Hey again.. relocated to another airport. I'm sitting in the San Salvador airport, remembering the last time I was here saying goodbye, hurting, exhausted and so afraid of what was coming. When I found Ashley and Amanda last night we talked about leaving the airport for a while since we have a seven hour layover so I spent the five hour flight anxious, excited and nervous about what that would actually look like. When we started descending into San Salvador I saw the beach, the volcanoes and this land that nourished me in a way I could never have imagined and my eyes filled with tears. I was overcome with so many emotions. Emotions that I still haven't quite figured out what to do with. Scared of this journey not being Casa. Scared to go see the people I love in El Salvador for too short a time and be left rocked. Reminded of how home this place is and scared of what that will look like or not look like for the rest of my life. Nostalgic as can be... an emotion that I will never know how to make productive.. and just a little unsure of what to do with all those feelings. I looked down to my 3:25 bracelet... the bracelet Casa Romero got when our community night beat the record, the night that we felt as close as can be. The 3:25 that was written in sharpie has been unseeable for weeks, and suddenly yesterday I looked down and it was there. I sound completely crazy but I have witnesses. The bracelet is tattered and worn and on its last leg of life. But as I wrapped my hand around it I was comforted. I know the community of Casa Romero is with me wherever I go. Then I looked to the other arm... the bracelet I bought at the UCA vigil as a reminder of the reality of beauty and suffering coexisting, dancing together in this life, and the emotion I was overcame with that night that it is all part of it, and somehow we make it out alive if we can allow ourselves to feel both. A reminder that I appreciate so much, of the peace I felt in understanding the pain and the beauty... the wisdom the Salvadorans taught me that the two together are what make life and for that reason we must continue to sigue adelante. Then I noticed a missing bracelet. The one I thought was the most intact, sturdy and would stay forever. I bought it in Suchi over vacation as a reminder to be gentle with myself, to take care of myself... I think there is something fitting about the fact that it fell off in the last 24 hours. I never expected it to be the first to fall off and didn;t even notice it happen... I have learned a lot about being gentle with myself, loving myself, taking care of myself in the last six months, and maybe I don't need that bracelet as a reminder anymore.
We landed, I got Salvador's number and called him excited to maybe see him. Just the sound of his voice was so comforting. Almost felt like we never left. We decided we didn't have enough time or money to leave.. just not worth the risk. And at first I was disappointed. Then we got Papusas (which were also slightly disappointing) and I spent a couple minutes day dreaming about life in El Salvador. This country is full to the brim with emotions, memories, moments, people and places that mean more than I have learned to process yet. The overwhelming sense of emotion that I get looking through Casa stuff hit me 10 times harder looking out the window at the land I love so much, wishing I could be there, but knowing deep down I will never ever relive it. And then I realized... this trip is not about El Salvador. It is about Paraguay. I think it is really right that we didn't try to go see people. I think my heart needs some sense of separation between the two. Of course my time in El Salvador is ingrained in me and will surely influence my time in Paraguay greatly. But I have to let the reigns off a little and give myself some space so that I can let Paraguay be its own experience and find its way into my heart in all its similarities and differences. Mateo sent me "I will not die an unlived life" and we talked about how obsessed we are with Casa, how much we miss each other, how deeply embedded in our hearts it all is. I think in a way its scary to be taking another step that is similar but so different, scary to think that 6 weeks in Paraguay has the potential to be anything like Casa... and scary to think it will be totally different. I want to hold the four months at the Casa on my heart forever, and I want to come back here at a time that I can fully embrace the people who transformed my life. But I also want to allow space for new journeys, feelings and people. I cant articulate myself extremely well on the almost non existent sleep Im running on.. but El Salvador is in my heart and I want it to be a basis for Paraguay to find its way in, not a constant parallel or comparison or missing, just an experience that makes this one that much richer.
I wish I could run out and hug Santos, Reina, Christopher, Salvador, Lidia and all the others I adore.. but I also think my heart is better off sitting in the airport trying to pretend I'm somewhere else. I cant avoid this next chapter bringing back so many emotions about my time in El Salvador. But it doesn't have to replace those, or be compared to those, maybe it will be a chance to really process those, and see what holding onto Casa forever looks like in real life. I am so far from the articulate I would like to be right now but my wheels are turning a lot already. I am excited to land in Paraguay and be fully present there knowing my heart is so very shaped by every person, place and moment that I have experienced thus far and knowing that sometimes things make a lot more sense when you just let them be instead of planning it all out. XOXOXO
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