Back in Boston. Back to the quick moving, alarms that go off to early, filling my brain with knowledge, sitting in classrooms overwhelmed with emotion and the joy of the community that has become home here. A friend talked about the sensation of leaving home and arriving at another home. Feels like the story of my life. When I landed in Boston I saw another BC Grad Student in the airport and it filled my heart, as I drove to my house knowing the way, recognizing buildings, memories in places we passed I felt a comfort that I didn't have last semester. A comfort of familiarity that still isn't the level of home in Colorado or the Bay but that reminds me of the ways this will continue to become home. The best thing about this place is the community we have built, thanks to the STM and its focus on community and the caliber of people it attracts who can talk about the biggest life questions and laugh til we cry, stay up too late and sometimes just let it all go.
I've wanted to write a million different blogs since I got back a week and a half ago and haven't been able to focus on one thing or find the time to sit down and let the words come together cause again my head is spinning with thoughts and questions and emotion, and again it doesn't quite feel like there is time to make sense of it all.
Every Thursday we have all school liturgy- it's usually mass, I sometimes struggle, often miss Santa Clara masses and Celebrations of the Word in San Ramon but always love the community that fill the pews next to me. Yesterday was the first I've been at since being back and it was an Ecumenical Prayer Service for Christian Unity. A woman presided and told the story of the woman at the well from a perspective of strength, curiosity and willingness to ask the hard questions to the people who see her as other. Seeing a woman up there, telling a story about the strength and independence of a woman moved me in a way that reminded me how always hearing a male voice doesn't move me. It was beautiful and painful and knocked me back into this world of trying to understand.. Why I am here? How do I fit in? What am I fighting for? And how much do I have in me to really fight when I could just go somewhere else where the progress I am so looking for has already been realized? One of my dearest friends sat next to me throughout the liturgy wiping tears away, asking the same questions, feeling that explosion of gratitude mixed with frustration that is most deeply felt not in the moments where we are surrounded by patriarchy and male voices but in the moments where a female voice surprises us, speaks to our hearts in a way a male voice often cannot. The response of so many incredible, strong, full hearted women was palpable in the air and that is what keeps me afloat here.
My theology classes this semester are Integrating Faith, Counseling & Services of Justice, Job and Suffering and Theological Anthropology of the Body. My month at home was a month of "I'm getting my MSW" with no mention of the other degree that takes up so much of my time, energy and heart- a Masters in Theology and Ministry. I haven't figured out how it all fits into me and still don't feel sure of articulating it to others. These classes, again, are exposing me to the problems AND the possibilities of this faith that has become some confusing part of me over the years. We are digging deep into the meaning of it all, looking at how it functions, the disparities between what we say and what we do and the ways we as ministers can use it for healing and liberation rather than oppression, control and judgment. It's hard to defend something I'm not totally sure of but Catholic Social Teaching, commentaries on suffering, ministry to the poor, hospitality and an unconditionally loving God who is not simply a white, man in the sky are values that have become part of who I am.
At the service yesterday students from different faith traditions poured water into the fountain, symbolizing the beauty of all of us coming together, then they presented objects symbolizing the gifts brought by each of these traditions. In a lot of my world even having a faith is something that boggles people's minds- that's the one part of this all I am sure of- there is something bigger than me out there. There is a resiliency, hope, strength, mystery in this world- especially amidst deep suffering that is bigger than humans, I found that in my own suffering and even stronger in the suffering of the Salvadoran people. The rest I am trying to make sense of. And I am trying to makes sense of all the different fonts of water that have been poured into me to make me Michelle- how they all come together into a fountain of life, strength, passion that is motivating me to be on this sometimes hopeless path of being honest about reality and committing myself to justice.
You can't fit a square peg into a round hole.. and maybe that's what's pulling me in ways that feel frustrating and leave me hopeless and up spinning at night. Maybe its not about figuring out how to fit into some mold that has been provided by the world to me. A mold of Catholic or not, committed to justice or not, living simply or not, consumerism or not, who I am in El Salvador or who I am in the US, suffering or joy. I KNOW this world is not black and white..my mom drilled that into my head years and years ago when she started to explain to me the pain she felt when people said "Everything happens for a reason or God only gives you what you can handle" after she lost her son. When I started trying to understand why on earth life had to be so hard for her when I knew it my heart of hearts she deserved none of it. I know that the pain caused by those black and white beliefs is part of the reason I'm here. Because when we understand that the gray is the only place we can really live, and each of our lives becomes a different shape that doesn't fit the triangle or the square or the circle- we have to work together to make sense of where we land, to hold each other up when nothing seems quite right. I want to walk with people in that. I want to love people when nothing make sense, look for comfort and hope when there isn't any, and take the pieces of all the different fonts of water that have poured into me and let them swirl together into something that doesn't make any sense.. but that's why its beautiful.
So this semester instead of trying to fit into some mold that has been held up for me by the world. There are so many- so many shapes different people seem to think are right. But I cant fit anyone else's shape- I have to be my own, find my own and create my own. I will take what I like and leave what I don't.. and continue looking for places and people that fill the empty spaces. But more importantly I will try to remember that that is ok- that is beautiful- that is what this world needs, because it's all too complex to be some simple make up of square, triangle and circle blocks dropped in a bin to all fit together.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Letting the Journey Unfold: A Reminder from the Fog
I sat on the bus
this morning looking out across the bay in search of the big red bridge… the
bridge I used to know as a symbol of San Francisco, that I played under when I
visited Jesse in 8th grade and then went to on crutches when I visited him Senior year of
high school. The bridge that I took visitors to during my time at Santa Clara,
went for runs by from Jesse and Kylies condo and then this summer drove back
and forth over again and again. That bridge screams home now, familiarity,
beauty and that amazing quick hop from city to wide open beautiful spaces. I
miss those wide open spaces. I wanted to post a picture of it as I flew away,
one of my oh too typical sappy statuses about leaving a place and the people I
love… and out the window all I could see was fog. The tears in my eyes,
butterflies in my stomach, dancing between the hurt of leaving and knowing I’m
leaving, going to a good place and cant get lost in my emotions all settled for
a minute.. settled into what the fog has been a symbol of these past few
months- the unknown, and trusting in that. A few months ago I stayed up all
night with my head spinning, popped up early to go for a run in search of some
sanity and on my regular run around the reservoir I couldn’t see a thing- just
fog. I could only see five feet in front of me, and that is exactly what I
needed. To stop looking forward, wondering, analyzing, agonizing and just be in
the what is here and now- knowing that what comes tomorrow and the rest of
forever is way more unknown than I let myself believe.
And this morning- I needed that reminder. I had a dreamy week
in the Bay. I absolutely love it there. I felt relaxed, grounded, thoughtful,
inspired, surrounded by love, held, at home and whole. Sunday night mass at
Santa Clara felt nourishing instead of just challenging, time with friends that
are so comfortable I could completely relax, time outside in the sunshine and
open spaces where my bones weren’t frigid and I wasn’t surrounded by people and
buildings and lots of really really special time with my family- my little
tribe who I really want my whole life to be about. Cooper and I took walks,
rolled around on the floor, stayed in our pajamas too late, giggled, cuddled
and got right back into spending hours together. And this morning when Jesse
walked him into his room for his nap my eyes filled with tears- tears I had no
control over. I spent a lot of my life having so much control over my emotions-
that those overwhelming moments of ouch sometimes catch me by surprise, but I’m
also thankful for them. I love that little guy a whole lot- a special kind of love
that I can only imagine will multiply so much when it is my own child- but that
blood bond is extra special. Its hard to be far away from him, know that he
will keep growing so much and I will pop in and out every six months. But this
time there also reminded me that our bond is cemented in and it doesn’t take
long for him to refamiliarize with me, and lean his head against me when
someone he doesn’t know walks in. He knows I’m safe and everything about him-
his giggle, his smirk, his waddle, babbling, stubbornness, snuggles and
sweetness, fill my heart with joy.
And being on the
other side of the country from him, Jesse and Kylie, so many wonderful friends and
a place that feels like home is not my favorite thing. But it’s the way it is
right now- for good reason, for a good place, for something that I care about.
It doesn’t feel 100% right there yet. And I spent a lot of this break trying to
make sense of that- what’s missing? How much of it is it just being a new
place? Being in grad school? Being 23 and trying to figure out who I am? I’m
going back to a place I know, friends who know me, a routine, a home, so much
familiar goodness- and to a semester that is full of surprises. I have no idea
what is going to come out of these next four months, and next two and a half
years. And while I gather reminders of what it is I need to make a place feel
like home, I also am asking again and again for patience and trust in letting
Boston and this time be whatever it’s supposed to be.
I’m excited to
go back to my wonderful little home, my sweet Sophia sisters, the amazing group
of friends we’ve found. To classes that stretch me. To a sense of purpose,
potential, growth and the feeling of learning, stretching my heart and brain
that is so electrifying. I’m grateful to get back to my space, my routine, a
new job working with homeless women that will inspire me and connect me to
reality, yoga classes, reservoir runs, a city that still has so much to be
explored and so many things I can not yet see. Talking to Ella in the airport
we talked about advice someone gave her to just be- not analyze, not question,
just be- for one month. And I think that’s really good advice- that is easier
said than done. This is a super privileged time- and while I want to keep
finding ways to fill in the gaps, I also want to let it unfold, and let myself
settle in.
As I walk into
my second semester of Grad School I bring an awareness of some missing pieces,
a need to nourish my soul in light hearted ways more, a pang of missing what is
familiar. I am in touch with how lucky I am to be here- in a new place,
learning so much, letting life unfold as it does. And I will keep remembering
the fog- trusting in the unknown, and being patient as I find what is waiting
for me along the journey.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Reveling in What is Awe-some in 2015
I spent New Years Eve day with my sweet little cousin Mekenna and my aunt Joan. She's 15 and we have the most honest conversations about growing up, love, life, dreams, fears- its a special relationship. I fell asleep to her reading buzz feed after joking with her that Buzz Feed is polluting her brain. I mean really- how many lists of "10 ways to find love" "50 things to do before your 30" "100 things to learn in your 20's" can we read- and what are we actually getting out of them? The internet is an interesting place- such quick access to information and thought sharing can be enlightening and inspiring. But I also think all these buzzfeed lists can almost be anxiety provoking- who are we supposed to be at this moment in our life and what do we have to figure out in the next x amount of years to fit in in this world. Do we really need more fear of not being on the same page or fitting in in the world? Especially for 15 year old girls, and 23 year olds too. One of these lists we read together is "25 Unnecessary Attachments Carefree People Don't Have". Of course we all want to be care free- isn't that the dream? Some of the advice was good.. but the concept- I'm not sure about. When one of my students was leaving El Salvador I reminded her "have a care" and have been on a journey of caring about this deeply broken world and the people around me without being paralyzed for years now. But that extreme also doesn't seem to be working for me.
One of the "unnecessary attachments" is nostalgia. And that has stuck with me since I read it the semi insightful article about things to let go of. I have always been excessively nostalgic. I love change, I love new, I love adventures but I also hold onto memories of the past and goodness in the present pretty tight- struggling to let go, missing constantly and always remembering. Sometimes it definitely gets in the way of the present, but not always- its given me an ability to understand my story, see where I've come from and who has shaped me which gives me insight into where I am going. I'm in the Bay right now spending my days cuddling with Coop, playing at the park and seeing friends at night. We celebrated Cooper's first birthday on Sunday and I remembered the emotional roller coaster that was this time last year, a hard goodbye followed by the most special hello to our little man. Then I went to Santa Clara for Sunday night mass and lots of good time with my Casa crew and people who have formed me at Santa Clara. Sitting on my favorite bench in the sunshine I reminisced on my time there, how comfortable I feel in that sweet little community that held me, shaped me and allowed for such growth and change in me. And in some ways the nostalgia is overwhelming, and leaves me yearning for the past in a way I probably shouldn't. But Im still not convinced we should completely throw it out the window, but maybe thats me holding on too tight.
Then a friend sent me this article "For The Free Spirited Females With Fiercely Sensitive Hearts". And while it wavers on the edge of a little too cheesy- there are some serious truths in it. Truths I am trying to make sense of right now, parts of me that I am trying to live into and figure out how to make the best of, how to nourish and how to grow in at this time of change, new, growth and this past month of being in different homes, feeling excessively nostalgic and understanding the new world I have left these ones for. It articulates well this balance of being care free and light hearted and being deeply in touch with the pains of the world, of loving fully, of seeing all that is and of nourishing our souls. And these weeks of quiet, space from school, time with soul friends and soaking up the California sunshine have helped me see there has been a lack of soul nourishing these last few months.
In one of our many figuring out the world's problems conversations, I told a friend "I need to revel in what is awesome about this world more". I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me say it- I feel like a broken record.. but the not okness of this world is weighing me down. And if I plan to give my whole heart and life to fighting for justice, putting myself in communities on the fringes of society, listening to the hurt and injustice experienced by people and working for something better... I have to start figuring out how to carry this load with a little more grace and a little bit of a lighter heart because otherwise I'm going to crumble under this weight. I'm terrified of loosing sight of whats real, I want to be honest about how messed up the world is always- because I think if not I can forget my responsibility, my passion, my burning desire to make a difference in this world. But also- I have to trust that I won't loose that awareness and spend more time having moments of overwhelming amazement, connectedness, gratitude, joy and awe. Because I know this world is full of good- and if you scroll back a couple years on this blog you'd find a girl who did nothing but praise all the beauty in her world. Even though I have gotten closer to whats hard that beauty hasn't gone anywhere- its just a matter of taking time to celebrate it.
So while being nostalgic may not be the perfect way to spend my time, this week its helping me remember what made this place feel like home, reminding me what it is I need to fill my soul, take care of my heart that hurts for the world and hopefully I can take that back to my new home and keep filling in the spaces, because there are still some empty ones. So as I walk slowly into 2015 my intention is for light heartedness, reveling in what is awe-some and finding ways to nourish my sensitive heart, so it can keep on giving to this world. Cheers to 2015 and all the unknown beauty it has to offer each and everyone of us.
One of the "unnecessary attachments" is nostalgia. And that has stuck with me since I read it the semi insightful article about things to let go of. I have always been excessively nostalgic. I love change, I love new, I love adventures but I also hold onto memories of the past and goodness in the present pretty tight- struggling to let go, missing constantly and always remembering. Sometimes it definitely gets in the way of the present, but not always- its given me an ability to understand my story, see where I've come from and who has shaped me which gives me insight into where I am going. I'm in the Bay right now spending my days cuddling with Coop, playing at the park and seeing friends at night. We celebrated Cooper's first birthday on Sunday and I remembered the emotional roller coaster that was this time last year, a hard goodbye followed by the most special hello to our little man. Then I went to Santa Clara for Sunday night mass and lots of good time with my Casa crew and people who have formed me at Santa Clara. Sitting on my favorite bench in the sunshine I reminisced on my time there, how comfortable I feel in that sweet little community that held me, shaped me and allowed for such growth and change in me. And in some ways the nostalgia is overwhelming, and leaves me yearning for the past in a way I probably shouldn't. But Im still not convinced we should completely throw it out the window, but maybe thats me holding on too tight.
Then a friend sent me this article "For The Free Spirited Females With Fiercely Sensitive Hearts". And while it wavers on the edge of a little too cheesy- there are some serious truths in it. Truths I am trying to make sense of right now, parts of me that I am trying to live into and figure out how to make the best of, how to nourish and how to grow in at this time of change, new, growth and this past month of being in different homes, feeling excessively nostalgic and understanding the new world I have left these ones for. It articulates well this balance of being care free and light hearted and being deeply in touch with the pains of the world, of loving fully, of seeing all that is and of nourishing our souls. And these weeks of quiet, space from school, time with soul friends and soaking up the California sunshine have helped me see there has been a lack of soul nourishing these last few months.
In one of our many figuring out the world's problems conversations, I told a friend "I need to revel in what is awesome about this world more". I'm sure you are all sick of hearing me say it- I feel like a broken record.. but the not okness of this world is weighing me down. And if I plan to give my whole heart and life to fighting for justice, putting myself in communities on the fringes of society, listening to the hurt and injustice experienced by people and working for something better... I have to start figuring out how to carry this load with a little more grace and a little bit of a lighter heart because otherwise I'm going to crumble under this weight. I'm terrified of loosing sight of whats real, I want to be honest about how messed up the world is always- because I think if not I can forget my responsibility, my passion, my burning desire to make a difference in this world. But also- I have to trust that I won't loose that awareness and spend more time having moments of overwhelming amazement, connectedness, gratitude, joy and awe. Because I know this world is full of good- and if you scroll back a couple years on this blog you'd find a girl who did nothing but praise all the beauty in her world. Even though I have gotten closer to whats hard that beauty hasn't gone anywhere- its just a matter of taking time to celebrate it.
So while being nostalgic may not be the perfect way to spend my time, this week its helping me remember what made this place feel like home, reminding me what it is I need to fill my soul, take care of my heart that hurts for the world and hopefully I can take that back to my new home and keep filling in the spaces, because there are still some empty ones. So as I walk slowly into 2015 my intention is for light heartedness, reveling in what is awe-some and finding ways to nourish my sensitive heart, so it can keep on giving to this world. Cheers to 2015 and all the unknown beauty it has to offer each and everyone of us.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Home
Ahhhh home. The sweetness of silence, the fire flickering next to me and snow falling outside. Every time I come home it is the catalyst of lots of reflection, emotion, questioning, feels, good and sometimes hard. I'd like to think that its a pretty normal holidays at home kinda thing.
Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about. Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.
Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways. I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.
I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.
I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.
This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.
Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.
And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.
Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about. Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.
Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways. I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.
I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.
I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.
This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.
Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.
And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.
Monday, December 15, 2014
A semester of movement and becoming
So.. I finished my first semester of grad school. All my finals are turned in, books are returned and we had an amazing, joy and gratitude filled weekend of celebrating and am heading home for a much awaited break with my family and friends. I can't even believe this semester is over- and when I reflect back on it my head starts spinning. It has been four very full months. Full in hours spent reading and writing, new people met, city explored, fun and adventure had but the thing that feels fullest about it are the constant movements and wrestling im my heart. It has been a semester full of questions- my heart feels tired from all the asking, struggling and stretching. And full from some of the new insights, the love, the continued becoming and the prospect of this break to let it all marinate.
So.. A few of the things I've been wrestling with this semester
1. HOPE. Ooof that's a doozie. I am a fairly optimistic, positive, hopeful human. And that has been challenged this semester in more ways than I can explain. Coming home from El Salvador to the US is always a shock to the system and that definitely played a huge part in it. Last year in the midst of deep suffering I found hope in the deep resilience, faith and hope of the women I was surrounded by who were always sure God was with them working for something better. Unlike me they don't need to be convinced that God is with them and working in ways we can't see. Coming back I've felt distant from that spirit of hope and overwhelmed by the disconnect between these worlds. Disheartened by how easy it is for wealth and power to seduce us into forgetting about the huge portion of our world living in deep poverty and suffering. My classrooms feel far away from reality. The institutional church sometimes feels like a total hypocrite. And the reality of suffering in this world is too big- so I have felt hopeless too many times. Recently I am trying to come back into that hope- trusting in something bigger than myself- all the other committed individuals whose hearts are broken, the movements, the eye opening and protesting of the way things are that is happening and a power and love that moves through this world in ways I cannot understand and imagine. I'm so very in touch with what's wrong in the world that it's hard to focus on what's right without fear of lying to myself. But I am also surrounded by such good souls and trying to believe that being here is right, that all this reflecting is brewing in me action that will make change and that this is all beyond me.
2. Women.. I think (hope) that it is impossible to study theology at a Catholic institution as a woman and not end up spending a lot of time trying to understand the role of women in the Church. And in the world. The most spirit filled, loving, joyful, hopeful part of my time here has been the strength, wisdom, motivation of the women I am surrounded by. Friendships that have been built on the basis of a deep longing to be valued equally that brings us together. I am so grateful for sisterhood, and equally sad that sisterhood is so very important and often formed around feeling the pain of being seen as less than. I hope that the world and the Church continue to open it's eyes to the perspective, love, depth and goodness it is missing out on by being so male centric.
3. Race. My desire to dig deeper in my understanding of race started a few months back in my diversity class when I started really looking at my own bias and got back in the privilege conversation. Again wondering what I, as a white, privileged, educated woman was called to do about our country that is so deeply failing non white populations. As of late it is impossible to not be thinking about. All I can say is it's heart breaking and absolutely not ok. We have to keep opening our eyes, we have to each choose to make the well being of each other our responsibility and we have to keep asking the powerful to do the same. The explosion of media attention to racism in our country gives me hope- my Facebook feed is full of people crying out against injustice, asking for change- but I also know there are many people who are not in the conversation- or still do not see the depth of the problem. That side of it is so disheartening. My roomates and I watched the video of Eric Gardner's death- and there is no denying the injustice that happened in that moment, that is part of a problem that is so rooted in the structures of our country and has caused such pain and fear for people we live side by side with. We have to engage with the emotions of all this- the pain of the families who have lost loved ones, the fear of young black boys, we have to be honest with ourselves, look at privilege and commit ourselves to the little things we can do to challenge the status quo.
4. My place in this world... It has been hard to be in a classroom talking about suffering and injustice this semester. I spent many nights awake imagining all the ways I could be giving to this world, on the ground, with the people acting not thinking. I had a few crises about why I decided to come to school instead of just getting into the fight... And am starting to see that the restlessness is bigger than simply studying theology, being in the US, in a classroom or whatever other classification- it is a restlessness that I am likely going to experience to some extent for the next 2 and 1/2 years. And I thought about running away from it- jumping ship and finding a different way to live right now. But I think it is a gift to be restless, to be struggling, asking questions, having this time to keep learning, growing and feeling the despair, frustration and depth of not right in this world while cultivating skills to give to this world better, hope to carry me in whatever work I end up doing and to keep toying with ideas of what that will look like. I'm trying to learn to have patience and trust in the journey- to let the brewing and discomfort marinate and continue inside me- things are moving and I am continuing to become everyday.
There is so much more- but that's a lot. And have been the things that keep me up at night. I have learned so much and am leaving overflowing with grattitude and peace. I had the best weekend with my friends- dancing, drinking tea, having late nights and lazy mornings, reminiscing on the semester and soaking up our time together. Community is so important to me- and I am so lucky to have built such a strong one already here. This is the first time in a long time I've said see ya soon to a community I get to come back to instead of goodbye and starting a new one. Such an amazing gift.
And I'm headed home to yet another community who had nourished me forever. I am so excited to be there- with my family of friends and to see my sweet little man and family of family :) I dunno how I got so lucky.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
UCA Vigil, Affect and Intellect
Blogs on blogs on blogs- my brain is exploding and right now I'm not sure what else to do with all these thoughts and questions other then to blog.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how we are here studying all those things and how important it is to be engaging with both intellect and affect- our brains and our hearts. My life tendency has always been one of affect and heart before intellect and brain. Which makes me who I am, lets me love so deeply, engage with the world in a way that has transformed me- but also, sometimes can be problematic and maybe most importantly is sometimes lacking the backing I need to make the change in this world I so deeply want to make. This means two things right now... one: it is physically impossible for me to not engage in all that I am learning with my heart.. I am slowly learning to be less of an emotional rollercoaster and keep the tears from filling my eyes during class but I will forever feel my heart palpatating and breaking as I am learning about the reality of our world, our understanding of God and the connection between it all. Secondly, this learning to engage with life from a place of intellect is really important for me.
Sunday is the 25th anniversary of the Jesuits, their house keeper Elba and her daughter Celina in El Salvador because of their commitment to justice for the poor and innocent of their country in the face of the US supporting the military in brutally killing those who were standing up for equality. It is also the 15th anniversary of the Casa, started by Tre and Kev to commemorate their lives and further their legacy of educating with intellect and affect in the context of poverty and injustice.
I am currently writing a paper about Ignacio Ellacuría- one of those six Jesuits who were killed who was the President of the University of Central America at the time. His theology was one of giving responsibility to the people who cause the great amount of suffering and marginilization in our world today and calling about action against this injustice, a continued fight for the equality through our words, actions and lives. He cited Jesus' life and mission as the cause of his death because of the powerful who were threatened by that, and thus the call of the crucified people- of all of us- today to stand up against the powerful who are causing such great oppression. His philosophy and theology are super intellectual and take me sometime to dig into and understand- but are important for me to understand- not necesarilly because I need to understand how thats all connected to call me to continue doing what I want to do. But more so because I think too often if we only engage from a place of intellect we miss the point- we can stay in our warm libraries and coffee shops writing papers about suffering and God but not actually be with the people and put it all into action. Yet if I can engage both maybe I can have some credibility in convincing the world that we MUST be putting this all into action. In my paper I have to write a criticism- I think that sometimes we walk a fine line of glorifying suffering and the lives of those who are suffering being full of hope and "salvation" and closeness to God- which is true BUT we have a responsibility to make a change and they are put in this situation because of structural injustices and no matter how strong, hopeful, loving and out of these world these people are- it is not ok that they suffer in this way- EVER.
Today at the UCA is a day of celebration- a soccer tournament, alfombra making and tonight mass and the vigil for the martyrs. It is an absolutely amazing day and the energy that fills the University grounds is absolutely incredible. One of remembrance, hope, responsibility, carrying forward the torch that the martyrs left us. The first time I went something huge moved in me.. I'll never forget standing there surrounded by people I love feeling so inspired to make something of my life, to keep fighting for the justice, love and equality the martyrs died for.
I have been in El Salvador on this day for the past three years- and not being there today hurts my heart. I love it so much, it fuels me the community, reality, honesty and energy. The mass is always one of the few that I fully understand and that is so real- talking about how bad things are with a deep undertone of motivation to make change. I don't think we do that enough here.
I wrote this the night of the vigil last year
"I felt the same things I have each time- this renewed appreciation for this program and why we are here. A deep love for this country and it's history. An overwhelming feeling of connectedness- But also an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and fear for this world, which comes from the honesty of the homily. But also so much hope- such a desire to give and do something real. To work against the suffering and injustice in this world. Such a radical call to a life with the poor- not one of gated communities, luxury cars and shopping malls that let us turn our back on the world- which is a hard, scary call- but one I want to follow"
So- in honor of the martyrs- and so many people in El Salvador who are inspired by their legacy- today I am writing about Ellacuría with a candle lit and Salvadoran music playing, going to pupusas and trying to marinate in what the martyrs and people of El Salvador do so well- a deep, heart breaking and challenging honesty about what's not right in the world AND a hope, inspiration and faith in something that this fight is worth fighting and things will change. Today I was at a talk and she reminded us of the importance of doing things even if we can't see the results- doing them for the people who come after us. Of imagining that SOMEDAY, today, tomorrow things are shifting and will shift.. and the lives taken for peace 25 years ago are still fueling a living faith and commitment to a better world.
I am grateful that engaging with the intellect brings tears to my eyes, images of people I love, stories, moments and so much engagement with my heart. And I have to keep remembering that these years of studying are going to help me give to this world better as much as I can continue to engage with my heart too, with both sides- connect the two worlds that sometimes seem so far apart- just as the martyrs taught us to do.
Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how we are here studying all those things and how important it is to be engaging with both intellect and affect- our brains and our hearts. My life tendency has always been one of affect and heart before intellect and brain. Which makes me who I am, lets me love so deeply, engage with the world in a way that has transformed me- but also, sometimes can be problematic and maybe most importantly is sometimes lacking the backing I need to make the change in this world I so deeply want to make. This means two things right now... one: it is physically impossible for me to not engage in all that I am learning with my heart.. I am slowly learning to be less of an emotional rollercoaster and keep the tears from filling my eyes during class but I will forever feel my heart palpatating and breaking as I am learning about the reality of our world, our understanding of God and the connection between it all. Secondly, this learning to engage with life from a place of intellect is really important for me.
Sunday is the 25th anniversary of the Jesuits, their house keeper Elba and her daughter Celina in El Salvador because of their commitment to justice for the poor and innocent of their country in the face of the US supporting the military in brutally killing those who were standing up for equality. It is also the 15th anniversary of the Casa, started by Tre and Kev to commemorate their lives and further their legacy of educating with intellect and affect in the context of poverty and injustice.
I am currently writing a paper about Ignacio Ellacuría- one of those six Jesuits who were killed who was the President of the University of Central America at the time. His theology was one of giving responsibility to the people who cause the great amount of suffering and marginilization in our world today and calling about action against this injustice, a continued fight for the equality through our words, actions and lives. He cited Jesus' life and mission as the cause of his death because of the powerful who were threatened by that, and thus the call of the crucified people- of all of us- today to stand up against the powerful who are causing such great oppression. His philosophy and theology are super intellectual and take me sometime to dig into and understand- but are important for me to understand- not necesarilly because I need to understand how thats all connected to call me to continue doing what I want to do. But more so because I think too often if we only engage from a place of intellect we miss the point- we can stay in our warm libraries and coffee shops writing papers about suffering and God but not actually be with the people and put it all into action. Yet if I can engage both maybe I can have some credibility in convincing the world that we MUST be putting this all into action. In my paper I have to write a criticism- I think that sometimes we walk a fine line of glorifying suffering and the lives of those who are suffering being full of hope and "salvation" and closeness to God- which is true BUT we have a responsibility to make a change and they are put in this situation because of structural injustices and no matter how strong, hopeful, loving and out of these world these people are- it is not ok that they suffer in this way- EVER.
Today at the UCA is a day of celebration- a soccer tournament, alfombra making and tonight mass and the vigil for the martyrs. It is an absolutely amazing day and the energy that fills the University grounds is absolutely incredible. One of remembrance, hope, responsibility, carrying forward the torch that the martyrs left us. The first time I went something huge moved in me.. I'll never forget standing there surrounded by people I love feeling so inspired to make something of my life, to keep fighting for the justice, love and equality the martyrs died for.
I have been in El Salvador on this day for the past three years- and not being there today hurts my heart. I love it so much, it fuels me the community, reality, honesty and energy. The mass is always one of the few that I fully understand and that is so real- talking about how bad things are with a deep undertone of motivation to make change. I don't think we do that enough here.
I wrote this the night of the vigil last year
"I felt the same things I have each time- this renewed appreciation for this program and why we are here. A deep love for this country and it's history. An overwhelming feeling of connectedness- But also an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and fear for this world, which comes from the honesty of the homily. But also so much hope- such a desire to give and do something real. To work against the suffering and injustice in this world. Such a radical call to a life with the poor- not one of gated communities, luxury cars and shopping malls that let us turn our back on the world- which is a hard, scary call- but one I want to follow"
So- in honor of the martyrs- and so many people in El Salvador who are inspired by their legacy- today I am writing about Ellacuría with a candle lit and Salvadoran music playing, going to pupusas and trying to marinate in what the martyrs and people of El Salvador do so well- a deep, heart breaking and challenging honesty about what's not right in the world AND a hope, inspiration and faith in something that this fight is worth fighting and things will change. Today I was at a talk and she reminded us of the importance of doing things even if we can't see the results- doing them for the people who come after us. Of imagining that SOMEDAY, today, tomorrow things are shifting and will shift.. and the lives taken for peace 25 years ago are still fueling a living faith and commitment to a better world.
I am grateful that engaging with the intellect brings tears to my eyes, images of people I love, stories, moments and so much engagement with my heart. And I have to keep remembering that these years of studying are going to help me give to this world better as much as I can continue to engage with my heart too, with both sides- connect the two worlds that sometimes seem so far apart- just as the martyrs taught us to do.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
"Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between ChurchTeaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"
I cant sleep.. so I'm gonna tell you about it. I'm hesitant to come here with a topic as blazing as this and as related to my theology studies as this- it feels risky. But it also feels really important and genuine to me. And important to my formation of learning to articulate and stand for what I believe- and this is a safe space to do that. There is so much in this post that is missing- parts of the Catholic Church that are responding to this issue so much better, arguments that are so much fuller, experiences that are complex and painful- but this is just a little piece of my heart tonight.
Tonight there was an event at the School of Theology and Minisry (STM)- one of my two homes on BC's Campus called "Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between Church Teaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"
Growing up this was a non negotiable. I think I was in 6th grade or something crazy when I started arguing for the rights of the LGBTQ population, wrote a paper about it in 8th grade and spent plenty of time arguing about it. Mom just taught me all love was love- or maybe she didn't have to teach me- it's just in the air we breath. And for years that was my anti religion, anti Catholicism sound track- if the Church says that the people I love who are in same sex relationships can't get married then I will stay far far away.
Now I'm studying Theology- grappling with who God is, what the Church teaching says and why and how all of that matters to us everyday. I never thought I'd find myself here- but its quite connected with the young girl who was taught all love was love and that if the Church disagreed then no way was I going to be a part of that. This is one of so many reasons that Im here. Because I really don't think its right and there are so many things that the Institutional Church does that I don't think are right- but I have also found a lot of things that make that same Church a welcoming home for reflection, loving better and fighting for social justice. Yet it leaves me spiraling trying to understand how there can be such a strong disconnect.
One of my amazing friends here started out the conversation tonight. She talked about how in creation their is diversity and that is of God and therefore good, how sexuality is a part of human nature and loving more deeply/entering into a more intimate and spiritual relationship with the other, how binary language and concepts function in so many ways that are hurtful and evil and that being in a same sex relationship has brought her joy and flourishing and cannot be seen as her "cross to bear". Then we heard the opposite opinion- sex is intended for procreation, we are biologically complementary as female and male and we should be careful which crosses to take from people because our suffering is salvific.
Ooof. Grant me eloquence and patience.
I think we are limiting human beings immensely if we are saying the whole of love and relationships is simply to create offspring. This is coming from a woman who has dreamt of being a mom since I was two- trust me I want to carry babies and birth them and love them with all of my being. But I don't believe all people are called to be parents, I don't believe all people are prepared to be parents and I sure as hell don't believe that simply being in a opposite sex relationship that produces off spring necessarily always brings greater love into the world- so much pain is caused by parents who are not ready to be parents, who do not have the support they need, who are broken down by the suffering in their lives.
And SO much beauty, goodness, and all sorts of creation that is not simply offspring comes from strong, mutual, loving relationships. One of the other panelists responded asking about infertile couples- the church doesn't tell them- "well your relationship is worthless so you must give up".. of course not! In fact we tell them they must stay married and hope for some miracle and be happy with all of it. I could talk about the scarily high number of children without homes, families, a safe space to grow up that need to be adopted into loving families, and also of the beauty of technology that allows same sex couples to have babies with their own genes too. There is SO much about that argument that makes me reel.
Then there is the cross- which is something that I could talk about forever. This idea that our suffering leads us to strength, salvation, closeness to God. That there is meaning in our suffering. Dear world, it is time to stop saying that. Suffering is painful and wrong and no loving God wants her people to be in pain. Yes we overcome suffering, yes some of my greatest strengths come from the process of overcoming pain- but also many of my biggest challenges come from that- and the God I believe in who loves us unconditionally has no desire for us to suffer. Beyond me there are millions of people in our world who are suffering incredible structural and societal injustices of poverty, violence, war and when we apply meaning to suffering we run the terrible risk of allowing there to be some belief that suffering is deserved or part of Gods plan. I just don't believe that. Not one bit.
The other panelists talked about some of the statistics of pain caused by these teachings. The rate of Homeless LGBTQ youth, their increased attempts of suicide, bullying, violence and the 10 million people who have left the Catholic Church BECAUSE of this issue. One of the most important things I am learning in my classes is that language functions. Knowing only a white, male, all powerful God has incredible implications across the world for women who internalize an idea of subordination. The Church's teaching that same sex intimacy and marriage is "intrinsically disordered" "against nature" or a number of other words for wrong is making people feel unwelcome, causing bullying, suicide and violence. And if we do not own that we need to "take a long hard look at the real".
To me being Catholic is about "taking people down from their crosses" as liberation theologists would say: i.e. relieving people's suffering, fighting for a better reality NOW, believing that we are all so loved, so delighted in and so whole in the eyes of God, the universe, the spirit and that what God wants for us is fullness of life, liberation and love. Which we are not giving to the LGBTQ population.
Despite the majority of the room being on the same page as me I left tonight's event feeling frustrated. Because the privileged, males (many of which are white) who have the power in our Church- are not engaged in sexually intimate relationships and somehow are able to distance themselves from the people on the ground- are the ones making the decisions. And despite the fact that I am surrounded by incredibly smart, theologically sound people who believe homosexual love is the same love as any other love- the Church and so many people and institutions across the world are still finding ways to say "God loves you BUT" to a huge percentage of the population.
Just like questions of inequality and suffering in El Salvador I sometimes get lost in the injustice. My heart feels tormented by the fact that we are so far from what I believe all this theology and God stuff is about. And in some ways I am so grateful for that feeling of unsettled questioning, really just not ok with it that has formed within me. It keeps me honest and pushes me to stand up, use my voice and fight for something different. But I also get paralyzed by it and overwhelmed with a fear of how do we get past these big brick walls of tradition that seem to be so distant from the human experience of so many of the people I love who love the Church and continuously struggle to reconcile that with their LGBTQ identity.
And that torment, frustration and complete awe at the arguments of the Institutional Church. Thats why Im here. Because I found a home in the Church, I found an inspiration to fight for justice and have seen the hope and love so many others have found in the Church. And I will not stop hoping that someday there will be a home for everyone in the Church if they want it. And that the teachings and language of the Church will do what they claim to be about- extending love and forgiveness- rather than causing hurt, violence and exclusion.
Tonight there was an event at the School of Theology and Minisry (STM)- one of my two homes on BC's Campus called "Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between Church Teaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"
Growing up this was a non negotiable. I think I was in 6th grade or something crazy when I started arguing for the rights of the LGBTQ population, wrote a paper about it in 8th grade and spent plenty of time arguing about it. Mom just taught me all love was love- or maybe she didn't have to teach me- it's just in the air we breath. And for years that was my anti religion, anti Catholicism sound track- if the Church says that the people I love who are in same sex relationships can't get married then I will stay far far away.
Now I'm studying Theology- grappling with who God is, what the Church teaching says and why and how all of that matters to us everyday. I never thought I'd find myself here- but its quite connected with the young girl who was taught all love was love and that if the Church disagreed then no way was I going to be a part of that. This is one of so many reasons that Im here. Because I really don't think its right and there are so many things that the Institutional Church does that I don't think are right- but I have also found a lot of things that make that same Church a welcoming home for reflection, loving better and fighting for social justice. Yet it leaves me spiraling trying to understand how there can be such a strong disconnect.
One of my amazing friends here started out the conversation tonight. She talked about how in creation their is diversity and that is of God and therefore good, how sexuality is a part of human nature and loving more deeply/entering into a more intimate and spiritual relationship with the other, how binary language and concepts function in so many ways that are hurtful and evil and that being in a same sex relationship has brought her joy and flourishing and cannot be seen as her "cross to bear". Then we heard the opposite opinion- sex is intended for procreation, we are biologically complementary as female and male and we should be careful which crosses to take from people because our suffering is salvific.
Ooof. Grant me eloquence and patience.
I think we are limiting human beings immensely if we are saying the whole of love and relationships is simply to create offspring. This is coming from a woman who has dreamt of being a mom since I was two- trust me I want to carry babies and birth them and love them with all of my being. But I don't believe all people are called to be parents, I don't believe all people are prepared to be parents and I sure as hell don't believe that simply being in a opposite sex relationship that produces off spring necessarily always brings greater love into the world- so much pain is caused by parents who are not ready to be parents, who do not have the support they need, who are broken down by the suffering in their lives.
And SO much beauty, goodness, and all sorts of creation that is not simply offspring comes from strong, mutual, loving relationships. One of the other panelists responded asking about infertile couples- the church doesn't tell them- "well your relationship is worthless so you must give up".. of course not! In fact we tell them they must stay married and hope for some miracle and be happy with all of it. I could talk about the scarily high number of children without homes, families, a safe space to grow up that need to be adopted into loving families, and also of the beauty of technology that allows same sex couples to have babies with their own genes too. There is SO much about that argument that makes me reel.
Then there is the cross- which is something that I could talk about forever. This idea that our suffering leads us to strength, salvation, closeness to God. That there is meaning in our suffering. Dear world, it is time to stop saying that. Suffering is painful and wrong and no loving God wants her people to be in pain. Yes we overcome suffering, yes some of my greatest strengths come from the process of overcoming pain- but also many of my biggest challenges come from that- and the God I believe in who loves us unconditionally has no desire for us to suffer. Beyond me there are millions of people in our world who are suffering incredible structural and societal injustices of poverty, violence, war and when we apply meaning to suffering we run the terrible risk of allowing there to be some belief that suffering is deserved or part of Gods plan. I just don't believe that. Not one bit.
The other panelists talked about some of the statistics of pain caused by these teachings. The rate of Homeless LGBTQ youth, their increased attempts of suicide, bullying, violence and the 10 million people who have left the Catholic Church BECAUSE of this issue. One of the most important things I am learning in my classes is that language functions. Knowing only a white, male, all powerful God has incredible implications across the world for women who internalize an idea of subordination. The Church's teaching that same sex intimacy and marriage is "intrinsically disordered" "against nature" or a number of other words for wrong is making people feel unwelcome, causing bullying, suicide and violence. And if we do not own that we need to "take a long hard look at the real".
To me being Catholic is about "taking people down from their crosses" as liberation theologists would say: i.e. relieving people's suffering, fighting for a better reality NOW, believing that we are all so loved, so delighted in and so whole in the eyes of God, the universe, the spirit and that what God wants for us is fullness of life, liberation and love. Which we are not giving to the LGBTQ population.
Despite the majority of the room being on the same page as me I left tonight's event feeling frustrated. Because the privileged, males (many of which are white) who have the power in our Church- are not engaged in sexually intimate relationships and somehow are able to distance themselves from the people on the ground- are the ones making the decisions. And despite the fact that I am surrounded by incredibly smart, theologically sound people who believe homosexual love is the same love as any other love- the Church and so many people and institutions across the world are still finding ways to say "God loves you BUT" to a huge percentage of the population.
Just like questions of inequality and suffering in El Salvador I sometimes get lost in the injustice. My heart feels tormented by the fact that we are so far from what I believe all this theology and God stuff is about. And in some ways I am so grateful for that feeling of unsettled questioning, really just not ok with it that has formed within me. It keeps me honest and pushes me to stand up, use my voice and fight for something different. But I also get paralyzed by it and overwhelmed with a fear of how do we get past these big brick walls of tradition that seem to be so distant from the human experience of so many of the people I love who love the Church and continuously struggle to reconcile that with their LGBTQ identity.
And that torment, frustration and complete awe at the arguments of the Institutional Church. Thats why Im here. Because I found a home in the Church, I found an inspiration to fight for justice and have seen the hope and love so many others have found in the Church. And I will not stop hoping that someday there will be a home for everyone in the Church if they want it. And that the teachings and language of the Church will do what they claim to be about- extending love and forgiveness- rather than causing hurt, violence and exclusion.
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