"I cant believe tomorrow's another Friday"

November 1st?!?!? Where did you come from? I said to Margot on our bike ride to school this morning "I cant believe tomorrow is another Friday?!?!" and we proceeded to talk about how this year has already flown by and the likelihood that it will only continue to speed up more and more. Its wild. So much has happened that I always think about coming here to write about... but somehow the free minutes in my life just seem to slip away.

But today is a rainy, scarf, tea and lay in bed kinda day. And those days somehow leave me thoughtful and wanting to curl up and write posts about my life. So... here I am, long over due, with quite the list of things to update on... bear with me.

2 weeks ago on Saturday I stood in a line of 11 bridesmaids watching my brothers face as he said I do to my new sister in law. I cried listening to Kylie's letter to Jesse celebrating all the wonderful things in him. I loved being on her side so I could see his expression and get a little glimpse into how he felt. It was absolutely beautiful. The sun literally came out the second Kylie walked out of the room where we all got ready "thats my dad" she said. We walked along the golf cart path with a trumpet and saxaphone leading us to the reception cheering and waving our wands. I looked back at the long line of people following them in this beautiful place with the sun shining and everybody celebrating and forgot about how much my feet hurt... it was freaking amazing. I waited nervously til the time finally came to do my speech and I couldnt have asked for it to go better. About 30 seconds in I had to add a "sorry Jes I cant look at you or Ill cry, but I would if I could" I held it together and felt really wonderful about getting to tell my brother how much I love him and how happy I was to welcome Kylie into our family in front of all those people. As soon as I got to him the tears came pooring out but it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Then I cried more watching him and my mom dance. They are my the foundation of my being and have been through so so so much. Watching them up there dancing, chatting, smiling was just incredible. Finally we got the emotions out of the way and spent the rest of the night dancing our butts off to the amazing 8 person band. I havent had that much fun in a long time and I have never ever seen my brother that happy. It was perfect. And crazy. And I left feeling so grateful for my big quirky family and hopeful that someday I will fall in love and marry someone who makes me that happy too (ha... sometimes Im not sure)

October was a month of a lot of "a year ago this time..." October was a big month at the Casa. Campo week, the rain, silent retreat, Dean Brackley passed away and then vacation. It was a time of so so much pain. But also an incredible amount of growth. Such a formative month that really had a huge affect on how it all ended. We became a family, we saw suffering through a new lense, we mourned the loss of someone who started the Casa and we came together at the end of it stronger than ever. Two weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane back there. I cant wrap my mind around it but I am also quite blow away at the person I am today compared to at the beginning of October a year ago. I have learned and grown so much. I am excited to get back to the place that really started all of this. To feel some of that pain but more than anything the love and the joy. We are studying El Salvador in my Poli Sci class right now and read something on Sobrino today. He said "the opposite of joy is not suffering it is sadness, the people can and are joyful although they are suffering" Mami Santo's big smile flashed through my mind and I am so excited to hug her, to feel what it feels like to be there now and to celebrate that beautiful time.

The days and weeks flying by has also left me thinking a lot about the future. A lot a lot.  A few weeks ago I met with someone who did Jesuit Volunteer Corps International. A two year program that I have been thinking about on and off. I left and nearly had an anxiety attack because I just realized that it is a really good option and one that I think is pretty right for me, and that freaks me out. The anxiety that came with thinking about the future motivated me to get my butt in to gear... researching and thinking and just exploring my heart to see what is right for next year. There are a lot of options... and I just have to tell myself what I keep telling other people.. there is something out there for me that is a really good fit and I am more than capable to find it and fall in love with it. Right now I am thinking of applying to JVI, a few teacher corp programs, a year long service program in Minnesotta and to be a CC at the Casa. I am finally to the point where a lot of options sound good and I really trust that I will end up where I am supposed to bed. I wish I could say that took away the stress completely... but it doesnt and I have some serious application work to be doing.. crazy that its time to figure that out!
 
Life is busy and full but its not a crazy that leads me into a flurry of anxiety any more. It feels like home and routine and it is full of things that I really really enjoy. Last weekend was my first free weekend since school started. On Friday I sat in the sunshine for two hours alone doing absolutely nothing and I could feel the life seeping back into me. It was magical and I would recommend it to anyone who is over committed, tired and cranky. Its like getting a full night sleep but better!  Ive been feeling incredibly grateful for my education and the spaces I have to talk about important things... rural farmers vs the world bank, jails and the injustices in them, homelessness, fixing vs serving. I am inspired everyday. By the people around me, the course material, the two year old who never fails to make me smile and I just dont think I could ask for anything more. I am getting so much out of this amazing place this last year here and I guess its better that it is flying by cause I am taking full advantage of all the opportunities than crawling by cause Im doing nothing. This post doesnt quite to justice for my life or my heart but its a start... happy November, I hope it feels like fall where you are and you can cozy up with a blanket and tea and relax a little! xoxoxo

Update: Life is so good and Senior year has begunnnn!

You know what I should be doing right now... homework. HOMEWORK?!? Ahhh scary. Its funny how for the past month and a half of summer I have sat down numerous times to write a blog post and it just wouldn't come. But when I have homework to do it seems that writing a blog post is the best and easiest decision i could possibly make.

A few things. I had an amazing summer, I thought about (and started three blog posts that never finished about it) as the summer of love again and again. I am overwhelmed by how much goodness flowed from the minute I stepped onto U.S. soil, even and especially in the midst of some change and ouchies and just plain old life. I got to spend seriously quality time with so many people I love and just really was present to every single moment of goodness, friendship, family and people that I love to smithereens.  I dont have enough words for it, I am beyond blessed with a lot a lot of love in my life and the last month of summer filled me to the brim with it. Paraguay was a lot of things.. beautiful, challenging, inspiring, discouraging and sometimes really boring but it was also a good time for me to learn to love myself again. And then I came home and was reminded of how huge of a community of support I have and how much life and love they give me. 5 days in Seattle with my best friend after 6 big months of growth of total soul food, 5 days in Milwaukee full to the brim of Casa love, so much laughter, talking about the pains and beauty of this world and our place in it all, 10 days at home where I completely 100% fell back in love with Colorado.. the people, the sights, the home feeling and all the wonderful memories I have there, loved on some littles who totally have my heart, vegged on my couch and had some quality mama time and spent a wonderful silly weekend with my best friends and finally 4 days in Michigan reading by the lake that has been an oasis since I was just a little girl with blonde pig tails getting yelled out for not washing the sand off my feet before coming in. It was too good to be true and really left me ready as could be to come back to this amazing year. I am so so grateful for every single moment and all of the people who just shower me in love and goodness... I will never be able to say thank you enough times, and really what more could I ask for in life.

I have been so excited for this year since the slow process of settling into this house began when I came home from Paraguay... excited to have a whole year in one place, excited for the renewed feeling of being strong and sure in myself, connected, motivated and just inspired to be here in a way I couldn't be when I got back in January and so many other things. I have just felt so ready for it.

And as soon as I got on that plane in Michigan the year was in full force with everyone finally home moving in at once, SCCAP cars to be washed, office to be cleaned and retreat to be planned and BAM less than 24 hours later we were on our way. It was so good. SO SO good. SCCAP brought me out of my weird freshmen year shell into Casa, International Development and so many people and things I love about this place and it just couldn't feel more right to be back at it again, on a little bit different side doing a little more giving because now I can give... but I also am getting so much. Our staff is amazing, inspiring, hillarious, committed and ready to make SCCAP whatever it needs to be to bring goodness to the Santa Clara community and to connect students with populations that break open our hearts, to fall in love and to support each other, to bring their volunteers on board and to have a whole lot of fun. So good. Also... lap tag is the most hillarious game ever.. look it up.

I came home to some serious settling needing to be done and with the help of my lovely Mama and some stay up all night instead of sleeping motivation my room finally feels like home. And senior year has officially started. It feels good... really good. Having both Hayley and Margot in this house is the best thing I could ever ask for and Margot turned what used to be a nasty shed into a cozy little home that is great for snuggling and exactly what she needs. As we walked home from a barbeque together Sunday night we talked about how much things have changed, how right it feels to be here and how good this year is going to be. Last year was a rollercoaster and coming out of it strong and excited for more is so great. Its a big contrast but that really sucky feeling 6 months ago is a constant reminder to not take all this goodness for granted and now its a new, real, deep, honest goodness- not just a wide eyed and bushy tailed, everything is wonderful lets not talk about anything that might not be, kinda goodness. Im all in and I am STOKED.

This new friend I have called anxiety got the best of me on Tuesday night after a conversation about GSB that had me thinking about my research effecting grad school and jobs, what Im gonna do with my life, what the best way to make social change is and if I'm even cut out to be thinking about these things followed by a Capstone class that is also too stressful and a quite busy schedule. That snuggle shed and a soul sister who just knows me was there to remind me that I gotta slow down sometimes and I had a few good conversations about how important it is to take care of ourselves. I am part of this large group of people who want to go, go and go to give to this world and sometimes get so overwhelmed we crash and burn.. and I am now advocating for the "we cant give to anyone else if we cant give to ourselves" morale and responded to Tuesdays overwhlemed with a slow, take some time for me Wednesday morning. Ebb and flow baby. I feel balanced again and am inspired by the things that are keeping me busy and slowly feel like I am finding ways to make my schedule manageable and will be in a routine next week. YAY!

Im right where Im supposed to be. I have so much goodness to be involved with and I am beyond excited for this year. I have this feeling it might be the best one yet.. like Im not just saying that, Im so much stronger on my feet, know where I want my heart to be committed and thus feel so excited to give my whole heart to those things. I have a community of people I love to smithereens... some to just laugh and be silly with and some that will have the conversations my heart loves to have. Some that I just met and others that feel like they have known me my whole life. Im stoked about my classes and have faith that my life will come together just as its supposed to and step by step I will find my way into what to do with this life. So... on the days that I feel overwhelmed with the big picture I will remind myself of the little things and on days when I get lost in the logistics, emails and too much to dos, I will remind myself of the big picture. Life is good.. like really freaking good.

Now Im gonna go love on my little Karina... bliss <3 br="br">

Be Here Now

Those words jog all sorts of emotions and memories. Song lyrics, Juans voice during meditations, words above Margots bed and reminder upon reminder. Whoa

This semester's Casa group is on their way to El Salvador as we speak. Do you know what that means... ONE YEAR AGO I was getting on the plane in my yellow tshirt and jeans, tears in my eyes as I hugged my mom goodbye and with far too much stuff to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Finding Linds, Abby, Katie, Maria and the rest of the group in the Dallas airport... the awkward looks as we tried to decide if I was looking for them.. if I was part of the group. Then Nate and Laura coming with their Aunt Abbys pretzels and how wonderful it felt to see a familiar face. I remember sitting with Abby, Nate and Laura eating lunch, calling my brother before getting on the plane, the awful lunch we had and Laura offering us snacks. Going through security as a group, coming out to meet Sully and Em and when Margot finally caught up. The bus ride to the houses, unloading our suitcases through the window and Quentin greeting me in Casa Romero. The burrito meal, sitting in Katie's room as she unpacked and the hammock with Ella. I started my new journal that night and was restless- too excited to really sleep. That was just the first day. Then we sat in a circle the next morning and played the "I love my neighbor who" game, laughed as people broke chairs, wrote letters to ourselves and I just KNEW from the moment we landed it was right.

Whoa. I feel distant from that girl in some ways. But I also know my core is the same. I just cannot believe it was a year ago. So much has happened since then... so much growth and change. Its funny the processing of that time. It seems like it just might continue forever. When I thought about them all going today it sat on my heart a little funny. Something about a whole new year makes me feel like I need to let go even a little more. And makes me feel a little farther away. I cannot even believe how incredible of a time that was. How bright eyed and naive I was going in.. knowing it was right and being so excited but really having not a clue in the world of all that would come in the next four months. The family I would create... bonds that are rooted so so deeply in my heart, the pain and suffering I would not only see but suddenly feel oh so connected to when I fell in love with the people of Cedro and was welcomed into their family, the challenges and frustrations I would face trying to figure out how I fit into this world, and the book of my life I would open up to explore for the first time.. and come out on the other side whole in my brokeness.. getting on the plane once again only to face 8 more months of continued growth, changing and human becoming.

So.. if this post is called Be Here Now why the heck am I rambling on and on about El Salvador. Because I love it with my whole heart. Because I still have lots of moments when I wish I could just rewind and go back because it really truly was the most amazing four months of my life. And because every day I keep learning what it means to go forward with Casa on my heart.

As I write this I am listening to business plans for social enterprises at the Global Social Benefit Incubator put on by the same center that sent me to Paraguay. A female African Social Entreprenuer is teaching us about the business plan of her organization that provides insurance to farmers in Africa... and my brain thinks of the rains in El Salvador, and how incredibly helpful insurance would have been to so many that lost their crops.  I am going to see some Casa loves next week. Their faces are my computer background. Paraguay was full of light because of how Casa prepared me and when someone asked me if I wanted to continue in development work after the challenge that was Paraguay I said yes absolutely.. because of Casa, because of what happens when you fall in love and because of all that it created inside of me. I am so much stronger because of it. Casa runs through my blood. Like always.

Im not particularly skilled at change. Moving on. Letting go. I just want to hold onto things forever. But slowly Im learning I don't have to let go. I would give a lot to be in El Salv right now... I think of all the faces of that country that just make my heart soar and who I miss so much. But we knew from the beginning that we were going to El Salvador to have our lives affected forever... but also to come home, to move forward, to give back to this world in the ways Casa taught us. I miss it so much but I am also incredibly incredibly excited for this year. It is full of things that will affect my heart in similar ways that Cedro did.. leading an immersion trip, being a Department Coordinator, taking such cool classes and just knowing my heart a way I didnt when I got off of that plane a year ago.

Having a whole year at Santa Clara sounds really amazing. I felt so discombobulated coming back last year and I am just so excited to be here for the next year. To give my whole heart to all the wonderful things and people here and to really just feel settled and at home, not like half my heart is in El Salvador screaming at me to come back and save it. Freshmen and Sophomore year I was completely obsessed with this place. And I am ready to love it all over again. To be here now and really just soak up all the goodness. The process of understanding what happened in El Salvador and how to keep it with me forever may never end... but the way I carry it on my heart with me feels good and instead of feeling like a hole in my heart feels more and more like it is breathing light, understanding and goodness into my life.

I miss El Salvador all the dang time. But I am so thankful for the ways it continues to manifest in my life. And for the next group of Casa students... get ready for the most amazing four months of your life. Holy wow we are blessed to be a part of such a beautiful thing. I feel ready and so excited for the year ahead of me. Its gonna be a good one... I can feel it.

Gratitude

I keep coming back here to write a post about the end and the transition back. And for some reason the words just aren't coming.

I cant belive a week ago I was spending my last day in Oviedo. The end was perfect. Somehow it seems like the end is always perfect. We spent three days at the girls school in the jungle in Embaracayu. Our mornings were spent in the campo with the girls and our afternoons relaxing and enjoying the scenery. It was so so wonderful. Wonderful to really get to interact with the girls- we worked in the garden with them, chatted while we de-kerneled corn, laughed so hard canoing and swimming in the river, played soccer and learned some new dance moves from them. They were wonderful and part of me wished I could have spent my whole summer there. Being with them was just so much more natural and inspiring to me than sitting in the office, but I also know that being in the office and working with the microfinance was a new challenge that I so needed. I ran along the silent dirt roads and found little colonies of butterflies, danced to my music cause there was no one for miles, soaked in the stars and laid in the hammock and read. It was wonderful.

Then I came back to Oviedo and had three perfect last days with my family. I felt so so comfortable with them by the end and we all shed some tears when we had to say goodbye. We had a race doing laundry, made two more batches of coffee cakes (they loved those things) and had a special last dinner. I went to the pelequiera with the girls and we just really enjoyed our time together. I went for one last run and as I stopped to take in the beauty of the wide open spaces tears fell from my eyes, tears like the ones that fell the first weekend there but this time out of gratitude and love for this family and country instead of loneliness and fear. It felt like home after 5 short weeks and although I was excited to get back here, it was hard to say goodbye.  I couldn't have asked for a better last week... and as soon as I sit still and think about the funny little life I created there I miss it a whole lot. I still have some processing to do, my time in Paraguay was something so different than I expected it to be. The internship was not what I had hoped for but the growth that happened trying to make sense of it all is something I am incredibly grateful for and that family who loved me like their own was the biggest gift of all.

I came back to a lot of love and life. To a new house. Hot weather. Some things changing and some just how I left them. Our new house is wonderful, spacious and full of light. And summertime here is a fun thing to be a part of. Everyone keeps asking how the transition has been, and honestly part of me feels like I never left. This time was so so different than my time in El Salvador and the reverse culture shock just hasn't really hit me. I keep wondering if its going to sneak up on me out of no where or if I really am gonna get by without it. Its been interesting to find my place back here again. The last year at Santa Clara was such a bizarre year and so very challenging. I'm excited to have the whole year here to really settle in. I feel like I only had three months here last year because the first three back were spent just trying to keep my head above water. I know my soul better than I did when I left for Paraguay and when I feel any sort of funk from things changing and being out of a familiar routine I think back to those first couple nights in Paraguay when I really had to learn to comfort myself. I know what my soul needs. I know that getting up and going for a run and soaking up the rose gardens, swimming, journaling, calling the people I love really help me to feel like all is right in the world. And I am so thankful that I have slowly gotten to know those parts of myself and that even when things don't feel quite right, or quite like home I have some tricks up my sleeve to feed my spirit. Maybe thats why the transition is easier.

I have the most amazing friends in the world and am so thankful to come home to Hayley in my room for pillow talk about everything under the sun from relationships to friends to life after college to work in developing countries. And Cara to lay in bed with and feel all my emotions. I am going to see Margot in two days and I could not be more excited. It has been so long since we have been together and some big changes have happened in our hearts since then. I get home in two weeks and then go to Michigan with my daddio for four days. My life is really good. I am surrounded by so many people that I love and just have so much to look forward to. I cant believe I was in Paraguay for 6 weeks and am back already. Life just keeps moving with all the ebb and flow and up and down. 6 weeks ago Keith told me my sea legs were well developed... and today I feel like that is the most true its ever been. In the midst of all the waves I feel grounded in me and I am just so grateful for that. More processing to come about my time in that funny little office. But for now.. I am just relishing in the gratitude. <3 br="br">

Alive

"You are so alive" said Clarita "How did you know?" I asked while my brain caught up thinking "oh thats what this feeling is...this feeling of soaking up every ounce of beauty, wanting to call everyone I love and tell them just how much they mean to me, feeling connected to humanity and just excited for this life" Clarita would know... she watched me come alive.. and saw me the most alive Id ever been in Cedro. She's seen me at my highest and lowest and she just knows... so thanks for the words mujer.

This time has been challenging, but also just incredibly beautiful in the smallest ways. Last Friday I got on a bus to go meet Amanda in Carapagua. Since being here I have come to love the hours spent on busses, looking out the window at everything we pass- life, wide open space, cows, laughing kiddos and everything in between. Our bus broke down and everyone sat calmly, trusting the bus drivers, knowing there was nothing they could do, waiting patiently for the bus to be fixed. And in an hour we were on the road again. I thought about the way people would react in the states if the bus broke down... worrying, wanting to know what was wrong, calling families and bosses frantically cancelling appointments... but everyone just waited patiently. In El Salvador someone told me "You are learning patience and you dont even know it" it was so true, and learning about patience has only continued here. People just understand that life happens and there is no good in worrying or trying to take control of something you have no control over. There is a feeling in the air of just letting go and trusting that things will work out. And its such a beautiful lesson.

Saturday we went to an Eco Reserve with a high ropes course and zip line. It wasn't far out of Carapagua where the other girls have been living and was absolutely beautiful. A mix of wide open space and dense jungle. In true Latin America fashion we really had no idea what to expect and when I found myself standing on a single cable quite a ways off the ground (don't worry I had a helmet and a harness) my legs were a little shaky. There was no time to be scared ahead of time because I literally had no clue what we would be doing... so as I was walking along the cable trying not to slip I had no choice but to keep going and trust in my own strength and balance. It was exhilerating to be doing something new, different and a little scary. The mix of adrenaline and beauty around me left me feeling just what Clarita said.. alive, grateful and just so present. We ziplined, repelled down a cliff and then hiked back up to the top and it was so enjoyable to be hiking and quietly soaking up the beauty. I think that all the time of stillness, quiet and high levels of boredom in the office have led me to appreciate change, movement, newness and aliveness even more. Being outside, sweating and doing something challenging never felt better. We met some amazingly friendly Paraguayans who helped us get to our next destination and spent the rest of the day exploring a cute little town and then watching some Olympics in the hotel.  The Paraguayan people are incredibly friendly and really will help you however and whenever they can. It is a lot safer here than in El Salvador and although my heart belongs in El Salv its enjoyable to not constantly be a little on edge aware of the violence and sketchiness. Granted there is surely some of that here too but it just feels like we can relax a little more and really appreciate the people and sights around us. 

I spent Sunday morning in the hotel watching slam poetry and the Olympics, feeding two different parts of my soul and loving both. I am so incredibly grateful for my home stay family but sometimes living in someone else's home under the magnifying glass of gringoism can get a little tiring... another thing that has led me to so appreciate the freedom and independence I have at home. As I was cruising around Villa Rica in search of some ensalada (hard to come by around here) my home stay brother David called and said "Cuando regresaras?" and I hurried to get on a bus, feeling loved, and ready to come home. It is incredible that after 4 weeks of meals and watching TV together I really feel like I am coming home and am always so happy to see the smiling faces when I get back after being away. I have so come to love my family and will be sad to say goodbye always with the question David asked "Cuando regresaras" "Un dia" I tell them.. and I truly hope someday I can come back to see them. Ruty asks if Ill call her on her birthday and when just the two of us were home she yelled from her room about how much she'll miss me when I leave. She's kinda like the Christopher of Paraguay.. letting me into her heart and quickly finding her way into mine. She lets down her walls and just loves on me, always making me feel at home and part of the family, I love her to pieces and am forever reminded about how much pure innocence and love comes out of little ones, they are the best thing that ever happened to this world. We visited a family friend for her birthday and then went to a reza for a friend who had passed away. They introduced me as their new hija and I just felt so comfortable and peaceful sitting with them paseando, letting go and just slipping into the normalcy of their lives.

I sat down Monday morning in the office to try to write this post about feeling alive and I just couldn't get any words out. I do not feel alive in that office. As much as I try to stay positive, to keep myself busy and to really see the big picture of the time there...  sitting in the office silently staring at my computer screen with very little to do and very little interaction really sucks the life out of me. I have definitively learned that I do not want to spend my life in an office. I will literally loose my mind.

Last week I skyped with a connection of Jesse's that works at the Grameen Foundation... a huge player in the microfinance world. It was incredibly encouraging to talk to him and reminded me that although the time has been slow I have learned so much about microfinance, the Fundacion and Latin American NGO's in general. I actually was able to engage in a conversation with him about microfinance and what he does, asking questions based off of this time and inspired by the ways Grameen Foundation is implementing solutions to a lot of the challenges I have encountered. Spending 5 weeks in an office has not always been inspiring or motivating and in a lot of moments I have been discouraged. Questioning my place in it all, what this whole "International Development" thing even means and what exactly it is that so many people living in poverty really need. It was good to feel inspired again, and also is good that I am asking new questions. I think that there is a lot of good in micro- finance, but I can't say that this experience has opened me up to my vocation.. I'm not sure its in micro finance. I have struggled the whole time to understand what it means to give these women loans. In some ways that is just what they need, and in other ways I worry that what they need is so much more, so much different than just a chunk of money every few months. I think they need education, empowerment, support and relationships too. I don't know the answer yet but I do know that although I don't feel alive sitting in that office, I feel alive when my brain is asking those questions and know that this time has given me more experience to continue on this journey of figuring out how I can engage in the suffering that I first found in Cedro and that brings tears to my eyes when Im visiting the homes of the women here in Paraguay. I know that I do feel alive every time I get to leave the office and watch the women form a new committee or chat about how they will overcome challenges, I feel alive interacting with the girls at the school and I thrive off of that interaction, off of relationships, off of really understanding where people are coming from. I knew that before but this time has only confirmed that.. and it is good to be reminded of what it is that makes me come alive, and sometimes you have to feel bored out of your mind to learn that.

I have five more days here, I have learned a lot and grown in ways I totally did not expect to grow. I know there is only more understanding to come from this time here and I am excited to see the ways this growth continues to manifest. As I told Yoli last night I will be a good balance of sad to leave and ready to get home. My heart is not going to feel like it is being amputated like it did when I left El Salvador and I have a whole lot of goodness to look forward to when I get back to the states. Some time in the bay, Seattle for four days of soul food with Margot, Marquette to celebrate CWC's 21st and then finally home. I will be the most ready I have ever been to get home. I miss my mama, my best friends and my mountains and I know that 9 months away from all of that (way too long) is just going to make it all the more beautiful. I am learning what makes me feel alive and am just so grateful for all the beauty and light that has come out of the challenging moments. Here's to soaking up the last few days here, loving hard on my family and flying away feeling full and grateful. <3 br="br">

Vamos a pasearnos

"Vamos a pasearnos" they keep saying... what the heck does pasearnos mean? They can't really ever explain it.. just "vamos a pasearnos" Slowly I've learned to stop asking exactly what we are going to do when we are going to "pasearnos".. I've started to find a balance of when to ask questions and when to just wait and see... this is a wait and see occasion.

Pasear literally means "to walk" but it is used more so kind of as "to hang out". Sometimes it means we are going to get in the car and cruise around Oviedo with music blasting and the windows down, sometimes it means we are going to sit outside and drink terere (cold mate), every now and then it might mean going for a walk and this past weekend it meant going to Mass in another city and then stopping at seemingly every single family members house to say hello.

Basically it means we are going to be together.. doing what exactly is another story, but lately that doesn't matter as much because I so appreciate the time to just be together. In all this time paseandonos these relationships have been deepening and finding their way into my heart. The time we've spent "paseando" has started to make this place feel like home and today when I think about getting on a plane in two weeks it tugs on my heart strings a little.

Nina Eludia is the cleaning lady in the office and since the beginning I had a feeling she'd be someone I'd come to love. She's like the mama of the office, asking how everyone is, giving advice when we need it and going out to get everyone breakfast in the morning. Lately I've been going with her to get breakfast to curb my boredom in the office and to take advantage of some one on one time with this incredible loving mujer. She asks me about my life and tells me about hers and we just pasearnos. But from that little time together I feel so much closer to her. She tells me about her kids and how she used to live in Asuncion when there were just cows and not so much noise. She asks if my life is rushed at home, about school and if I work. She tells me about the challenges but more so the joys of her life, how hard she works but how in a year she will be able to work less and have more time with her kids. She's a little more vulnerable and real, so loving and just wonderful. And yesterday she asked how she could keep in touch when I left.. and I felt my heart skip a beat reminded again that "paseandonos" really makes a difference.

Last week I went to a meeting with Christina in a town about an hour away. Transportation is a challenge for her especially because she is the rural asesora and works with committees outside of Oviedo. She only has a moto (like most of the women) and it is too dangerous to take out of the city. So she takes the bus or sometimes finds friends that are willing to drive her to her different committee meetings. We took the bus in the morning to a town about an hour and a half away called San Juaquin, went to her meeting, stopped to see some friends and family and then sat at her god mothers trying to figure out how we'd get home. There are no busses that return to Oviedo in the afternoon because they are all bringing people back to San Juaquin. Since we couldn't find anyone to take us we ended up sleeping over at her god mothers.. and something about the time was so special. We didnt do anything but pasearnos, have dinner, sit on the couch and chat but I felt so much closer to her from that time together (and probably because we shared a bed ;)). I spend the most time with her and the other day she was leaving the office and asked me if I wanted to go. "Vamos a pasearnos" yet again.. we ended up at a friends house sitting outside, drinking terere, passing the baby around and just being together. Her friend asked me questions and Christina answered some, filling in like a big sister, joking about how they give me all the different food and Im willing to try everything. I felt so comfortable, so honored that she brought me along to her friends and just so grateful for the time to pasearnos.

Saturday night Virginia (my host mama) told me to get up at 5:30 the next morning cause we were leaving at 6:00. I asked a few times where we were going.. para pasearnos. So.. I got up as I was told (ended up waiting an hour for everyone else... thank you Latin America time) and got in the car ready for wherever we would end up. We drove for a while and I woke up to Virginia passing back chipa (typical Paraguayan delicious cheesy bread) to everyone in the volkswagon style van they have, feeling completely part of the family. We went to mass in Caacupe, the "Mecca of Paraguay" because of an image of the Virgin that is said to have saved a converted Guarani and survived the flooding of the entire valley. There is a big, beautiful cathedral, with a mirador filled with murals of the story of the particular Guarani who was saved by the image of the Virgin he created. The mass was overflowing and although I didn't understand it all I still find such peace whenever I go to mass and was reminded of the masses we went to in El Salvador. Afterwards we went to the original church where there is a constant flow of water said to be sacred water. People crowded around the water source, filling jugs and splashing their faces with the holy water. Virginia and Don Pedro explained it all to me, told me to go wash my face in it and then we took photos with the holy water. The space buzzed with the energy, excitement and faith of the people who come to Caccupe to be healed and blessed by the water where the miracle happened.

We then went to three other towns to visit the Abuelas on both sides and four different tias. The first Grandma we visited lived in a much poorer little town, she showered me in kisses and spoke to me in Guarani as I tried my best to smile and be polite even though I had no clue what she was saying. Listening kindly to the guarani I saw a story in each wrinkle on her face, a story that is part of this family and this country. We sat outside of her small house on wooden chairs and it was obvious that the family doesn't spend a lot of time here. We brought her bags of food and Pedro went to the pharmacy to get her medications. Ruty said "Hay muchos pobres aca" and I felt uncomfortable at the thought of her feeling she had to explain. We then visited the Grandma on the other side who lives in a much bigger house next door to some other family members where we were completely overfed with asado and sat around "paseandonos". After a few hours there, where the family was much more comfortable, we headed to visit two of Virginia's sisters at one's house and the other's ice cream store. Nothing extremely exciting happened but just the time together was really special. It was neat to see how they grew up and interesting to see the different interactions with the different family members. I sometimes feel distant from the reality here because they just don't tell stories like they did in El Salvador, but this weekend visiting the family and paseandonos I got to see some of those stories and was reminded that there is so much more to this family than I know. On the way home I sat in the back between Ruty and Maria (the 9 and 12 year old that provide me with constant entertainment). As we giggled and joked Maria said "Hablamos con ti mucho más que hablabamos con la otra que estaba aca"... we talk to you a lot more than we talked to the other intern that lived with us. Lots of time I wonder if I'm spending enough time with them and engaging the best I can.  Hearing that from her caught me off guard but left me feeling so at home and just really happy to hear they too feel like all this time just "paseandonos" matters more than I know.

Last night I made coffee cakes with Maria and Virginia, laid in bed and giggled with Ruty and then we played mini pool. I sat on the patio this morning drinking mate and am suddenly so aware of the goodness of paseandonos.. of just being together and am feeling more and more at home. I think for the first couple weeks I was so stuck on finding meaning, having the right conversations, learning, engaging perfectly.. I was distracted from just being. And that time of just being together is really how meaningful relationships form. With less than two weeks left I am so grateful and appreciative for paseandonos and for what comes from just being together.

Strength and Stillness

I woke up Saturday morning bright and early.. my internal clock is now on Grandma time with a 10:00 bed time and a 6:30 wake up call.. and I absolutely love it. While everyone was still asleep I soaked up the quiet time and continued reading this great book Lulu gave me about a Nun's journeys working with refugees, both in the U.S. when they are resettled and later in refugee camps in Sudan, Thailand and a few other places.  The stories are beautifully written and heart breaking talking about deep deep suffering of families living on one cup of milk a day if they are lucky, a young boy walking for a month not being able to rest when he had Malaria because he would be left behind like the other dead bodies he saw along the way and children forced to kill and left completely traumatized for the rest of their lives. As I read it I felt that part of my heart that came alive in El Salvador and that I feel a little distant from here. I wondered what it means that my heart is so still here, that I'm not being rocked and I felt guilty for feeling still and distant from the suffering, when although I'm not interacting with it everyday or on the same level I did in El Salvador I know it is here. I started thinking about what this desire is to be close to suffering and what exactly it does to your heart to hear the stories of people who have seen so much pain yet can feel deep joy and have great hope at the same time.

A couple hours later I had a wonderful conversation with Cara... it is so amazing what a conversation with someone who knows your soul can do. Being here alone my thoughts sometimes get stuck, its so incredibly helpful to have someone else phrase them different, to bounce ideas off and just share your thoughts with- sometimes just saying them out loud helps them to make a lot more sense. I told her about this feeling of stillness and quiet in my heart. Something I would have never used to describe my time in El Salvador, or really any time I can ever remember in my life. "I cant tell if its a good thing or a bad thing" I told her. Hearing what I said she replayed my thoughts back to me, "I think this time of stillness is something beautiful that you need right now" And then it all made a little more sense as we talked through it. The last year has been a complete rollercoaster, absolutely beautiful but also painful. I went to El Salvador ready to be opened and opened I was.. I fell in love with the people living without enough yet so much in their hearts, grappled everyday with what it meant that this world is so unequal and started to explore some of my own personal pain. When I think about the flight home, those first weeks sitting on my couch trying to make sense of it my heart hurts- it was like my heart had been ripped out and half was left in El Salvador and half left in its case in my chest trying to continue breathing. The transition and the three months after were incredibly challenging. And I think this time of stillness and quiet is exactly what I need right now.. imagine that.  In high school I made myself believe that if I was always doing everything would be alright.. I transformed from a human being into a human doing and with a grin on my face flew through life filling every moment with something to distract me. Slowly I learned to be a human being at Santa Clara and really the most in El Salvador. I was exposed to a completely new range of human emotion, suffering, joy, hope and faith and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Ella and I recently talked about how we all have been searching for some sort of TLC after the hard transition back, and in some crazy way I think this six weeks in Paraguay has been that tender loving care I was looking for.

I feel a new sense of strength building inside me and although I don't want to spend my whole life with my heart as quiet and still as it has been this past month I think it is an important stage in my continued growth as a human becoming. I used to think that stillness was a bad thing and here I am learning that just like feeling deep deep emotions across the entire spectrum is so important, having space for quiet in your heart is ok too. For years I was strong because I had to be and in El Salvador those "strong, independent, numb" walls were broken down with an amazing community to hold me while I ventured into the unknown area behind them, and leaving that community felt so so hard. Today I feel a new strength that is coming from a healthy place, a sense of independence and trust that is cultivating deep inside me without the desperation for that community to hold me up in the way I felt I needed them those first few months back. No question I need them and I have the support from so so many people in my life that I am coming to appreciate even more while here. Their support follows me and lives in my heart, but whether we are thousands of miles away or in the same room the support of this huge network of love I have from Leadville, Santa Clara, El Salvador and everywhere in between stays with me and sustains me.

I feel strong, stronger than I have for a long time. I feel grateful. I feel a sense of quiet observing, taking it all in but just sitting with it. I feel my heart filling out its space again more able to love, listen and be in all these different places, experiences, phases of my life a little bit more whole than I was a year ago, 6 months ago and a month ago. I feel a deep trust in the way things go and a sense of freedom or letting go- this world will give me what I need and I don't need to grasp for anything, cause its all right here in my heart and the hearts of the people around me. I feel a deep love and gratitude for every single person that has shaped me and am so excited to get home and hug the people I love, but I also feel independent, like I can be thousands of miles away on my own and still feel that sense of community and support. I have had time to explore some thoughts that had been left unsettled and have found a whole layer of new questions, but I am not anxious to figure them out or anxious about things working out... cause they just do somehow.

The last month has been challenging and completely different than what I expected it. But as I sat wondering what it all meant, frustrated in some moments and completely grateful in some moments this strength and stillness has been cultivating inside me and will only continue to grow. Its kind of a half thought still with a lot of space to explore... but it feels good, it feels right and it feels like another reminder that something greater than me exists..making this all make a little more sense. I'm excited to see what continues to come from this feeling, and ready to soak up the last two weeks here with some new perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Something Beautiful

I remember first hearing this song in El Salvador, little did I know it would soon become our anthem, I heard it sung by so many voices and played over and over again and it never got old. When things were challenging this song was always there to remind us of something bigger, and in the last four weeks (WHOA IVE BEEN HERE A MONTH?!?!) it has been playing over and over in my head, reminding me to be present to all the beauty that surrounds me and just soak it up, knowing there is so much more to this country, experience, women and life than I will ever be able to understand but knowing that we are all part of something incredibly beautiful keeps me going, helps me to notice all the little things that light up my eyes and leave me full of gratitude.

There have been so many little somethings that have been oh so incredibly beautiful...

Walking down the road with the sun shining on our backs with Christina, talking about why she does what she does, sitting in the grass in a circle with 10 women having a meeting about their next round of credit, their savings and a quick training on how to work as a team, the little kids sitting in the back of the horse drawn cart- legs swinging out of the back with huge grins on their faces, sitting on the back patio with Christina while Niña Eludia comforts her and talks to her about the way some people are raised to love from their heart to be understanding and caring for others before following the rules while Christina wiped the tears from her eyes frustrated with bureaucracy, walking through Oviedo when I can't sit in the office anymore and quietly slowly taking in every single sight, getting emails from friends at home that remind me what matters in this world, reading poetry, playing Fruit Ninja with Ruty, the man next to me on the bus offering me his chipa, running into Anderson Fu- a friend from SCU whos from Paraguay- in the Asuncion bus terminal at 12:00am-absolutely incredibly to see a familiar face and a humbling conversation about making assumptions, a woman who is curious about the U.S. because her sister lives there and I am a way for her to understand a little bit better that life, being welcomed into the home of Christina's Madrina when there were no buses to take us back for Paraguayan tortillas and a warm bed to sleep in, letting myself listen to the sounds of Guarani as if its music instead of being frustrated that I cant understand it, waking up an hour earlier than we need to so we can sit together and share mate- passing it from one to another "para calentar nuestros cuerpos", my running routes being determined by herds of cows and barking dogs...they should be in charge of something right, the importance of family and how much time is spent together, watching 15 women walking down the road all together to come to the meeting looking like such a strong united force, running past campo, cows, goats, wide open spaces with the sun setting, the 17 year old boy who lives alone with his little brothers, the first visit from a daughter who has lived in Spain for 5 years, laughter, slowly bringing down my walls and letting my self settle into this space.

I cant believe I only have two weeks left... here's to being present to all the beauty that surrounds me and really engaging with my whole heart and continue to be open to all that Paraguay has to teach me.

Sights in Paraguay: A Hidden Gem

When I first received my acceptance email to GSB that said I would be spending the summer in Paraguay I had barely heard of it.  It isn't a place full of tourism or some other gain to fame that you hear in the news a lot. Its just kinda chillin out down here doing its thing. I may have never come to this country if it wasn't for this fellowship, FP and the relationship with SCU... and for the uniqueness of being here I am so grateful.

Paraguay is a beautiful beautiful country. Red dirt roads, miles and miles of wide open green space, incredibly friendly people, an indigenous language that is still alive and used as the main language by so many and some amazingly beautiful "tourist spots" if you can call having a UNESCO Heritage Site completely to yourself a tourist spot... A few months back we had big plans to travel to Buenos Aires, Chile, Montevideo, etc while we were here and were dissapointed to find out that for safety reasons we were expected to stay in country the entire experience. Keith kindly provided us with some ideas of weekend trips and with the flexibility to travel on weekends we have seen two amazing amazing sights, that again I may have never seen in my life.

The first weekend here we went to Iguaza Falls and I dunno how I failed to write about it yet... but it is SO worth writing about. The falls can actually only be accessed from Brazil or Argentina but are just a ferry ride away from the Paraguay border. After an 8 hour bus ride from Asuncion to Ciudad del Este we got on a ferry crossing the river where we could see Paraguay, Brazil and Argentina on each side. We arrived in Puerta de Iguaza in Argentina and spent the weekend soaking up some seriously enjoyable vacation. Argentina is famous for its asado or barbequed meat so the first night we had a huge delicious platter of a variety of different meat, grilled vegetables and delicious garlic potatoes.  We got up Saturday morning and headed to the falls where we paid an entrance fee a totally manicured National Park style park that at first seemed kinda blah with its concrete trails and lack of wonder. Little did we know what awaited us.  About twenty minutes from the entrance you can tell you are getting closer to the falls by the sound of crashing water and the change in the trees which are dense and cover you from the view, then you come out and BAM a huge panaramic view of water fall after water fall awaits you. There is 1.7 miles of water falls of different heights and velocity but you can just stare at them forever. We had a perfect day, blue sky, sunny but not too hot and no mosquitos. Ashley was set on going on the boat right up to the falls and convinced us it was worth the $35 (which it TOTALLY was). We put all our things in a dry bag and prepared to get completely soaked in a good size, powerful boat that zoomed through the rapids from the numerous falls, we kept our distance for a while snapping photos and enjoying the dryness but after putting away our cameras were soon right up against the falls getting completely soaked. The rapids were big, the boat was fast and the water was freezing. We screamed and tried to keep our eyes open as the water showered down on us and it was so exhilarating to be up so close, totally worth the money and the rest of the day in dripping clothes. After lunch we were told we were going to the best sight yet and took a little zoo like train to a different part of the park where we walked along a metal bridge over a completely calm part of the river for about 20 minutes. I kept wondering what would be so cool about this when everything was so quiet and peaceful and then quickly understood when we came about a huge semi circle of a drop in the river where they say more than 36 olympic size pools could be filled with the water that rushes from the falls PER MINUTE. Its called the "Garganta de Diablo" and is absolutely breathtaking. The water looks more like white paint or rushing clouds because it is moving so fast and there is so much of it. You stand right on the edge and look down to see nothing but mist from all the rushing water. I felt humbled and amazed in the way you do when you look out at the never ending ocean and was completely mesmerized by the magnitude of constant rushing water. I could have stayed forever and hope I will never loose the image in my head.. it was amazing and something so few people will ever visit. We soaked up the rest of our time in Argentina with another delicious dinner and headed home the next day, risking a drive through Brazil as the ferry from Paraguay doesn't run on Sundays... we got through fine and didn't have to pay a couple hundred dollars for a Brazillian visa for ten minutes driving from entrance to exit headed back to the bus stop for another 7 hours of sleeping, reading, watching kids movies in Spanish and came home so thankful for a weekend of exploring.

This past weekend we headed out to the other well known "must visit" in Paraguay.. the Jesuit ruins in Encarnacion... also on the border of Argentina to the Southeast. A few months back Keith gave us the movie the Missions and we watched it together learning about the indigenous Guarani, their fight with the Portugese and the communities created by the Jesuits to protect (and evangelize them). The movie was slow but definitely left us curious to see them in real life and gave us good context for when we were there. The ruins are about an hour from Encarnacion and you walk up a cobblestone street from where the bus drops you on the main highway. It seems completely crazy that you are at a UNESCO World Heritage site and feels more like you are walking through a random tiny little town then you come to the visitors center where you pay for your entrance. We hired a guide, a girl probably 20ish years old to show us around, we figured without her we basically just got what we saw, which was absolutely beautiful but a little hard to put it all together. When the Jesuits arrived in the 1580s the native people of Paraguay, the Guaranis were living under horrible, oppresive conditions by the Spanish conquerers and Portugese enemies, the Jesuits with groups of 2000-3000 Guarani built the missions which turned into self sufficient compounds where the Guarani lived, worked, grew their own food, schooled their children and attended mass. Our guide showed us the small one room "homes" that the Guarani lived in with their family, the church, the homes of the two Jesuit priests that lived their, the workshops, classrooms, farm and everything they needed to be self sufficent. It seemed tiny for an area where 2000+ people lived but was all well thought out and built by hand by the Guaranis. Every little detail was thought out with gorgous designs in the church, angels in the walls and left over statues, tools, etc to show all the different work they did. None of the ceilings were intact just parts of the walls and some original flooring. Some restorations had been done but it was also obvious how much had been lost when the area was conquered. Our guide was very informative and I was grateful to be able to understand nearly all her Spanish, she left us behind to take pictures and we were amazed at the way it had been built and used, and then abandoned upon Spain's dissatisfaction when the compounds became self sufficent and the Guaranis no longer had to rely on them.  From there we went to another ruin about thirty minutes to the other side of the highway... we were told we could take a taxi or a bus but after waiting for an hour decided to go in the back of a pick up truck... one of my favorite things in the world. Here we are in the middle of Paraguay sitting in the back of a pick up truck just soaking up all the views, absolutely beautiful. We arrived at the other ruins, much smaller and much more intact- further off the beaten track and in the middle of wide open, rolling, absolutely beautiful green hills. We walked out and quickly realized we were the ONLY people there, it was so quiet, peaceful and just really magnificent to be in these ruins that use to be the home of thousands of opressed native people all by ourselves. There were no guides at these ones but from what we learned from our other guide we had a good idea of how it was all set up, pretty similar just smaller than the other. The church was beautiful and the views from the big open window holes was absolutely amazing. We talked about how we likely would have never come here in our lives if it werent for GSB... and how even though the "internship" has been frustrating things like this make it worth it. We took pictures and tried to ingrain the image in our heads, knowing this might not be a place we would return to but so overwhelmed with the beauty and vastness of the landscape and the life that was lived here... so incredible to visit it and did not feel at all like some boring history museum;).

It was such a great weekend to spend with the other girls. Being here on my own in Oviedo has been a wonderful space for growth but has also been challenging in moments to do all the processing internally. It was nice to talk to them about the challenges, the good things and everything in between. We talked about being discouraged and trying to make the best of it, about where we have found meaning and joy and how we will spend the last half. We laughed and talked about completely meaningless things and relaxed with a break from living in someone else's home. It was a really good break and now Im hoping to take that energy and inspiration with me into the last 2 and 1/2 weeks here. I cant believe Im more than half way through and I really want to keep being as present as I can, engaging with my whole heart and seeing all the grace in this experience. I am grateful for the chance to explore on weekends and to see the falls and the ruins, both such hidden but magnificent gems.

Surrending on the Back of a Speeding Moto

Yesterday I traveled with Christina and Miriam to a town about an hour away for two meetings with new committees. Christina is a single mama of two and the woman works her butt off. Since I've been here she's started at least 4 new committees and is always finding more. The first meeting was with 15 women, she explained the benefits, requirements and goals of "una mujer exitosa", the women decided on their President, Treasurer, Secretary, etc and they turned in their copies of their ids and signed all the forms. Its pretty impressive how many women are interested, how they all work together to make decisions and how it really seems to be successful. There is still a lot I don't understand but everyday I'm learning more. Christina lets me do the surveys while the women sign all their papers and I am so grateful for a chance to interact with the women, learn more about their lives and do something other than just sit. Its sometimes challenging because I have to asks questions multiple times to understand and I have to be incredibly aware of my body language and tone in order to create a sense of interest and trust, not just be an outsider obtruding into their lives, but I am slowly learning what works and becoming more comfortable with the questions and the Paraguayan Spanish.. which actually has a lot of different words from Salvadoran and what I learned in school. We finished the meeting and headed off to another. I never know exactly what the plan is, where we're going, what we're doing or who Ill be with, so really have to let go and just go with the flow.

I got on the back of a moto of some random guy who was taking us without a helmet and off we went. I had no idea how far we were going and braced myself for the ride as he sped up more and more. Here I was in the middle of Paraguay on the back of a moto flying down a red dirt road taking in the beautiful wide open space around me frankly scared out of my mind that this might be the last time I took in the beautiful landscape... ok not really I was confident we would make it out alive but definitely squeezed my eyes shut a couple times as we flew down the road. As I sat on the back of his moto slightly terrified I realized I had to let go and just soak it in. I felt alive, full of adrenaline, scared but also excited that I got to be experiencing this. I told myself I had no control and could only hope that he knew what he was doing. I let go of my fear of loosing my life (ha dramatic much) and relaxed, putting my trust in the random guy driving and opening my eyes wide to take in all that was around me. Scattered houses, cows, horses, kids playing soccer and some working in the fields. Tiny houses with thatched roofs, sheep, pigs and mamas feeding their babies. It was absolutely beautiful and I felt so grateful to be seeing more and more of Paraguay.. and realized that this crazy moto driver was as Rumi says "a guide from beyond" reminding me that just like I did on the back of this moto, I have to let go and just soak up all that is around me. I had two wonderful conversations with the women at the next meeting, finally feeling like I could engage with my heart and that the conversations would just flow and came home and laughed and joked with the family. I have to let go of my fears, surrender to this experience, let down my walls, open up my heart and just be here.

I had a rough couple a days before hand, sent a few emails saying "Im just not feeling it", shed some tears, called Jes and Mom feeling a little lonely and homesick and spent a lot of time in my head trying to understand my place here. Then a few things helped to knock me out of my funk and I got a wonderful email from my go to wisdom source who had a similar experience last summer. With so much love Margot told me about the things she wishes she would of done.. let go and love all that was around her, take advantage of the quiet and stillness and just be and the things she did that made the time more enjoyable... listen inwardly, really take care of herself and just be in this new experience. I read a bunch of poems we read in Casa, journaled my little heart out and tried to internalize her advice on Tuesday night, but really finally understood it on the back of that moto. I've been reading all this stuff about surrendering to the experience, the future, what life has in store... no not just sitting around waiting for life to happen, but really taking whatever you are experiencing for exactly what it is, and having hope and faith that meaning will find its way. Something beautiful is in the cards for me here, thats the way life works, but if I spend all my time trying to intellectualize it and find the meaning in it instead of just BEING here and soaking up all that is around me I'm gonna miss it, and I really don't wanna miss it. There is a lot of good in this experience every day. Yes its not exactly what I thought it'd be, yes sometimes its hard to be alone, but there is also so much to love. Learning about how this seemingly super successful Social Enterprise works, seeing Paraguay, being welcomed into the home of my family and the lives of so many women, the wide open beautiful space, star filled skies,  improving Spanish, doing yoga every night in my room, journaling, reading poetry and good books, exploring the internet for anything to entertain me and just taking advantage of this time.

Im ready to let go of all the expectations I had, the need for control and productivity and just take this experience for exactly what it is, in all its beauty and challenges. There are so many little things I can do to enjoy the down time more... listen to good music that brings my soul to life, sit outside, go on short walks, talk with the women and read anything and everything online. I am getting more and more comfortable in the office as a nomad that moves from desk to desk when people leave, with the women who work here, the family I'm living with and the women who I meet at the meetings. 6 weeks is a really short time and its time to just let myself be here and enjoy it, cause there is a lot to enjoy and a lot to learn. So.. I will just keep loading up on the self care and love, finding ways to make the time in the office more enjoyable and really being present to the women when I am with them. I'm going to see the Jesuit Ruins this weekend with Amanda and Ashley and it will be super nice to see them and be able to talk about our experiences so far, and I have a feeling Ill be looking forward to coming back. I feel myself settling in more and more and am excited for whatever the next three and a half weeks has to show me.

Alone, perplexed, comforted

Sigh… this blank page is a little intimidating for some reason. My heart is feeling a lot but my creative juices don’t seem to be flowing the most amount lately. I am the only gringo here… and it is challenging. It is challenging to speak Spanish all the time, to live in someone else’s home, to not understand the culture or the language all the time and to have nothing but my heart, my journal, and a couple books to process with.

It has been cold, rainy and dreary the last few days. And I have spent a lot of time frustrated with my inability to understand… Guarani, the other official and more frequently spoken language especially in rural areas, and just this culture. There is a lot to try to take in and understand. The culture, the people, the organization, this family, my place in it all. And my mind is constantly running and forced to do a lot of internal processing, which is not my strong point, and thus another reason this is good for me. Yesterday I sat in a cold damp room with ten women having their first meeting to form a committee. They spoke all in Guarani except for numbers and a few random words I could pick up on here and there. My hands were freezing and as I scanned the room I was so aware of what this cold means to them.. and I think I’m cold. A baby cried in the other room and I watched a beautiful rooster walk by, then some baby pigs wrestling outside and I wondered yet again “what the heck am I doing here?” Frustrated at the extra barrier to observing without the language, my very obvious outsiderness and just feeling like I couldn’t engage or connect how I would like. Then Christina (the asesora of the rural areas who I really really like) told me I could do the encuesta with the women. It’s a survey of 20 questions that evaluate the women’s quality of life. I was so honored that she let me help. And it was also challenging. I had a chance to talk to every single woman, asking them a series of questions and coming to better understand how they live. In the process I learned which questions I had to rephrase in order to be more sensitive. Do you work outside of the home? Replaced where do you work after women chuckled and responded “alma de Casa” (homemaker).  Do you have a husband? Replaced what is your husbands name when someone chuckled who didn’t have a husband. The chuckles were not coming from a malicious place, but they hurt, another reminder that I am an outsider and I needed to turn on my sensitive delivery. Sometimes I felt rushed through the questions, like a machine obtruding into their lives. But I slowly realized there were ways I could make it more personal, more gentle, and appear more like just another human to share with than a machine asking questions. These are the things I am going to have to watch for, spaces where I can take advantage of connecting with the women where I must be extremely careful about my delivery, engage gently, find ways to share in our mutual humanness, and create relationships in a matter of minutes.

This morning I sat in the families dispensa down the road again wondering exactly how to engage in this all. Having my food delivered to me, often not knowing exactly what is going on, trying to help but also stay out of the way as they do their daily chores and asking again and again to help only to be denied. They sit me down in front of the tv and deliver food to me. Partly they just want to take care of me, make me feel at home and partly I think that they have preconceived notions that as an American I just like to watch TV… when truly I have had to really try hard to enjoy watching TV with them as a way to spend time with them instead of feeling completely bored and checking out.  Finally I decided to go for a walk.. I needed to do something with myself, my thoughts were making me crazy. I walked down the cobblestone street they live on until it turned to dirt and just a few houses down found wide open spaces, roaming cows, chickens and houses more scattered. The cold and dreary weather left me feeling a little down and after a while when I stopped to take in the beautiful landscape tears came to my eyes. Lonely and perplexed by all there is to process and what this experience will mean my heart jumped to Casa Romero, home, Casita Bonita and all things familiar. There isn’t much familiar here and really all I can do is find my own ways to comfort myself, trust in something greater than me that this is right and ask for strength and comfort. It has been hard to not compare this to Casa. Not necessarily always in a bad way, but just  because it’s my only frame of reference. I miss my Cedro family.. Santos, Reina, Christopher and all the faces and souls that broke open my heart. There was a sense of vulnerability that came with the suffering they were living in that sometimes I feel distant from here. I also know that time allowed for those relationships to grow but there were also things that were just different. I miss my Romero family, the support, laughter, comfort of coming home and space to process, reflect and grow together. But as I looked out at the wide open green space, asking for strength and comfort and thought hard about being here I was comforted by the wind blowing on my face, the baby cow mooing at me and the beauty surrounding me knowing I can create deep relationships here too. And maybe this experience just isn’t about being as broken open and raw as I was in El Salvador. Coming home from that was so hard and building back strength took a long time. This is about putting that strength, independence, knowing of myself into action and learning whatever I can from the Paraguayan people. I know they have so much to teach me and again and again I am reminding myself to be open to whatever it is this experience has to offer me, to give my love, to engage as well as I can and to follow my heart which has learned a lot about how to take care of itself.

I walked back home to be greeted by 9 year old Ruty, whose lack of walls as a 9 year old make her as my closest friend so far. She gave me a big hug just happy to see me and as we walked back to the dispensa together I was comforted by her presence, this family and the many blessings that I have here. The sun came out and I sat on the patio eating mandarins we picked from a tree in their back yard with Diana, seeing such grace in that moment, even though there are still awkward silences and I don’t feel totally comfortable yet. Then I went for a run along the cobblestone street, back on to the red dirt roads, past wide open spaces, taking in all the sights and grateful to be here learning, for the luxury of knowing how to take care of my heart and what it needs to feel full, reminding myself that I will continue to grow into this space, this family, this experience.

Its not easy, its not super comfortable and I am constantly trying to understand how I fit in. But I know I need to let my brain be quiet, I need to be patient, I need to be open and engage as best as I can, and I also can be gentle with myself and provide myself with the TLC of yoga, running, journaling and staying in bed just a little longer. Its hard to be here alone but I also know I am so far from alone and I have only barely scraped the surface of what the next month has to offer me.

Searching for my place in all this...

So far in Coronel Oviedo I have.. rode all around on a moto wearing my incredibly fashionable helmet, drank lots of mate (super good for you), not really eaten breakfast or dinner.. mostly a big lunch with snacks in the morning and at night (maybe not so healthy), stared blankly again and again while people speak Guarani and I try to figure out how I'm going to overcome that challenge (probably not going to), learned some fun hand clappy games with 9 year old Ruty and laughed pretty hard at the non politically correct terms included in her rhymes, done yoga in my room, been amazed at the beauty of the red dirt roads, wide open campo and star filled skies, felt completely helpless and out of place, observed A LOT with eyes wide open, felt incredibly grateful to be here, and spent a lot of time thinking about what being here is all about...

So what is my place here? Honestly right now I have no idea. There is so so much I don't understand about the organization, the country, the culture, the list goes on... so how can I be of assistance to this organization and the people of Paraguay? Thankfully Casa taught me something incredibly important about learning, listening, sharing and being patient. In four months I learned a whole lot about El Salvador but still left with more questions than will ever be answered in my life. In El Salvador my sole purpose was to learn. I wasn't sitting in an office trying to figure out how to politely ask the boss what I should be doing while simultaneously trying to stay out of the way and be as little of a pain in the butt as possible.

I am 100% confident that in the next 5 weeks I will learn so much and have a meaningful experience. On the other hand I'm not sure that this experience is only about learning. Yes underneath it all the idea is that I learn, but there is also an expectation that I do something for the Fundacion and come home with some information ("research") to turn into something thesis-ish that I will turn in for a grade.  I'm struggling to understand what it is I can do for them. Partly that is because I have only been here for two days and haven't yet been able to talk to the boss about what I can be doing. Partly it is because just like Casa taught me the importance of learning it also humbled me greatly into understanding that I do not have some special skill or knowledge to offer this world just because I am from the U.S. So I wonder what I will do with this next five weeks and what I will do for the rest of my life. I have this deep desire to learn about other cultures, to give and commit my life to justice and equality for the poor and oppressed. But right now I just kinda feel like a clueless outsider that is intruding into this culture and using the people as spectacles for my own learning. I don't get it.

I am trying instead to think of myself as just another brain, perspective, set of hands to do whatever I can, but I also am ashamed that there is an idea that I could be of some assitance as a complete outsider. So.. Im grappling. Again. With what it means to be a middle class, white, educated, semi clueless woman in another culture, the developing world... and really just this world full of suffering. Other than feeling a little bad about being a bother to the employees here at FP I'm not feeling weighed down by these questions. Rather just acutely aware of my place in this world.

I think for me thats part of what this experience is about. It is about understanding how I will turn what I loved about El Salvador, what made me so excited about getting to Coronel Oviedo and leaving Asuncion, living with a homestay, listening, learning, opening myself up to this world... into something meaningful to do with my life. I don't mean that to sound dramatic but really just exploring what I was put on this earth to do. How I can give to this world so broken by suffering? And how I can do it in a way that is not obtrusive or insensitive?

I remember times in El Salvador wishing that I wasn't tall, white, blonde and English speaking. I have had that thought numerous times since being here. I stick out.. a lot. Everyone says "que linda sos, que linda su pelo, sus ojos".. bla bla bla. Such a compliment and just an illustration of all the hospitality that I have found here, but also a constant reminder of how different I look. I know with time I will remember that doesn't matter. And I will again start to find more and more similarities. I will become more comfortable, more at home, settle into my own skin and the ways of this sweet little city. I am reminding myself every moment to be patient, with time this will make more and more sense... while also making less and less. Grappling (I need a better word) and questioning is a good place to be, life would be so boring if my brain was stagnant. And I am also just incredibly incredibly thankful for the ways that Casa prepared me to do that processing, questioning and digging deeper to understand the ways of this world, my heart and how it all fits together. I miss the space to reflect, process, bounce ideas around with other gringos. I was so blessed to have that and am continuously searching for ways to do it on my own and am so thankful to understand the importance of the space.

I am loving my homestay family and slowly feeling more and more comfortable there.  Going out in the field is super interesting although I still feel like an outsider... but at least I am slowly getting exposure to life in Paraguay. Knowing how comfortable I felt after four months is helping me to trust that in time I will become more comfortable. I also know I will continue to question, but that is why I am here. I am trying to make the best use of my down time in the office. I truly trust that this is right... and am just curious to continue to understand more and more.  They are treating me so well and I am so grateful to be here, to learn, to question, to explore and to see more of this big amazing world.

Back to the Basics

Hello hello.. I have arrived in Coronel Oviedo.. a town about 3 hours from the capital where I will be living for the next 5 weeks. The other girls are together in a different town and on Monday when I got on a bus after dropping them off in their town I had a few moments of WOW I am really on my own now. I was definitely a little nervous, but was comforted by a conversation I had with our professor Keith just an hour before. "Your sea legs are well developed" he explained, telling me he knows I can go with the flow, I can make all the unknown and changes into something meaningful. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that I am 100% fine on my own in Paraguay and that so much good can come from being independent and having that space to really learn and continue to grow into self sustaining  Michelle (stealing your term Yoli) and this time under such different circumstances than independence came for so many years of my life. I am ready for this.. so so ready. And when I arrived yesterday morning my eyes were fresh and wide again after reminding myself on the three hour bus ride that this experience is new and unique and comparing it to anything is completely unfair.

The supervisor of the office here in Coronel Oviedo picked me up from the bus terminal and brought me to the office where the 8 employees were all so welcoming. The town is about 120,000 people (I think... sometimes numbers get lost in translation). Its not tiny tiny but definitely small and cozy and Diana, the woman who works at the Fundacion that I'm staying with says they all know each other. There are a mix of paved and cobblestone streets, lots of little stores and restaurant like things and its just so so much more charming and cozy than Asuncion.  Diana is 24 and lives with her parents and three younger sisters Andrea (16), Maria (12), and Ruth (9) in a really cute little neighborhood a little outside of town. It is quiet and beautiful and the house is small and cozy. They own a little store a couple houses down where they spend most of their time and where we went for lunch and then dinner. They are all so incredibly welcoming and remind me of the amazing hospitality that I found in the Salvadoran people also. They constantly are asking me if I need anything, if I'm comfortable and just really trying to make me feel at home. I have my own little room that is really comfortable and Im just so happy to be here and finally be able to settle in. Last night we had Mbeju (pronounced beju) which is this typical Paraguayan food thats a mix of flour, cheese and some other things and makes a delicious starchy (starch is their fav) dish. Its a totally different texture than bread much softer and also a little bit chewy... its super yummy. We heard that mate was a big thing here in Paraguay but we could have never known how big. A lot of times they drink it with cold water and its called terere but when its cold outside (which right now its a little chilly and cloudy with rain coming in the next couple days) they drink it with hot water. Last night it wasn't yerba mate it was this delicious sweet warm drink but we still drank out of the mate gourd thingy (it was metal) with the bombilla or straw. They said it was coco and showed me these tiny little seeds that they shred and put in with cinnamon and sugar and then pour hot milk over. It was delicious and its really neat because there is one gourd and a thermos of hot milk and everyone takes turns drinking it.  It seems like lunch is their main meal as dinner was just the Mbeju and this morning for breakfast they gave me a couple little bread sticks and I don't think any of them really ate... we'll see.

I realized I haven't really ever explained why I am here... which will really help to understand what else we did yesterday. I was selected for a fellowship called the Global Social Benefit Fellowship at school. There are ten fellows and it is focused on social entrepreneurship. Santa Clara's center for Science, Technology and Society focuses on Social Entrepreneurship and has a two week intensive program every summer to help growing Social Enterprises become more successful. So they chose four alumni organizations of the program where they are sending us (here, Uganda, India and one in San Francisco). We took a class in the spring to prepare us, are here for six weeks doing an internship and then take a class in the fall. The idea is that we both learn about social entrepreneurship, provide some sort of assistance to the organization and also do our own research that we created in the class in the fall. Myself and two other girls were placed at Fundacion Paraguaya. It is a 25 year old organization with 300 and some employees and offices all over Paraguay. They have three main programs; micro finances, self sustaining agricultural schools and preferential education for middle school/ high school students. We are working with the micro finances where the majority of their clients are women who create a committee of 10-15 women and receive loans along with business/financial training as a group and are communally responsible for each other and the money they each receive as individuals.  We were told before coming that our main focus would be these committees (they also provide loans to individuals) and helping them with this data collection tool they have with 50 indicators to determine how the loans are affecting the women's quality of life and where there is room for improvement.  In addition my own research was planned to look into the ways that empowering these women with small loans trickles down and effects their communities. The women in El Salvador really inspired me and showed me how important their influence is on everyone else. We'll see exactly how it all turns out.. for now we are just trying to learn as much as we can and see if our research is actually possible.

So yesterday afternoon we went out to visit one of the women's committees about an hour out of town in a super little much more rural town. We sat in the president of the committee's (who is elected within the committee by the women) back yard in a circle of wooden chairs. The asesora (loan counselor) did a survey with each of them to see how their quality of life has changed since receiving the loans. The survey is not the 50 indicators that we were told about but much shorter maybe 20 questions asking about income and then a few questions about what their bathroom looks like, if they have access to water, if their kids are in school, etc.  It was really really neat to meet some of the women and just start to understand a tiny bit more about what the Fundacion is doing. I mainly just observed and took notes and then asked a couple women questions about their jobs and if the loans and training have been helpful. All of them seemed grateful and enthusiastic. Paraguay has two official languages, one is Guarani which is a more indigenous language that in the more rural areas outside of the capital everyone speaks in addition to Spanish. The women spoke a mix of both so there was a lot I couldn't pick up since I obviously know NONE. Hopefully it wont be too much of a barrier since they all speak both but sometimes may be frustrating to not understand.

After sitting in the intern house last week yesterday was such an exciting day and I feel like I learned so so much. I am just so grateful to finally be somewhere with at least a little more exposure to the culture and know that with time I will learn more and more. As I write this I am sitting in the office without a place to sit and no idea what I should be doing. As of now I don't really have something specific I am doing so its an interesting thing to just be here and not really needed. I am hoping to talk to the supervisor today and see if there is anything I can be doing while we are in the office. Hopefully I will find something to occupy my time when we aren't in the field even if I just kind of create something myself. For now I am ok with just being patient, observing and kind of trying to orient myself here.

Hopefully this will be the last summary blog.. I'm not a fan of these ones but I feel like its necessary for you all to understand the basics of what I'm doing. Plus I am just learning a million new things and trying to understand the basics myself. I am so excited to continue to learn, find my place here, become more comfortable with my family and come to feel like this is home. Even though my time here is short I know so much can happen in 5 weeks. I am trying to be present, observant as can be and just really open to whatever is coming. This is such a different experience than being in El Salvador where I had classes to help me better understand the country and so much reflection space to really process what I was seeing which was so vital to my experience in El Salvador. Its weird not having those spaces but also just means that I will have to find ways to dig deep on my own by asking questions, doing some research and really trying to take in as much as I can. Its only day two and I know lots of good will come with time.

Sitting, waiting, wishing (hopefully no more)

I just wrote this huge long post and then decided I didnt like it.. so Im starting over. I was feeling pretty exhausted and just lathargic. I'm still exhausted... from doing absolutely nothing but I had some dinner and moved outside in search of some inspiration to give you more than just a recap of the last few days. The first couple days were a lot of motion in my brain and heart.. missing Casa, trying to figure out what it means to be here and just lots of grappling. Recently I have felt a lot more grounded and patient. Things move slowly here, a mixture of being on Latin America time, being interns and maybe some due to the specifics of the organization. We have been sitting and waiting A LOT but may finally have some movement.

We visited the Self Sustaining Agricultural school a couple hours away, really neat concept where students live at the school and get both a regular high school degree along with a technical agriculture/ hotel management degree which makes them highly employable. They switch off every other week between the classroom learning basic subjects and the campo learning about agriculture, animal husbandry, carpentry, etc.  Wednesday morning we had a meeting with the women who coordinates the womens committees who receive loans and hold each other accountable. We learned a lot of information and it was inspiring to see the really comprehensive well thought out and seemingly successful models the organization is using. We left hoping we can find a way to meaningfully engage in what the organization is doing. The other interns have struggled a lot with not really being able to get anything done and sometimes feeling as though they are just a source of income for the organization. We are lucky to have our professor Keith here advocating for us and somewhat of a relationship with the organization that is helping some in getting things moving.

We had a meeting with the intern coordinator later in the day who told us we would be sent to different offices which is exactly what we were hoping for. I want to be in a little more rural area where I can interact with the women to see how the loans are affecting their lives and where there is room for improvement. It also seems like if we can get to a smaller office we may be able to work one on one with the assesoras (something like loan officers) to really understand what they are doing. Hearing the news was exciting yet we spend the next day and a half having meeting times pushed back again and again to tell us where we would actually be going, finally around 6:00pm we got an email telling us the towns we will be placed in. The other two fellows will be together and I will be in a different office likely about an hour away. We still don't have exact details but will be living in home stays with employees of the Fundacion and working in a smaller more personalized situation, hopefully allowing for a lot more meaningful experience. I am looking forward to finally feeling like I am in Paraguay and getting closer to the women and staff members who I know have so much to teach me. We will have a meeting Monday morning to find out details and then head out to our respective offices. Who knows exactly what it will be like but I think it is good progress and I'm excited to see what comes.

 I think being in another office will give me a little more space to make of it what I have been hoping and to create the relationships that I know are so very important to this experience. Im ready to dive in head first and know that although a little bit frustrating this week of waiting has allowed me sometime to think, journal, be in touch with people I love and mentally prepare for the next step which I'm hoping will be incredibly life giving.  I sent an email to Heidi who was one of our directors at Casa asking her about her opinion on some post grad options (trying to make good use of my time). I just barely mentioned the feelings and thoughts I had been having about Casa and she wrote the most supportive, understanding and helpful email back giving me some things to think about to really allow this experience to be it's own while still understanding how Casa has helped me get here. I spent a lot of time with her talking about all the struggles and joys on my heart while in El Salvador and it is so wonderful to feel her support here too. I have felt so much love and support from so many people just there to process this time of waiting. I skyped with CWC last night and we laughed, talked about all that is wonderful, hard and everything in between and I was just left full of so much joy.  We are going to see each other at the end of August and our conversation ended talking about how excited we are to see each other but how special it is that we both have such wonderful experiences to be present to between now and then (she is back in El Salvador). There are so many good people in my life and its nice to know that no matter where I am I still have that amazing community that I have found is so important.

We have been able to explore the city some and have taken as much advantage of our time as possible. We went down town last night and saw some of the government buildings which were very pretty lit up at night and had a wonderful dinner. Its nice to be here with Amanda and Ashley for the first week as we kind of get our bearings and try to see some of the city. We wont be too heart broken to leave next week as there is only so much to see and the rest is just a lot of department buildings and run down buildings.. its an odd city that I still haven't quite figured out. Tomorrow we are going to Iguazu Falls which is on the Brazil/ Argentina border and is supposed to be amazing. It will be really nice to see another part of the country and be able to explore some.

Ive had a lot of time to think but have really been able to get to a place of peace, groundedness, patience and just excitement to see what comes. Internet access will likely be less frequent once I move but I will keep you all updated. Thanks for reading my ridiculously long posts... I will work on making them more articulate. Hoping for rain for my beautiful Colorado (which I am so looking forward to getting home to in a couple months) and goodness for all of you. XOXO