giving, living, loving

The gym is my favorite place in the world. I seriously could end this at that, but I guess I'll elaborate. My heads been a little crazy today, there has been a lot happenign these last couple weeks. Not really directly affecting me but directly affecting the people I love, lots of loss and some serious hurt and I just dont like it. Elyse called me last night and was so upset about something too big, and I stayed on the phone with her just trying to hug her and love her and tell her it was gonna be ok through the phone. Then I talked to Liv, trying to make sense of this stage in her life. And Britt's been hurting and Katie, and grandma passing and other things. Its not fair, my grandma passing away is fair, it was time, but all the other things are not fair. And especially because the bad things are happening to the best people, thats a funny thing, and a whole nother conversation. I was having a really hard time trying to be there through the phone, not being able to hug them and give them a little of the sense of joy that I have spent most my time here feeling. Its a hard thing being far away, its a hard thing seeing the people you love in pain and I was starting to get defensive. Mess with me and I'll probably walk away silently, but mess with my friends and I will drop everything and pull out some harshness to make things better for them. Weird how that works, reminds me of my mommy. I gotta be careful with it. All these things are happening and Im here loving things and just ready to give Ese and Liv and Tiff and Britt and my dad a hug, cause thats the easiest most meaningful way to show you care. I was exhausted from staying up late doing loads of homework and spending time on the phone trying to make people feel better and I was starting to get a little unstable, as Katie talked to me about Novie and Dashe (Sean's girls) I cried, I obviously needed something.

I went to the gym just like every other night and just like every time I go it saves me. It lets me forget about everything else and find some peace of mind. Running or biking or whatever it is lets me get out some stress and emotions physically. In religion today we learned about one guys philosophy that emotions are very physical, and at the gym I can release some of that. I can focus on me, when a lot of the time Im trying to make sure everyone else is ok and in a weird way I can just relax. Its amazing, its my escape, it makes everything a million times better and rejuvinates me every time, thats why I keep going, I'm addicted and I love it.

My religion class is starting to get a little more deep and thoughtful, a little more relative and with a little more room for interpretation. Heres a little something from this huge paper we had to do about our experience, just cause its relative and so true.

While walking out of the Zen center Master Jian Ling, Vice Abbot complimented me, “You are so kind”, he said thoughtfully “in Zen Buddhism we call you a living Bodhisattva”. I was speechless. This simple compliment from the Abbot was the most meaningful I have ever received. The abbot complimented me for being kind because of many small occurrences of helping others throughout the day, and in this simple sentence relayed to me what Buddhism, and in my mind, so many religions are about at the core. Religion is about caring for others, being aware of yourself and the people around you and being mindful of doing the right thing. Although I have not come to a full understanding of religion, I have come to a greater realization of the importance of constantly being aware, of my self and of my interactions with others. I was reminded to always be caring and open to others solely because it’s the right thing to do. If the cycle of being aware and complimenting others can continue and spread maybe we can reach a better place in this world of chaos. Maybe there can be a little more peace and love, and maybe by being more aware of ourselves and our interactions with others we can really create change. Whether you choose to pray to a higher power or to meditate to clear your mind, what matters is the way you live your life, how you act in everyday situations, and your perception of the world. Despite the differences, I’ve learned that religion is a guideline for living right. No matter which religion you choose, what the rituals are, who the higher power is, or what salvation means, being religious means finding a way to get the most out of life, and more so to give the most you possibly can and be the best you can be.

I think its meaningful. And I feel like through all the ups and downs, and bringing them here and putting them into my classes I have learned quite a bit. Maybe more than someone my age would perfer to have learned as a consequence of some of the not so fun moments. But Im here and Im alive, and when I think about my past, really I think about so much good, and the bad barely graces my mind, except all its taught me. I wanna be caring and open and mindful. I want to always hold onto the sunshine. I wanna give as much as I can but take care of myself at the same time. I wanna live as best as I can, ha cliche right, ya totally but its true, so day by dad, I need to remember :)