living for Eric

Today... May 28th


A day that fits in weirdly with my life.
A day that changed my world, and the world of those who are closest.
A day that I cannot imagine my life without.
A day that I still don't quite know how to respond to.
A day that brings thoughts, questions, created memories, wishes, and emotions back to the surface.
A day for gratitude, holding onto all that I have, and reminding myself of the things that he taught me.


Today is Eric's anniversary. Of 19 years.  A day that is for some just another day. And for us, it is a day that we look for ways to make something of.


Sometimes you wonder why...why us? why him? why?
And there are so many answers, we are strong, somewhere else needed him more, life, science...but none that justify the loss of a brother, son, friend, role model, the loss of a life. 


But most of the time, I see a rainbow, the sun shining down on me, this beautiful campus that I am so lucky to call home, a family that is out of this world, and a life that in all the ups and downs has given me more than I could ever ask for.  Most the time I am thankful to have had him touch my life. To have had four months where somehow he gave me love, he gave me understanding, he gave me a desire to know him, to learn from him, and to live in his memory. Thankful for the pictures, the one that sits above my bed reminding me, comforting me, holding me, day after day. Thankful for so much


Still I wish I could know him.  I wish he could guide me. I wish this day was just another day. I wish he could have changed the world.  I wish we could laugh, talk on the phone, go on adventures. 


Today I woke up feeling him with me, planning to take on the day feeling loved and lucky, remembering him, thanking him, celebrating his life.  I listened to my songs of him.  I thought about this life, I thought about some day, and I walked out the door with a smile on my face.


By 3:00 the stress of school, being exhausted, and for whatever reason this day reminding me, I called mom and I lost it. I was a wreck once I was sure she was ok.  I was a wreck more because I needed sleep but I also wanted to feel this day with my mom, Jesse, Ese....one of the many someones who feels Eric with me.  So i felt it, and for a short time I let myself feel the pain, the loss, the wishing we could have him, I fell asleep thinking of him and woke up again, thankful for this life, for a boy who changed my world, and for a bump in the road that has taught me to live and love and cherish every moment.


So today, like all the other days, I will let myself feel it, and then wipe away the tears and get up and go on and live. I will fuel my passion for life with adventure and relationships that make me better, with conversations that make me think, with laughter that makes my life longer.  I will continue to learn and grow and live better for your life that was taken far too young. Thank you for every lesson. <3 I love you