SCU...a dream come true

I am here, living and loving the life of a college student. I am at my dream school, my first choice, the place that at one point seemed completely out of reach. It is absolutely everything I have ever dreamed of. My classes challenge my mind and force me to think about things that I have never before questioned. I have met so many fun and caring and awesome people, my floor is close as can be and spends so much time together. The sun is pretty much always shining. It is absolutely wonderful.

Compared to the world I was living in before, this is like a vacation. The farthest I ever have to go is a maybe ten minute walk, if that. I finally get to worry about me, and focus on my homework and my well being and not worry about if shes ok, or her mess. I have time to spare, to work hard on my homework, to workout, and even to relax. There is no frost on my windshield in the morning, no worry about if I have enough gas, my skin isn't always dry, I'm usually too hot if I wear a hoodie and jeans, not layering up to stay warm, and dresses a very acceptable, simple, and fun option. It's so different, so wonderful, so everything I've ever wanted.

I'm joining swim club with my wonderful neighbor Lauren, getting into Community Service programs helping kids and bringing food to San Francisco. I'm looking into immersion trips for the winter, looking for jobs, learning, and soaking up all the beauty of this place. I can not say this enough, it is EVERYTHING i have ever wanted. I love it here, so much, and know that only more good is to come.

I keep thinking, if everything in my life lead me here, it was all worth it, and even more...it was perfect, if this is what I get in return for all the challenges, hard work, sunshiney moments, for everything. I get to be in a new world, filled with beautiful new things, people, experiences and a new life. I am so lucky, so blessed, so fortunate to be here. My support group is amazing, everyone who's gotten me here...Jesse, my mom, my dad, Ese, Chels, Zachy, Dave, Tiff, Mindy, Liv, the whole world of people who were there for me and a part of my world in all the years that lead to this, thanks, for getting me here. Dont get me wrong I miss those guys, soon enough I'll miss the mountains, my bed, my mom being nearby and home, but this place is too amazing to not grab onto with everything I have. I'm here, and this is exactly where I want and need to be, so while I cherish those relationships, and skype with them and call them and share my journey with them, Im gonna live in the now, here at Santa Clara University, where I dreamt of since I visited in Febuary of Junior year. I love, its perfect, the end.

leaving, letting go, grabbing on, starting new

Tonight is my last night at home, and when I think of it like that it makes me kinda sad. I have lived in this same house for the entire 18 year span of my life, the same little town, with the same group of best friends and have never experienced this moving away thing. And as I pack up my life, and say goodbye to the beauty of the world I have created, the people I love so dearly, and a Colorado flavored life, I think of all the good, a little bit of the bad, and whats next. I have been dreaming of this forever, and I am so happy to be stepping into a huge deep end where I will be fully emerged into a totally new and different world, where I can experience so much that I have not yet encountered, and be challenged in ways I never knew possible, learn things my brain can not yet comprehend, and meet the people who before I know it will become a new branch of my family. Its crazy to know that in a few months that will be the life I will know and will be used to, when right now this life is so incredibly difficult to let go of. I love knowing that what is coming is gonna be absolutely amazing. I am so excited for every piece of it, and so lucky to get the experience I have dreamt and worked towards.

I have said goodbye to so many people, and most importantly my best friends in the entire world who have raised me and gotten me through every bump in the road. Zachy and Ese were so hard, and it breaks my heart to know I will be so far away from them, but I've learned that the best and most important relationships are the ones you can be millions of miles away from and come home and nothing will ever change. Forever and always with them and Dave and Chels and so many others, we will be best friends and it wont change and I am so lucky to have them in my world to guide me through life and hold me up and bring me more joy then I even knew possible.

Then there are the relationships that you know will change, and I guess one after another I will see how easily they truly do change. My heart was broken into a million pieces, by someone who I never thought had it in him. This thing that had been so great, despite a few bumps, suddenly is gone and its hard to know I can loose someone so meaningful so quickly. That I can go from being completely in love, to completely lost and hurt and having so much hate for so quickly. I have never had my heart broken before, and it is a feeling you can only understand if you have experienced it, and I have so much more empathy for those of you who have undeservedly felt the pain of a heartbreak. Im sad I had to loose him like this, someone who meant so much and I had so much respect and care for, just gone, like that. Its so hard and hurts so much. But...with time I will move on and I will be ok and I will grab onto this world so much tighter then I might have before and it will be a better way to transition into my world, and as always I will hold onto the sunshine in my world so that the rainclouds and the unexpected thunderstorms dont stop me from going out there and showing the world what I've got, so here I come, watch out world :)

I am so excited, and full of so many emotions, I will miss this life so much, my house, my mountains, my best friends, my mommy, I really will miss it with all my heart, but I know there are new experiences out there for me to learn and grow from, so i'm gonna go into it ready to soak it all up, and bring it back to share with all of you people who I wish I could take with me...sigh. Goodbye Colorado, Hello California. Here's to a year full of learning, growing, living, dancing, loving and dreaming.

one week

Still writing about leaving, still havent left. Seems like its taking forever, but that doesnt mean I believe it anymore then I did the day I found out I got into Santa Clara. I've started packing, gonna print out some pics for my dorm, down to the last few people to say bye to. Its really real, yet more so unbelievably surreal. As I let go, and say bye to some of the people that hurt the most, I have to remember it is a transition. I love knowing that with most people, the ones who matter so so so much, nothing will change, i will come home and they will be my best friends. Its hard knowing with others things will change. It is a transition, a new part of my world, its not heartbreak, its not goodbye, and I am about to embark on the journey of my dreams. So, I'm gonna try my very best to be excited, even after you leave and I am wishing you were here. Excited for you, excited for me. Cause this is soooo exciting. And I cannot wait for every moment. This leaving thing, as much as its been prolonged, I have been living every moment to the fullest like I never have before, getting the most mileage out of my time, spending quality time with people I wouldn't otherwise. Its a nice feeling. Then Im gonna go to school and do the same. Its gonna be great. GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT!

College, Elementary School, a journey, not a destination

And again, another post about college, because getting there is this long drawn out process, one friend at a time saying goodbye til it finally gets to me.  Yesterday I spent the day with Liv, our last real day together before she leaves Tuesday.  My best friend since 8th grade, despite all the rough spots we hit, we have been best friends, we have laughed and cried and pretty much felt it all together.  Ya I have my Leadville crew, and so many others, but Liv was the one I experienced every piece of high school with, in some way, shape or form.  The drama, the boys, the dances, the games, the bad and good moments, the fights, all of it was with Liv, and we are going to college, both to a place we have dreamed of, far far away where we can be nothing but ourselves, both on the West Coast but still too far, its hard to let her go, even if we havent had tons of time together lately, we had each other when we needed each other most, and all the rest of the time. Agh, I dunno how to let go, I hope we can hold on tight.  I need her, I love her, and I will so dearly miss her. It's weird, her leaving is super real and super far away and next time I see her will probably be Thanksgiving or Christmas or something far away, yuck. So the whole way home last night I just thought about her leaving and everyone else leaving and how weird and real it is, and how its always been this far away surreal thing, its not actually supposed to come true. Wow!

Then tonight I sat on the couch with my 10 year old cousin who is in 5th grade and was brought right back to elementary school, the world of differences and reminded how old I am, how far away yet in some ways how just yesterday that feels.  While she read to me I thought of the simplicities that at times seemed so complexed, the complete difference in priorities and your view on the world. Fifth grade was such a different world, she is so grown up yet so much younger, and sooner then she knows it she will be where I am wondering what happened and how she got here. And I will be 26 wondering the same thing.  Time, I tell you its the craziest thing.  Find someone to take you back, to 2 or 8 or 10 or 15, whatever it is, remember it.  Cause this is good, and that was good, and its all worth feeling and remembering, cause its all life.  

And, I feel like I'm running out of time, she feels like she has all the time in the world cause she's not transitioning, and all I'm doing is transitioning, into a new stage, that sooner then later will feel like its all that matters, so really I have all the time in the world, and life, somehow, whatever is meant to be, just like we said, will figure its self out.  Cause what's the fun in knowing what's meant to be, its all about the journey, the destination shouldn't even be a thought.  To me, it seems its all a journey, with absolutely no destination, cause as soon as you think you get where your going, you have somewhere else to go and another change to make, so what's the point in wondering where you'll end up, when every minute of every day you are where you'll end up, and tomorrow and the next day and for the next however many years, you'll be where you going, and you'll still be on your way.

Its really real

   I'm not sure how we got here, I really cant quite fathom the in between, it seemed so quick, so like it just happened.  But we are here, most people left to school Thursday, Zachy goes back tomorrow and its all so incredible real.  As I toured Elyse's new house, watched Molly move into her dorm and tomorrow will help Zachy move back to his home, I realize how we really truly are grown up.  We are taking a step into a new world, all a big step, yet each our very own.  Its starting to hit that I am leaving, that i will be thousands of miles away and things are gonna change dramatically.

  I have always been the one sooo excited for college, and dont get me wrong I cant freaking wait, I would start packing today if I had more time.  But wow, I have lived in this little town my entire life, never moved houses, had the same group of best friends since day care, and have become so used to the familiar face and love of a small town.  Even in Summit, we all know each other, we may not be close, yet I know your name, and you know mine and if I saw you in a crowded room millions of miles away I would feel a little piece of home.  And now its time to let go, start over, and meet all new friends.  I know I will find the community I have found here, and in Summit, but its a whole new beginning.

I'm scared out of my mind to be far away from Zach, Ese, Chels, Dave, even Will.  Before I could come see you guys preety often or youd come home to ski, now I am so far away and its going to become even less regular.  I'm not worried that anything will change or we will grow apart, I'm just scared of how much I will miss the hugs, the late nights, you guys showing me your world and the ropes.  I will miss every minute we have together so much. You are my family and its gonna be a whole different thing being miles and miles away.

After I said bye to Molly I drove away and started to think, this group I have formed hasnt been around long, but camping, and they day with the girls reminded me how much I love you all and how convenient it is to have friends to hang out with whenever.  We have had so many adventures, and seen all the good and bad of highschool together.  And now we go our seperate ways, but its so awesome, and there is so much good to come. And guess what, we have skype and cell phones and facebook so there is no reason to loose contact.

Zachy is leaving tomorrow, he has been the only one who has been physically here for the last 18 years, even if he was away for a year.  I am scared out of my mind to be away from him.  I will miss you every minute of every day, just like I did last year.  You are my right hand man, my best friend, my brother, my everything and I honestly dunno how next year will be without you nearby.  Thank you for getting me here. I love you more then life. And everyone else to you the same....heres to a new step.  Wow, its exciting, its crazy and its so incredibly real.

highschool, you, me, college, free

I was never the cool kid in high school, freshmen and sophmore year really actually sucked, then junior year I finally started to find my place.  Still I wasnt part of the in crowd, senior year I finally found my crew and couldnt have been happier in our own seperate world.  We didnt go to the big parties or do the same stuff they did.  I was totally content.  Of course I knew them all, lots of their stories, all of their reputations, but forever there will be so much I didnt know.

  

Last night we decided to go out on a whim and go to the end of summer party, I figured why not, most these people I will never ever see again, and wow that is true. I'm really glad I went, and ya there are some people I was sad to say goodbye to, but for the most part I just feel like I am a completely different world.  As so many of you go to school at CU and CSU and will probably see each other a lot, I am going far far away, to a place most of you have never heard of.  To a place where there will be no preconceived views of me, their will be nothing for them to judge me off of, I will have every chance to be me, and exactly who I want to be, its a clean slate and I am so excited.

It was weird driving away, thinking to myself, these are the people I saw everyday, shared classes with, shared distant experiences with and had a view from a distance of who you were, and really barely felt a ping of sadness to drive away.  This sounds like I'm heartless, like I dont care, like I'm a selfish secluded jerk, but really I think its only because I am me, my own.  I am confident in who I am and who I have become and where I am going.  There was not one moment when I felt uncomfortable last night, I was happy to be there. Yet, I know there is so much ahead, and most of you, who on both ends we have never taken the time to barely say hello let alone get to know each other, I feel no attachment.  And i wish those people luck, do great things, change the world, and maybe someday our paths will meet again.

Of course there are others who will sting down to the core, people who I will miss daily, and think about all the time. But I know we are going places that are good, we are gonna be ok apart, and this is a time to grab on and enjoy the ride :)

August 14th- time, emotions...life

     What if everything in life was defined by dates and times, your emotions, your relationships...everything.  Today is one week and one day since my world changed, a month minus one day before I fly out to school, a month and four days before I get to school, A little over two weeks since Young RYLA ended...hmm.  I feel like in some way shape or form people try to make dates define things, like...its been a year why do you still care, or a month will fly by...I dont know.  I just feel like I'm thinking about time.  The five or so months I spent happily with someone who changed my world, and the two weeks in which that all changed.  The last 18 years, or 5 years that I've been with these people who are now family, the ones who start to leave now and go off onto their own new adventures in 6 days.  I dunno...time is weird, it heals, it changes, its life...and its mind boggling right now.

  

   It's a funny time...people leaving, me staying, life changing, learning, growing, every day but right now I just feel stuck, or in a holding pattern.  I'm not leaving yet, my head is not in transition mode but its time to say good bye to some people, some I'll see before I leave, others I'll keep in touch with, and some I may never speak to again, there are already people who I have lost touch with, people who made a difference by simply making me smile and showing me they cared.  It's weird, I wanna go if they are going, I dont wanna be left behind. Maybe thats it, the last two years I'm the one who stayed while Dave, Will, Zachy, Ese, Chelsey, Katie they all left and I sat back and watched, maybe it's a similar feeling, but I am so happy that i get to go too.  I have one month, it will come so soon, and I am sooo excited. But despite all the exciting its a little scary.

   I'm not sure I've actually faced the reality that I will be hundreds and thousands of miles away from so many people, almost everyone.  I'm scared to leave Zachy and Ese and Liv and Chels and Dave and Katie and Steph and Catie and soooo many people.  I know that some people, the ones who are closest will last through everything, but there are some I am scared wont last.  Sigh..weird, weirder then most things I've felt.

    And there are so many people who have left footprints on my heart, there are so many people that matter more then I could ever put into words, that I am so lucky to have met and shared a piece of my life with.  These footprints, they will never go away, they will go with me for the rest of my life.  Like Andy said "I may not remember the people or the places but I will always remember the feeling they gave me"...I will and I will hold onto each and every one of you forever and for always through the feelings, because despite what people think defines them, their world, to me its emotions.  They guide me through every minute, and make ups and downs, and make me human...and ya know, thats kinda a big deal to be human ;).

    Tonight I'm missing the past, sometimes I get in a place where I dont want things to change, I want to hold on so tight to the good feelings, the ones that make me the crazy me I am, the ones that are the sunshine in the temperamental weather of life.  I miss you, I miss that feeling, I miss where we used to be, I miss the parts of life that seemed perfect and flawless even when everything else wasnt, I miss the feelings.  And sometimes I just wanna do what I've done and lay in bed and bawl my eyes out, cause sometimes feeling it makes me feel more real, more alive and lets me get past it.  But sometimes I need to come back to life, and grab on to the feelings that I know are coming, the feelings that are somewhere deep down every moment, whether they are taking the stage or being hidden by other feelings that hurt, I know there is sooooo much good to come. And I cannot wait, I'm so ready to grab onto another stage, grab onto something that is gonna stretch my world, my mind, my heart, and give me new feelings, good and even bad. Cause how else do I know that I'm alive.