Forever Becoming

Im sitting at the table at the house where I babysit. Little Karina is still sleeping and I am trying to get some studying done. But summer is just so close and my focus is short lived. So.. here I am.

I changed the name... whoa big stuff. Human becoming.. I wish I could remember exactly where that word came from. Maybe it was Sister Peggy.. anyways, I think it's really fitting for this life. Margot and I always wonder if we will ever "arrive" cause it seems like there is always some big growing, learning, shifting happening. And recently we have started to accept the idea that maybe we really don't ever arrive at some end of understanding. We just keep understanding a little more or a little differently. We like to think that the core of us becomes stronger, and it becomes easier to trust through the ups and downs and shifts, but we are forever human becomings.

I am the most thankful to have her in my life. Even from Bali we have the most amazing conversations and feel oh so connected. We were meant to live in this life together.. soul friends.. or something. Last night she asked me "Hows your heart?" Junior year is ending in 2 days, I'm going to Paraguay in 9 days and a lot of life is happening between now and then. There is a lot of unknown. But I feel really at peace about it all. Ready for whatever life brings me and super excited to see what that is. Spending winter quarter in a rough place and being where I am now is just another reminder that life really does find its way. And every season, rough patch, moment of joy- I really think it all fits together in some magical way. I just trust that things will work out. I know that I could never have touched the pain I did in the three months after Casa without the strength I found there.. and really letting myself feel that and be completely honest and in touch with that darkness was something my heart had been preparing me for for years. Of course I'm not asking to feel that again but I really think it was necessary. I'm so much more whole after really exploring that. I dont have it all figured out and will likely come back to that same pain again but when I think about where I was three months ago I just know that there is something bigger than me out there making this all work as incredibly as it does.  I feel a deep sense of trust that things will be what they are supposed to be and am ready for whatever is coming.

I have no idea what Paraguay is going to be but I am just so excited to find out. I am excited to be somewhere new where I will be challenged all over again in both familiar and new ways. I have been thinking a lot about how to be intentional with my time there. How to be sure I am reflecting and processing in a healthy way. A space that I will have to search out and create on my own because Quentin wont be there to plan Community Nights for us. But honestly I am really excited for that opportunity. I am excited for some internal processing, growing, learning and really listening to myself.  Katie, another Casa friend, stayed over Sunday night and we talked about how important it is that we be creative and have an eye out for those spaces that became so sacred while we were in El Salvador. If we aren't spending two days a week with the same community how can we create relationships, if we aren't sitting in a circle at Heidi and Grace's reflecting together how can we explore what we are feeling and how it fits into the big picture? Those are the spaces we have to look for, create and just know we need, and I am excited to see what those are.

Sunday night was the last 9pm mass for the seniors. I remember last years senior mass. I was so heart broken to see the women who had become such a strong community for me up there being blessed at their last mass. I wondered who I would sit with and be excited to see at mass next year. And Sunday, although I didn't feel as heart broken as last year, I was reminded again of how special that community is and felt so surrounded by love. My first mass back after El Salvador felt a little lonely, like I didn't really know where to sit or who to hug, but Sunday night I didn't even think twice about any of that. I am so thankful for this place that gives us so much space for community. And for a deepened understanding of how important community really is. This year has been such a rollercoaster but I am so grateful to be exactly where I am right now. So much good has come into my life, so much new, and I am forever amazed at the way things work out. I am excited for all the fun that comes with the end of the year, graduation and summer. I'm excited for Paraguay and to just keeping growing, arriving, understanding and being shaken all over again. Thats what this life is all about, being a forever human becoming.