So its raining outside. And I couldn't really sleep last night. And I'm sitting here reading blog post after blog post of my dear Yolanda who lived in Casa Romero with me and returned to El Salvador for the summer. And its just igniting something inside me. Her heart is full and open and grappling with all these things we spent four months grappling with. And then came back and could only grapple with for so long until it just felt like we weren't getting anywhere. "That was the dark ages" Claire said, and Margot and I talked about being walking gray, dark, stormy rain clouds. Yoli wrote in her blog about Casa being a diving board, to live this summer there in a new and better way, not in a way of trying to recreate Casa or missing it every second. I think thats the whole point, and slowly we live into understanding it as a diving board into this big old world of suffering and love that we have to find our place in. I haven't completely lived into understanding that yet, I mean I'm not sure if I ever fully will. But I do know Casa has been on my heart lately and I also know Im going to Paraguay in 18 days and somehow I think those two things might be related.
Junior year ends in ten days, that feels big. These last nine months have been some of the craziest and definitely the most transformative of my life. And unlike at the end of freshmen and sophomore year I don't really feel like I have a conclusive way to tie a pretty bow on them and understand exactly what they meant. My heart is feeling a little bit of lacking in the processing department. In El Salvador all we ever did was process. Then coming back Margot filled that space for me, but this quarter she is off adventuring and without blogging/talking to Margot/ weekly community night some of the thoughts in my head are stuck as half thoughts. Saturday night everyone was gone and being home alone was so glorious... I laid on the couch with the love lights lit and journaled and journaled and journaled. Some rambling, some finding and some shaking hands with fears I haven't really let myself meet yet.
Going to Paraguay is scary. In a completely 100% different way than going to El Salvador was. I'm not so scared of not being able to speak Spanish, or of the bugs and the new and the different. I'm not so scared of being thousands of miles away from home and out of touch with the world. I'm scared of coming back face to face with the suffering I saw in El Salvador and asking the same questions without the family that Romero became surrounding me. I am scared of not understanding my place in this world all over again. Of being frustrated and angry and not really super excited to come back. But at the same time, all of those things are exactly why I'm going. It is going to be so different, so new, and such a learning experience. In similar and different ways than Casa. And I cant expect it to be Casa and really shouldn't even be comparing the two. But am just so grateful to have Casa as a diving board to spring me into this newness with a different understanding of the world. Something that I cant put words to but that lives deep down in my heart and sees suffering and love as such beauty and that just wants to learn from these people who in so many ways have so much more than me.
Ive also been thinking about life after Santa Clara. WHOA... completely out of control that its time to be thinking about that a little. And encountering these funny things that you hear about everyone encountering when they have to start making real life decisions. My heart says one thing but the pressures of the world totally have their way of saying another thing. More to come on that later... but just a funny thing to be feeling.
I cant believe in two weeks Im moving out of Casita Bonita... I love this little apartment and the wonderful mujeres I live with. Its totally become home. And Im so gonna miss it. And I cant believe Ill be getting on a plane to Paraguay. Life just keeps moving, so so fast. I miss having this space to slow down and think about how its moving. Feels right to be putting my thoughts onto paper again, although journaling is so wonderful it sometimes just turns into rambling crazy when no one is listening. I also need to find a new name for this blog. My heart has been opened.. and will continue to be opened. But I need to give credit to the rest of the world, especially since Ill be writing from Paraguay. Suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading. XOXO
Monday, June 4, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Your Life Will be Brilliant
A few weeks ago Kylie said "I miss your blog" and we talked about the funny feeling of writing about our own lives but also loving reading about other peoples lives. Funny humans. A couple others have commented on my lack of blog posts too.. I have been completely M.I.A and for those of you who find this blog entertaining or as a means of making sure I'm alive... I apologize. I will try to be better.. the last five months have been a crazy roller coaster. I have been avoiding writing in here cause its all a little too real and vulnerable. But I'm not sure I can just act like the last five months never happened... because all of the up and down was important, necessary and life. So... caution, high level of vulnerability to follow...
Reverse culture shock is a real thing. Healing is also a real thing and I'm sure there is some saying about how it doesn't come easy.. that is the most real of all the things and what I learned for three months after coming back to the states. I kinda felt like I got pumbled by 100 crashing waves and had a really hard three months. I'm not one to say that or to let myself have three hard months but one day I walked into class and Margot looked at me worried and said "Michelle... are you ok" My heart was hurting for so many reasons and the world seemed a little less bright. But I needed Margot to tell me she saw that in my eyes.. I needed to realize that my heart was hurting so that I could find ways to give my heart the love and support it needed in a time that it really hurt. Sometimes I like to think I'm more fine than I actually am or that I can do it all on my own. And sometimes you have to hurt bad to realize you need people, light, support in your life. I shed my fair share of tears and had a rocky couple of months. And then I started to reach out to the world looking for some love and support. In a response to frantic "I feel like my life is falling apart and I need someone to listen" email Kylie said "Your life is going to be brilliant" something that I really really needed to hear. And two months later... my life feels pretty brilliant again, crazy how those things work isn't it.
A lot a lot of goodness has come into my life since I called my best friend from the rose gardens balling, lost, and wanting some sort of comfort I couldn't seem to find. It started with an email about applying for Search crew. I applied feeling like I had to do something with myself and two weeks ago led the retreat, wrote and gave a talk, and cried happy tears listening to the talk on community, feeling like I had found community once again. 15 of 26 of us who were in El Salvador together were here in Santa Clara over Easter and I was reminded of the me I was in El Salvador. Full of life and love to give and just so excited about the world. It hurt noticing how different I felt but I also needed to see it.. I needed to know that was in me. I went on a silent retreat the next weekend and for the first time in three months finally just stopped, checked in with myself and thought about what it is I really want out of this life. Who am I really and what the last few months were missing, leaving me hurting and low on hope. Again I was reminded to ask for help. And I was reminded of something else important that although I don't have all figured out... does something for me. I was reminded to have faith. I'm not sure what in.. but just that things work out. I know it sounds silly but I actually forgot that for a while. I wasn't sure my life was going to be brilliant or I was gonna ever experience as much love, honesty, community and happiness as I did in El Salvador. I wasn't sure my wounds would ever heal and I just couldn't really see the light. I needed Kylie to tell me my life would be brilliant and I needed to stop and get out of my head and realize life just works out... in the craziest of ways. The retreat gave me a chance to believe that something good would come out of my life. The theme was "growing in faith" and we talked about the seasons of our hearts. Mine was in a bit of a super snowy winter but I came home and as spring was blooming outside of me I said to a friend.. I feel like things are blooming inside.. I think goodness is coming. And a lot of good came.
Since I hit an all time low and then slowly was pulled back to real life I have made amazing new friendships, been accepted to positions that I feel incredibly passionate about, gotten excited about my classes all over again and had weekend after weekend of so much joy, love and newness. I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Basically life is a roller coaster and its so hard to remember that it all works out when it hurts the most. But I can always see it a lot more clearly when I look back on it. I'm pretty amazed at the way things feel now.
Junior year ends in three weeks. I'm feeling the effects of El Salvador in positive and real ways finally, ways that aren't just "man my heart hurts I wanna be back" but actually seeing how it changed me and is a part of the human becoming I will always be. I feel really really thankful for the people in my life... both those who were there though all of it and some who have come into my life just when I needed them to and helped me to see the beauty in life again. And the most basic goodness of it all. I am really excited about all life has to offer me. I am leaving for Paraguay in three weeks and although I'm nervous I am also really excited. Its going to be so new and different but its going to be another experience of loving and learning and growing. I'm excited for the weeks before and after that. I'm excited to go home in the end of August after 9 months away which is just too long to be without my best friends and my mama. And I just know that this life is good again.
So... maybe now that I got this weird awkward in between post out of the way I can actually start to blog normally again. Especially since I'll be in Paraguay and have new exciting things to talk about again. But also because there are a lot of new and exciting things in my everyday it seems. I'm sorry if this is too much.. or something. I feel weird posting it but I also know its ok. Because we are all human. Thanks Kylie for telling me my life will be brilliant and for reminding me that my blogging is of interest to someone. And thanks to all the rest of you for being love and support in my life. I am a lucky woman.
Reverse culture shock is a real thing. Healing is also a real thing and I'm sure there is some saying about how it doesn't come easy.. that is the most real of all the things and what I learned for three months after coming back to the states. I kinda felt like I got pumbled by 100 crashing waves and had a really hard three months. I'm not one to say that or to let myself have three hard months but one day I walked into class and Margot looked at me worried and said "Michelle... are you ok" My heart was hurting for so many reasons and the world seemed a little less bright. But I needed Margot to tell me she saw that in my eyes.. I needed to realize that my heart was hurting so that I could find ways to give my heart the love and support it needed in a time that it really hurt. Sometimes I like to think I'm more fine than I actually am or that I can do it all on my own. And sometimes you have to hurt bad to realize you need people, light, support in your life. I shed my fair share of tears and had a rocky couple of months. And then I started to reach out to the world looking for some love and support. In a response to frantic "I feel like my life is falling apart and I need someone to listen" email Kylie said "Your life is going to be brilliant" something that I really really needed to hear. And two months later... my life feels pretty brilliant again, crazy how those things work isn't it.
A lot a lot of goodness has come into my life since I called my best friend from the rose gardens balling, lost, and wanting some sort of comfort I couldn't seem to find. It started with an email about applying for Search crew. I applied feeling like I had to do something with myself and two weeks ago led the retreat, wrote and gave a talk, and cried happy tears listening to the talk on community, feeling like I had found community once again. 15 of 26 of us who were in El Salvador together were here in Santa Clara over Easter and I was reminded of the me I was in El Salvador. Full of life and love to give and just so excited about the world. It hurt noticing how different I felt but I also needed to see it.. I needed to know that was in me. I went on a silent retreat the next weekend and for the first time in three months finally just stopped, checked in with myself and thought about what it is I really want out of this life. Who am I really and what the last few months were missing, leaving me hurting and low on hope. Again I was reminded to ask for help. And I was reminded of something else important that although I don't have all figured out... does something for me. I was reminded to have faith. I'm not sure what in.. but just that things work out. I know it sounds silly but I actually forgot that for a while. I wasn't sure my life was going to be brilliant or I was gonna ever experience as much love, honesty, community and happiness as I did in El Salvador. I wasn't sure my wounds would ever heal and I just couldn't really see the light. I needed Kylie to tell me my life would be brilliant and I needed to stop and get out of my head and realize life just works out... in the craziest of ways. The retreat gave me a chance to believe that something good would come out of my life. The theme was "growing in faith" and we talked about the seasons of our hearts. Mine was in a bit of a super snowy winter but I came home and as spring was blooming outside of me I said to a friend.. I feel like things are blooming inside.. I think goodness is coming. And a lot of good came.
Since I hit an all time low and then slowly was pulled back to real life I have made amazing new friendships, been accepted to positions that I feel incredibly passionate about, gotten excited about my classes all over again and had weekend after weekend of so much joy, love and newness. I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Basically life is a roller coaster and its so hard to remember that it all works out when it hurts the most. But I can always see it a lot more clearly when I look back on it. I'm pretty amazed at the way things feel now.
Junior year ends in three weeks. I'm feeling the effects of El Salvador in positive and real ways finally, ways that aren't just "man my heart hurts I wanna be back" but actually seeing how it changed me and is a part of the human becoming I will always be. I feel really really thankful for the people in my life... both those who were there though all of it and some who have come into my life just when I needed them to and helped me to see the beauty in life again. And the most basic goodness of it all. I am really excited about all life has to offer me. I am leaving for Paraguay in three weeks and although I'm nervous I am also really excited. Its going to be so new and different but its going to be another experience of loving and learning and growing. I'm excited for the weeks before and after that. I'm excited to go home in the end of August after 9 months away which is just too long to be without my best friends and my mama. And I just know that this life is good again.
So... maybe now that I got this weird awkward in between post out of the way I can actually start to blog normally again. Especially since I'll be in Paraguay and have new exciting things to talk about again. But also because there are a lot of new and exciting things in my everyday it seems. I'm sorry if this is too much.. or something. I feel weird posting it but I also know its ok. Because we are all human. Thanks Kylie for telling me my life will be brilliant and for reminding me that my blogging is of interest to someone. And thanks to all the rest of you for being love and support in my life. I am a lucky woman.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Trust
Oh hey world... I just spent the weekend Casa style. So.. Im inspired.. and back with words. Funny how that works.
This life is a funny one. It is a serious up and down struggle this transition thing. Trying to figure out what exactly it is Im doing here, what my priorities are or should be, how to keep myself balanced and full like I felt all the time in El Salvador and with who and what to invest my time. Its funny because a year ago (and the rest of the two years pre Casa at SCU) I was head over heels. Any of you who have read this blog for a while know... this place was my oasis and I was so excited about everything about it.
So I keep asking myself and others ask me... what changed, why is it such a challenge now. I think it starts with the basic answer... leaving a place for four months and coming back expecting it to be the same it was before just isnt realistic. Things and people change, and when you arent there to change with them, some space is created between you, not good or bad just space. Then there is the whole idea of what Casa did to us. I have been talking talking talking Casa the past few days.. and while for those who werent there might go crazy hearing about it, its really important for me to able to talk about and process it. So doing it with people who are on the same page is just really meaningful and helpful. Anyways.. Casa allowed us/forced us/helped us... whatever you want to say, to get closer and closer to our truest selves. Our time was carved out so differently, reflecting, questioning, listening, healing and learning were our main priorities, and we were in it with 25+ other people to support and challenge us. There is just not that kind of time to be with each other and reflect in the real world. Also, we were surrounded by a new reality. This weekend has reminded me that just being out of your routine can be extremely inspiring, challenging and refreshing. For four months we were put into a completely new life... seeing challenges and priorities that many of us had never experienced before. We were like little kids, running around excited and intrigued by all the newness, and again sharing it with each other.
In short... everything was perfectly matched up to give us space to reflect, learn, grow and go really really deep... together.
I miss that everyday. I miss the genuinity of it. The pain and hope, sadness and happiness, the rollercoaster of emotions that made up everyday. I miss being surrounded by a group of people that know me so well and have heard by deepest pains and joys.. just because we had the time to do that. The people that were with me in El Salvador (although absolutely out of this world) were not super human or for some reason especially different than the rest of the world.. the setting was just really really perfect. And I would be full of myself if I said it was all easy and peachy. We cried a lot and hurt a lot. We were really confused, tired, stressed, lost and sometimes sick of being together every minute. But there was so much good and growth in it, that the pain and confusion somehow made sense.
So... in my rambling, I guess the point is... things that happened in El Salvador are possible with the rest of the world. And I am trying to hold onto a trust in myself, the people around me, humanity and the universe that the fulfillment, depth and whatever it is that we found in El Salvador, exists outside of it too. And after experiencing that.. I have a responsibility to look for it, bring out and share it with the rest of the world. I cant just keep settling for the way things are here, and just expecting it to be meh... cause it wasnt meh for the years before I went to El Salvador and it doesnt have to be now. I just might have to try a little harder, put myself out there a little more and create it. Cause it is so possible. And if there is anything the Salvadorans taught me.. they taught me that some basic inherent thing in this world is good and we must hold onto that, trust in its ability and work with it, to get to a place of fulfillment and happiness for ourselves and people all over the world.
Sigh... I dont know if any of that makes sense. But... Yoli and I stood overlooking the ocean today talking about trust. And Im trying to get it back. Because the last couple months Ive been a little unsure, felt a little paralyzed and have been going through the motions with cruise control on and my heart off a little too much. I have tears in my eyes writing this.. I have tears in my eyes a lot lately. Both from being scared and inspired by this world. El Salvador ruined me for life... changed me forever, and I just am trying to figure out how to keep carrying it. And I wish it was easy and everything was peachy, but its really not. But weekends like this, and the little things that have been really great about being back, and hope in this world.. are good reminders.
I wish this was more eloquent, I wish all of my thoughts came out more accurately to how they sound in my head. But... this is a start (Im slightly out of practice at this blogging thing... oops) Point is... this transition is hard but the world is good and its time for me to turn my heart on and my cruise control off.. its time for me to invest and search out meaningful and deep conversations and relationships. Its time for me to give this world a bit more of a chance, cause the 12 of us in Casa Romero last semester, and 26 in our program will not be back there all together... so wishing I was there just isnt gonna make anything happen. I know that this transition isnt and never was supposed to get better overnight.. but I hope I can hold onto the inspiration that this weekend has been.
Two more random things..
I watched The Help last night and cried, laughed and everything in between. If you havent seen it GO WATCH IT.. NOW.. its all about the suffering and hope as one in this world... from before we were even thought of it. And remember "You is kind, you is smaaart and you is important"
Also.. Im applying for all these summer fellowships options lately. And its exciting, and has me inspired and seeing some real potential for my future (sometimes Im afriad Ill be living in a box on the street). Everytime I finish a different application I think that I really want that fellowship the most so its going to be a hard decision, but there are a lot of exciting opportunities in the workds.
Thanks for listening to my rambling. Happy Presidents Day. <3
This life is a funny one. It is a serious up and down struggle this transition thing. Trying to figure out what exactly it is Im doing here, what my priorities are or should be, how to keep myself balanced and full like I felt all the time in El Salvador and with who and what to invest my time. Its funny because a year ago (and the rest of the two years pre Casa at SCU) I was head over heels. Any of you who have read this blog for a while know... this place was my oasis and I was so excited about everything about it.
So I keep asking myself and others ask me... what changed, why is it such a challenge now. I think it starts with the basic answer... leaving a place for four months and coming back expecting it to be the same it was before just isnt realistic. Things and people change, and when you arent there to change with them, some space is created between you, not good or bad just space. Then there is the whole idea of what Casa did to us. I have been talking talking talking Casa the past few days.. and while for those who werent there might go crazy hearing about it, its really important for me to able to talk about and process it. So doing it with people who are on the same page is just really meaningful and helpful. Anyways.. Casa allowed us/forced us/helped us... whatever you want to say, to get closer and closer to our truest selves. Our time was carved out so differently, reflecting, questioning, listening, healing and learning were our main priorities, and we were in it with 25+ other people to support and challenge us. There is just not that kind of time to be with each other and reflect in the real world. Also, we were surrounded by a new reality. This weekend has reminded me that just being out of your routine can be extremely inspiring, challenging and refreshing. For four months we were put into a completely new life... seeing challenges and priorities that many of us had never experienced before. We were like little kids, running around excited and intrigued by all the newness, and again sharing it with each other.
In short... everything was perfectly matched up to give us space to reflect, learn, grow and go really really deep... together.
I miss that everyday. I miss the genuinity of it. The pain and hope, sadness and happiness, the rollercoaster of emotions that made up everyday. I miss being surrounded by a group of people that know me so well and have heard by deepest pains and joys.. just because we had the time to do that. The people that were with me in El Salvador (although absolutely out of this world) were not super human or for some reason especially different than the rest of the world.. the setting was just really really perfect. And I would be full of myself if I said it was all easy and peachy. We cried a lot and hurt a lot. We were really confused, tired, stressed, lost and sometimes sick of being together every minute. But there was so much good and growth in it, that the pain and confusion somehow made sense.
So... in my rambling, I guess the point is... things that happened in El Salvador are possible with the rest of the world. And I am trying to hold onto a trust in myself, the people around me, humanity and the universe that the fulfillment, depth and whatever it is that we found in El Salvador, exists outside of it too. And after experiencing that.. I have a responsibility to look for it, bring out and share it with the rest of the world. I cant just keep settling for the way things are here, and just expecting it to be meh... cause it wasnt meh for the years before I went to El Salvador and it doesnt have to be now. I just might have to try a little harder, put myself out there a little more and create it. Cause it is so possible. And if there is anything the Salvadorans taught me.. they taught me that some basic inherent thing in this world is good and we must hold onto that, trust in its ability and work with it, to get to a place of fulfillment and happiness for ourselves and people all over the world.
Sigh... I dont know if any of that makes sense. But... Yoli and I stood overlooking the ocean today talking about trust. And Im trying to get it back. Because the last couple months Ive been a little unsure, felt a little paralyzed and have been going through the motions with cruise control on and my heart off a little too much. I have tears in my eyes writing this.. I have tears in my eyes a lot lately. Both from being scared and inspired by this world. El Salvador ruined me for life... changed me forever, and I just am trying to figure out how to keep carrying it. And I wish it was easy and everything was peachy, but its really not. But weekends like this, and the little things that have been really great about being back, and hope in this world.. are good reminders.
I wish this was more eloquent, I wish all of my thoughts came out more accurately to how they sound in my head. But... this is a start (Im slightly out of practice at this blogging thing... oops) Point is... this transition is hard but the world is good and its time for me to turn my heart on and my cruise control off.. its time for me to invest and search out meaningful and deep conversations and relationships. Its time for me to give this world a bit more of a chance, cause the 12 of us in Casa Romero last semester, and 26 in our program will not be back there all together... so wishing I was there just isnt gonna make anything happen. I know that this transition isnt and never was supposed to get better overnight.. but I hope I can hold onto the inspiration that this weekend has been.
Two more random things..
I watched The Help last night and cried, laughed and everything in between. If you havent seen it GO WATCH IT.. NOW.. its all about the suffering and hope as one in this world... from before we were even thought of it. And remember "You is kind, you is smaaart and you is important"
Also.. Im applying for all these summer fellowships options lately. And its exciting, and has me inspired and seeing some real potential for my future (sometimes Im afriad Ill be living in a box on the street). Everytime I finish a different application I think that I really want that fellowship the most so its going to be a hard decision, but there are a lot of exciting opportunities in the workds.
Thanks for listening to my rambling. Happy Presidents Day. <3
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Grateful for the miracle that is every moment
Im drinking hot chocolate out of my "Aint Nothin Gonna Break My Stride" mug that Mindy got me for graduation. Dude.. it just has so much meaning.
It was one of those days. And sometimes I think, its really just one of those lives.. in the most beautiful of ways. You just gotta keep truckin through it all.
I dont know if Im supposed to write in this blog anymore. I feel weird not writing about Chris and Santos and Reina, and not having everyday rock my world to the point that I know no other option than to write and share and let the world into that adventure. I dont know what Im supposed to write about. And I know Im not supposed to write about anything, Im just supposed to let it flow and put my thoughts on this screen and you all can do with it what you will.
Im trying to figure out how to live in this world. And I am surrounded by so much love. This morning I woke up to two emails showering me in love from two oh so very special people. My dear Diana whose presence I miss so dearly at SCU and my second mama Betsy who I also miss so much. They started my day out with such grace, let me step a little lighter and feel a little more of that groundedness in love that I knew and loved so much in the last weeks in El Salvador.
But living in this world is up and down. Some moments I feel completely able and ready to take on the world. And others I feel a little empty and a little overwhelmed. Today, the combination of feeling a little anxious and dearest Juancito's continued wisdom I stopped and looked at that feeling. This lifestyle is so fast and busy and competitive. And in El Salvador we were just being. It was busy but it was busy with learning about ourselves and the world, listening and sharing stories and just learning to love. Here is is busy with finding jobs, doing homework, studying for tests, searching for internships, and sometimes I just feel like Im constantly running to catch up. It feels like a lot of pressure and trying to be the best and work the hardest and make enough money and have enough free time and exercise enough. When really.. just being here in this life is enough.
I am so privileged to be peer educating in life writing, the class that was so very healing for me while I was in El Salvador. I have a familia of students who I get to create and a hold a space for writing, healing and sharing, and I get to continue the process with them, even if they might not know that. And while we were meditating to start out the class I looked at that anxious feeling and thought about my familia writing and sharing their most difficult moments. And I realized that all of that catching up and running and being enough.. it doesnt really matter, especially if I can stay grounded in what does matter. And what does matter is their difficult and joyful moments, is where our hearts are, good friendships, quality conversations, learning and staying grounded. The same things that were so easy to matter in El Salvador, must be made a priority here everyday, cause its too easy to get caught up and knocked down by all the trying to be enough or be the best and all the chaos of running to catch up.
I dont know where this is going. But I am grateful. Grateful for the immense amount of love that is in my life. Grateful for the chance to feel overwhelmed and for the millions of opportunities that are swirling around in my head. I am grateful for old friendships and new owns. For Casa citas through skype and the phone and the life that they bring me. The wisdom and love that flows so freely from my Romero family and has taught me how to love. For the most amazing friends here who are secretly planning something for my birthday that I know will be wonderful. For Casa and bringing to me a place that this reality is hard in a different way and for its teaching me to know what keeps me grounded and what should be a priority. And what it feels like to live in that groundedness of love and peace and fulfillment... and what it doesnt feel like and ways to get back there.
I am so grateful. For the miracle that is figuring out the ups and downs of this life. And continuing to stride. And having that experience so close to my heart.
And for remembering that "You are the sky, everything else, its just weather"
It was one of those days. And sometimes I think, its really just one of those lives.. in the most beautiful of ways. You just gotta keep truckin through it all.
I dont know if Im supposed to write in this blog anymore. I feel weird not writing about Chris and Santos and Reina, and not having everyday rock my world to the point that I know no other option than to write and share and let the world into that adventure. I dont know what Im supposed to write about. And I know Im not supposed to write about anything, Im just supposed to let it flow and put my thoughts on this screen and you all can do with it what you will.
Im trying to figure out how to live in this world. And I am surrounded by so much love. This morning I woke up to two emails showering me in love from two oh so very special people. My dear Diana whose presence I miss so dearly at SCU and my second mama Betsy who I also miss so much. They started my day out with such grace, let me step a little lighter and feel a little more of that groundedness in love that I knew and loved so much in the last weeks in El Salvador.
But living in this world is up and down. Some moments I feel completely able and ready to take on the world. And others I feel a little empty and a little overwhelmed. Today, the combination of feeling a little anxious and dearest Juancito's continued wisdom I stopped and looked at that feeling. This lifestyle is so fast and busy and competitive. And in El Salvador we were just being. It was busy but it was busy with learning about ourselves and the world, listening and sharing stories and just learning to love. Here is is busy with finding jobs, doing homework, studying for tests, searching for internships, and sometimes I just feel like Im constantly running to catch up. It feels like a lot of pressure and trying to be the best and work the hardest and make enough money and have enough free time and exercise enough. When really.. just being here in this life is enough.
I am so privileged to be peer educating in life writing, the class that was so very healing for me while I was in El Salvador. I have a familia of students who I get to create and a hold a space for writing, healing and sharing, and I get to continue the process with them, even if they might not know that. And while we were meditating to start out the class I looked at that anxious feeling and thought about my familia writing and sharing their most difficult moments. And I realized that all of that catching up and running and being enough.. it doesnt really matter, especially if I can stay grounded in what does matter. And what does matter is their difficult and joyful moments, is where our hearts are, good friendships, quality conversations, learning and staying grounded. The same things that were so easy to matter in El Salvador, must be made a priority here everyday, cause its too easy to get caught up and knocked down by all the trying to be enough or be the best and all the chaos of running to catch up.
I dont know where this is going. But I am grateful. Grateful for the immense amount of love that is in my life. Grateful for the chance to feel overwhelmed and for the millions of opportunities that are swirling around in my head. I am grateful for old friendships and new owns. For Casa citas through skype and the phone and the life that they bring me. The wisdom and love that flows so freely from my Romero family and has taught me how to love. For the most amazing friends here who are secretly planning something for my birthday that I know will be wonderful. For Casa and bringing to me a place that this reality is hard in a different way and for its teaching me to know what keeps me grounded and what should be a priority. And what it feels like to live in that groundedness of love and peace and fulfillment... and what it doesnt feel like and ways to get back there.
I am so grateful. For the miracle that is figuring out the ups and downs of this life. And continuing to stride. And having that experience so close to my heart.
And for remembering that "You are the sky, everything else, its just weather"
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
So... what now
Im home... a week ago I was getting on a plane leaving the country that stole my heart with tears in my eyes.. full of so much love and life and equally exhausted.
Now Im sitting on my couch with the flu watching every video I can possibly find that is Casa related with tears in my eyes. Oh how I miss it.
So what do I do with these past 4 months now? When the few people who are brave enough to ask, I dont even know where to start. Do I talk about the women of Cedro that rocked my world, the kiddos and their beautiful little brown eyes, the pain, struggle, poverty that is so livable because of their faith and optimism. Or the war, the martyrs, the horrible ways that the U.S. was involved.. and the horrible ways we continue to oppress the people of El Salvador and so many other countries around the world? Or do I talk about Casa Romero and the love, support, healing, learning and growth that happened within that sweet little house. There is just so much that Im not even sure Ive processed myself yet, let alone am able to regurgitate in a somewhat nicely wrapped package. I want so badly to share.. but right now I havent figured out the trick yet.
Being home is interesting. Partly cause Ive been sick, partly cause its Leadville and there arent many other options without a car and partly because Im feeling extremely apathetic I have barely left this house. I finally got to see the Leadville crew and it was so great to see them.. but I would be lying if I said I was completely present and not thinking about Salvador so much. I dont know how to bring this home yet, how to live it in this context. It was really easy to live it there.. to love so hard, to recieve love, to be aware of the reality and to never loose perspective. And I know the point of it all is the challenge of bringing it home, but I havent figured out how to live it without Casa Romero, without 25 other students around me to help me be better. Without Cedro twice a week to fill me with love and remind me whats important in this world. And I know it...like everyone says.. you cant not know what you now know. So what is it that I know.. I know that the commercials drive me crazy, I cant understand why anyone would ever need the ridiculously expensive things that they are trying to convince us we need, I know that when I go searching for more blankets cause Im sick, I think of the families during the rain having no way to get more blankets, I know that I have no desire to go shopping, that I am trying to figure out where I will ever buy clothes again knowing how unjust the factories are. I know all the stuff in my room and this house seems absolutely rediculous.
I also know something new about love and being human and having hope... but Im not sure where those feelings are right now.
So I decided I would find them in all things El Salvador. So I watched Father Mark talk about the Martyrs, and Quentins video about Dean and Claire's video shes been showing people at home.
And I felt those things again.. I cried seeing faces that I love so much, and already miss more than I knew was possible. I cried at the reminder of the life that they gave me.
And to see Father Mark talk about El Salvador with so much poise and grace outside of the Casa context.. he showed me its possible, and its ok to use these words. He talked about how the Salvadorans humanize the martyrs.. and oh how they humanize everyone. They so taught me what it means to be human.. without any possessions and pride and all the messy stuff that gets in the way. Just in life.. of pain and struggle but also of joy and so much hope. They taught me to keep going, to keep loving, and to share in this life. He showed Lupita talking, one of our cooks, and filled me with her love and wisdom just through that one little video clip. And talked about the vigil... and took me back to that whole body peace I felt that night.. that somehow this all makes sense.. and all we can do is keep loving, thats really what they taught me. Then he showed a students praxis project from a few years back... the project is to the song Hallelujah and shows through the eyes of her site, the Salvadorans, the Casa students that it really is "It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah"And that is so what they taught us.. this life is so many things.. it hurts and it throws you around and it doesnt make sense.. but in so many ways in makes a lot of sense and is so full of grace and life.
And I needed that reminder. I needed to feel that. And I need to know that is true here too.. and that this life even though it seems a little slower, a little less inspiring than the Salvadorans.. is so full of grace, beauty, love and life. And I need to embrace it. I need to stop being so apathetic and bored and find the things that make me feel.. starting with those videos.. but really the things that are right here. The friends and the beauty and life that is so here.. and that I have to stop minimizing. So I need to find the balance.. of being in touch with El Salvador.. and letting it stay alive in me, and using the reminders I need, but also embracing that I am here now, and just as we were taught to be present there, I have to be present here because life cannot stop after El Salvador. I will continue missing it, cause these last 4 months were the best of my entire life, but I have to hold it in me, for Santos and little Christopher, for Kenya and Lidia and Tomas and so many names I could list that gave me life, so I have to keep finding life.
Heres to the challenges of reverse culture shock, of reentry, of trying to figure it out. To knowing new things, and to holding onto those, no matter the context.
<3
P.S. Here is the link to the video on the martryrs.. SO worth watching to get another glimpse into El Salvador
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8miciR0MrI&feature=youtu.be
Now Im sitting on my couch with the flu watching every video I can possibly find that is Casa related with tears in my eyes. Oh how I miss it.
So what do I do with these past 4 months now? When the few people who are brave enough to ask, I dont even know where to start. Do I talk about the women of Cedro that rocked my world, the kiddos and their beautiful little brown eyes, the pain, struggle, poverty that is so livable because of their faith and optimism. Or the war, the martyrs, the horrible ways that the U.S. was involved.. and the horrible ways we continue to oppress the people of El Salvador and so many other countries around the world? Or do I talk about Casa Romero and the love, support, healing, learning and growth that happened within that sweet little house. There is just so much that Im not even sure Ive processed myself yet, let alone am able to regurgitate in a somewhat nicely wrapped package. I want so badly to share.. but right now I havent figured out the trick yet.
Being home is interesting. Partly cause Ive been sick, partly cause its Leadville and there arent many other options without a car and partly because Im feeling extremely apathetic I have barely left this house. I finally got to see the Leadville crew and it was so great to see them.. but I would be lying if I said I was completely present and not thinking about Salvador so much. I dont know how to bring this home yet, how to live it in this context. It was really easy to live it there.. to love so hard, to recieve love, to be aware of the reality and to never loose perspective. And I know the point of it all is the challenge of bringing it home, but I havent figured out how to live it without Casa Romero, without 25 other students around me to help me be better. Without Cedro twice a week to fill me with love and remind me whats important in this world. And I know it...like everyone says.. you cant not know what you now know. So what is it that I know.. I know that the commercials drive me crazy, I cant understand why anyone would ever need the ridiculously expensive things that they are trying to convince us we need, I know that when I go searching for more blankets cause Im sick, I think of the families during the rain having no way to get more blankets, I know that I have no desire to go shopping, that I am trying to figure out where I will ever buy clothes again knowing how unjust the factories are. I know all the stuff in my room and this house seems absolutely rediculous.
I also know something new about love and being human and having hope... but Im not sure where those feelings are right now.
So I decided I would find them in all things El Salvador. So I watched Father Mark talk about the Martyrs, and Quentins video about Dean and Claire's video shes been showing people at home.
And I felt those things again.. I cried seeing faces that I love so much, and already miss more than I knew was possible. I cried at the reminder of the life that they gave me.
And to see Father Mark talk about El Salvador with so much poise and grace outside of the Casa context.. he showed me its possible, and its ok to use these words. He talked about how the Salvadorans humanize the martyrs.. and oh how they humanize everyone. They so taught me what it means to be human.. without any possessions and pride and all the messy stuff that gets in the way. Just in life.. of pain and struggle but also of joy and so much hope. They taught me to keep going, to keep loving, and to share in this life. He showed Lupita talking, one of our cooks, and filled me with her love and wisdom just through that one little video clip. And talked about the vigil... and took me back to that whole body peace I felt that night.. that somehow this all makes sense.. and all we can do is keep loving, thats really what they taught me. Then he showed a students praxis project from a few years back... the project is to the song Hallelujah and shows through the eyes of her site, the Salvadorans, the Casa students that it really is "It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah"And that is so what they taught us.. this life is so many things.. it hurts and it throws you around and it doesnt make sense.. but in so many ways in makes a lot of sense and is so full of grace and life.
And I needed that reminder. I needed to feel that. And I need to know that is true here too.. and that this life even though it seems a little slower, a little less inspiring than the Salvadorans.. is so full of grace, beauty, love and life. And I need to embrace it. I need to stop being so apathetic and bored and find the things that make me feel.. starting with those videos.. but really the things that are right here. The friends and the beauty and life that is so here.. and that I have to stop minimizing. So I need to find the balance.. of being in touch with El Salvador.. and letting it stay alive in me, and using the reminders I need, but also embracing that I am here now, and just as we were taught to be present there, I have to be present here because life cannot stop after El Salvador. I will continue missing it, cause these last 4 months were the best of my entire life, but I have to hold it in me, for Santos and little Christopher, for Kenya and Lidia and Tomas and so many names I could list that gave me life, so I have to keep finding life.
Heres to the challenges of reverse culture shock, of reentry, of trying to figure it out. To knowing new things, and to holding onto those, no matter the context.
<3
P.S. Here is the link to the video on the martryrs.. SO worth watching to get another glimpse into El Salvador
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8miciR0MrI&feature=youtu.be
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Whats the end gonna look like?
Im not sure if these words will come how I want them to... I just know that I never want to forget these moments, this feeling, this love.
I started packing today. Checking final project and papers off the list one by one. And our despidida (goodbye party) is tomorrow. Ouch
We have been closing up everything so beautifully. Sharing parts of our autobiographies to the flickering light of candles til 2 in the morning, affirming each other and yesterday a beautiful morning with our final projects for liberation theology. The feeling inside me is affirming all that has come from this experience..I feel strong, I feel whole, full of love but still raw and vulnerable.. with some walls pulled down, something I hope I can hold onto. There are parts of me that are excited to go home, to see all of you wonderful people, to lay in my bed for as long as I want and to just be in the comfort of home. But leaving has already started to hurt and I really dont know how to say goodbye to these people and this experience. I know it will forever be in my heart but I have been the most alive, so very loved and grown so much in the last four months its hard to think of life outside of here. But we are soaking it up and trying to take every minute for what it is...
Here is the ending of my autobiography just for a little glimpse into my heart :) See you soon!
I started packing today. Checking final project and papers off the list one by one. And our despidida (goodbye party) is tomorrow. Ouch
We have been closing up everything so beautifully. Sharing parts of our autobiographies to the flickering light of candles til 2 in the morning, affirming each other and yesterday a beautiful morning with our final projects for liberation theology. The feeling inside me is affirming all that has come from this experience..I feel strong, I feel whole, full of love but still raw and vulnerable.. with some walls pulled down, something I hope I can hold onto. There are parts of me that are excited to go home, to see all of you wonderful people, to lay in my bed for as long as I want and to just be in the comfort of home. But leaving has already started to hurt and I really dont know how to say goodbye to these people and this experience. I know it will forever be in my heart but I have been the most alive, so very loved and grown so much in the last four months its hard to think of life outside of here. But we are soaking it up and trying to take every minute for what it is...
Here is the ending of my autobiography just for a little glimpse into my heart :) See you soon!
“Whats the ending gonna look like?” This is the ending. Candles flickering, minutes on the clock tick by, but what is time anymore? What is sleep? Its two am on Saturday, I’ve been awake but one hour since six am Thursday. But I am running on something. Energy runs through my blood… part peaceful and full, part anxious and scared to be empty.
Finding myself in these sacred spaces again and again. Romero community night record, we sat in a circle with our hands touching the person being affirmed until 3:25am. One by one we made our way into the middle of the circle. Affirmations came free and genuinely, from a place deep inside, a love that has built over 4 months that sometimes feels like a life time. We were full and connected when the night came to its long end, this community has learned to love, to be vulnerable and to give so hard. I never want to let go.
I woke up after an hour of sleep. Put on my favorite skirt. Casi floor length, quilted with different patterns, colors, lines, life’s, together into something beautiful. Today I want to feel good. I am sleep deprived and I haven’t kept food down for four days, El Salvador does that to you. But I am alive and time is running out and I want to soak it all in. We hurry down to the UCA, that jittery groggy feeling when you don’t sleep enough leaves the busses and cars burling down the road more dangerous.
Peggy has talked about this project from the beginning. “Show us how you have been liberated” do something creative. “Michelle, you’re up” I felt the nerves, shakily introducing this poem, the way this experience has liberated me. I stood up there and listened to Peggy’s advice “Just breathe and speak loud” I stood in front of the class and spoke my soul, the pain, the confusion, the beauty. Becoming a woman through the models of my mother and now the mothers of Cedro. Becoming a woman through me. I felt strong, confident and whole in my being. Like I needed to say those words to empower myself.
Project after project blew me away, the incredible individuality of these amazing humans, the myriad of ways this experience has changed us, liberated us, given us a sense of life we have never felt before. Songs, mosaics, paintings, poems, raps and decorated mirrors, all these ways to express what we have found in El Salvador.
Margot made her way to the front of the room, sick and miserable but ready to speak her truth. “I wrote my first poem so bear with me” It seemed like a poem that had come from years and years of practice, beautiful, painful and full of truth. My eyes were full of water all morning, but her words gave the tears permission to fall. I came to El Salvador with a best friend I had only known for a year, someone who knew me better than anyone in the world and as she talked about her pain my heart broke and soared in the same moment. She talked about the pain with her dad, trying to figure out what suffering is and knowing only that we cant hold it in, we have to let it fly. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had no control over the tears that were falling from my eyes. Seeing her liberation made me see mine, I looked around the room at these people who have become family and felt a pain for their pain. It seemed to all hit me in that moment and more tears fall than I have allowed to fall this whole experience. They fall for my pain, for her pain and for all of your pain. They fall for this country, the fear we cannot ignore as we leave it behind, broken, violent, poor. They fall in joy and gratitude to come here and touch pain, to share pain, to love, to find life and to come to this moment. They fall in a fear to let go of this love and life that I have found here yet in an amazement of the liberation, strength and empowerment I have found in this place. They fall from a woman, not a little girl, who has touched your pain and can touch hers
Sunday, December 4, 2011
mujeres con fuerza y familia de amor
I wish I had the time, the energy, the emotional stability to write a blog post everyday. I wish I would have and I wish I could in the next 10 days.. but I guess if I had enough time for that I wouldn’t be being fulled to the brim with love and life and learning. So.. I have a few things.
First… women. Last Wednesday at Cedro I had a game changing day. I had three really special moments with three really beautiful, strong, incredible women that have taught me something I have been searching for. I cant quite say they gave me an answer but they sparked some sort of movement inside me. These women are the strongest I have ever known, not because they are outspoken or because they are the most “successful” or have the most knowledge.. but maybe that is why. Really its because they live through conditions that we could never imagine day after day after day and they don’t see a way out but they never let that stop them from trying to make their lives and their kids lives better. They are the most faithful human beings I know, never letting suffering have the last say in their lives. Still there is more, suffering does not paralyze them but it also is not pushed under the rug as something meaningless, weak or to be forgotten. They feel it, they share it and they grow from it. They take the shitty conditions they are born into and they keep on walking forward, keep on showing up, keep on loving unconditionally and keep on believing that they will survive. And for that reason they survive. Their tears have taught me so much, that tears and pain and suffering and sharing and being vulnerable… are so ok and so vital to this life and so parallel and one with joy. They have taught me that joy and love are also vital but that they come more naturally than I knew before, and that they are unending and important and so important to be shared. These women have empowered me to continue searching for the line between never letting my suffering stop me from wanting more and never forgetting or diminishing the importance of it. They have showed me how to feel, love, heal, sigue adelante, celebrate and live in this life that is so many things that we will never understand. And for them I am enternally grateful.
Next… I don’t think I have written much about the amazing family that has nurtured me for the past four months right here in my own home. I am surrounded my 12 people that listen, laugh, hurt and smile together through all the ups of downs of the world and each individual. We have watermelon rind food fights at the dinner table, do pranks at two in the morning, open our souls to each other, let each other cry, laugh harder than I ever have, carol, cuddle, listen and just live in the most wonderful way together. Tuesday night we went caroling to the other houses, Thursday for community night we shared about the joyful and painful moments, the people that this experience has enshrined in our hearts and the ways in which this experience has liberated us. We sat in pairs with candles, in hammocks staring at the stars and scattered around the house listening and reminiscing together about how absolutely vital this experience has been to our lives being fuller. We talked about being scared to go home, to leave this comfort and to let go of these people who have become the most amazing family. This experience is so much about them and I really do not have a clue what it will be like to live without them in ten days. But for those ten I will enjoy every single moment with them.
Third.. we went to the beach this weekend and I just need to say that I love the beach, the ocean, water, nature and really just life. Emily sat next to me today as we laid in the black sand and said “How is this my life” but actually this country is just absolutely beautiful, a different kind of beautiful than the many other beautiful places I have been blessed to have a part of my soul. The ocean is big and powerful but also so peaceful and so much fun. I could listen to the waves crash for hours and I could swim in them at any time of day and just be the happiest. I was raised as a water baby and I love it.. I thought of Michigan and freezing California beach trips and just soaked it up. Cause this was our last free weekend in El Salvador.
Next week we start our goodbyes. And oh is it going to hurt. When I think about it intellectually I know it is time to go home and take this experience into reality. I know that I am so excited to be there, to see my friends and be with my family and in the comforts of snow falling, tea, hot tubs, skiings, and then Santa Clara loving. But my heart cant quite intellectualize it as well and when I think of it with my heart it just breaks. I know I will be ok, I know there is so very much to look forward to, but this place has gotten into the depths of my soul. And I am going to miss it and these people so so very much.
So Im gonna keep saying it.. I will soak up the next ten days and carry them with me in my heart forever and ever. <3
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