed to and step by step I will find my way into what to do with this life. So... on the days that I feel overwhelmed with the big picture I will remind myself of the little things and on days when I get lost in the logistics, emails and too much to dos, I will remind myself of the big picture. Life is good.. like really freaking good.

Now Im gonna go love on my little Karina... bliss <3 br="br">