so much to love

I keep coming back and trying to write but it keeps not coming out right.
I'm home and my week of freedom is ending. I spent the whole last week with all of the amazing people in my life. Everytime I left someone I wished I could stay longer. So lucky and still so many more amazing people to see.  I spent the last two days in Fort Collins helpin out Mindy and watching Kamryn. We had a blast. She was so great for me and we laughed and laughed and laughed.  Part of me wishes I could just live down there and nanny for her. What a fun way to spend your summer days living them up like a kiddo.  We watched chipmunks last night and went to bed early, woke up to her little voice wanting some love, watched cartoons, loaded on the sunscreen and rode to the park.  We ate push ups and wiped our hands in the grass to get the melty stickiness off and went home and curled up for nap time.  It was wonderful and she just loved and laughed the whole time. She's at a super fun age.
I wanna be there for Mindy as much as I possibly can. Its been a rough going and I just want to make it easier.  They are so so special to me and I so did not want to leave.

I stopped to see Britt and some of the RYLA fam on the way and it was so great. They make me better. Thats what I want in life people that make me better. So much to talk about and laugh about and learn. I could spend days and days and days with them. I just really really love them

So I drove off and I felt the funk coming.  The week of fun was ending. And it was time to go back to reality and accept the fact that I am really home for the entire summer.  Home is hard. Leadville is wonderful yet still Leadville. Mom is amazing but still Mom.  Its just all so different.  Im far away from a lot of my friends and sometimes just feel like there isnt much here. So I called Hayley and we talked all about life.  About everyone at school all the things we usually talk about day after day. We talked about how weird home is.  How different it feels. How different we feel. How we feel like we have two different lives. And when I got off the phone I reminded myself to not be bitter to enjoy this.  I've been in love with the song "your gonna miss this, your gonna want this back, your gonna wish this time hadnt gone by so fast"  I think it fits to all of life. Its all really freaking good and all goes by really freakin fast.  So why not enjoy it.  And song after song came on reminding me of my plan to come home and love this place. And enjoy the peace and the quiet and needing to find ways to entertain myself.  There is good stuff here I just gotta find it.

I wanna feel the summer nights. The excitement. Watch the stars.  Go on adventures. Be spontaneous. Be outside. And just enjoy it, cause I might never be back here again. So Im gonna keep reminding myself again and again so that I dont get caught in my silly funk. There is tooo much good no matter where I am to ever wish I was somewhere else.  

I learned so much this year.  So much about me and life and the people around me.  Hayley and I were talking about how so many fewer things get to us now cause we have started to realize whats really important. We went to a party in summit with totally random people the other night and not even for one second was I concerned with what they thought about me.  And with Kam none of the little stuff got to me I just enjoyed every second of the love and fun.  And with my mom Im trying so hard to let it all be and friends and this town and everything.  There are just such bigger things out there. 

Im gonna go hang with my Zachy. And go on a bike ride tomorrow and work and then camp.  There is so dang much to love.  I just gotta keep reminding myself. :)

lovin on my sweet Kamryn Rae

Im laying in bed with my sweet Kamryn Rae. We are watching the new chipmunks movie.  Its crazy how much love I have for this child. How I can watch her all day and be constantly amazed and in awe at how amazing she is. She is so much fun, so adorable, sweet, funny, smart and so many things. Life is just so wonderful in her eyes and I absolutely love it. She is such a bottle of sunshine and I feel so lucky to be a part of her life and to forever have this special relationship with her.  
Mindy is reminding me how special life is. How special making life, sharing love, giving love, spreading life is. Its scary how sometimes it just doesn't go as planned. And how much it hurts. But she is stronger than anyone I have ever know and Kam is such an amazing gift from someone up there who is watching out. I see it in her eyes every minute that she so much more than just a little girl :)

The stars finally came out last night. And the late night made it finally feel like summer :) I like it

Im exhausted and missing my Clara world. Maybe its starting to hit a little.  Or maybe the four hours of sleep I got last night just arent cutting it.

Its starting to feel more and more like summer.  Sushi with the girls yesterday. Sunshine today. Work starting Thursday and camping with the crew Thursday.  Crazy wonderful life I tell you :)

Back to bed with my Kamryn. Night

snow??????

good morning. happy summer. ITS SNOWING OUTSIDE!!! AHHHH
seriously snow? its june 14th and I know this happens here but I still REALLY hate it. UGH! I would really love to be back in the California sun, or even better bring me the sun to Leadville :). Its hard to feel like summer and motivate to do much of anything when its snowing outside. You just wanna curl up and be lazy as can be. So I think Ill go to Zachys and do that.


Im home for the summer. And it so doenst feel real. Feels like I'll be back at school in just a couple days. I wonder if I'll ever actually realize that I am here for three months.  It feels really good though. The fresh air, blue sky, big comfy bed, silence, mom making me meals, best friends, my car, home...so many things feel wonderful.


And it has started out so perfectly.
Liv and Steph picked me up and we laughed and were crazy and talked all about life
Ese and Zachy and I sat on the couch and made egg in the holes at 10pm
We went to the grill, made smores, talked about crazy things with Craigy
Saturday we had a Young RYLA get together...wonderful wonderful wonderful as always. The new team is out of this world. And of course it was so so great to see and catch up with the returners while learning all about the newbies. I drove with Rolo which was wonderful to have so much time to catch up. I LOVE RYLA...did you know? :)
Saturday night I came home and hung with the summit crew. We laughed so much and it was absolutely wonderful.
Yesterday I finally got home and relaxed a little. Started on my room. Slept so well in my own bed. And had a little bit of a chance to think about life.
But still I dont really wanna think about it, or know what to think about it.


I miss that world. I miss my girls. Even the goofy boys, the wake up swig at 2 in the morning, the late night talks with my hayley, laughing so hard we cry, jamming to all the songs that have come to define freshmen year. Such a wonderful, out of this world year. I miss the sunshine. The swimming pool. My roomie. Always having someone around. Lauren blessing my soul.  Room 214. I miss it so much. Like a lot a lot. And its only the beginning of the summer.


But its ok. Life is so good. There and here. Its weird how its like two separate lives. I wish I knew how to connect them. And I do, I'm bringing back all that I learned to here. But its weird how different they are. I still have so much I need to talk about this year. How perfect it was. But sometimes NOT thinking about it all makes it that much easier.


But here is good. If only the snow would go away. Ill be back. Still not quite in blogging, thinking, emotional mode. Eventually though. :)


XOXOXO
Do a sun dance for us, we really need it :)

transitioning in Phoenix

Just a little update


I made it out of Swig alive, in tact and with all of my things packed and on their way to wherever they were supposed to end up. Even after some serious freak outs and last minute planning.  Our room was cleaned after franticness. I said bye without balling (i cried a good amount but pulled myself together) and we didnt get charged for anything
Successful I guess.
But Im not quite sure how you call the end of an amazing year and packing up and saying good bye successful. But if you can it was.


I'm in the Arizona airport. My eyes are SOO heavy and that status of my zombieness is at an all time high. Three hours of sleep last night and two weeks of 5 hours nights before that. If nothing else I gotta get home so I can get some sleep.


Just talked to my dad about what I'll do when I get home on Friday. FRIDAY IS TOMORROW! I am going home right now. I will be home home tomorrow. Rafting the next day. Camping that night...what the heck is happening. I am so confused. SUCH a freaking mind boggling time warp. I dont get it.


I cant believe this year is over. And am in no place to even think about it.  I cried hard when we said bye to 214, cried hugging Stella and Hayley, Keely and Lauren.  Walking away from Swig. Hugging Rubes. GAHHH! I just cant believe its over. I mean I totally DO NOT believe its over.
But...still it was out of this world, the best year of my life, more than I could ever ask for. And even exhausted, sad, so ready to be done traveling, packing, streessing, I feel full of joy and love and excitement. I feel so full of life and so content and satisfied with where I am. I dont have any regrets about this year and see nothing but wonderfulness ahead. Its gonna be great. GREAT!


I sat next to a really really nice guy on the airplane. We talked about school and life and kids and jobs and all sorts of things. As much as I wanted to sleep I wasnt annoyed with him at all, he was so cool, so interested and had great stories. He had three girls between the age of 18-21...explains his life as living in a sorority. I told him I had two older brothers, let him believe my parents were married. I never lied, or even meant to lie, I just didnt give details and let him believe whatever he wanted.  He was a great guy. Funny thinking I could say I have two older brothers, cause its not like I can say I cant, and I dont wanna give details...so I thought about my life as he heard it. So different. ha


I'll be back tomorrow to debrief this craziness. For now wish me luck that I can make it home alive. I might miss my plane falling asleep. Or collapse while I'm walking.  
But I feel good. Excited to go home. So so so unbelievable fortunate and amazed at how wonderful the year was. And ready for some serious sleep, momma time, home, and best friends :)

i like that

hi. i finished my last final yesterday. academically im done with freshmen year. mentally...i have no idea where i am. not anywhere where my thoughts make much sense so its gonna be a list kinda day


I like:
that i stayed up til 2:30 sitting outside talking about life with my hayley last night
that this year has taught us so much
that people from worlds so far from mine have become my best friends
that im so not ready for this so be over
that i have fallen in love with swimming
that the sun is shining bright
that i have wonderful friends to look forward to going home too
that this year is the most amazing i have ever had
that we swam in the benson fountain at 2 am
that i spent sunday afternoon with my brother, caught up on life and feelings, watched dolphins and stuck our toes in the water
that i get to have dinner with him and kylie tomorrow
that i get to go rafting with this years RYLA team on saturday
and camping with the crew saturday night
that i feel full of life, full of excitement, full of love
that we can lay in bed and cry and laugh and tell each other how much we love each other
that we can reminisce about this year and be so happy for ALL the ups and the downs
that I am confident the fantastic four will stay close next year
that i dont have to worry about school work for three months
that im going home to a job, a town and a family that i love more than life
that this has become my home
that i have learned more about myself this year than any other year of my life
that i feel like one of the most fortunate people in the world
that my parents taught me so much
that there is so much excitement to come
that i have learned to be passionate
that i could go on forever


you get the idea. life is really good. but still my hearts a little sore. sore that this amazing year is ending. soar that i wont be living with these people next year. soar that i am leaving in two days.


my heart also is a little exhausted. has lots of packing to do. and is trying to support a sore, tweaked back again.


we talked all night last night. we dont sleep anymore. we have to talk and feel and love. and its all so great. but i imagine its like coming off of some sort of a high..from an adventure, a person you love, something illegal, something exhilarating, an adrenaline rush....


i feel a little numb. a little sore. a little scared. and a LOT like i wish i could pause time.


still i am excited. for all that is to come. always. but this is just so weird. i am constantly completely blown away...at how amazing this life is. and at how fast it is flying by me. slow down, i love you too much to not be able to soak up every moment. but i guess if its flying that means im soaking it up.


heres to two more days. of the most amazing year of my life. with amazing people. and goodbyes that are nothing but see ya laters and time to put all this into home. goodbyes that lead to lots of skype and letters and phone calls. and then hellos of excitement and joy and love and missing, and a summer of fun to lead up to yet another wonderful year. :)

something you have to feel

Good morning...its 2:46 am and boy do I need to be in bed.
But somehow freshmen year ending just will not allow for sleep. There is too much to be talked about, too much fun to have, to much freshmen year to live up.
We just went swimming in the benson fountain right in the middle of Hayley and I talking about how much we love this year and how weird all this going home stuff and freshmen year ending is.
It is absolutely surreal. Thats all I know.


I am so not ready to leave this place. I have learned and grown so much. Had amazing adventures, been challenged so much, met out of this world people and have had one of the best years of my life.  Of course home is home but right now I am in this mode, in learning and growing and feeling every second mode. I just don't wanna not feel that when I go home. And this year has been uniquely awesome. Seems like most people I've talked to do not feel as attached to their freshmen year as we do. How did I get so lucky? Seriously HOW?


I'm gonna miss the crushed puffins on my floor. Stella coming in at 2 in the morning. Boys laughing about farting cats. Lauren yelling bless your soul from the room next door. Hayley 2 doors down.  Im gonna miss room 214 and Denny Jacqueline Sam Katie Ellen Kyle...all these people who I live with and have come to love more than life itself. What a wonderful wonderful life I have.


Last year when graduation was coming I wrote about living in this moment, letting the past be the past and the future be the future...and nothing more. About how this is where I am now and forever I will be where I am at that moment and why worry about what happened or whats coming.  And its true life wont stop being amazing, I'm too addicted now. But this year just went way too fast. I'm so not ready to move on from this experience, and every little thing that makes it what it is. Time scares the crap out of me...no joke its like my biggest fear.


We spent the last friday night out having a blast, laid out and swam today and then spent hours in the library with Lauren turning into our typical library crazed selfs.  We just swam in the Benson fountain and it was perfect, absolutely just what we needed.  Life is so good. SO SO SO good and I seriously cannot put into words to anybody what this year means to me, how I feel about life, how much I have grown and how lucky I am.  Its something you have to feel. 


And more than anything else, I hope everyone in the world gets a chance to feeling this feeling. Its out of this world!

its all a dream

hello hello hello..
first of all just a little disclaimer...i am tired and stressed and therefore EMOTIONAL...sorry
I cried at a cubicle in the library the other night, oops, I guess thats what happens at college


I also got choked up at the LUCHA Kindergarten graduation tonight. Who knew after working with these kids for just 10 weeks I could love them THAT MUCH!  It was absolutely adorable and all of them gave me hugs and high fives and the parents asked for pictures and it was fantastic. And the little girls wore big fluffy dresses and the boys had on ties. I just wanted to scoop them all up and take them with me and play. Its crazy how you dont realize how much kids can mean to you and teach you and care about you.  That is why I love them so so so much and I am beyond excited to be the coordinator for this wonderful little school next year. They are doing really great things for those kids, the parents, teachers and all of the staff. Its an awesome place and Im feeling myself get kind of attached :)


Another emotional thing....1 week from now I will be on a plane home...not for a couple days, or a couple weeks FOR A FEW MONTHS! WHOA! Freshmen year is that close to over, that close. Its insane. We had our meeting about moving out last night. And have slowly been packing. And I am so so so not ready for this to end. Yet still ready to be done with school and home with my best friends. Its a weird feeling...like 1/3 of my heart is ready and the rest just does not wanna let go of this out of this world year.   Ey yi yi


Im almost there as far as school. Easy english final tomorrow, Psych paper due Sunday and Spanish final Monday.  I CAN DO IT! 


Some sleep would really help, like a whole lot, I've been getting like 3 hours a night cause I just cant fall asleep. Rediculous.


I already have tons of plans for when Im home and that makes me SO excited. Liv and Steph are picking me up. RYLA rafting Saturday, Summit crew CAMPING Saturday night (SO SO SO SO excited for that) and lots and lots more. Its gonna be a good summer.


But for now Im gonna continuing convincing myself that freshmen year isnt over. Theres no way. I swear its all a dream.