finding the connections

hi :)


ive been sooo bad about writing. i dunno what it is. home i guess. and wayyyy tooo many thoughts. ive kinda just been going with the flow. working a ton. working out when im not working. and not really giving myself time to think. but im ready to think.


home is home. there are days i wanna scream and cry and run away..not days minutes. and then there are more minutes when im in love with the mountains and the blue sky and the feel of a home town. with my bed and the lake and quincy's with dad and zachy and this huge amazing family i have here. and with peace and quiet.  i've been sleeping so well. and playing outside. and looking at the stars. and not even realizing how much i actually am enjoying it. even in the minutes when i feel like there is no way i will survive this summer.


there is a lot here i dont understand. battles i may never win but cant fathom not fighting.  things that have always defined my life and even though i went away and changed a ton, most things here didn't change at all. which is comforting in some ways and infuriating in other ways.  But its home, and there is a ton to enjoy so Im just gonna keep enjoying those parts, im falling in love with this place all over again, and different things than i use to love, new things. letting little things that used to bother me go, holding onto little things that are super duper awesome.


and still missing school.  people ask me daily how i like california, my first year, college, you know all the questions. and every time someone asks i am reminded how absolutely amazing and out of this world this year was. and i miss it a little every time. i miss my friends so much. i miss that life. that feels sooo different than this one. but the me that i found there is finding away to live here too and thats awesome.  i learned so much freshmen year its almost impossible to put into words


i learned so much about me, to be honest with myself, to be aware of every single thing i do,  how i cope, how i act in relationships with whoever, what makes me soar, how i go, and what i love.  i learned to love sooo many new things...swimming, sociology, sunshine, adventures, the outdoors, learning, being productive, meeting new people and seeing new places, questioning, trying to understand, testing new things, and talking about it with people from such different backgrounds. I learned to manage my time, keep in touch with people, love my mama sooo much more than i knew possible, appreciate everything that has gotten me where i was, and constantly CONSTANTLY be aware of how lucky i am and how amazing life is. I learned about people from so many different walks of life, shared with people, got responses that made me soar, cried to people i would have never guessed would be my friends, laughed so hard i cried on the 2nd floor of swig, and loved life more than i ever knew possible.


i feel so lucky. i feel so full of love and excitement and joy and exhilaration and appreciation. of so much to help me find the good in life. and to try to share it with people.


i still get caught up in so much here at home, so much that i didn't have to get caught up in at home (school...i dunno which is which anymore) , and this summer i will learn to separate it, to respond better, to spread what i learned. i will just keep learning and learning and learning. and i have so much on my list to check off, so many new fun things to do that i don't have time to get caught up in the other stuff. :)


back to here. kelly and miguel's wedding is this weekend and i am so so so dang excited. for every part of it. we have been decorating and its so fun and slowly i've realized this is a big deal, kel is like my big sister, this is my second family and helping her with this is so much fun. and im soooo excited for all of the second family that will be there saturday, all the people who just know and understand, who would drop anything for me, who care to know about my life, and will give me the biggest hugs. im excited to dance and laugh and cry and feel all the excitement. its gonna be a circus and a total freaking blast.


everyday i gotta remind myself to enjoy all this wonderful life i have. and i gotta do all the things i wanna do. cause this is an amazing place to do them :)


its bedtime, but at least i finally got some thoughts down.
happy almost weekend. and almost july (WHAT?) and summertime. and life 
<3