midterms, stress, ahhh peace

Its been a stressful week. Midterms, three, flat bike tires, missed busses, mom having surgery, grandma not doing well, some of those days that just seem like one thing after another, and because your stressed and tired and emotional it just seems that much worse. I had the biggest break down I've had since I've been here, then I swam and released it all and man did it feel good. Emotions need to happen, unfortunately sometimes they seem to happen in a big hard one time thing, but sometimes its better. I called Jes crying and he goes you've been so happy, I forgot about the other side. Despite wanting to punch him its true, I've been holding on soooo tight to all the good things that the hard parts of this transition just stayed away, but they still happened, and all hit when the tire popped on my way to tutoring kiddos. Funny how that happens, funny how life all works out. The midterms I studied for like crazy and stressed myself out about, they went fine, probably because I stressed myself out and studied hard, but its so nice walking away being like, ya I think I did ok, I think I was prepared. And now that the week is over, having no stress and a weekend of fun waiting for me, wow it feels good.

On another note, I got an email from one of my campers today and talked to a few of them throughout the week. Just when I was unmotivated and ready to curl up in a ball it seemed someone, the campers, Scotty, Britt, Ese, Liv, whoever, was there to pick me up. I love that. I guess I don't really know what I'm writing about, I'm just happy, happy for life. This morning for religion I went to part of this conference on contemplative religions and the one I saw was about Jewish prayer, and no matter what you believe in or where you come from the ideas were so good. Life is a gift and every morning when we wake up we should realize how lucky we are. Granted, life is also a rollercoaster and there are days when it just seems easier to hide under a blanket and wait for a day that seems a little less of a big scary challenge. But today, I just feel lucky for life. Lucky to be the person I am and stress out so that I do better on my finals, lucky to have the AMAZING people in my world, to call Scotty and just feel like the world is mine to conquer, like with people behind me I can get anywhere I want, to get emails from 8th graders who are still figuring out life telling me their worries, their joys and sharing their world with me, lucky to have best friends who make the world so great, lucky that its Friday and this weekend is time to relax and enjoy life.

Mom had ankle surgery yesterday, and I didnt realize how good it would feel to hear her voice after, hear her feeling good, feeling like finally she could escape some of the things that have been bogging her down. When I talked to her before surgery I was so scared for her, I teared up knowing I wasn't there, knowing how huge this was and that if it worked out really it would change her life, and if it didn't it could be really scary. We are professionals on knee surgery, we go in everytime knowing it will be fixed, me more afriad of the needles then of the doctors cutting up my leg and replacing my ligaments, but we haven't been down the ankle road yet. The physical pain she has been experiencing has totally affected so many pieces of her world, and this surgery is what she has been banking on, its done, now it can only get better, and that makes my heart so happy.

I had an advising appointment yesterday to figure out my life, ha just kidding, that doesnt happen that easily, really to figure out next quarter. Im just excited, I like my classes, I cant choose classes next quarter cause they are all so interesting, I love that, I love that my classes make me think. I know I love people, and even more kids. Sociology and english is a perfect teaching degree, I dunno if I wanna teach, I didn't really think I did, but the one thing in life that makes me light up like none other is kids, their smiles, their awesome view on life, its so fantastic, so somehow thats gotta be in my life. Hmm.

I'm going home in like 21 days, and I'm so so excited. When you go away home becomes so much more fantastic and I cant wait to be with the people I love, but I will miss it here. It's gonna be weird, packing to go home. I mean that will ALWAYS be home, no matter where I go, but today, and this year this right here is home. My bed in the sunshine, Keely and Stella and everyone else, this is where I am now. Its weird how you go into this having no idea and before you know it it becomes your life. The pictures, its all home. But also, forever and for always...mom and Ese and Zachy and Chels and Dave and Will and Liv and the snow will be home. I love that, I love that that will never change, no matter how much the rest of life changes. I have so much more to talk about but Im gonna be late to class :) So to be continued

stars, life, Jimmy Buffet and an amazing brother

I had the most fantastic weekend. For so many different reasons than the usual fantastic weekend.

Driving to Santa Cruz, in the back of the car with Hayley, Keely and Stella, jammin Nsync, Birthday Sex, I Love College, ya know all the necessities I looked out the window and screamed. There were stars! A huge black sky filled with millions and millions of stars. Something in my heart clicked and I couldn't stop staring at them. I haven't seen stars since I've been here, the light pollution pretty much completely eliminates them, and seeing stars brought me home and to so many memories of star gazing and just constantly admiring how beautiful the sky is. Night after night we'd be walking from the cars to the house and with nothing but "look at the sky" the world stopped, every night when I stopped to look at the stars it seemed like nothing else mattered, like the world would find its way, sometimes the only other thing that mattered was you, and that was such an amazing feeling. When things were so hard at home I'd fall asleep with the blinds up so I could watch the stars, it felt like no matter what was happening I could hold onto the stars, they would always be there to aid me in thinking or more importantly not thinking. Something about that, makes my heart soar, and when I noticed they were there again my whole world seemed to feel a little closer to home, a little more in love with life, not that I wasn't already thoroughly enjoying belting out our most recent jams :). The stars are not just in Colorado, or just in Santa Cruz California, or just from the top of my roof, or from the trees where your house is, the stars are everywhere, maybe you cant always see them but they are there. You can always share them with anybody no matter how far away they are, the stars are like a different kind of sunshine.

We went and had pizza and I asked where the honey is, the table of California kids and of course our token Nebraska looked at me like I was freakin speaking Chinese...they dont put honey on their pizza crust in this lovely cultured state. What the hell is that about? Its funny how you think your ways are the ways of the world, and then slowly, in a new world you see that things are just a little bit different, and we can teach each other. Steezy or chauch or polin...they mean the same but I've never heard the last two, they've never heard steezy, thats like a staple of the Colorado lingo these days. Q'doba, Village Inn, nope they dont have those here, no Smiling Moose either. Obviously those are all unimportant, and mostly the differences are, just little things that you just think everyone has, but the custom of putting honey on the crust, the best part of the pizza is part of our Colorado culture, and not of theirs. Its more of a big picture thing, my way is not the only way...there are so many different little pieces of life all over the country, the world, everywhere, its amazing, I wanna learn it all, and I want them to try some damn honey on their crust :)

After some fun at the beach, dipping our toes in, building sand castles, dancing and being crazy we went to the campus and spent the night just exploring, we went on a merri go round, star gazed on top of a building, on top of this crazy sgwiggle (how the heck you spell that i have no idea) and went into some sweet, sticky and muddy caves. There were trees everywhere, some deer and no matter when I looked up the stars were still there, it felt like home, and the adventure felt like a colorado adventure too, it was fantastic. :) We went to bed at 4 in the morning, I dreamt about skiing and woke up at 11 realizing I really needed to be on the bus in town at 11:40, I didnt make it so I spent an hour at the bus stop talking to my best friend and playing papi jump.

Then...we went to Jimmy Buffet. Really it was this concert called the Bridge School Benefit, Jimmy Buffet was just one of the bigger names. Sheryl Crow, Chris Martin from Coldplay, No Doubt, Monsters of Folk and Neil Young were some of the other ones. Sheryl Crow was the first that really got me going. She only played a few songs but she sat on a bench and sang to us, she seemed so real. Her lyrics got to my heart, like a lot. She talked about life " No one said it would be easy, no one said it'd be this hard, no one thought we'd come this far" thats so my life, and so everybody's life, and its nice when people can get into your world, thats how you fall in love with music, cause it fits. She talked about love...letting go, not holding on, so many things. Then she finished with "I'm gonna soak up the sun, I'm gonna tell everyone to lighten up" listen to the lyrics of all these songs sometime, they are amazing. And soaking up the sun, looking up, those are the lyrics to my life, seriously that is what I live by, it was amazing. Then Jimmy Buffet came on, and he's just great. His smile is so warm and his music is so beachy and the words are so much a part of a culture, he is like a culture of relaxin on the beach and enjoying the world, its fantastic. Of course Jes and I know all the words and are jammin like crazy, it was fantastic, I cant wait to go to a real Jimmy Buffet concert. Chris Martin from Coldplay was my other favorite, he was great.

It was just a great night all around, sitting in the lawn listening to great music with my favorite person, we talked all night, about everything. Life til here, what I'm gonna do with my life, how amazing the now is, so many things. My brother is the most amazing person on earth, and I seriously would be absolutely nothing without him. And I live 45 mins away from him, and I can hang out with him all the time. Its amazing.

It was a really great weekend, I felt a lot of good stuff and thought about a lot of good stuff. I really am in love with this life. And in 4 weeks Ill be home to share it with the people who got me here, and I am so excited for that. I have midterms this week, and an unbelievable amount of work to do today... so its library time, but at least I can have this amazing weekend to motivate me :)

lucky lucky life

Last night we had some serious girl talk. We were a little homesick so we need sometime to feel. It was so nice, and we talked about a lot of really good stuff, and some bad stuff, but we just talked. It was interesting. Everyone has their world's, and still so many things about them that I dont know. But..I feel like I have had such a completely different world. My parents were never too strict, or too invovled in my life. I was the kid wishing they would wonder what I was doing. I figured everything out by myself, I raised myself with them as my support. I love my parents to death, I would be nothing without them, especially my mom, but they have effected me in such a different way then most people's parents. Most of them are here cause they couldnt go somewhere else, this was their safety, last choice, or just one of the lower ones. This was my top choice that I fought so hard for, and put so much of my life into, and I couldnt be happier to be here. I know they are happy to be here, they are, we all love it, we feel really lucky to have each other and this world, but seriously every single day I remember how freakin lucky I am to be here, and am so happy that it worked out. This is where I am supposed to be, and some sort of crazy fate got me here, and I dont ever wish I was somewhere else. Its just crazy, different. But I like it this way. I like being here and constantly remembering how I almost didnt get to be here, how for years I was told this was gonna be too hard, too expensive, too far away, and guess what I'm here. I like that I figured my life out, that I love my parents dearly but I know how to make life go on my own, I know how to motivate and work hard and be independent despite anything that happens, I am me because of all the things that happened, and as hard as they were I cant imagine my life being in different, really I can.

Then we talked about friends, and missing them, and being scared to go home and see how people have changed. Of course there are people that have and will change. But my core group, my family, will not change, we will always be us. Yes we will grow, but no matter how far away we are we will always grow together and learn from each other and share our worlds. So many people dont have what we have, went to daycare together and still best friends even though we went seperate ways starting in third grade. We are so lucky, and while my family is a little dysfunctional my friends are more amazing then most people could ever understand, thats another reason why Im here. I have the best support group ever ever ever. I love that I wanna talk to them everyday, tell them about my world, hear about their world. I love that as much as I miss them I dont feel far away, I feel like they are always in my heart, always always always. And its absolutely amazing. Sigh... so, its interesting learning about people's lives, it helps you see how yours has unfolded, its great.

I got a job! and I start today, tutoring 8th grades. Ha, perfect, seriously, Young RYLA has made me love 8th graders. I think 7th and 8th grade freakin blow, they did for me, and the kids at camp definitley were like what the heck am i gonna do with my life, im so stuck. So I'm psyched to be with them, learn from them, teach them, and have a little kiddo sunshine in my life.

AND! OMG!!! JESSE AND I ARE GOING TO JIMMY FREAKIN BUFFET THIS WEEKEND! AHHHHHHH! I am sooooo excited, seriously I've been wanting to go to Jimmy Buffet for as long as I can remember, I grew up on that mans beach music next to the lake, its like a part of my culture and with my brother, PERFECT! I'm so stoked, seriously SO stoked! I love being here and being able to do stuff like that with him that easy, and having stuff like that to do so easily and so often. Its great.

As different as all our lives are, we came to a consensus last night. We are soooooo lucky, for everything we have. Life is all about luck, ok not all about luck, but a lot about luck, and being fortunate and using it as best you can. We got a pretty good life going for us, no matter what shit we've been through, we're here and its amazing. And so many other things beyond just here are amazing.... :) :) :)

onto week 5..CRAZY

So I always have a lot to say, and no time to say it, then I have time to say it and cant remember what all I wanted to say. Week 4 of college, done. What the heck, how did that happen? We've almost been here for a month. In some ways it feels like we've been here FOREVER and at the same times it feels like we just got here yesterday. Gosh, I love it here.

My classes are getting interesting, past the boring intro and into things that actually make me think. We had a buddhist and islamic speaker in my religion class that were both really cool, make you think, wonder what you agree with kinda speakers. Thats such a better way to learn about differences then through a book. And we are gonna have a lot more, i think she is good at understanding we learn better through real life then just hearing. In my philosophy class we're now reading a book called Guns, Germs and Steal and its about how environment effects the development of cultures, thats pretty cool. I like english, as always and have a problem of talking too much, i just think the subject is really interesting and have a lot of thoughts. Any my sociology teacher is boring but I like the subject. I've been thinking about maybe doing a sociology and english double major. I like those subjects and I think they both study a broad range of things that I am interested in. I'm just not exactly sure what I'd do with it, but people say don't think about that cause you'll either go to grad school or just end up doing some job that may or may not relate to your degree, instead you should do what you love. So...we'll see. Seems like a big decision to choose that major but I've been thinking about it for about a week now, haha, thats a long time for me and my major thoughts.

I've been doing more stuff with SCCAP (Santa Clara Community Action Programs) and i really like it. We did this thing called Kids Club last week where you go to this like house/playground and play with kids who have a parent in prison, help them with their homework and just hang out with them. Its really fun cause they really need you and enjoy your presence. Plus always and forever I just am amazed by the light in the eyes of all children, the world is so much more exciting to them. I watched the girl I tutored sound out words and say them out loud with more pride and excitement than you would ever hear an adult say a word with. It's great, I really enjoy it and am gonna try to go every week. I also went to San Fran the last two Friday's to do Project Open Hand which delivers meals to terminally ill people in the tenderloin and we make sandwiches and pass them out to the homeless. It is an amazing experience seeing into the lives of these people, helping them and becoming comfortable in a place of such strife. The second week was even more rich than the first and I can imagine it will continue like that. The people from school that do both these programs are really awesome which makes it that much better....I love it, everything I wanted is here.

I went to get ice cream (frozen yogurt actually-its a fad here) with Berkeley today, my friend I met through Molly who lives a couple floors up. We haven't hung out forever and it was so nice to spend sometime together. We talked about everything, we have some sort of deeper Colorado connection and just get each other, its great. We talked a little about how my group of friends is super tight and maybe I need to branch out a little and meet some new people. It was so good to get that in my head because its true, there are so many awesome people here and I don't wanna miss out on any awesome friendship. But I have to say my group of friends is amazing, I love them so dearly and we have had some really fun nights just staying in lately which is great.

On the other hand, I miss my crew at home. This weekend is Tiff's birthday and Zachy called me last night when they were all together...Dave, Elyse, Chels, Tiff, Zachy and even Will. A few of them were on speaker phone and I just cried, I felt so bad cause they were having a blast but it just hit me how far away I was and made me so sad I couldn't be there. Then I remembered that I'm here, and as soon as I get home they will still be there and it will be as great as ever and I was better. I love them so much and miss them tons but I know, they, unlike most other people, will always always be a my family and in my world no matter where our paths lead us. Tiff and I talked about her maybe coming to visit, who knows if it will happen but it would be sooo sooo great! And I REALLY hope Zachy and Ese and anyone else in the whole world can come visit in the spring when we aren't gonna have Thanksgiving break to look forward to which I seriously CANNOT wait for.

Today I really wanted to go for a bike ride, for the first time I really missed just having open space and looking at a beautiful view that no one created and that was right out my window everyday. Don't get me wrong its beautiful here and I love it to death but its such a different beauty than home. The scene at home is something I cant explain and miss so very much. I love that place, I really do.

There is something else sooo taking over my head but I dunno what I wanna say about it. I wanna remember the good not the bad, I wanna be friends, make peace, be mature. I dont understand the male species, seriously I dont get it. Its been driving me crazy lately but its getting better, I have to do not think. Thinking just does me NO good and despite what I might think I always feel better when I do...so thats the plan from now on. Ill do what I can and if I dont get some response well at least I tried....

I wish I had a clue what I was doing tonight, everyone is gone, which has actually been nice kinda having a day to do my own thing. Ha, no matter what we do it will be fun though, it always is. Last night we attempted to sleep with 6 people in one bad, that was an epic failure..obviously. Crazies. I love it, SO SO SO SO MUCH! I just have to remember, and try to sleep more, I've still being having a really hard time sleeping. Cause when I think about the hear and the now I am in love with it, its when I think about other stuff that drives me crazy. :), back to some hw, I have sooo much!

Culture...over stimulated?

Today in Sociology we talked about Culture, the professor had us go out and each find something material that we felt represents the culture of Santa Clara, maybe something less well known about the school, that you become apart of once you get here. The culture of Santa Clara is what I was attracted to. Of course only a few people spoke but heres some of what the class came up with...

the library-a place to study, with an emphasis on technology and group learning

the roses- a place of beauty, historical focus, serenity, peacefulness

the sidewalk announcements - unity, activity, care for the environment, excitement

of course we only had time for some but i thought of some other ones

the library terrace- studying, being outside, being together, comfortable, laid back, beautiful views

swig- again unity, excitement, activity, freshmen, craziness

ruff riders t-shirts- unity, excitement, athletics, enjoyment

the trees- serenity, peace, beauty, the environment

the church- jesuits, peace, serenity, spirituality, beauty, community, caring

There are so many things. But the culture of Santa Clara, those are the reasons I came here, and the reasons I am in love with it...community, studying, peace, beauty, excitement, activity, all these things are everything I ever wanted. And I love that when Im sitting in class I just think of how fortunate I am to be here in this world where everything is exactly what I was looking for. Sigh

Despite all that love and joy..haha Im in a little bit of a funny place. Im exhausted today and just feel like there is just too much going on, too many people and I need some me time. Tiff told me to find a me spot on campus and she is so right, I need to get on that. I love the people on my floor so much and I love hanging out with them but sometimes i get tired of them ALWAYS being in my room and not leaving me alone like today when I was trying to nap and study I didnt feel like being bothered, and in some ways its something you can barely get away from. Ill be fine, tomorrow, Im just cranky and tired, and I have little spurts of missing home. But what can you expect. There are like some big things going at home this weekend and next weekend..Ms.Oaks thing and Tiffs bday that I would love to be at so thats kinda hard, but it just is. Sometimes I get stuck in my head thinking about how far away I've put myself but I did this for a reason, and I will always go back there and have those relationships, because the ones that matter are my family, not just my friends. I'm gonna go to the gym and blow some steam, then play some volleyball and maybe do a little searching to find a me spot, cause I am in love with this place, and I might as well do what I can to avoid the little bitty road bumps :)

Miracles, God, Spirituality?

Yesterday I got the email about Ms.Oaks and I cried. Today Katie called me to tell me some great news about her uncle who was thought to have maybe 2 weeks left over 3 months ago and now might have a chance to survive. I read through the entire journal of his journey through his battle with cancer. And I cried. Friends wrote about his challenges, Sean wrote about his joys, his faith, and his love for people. I just talked to Molly, and again talked about Ms.Oaks, her love for us, for life, and everything she gave us, and how much we wish we could give all that back to her kids, who now do not have a mother, who our hearts break for. Katie's uncle has an 8-20% chance of surviving now "its SO much better then 0" she says, that is an understatement, as she herself would agree. That is the best news their family has had since this all hit. And I'm thoughtful

Today we had the Mass of the Holy Spirit, a mass to bless the community for the coming year, I went cause I had to for class, and cause I was interested. All my life we have been "catholic" since I can remember we have only been going to church on Christmas and maybe Easter. I have never really felt it, or got it. Today..I felt it. I was so interested, so compelled byt he feeling of the church. And then again, I thought about Sean and Ms.Oaks, and the ups and downs and miracles of life.

I cant explain Ms.Oaks, I absolutely cannot understand why she should have her life taken away, why her children should have their mother taken away. Maybe its just life, just the medical part of human beings, or maybe there is a higher power. Maybe she needs to teach someone else to love, like she taught us to love and learn and thrive in life. But Sean, he is a miracle, already, and if that 8-20% suffices he is without question a miracle. The teenager who fell out of a truck and blew a .414 and survived is a miracle. Me being here, in this beautiful place, that is a miracle. I dunno about God, I dunno about churches, I dunno about religion. But...I know that I am here, Sean has a chance, Andrew is alive, and miracles like this actually do happen, more then just the ones we know. I also know that today when I was in that church I felt compelled to pray, to hear what they were saying, to be apart of the power of the church, of the religion. I felt compelled to think about religion, even though lots of times i wonder if it creates judgement.

I wish Ms.Oaks could be with her children, I wish people didn't have to suffer, i cant understand that, but for some reason today I feel like there is a bigger power in control of our lives. I dunno if I'll feel the same way tomorrow but Im gonna explore this feeling, I just wanna check it out, think about things like this, not just dismiss them like they do not matter. Spirituality is the center of a lot of peoples lives, the explanation of their world, maybe its time to think about it.

oh life

I have a lot of random thoughts today but first of all..

I got an email about the service they are holding for Ms.Oaks this weekend and it took everything I have to not start bawling. I want to be there so bad, for her, for her family, for all of SHS, and for me. I remember the last day of class, she told us how much she has enjoyed having us and how much we have helped to make her life better and how we have fueled her passion. Does she know how much she gave to us? Does she know how she completely changed our lives, through her presence, how her teaching changed our view of literature, and education in general, and how her compassion made our hearts bigger and more able to give. We were so lucky to have a year with her and even just to have her around the other years we didn't have her and that other people around us had her. My heart breaks for her kids, who will be absolutely wonderful people because of their time with her. But they deserve to have her forever. Sigh, Keely says "I hate cancer"...seriously its terrible. So, since I cant be at the service, that I would give so much to be at, I will be thinking of you Ms.Oaks, and of all of you that are too feeling this loss, of her family, her kids especially, and of the world she blessed with her presence and that will miss her so dearly. Sigh

Its hard to just move onto a new subject after that but...

Susan sent me a picture of my car covered in snow today, and somehow it made me miss home sooo much. I love it here and it is everything I was hoping for, but the comfort of that snow, even my car, that world, all came rushing back and somehow maybe it seemed real. Oh Leadville, I love that place. I told Tiff I missed home and she goes "its ok youll be home in 47 days!" haha, i love her. And seriously I am so excited to be home. Not because I dont wanna be here, but because its home, and the comfort of being back there makes my heart warm, like everything will just be what it always has been and just comfortable, and enough of a reminder that that will always be there for me to keep keepin on here, and lovin this world and that world mutually. I cant wait to see everyone, and sleep in my big bad, and everything. Its gonna be FANTASTIC!!! I CANT FREAKIN WAITTTT!!!!

K finally, back to here. Im doing swim club, cause Lauren talked me into it. And its sooo hard, but sooo good for me. And enjoyable. We started a volleyball team too and our games started Sunday, its just a bunch of fun people so it should be super fun. Im so cozy here, in my bed, in my room, in this world. It feels like home, in a weird different kinda way. Spending the weekend in San Fran was awesome, its sweet that its so accessible, and my brother is there and I can just see him that easily. I love it. Literally everyday I walk around still just in awe at the fact that I am here and it is as amazing as it is. The way it all fell into place just makes it all that much better. And its freakin fantastic. My classes are getting so interesting, like I just wanna listen to what the professor has to say because it makes me think, they are getting a little more difficult..but, what can you expect? There is so much going on, so many awesome opportunities all around me. I love it. And am continuously excited, for everyday.

Actually there is more, I talked to Scotty today forever. And we were talking about our RYLA world, and how its such a different world then our other worlds and how we just want it to all be back together. First of all Scotty is fantastic. But...pretty much the point is we all need to do what were doing, then end up all in the same place, in one big house, or just the same neighborhood, so we can be together all the time. Oh RYLA, i miss you. Its fun to know we will all be back there, and have another run at the amazingness.

Im one lucky girl. This is pretty much about all these great people and things in my life. That have gotten me here, and will get me through the rest of life. I love it, I need to remember it everyday, every minute. Cause its great :)