Holding hands

Junior year is over and I am sitting in the airport waiting to go to Paraguay for six weeks. WAIT WHAT?!?!?!? There is a lot a lot to say... but it is 12:13 am and it has been such a whirlwind of a week packing, moving, seeing people, trying to stay grounded amidst the chaos... and I am completely and utterly exhausted

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude for the women of Casita- who became (and continued as) my best friends, my sound boards, my everything. I do not know what the year would have been without you all to always lift my mood and go on adventures and be up for anything. It was so so amazing to live with you three and I will forever cherish the time we had together. To Casa... and the amazing roller coaster, heart breaking, life giving, world shattering experience that continues to seep into every part of my being trying to find where it fits. Thank you for showing me what matters, for making me hurt, feel, question and soar.  To my Casa family for being there when the questions, the suffering, the transition, the healing, the what next was too hard and you were the only ones who would ever understand. To KYHU Search crew... for bringing me light, community, reflection and so much support in a time I needed it more than ever.  To JC, Farwell and everyone who made the Silent Retreat possible, for the space, the care, the love that went into planning a time of quiet that reminded me what matters in this world. And to so many other people for all the love and life and light you have brought into my life. I cannot believe the way this year has turned out. I would have never been able to imagine the growth that has happened and the depth of understanding and appreciation for this life that continues to grow. A year ago I was on top of the world, amazed at how beautiful and giving it had been. Today I feel like I get to hold hands with so many people in this world who are learning to hold the beauty and the suffering and to see the goodness even when it hurts the most. Who just want to love and learn and grow. I am learning to be one with this world, to feel it's ups and downs and no longer just stand on top, hiding from all that is painful- but right in the middle of it all- feeling more real feelings than I have ever felt before. Thank you universe, amazing people and places in my life- for a year that has rocked me hard- but has left me stronger, more trusting and ready as can be to take on another adventure.

I would be lying through my teeth if I said I felt completely prepared. I have been nervous as can be lately. Nervous to not have community, nervous to face the suffering and be reminded of my place in this world as a silly American. Nervous for this huge realm of unknown that I have become friends with as of late. I haven't slept a lot... and I called my mom to tell her how nervous I am. But really I'd be worried if I wasn't nervous. I feel ready.. ready for something... ready to have my world shifted a little bit, to have some space from school and to have conversations and see deep dark eyes that leave me lost and confused. To stumble over my words speaking spanish. And to be humbled again by the great spirituality, wisdom and love that so many have more of than I do. I am ready to learn what it means to find community. This year taught me how important community is and also taught me that it is not always just handed to you. I'm excited for self sustaining Michelle to learn what community means outside the box, to learn to be a safe haven and nurturing space for my own fears, frustrations and pains, while holding on to the great truth (thank you for the reminder Clarita) that people are so very important to me. I am ready to explore what it means to have a balance of extroverted, busy, involved, surrounded by people I love and quiet, reflective, introverted and in touch with my own deepest joys and pains.

And maybe more than anything else I'm excited for everything I cannot predict or imagine. I am excited for the unknown and all that it will bring. I am excited to learn and grow and struggle. To question and explore and listen to my heart while I listen to all that there is to learn from around me. Here's to another adventure. Here's to the newness that will come. And here's to a year that has made me stronger, that has reminded me to trust because everything turns out somehow and that has helped me to cultivate a core of strength within me.. and inspired me to continue learning, growing, pushing myself and searching for exactly how I am supposed to engage with this world.