Home

Ahhhh home. The sweetness of silence, the fire flickering next to me and snow falling outside. Every time I come home it is the catalyst of lots of reflection, emotion, questioning, feels, good and sometimes hard. I'd like to think that its a pretty normal holidays at home kinda thing.

 Its been a full two weeks at home. Starting with time with friends and babies in Fort Collins- playing with Soy Bean, getting caught up on the things I've missed, one quick stop at home and then back to FoCo for a super fun night out of laughing, reminiscing, playing games and delving into the big life things we don't have enough time to talk about.  Then Kylie, Jes and Cooper came. We had a few sweet sweet days of slow mornings, ski days, and time with family friends at night. It felt balanced, whole and so much like home. There are things about this little town that are so unique- friends that are family, that have been around as long as I can remember, that know things about me that I don't and that show up at all hours and gather around the table like no time has past. Days at Ski Cooper felt like when we were little, the whole family piled in, mom in watching Coop, doing what is so familiar and what was our life for so many years. The snow kept falling making it even more of a perfect winter wonderland and we soaked in our time watching Coop walk around the house, marvel at the Christmas tree, look out the snowy windows. So so special.

Then another pile into the car after some last minute present wrapping, coffee cake making and packing up for our big family Christmas in Grand Junction. It was chaos as usual- the good kind of chaos when everyone comes back together and all talks at once and we laugh and clink glasses, open presents, catch up on the year and be together. Its cool to see how the cousin relationships shape and form as we grow up. Ive been relishing in the way families change lately- its neat to know how we grow and evolve together, and how when your family is forever there's just no way it can stay stagnant. Cooper's first Christmas was overwhelming for him- he was very much indulged as much of the family hadn't met him yet and the rest are just excited to have a baby in the family again. His favorite toy was the wrapping paper roll and he strolled around exploring all there was to see- and brought lots of extra joy to our hearts, making me excited for all the Christmas's to come. We had some hard conversations about the way our family is changing in more painful ways. Grandma's getting old, minds are changing, we need each other in new ways.  I was fine at first.. then suddenly there were tears streaming down my face and my brother was by my side consoling me- knowing me and the right things to say so well- same way he has all 23 years of my life.

I couldn't quite articulate what was hurting so much- I think its a lot. I'm a bit like a sponge and have always been called sensitive- Im slowly learning what sensitive means. So so aware of everyones emotions, of the tensions, the hurt, the pain that is keeping us from showing up for one another. Of the ways I want my mom and her siblings to be able to be in this together rather than struggling in their own relationships as they deal with the stress of loosing their mom. Again its totally normal but I think its so hard to see the ways hard things break us down sometimes, put distance in important relationships rather than reminding us how important it is to band together. I want to band together- I want the world to band together instead of create us and them, rich and poor, powerful and weak- I want us to see how alike we all are- how much we all want love, life, happiness, health rather than separating and each dealing from our own wounds. Its the Social Worker, bleeding heart, sensitive soul in me that left me in tears- which is going to make me good at whatever I do- but as I keep coming back to sometimes its paralyzing, it leaves me lost in my emotions, hurt and overwhelmed by the pain of the people around me rather than able to carry it with grace. And of course in your own family thats even harder.

I think maybe home is such a catalyst for reflection because its the place where change is the most obvious. Change in the people and things that I come home to and change in myself. A lot is changing. I guess a lot is always changing but especially amongst my friend group- it used to be winter break was weeks of hanging out together. Now there are jobs and significant others and babies- and its all exciting and amazing but its different. And my family is changing- we have new lives and old lives, new people, new dynamics- and again so much of it is incredible and beautiful. And the hope that comes in the one constant that is change and evolving is really amazing- but it also asks our hearts to stretch.

This last semester was one that stretched me. I really feel like I am in a place of trying to figure out who I am in this world. Studying Theology and Social Work- not being able to articulate that to all the people I love without feeling judged or misunderstood, and even more importantly not even fully being able to settle into and understand it myself. I think most times when Ive come home my identity has sat strongly in something- in living in El Salvador, going to Santa Clara, whatever it might have been. And now- I am not 1000% sure about where I am at- I mean in some ways I am, but its not some simple, yes this makes so much sense sort of thing. It is pulling and pushing and leaving my brain running, nights up trying to make sense of it all. Which is so good- but leaves for a little bit of a rocky ground to stand on when I come home to all sorts of change that sometimes I am distant from when I am not here seeing it in the flesh.

Theres something freeing about realizing these things- that I am a sensitive sponge that feels the hurt of the people closest to me just like that of the world. That I so want people to take care of each other- in my own little circles and across the globe. And that right now is a time of figuring out a lot... and not knowing that much. I can hang out in the gray.. I have a core that keeps me stable even when the ground Im walking on is shaky.

And I am beyond grateful for the things about home that fill me with nostalgia and comfort- ski days, fire places, moms cooking, friendships that have lasted forever and family that at its core is love and trying to find its way in this world too. Cheers to home, holidays, change, comfort and finding our way in this world.

A semester of movement and becoming

So.. I finished my first semester of grad school. All my finals are turned in, books are returned and we had an amazing, joy and gratitude filled weekend of celebrating and am heading home for a much awaited break with my family and friends. I can't even believe this semester is over- and when I reflect back on it my head starts spinning. It has been four very full months. Full in hours spent reading and writing, new people met, city explored, fun and adventure had but the thing that feels fullest about it are the constant movements and wrestling im my heart. It has been a semester full of questions- my heart feels tired from all the asking, struggling and stretching. And full from some of the new insights, the love, the continued becoming and the prospect of this break to let it all marinate.

So.. A few of the things I've been wrestling with this semester

1. HOPE. Ooof that's a doozie. I am a fairly optimistic, positive, hopeful human. And that has been challenged this semester in more ways than I can explain. Coming home from El Salvador to the US is always a shock to the system and that definitely played a huge part in it. Last year in the midst of deep suffering I found hope in the deep resilience, faith and hope of the women I was surrounded by who were always sure God was with them working for something better. Unlike me they don't need to be convinced that God is with them and working in ways we can't see. Coming back I've felt distant from that spirit of hope and overwhelmed by the disconnect between these worlds. Disheartened by how easy it is for wealth and power to seduce us into forgetting about the huge portion of our world living in deep poverty and suffering. My classrooms feel far away from reality. The institutional church sometimes feels like a total hypocrite. And the reality of suffering in this world is too big- so I have felt hopeless too many times. Recently I am trying to come back into that hope- trusting in something bigger than myself- all the other committed individuals whose hearts are broken, the movements, the eye opening and protesting of the way things are that is happening and a power and love that moves through this world in ways I cannot understand and imagine. I'm so very in touch with what's wrong in the world that it's hard to focus on what's right without fear of lying to myself. But I am also surrounded by such good souls and trying to believe that being here is right, that all this reflecting is brewing in me action that will make change and that this is all beyond me.

2. Women.. I think (hope) that it is impossible to study theology at a Catholic institution as a woman and not end up spending a lot of time trying to understand the role of women in the Church. And in the world. The most spirit filled, loving, joyful, hopeful part of my time here has been the strength, wisdom, motivation of the women I am surrounded by. Friendships that have been built on the basis of a deep longing to be valued equally that brings us together. I am so grateful for sisterhood, and equally sad that sisterhood is so very important and often formed around feeling the pain of being seen as less than. I hope that the world and the Church continue to open it's eyes to the perspective, love, depth and goodness it is missing out on by being so male centric.

3. Race. My desire to dig deeper in my understanding of race started a few months back in my diversity class when I started really looking at my own bias and got back in the privilege conversation. Again wondering what I, as a white, privileged, educated woman was called to do about our country that is so deeply failing non white populations. As of late it is impossible to not be thinking about. All I can say is it's heart breaking and absolutely not ok. We have to keep opening our eyes, we have to each choose to make the well being of each other our responsibility and we have to keep asking the powerful to do the same. The explosion of media attention to racism in our country gives me hope- my Facebook feed is full of people crying out against injustice, asking for change- but I also know there are many people who are not in the conversation- or still do not see the depth of the problem. That side of it is so disheartening. My roomates and I watched the video of Eric Gardner's death- and there is no denying the injustice that happened in that moment, that is part of a problem that is so rooted in the structures of our country and has caused such pain and fear for people we live side by side with. We have to engage with the emotions of all this- the pain of the families who have lost loved ones, the fear of young black boys, we have to be honest with ourselves, look at privilege and commit ourselves to the little things we can do to challenge the status quo.

4. My place in this world... It has been hard to be in a classroom talking about suffering and injustice this semester. I spent many nights awake imagining all the ways I could be giving to this world, on the ground, with the people acting not thinking. I had a few crises about why I decided to come to school instead of just getting into the fight... And am starting to see that the restlessness is bigger than simply studying theology, being in the US, in a classroom or whatever other classification- it is a restlessness that I am likely going to experience to some extent for the next 2 and 1/2 years. And I thought about running away from it- jumping ship and finding a different way to live right now. But I think it is a gift to be restless, to be struggling, asking questions, having this time to keep learning, growing and feeling the despair, frustration and depth of not right in this world while cultivating skills to give to this world better, hope to carry me in whatever work I end up doing and to keep toying with ideas of what that will look like. I'm trying to learn to have patience and trust in the journey- to let the brewing and discomfort marinate and continue inside me- things are moving and I am continuing to become everyday.

There is so much more- but that's a lot. And have been the things that keep me up at night. I have learned so much and am leaving overflowing with grattitude and peace. I had the best weekend with my friends- dancing, drinking tea, having late nights and lazy mornings, reminiscing on the semester and soaking up our time together. Community is so important to me- and I am so lucky to have built such a strong one already here. This is the first time in a long time I've said see ya soon to a community I get to come back to instead of goodbye and starting a new one. Such an amazing gift.

And I'm headed home to yet another community who had nourished me forever. I am so excited to be there- with my family of friends and to see my sweet little man and family of family :) I dunno how I got so lucky. 

UCA Vigil, Affect and Intellect

Blogs on blogs on blogs- my brain is exploding and right now I'm not sure what else to do with all these thoughts and questions other then to blog.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how we are here studying all those things and how important it is to be engaging with both intellect and affect- our brains and our hearts. My life tendency has always been one of affect and heart before intellect and brain. Which makes me who I am, lets me love so deeply, engage with the world in a way that has transformed me- but also, sometimes can be problematic and maybe most importantly is sometimes lacking the backing I need to make the change in this world I so deeply want to make. This means two things right now... one: it is physically impossible for me to not engage in all that I am learning with my heart.. I am slowly learning to be less of an emotional rollercoaster and keep the tears from filling my eyes during class but I will forever feel my heart palpatating and breaking as I am learning about the reality of our world, our understanding of God and the connection between it all. Secondly, this learning to engage with life from a place of intellect is really important for me.

Sunday is the 25th anniversary of the Jesuits, their house keeper Elba and her daughter Celina in El Salvador because of their commitment to justice for the poor and innocent of their country in the face of the US supporting the military in brutally killing those who were standing up for equality. It is also the 15th anniversary of the Casa, started by Tre and Kev to commemorate their lives and further their legacy of educating with intellect and affect in the context of poverty and injustice.

I am currently writing a paper about Ignacio Ellacuría- one of those six Jesuits who were killed who was the President of the University of Central America at the time. His theology was one of giving responsibility to the people who cause the great amount of suffering and marginilization in our world today and calling about action against this injustice, a continued fight for the equality through our words, actions and lives. He cited Jesus' life and mission as the cause of his death because of the powerful who were threatened by that, and thus the call of the crucified people- of all of us- today to stand up against the powerful who are causing such great oppression. His philosophy and theology are super intellectual and take me sometime to dig into and understand- but are important for me to understand- not necesarilly because I need to understand how thats all connected to call me to continue doing what I want to do. But more so because I think too often if we only engage from a place of intellect we miss the point- we can stay in our warm libraries and coffee shops writing papers about suffering and God but not actually be with the people and put it all into action. Yet if I can engage both maybe I can have some credibility in convincing the world that we MUST be putting this all into action. In my paper I have to write a criticism- I think that sometimes we walk a fine line of glorifying suffering and the lives of those who are suffering being full of hope and "salvation" and closeness to God- which is true BUT we have a responsibility to make a change and they are put in this situation because of structural injustices and no matter how strong, hopeful, loving and out of these world these people are- it is not ok that they suffer in this way- EVER.

Today at the UCA is a day of celebration- a soccer tournament, alfombra making and tonight mass and the vigil for the martyrs. It is an absolutely amazing day and the energy that fills the University grounds is absolutely incredible. One of remembrance, hope, responsibility, carrying forward the torch that the martyrs left us. The first time I went something huge moved in me.. I'll never forget standing there surrounded by people I love feeling so inspired to make something of my life, to keep fighting for the justice, love and equality the martyrs died for.

I have been in El Salvador on this day for the past three years- and not being there today hurts my heart. I love it so much, it fuels me the community, reality, honesty and energy. The mass is always one of the few that I fully understand and that is so real- talking about how bad things are with a deep undertone of motivation to make change. I don't think we do that enough here.

I wrote this the night of the vigil last year

"I felt the same things I have each time- this renewed appreciation for this program and why we are here. A deep love for this country and it's history. An overwhelming feeling of connectedness- But also an overwhelming feeling of disappointment and fear for this world, which comes from the honesty of the homily. But also so much hope- such a desire to give and do something real. To work against the suffering and injustice in this world. Such a radical call to a life with the poor- not one of gated communities, luxury cars and shopping malls that let us turn our back on the world- which is a hard, scary call- but one I want to follow"

So- in honor of the martyrs- and so many people in El Salvador who are inspired by their legacy- today I am writing about Ellacuría with a candle lit and Salvadoran music playing, going to pupusas and trying to marinate in what the martyrs and people of El Salvador do so well- a deep, heart breaking and challenging honesty about what's not right in the world AND a hope, inspiration and faith in something that this fight is worth fighting and things will change. Today I was at a talk and she reminded us of the importance of doing things even if we can't see the results- doing them for the people who come after us. Of imagining that SOMEDAY, today, tomorrow things are shifting and will shift.. and the lives taken for peace 25 years ago are still fueling a living faith and commitment to a better world.

I am grateful that engaging with the intellect brings tears to my eyes, images of people I love, stories, moments and so much engagement with my heart. And I have to keep remembering that these years of studying are going to help me give to this world better as much as I can continue to engage with my heart too, with both sides- connect the two worlds that sometimes seem so far apart- just as the martyrs taught us to do.

"Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between ChurchTeaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"

I cant sleep.. so I'm gonna tell you about it. I'm hesitant to come here with a topic as blazing as this and as related to my theology studies as this- it feels risky. But it also feels really important and genuine to me. And important to my formation of learning to articulate and stand for what I believe- and this is a safe space to do that. There is so much in this post that is missing- parts of the Catholic Church that are responding to this issue so much better, arguments that are so much fuller, experiences that are complex and painful- but this is just a little piece of my heart tonight.

Tonight there was an event at the School of Theology and Minisry (STM)- one of my two homes on BC's Campus called "Conversations that Matter: Navigating the Tension Between Church Teaching, and Pastoral Presence in the LGBTQ Experience"

Growing up this was a non negotiable. I think I was in 6th grade or something crazy when I started arguing for the rights of the LGBTQ population, wrote a paper about it in 8th grade and spent plenty of time arguing about it. Mom just taught me all love was love- or maybe she didn't have to teach me- it's just in the air we breath. And for years that was my anti religion, anti Catholicism sound track- if the Church says that the people I love who are in same sex relationships can't get married then I will stay far far away.

Now I'm studying Theology- grappling with who God is, what the Church teaching says and why and how all of that matters to us everyday. I never thought I'd find myself here- but its quite connected with the young girl who was taught all love was love and that if the Church disagreed then no way was I going to be a part of that. This is one of so many reasons that Im here. Because I really don't think its right and there are so many things that the Institutional Church does that I don't think are right- but I have also found a lot of things that make that same Church a welcoming home for reflection, loving better and fighting for social justice. Yet it leaves me spiraling trying to understand how there can be such a strong disconnect.

One of my amazing friends here started out the conversation tonight. She talked about how in creation their is diversity and that is of God and therefore good, how sexuality is a part of human nature and loving more deeply/entering into a more intimate and spiritual relationship with the other, how binary language and concepts function in so many ways that are hurtful and evil and that being in a same sex relationship has brought her joy and flourishing and cannot be seen as her "cross to bear". Then we heard the opposite opinion- sex is intended for procreation, we are biologically complementary as female and male and we should be careful which crosses to take from people because our suffering is salvific.

Ooof. Grant me eloquence and patience.

I think we are limiting human beings immensely if we are saying the whole of love and relationships is simply to create offspring. This is coming from a woman who has dreamt of being a mom since I was two- trust me I want to carry babies and birth them and love them with all of my being. But I don't believe all people are called to be parents, I don't believe all people are prepared to be parents and I sure as hell don't believe that simply being in a opposite sex relationship that produces off spring necessarily always brings greater love into the world- so much pain is caused by parents who are not ready to be parents, who do not have the support they need, who are broken down by the suffering in their lives.

And SO much beauty, goodness, and all sorts of creation that is not simply offspring comes from strong, mutual, loving relationships. One of the other panelists responded asking about infertile couples- the church doesn't tell them- "well your relationship is worthless so you must give up".. of course not! In fact we tell them they must stay married and hope for some miracle and be happy with all of it.  I could talk about the scarily high number of children without homes, families, a safe space to grow up that need to be adopted into loving families, and also of the beauty of technology that allows same sex couples to have babies with their own genes too. There is SO much about that argument that makes me reel.

Then there is the cross- which is something that I could talk about forever. This idea that our suffering leads us to strength, salvation, closeness to God. That there is meaning in our suffering. Dear world, it is time to stop saying that. Suffering is painful and wrong and no loving God wants her people to be in pain. Yes we overcome suffering, yes some of my greatest strengths come from the process of overcoming pain- but also many of my biggest challenges come from that- and the God I believe in who loves us unconditionally has no desire for us to suffer. Beyond me there are millions of people in our world who are suffering incredible structural and societal injustices of poverty, violence, war and when we apply meaning to suffering we run the terrible risk of allowing there to be some belief that suffering is deserved or part of Gods plan. I just don't believe that. Not one bit.

The other panelists talked about some of the statistics of pain caused by these teachings. The rate of Homeless LGBTQ youth, their increased attempts of suicide, bullying, violence and the 10 million people who have left the Catholic Church BECAUSE of this issue. One of the most important things I am learning in my classes is that language functions. Knowing only a white, male, all powerful God has incredible implications across the world for women who internalize an idea of subordination. The Church's teaching that same sex intimacy and marriage is "intrinsically disordered" "against nature" or a number of other words for wrong is making people feel unwelcome, causing bullying, suicide and violence. And if we do not own that we need to "take a long hard look at the real".

To me being Catholic is about "taking people down from their crosses" as liberation theologists would say: i.e. relieving people's suffering, fighting for a better reality NOW, believing that we are all so loved, so delighted in and so whole in the eyes of God, the universe, the spirit and that what God wants for us is fullness of life, liberation and love. Which we are not giving to the LGBTQ population.

Despite the majority of the room being on the same page as me I left tonight's event feeling frustrated. Because the privileged, males (many of which are white) who have the power in our Church- are not engaged in sexually intimate relationships and somehow are able to distance themselves from the people on the ground- are the ones making the decisions. And despite the fact that I am surrounded by incredibly smart, theologically sound people who believe homosexual love is the same love as any other love- the Church and so many people and institutions across the world are still finding ways to say "God loves you BUT" to a huge percentage of the population.

Just like questions of inequality and suffering in El Salvador I sometimes get lost in the injustice. My heart feels tormented by the fact that we are so far from what I believe all this theology and God stuff is about. And in some ways I am so grateful for that feeling of unsettled questioning, really just not ok with it that has formed within me. It keeps me honest and pushes me to stand up, use my voice and fight for something different. But I also get paralyzed by it and overwhelmed with a fear of how do we get past these big brick walls of tradition that seem to be so distant from the human experience of so many of the people I love who love the Church and continuously struggle to reconcile that with their LGBTQ identity.

And that torment, frustration and complete awe at the arguments of the Institutional Church. Thats why Im here. Because I found a home in the Church, I found an inspiration to fight for justice and have seen the hope and love so many others have found in the Church. And I will not stop hoping that someday there will be a home for everyone in the Church if they want it. And that the teachings and language of the Church will do what they claim to be about- extending love and forgiveness- rather than causing hurt, violence and exclusion.

Remembering: Niña Santos' Uphill Walk

I've been meaning to start a new blog "series" called Remembering... for my heart, for my Salvadoran family, for the world.  Today... I want to remember Niña Santos, Mami Santos, the catalyst of so much of my experience in El Salvador.

Santos is a strong, petite woman who's face wears years of giving, working too hard, getting up too early, walking up and down the hill to get to work, accepting too much because "asi es la vida" and worrying too much about all of the people she loves. She has a family of 8 who she will never stop working for, who she loves and struggles with and for everyday, and who is the pride of her existence. She has 3 grandkids and even when she is the most exhausted and worn down the way she looks at them and takes care of them shows how deeply this woman loves.

Santos is the cook at Cedro- the community center where I spent my days as a student and was lucky to go back to last semester once a week. She knows every kids name, their story, their mom and what they need. She has a million and one responsibilities and keeps going- no matter how exhausted she is or how poorly she is being treated.  Almost stoic in the face of so much pain she is a pillar of strength-unstoppable, walking slowly but with such sturdiness and grace up and down the hill "porque los ninos tienen que comer" She told us that when the rains were pouring down during our time as students. There was no question that she would walk 45 minutes up the barely walkable, muddy hill in the freezing, muddy rain- because the kids had to eat and she would not let go of her responsibility to get these kids food- because she loves them with all of her being, and she knows how much they hurt and how much they rely on her to be there everyday and give them some nourishment, some sense of stability when everything else is falling apart.

But sometimes it feels like her life is falling apart. Her son was stabbed. Her daughter moved out. Her husband lost his job, hurt his foot and can't find new work. Everyone falls- and Santo's keeps standing up. And in her eyes we saw a brokeness, a hurting that connected to something inside of us. And we were so lucky to share some special moments where she could put down all of her work- sitting for a few minutes while we cleaned the dishes, or on a walk to a house and tell us about her pain. How she worries about her boys on their way into the city to work. She's not sure if they will finish school. If her daughter will get pregnant. How she will put enough food on the table. And when she lets out her suffering then you get to see the depth of her joy. The moments we caught her eye at the table- laughing quietly at some ridiculous thing happening. Or the smile when she heard her grandkids calling her, or when we did something ridiculously incorrect and impolite because our spanish was off. And all of her pain and joy and love for everyone she meets would exude from her face. And then she would hug us- and we could feel it all- universes of life, pain, fear, hopes and joy between us- held in a hug. She took us in, loved us so well and sometimes let us love her- rub her tense back, bring her coffee, clean the dishes for her.

Santo's is part of the reason I am here. Because as a woman she gets treated as less. Because she is uneducated she is treated as less. Because she works harder than most people I know and still struggles to put food on the table. Because her idea of God is one that is with her everyday in her suffering, yet she cannot talk about her womanliness, the struggles she is experiencing in her marriage, with her boss who is a nun- because she has less of a voice, fewer opportunities, more struggles but works as hard and loves as deeply as any of the rest of us. She walks back up the hill three nights a week to be with her Christian Base Community- where they read the bible and find comfort in the God who is with them, not abandoning them but accompanying them. And even though she has been poor her whole life, treated as less and struggled to survive, she still keeps walking up that hill, fighting for her kids, because she is committed to something better- something more for them than she had.

Sometimes I get so paralyzed by the suffering in the world- especially when I am far away from it. It is so easy for us to forget about the realities of poverty and inequality. And I wonder how I will keep fighting when it seems like it will continue to be hard, unequal, unjust and in my life time there will still be poverty, inequality and violence.

We have been talking about a perspective of abundance around here lately. Trying to imagine that the universe, God, whatever you want to call it- is generous and loving enough that there is enough love, life, food, justice to go around- and creative enough to make things better. And in the midst of one of my rants about how we can just simply say "May the Peace be With You" and hug each other not being fully in touch with how many people are living in a state of fear and violence- how can this be enough? How can anything be enough? Claire asked- "How can we have a perspective of abundance when things don't get better?"

Santos has this perspective of abundance. She finds light in the smiles of the kids and the comedor. Of her daughter continuing to study despite all of the barriers. Her sons working hard and trying to help her family. She holds onto the hope that there is in the little things rather than getting swallowed by the suffering. Because she has to. Unlike me she cannot get paralyzed by the suffering- because los niños tienen que comer- she has to keep walking up that hill.

And for Santos, I will keep walking up the hill. Keep remembering her suffering- especially when I feel like there is SO much abundance in my life and that is so unfair. I will remember the way she sees abundance, while continuing to marinate in the depth of her suffering and ask how and why our world can be so messed up- so that I continue to fight the uphill battle.

Here's to you Santos. Your love, your commitment, your pain and the hope that carries you up that hill- every single day.

Settled. Growing. Stretching. Deepening

Hi... I feel like a dog with my tail between my legs sometimes when I come back after so long away. I always want to write- and for whatever reason when I get out of the routine its hard to come back- someday Ill probably better understand what pulls me to or keeps me from writing. Often it is busy-ness- too much to put into words- but Im sure there are other things. I'm not always good at bringing confused thoughts to the table- especially if that is how I will reenter this little space. I often miss it though- and know how good writing is for my soul. And writing in a public way- it forces me to make sense of my thoughts, to share them, to make meaning of them outside of my head. And let me tell you- there is so much meaning to be made.

I have been in Boston for two months now- and time is the most mind boggling concept. In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday that we were fighting mattresses up our narrow stairs, sweating profusely on the 90+ degree move in day and eating Thai food on our floor for the first time. But in a lot of ways- it feels like so long ago- because oh so much has happened. I don't want to do a lot of summarizing but the first month was an emotional roller coaster. Maybe the first month and a half. Transitioning from both El Salvador and my summer with Coop, Jesse and Kylie, questioning my knowledge/worth/belonging in grad school which is a whole different ball game than undergrad and doing all of that in a new place with new people and so much new to learn- it was a lot. I shed a lot of tears- but they were good tears and I am the luckiest to share a home with women I know and love- who were there for the tears and the ups and downs. It stretched me a lot to be here and just took sometime to settle in.

Don't get me wrong- there are still ups and downs. I mean who are we kidding- thats life. BUT this weekend I just felt very very at home. We have met a group of women who are here for the same reasons, asking the same questions, coming from similar places and just all around good hearted who have become our closest friends. And the friendships don't feel new anymore. There is a stage of acquaintances, then of knowing which of those acquaintances will become real friends, and then the process of really moving past that new stage. And I feel so lucky for the ways we have so quickly moved beyond that- had hard conversations,  laughed uncontrollably, shared in the day to day, had fun nights out and really are starting to feel like a solid crew. I think real friends are what make a place feel like home more than any thing else. And this weekend we squeezed six bodies on our two couches and did hours of nothing together while reliving our super fun Halloween night and it felt like these women are my real friends. And that doing nothing together was such time well spent- deepening in those friendships and getting closer every minute. So grateful that there are such amazing people here and so excited to continue to learn about each other and be on this journey together.

Our home is a little oasis- one of the best living situations I have ever had with check ins and community nights and gatherings and endless amounts of love. Its everything I dreamed of and so helps me carry El Salvador and who I become there with me everyday. We ordered an air mattress yesterday because somehow we have managed to have guests from near and far every single weekend and decided that means we should probably have a better space for them. We laugh, we cry, we talk about everything under the sun- its the biggest gift I could ask for.

Sunday I sat on the bus home from meeting a family I will likely be babysitting for as it snowed outside eating Plantain chips (typical Salvadoran snack) and was reminded of this interesting feeling of having homes in so many places that I come upon again and again. I miss El Salvador every day and struggle to understand how I get to be here studying, warm, living such a luxurious life while the people I love so dearly can barely put food on the table. I try to remember that being there is how I ended up here and that these degrees are going to help me give myself more fully to making change in this world. But sometimes I feel so far away- and then there are moments where the worlds collide in big and little ways and I feel so grateful, so connected to both worlds. But really- I dont feel that enough. My classes are all talking about the reality of suffering I encountered there but I feel far away from it- and am continuing to figure out how to carry it.

I think my time here is really important for that- to keep finding ways to hold, carry, understand, be inspired by the suffering that I have encountered. I was just writing a paper about a theologan who talks about the importance of remembering and lamenting suffering rather than finding rational answers for it. A lot of what Im learning is that there are not answers- and somehow we have to find ways to live in that ambiguity and make sense of our every day lives, do what we can to create instead of destruct and fight against oppression instead of oppress all while holding onto some hope that there is something better we are working towards.

My brain has fireworks exploding everyday- I am learning so much. Gathering language for what I believe, imagining ways I will live and be in this world, gaining tools to make change, asking hard hard questions and feeling so inspired every day.

I know that its right for me to be here. Even though there are so many people and places that I miss. And its taken a while to feel settled. I feel settled. I feel like me. I feel myself growing and stretching and deepening. And I could not be more grateful.

A Manifesto for a New Chapter

I'm on the plane to Boston. The beginning of the flight I put my sweatshirt over my head and cried my little eyes out. Leaving Kylie, Jes and Cooper was really hard. Then I slept for a while and woke up to the most intense turbulence ever... And was telling myself we wouldn't crash, we're good at flying, while squeezing my eyes shut actually terrified I wouldn't make it to Boston. Then I started reading the book "In the Company of the Poor" And felt connected to El Salvador and my choice to go to BC for grad school. Most people don't know this but I'll be studying Social Work and Pastoral Ministry. I usually just say Social Work because I don't want to explain.. And would have never expected to be studying theology.. But here I go. Flying to Boston for a dual degree. 

As I read it reminded me so much how this decision came about. And that although leaving Cooper, Jes, Kylie and The Bay was really freaking heart wrenching it's so right that I am starting this new chapter. In El Salvador I came to understand Liberation Theology- a faith that acts for justice, that makes a preferential option for the poor, that is based in an understanding of God's love and our human responsibility to share that love and fight for justice. That just makes so much sense to me- so much more sense than how I understood the church for so many years pre SCU- judgmental, exclusive, hurtful, aloof. The church I want to be a part of is not like that. And the reason I decided to study Pastoral Ministry- where I will learn how to put faith and theological reflection into action is because I feel like too often the power of the church is used in hurtful ways. And there need to be more people fighting for the poor, for love, justice, equality. And really acting on a daily basis. Thus- Social Work and Pastoral Ministry. What feels like me the perfect combo to help me continue understanding the deep poverty and suffering I encountered in El Salvador, along with the hope, joy and faith that will forever motivate me to fight for something different. Cause the world is not right.

So- as I fly to Boston I am thinking about who I am, what I carry with me and how even though Theology school and the East Coast sometimes feel terrifying I know that I can handle it- and have become a woman who is ready and excited for this next step in this past amazing year of growth, love, challenges and reality. The Casa students write a manifesto towards the end of their time there.. Here is mine. 

I believe that the world is not right- that too many people have way too much, while so many more don't have enough. I believe we have a responsibility to be aware of what we have- and how our privilege, which comes from being born in a certain place, with a certain color of skin, gender, socioeconomic status, etc- is really intertwined in what other people don't have. I believe we have a terrifying ability to create boundaries in our heads- to be in our comfortable worlds and forget about the rest- and that is how these unequal and painful structures continue. 

But I also believe in love and hope and faith. I believe that a different reality is possible- and so many forces- here on earth in the flesh and some we will never know, see or understand are fighting against suffering. The Salvadorans taught me this in their commitment to life, constant struggle for something more and deep deep belief in a God who is with them. I believe that we can work together and find hope, progress and life in that. And while I will die before poverty and suffering are eliminated we can make a dent- a larger dent with the more people that are committed to working TOGETHER- to empowering ourselves and the oppressed to understand that we are ALL worthy of life, happiness, love, safety, health and dignity. 

I have a deep love for and commitment to Latin America. I know that there are so many parts of the world that are in need- but the personal connection I have fuels my fire, gives me hope and energy to keep fighting. And I love working together with people who's passion lies somewhere else, learning from them and the comradaree that comes in a common struggle for something better.

I want to work with women. I saw the pain, mistreatment, feeling of being forgotten, left behind and less than that women in El Salvador experience so deeply. And I know that women across the world feel that. I believe in fighting for equality- standing up against what the world tells women we should be. Joining forces with other women to remember we are more than our looks, our ability to take care of others, our endlessly hard working cores- we are more than what the idea of a woman is too often belittled too. We are strong, intelligent, loving, independent and we also need each other- we need love, care, affirmation, recognition for our souls, our brains, our hearts and our bodies too.

I believe in family. The ones who we share blood with and those we do not. I believe we need each other- we need to call people and receive phone calls just to say I love you. We need to show up. We need to laugh together, cry together and be vulnerable with each other. We need our pains and joys to be heard and affirmed. We need companions in this life. And we need to see each other, sacrifice for each other, listen to each other and have balanced give and take relationships. 

I believe in community. People to hold us accountable, make us laugh, remind us what is important in this world and bring about joy, hope and faith in times when the darkness in our world is overwhelming.

I believe in vulnerability. And believe that too often pride, fear, society- so many things get in the way of it. I spent so many years of my life convincing the world I was ok, my world was ok and I didn't need anyone. And boy was I wrong. I believe that if we were more honest about our pains, fears and needs we would be so much healthier. We would share the burden and take care of each other instead of hiding and turning to unhealthy vices to survive, to be ok, to fake it til we make it. I believe we should be honest when relationships aren't quite right, we should be honest when we aren't being our best, we should let our feelings show and feel them instead of always being strong and ok. And I believe that is so much easier said than done ;)

I believe every single one of us has a story and a universe inside of us. One filled with pain, joy, memories, people, hopes and fears that make us who we are and lead us to act how we do- sometimes in beautiful ways and other times hurtful ways. But I believe if we remember that everyone is coming from their own story and experiences we can all have more compassion- talk through these hurts and overcome painful patterns caused by painful pasts so that we can all live and love better. I believe in therapy to do that- I believe everyone should go and that the stigma around it is such a barrier to living life more fully.

I believe in spending time outside, soaking in fresh air and the beauty of this planet. I believe in putting my toes in the ocean, smelling flowers, skipping through fields and plunging in freezing cold water. I believe in exercise- because it nourishes my body, reminds me of my strength and ability- and also my weakness. I believe in good food. I believe that everyone should have access to all these things- and am heart broken that so many people don't.

I believe in God. A god that loves me unconditionally and loves every single person unconditionally. A god that wants me to fight to bring that love to everyone. A god that wants justice and needs people to be his/her hands and heart in making his/her dream a reality. I believe in a god that is not judgmental, that wants women to have equal opportunities in the church, that believes everyone has the right to love and marry whoever they want, that the poor deserve the upmost care, concern, love and empowering relationships to bring them out of suffering. That we are all equally deserving of love and life. That we don't mess up as much as the church/ bible say we mess up. That is forgiving. That is present. A god that is understood differently by every single person across the globe but is the same source of love, life and hope.

I believe in me. The suffering I have overcome. The courage I have had in doing that. My ability to love, create community, hold people's joys and sufferings and love with my whole heart. I believe in my decision to come to Boston- to study theology even though I am terrified I don't know enough. I believe in my experiences and relationships as deep knowledge. My love of learning and desire to understand. And I believe in my commitment to justice- love- life- equality for EVERY SINGLE person as enough to help me when I am lost in the next three years. I believe these degrees will help me better understand how to fight for justice and love. I believe in my voice, my ability to stick to and stand up for what I believe- to be radical and misunderstood in order to fight for the people I love. I believe I will hold tight onto the friendships I will be far away from. And the friendships I will make. I believe I deserve deep, equal, honest, healthy love. I believe in who I am coming into this new chapter and the growth that will cause continued becoming.

And I can't wait to see what the future holds. So- here's to goodbyes, terrifying flights, books and new chapters that make you think about who you are. Here's to a new adventure. To being courageous, honest, radical, brave and deeply loving. 

Dear Cooper

My sweet Cooper,

     Right now you are in my arms cuddling with Lamby and your blanket groaning. You always groan before you fall asleep.. It's like sleep is painful or you just have really bad F.O.M.O. We joke about it hoping you'll grow out of it before the kids can make fun of you. It's actually pretty adorable though. And snuggling with you right before you fall asleep is about the best thing in the world. Today I've had trouble moving you to your crib. My chances to snuggle with you while you sleep are limited.. Our summer together is coming to an end in just a couple days. And I can't believe how quickly my eyes fill with tears everytime I think about leaving you.

This summer with you has been such an incredible gift. And I feel the luckiest to have spent three months going for long walks, watching you grow and rolling around with you on the floor. When you were born in time for me to meet you before going back to El Salvador I was over the moon.. I needed to know you before leaving for four months. And before going to grad school for three years this summer has given me the chance to really get to know all your quirks and the complete joy that you are for this family. You are so perfect- funny, curious, inquisitive, joyful, smart, brave and charismatic as mama said a while ago. And you have filled my heart with so so much joy these past three months.

Watching you grow and learn has been so neat. When I first got here you were a completely different boy. Still a baby.. Now you are a little boy. This summer I have watched you learn to roll both ways. Take long naps in your crib. Sit up. Eat solid food. Start to babble your heart out. Fall in love with your Lamby. Give out endless smiles to everyone you meet. Giggle. Recognize people. And just recently pull yourself up to stand!  Your mommy and I talk about how you are the only baby we can both just watch for hours and hours and never get bored. Every facial expression, sound, movement and moment with you is mesmerizing, interesting and hillarious. I can't tell you how much joy you bring to our lives.

Some of my favorite Cooperisms are the way you will raise your eyebrows and smile when I look at you. The grin you greet me with every morning when mommy and daddy bring you out to me. Your giggle. The way you jump at every chance you can. In anyone's arms, on laps, when I hold your hands and you stand on the floor and in your jumpers. This new hilllarious thing you do when you puff out your cheeks, purse your lips and blow air out your nose- you look completely ridiculous and I laugh so hard everytime you do it. The huge grins you give me when we go for runs and I stop to check in on you and how very much you love to be outside. I love how cute you are in your footy pajamas and when your sleeves are rolled up and you look like a little man. The big grin you get when you swing. And lately how active, brave, and curious you are in crawling and pulling yourself up on things.

Another amazing part of this summer has been seeing how very very much your mommy and daddy love you. You are their whole wide world and they would give everything to make sure you are happy and healthy. Both of them were made to be parents and watching them with you has been so neat. Your daddy loves to take you outside with him, snuggle with you, watch you grow and learn and thinks you are so funny. Daddy gets to work from home a lot and loves coming out to hang out with you for a few minutes or having you come in and help him work. As you grow up he will have so many important things to teach you. He is the wisest most loving man I know and we are both so lucky to have him to look up to. Your mommy has the biggest soft spot in her heart for you and leaving you to go back to work was so so hard. She wants to be with you every minute and is spending lots of time trying to figure out the best way to do it. She too thinks you are so so funny. Snuggling with you is one of her favorite things and watching you jump, crawl and play too. I love to see you two reading books together when she comes home from work and when she gives you a bath you just love it. Both of them want to let you see the whole world, take you with them to the beach and the mountains and to play with friends. Your life will not have a lack of love and fun in it. But they also will have important rules to keep you safe. They both worry about you a lot and will always have your happiness and health as their first priority, I can see how deeply they love you everytime they look at you. You are really lucky to have absolutely incredible parents. They really wanna be the best parents possible and are so ready to learn and grow with you. They also make the best team and always take turns with you even though they both want every minute with you. Most the time they agree on exactly how to be your parents and when they don't they compromise and each of their opinions creates the perfect balance. They are the best!

There are so many people in this world that love you Coop. You have a big family of cousins and aunts and uncles on both sides who just wanna squeeze you. You are lucky you get to spend so much time with family and with all of mommy and daddy's awesome friends. You stole the hearts of all my friends too and everyone loves following #onedaywewillrootforcoop.The hashtag that mommy and daddy's friend Emily came up with and is full of cute pictures of you.

Sometimes I see your uncle Eric in you. I don't have my own memories of him but I think you look like his baby pictures. Mama says sometimes she catches you talking to him. I think he's probably a part of you and always there watching out for you just like your Grampy Skip.

We have taken a few trips to Tenesse Valley beach where you like to play with the dark pebbly sand and watched a kite fly the other day. We go to the library sometime for story time where you are so curious about the other kids. We pretty much always stay in our pajamas longer than is socially acceptable but we love our cozy mornings. You have made my runs much more enjoyable and know the Mill Valley path so well- even though lots of times you like to nap while we run. More than anything else we have spent hours waking down Sycamore into downtown where we go to the depot or window shop, go to Old Mill park and meet lots of friends. Everyone thinks you are the cutest baby ever especially when you flash them your award winning grin. We've had a really relaxing summer which has been so special for your Aunt Shelly. And is good for both of us cause next week we both start a new chapter! You will go to daycare a couple doors down and I'm flying far far away to Boston. 

I wish I was going to be closer and am so heart broken to leave you. But am so grateful for our time together, the special bond we have created and to be your Aunty. I promise I will be back in three years to be close to you. And until then just tell mommy and daddy you want to face time everyday and come visit your Aunt Shelly.

I love you forever and ever Coop and will miss you so much. Sorry about all the tears that will probably land on you when we are saying goodbye. You have completely stolen my heart and I don't want to miss a moment. You change so fast and I know when I see you next you will be walking and talking. Thanks for giving me the best love ever and filling my transition home with love and joy. You are the sweetest, cutest, happiest boy that ever lived and I love you so much!

With all my love,

Aunt Shelly

Cheers To Trena and Kevin

A year ago today my journey as a CC began when the students arrived in El Salvador. I woke up this morning and saw a facebook post from one of them and felt the sting of nostalgia deep in my heart. Nostalgia is a weird thing to feel- and I feel it all the time for that place, my year there and everything I learned.

Two weeks ago I was in Hastings, MI for a CC reunion at Trena (one of my bosses) family's farm. One night when all 9 past CC's who could make it were together we toasted to Trena and Kevin. In that moment it was for their amazing parenting and all that they have taught us about parenting, family and love. I've been meaning to write something in their honor since I got back, today seems like a fitting day.

Trena and Kevin met at Miami of Ohio getting their masters in Human Development and after that went to Boston College for a 2nd masters in Pastoral Ministry. Then spent two years in Belize as Jesuit Volunteers and came back in search of their next step. After reaching out to a bunch of jesuits they were put into contact with Fr. Dean Brackely- an American Jesuit who moved to El Salvador after the six Jesuits were brutally murdered by the Salvadoran army during the civil war. Dean Brackley had accompanied numerous delegations to El Salvador and dreamt of something more long term and Tre and Kev were looking to start something similar to JVI for college students- so the Casa program was born.

They moved to El Salvador 15 years ago, came home to have two of their daughters and had the last two in El Salvador but have raised all four of them there. They have built the most amazing program I've ever known and this past year became family. It was SUCH an amazing gift to have them be my first bosses out of college- and probably set the standard way too high. Their ability to accompany us as CC's is incredible and I learned so much from them. They have a staff of 15 Salvadorans plus all the community partners they work with and have created a work environment that is so special and unprecedented in a country like El Salvador. Every other Monday we had a staff check in- a space to talk about how each member of the staff is doing completely separate from work- we cried, laughed and spilled our guts in these check ins. For people's birthday's we took turns affirming them to celebrate their presence in our life and once a semester we had a staff outing where all the staff members and their family are invited for a day of relaxing, spending time together and celebrating all the work they do. So many up and coming companies like Google are all about creating work life balance and attracting people to come work at their business by treating people like humans instead of just workers. Tre and Kev were way ahead of the game and by allowing their staff to become family, to bring their personal life to work and to really feel at home will have many of their same staff members the entire time the Casa exists- its a beautiful thing and an environment I too hope to create for people someday.

The learning curve as a CC is steep- it is so hard to know how you are doing and personally first semester I was CONSTANTLY questioning myself and my ability to accompany the students the best I possibly could. But after 15 years of doing it they give the best advice while also trusting us and giving us the space to figure some of it out on our own. During a particularly hard week we would often go over for a glass of wine and a mindless tv show or just sit around and chat for hours at the kitchen table. We played games and laughed so hard we cried, planned their daughter's birthday parties, spent days at the beach and had weekly one on ones to talk through the emotional roller coaster that is being a CC and living in El Salvador.

Watching them as parents is one of the most meanigful experiences of family and parenting I have ever had. The way they include their girls in the Casa, love and respond to each of them so differently just how they each need, talk honestly, work through conflict, expose them to the world and share them with so many people blew my mind. Their four girls are the sweetest, silliest little women and became little sisters during our time there that were so hard to say goodbye to. Tre would share with us the challenges and joys of being a mom- reminding us how important the job of parenting is, giving us advice we joked we would put in our list of things to remember and teaching us how to be good mom's just by witnessing. Such an incredible gift.

And two weeks ago they had the 2nd annual CC reunion- because you really become family and having a chance to be back together with them and the girls is so so special and important. I am endlessly grateful for their presence in my life. SO inspired by who each of them are- their commitment to justice, faith, equality, their families, the Salvadoran's, the Casa and continously learning, dreaming and building the Casa into a better experience for students and staff alike.

So here's to Trena and Kevin- to a year of learning from them, and to their new group of students and CC's that have the chance to learn from them now. Thank you for all that you do!

"You will never be completely at home again

.. Because a part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place."

The night before graduation last year I cried my eyes out to Zach and Margot.. Sad to leave Santa Clara, nervous about going to El Salvador and telling them how many places I wanted to be... In Colorado with Elyse, Zach and Sawyer, California with Coop, Margot's car with her, India with Lauren, El Salvador, the list went on to all the places people I love would be. This quote feels like the perfect explanation of that moment and so many years of wanting to be in more than one place. Sometimes it feels like F.O.M.O (fear of missing out) but really it is that.. The richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place.

Since I found this quote I have been thinking about it a lot. I miss El Salvador every single day.. And this past year that really did become home. In a crazy and beautiful way a life that is so far from this one and brings me to life in so many ways became home and I absolutely loved it. Leaving was so hard and I don't think ill ever fully understand how to integrate the different worlds. But there is also something beautiful about being able to find home wherever I am.

Last week we went home to Colorado for a family reunion with the Maddex clan and I stayed for a week with my mom, my mountains and my best friends- the place that no matter where I am in my life will always be home. It was SUCH a great trip. The family reunion was an absolute ball- and special for me that it was in Leadville and the time outside, mountain train ride, nightly campfires, frisbee golf and visit to Eric's was really special home time for me. But it also felt like home to be with my family- many who I haven't seen for 8 years. But had a care and interest in me and what matters to me that let me feel at home. I got to talk about El Salvador, play with the next generation of cousins and dance the funny dance between little cousin and woman with my older cousins. And it was fantastic. 

My mama has to move out of Leadville. And once all the family had left I spent some days soaking in time in Leadville, long runs at the lake, going through my room, dinners with mom and some tears about the idea of leaving our house.. The longest physical space I have known as home. As I cried we talked about all the good and the bad we've been through in that house- and I think leaving the space is a weird symbol of moving on and letting go- of some thing's that it's time to let go of and others we don't ever want to let go of. And when it feels scary to leave Leadville I just have to remember that it's the people, the memories, the mountains that make that home- just as much as our house. My time with Elyse and Zachy reminded me of that- how home it is to be with them. And dreaming of Zachys future wondering how you meet a group of friends like ours I told him I've found those friends in so many places- and for that I am so so grateful.

Sometimes having my heart spread all over the country and world feels a little hard. I am always missing someone, always have a list of people I need to call and always wanting to jump around the world to visit all the people my heart holds so dear. But really it is such a gift. And has made for such a richness of living, learning, growing and feeling crazy amounts of support.

While I was home I started dreaming of living in Colorado. I want to be close to Sawyer as he grows up, help my mom move and be able to live the day to day with Zach and Elyse like we always have. Crazy thoughts were happening- maybe I should just go to school at CSU and not go to Boston right now. Sometimes moving across the country, starting a whole new home and falling in love with new people sounds terrifying. 

Then I got on the plane and started reading my journal from El Salvador- and I did the same thing at the end of my time there. Dreaming of ways to stay. But I also read about all the reasons I am going to Boston next year, the parts of me that are still becoming that I think my time in Boston will really nourish. And while all the people, love and homes I have in my life fill me so full- there is a becoming me and process of finding that home in me that I am still working on. And falling in love with more people and places can never be a bad thing, especially cause we are lucky enough to live in a world where we can keep in touch across long distances. And I am privileged enough that I can make those visits- and I think I've gotten preety good at long distance friendships. And I can still dream of all the homes I might want to end up in in three years- Colorado, The Bay, El Salvador.. My heart will find the way. 

I came back to the bay and felt a joy of coming home to here too, walks with Coop, Jes and Kylie and the things about here that have become home. It's preety amazing how hearts can adapt so easily and amazing to know that wherever I am can always feel like home. And someday I will choose where I want to call home more permanently. For now I am endlessly grateful for the homes and friendships that have nourished my heart. 

Exactly Where I Need to Be

I've been home for a month now. I cant even believe it. Everyday I miss El Salvador.. and everyday I feel oh so grateful to be here and like I am exactly where I need to be. I just came in from sitting on the porch with a mellow Cooper taking in the world- those moments are so special and I get to soak up so many of them. When I was deciding if I should stay in El Salvador or come here the Salvadoran's commitment to their family was a huge part in deciding to be here. Ever since graduating high school I have gone on tons of adventures, taken big risks, gone new places and done really amazing things for myself..and it felt like it was time to do something for my family. As adults Jesse and I get to create our family and make it what we want- and having this summer with them is such a perfect way to start that closeness and I really love being here.. for so many reasons...

1. Soaking up such special time with Coop: walks into town, afternoons playing in the yard, slow mornings, watching him learn to roll and bounce and babble, getting lots of smiles and figuring him out. This guy has completely stolen my heart and leaving in August is gonna be hard. But I am just so grateful to have this special time with him.. and know that for the rest of his life this time together is gonna matter.

2. Seeing Jes and Kylie as such amazing parents. I love watching them love him. Talking through whats amazing and hard about parenting. Laughing with them and just living the day to day with them. Learning from them about what it means to have a healthy, happy and stable home and realtionship. And feeling myself get closer and closer with them- such a gift. Last night we watched Parenthood (best tv show ever) and all cried... and how special to have those moments.

3. Everything about the Bay. I am quickly falling back in love with these place.. and dreaming of coming back here after my quick East Coast stint. Jes and Kylie moved to Mill Valley (just North of the Golden Gate) a year ago to be closer to open space. And it really is the best of both worlds. So easy to go for runs, hikes, take a ferry across the bay, get to wine country and get into the city. My week days are quiet, suburb life with evening runs to the beach or through the sycamore trees into town and I can easily pop into the city for dinner or fun weekend play.

4. San Francisco... Sunday we went to Pride...and it was amazing. It is fun and crazy and silly but it is also so meaningful and profound to live in a city that is so radically accepting and loving, and hopefully teaching something to the rest of the world. So many companies, church's, different ethnic groups and people you wouldn't expect to be supportive walked in the parade. And we sat on the side with so many people full of joy cheering them on, cheering on acceptance, and love that can not be right or wrong or labeled. As we watched I told Farwell.. this city gives me hope. So often being back in the states after El Salvador I feel frustrated with what matters to us, the way we get lost in money and image and our selves. The amount that so many have while others here and across the globe have so much less. But as I soaked up the energy of Pride I felt incredibly grateful to live in this country- where we are making progress to understanding that all love is equal and that it is NOT OK to tell people who they can and cannot love. Cheers to you San Francisco.. you are amazing.

5. Moments of meeting beautiful souls from Central America and getting a chance to speak to them in Spanish, ask where they are from, connect with them in their language and hear a little bit of their story. At library story time I don't find myself chatting with the other moms but instead with the Latina nannies, women who came to the states years ago and have been taking care of different families ever since- yet may never see their own families again. Our housekeeper who told me she tries to always speak to her kids in Spanish cause she doesn't want them to loose that connection. Or the guy in the market from Guatemala who lives a life so different than the one he left behind. Speaking spanish is such a beautiful thing and I love the way it breaks down barriers. My heart is so connected to the suffering of the people who risk their lives to come to the states and I feel fired up and frustrated and heart broken about immigration policy and deportation and all thats in the news. But the chance to share a bit of my story and hear their's and connect in someone else's language fills me with the love, hope and motivation that I found in El Salvador to fight for something different.

6. Friends in the bay and weekends full of fun. I am SO grateful to be near Sam, Nate, Cara, Danielle, the Casa crew in the bay and so many others. I have missed my friends so much and love that I can pop into the city for dinner or they can come over for hikes, hot tubs and suburban calm. It's really special to have this time here with them and they make quiet weekdays with Coop less lonely.

7. Remembering what it means to have alone time, do things solely for me and listen to what my heart needs. This past year was so much about other people and exactly what I wanted it to be. But by the end I think I forgot what it meant just to be with myself. Towards the end I felt a little claustrophobic with a small group and small space and everything felt externally motivated. And while my extrovert heart craves that sometimes, I think it is so good to have the space and time just for me. To get back in touch with my heart, to do what I need and learn what I need before going into three years of busy, full days again. 


There is so much more- being able to pick up my phone and call anytime, sunny days and foggy days. The moments that my heart hurts so deeply for El Salvador and being able to snuggle with Coop, move slowly, call people who know my heart and just take care of myself. Reaching out to new spaces of support because I know thats what I need. So much. Last night I read a million notes from the staff and Salvadoran students that they gave me before we left. I miss them deeply and struggle again and again to understand how to hold that time and family close while not being paralyzed by missing it. But everyday I am figuring it out. And everyday I feel held and supported by this place and the people nearby. The world is good. Thank you thank you thank you.

Remembering the End

Its been over a month since the lasts, goodbyes and endless flood of tears began as we started the process of leaving that country.  Those moments are always so sacred and today sitting in my comfortable home I feel far away from that world. And I don't want to forget how special that time was. So.. we are taking a time machine back.

Those of you who know me know that I rarely cry in front of other people... there are a select few who always provide the space for the water works but otherwise I'm surprisingly dry eyed. That changed in my last few weeks there. It all started with our final staff check in. Every other Monday we checked in with the Casa and Romero program staff.. how we are doing personally, whats happening with family, our hearts, everything under the sun. And this past ten months that was easily one of my favorite spaces. We went into check in feeling the pain of the end... not wanting to leave this staff that had become family and incredibly unique work environment where we dedicate time to hearing about how people are really doing. Then the check in's started. People shared about their fears of the gang violence in their neighborhood, families struggles with migrating to the U.S. and all these things about the reality of El Salvador that are so so painful. And when I opened my mouth to share something let loose and I balled my little eyes out. I was so sad to leave them, but even more heart broken that they couldn't leave.. that I would get on a plane and fly away to comfort, security, opportunities and too many things that their families would never fully experience. I cried because they are so stuck, and I am not.. and that is solely because of where I was born. And its just not right. I thanked them, cried too much and tried to pull myself together a little. It could have been embarassing, but it felt so good to feel all that pain and feel it with such an amazing community there by my side. Ted and Ella on the couch with me as always, holding my hand, feeling the pain and knowing that those tears don't come easily. It was such a clear reminder to me of how important that place is, how much I loved that family and how painful leaving really was.

The next day I spent my last day at San Ramon.. one of the two amazing communities I was lucky enough to learn from this semester. It was an extra special day cause Elyse was there visiting and got to join me. We started the morning hiking up the volcano to visit a couple families in the community called La Valencia. We didn't make it up there that many times this year- but everytime we did it filled me with so much life. One particular family- Marta and her 8 kids/grandkids that live with her in their one room house always welcomed us in with open arms. We often took lunch and cooked on their fire, hanging with the kids, playing tag, whatever it might be in the meantime. Then using the buckets as chairs and tortillas as utensils we all squeezed around the tiny table sharing a meal. We talk a lot about making a place at the table for everyone and that is the basis of everything I want to learn and fight for as I carry Casa forward with me. At Marta's house I was always reminded of what it meant, to welcome people in, share a meal, give what little you have and feel this closeness that came so easily. Our final morning there was just like the rest- so comfortable and a reminder of what El Salvador is. What I would give to be back in the simplicty of their home, their love, their commitment to life that is not covered up by anything- raw, real and so ready to be shared.

After lunch we walked down for my final English class- with a group of crazy kids who became so comfortable with each other and me. We laughed, made cards for mothers day, took silly pictures, ate cake and shared something they learned. Teaching English for us at the Casa isn't always about the kids actually learning a ton of English, but more about them feeling like they matter, because too often they are told they don't. And I think we succeeded in doing that and building a community amongst them, a stable space for them to learn some, play some and be kids. I gave them certificates, hugged their moms and thanked them for lighting up my world- and many of them Ill probably never see. But oh how I hope they remember how special they are- intelligent, funny, loving and SO capable of doing whatever they dream.

Finally the women came for our last women's group and wow...what a day. We talked about Mothers Day- a women who has influenced their life. And almost all of them cried, sharing about the good and bad impacts they have had- mothers that left, other women standing in as moms and some who had the mom they deserved. Then what they are proud of- taking that pain and turning it into a love and commitment for their own kids. I thanked them so deeply- for their inspiration, honesty, commitment to keep coming back and for loving me so well. It was beautiful and I will never forget some of their last words as I said goodbye- especially Annita and Maria Teresa. The two women who were my mentors in the community and are two of the most bad ass women I know. Commited to justice, faith, love and all of that in ACTION not just talking but really walking the walk. Learning from them was such a gift and I will forever be changed by their presence in my life. I left feeling full, endlessly grateful and proud... I really gave that community my whole heart and together we built something beautiful. They showed me how much I want to work with Latino women, how important those spaces are. They taught me about faith and justice and how you give yourself to this world. And they made me feel so very at home. I miss them everyday. Their hugs, tears, how they always kept coming back. I can't believe how lucky I was to be apart of that family. Watch Annita welcome EVERYONE in, listen to her stories of the Pequena Comunidad and beginnings of the Christian Base Community. She showed me you can disagree with things about the church but still love and fight for the focus on justice, love and that place at the table for all.  Maria T taught me to fight for women, in a context where nobody is, showed me a feistiness I know in myself and how you can use it for something right. And I hope to become some fraction of the women they each are.

These communities taught me so much,let me become me, healed me, opened me and became family. I miss them everyday but will continue to carry them on my heart. Thank you El Salvador for making my family yet again bigger, for letting me fall in love, for teaching me more than I can even say.

More remembering to come later.

El Salvador.. Stay with me

I'm home... Writing from my new normal in Mill Valley while Cooper sleeps and we listen to ocean waves. It's hard to believe I'm here. And harder to believe I was in El Salvador a week ago saying goodbyes and feeling so connected to that world. I am the luckiest to get to spend the summer with this guy

 And can easily get lost in his smile and snuggles and sleeping and eating schedule. The perfect way to forget that some big movements are happening on my heart.

Yesterday we went for a long walk and we saw luxury cat boarding and more dry cleaners and beauty salons than I could count. And it all made my stomach hurt a little. It was a hard reminder of what is so often important in this world. It's a strange world we live in where some have so much and others so few, and the jump between the two is pretty jostling. 

Before I left I wanted to blog about so many things... The sacred moments that made up the end, our time in Nicaragua, what El Salvador created in me over 10 months. And last night I feel asleep anxious about loosing my closeness to all those things, our year there, my heart that is on fire in that country, my family and that way of living that is so special. I so don't want to let go of it.. And I'm also not succeeding greatly at holding onto it right now. It's too easy to just kind of say this is the transition time and instead of feeling it watch too many episodes of Parenthood, let coop sleep in my lap and never get to close to what my heart felt. But that is terrifying when I stop and see it. Ill never fully know how to do it or understand why exactly we go there or how to bring it back... But I know that I need to hold it and touch it instead of just letting the distractions help me forget about it. I don't want to forget, I want it to be close to me always.

So this morning I read back in my journal about how to transition, read some poetry and some of the notes from the staff to remind me that it's real. But I hate how far away and different it feels. And I know there are connections, and there will be more once I am at BC studying things that are so relevant. But right now I'm scared to let go in a healthy way. And I wanna write about all those amazing moments and re live it all.. And maybe it will come eventually.

But for now I am endlessly grateful for this time with Cooper, Kylie and Jesse. For a wonderful welcome home at SCU where so many ppl just know. And for a bit of awareness that keeps me up at night when I'm slipping. Transitions are hard and weird. And right now beauty salons, luxury cat borders and so many dry cleaners make me wanna rip my hair out. Because the people I love in El Salvador can't even put enough food on the table.. And we can make sure every wrinkle is gone from our shirts and our faces. It just doesn't make sense. But I don't wanna be resentful. I want to keep understanding how I can live in this world with that way of being. How I can stay away from the funny pressures and comparison and whatever else happens here so that I don't get lost in a world of money and dry cleaning, but hold onto and share what actually matters to me.

El Salvador.. Stay with me, guide my steps, I need you.

Days in Cedro

Today's a two for one blog catch up day so scroll down and read about Mozote first :)

Wednesday the kids at Cedro had a water day. They filled inflatable pools up, changed out of their uniforms and were the happiest most free I've seen  playing, splashing, screaming and laughing in the pool. Exuding pure joy. I didnt know Wednesday was the day so had no clothes to change into. But watching their eyes light up and remembering how few days I have left here I couldn't help but join them. 

Last weekend I went to a celebration of the word for holy Saturday. The Christian Base Community I spend one day a week in does celebrations instead of masses where everyone is involved rather than the hierarchical traditional mass- they are amazing and beautiful. One of the reflections was on the meaning of water. And while myself and the student I went with thought about all the cleansing, joyful, healing moments we have had in water the community shared about how much of a struggle it is for them. A sign of power, marginalization and injustice.

That being said- in a country where water is scarce someone could see today's water day as a waste. But as I watched them with the biggest grins on their face all I could think about is how they too now can have a memory of water that is of joy and freedom. And oh how they deserve to play in the water so freely just like we all have growing up. 

When I got in in my clothes I was worried Sor, the quite uptight nun who coordinates everything would be upset. But when she saw me she just said "que alegre" and went on to encourage all the timid kids to get in the pools, splash and play. I assumed the chaos would make her crazy but instead she was fully embracing a chance for these kids who have seen and experienced way more than their young eyes and hearts should have to , to just play and enjoy themselves, it was BEAUTFUL.

I have been so lucky this semester to spend one day a week back on Cedro- the community that was my praxis site as a student.  Everyday I'm here I miss my praxis partners Claire and Annie who made my time all that it was- and we're thereto laugh at the ridiculousness and cry when it all was just too much with me. But it feels so much like home. Today two of the girls who were in kinder when i was a student came back and seeing them growing up gave me goosebumps. The Casa is all about relationships and being there again just reminds me how meaningful it is to be with a community for an extended period of time. To watch the kids grow up, be with the families through the ups and downs and really become a part of it. As this time quickly comes to an end I am so aware of what Emily said last semester "you can never have enough time with the people you love". The longer I'm here the longer I think I could stay, the more at home I feel, the more in touch with these communities in a way that allows me to really walk with them and work together for liberation. 

I so love being apart of the Cedro family. It's a funny little place- and different in lots of ways from some sites, every time I'm there it reconnects me to the beauty and pain of this reality in such a special way.

Watching Nina Reina do one of the little girls hair, the moms taking care of each others kids, Santos giving her everything for them- I'm reminded how beautiful and necessary community is. They are all raising these kids together, finding ways to sigue adelante despite their poverty and the injustices that determine their lives. And it's incredible. 

I see the kids  who's parents are not there when they should be, who don't have enough to eat, and whose pain can be felt in their arms that won't let go, their eyes begging for love and attention, yet their hearts full of love to give. Santos cries too often when I'm there- because people have been robbing the comedor, because Suleyma's padrinos still haven't sent money for her scholarship and her son decided to stop going to school. The reality is heart breaking, but it is real and it is home and I am so grateful for the chance to be close to it. To feel like I am with my family, with a community that is so special to me. That introduced me to all that this country is, rocked me to the bones and continues to teach me so much every single day.

Mozote

A few weeks back we visited Mozote- a northern department where 1000 people were killed in a brutal massacre by the Salvadoran army during the civil war. This is the third time I have visited and every single time I am completely rocked by the horrors that were committed in that massacre, so many others during the war and other horrible human rights violations across the world- which there are so many more than we often are aware of.

The army arrived in Mozote accusing people of being involved with the leftist guerrilla movement. The US government funded this anti communism movement and financially supported the horrific death of an unimaginable number of people. The army killed off thousands of people believing that if the guerrillas didn't have anyone to support them they wouldn't survive. Priests, teachers, protesters and anyone who encouraged the liberation and organization of the poor were persecuted. They along with so many innocent people were killed in an attempt to protect the power and wealth of the Salvadoran Conservative party.

The army arrived in Mozote and ordered every single person out of their house. Then separated the men, women and children into three different houses and group by group tortured and killed all but one survivor. There is a beautiful memorial to all the innocent, beautiful, joy filled children that were killed. And on the wall with a mosaic of a rainbow scene is a list of the names and ages of each child. Babies as young as three years old were murdered alongside their older siblings. And while no matter the age killing someone so brutally is impossible to understand, the murder of young, innocent children brings home the pain of the war to a whole other level.

When we are in Mozote or visiting the museum at the UCA with artifacts of the Jesuits killed or in Chalate hearing testimonies of the massacres that occurred there... Again and again we are left trying desperately to understand how a human being could possibly commit such atrocities to another human being. It is absolutely terrifying to understand that someone not that different from ourselves was able to look in the eyes of a young child and take their life. I will never be able to really wrap my mind around it. But I do see the way we can shut ourselves off from each other. Close off from the suffering of another and interact with the world out of our pain an suffering. I remember hearing in history classes that we learn about these things so they won't happen again- but they keep happening. And it makes me sick to my stomach to hear about them. Yesterday I heard about a 5 year old that was being intiated into a gang and had to kill his family to enter and instead killed himself.  Wars that the US governments continues to fund and support. Families who live next door to us and don't have enough to eat. Violence within families. There are a million examples. And so often I think what motivates these atrocities are greed, power, wealth, comfort- things that we somehow are convinced matter more than life and love. 

But we also have ways to not let these things win. And so many people are examples of how we can continue to fight against these atrocities, disconnections and the continued cycle of suffering. And I think it starts with simply being with each other, listening to our stories, walking together in our suffering and pain so that instead of having it come out in resentment or hurtfulness to another it can become a force of community and new life. 

Reflecting at the end of the day at Mozote we talked about what the time there called us to do. I want to carry the pain of Mozote with me. Like I said every time I'm there my heart is broken for these families and I have a visceral reaction to how horrible it was. But I don't only wanna be in touch with that when I'm there. I wanna remember the people of Mozote and so many other places whose lives have been taken so unjustly everyday. And sharing their stories is one way to do that.

Just like always in this country- even in this story of such deep pain- there is a glimmer of hope. Rufina is the single survivor of the massacre  at Mozote and her story is one of such courage and choosing life. As she stood in line waiting to be killed, listening to the screams of her children she decided to escape. She got down on her hands and knees and crawled away hiding in the bushes, running into the mountains and somehow surviving to tell the story of Mozote. If she were caught she surely would have been killed, likely more brutally than already planned and likely with consequences for the others. Even after surviving she risked endless persecution by the army for the rest of her life. And rather than ring paralyzed by fear and letting death take her- she took a chance. We stood in the spot where she made this decision. And I tried to imagine myself doing the same. I don't think I could have done that. And in the same way I want to carry with me the pain of this day I want to hold onto her example of courage and faith. If she had not survived the story of Mozote would have disappeared with so many other atrocities- but Rufina lived to tell it, and those of us who have heard it we too live to tell it. To keep fighting for a world where we choose love, where we look into each others eyes and hearts, where we tell our stories, heal together and know that we are capable of causing great pain.