i love it. i love the amazing people in my life.

I'm laying in bed eating Hayley's yummy irish oatmeal, its a second dinner, but its delicious and Im very thoughtful. My eyes hurt from staring at the computer for hours trying to write my paper and wasting time on facebook in the mean time. I decided to put it away and I started being very thoughtful. I am going home in a week, I am unbelievably excited, its a feeling that I've never felt, I cant explain it other than I am sooo incredibly excited, but I say that about other things but this is different. Its like I can feel it in my heart how excited I am, how happy I am to go home. Its a week now, not even, in less than a week I will be home, sitting on Zachy's couch after giving my mom the biggest hug ever and spending a few silent minutes or maybe an hour in my bed. I really want to cry thinking about it because it sounds so great. I started making real plans with Liv and Molly and Megsy, not just OMG WE HAVE TO HANG OUT...this is what we are gonna do, cause I will actually be there. Wow, its great that being here makes there a million times better.

I also know that after 12 hours away from this place I am gonna miss it like crazy. I will miss the warmth and the flip flops. I will miss Keely and Stella and Hayley, I will miss Hayley and Keely and I's craziness and all the fun we have. I'll miss Stephen's massages and walking down to Mark and Ryan's room to bug them and annoy them and be the crazys that we are. I'll miss getting ready all in one room for too long and having them right here to help me choose what to wear. I'll miss my naps in the sunshine. I'll miss the gym just a walk away. And I'll miss the delicious salads. I will miss having people around all the time (a little bit) I will miss this room, I will miss this view, i will miss this routine. And just when I start to miss it enough I will be back. I will miss our inside jokes, its gonna be funny having inside jokes with other people than the people at home, thinking of our jokes and having to laugh to myself cause they wont understand. Its weird that they wont understand, but we will have our own jokes, from so many years, and in a week or an hour or a day will make more. Its perfect, I love it here and I love it there, what more could I ask for. Its funny how I feel like I have a lot of homes. Last year it was Leadville and Summit. My house, Zachy's house, Liv's house, Meigan's house, Jeff's house, the Fretz's, Ese's house, Mindy's in Avon, SHS, Young RYLA those have all been homes. Now here is another one, a really big one, one that is all in one place, but oh so much home. Home is a funny thing. Physical, mental, funny, funny how it fits how it becomes how it changes. Its also just with people, like it doesnt matter where I am in the world if Im with Ese and Zachy and Chels and Dave and Liv and everyone from RYLA or any of those people Im at home, thats even greater. I like it, I like having so many homes.... Michigan too, a home forever and for always, now so different without Grandma. I like that there are so many places I feel at home, cause the feeling is what is so great, the feeling of being so comfortable no matter what, the feeling of finally being home, all those places have been that to me and I think Im soooo freaking lucky to have that at so many homes :).

I spent Thursday night and Friday as a complete disaster, so sad and upset and kinda lost. I was so upset about Grandma, an upset that kinda caught me off guard. I felt it soo much, I spent ten minutes on the phone with mom just crying and crying and crying. A life lost, what does that mean. It means so much and its such a crazy concept. Then being so upset about Grandma and being here where I just wasnt with my mom or my best friends, I got so homesick, something I havent been yet and it was the craziest feeling, like at the drop of a hat I was just gonna cry my eyes out and like nothing else mattered except getting home. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing, but luckily it only lasted a day and half and then I got better. I have so much sunshine in my life to pick me up when Im down. Thursday night I talked to Liv forever and she heard me and felt with me and made it better, and Gamachu brought some sunshine back into my life and Britt and I thought about RYLA and how much sunshine that is. Then Friday Hayley and Keely, my lovely trio girls dragged me to SF to take food to the sick and the homeless and slowly life seemed a little less scary and all the sunshine came back out. And my little cousin Shannon said "I think she lived for a long time and had a good life and now she is at peace and I think we should celebrate her life" and shes right. Of course its so sad she is not with us anymore, hard to let go even though my once a year trip to MI was the only time I saw her, its hard to know she wont be there next year, but she was there for the last 18, and she has done so many great things, and now she is with Eric and Grandpa and all the people Kyle said she started talking about and she's happier. And im happy for her and Im lucky I had her in my life, even if we butted heads like crazy, she taught me a lot, she really did, and she was at that cottage every summer, the cottage that is my favorite place on Earth, shes the reason we have it, shes the reason it has survived, this family has survived, and shes amazing for that. I cant make it to the funeral, but I will be there in spirit, sending my thoughts to Grandma and my love to all the family who feels this loss too, and a little reminder to hold onto the sunshine, cause really whats life without the sunshine?

I am so excited to go home and get a piece of ALLLL the sunshine that they have there, and Thanksgiving is such a homey holiday. All the family there, the smells, the warmth, the packed house, the full tummies, its perfect. And my best friends. And the snow. Its all so perfect. I love it. I love it here too and Im so lucky to be here in the sunshine with amazing friends and amazing adventures. And I just really am thankful to have this amazing life that i have, its really really fantastic and whenever Im down all I have to do is look around because I have the most amazing people in my life and have been pushed and helped so much in getting where I am and am just so damn lucky :). I love it.