giving, living, loving

The gym is my favorite place in the world. I seriously could end this at that, but I guess I'll elaborate. My heads been a little crazy today, there has been a lot happenign these last couple weeks. Not really directly affecting me but directly affecting the people I love, lots of loss and some serious hurt and I just dont like it. Elyse called me last night and was so upset about something too big, and I stayed on the phone with her just trying to hug her and love her and tell her it was gonna be ok through the phone. Then I talked to Liv, trying to make sense of this stage in her life. And Britt's been hurting and Katie, and grandma passing and other things. Its not fair, my grandma passing away is fair, it was time, but all the other things are not fair. And especially because the bad things are happening to the best people, thats a funny thing, and a whole nother conversation. I was having a really hard time trying to be there through the phone, not being able to hug them and give them a little of the sense of joy that I have spent most my time here feeling. Its a hard thing being far away, its a hard thing seeing the people you love in pain and I was starting to get defensive. Mess with me and I'll probably walk away silently, but mess with my friends and I will drop everything and pull out some harshness to make things better for them. Weird how that works, reminds me of my mommy. I gotta be careful with it. All these things are happening and Im here loving things and just ready to give Ese and Liv and Tiff and Britt and my dad a hug, cause thats the easiest most meaningful way to show you care. I was exhausted from staying up late doing loads of homework and spending time on the phone trying to make people feel better and I was starting to get a little unstable, as Katie talked to me about Novie and Dashe (Sean's girls) I cried, I obviously needed something.

I went to the gym just like every other night and just like every time I go it saves me. It lets me forget about everything else and find some peace of mind. Running or biking or whatever it is lets me get out some stress and emotions physically. In religion today we learned about one guys philosophy that emotions are very physical, and at the gym I can release some of that. I can focus on me, when a lot of the time Im trying to make sure everyone else is ok and in a weird way I can just relax. Its amazing, its my escape, it makes everything a million times better and rejuvinates me every time, thats why I keep going, I'm addicted and I love it.

My religion class is starting to get a little more deep and thoughtful, a little more relative and with a little more room for interpretation. Heres a little something from this huge paper we had to do about our experience, just cause its relative and so true.

While walking out of the Zen center Master Jian Ling, Vice Abbot complimented me, “You are so kind”, he said thoughtfully “in Zen Buddhism we call you a living Bodhisattva”. I was speechless. This simple compliment from the Abbot was the most meaningful I have ever received. The abbot complimented me for being kind because of many small occurrences of helping others throughout the day, and in this simple sentence relayed to me what Buddhism, and in my mind, so many religions are about at the core. Religion is about caring for others, being aware of yourself and the people around you and being mindful of doing the right thing. Although I have not come to a full understanding of religion, I have come to a greater realization of the importance of constantly being aware, of my self and of my interactions with others. I was reminded to always be caring and open to others solely because it’s the right thing to do. If the cycle of being aware and complimenting others can continue and spread maybe we can reach a better place in this world of chaos. Maybe there can be a little more peace and love, and maybe by being more aware of ourselves and our interactions with others we can really create change. Whether you choose to pray to a higher power or to meditate to clear your mind, what matters is the way you live your life, how you act in everyday situations, and your perception of the world. Despite the differences, I’ve learned that religion is a guideline for living right. No matter which religion you choose, what the rituals are, who the higher power is, or what salvation means, being religious means finding a way to get the most out of life, and more so to give the most you possibly can and be the best you can be.

I think its meaningful. And I feel like through all the ups and downs, and bringing them here and putting them into my classes I have learned quite a bit. Maybe more than someone my age would perfer to have learned as a consequence of some of the not so fun moments. But Im here and Im alive, and when I think about my past, really I think about so much good, and the bad barely graces my mind, except all its taught me. I wanna be caring and open and mindful. I want to always hold onto the sunshine. I wanna give as much as I can but take care of myself at the same time. I wanna live as best as I can, ha cliche right, ya totally but its true, so day by dad, I need to remember :)

i love it. i love the amazing people in my life.

I'm laying in bed eating Hayley's yummy irish oatmeal, its a second dinner, but its delicious and Im very thoughtful. My eyes hurt from staring at the computer for hours trying to write my paper and wasting time on facebook in the mean time. I decided to put it away and I started being very thoughtful. I am going home in a week, I am unbelievably excited, its a feeling that I've never felt, I cant explain it other than I am sooo incredibly excited, but I say that about other things but this is different. Its like I can feel it in my heart how excited I am, how happy I am to go home. Its a week now, not even, in less than a week I will be home, sitting on Zachy's couch after giving my mom the biggest hug ever and spending a few silent minutes or maybe an hour in my bed. I really want to cry thinking about it because it sounds so great. I started making real plans with Liv and Molly and Megsy, not just OMG WE HAVE TO HANG OUT...this is what we are gonna do, cause I will actually be there. Wow, its great that being here makes there a million times better.

I also know that after 12 hours away from this place I am gonna miss it like crazy. I will miss the warmth and the flip flops. I will miss Keely and Stella and Hayley, I will miss Hayley and Keely and I's craziness and all the fun we have. I'll miss Stephen's massages and walking down to Mark and Ryan's room to bug them and annoy them and be the crazys that we are. I'll miss getting ready all in one room for too long and having them right here to help me choose what to wear. I'll miss my naps in the sunshine. I'll miss the gym just a walk away. And I'll miss the delicious salads. I will miss having people around all the time (a little bit) I will miss this room, I will miss this view, i will miss this routine. And just when I start to miss it enough I will be back. I will miss our inside jokes, its gonna be funny having inside jokes with other people than the people at home, thinking of our jokes and having to laugh to myself cause they wont understand. Its weird that they wont understand, but we will have our own jokes, from so many years, and in a week or an hour or a day will make more. Its perfect, I love it here and I love it there, what more could I ask for. Its funny how I feel like I have a lot of homes. Last year it was Leadville and Summit. My house, Zachy's house, Liv's house, Meigan's house, Jeff's house, the Fretz's, Ese's house, Mindy's in Avon, SHS, Young RYLA those have all been homes. Now here is another one, a really big one, one that is all in one place, but oh so much home. Home is a funny thing. Physical, mental, funny, funny how it fits how it becomes how it changes. Its also just with people, like it doesnt matter where I am in the world if Im with Ese and Zachy and Chels and Dave and Liv and everyone from RYLA or any of those people Im at home, thats even greater. I like it, I like having so many homes.... Michigan too, a home forever and for always, now so different without Grandma. I like that there are so many places I feel at home, cause the feeling is what is so great, the feeling of being so comfortable no matter what, the feeling of finally being home, all those places have been that to me and I think Im soooo freaking lucky to have that at so many homes :).

I spent Thursday night and Friday as a complete disaster, so sad and upset and kinda lost. I was so upset about Grandma, an upset that kinda caught me off guard. I felt it soo much, I spent ten minutes on the phone with mom just crying and crying and crying. A life lost, what does that mean. It means so much and its such a crazy concept. Then being so upset about Grandma and being here where I just wasnt with my mom or my best friends, I got so homesick, something I havent been yet and it was the craziest feeling, like at the drop of a hat I was just gonna cry my eyes out and like nothing else mattered except getting home. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing, but luckily it only lasted a day and half and then I got better. I have so much sunshine in my life to pick me up when Im down. Thursday night I talked to Liv forever and she heard me and felt with me and made it better, and Gamachu brought some sunshine back into my life and Britt and I thought about RYLA and how much sunshine that is. Then Friday Hayley and Keely, my lovely trio girls dragged me to SF to take food to the sick and the homeless and slowly life seemed a little less scary and all the sunshine came back out. And my little cousin Shannon said "I think she lived for a long time and had a good life and now she is at peace and I think we should celebrate her life" and shes right. Of course its so sad she is not with us anymore, hard to let go even though my once a year trip to MI was the only time I saw her, its hard to know she wont be there next year, but she was there for the last 18, and she has done so many great things, and now she is with Eric and Grandpa and all the people Kyle said she started talking about and she's happier. And im happy for her and Im lucky I had her in my life, even if we butted heads like crazy, she taught me a lot, she really did, and she was at that cottage every summer, the cottage that is my favorite place on Earth, shes the reason we have it, shes the reason it has survived, this family has survived, and shes amazing for that. I cant make it to the funeral, but I will be there in spirit, sending my thoughts to Grandma and my love to all the family who feels this loss too, and a little reminder to hold onto the sunshine, cause really whats life without the sunshine?

I am so excited to go home and get a piece of ALLLL the sunshine that they have there, and Thanksgiving is such a homey holiday. All the family there, the smells, the warmth, the packed house, the full tummies, its perfect. And my best friends. And the snow. Its all so perfect. I love it. I love it here too and Im so lucky to be here in the sunshine with amazing friends and amazing adventures. And I just really am thankful to have this amazing life that i have, its really really fantastic and whenever Im down all I have to do is look around because I have the most amazing people in my life and have been pushed and helped so much in getting where I am and am just so damn lucky :). I love it.

Rest in Peace Grandma

My dad called a couple hours ago, Grandma passed away this morning. Wow, thats kind of all I know to say. Ive cried and cried, and feel a little alone here at school. I know people care, but its just not my mom and Ese and Zachy and Liv, I need them to hug me and hold me and just feel it a little bit with me. We knew this was coming, but it doesn't matter how much your expecting it, it still hits hard, and like Bryan and Kyle said, its kind of a numb feeling. I cant believe she is gone, that woman had the strongest will I have ever known, I thought she was going to will herself to live forever. She was amazing, she was crazy, but what grandma isn't? She held those boys together, she was the Queen of the Maddex family. So strong, so independent, a lot of things that I want to be. I cannot believe she is gone. She went when it was time though. Sounds like the last couple days she went down fast and she didn't suffer too much so thats good, she is in peace now.

I hope more than anything she is with Eric, I dont know what I believe in, but I do believe in Eric up there watching over me, and now I hope they are together, with Grandpa too, and all sorts of other amazing people. I imagine it sort of being like a birth in that world, like everyone is excited to welcome her, especially cause she had a long, well lived life. And it was time. I hope she can hug Eric, for me, for her, for mom and dad and Jesse, and for everyone else. I just can only hope she is at peace and happy and rejoicing with the people she has missed.

The cottage wont be the same without her, it really will be so different and so weird. Death is the weirdest thing, I really cant grasp it, I don't know how you are supposed to. I guess if nothing else it reminds you of how special life is and how special the people in your life are.

I'm glad I got to be with her this summer and cook for her and sit inside and read while she slept, that was a good way to spend my last time with her, a really good way.

I'm thinking about the family, i know this has to be so hard on everyone, the boys. I know its hard on my daddy, I wish i could hug him cause thats as far as emotions go with him, but thats enough in this situation. I am even more ready to go home now. I don't actually know how this is gonna feel now, we'll see. I love you Grandma, I love you everyone who is in my life. Hold on tight to those who are close to you, it's really really important.

for katie...and for sean...and all those who feel this

Last night I opened my email and had a short message from Katie "I need you more then anything..." her uncle who has been battling cancer passed away Saturday morning. She is very very close to her uncle and aunt and their kids and spent time out there this summer (a lot of time) helping with the kids and such as Laura and Sean worked at keeping him healthy. There were ups and downs, times when they felt there was a miracle on the horizon, and times when nobody knew exactly what would happen. Sean lived much longer then expected, and through my numerous conversations with Katie, and more recent frequent visits to the website dedicated to Sean and keeping the world updated on his struggle, Sean was an absolutely amazing man. He was an art teacher who students absolutely loved, he had an amazing sense of humor seen in his loving interactions with his kids, sold his own amazing artwork, and so much more. When I got the email I cried for Katie, more then anything my heart broke not being able to be there for her. She said she cant talk on the phone right now, its just too hard to talk about...completely understandable and expected, I wish I could fly home to be with her. She was so emotionally involved in Sean's journey, felt it from so many different angles just as I'm sure so many people involved with Sean and the family did. It's such sad news, crazy how the greatest people are taken from us, sometimes I think there must be some higher power to take people like Eric and Ms.Oaks and Sean, it's not fair, not fair at all, especially to those who are left behind, with the greatest mark on their heart, one that they aren't ready to let go of. Sean touched so many people's life, Katie told me all about it and the guestbook is a total testament to that. I hurt for his wife, for his girls who don't get to have their daddy around for the rest of their life. This struggle of his cancer just became a whole new struggle for the girls and Laura especially, as for everyone else involved. I just hope, that higher power, if he's there can take care of them, or the world, their friends, family, and people on the street who know nothing, I hope they can share smiles and love and memories and continue on in the life Sean lead them and was beside them through. Its crazy how my heart broke hearing the news, how I sat in my room with the door closed crying, at a loss for Katie, a loss for not being able to be there for her. I love you Katie, you will be stronger because of this, you already are, still I wish you didn't have to feel this, i wish nobody ever had to feel the pain of loss. So...think about Katie and Sean and his friends and family, smile at people in the street, maybe they lost someone, be thankful for the people in your world and tell them everyday, cause life is in no way predictable and no way fair. Hang in there love, you'll get through this.

home...the spot where my heart is fully content and at ease

Yesterday on my three hour train ride to San Fran (there was a crash) I wasted time looking through my entire Iphoto library. It started the beginning of senior year...mostly homecoming and on. I looked at every single picture, relived every single moment, and relished in the fact that i have the most amazing friends. In 8th grade when I first moved to Summit and even through Sophomore year it wasn't an easy road, I wasn't sure where I fit, not that most of us were, but I felt like I didn't fit. By senior year I found my world. Those girls in all the pictures....Liv, more then anyone else, Steph, Catie, Molly, Alyssa, Kali..they characterize my high school experience. We had our ups and downs but in some shape they had been a part of it since the beginning. Each shaping a piece of my life, going through all the crazy times and all the hard times and all the amazing times, we had a great thing. We got closer and closer, and left each other behind with tears. Now, two months into freshmen year of college I cant wait to see them, to hug them, to be at home with them.

Even more, the pictures pretty much led to my conclusion that senior year, from start to finish was about as good as it could get. Ya, there were some serious hardships, but so many other things color the memories so much brighter. GREAT friends, great memories and a really great relationship to top it all off. Really, it was fantastic, in so many billions of ways, and I'm so happy that I ended it that way, I couldn't ask for anything more. I miss them, I miss them all a whole lot. And as happy as I was, some piece of me was so sad that we are all onto a new stage now, but I know when we go home, so easily, it will all fall right back into place. I cant wait, I really cant wait.

Two weeks, two weeks til I'm home. I love this place, its everything I ever wanted. I have amazing friends, amazing experiences day after day but its a transition, like any other and going home is that much sweeter because of it. Everyday for the last two months I have been learning, taking it all in, bombarded with non stop information, formally or informally delivered about the new world that I call home when Im away for the weekend. It's so fun, so exciting, but equally exhausting. The emotional idea of "home" in my current world is so much stronger then the physical "home", here is home for today, leadville is home forever, someday home will be where my husband is and so on, but the feeling of home, while it may expand it will always be the same.

The feeling of being in the presence of people who know exactly who are, they know exactly where you come from, exactly the life you dream of, and that you know the same. Home is the feeling of not having to teach anybody about yourself, put off a certain image, or learn anything about anyone else. Don't get me wrong we will have experiences to share, but we will be us, just like we always have been and ultimately always will be. Home is being completely comfortable and my heart being completely content, the cozy feeling that takes over your entire body when everything feels just right, even if it's really a mass of confusion and hardship. Home is my best friends voices, their laughs, their hugs and body heat in a setting where personal space is non existent because we are all one, and we share our space just like we share our worlds. My heart soars thinking of this home, and I can just barely imagine how amazing it is to be in this home, the one that will always be consistent, no matter where I lay my head at night, where my toothbrush is or where underwear drawer is. This home is the home that has made me who I am, the one that shaped my world, its in Leadville and its in Summit, sometimes in Boulder and Fort Collins and Glenwood and Tacoma, Washington, this home is all over the world, but the feeling is always the same. And I cant wait to feel it again and love it and grasp it, to bring back to this new world with me, to continue to spread while i teach and learn :)

RYLA is amazing

I just read Mei's blog, Mei was the head counselor my year of RYLA and is absolutely amazing and inspiring, like no one else I've ever known. Her words are beautiful, her photos are beautiful and her thoughts are so inspiring. She's been through so much and sees the world from a view that is so incredible. She is a serious role model, her adventures, the love she has for the people in her life, the way she goes about every day, its fantastic.

RYLA is amazing, seriously the best people come from that place. Day after day I am reminded how lucky I am that RYLA has become such a big part of my world and that I continuously get to be influenced by RYLA people and share life with them, its fantastic. One of my campers said "We really need to get together and I also think we should have a whole camp reunion" I almost cried, its so amazing that she realizes the power of 180 kids, and how good it feels to be together and wants us all together again, I wish I could give that to her. I wish we could have RYLA school forever and for always, someday maybe, I mean its not out of reach at all with these people around. And this years counselor family is so much in itself, it blows me away, it really is the most fantastic thing ever.

Thats all, I just love RYLA a lot :)

Oh and I'm going to spend the weekend with my brother and spend sometime outside, I'm missing the open space. I'm excited, I really really love him being this close. And I'll be home in 2 weeks, that is the best feeling in the world :)

home with my steezy

Stella and I are sitting in the room, doing homework, more likely browsing facebook and listening to Norah Jones, we just had a little bit of a cleaning spree. We try to stay clean but it's a small space, and we have a third roomie and every so often it hits one of us, so we both go into cleaning mood. I love the feeling of just being in here with her, the Norah Jones reminds me of mom, our room is ours, nobody elses and when one of us is down, the other notices. We don't spend every minute together but we have a connection like sisters. It'll be weird to go home and not wake up to her and of course Keely. It's funny how this place becomes a home, and you kinda don't notice, it just happens. But this tiny space, our mixed cultures, sometimes obvious other times not are just how I like it. We have asian ramen noodles and pad thai in our fridge, we also have honey nut cheerios and wheat thins, none of it is hers or mine, we just share. It'd be weird to come to college and not have a roomate, not have someone else's life to navigate. She teaches me about her world, fashion, the asian culture, all sorts of things, just her thoughts, no matter where they come from, and I teach her about mine, mostly just through living it, seeing each other's worlds. And our life, more and more every day, becomes a little more one.

Scotty is gone at basic, and skype keeps messing with my head saying he is online. He has become such a shoulder for me, picking me up whenever I'm down, its weird having him gone. I can't even imagine what he is thinking, what he's doing, it's crazy. This is the journey he's been waiting for. I cant wait to hear, Sunday's he can write letters, and read mine, so the weeks with roll by with Sunday's connecting them. With Scotty, and Elyse and Liv and Zachy and everyone else who isn't here, the moon always comforts me, something about how its there and we all see it, we all look at it with similar thoughts, its beauty, its awe, its wonder, I like that, we are all on the same planet and experiencing something similar even though we are so far apart.

Speaking of...Zachy and Ese are coming to see me for my birthday. I invited them not expecting it to work out, then Ese called to say she was coming and I couldn't stop screaming. It's weird not having them know my world, my room, my friends, the things I see every day and I can't wait to show them my world. Not to mention I get to spend my birthday weekend with them, I'm so dang excited I can't wait.

I wish Liv could come too, I think about her so often, we spent so much of our time together, more time with her then probably anyone else in the last 5 years. Our minds just match up, and it's weird not having her to share my thoughts with me, thats why we talk all the time, so we can share our thoughts and worlds and laughs. I cant wait to be home with her, and everyone else. It's gonna be fantastic...17 days!

So...I've been doing a lot of thinking about this major choosing thing. I'm not sure why, actually I am, because I'm leaning towards Sociology and English, and I see how it could be useful all over the place, especially Sociology. I think it's so interesting. And I love english I always have, that would let me teach, and give me a better basis to get into grad school or even law school, really whatever comes my way. I think teaching abroad or in teach for america could be great, and teaching really anywhere could probably be really enjoyable, we'll see what happens, but I've been leaning towards Soc and English for a while now, and like it more and more everyday. Hopefully next years classes can just intensify that feeling. I'm not sure if I should take psych again just to see how it fits, maybe not yet, there are so many other interesting classes, who knows. Picking classes is hard cause there are so many choices, I'll figure it out though.

I hung out with Jes today, and I'm gonna go up there this weekend. I'm really in love with this life. Things have turned out so well. And I have a problem of thinking, I think a lot about the timing of life, and how some things didnt work with timing, but thats life. And I tell myself and other people everyday, somehow its all gonna fall into place, sometimes its just a matter of being patient, or more so of focusing on today, not then or whats coming, its all gonna work out. And its pretty damn good now, so if theres more good to come I'm in luck :)