Hello world.. Im in Paraguay! Who would have thought I would ever in my life say that. But here I am. Sitting outside of a house full of 15 interns from all over the world trying to find their place in this amazing organization. We got in at 3am on Saturday. Between SFO and Asuncion I read the entire Alchemist. Margot read it a few months back and kept telling me I had to read it.. it was so comforting to read on the journey here with all the bustling and grappling in my head, especially with the stop in El Salvador. My emotions were all over the place but I am trying to hold onto the trust that being in Paraguay this summer is right where I am supposed to be and that I must keep my heart open to the language of the Universe and the path that I am on.
We woke up Saturday morning and timidly made our way downstairs to meet some of the other interns. Trying to get a grasp on what everyone is doing here and how they ended up here we started to ask some questions and quickly realized that while Fundacion Paraguaya is doing amazing things interns are not necessarily their top priority. We heard mixed opinions, some very strong, others making whatever they are given work and spent the first two days just trying to figure out how to balance their opinions with a fresh set of eyes and realistic expectations. My heart was jumping all over the place trying to understand what it is we are doing here, how it will be meaningful and beneficial to everyone involved and really what real life means.
Casa has been on my mind more than ever. Being in a new country. Speaking the language. Having space from school. It has been so so hard to not compare the two. But I am trying. Yoli, CWC, Ella and Linds have all loaded me with their wisdom helping to loosen my grasp a little on that amazing experience, and slowly I will continue to loosen it, but I also think there is some necessary processing that will happen here. It is hard to understand how to do something meaningful but sensitive, spiritual, rich, and all the things Casa taught us were important in the real world. "What am I supposed to do with my life when all I really want is to create relationship and learn from people" I wrote in an email to Margot. How do we make this desire to learn from, love, be in relationship with and understand others into something that is beneficial for the world. Uh oh... sounds like that Jesuit buzz word... vocation. Casa was a one of a kind experience and I am still just beginning to understand how to take it forward in my life. But it taught me a lot about life, learning and growth and I am trying to patient with all that is unresolved in my heart, to be present and open to all that this opportunity has to offer me, to be vulnerable, loving and sensitive to this world so I can continue to take in all there is to learn.
So far has been a lot of settling in... which calls for a lot of patience. Saturday and Sunday we got groceries, did some loops around the neighborhood, organized our rooms and tried to catch up on sleep. Today we finally met some of the employees of the ogranization and had a meeting with two of the head haunchos who basically reminded us of all the organization does. I think they are a really credible organization and are doing a ton of good in this country. Their microloans, support for women, agricultural school for teens and junior achievement program for younger students all try to help bring people out of poverty and improve their employability. They are working really hard to make a difference in this country, I just hope more than anything that we can find a meaningful way to engage in what they are doing.
Asuncion is basically the rich part of the country, suburbs, offices, shopping malls, car dealerships and upper class people fill the streets. It just doesnt break open my heart and inspire me.. I want to be in contact with the people who are struggling because that is where I want to put my energy to make a difference and they are the ones who give me that energy. I dont know exactly what that means in the world of cultural sensitivity and mutual benefit but living in a city of rich people just really doesn't do it for me, so I am really hoping that we can spend time with the women who are receiving the loans, see the looks in their eyes when they talk about how it has affected their life and what has been hard. Its that raw, genuine vulnerability that really clicks for me, that makes me want to find a way to give to this world.
At least I know that now.. I might not have a year ago. I am trying to be patient. See what they decide to do with us, and also planning to be proactive and honest about how I hope my time here will look. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep my heart open.. I am not in El Salvador, this will not become Casa and this is a completely beautiful unique experience that deserves so much more than to be constantly compared to Casa. The grappling has begun and the wheels in my head are constantly turning.. and I know that in itself is so very important. I am studying International Development and at some point have to figure out what that looks like in the real world. How can I make a sustainable difference? How can I educate and make a meaningful change not just give or take from all the people in this world that dont have what they need? I dont know if I will ever find the answer.. but being in a situation that gets my brain working harder is a good start.
I still know barely nothing about how these next six weeks will look but I am curious to find out and am working to have the best outlook on it all that I can. It's not easy. It doesn't all make sense. And it doesn't feel as much like home as the Casa did the first night there, but I have learned to trust in something and I know something beautiful, important and rich will come out of this experience, I just have to be open and present as I patiently find my way to what it will look like.
Tomorrow we are visitng the agricultural school about two hours away and I am really excited for that. I'm excited to see more of the country and what the organization does. And everyday we get closer to knowing what we will be doing and starting to actually engage with the organization. Hopefully it is smooth and close to what we are hoping/ planning for. But mostly I just want it to be feel meaningful, beneficial, educational and not just like office work. So much love and gratitude to you all who have gotten me here. Hopefully I will have more to report next time. XOXOXO
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
San Salvador Airport... such a tease
Hey again.. relocated to another airport. I'm sitting in the San Salvador airport, remembering the last time I was here saying goodbye, hurting, exhausted and so afraid of what was coming. When I found Ashley and Amanda last night we talked about leaving the airport for a while since we have a seven hour layover so I spent the five hour flight anxious, excited and nervous about what that would actually look like. When we started descending into San Salvador I saw the beach, the volcanoes and this land that nourished me in a way I could never have imagined and my eyes filled with tears. I was overcome with so many emotions. Emotions that I still haven't quite figured out what to do with. Scared of this journey not being Casa. Scared to go see the people I love in El Salvador for too short a time and be left rocked. Reminded of how home this place is and scared of what that will look like or not look like for the rest of my life. Nostalgic as can be... an emotion that I will never know how to make productive.. and just a little unsure of what to do with all those feelings. I looked down to my 3:25 bracelet... the bracelet Casa Romero got when our community night beat the record, the night that we felt as close as can be. The 3:25 that was written in sharpie has been unseeable for weeks, and suddenly yesterday I looked down and it was there. I sound completely crazy but I have witnesses. The bracelet is tattered and worn and on its last leg of life. But as I wrapped my hand around it I was comforted. I know the community of Casa Romero is with me wherever I go. Then I looked to the other arm... the bracelet I bought at the UCA vigil as a reminder of the reality of beauty and suffering coexisting, dancing together in this life, and the emotion I was overcame with that night that it is all part of it, and somehow we make it out alive if we can allow ourselves to feel both. A reminder that I appreciate so much, of the peace I felt in understanding the pain and the beauty... the wisdom the Salvadorans taught me that the two together are what make life and for that reason we must continue to sigue adelante. Then I noticed a missing bracelet. The one I thought was the most intact, sturdy and would stay forever. I bought it in Suchi over vacation as a reminder to be gentle with myself, to take care of myself... I think there is something fitting about the fact that it fell off in the last 24 hours. I never expected it to be the first to fall off and didn;t even notice it happen... I have learned a lot about being gentle with myself, loving myself, taking care of myself in the last six months, and maybe I don't need that bracelet as a reminder anymore.
We landed, I got Salvador's number and called him excited to maybe see him. Just the sound of his voice was so comforting. Almost felt like we never left. We decided we didn't have enough time or money to leave.. just not worth the risk. And at first I was disappointed. Then we got Papusas (which were also slightly disappointing) and I spent a couple minutes day dreaming about life in El Salvador. This country is full to the brim with emotions, memories, moments, people and places that mean more than I have learned to process yet. The overwhelming sense of emotion that I get looking through Casa stuff hit me 10 times harder looking out the window at the land I love so much, wishing I could be there, but knowing deep down I will never ever relive it. And then I realized... this trip is not about El Salvador. It is about Paraguay. I think it is really right that we didn't try to go see people. I think my heart needs some sense of separation between the two. Of course my time in El Salvador is ingrained in me and will surely influence my time in Paraguay greatly. But I have to let the reigns off a little and give myself some space so that I can let Paraguay be its own experience and find its way into my heart in all its similarities and differences. Mateo sent me "I will not die an unlived life" and we talked about how obsessed we are with Casa, how much we miss each other, how deeply embedded in our hearts it all is. I think in a way its scary to be taking another step that is similar but so different, scary to think that 6 weeks in Paraguay has the potential to be anything like Casa... and scary to think it will be totally different. I want to hold the four months at the Casa on my heart forever, and I want to come back here at a time that I can fully embrace the people who transformed my life. But I also want to allow space for new journeys, feelings and people. I cant articulate myself extremely well on the almost non existent sleep Im running on.. but El Salvador is in my heart and I want it to be a basis for Paraguay to find its way in, not a constant parallel or comparison or missing, just an experience that makes this one that much richer.
I wish I could run out and hug Santos, Reina, Christopher, Salvador, Lidia and all the others I adore.. but I also think my heart is better off sitting in the airport trying to pretend I'm somewhere else. I cant avoid this next chapter bringing back so many emotions about my time in El Salvador. But it doesn't have to replace those, or be compared to those, maybe it will be a chance to really process those, and see what holding onto Casa forever looks like in real life. I am so far from the articulate I would like to be right now but my wheels are turning a lot already. I am excited to land in Paraguay and be fully present there knowing my heart is so very shaped by every person, place and moment that I have experienced thus far and knowing that sometimes things make a lot more sense when you just let them be instead of planning it all out. XOXOXO
We landed, I got Salvador's number and called him excited to maybe see him. Just the sound of his voice was so comforting. Almost felt like we never left. We decided we didn't have enough time or money to leave.. just not worth the risk. And at first I was disappointed. Then we got Papusas (which were also slightly disappointing) and I spent a couple minutes day dreaming about life in El Salvador. This country is full to the brim with emotions, memories, moments, people and places that mean more than I have learned to process yet. The overwhelming sense of emotion that I get looking through Casa stuff hit me 10 times harder looking out the window at the land I love so much, wishing I could be there, but knowing deep down I will never ever relive it. And then I realized... this trip is not about El Salvador. It is about Paraguay. I think it is really right that we didn't try to go see people. I think my heart needs some sense of separation between the two. Of course my time in El Salvador is ingrained in me and will surely influence my time in Paraguay greatly. But I have to let the reigns off a little and give myself some space so that I can let Paraguay be its own experience and find its way into my heart in all its similarities and differences. Mateo sent me "I will not die an unlived life" and we talked about how obsessed we are with Casa, how much we miss each other, how deeply embedded in our hearts it all is. I think in a way its scary to be taking another step that is similar but so different, scary to think that 6 weeks in Paraguay has the potential to be anything like Casa... and scary to think it will be totally different. I want to hold the four months at the Casa on my heart forever, and I want to come back here at a time that I can fully embrace the people who transformed my life. But I also want to allow space for new journeys, feelings and people. I cant articulate myself extremely well on the almost non existent sleep Im running on.. but El Salvador is in my heart and I want it to be a basis for Paraguay to find its way in, not a constant parallel or comparison or missing, just an experience that makes this one that much richer.
I wish I could run out and hug Santos, Reina, Christopher, Salvador, Lidia and all the others I adore.. but I also think my heart is better off sitting in the airport trying to pretend I'm somewhere else. I cant avoid this next chapter bringing back so many emotions about my time in El Salvador. But it doesn't have to replace those, or be compared to those, maybe it will be a chance to really process those, and see what holding onto Casa forever looks like in real life. I am so far from the articulate I would like to be right now but my wheels are turning a lot already. I am excited to land in Paraguay and be fully present there knowing my heart is so very shaped by every person, place and moment that I have experienced thus far and knowing that sometimes things make a lot more sense when you just let them be instead of planning it all out. XOXOXO
Holding hands
Junior year is over and I am sitting in the airport waiting to go to Paraguay for six weeks. WAIT WHAT?!?!?!? There is a lot a lot to say... but it is 12:13 am and it has been such a whirlwind of a week packing, moving, seeing people, trying to stay grounded amidst the chaos... and I am completely and utterly exhausted
I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude for the women of Casita- who became (and continued as) my best friends, my sound boards, my everything. I do not know what the year would have been without you all to always lift my mood and go on adventures and be up for anything. It was so so amazing to live with you three and I will forever cherish the time we had together. To Casa... and the amazing roller coaster, heart breaking, life giving, world shattering experience that continues to seep into every part of my being trying to find where it fits. Thank you for showing me what matters, for making me hurt, feel, question and soar. To my Casa family for being there when the questions, the suffering, the transition, the healing, the what next was too hard and you were the only ones who would ever understand. To KYHU Search crew... for bringing me light, community, reflection and so much support in a time I needed it more than ever. To JC, Farwell and everyone who made the Silent Retreat possible, for the space, the care, the love that went into planning a time of quiet that reminded me what matters in this world. And to so many other people for all the love and life and light you have brought into my life. I cannot believe the way this year has turned out. I would have never been able to imagine the growth that has happened and the depth of understanding and appreciation for this life that continues to grow. A year ago I was on top of the world, amazed at how beautiful and giving it had been. Today I feel like I get to hold hands with so many people in this world who are learning to hold the beauty and the suffering and to see the goodness even when it hurts the most. Who just want to love and learn and grow. I am learning to be one with this world, to feel it's ups and downs and no longer just stand on top, hiding from all that is painful- but right in the middle of it all- feeling more real feelings than I have ever felt before. Thank you universe, amazing people and places in my life- for a year that has rocked me hard- but has left me stronger, more trusting and ready as can be to take on another adventure.
I would be lying through my teeth if I said I felt completely prepared. I have been nervous as can be lately. Nervous to not have community, nervous to face the suffering and be reminded of my place in this world as a silly American. Nervous for this huge realm of unknown that I have become friends with as of late. I haven't slept a lot... and I called my mom to tell her how nervous I am. But really I'd be worried if I wasn't nervous. I feel ready.. ready for something... ready to have my world shifted a little bit, to have some space from school and to have conversations and see deep dark eyes that leave me lost and confused. To stumble over my words speaking spanish. And to be humbled again by the great spirituality, wisdom and love that so many have more of than I do. I am ready to learn what it means to find community. This year taught me how important community is and also taught me that it is not always just handed to you. I'm excited for self sustaining Michelle to learn what community means outside the box, to learn to be a safe haven and nurturing space for my own fears, frustrations and pains, while holding on to the great truth (thank you for the reminder Clarita) that people are so very important to me. I am ready to explore what it means to have a balance of extroverted, busy, involved, surrounded by people I love and quiet, reflective, introverted and in touch with my own deepest joys and pains.
And maybe more than anything else I'm excited for everything I cannot predict or imagine. I am excited for the unknown and all that it will bring. I am excited to learn and grow and struggle. To question and explore and listen to my heart while I listen to all that there is to learn from around me. Here's to another adventure. Here's to the newness that will come. And here's to a year that has made me stronger, that has reminded me to trust because everything turns out somehow and that has helped me to cultivate a core of strength within me.. and inspired me to continue learning, growing, pushing myself and searching for exactly how I am supposed to engage with this world.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude for the women of Casita- who became (and continued as) my best friends, my sound boards, my everything. I do not know what the year would have been without you all to always lift my mood and go on adventures and be up for anything. It was so so amazing to live with you three and I will forever cherish the time we had together. To Casa... and the amazing roller coaster, heart breaking, life giving, world shattering experience that continues to seep into every part of my being trying to find where it fits. Thank you for showing me what matters, for making me hurt, feel, question and soar. To my Casa family for being there when the questions, the suffering, the transition, the healing, the what next was too hard and you were the only ones who would ever understand. To KYHU Search crew... for bringing me light, community, reflection and so much support in a time I needed it more than ever. To JC, Farwell and everyone who made the Silent Retreat possible, for the space, the care, the love that went into planning a time of quiet that reminded me what matters in this world. And to so many other people for all the love and life and light you have brought into my life. I cannot believe the way this year has turned out. I would have never been able to imagine the growth that has happened and the depth of understanding and appreciation for this life that continues to grow. A year ago I was on top of the world, amazed at how beautiful and giving it had been. Today I feel like I get to hold hands with so many people in this world who are learning to hold the beauty and the suffering and to see the goodness even when it hurts the most. Who just want to love and learn and grow. I am learning to be one with this world, to feel it's ups and downs and no longer just stand on top, hiding from all that is painful- but right in the middle of it all- feeling more real feelings than I have ever felt before. Thank you universe, amazing people and places in my life- for a year that has rocked me hard- but has left me stronger, more trusting and ready as can be to take on another adventure.
I would be lying through my teeth if I said I felt completely prepared. I have been nervous as can be lately. Nervous to not have community, nervous to face the suffering and be reminded of my place in this world as a silly American. Nervous for this huge realm of unknown that I have become friends with as of late. I haven't slept a lot... and I called my mom to tell her how nervous I am. But really I'd be worried if I wasn't nervous. I feel ready.. ready for something... ready to have my world shifted a little bit, to have some space from school and to have conversations and see deep dark eyes that leave me lost and confused. To stumble over my words speaking spanish. And to be humbled again by the great spirituality, wisdom and love that so many have more of than I do. I am ready to learn what it means to find community. This year taught me how important community is and also taught me that it is not always just handed to you. I'm excited for self sustaining Michelle to learn what community means outside the box, to learn to be a safe haven and nurturing space for my own fears, frustrations and pains, while holding on to the great truth (thank you for the reminder Clarita) that people are so very important to me. I am ready to explore what it means to have a balance of extroverted, busy, involved, surrounded by people I love and quiet, reflective, introverted and in touch with my own deepest joys and pains.
And maybe more than anything else I'm excited for everything I cannot predict or imagine. I am excited for the unknown and all that it will bring. I am excited to learn and grow and struggle. To question and explore and listen to my heart while I listen to all that there is to learn from around me. Here's to another adventure. Here's to the newness that will come. And here's to a year that has made me stronger, that has reminded me to trust because everything turns out somehow and that has helped me to cultivate a core of strength within me.. and inspired me to continue learning, growing, pushing myself and searching for exactly how I am supposed to engage with this world.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Forever Becoming
Im sitting at the table at the house where I babysit. Little Karina is still sleeping and I am trying to get some studying done. But summer is just so close and my focus is short lived. So.. here I am.
I changed the name... whoa big stuff. Human becoming.. I wish I could remember exactly where that word came from. Maybe it was Sister Peggy.. anyways, I think it's really fitting for this life. Margot and I always wonder if we will ever "arrive" cause it seems like there is always some big growing, learning, shifting happening. And recently we have started to accept the idea that maybe we really don't ever arrive at some end of understanding. We just keep understanding a little more or a little differently. We like to think that the core of us becomes stronger, and it becomes easier to trust through the ups and downs and shifts, but we are forever human becomings.
I am the most thankful to have her in my life. Even from Bali we have the most amazing conversations and feel oh so connected. We were meant to live in this life together.. soul friends.. or something. Last night she asked me "Hows your heart?" Junior year is ending in 2 days, I'm going to Paraguay in 9 days and a lot of life is happening between now and then. There is a lot of unknown. But I feel really at peace about it all. Ready for whatever life brings me and super excited to see what that is. Spending winter quarter in a rough place and being where I am now is just another reminder that life really does find its way. And every season, rough patch, moment of joy- I really think it all fits together in some magical way. I just trust that things will work out. I know that I could never have touched the pain I did in the three months after Casa without the strength I found there.. and really letting myself feel that and be completely honest and in touch with that darkness was something my heart had been preparing me for for years. Of course I'm not asking to feel that again but I really think it was necessary. I'm so much more whole after really exploring that. I dont have it all figured out and will likely come back to that same pain again but when I think about where I was three months ago I just know that there is something bigger than me out there making this all work as incredibly as it does. I feel a deep sense of trust that things will be what they are supposed to be and am ready for whatever is coming.
I have no idea what Paraguay is going to be but I am just so excited to find out. I am excited to be somewhere new where I will be challenged all over again in both familiar and new ways. I have been thinking a lot about how to be intentional with my time there. How to be sure I am reflecting and processing in a healthy way. A space that I will have to search out and create on my own because Quentin wont be there to plan Community Nights for us. But honestly I am really excited for that opportunity. I am excited for some internal processing, growing, learning and really listening to myself. Katie, another Casa friend, stayed over Sunday night and we talked about how important it is that we be creative and have an eye out for those spaces that became so sacred while we were in El Salvador. If we aren't spending two days a week with the same community how can we create relationships, if we aren't sitting in a circle at Heidi and Grace's reflecting together how can we explore what we are feeling and how it fits into the big picture? Those are the spaces we have to look for, create and just know we need, and I am excited to see what those are.
Sunday night was the last 9pm mass for the seniors. I remember last years senior mass. I was so heart broken to see the women who had become such a strong community for me up there being blessed at their last mass. I wondered who I would sit with and be excited to see at mass next year. And Sunday, although I didn't feel as heart broken as last year, I was reminded again of how special that community is and felt so surrounded by love. My first mass back after El Salvador felt a little lonely, like I didn't really know where to sit or who to hug, but Sunday night I didn't even think twice about any of that. I am so thankful for this place that gives us so much space for community. And for a deepened understanding of how important community really is. This year has been such a rollercoaster but I am so grateful to be exactly where I am right now. So much good has come into my life, so much new, and I am forever amazed at the way things work out. I am excited for all the fun that comes with the end of the year, graduation and summer. I'm excited for Paraguay and to just keeping growing, arriving, understanding and being shaken all over again. Thats what this life is all about, being a forever human becoming.
I changed the name... whoa big stuff. Human becoming.. I wish I could remember exactly where that word came from. Maybe it was Sister Peggy.. anyways, I think it's really fitting for this life. Margot and I always wonder if we will ever "arrive" cause it seems like there is always some big growing, learning, shifting happening. And recently we have started to accept the idea that maybe we really don't ever arrive at some end of understanding. We just keep understanding a little more or a little differently. We like to think that the core of us becomes stronger, and it becomes easier to trust through the ups and downs and shifts, but we are forever human becomings.
I am the most thankful to have her in my life. Even from Bali we have the most amazing conversations and feel oh so connected. We were meant to live in this life together.. soul friends.. or something. Last night she asked me "Hows your heart?" Junior year is ending in 2 days, I'm going to Paraguay in 9 days and a lot of life is happening between now and then. There is a lot of unknown. But I feel really at peace about it all. Ready for whatever life brings me and super excited to see what that is. Spending winter quarter in a rough place and being where I am now is just another reminder that life really does find its way. And every season, rough patch, moment of joy- I really think it all fits together in some magical way. I just trust that things will work out. I know that I could never have touched the pain I did in the three months after Casa without the strength I found there.. and really letting myself feel that and be completely honest and in touch with that darkness was something my heart had been preparing me for for years. Of course I'm not asking to feel that again but I really think it was necessary. I'm so much more whole after really exploring that. I dont have it all figured out and will likely come back to that same pain again but when I think about where I was three months ago I just know that there is something bigger than me out there making this all work as incredibly as it does. I feel a deep sense of trust that things will be what they are supposed to be and am ready for whatever is coming.
I have no idea what Paraguay is going to be but I am just so excited to find out. I am excited to be somewhere new where I will be challenged all over again in both familiar and new ways. I have been thinking a lot about how to be intentional with my time there. How to be sure I am reflecting and processing in a healthy way. A space that I will have to search out and create on my own because Quentin wont be there to plan Community Nights for us. But honestly I am really excited for that opportunity. I am excited for some internal processing, growing, learning and really listening to myself. Katie, another Casa friend, stayed over Sunday night and we talked about how important it is that we be creative and have an eye out for those spaces that became so sacred while we were in El Salvador. If we aren't spending two days a week with the same community how can we create relationships, if we aren't sitting in a circle at Heidi and Grace's reflecting together how can we explore what we are feeling and how it fits into the big picture? Those are the spaces we have to look for, create and just know we need, and I am excited to see what those are.
Sunday night was the last 9pm mass for the seniors. I remember last years senior mass. I was so heart broken to see the women who had become such a strong community for me up there being blessed at their last mass. I wondered who I would sit with and be excited to see at mass next year. And Sunday, although I didn't feel as heart broken as last year, I was reminded again of how special that community is and felt so surrounded by love. My first mass back after El Salvador felt a little lonely, like I didn't really know where to sit or who to hug, but Sunday night I didn't even think twice about any of that. I am so thankful for this place that gives us so much space for community. And for a deepened understanding of how important community really is. This year has been such a rollercoaster but I am so grateful to be exactly where I am right now. So much good has come into my life, so much new, and I am forever amazed at the way things work out. I am excited for all the fun that comes with the end of the year, graduation and summer. I'm excited for Paraguay and to just keeping growing, arriving, understanding and being shaken all over again. Thats what this life is all about, being a forever human becoming.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Diving Board
So its raining outside. And I couldn't really sleep last night. And I'm sitting here reading blog post after blog post of my dear Yolanda who lived in Casa Romero with me and returned to El Salvador for the summer. And its just igniting something inside me. Her heart is full and open and grappling with all these things we spent four months grappling with. And then came back and could only grapple with for so long until it just felt like we weren't getting anywhere. "That was the dark ages" Claire said, and Margot and I talked about being walking gray, dark, stormy rain clouds. Yoli wrote in her blog about Casa being a diving board, to live this summer there in a new and better way, not in a way of trying to recreate Casa or missing it every second. I think thats the whole point, and slowly we live into understanding it as a diving board into this big old world of suffering and love that we have to find our place in. I haven't completely lived into understanding that yet, I mean I'm not sure if I ever fully will. But I do know Casa has been on my heart lately and I also know Im going to Paraguay in 18 days and somehow I think those two things might be related.
Junior year ends in ten days, that feels big. These last nine months have been some of the craziest and definitely the most transformative of my life. And unlike at the end of freshmen and sophomore year I don't really feel like I have a conclusive way to tie a pretty bow on them and understand exactly what they meant. My heart is feeling a little bit of lacking in the processing department. In El Salvador all we ever did was process. Then coming back Margot filled that space for me, but this quarter she is off adventuring and without blogging/talking to Margot/ weekly community night some of the thoughts in my head are stuck as half thoughts. Saturday night everyone was gone and being home alone was so glorious... I laid on the couch with the love lights lit and journaled and journaled and journaled. Some rambling, some finding and some shaking hands with fears I haven't really let myself meet yet.
Going to Paraguay is scary. In a completely 100% different way than going to El Salvador was. I'm not so scared of not being able to speak Spanish, or of the bugs and the new and the different. I'm not so scared of being thousands of miles away from home and out of touch with the world. I'm scared of coming back face to face with the suffering I saw in El Salvador and asking the same questions without the family that Romero became surrounding me. I am scared of not understanding my place in this world all over again. Of being frustrated and angry and not really super excited to come back. But at the same time, all of those things are exactly why I'm going. It is going to be so different, so new, and such a learning experience. In similar and different ways than Casa. And I cant expect it to be Casa and really shouldn't even be comparing the two. But am just so grateful to have Casa as a diving board to spring me into this newness with a different understanding of the world. Something that I cant put words to but that lives deep down in my heart and sees suffering and love as such beauty and that just wants to learn from these people who in so many ways have so much more than me.
Ive also been thinking about life after Santa Clara. WHOA... completely out of control that its time to be thinking about that a little. And encountering these funny things that you hear about everyone encountering when they have to start making real life decisions. My heart says one thing but the pressures of the world totally have their way of saying another thing. More to come on that later... but just a funny thing to be feeling.
I cant believe in two weeks Im moving out of Casita Bonita... I love this little apartment and the wonderful mujeres I live with. Its totally become home. And Im so gonna miss it. And I cant believe Ill be getting on a plane to Paraguay. Life just keeps moving, so so fast. I miss having this space to slow down and think about how its moving. Feels right to be putting my thoughts onto paper again, although journaling is so wonderful it sometimes just turns into rambling crazy when no one is listening. I also need to find a new name for this blog. My heart has been opened.. and will continue to be opened. But I need to give credit to the rest of the world, especially since Ill be writing from Paraguay. Suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading. XOXO
Junior year ends in ten days, that feels big. These last nine months have been some of the craziest and definitely the most transformative of my life. And unlike at the end of freshmen and sophomore year I don't really feel like I have a conclusive way to tie a pretty bow on them and understand exactly what they meant. My heart is feeling a little bit of lacking in the processing department. In El Salvador all we ever did was process. Then coming back Margot filled that space for me, but this quarter she is off adventuring and without blogging/talking to Margot/ weekly community night some of the thoughts in my head are stuck as half thoughts. Saturday night everyone was gone and being home alone was so glorious... I laid on the couch with the love lights lit and journaled and journaled and journaled. Some rambling, some finding and some shaking hands with fears I haven't really let myself meet yet.
Going to Paraguay is scary. In a completely 100% different way than going to El Salvador was. I'm not so scared of not being able to speak Spanish, or of the bugs and the new and the different. I'm not so scared of being thousands of miles away from home and out of touch with the world. I'm scared of coming back face to face with the suffering I saw in El Salvador and asking the same questions without the family that Romero became surrounding me. I am scared of not understanding my place in this world all over again. Of being frustrated and angry and not really super excited to come back. But at the same time, all of those things are exactly why I'm going. It is going to be so different, so new, and such a learning experience. In similar and different ways than Casa. And I cant expect it to be Casa and really shouldn't even be comparing the two. But am just so grateful to have Casa as a diving board to spring me into this newness with a different understanding of the world. Something that I cant put words to but that lives deep down in my heart and sees suffering and love as such beauty and that just wants to learn from these people who in so many ways have so much more than me.
Ive also been thinking about life after Santa Clara. WHOA... completely out of control that its time to be thinking about that a little. And encountering these funny things that you hear about everyone encountering when they have to start making real life decisions. My heart says one thing but the pressures of the world totally have their way of saying another thing. More to come on that later... but just a funny thing to be feeling.
I cant believe in two weeks Im moving out of Casita Bonita... I love this little apartment and the wonderful mujeres I live with. Its totally become home. And Im so gonna miss it. And I cant believe Ill be getting on a plane to Paraguay. Life just keeps moving, so so fast. I miss having this space to slow down and think about how its moving. Feels right to be putting my thoughts onto paper again, although journaling is so wonderful it sometimes just turns into rambling crazy when no one is listening. I also need to find a new name for this blog. My heart has been opened.. and will continue to be opened. But I need to give credit to the rest of the world, especially since Ill be writing from Paraguay. Suggestions are welcome. Thanks for reading. XOXO
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Your Life Will be Brilliant
A few weeks ago Kylie said "I miss your blog" and we talked about the funny feeling of writing about our own lives but also loving reading about other peoples lives. Funny humans. A couple others have commented on my lack of blog posts too.. I have been completely M.I.A and for those of you who find this blog entertaining or as a means of making sure I'm alive... I apologize. I will try to be better.. the last five months have been a crazy roller coaster. I have been avoiding writing in here cause its all a little too real and vulnerable. But I'm not sure I can just act like the last five months never happened... because all of the up and down was important, necessary and life. So... caution, high level of vulnerability to follow...
Reverse culture shock is a real thing. Healing is also a real thing and I'm sure there is some saying about how it doesn't come easy.. that is the most real of all the things and what I learned for three months after coming back to the states. I kinda felt like I got pumbled by 100 crashing waves and had a really hard three months. I'm not one to say that or to let myself have three hard months but one day I walked into class and Margot looked at me worried and said "Michelle... are you ok" My heart was hurting for so many reasons and the world seemed a little less bright. But I needed Margot to tell me she saw that in my eyes.. I needed to realize that my heart was hurting so that I could find ways to give my heart the love and support it needed in a time that it really hurt. Sometimes I like to think I'm more fine than I actually am or that I can do it all on my own. And sometimes you have to hurt bad to realize you need people, light, support in your life. I shed my fair share of tears and had a rocky couple of months. And then I started to reach out to the world looking for some love and support. In a response to frantic "I feel like my life is falling apart and I need someone to listen" email Kylie said "Your life is going to be brilliant" something that I really really needed to hear. And two months later... my life feels pretty brilliant again, crazy how those things work isn't it.
A lot a lot of goodness has come into my life since I called my best friend from the rose gardens balling, lost, and wanting some sort of comfort I couldn't seem to find. It started with an email about applying for Search crew. I applied feeling like I had to do something with myself and two weeks ago led the retreat, wrote and gave a talk, and cried happy tears listening to the talk on community, feeling like I had found community once again. 15 of 26 of us who were in El Salvador together were here in Santa Clara over Easter and I was reminded of the me I was in El Salvador. Full of life and love to give and just so excited about the world. It hurt noticing how different I felt but I also needed to see it.. I needed to know that was in me. I went on a silent retreat the next weekend and for the first time in three months finally just stopped, checked in with myself and thought about what it is I really want out of this life. Who am I really and what the last few months were missing, leaving me hurting and low on hope. Again I was reminded to ask for help. And I was reminded of something else important that although I don't have all figured out... does something for me. I was reminded to have faith. I'm not sure what in.. but just that things work out. I know it sounds silly but I actually forgot that for a while. I wasn't sure my life was going to be brilliant or I was gonna ever experience as much love, honesty, community and happiness as I did in El Salvador. I wasn't sure my wounds would ever heal and I just couldn't really see the light. I needed Kylie to tell me my life would be brilliant and I needed to stop and get out of my head and realize life just works out... in the craziest of ways. The retreat gave me a chance to believe that something good would come out of my life. The theme was "growing in faith" and we talked about the seasons of our hearts. Mine was in a bit of a super snowy winter but I came home and as spring was blooming outside of me I said to a friend.. I feel like things are blooming inside.. I think goodness is coming. And a lot of good came.
Since I hit an all time low and then slowly was pulled back to real life I have made amazing new friendships, been accepted to positions that I feel incredibly passionate about, gotten excited about my classes all over again and had weekend after weekend of so much joy, love and newness. I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Basically life is a roller coaster and its so hard to remember that it all works out when it hurts the most. But I can always see it a lot more clearly when I look back on it. I'm pretty amazed at the way things feel now.
Junior year ends in three weeks. I'm feeling the effects of El Salvador in positive and real ways finally, ways that aren't just "man my heart hurts I wanna be back" but actually seeing how it changed me and is a part of the human becoming I will always be. I feel really really thankful for the people in my life... both those who were there though all of it and some who have come into my life just when I needed them to and helped me to see the beauty in life again. And the most basic goodness of it all. I am really excited about all life has to offer me. I am leaving for Paraguay in three weeks and although I'm nervous I am also really excited. Its going to be so new and different but its going to be another experience of loving and learning and growing. I'm excited for the weeks before and after that. I'm excited to go home in the end of August after 9 months away which is just too long to be without my best friends and my mama. And I just know that this life is good again.
So... maybe now that I got this weird awkward in between post out of the way I can actually start to blog normally again. Especially since I'll be in Paraguay and have new exciting things to talk about again. But also because there are a lot of new and exciting things in my everyday it seems. I'm sorry if this is too much.. or something. I feel weird posting it but I also know its ok. Because we are all human. Thanks Kylie for telling me my life will be brilliant and for reminding me that my blogging is of interest to someone. And thanks to all the rest of you for being love and support in my life. I am a lucky woman.
Reverse culture shock is a real thing. Healing is also a real thing and I'm sure there is some saying about how it doesn't come easy.. that is the most real of all the things and what I learned for three months after coming back to the states. I kinda felt like I got pumbled by 100 crashing waves and had a really hard three months. I'm not one to say that or to let myself have three hard months but one day I walked into class and Margot looked at me worried and said "Michelle... are you ok" My heart was hurting for so many reasons and the world seemed a little less bright. But I needed Margot to tell me she saw that in my eyes.. I needed to realize that my heart was hurting so that I could find ways to give my heart the love and support it needed in a time that it really hurt. Sometimes I like to think I'm more fine than I actually am or that I can do it all on my own. And sometimes you have to hurt bad to realize you need people, light, support in your life. I shed my fair share of tears and had a rocky couple of months. And then I started to reach out to the world looking for some love and support. In a response to frantic "I feel like my life is falling apart and I need someone to listen" email Kylie said "Your life is going to be brilliant" something that I really really needed to hear. And two months later... my life feels pretty brilliant again, crazy how those things work isn't it.
A lot a lot of goodness has come into my life since I called my best friend from the rose gardens balling, lost, and wanting some sort of comfort I couldn't seem to find. It started with an email about applying for Search crew. I applied feeling like I had to do something with myself and two weeks ago led the retreat, wrote and gave a talk, and cried happy tears listening to the talk on community, feeling like I had found community once again. 15 of 26 of us who were in El Salvador together were here in Santa Clara over Easter and I was reminded of the me I was in El Salvador. Full of life and love to give and just so excited about the world. It hurt noticing how different I felt but I also needed to see it.. I needed to know that was in me. I went on a silent retreat the next weekend and for the first time in three months finally just stopped, checked in with myself and thought about what it is I really want out of this life. Who am I really and what the last few months were missing, leaving me hurting and low on hope. Again I was reminded to ask for help. And I was reminded of something else important that although I don't have all figured out... does something for me. I was reminded to have faith. I'm not sure what in.. but just that things work out. I know it sounds silly but I actually forgot that for a while. I wasn't sure my life was going to be brilliant or I was gonna ever experience as much love, honesty, community and happiness as I did in El Salvador. I wasn't sure my wounds would ever heal and I just couldn't really see the light. I needed Kylie to tell me my life would be brilliant and I needed to stop and get out of my head and realize life just works out... in the craziest of ways. The retreat gave me a chance to believe that something good would come out of my life. The theme was "growing in faith" and we talked about the seasons of our hearts. Mine was in a bit of a super snowy winter but I came home and as spring was blooming outside of me I said to a friend.. I feel like things are blooming inside.. I think goodness is coming. And a lot of good came.
Since I hit an all time low and then slowly was pulled back to real life I have made amazing new friendships, been accepted to positions that I feel incredibly passionate about, gotten excited about my classes all over again and had weekend after weekend of so much joy, love and newness. I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Basically life is a roller coaster and its so hard to remember that it all works out when it hurts the most. But I can always see it a lot more clearly when I look back on it. I'm pretty amazed at the way things feel now.
Junior year ends in three weeks. I'm feeling the effects of El Salvador in positive and real ways finally, ways that aren't just "man my heart hurts I wanna be back" but actually seeing how it changed me and is a part of the human becoming I will always be. I feel really really thankful for the people in my life... both those who were there though all of it and some who have come into my life just when I needed them to and helped me to see the beauty in life again. And the most basic goodness of it all. I am really excited about all life has to offer me. I am leaving for Paraguay in three weeks and although I'm nervous I am also really excited. Its going to be so new and different but its going to be another experience of loving and learning and growing. I'm excited for the weeks before and after that. I'm excited to go home in the end of August after 9 months away which is just too long to be without my best friends and my mama. And I just know that this life is good again.
So... maybe now that I got this weird awkward in between post out of the way I can actually start to blog normally again. Especially since I'll be in Paraguay and have new exciting things to talk about again. But also because there are a lot of new and exciting things in my everyday it seems. I'm sorry if this is too much.. or something. I feel weird posting it but I also know its ok. Because we are all human. Thanks Kylie for telling me my life will be brilliant and for reminding me that my blogging is of interest to someone. And thanks to all the rest of you for being love and support in my life. I am a lucky woman.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Trust
Oh hey world... I just spent the weekend Casa style. So.. Im inspired.. and back with words. Funny how that works.
This life is a funny one. It is a serious up and down struggle this transition thing. Trying to figure out what exactly it is Im doing here, what my priorities are or should be, how to keep myself balanced and full like I felt all the time in El Salvador and with who and what to invest my time. Its funny because a year ago (and the rest of the two years pre Casa at SCU) I was head over heels. Any of you who have read this blog for a while know... this place was my oasis and I was so excited about everything about it.
So I keep asking myself and others ask me... what changed, why is it such a challenge now. I think it starts with the basic answer... leaving a place for four months and coming back expecting it to be the same it was before just isnt realistic. Things and people change, and when you arent there to change with them, some space is created between you, not good or bad just space. Then there is the whole idea of what Casa did to us. I have been talking talking talking Casa the past few days.. and while for those who werent there might go crazy hearing about it, its really important for me to able to talk about and process it. So doing it with people who are on the same page is just really meaningful and helpful. Anyways.. Casa allowed us/forced us/helped us... whatever you want to say, to get closer and closer to our truest selves. Our time was carved out so differently, reflecting, questioning, listening, healing and learning were our main priorities, and we were in it with 25+ other people to support and challenge us. There is just not that kind of time to be with each other and reflect in the real world. Also, we were surrounded by a new reality. This weekend has reminded me that just being out of your routine can be extremely inspiring, challenging and refreshing. For four months we were put into a completely new life... seeing challenges and priorities that many of us had never experienced before. We were like little kids, running around excited and intrigued by all the newness, and again sharing it with each other.
In short... everything was perfectly matched up to give us space to reflect, learn, grow and go really really deep... together.
I miss that everyday. I miss the genuinity of it. The pain and hope, sadness and happiness, the rollercoaster of emotions that made up everyday. I miss being surrounded by a group of people that know me so well and have heard by deepest pains and joys.. just because we had the time to do that. The people that were with me in El Salvador (although absolutely out of this world) were not super human or for some reason especially different than the rest of the world.. the setting was just really really perfect. And I would be full of myself if I said it was all easy and peachy. We cried a lot and hurt a lot. We were really confused, tired, stressed, lost and sometimes sick of being together every minute. But there was so much good and growth in it, that the pain and confusion somehow made sense.
So... in my rambling, I guess the point is... things that happened in El Salvador are possible with the rest of the world. And I am trying to hold onto a trust in myself, the people around me, humanity and the universe that the fulfillment, depth and whatever it is that we found in El Salvador, exists outside of it too. And after experiencing that.. I have a responsibility to look for it, bring out and share it with the rest of the world. I cant just keep settling for the way things are here, and just expecting it to be meh... cause it wasnt meh for the years before I went to El Salvador and it doesnt have to be now. I just might have to try a little harder, put myself out there a little more and create it. Cause it is so possible. And if there is anything the Salvadorans taught me.. they taught me that some basic inherent thing in this world is good and we must hold onto that, trust in its ability and work with it, to get to a place of fulfillment and happiness for ourselves and people all over the world.
Sigh... I dont know if any of that makes sense. But... Yoli and I stood overlooking the ocean today talking about trust. And Im trying to get it back. Because the last couple months Ive been a little unsure, felt a little paralyzed and have been going through the motions with cruise control on and my heart off a little too much. I have tears in my eyes writing this.. I have tears in my eyes a lot lately. Both from being scared and inspired by this world. El Salvador ruined me for life... changed me forever, and I just am trying to figure out how to keep carrying it. And I wish it was easy and everything was peachy, but its really not. But weekends like this, and the little things that have been really great about being back, and hope in this world.. are good reminders.
I wish this was more eloquent, I wish all of my thoughts came out more accurately to how they sound in my head. But... this is a start (Im slightly out of practice at this blogging thing... oops) Point is... this transition is hard but the world is good and its time for me to turn my heart on and my cruise control off.. its time for me to invest and search out meaningful and deep conversations and relationships. Its time for me to give this world a bit more of a chance, cause the 12 of us in Casa Romero last semester, and 26 in our program will not be back there all together... so wishing I was there just isnt gonna make anything happen. I know that this transition isnt and never was supposed to get better overnight.. but I hope I can hold onto the inspiration that this weekend has been.
Two more random things..
I watched The Help last night and cried, laughed and everything in between. If you havent seen it GO WATCH IT.. NOW.. its all about the suffering and hope as one in this world... from before we were even thought of it. And remember "You is kind, you is smaaart and you is important"
Also.. Im applying for all these summer fellowships options lately. And its exciting, and has me inspired and seeing some real potential for my future (sometimes Im afriad Ill be living in a box on the street). Everytime I finish a different application I think that I really want that fellowship the most so its going to be a hard decision, but there are a lot of exciting opportunities in the workds.
Thanks for listening to my rambling. Happy Presidents Day. <3
This life is a funny one. It is a serious up and down struggle this transition thing. Trying to figure out what exactly it is Im doing here, what my priorities are or should be, how to keep myself balanced and full like I felt all the time in El Salvador and with who and what to invest my time. Its funny because a year ago (and the rest of the two years pre Casa at SCU) I was head over heels. Any of you who have read this blog for a while know... this place was my oasis and I was so excited about everything about it.
So I keep asking myself and others ask me... what changed, why is it such a challenge now. I think it starts with the basic answer... leaving a place for four months and coming back expecting it to be the same it was before just isnt realistic. Things and people change, and when you arent there to change with them, some space is created between you, not good or bad just space. Then there is the whole idea of what Casa did to us. I have been talking talking talking Casa the past few days.. and while for those who werent there might go crazy hearing about it, its really important for me to able to talk about and process it. So doing it with people who are on the same page is just really meaningful and helpful. Anyways.. Casa allowed us/forced us/helped us... whatever you want to say, to get closer and closer to our truest selves. Our time was carved out so differently, reflecting, questioning, listening, healing and learning were our main priorities, and we were in it with 25+ other people to support and challenge us. There is just not that kind of time to be with each other and reflect in the real world. Also, we were surrounded by a new reality. This weekend has reminded me that just being out of your routine can be extremely inspiring, challenging and refreshing. For four months we were put into a completely new life... seeing challenges and priorities that many of us had never experienced before. We were like little kids, running around excited and intrigued by all the newness, and again sharing it with each other.
In short... everything was perfectly matched up to give us space to reflect, learn, grow and go really really deep... together.
I miss that everyday. I miss the genuinity of it. The pain and hope, sadness and happiness, the rollercoaster of emotions that made up everyday. I miss being surrounded by a group of people that know me so well and have heard by deepest pains and joys.. just because we had the time to do that. The people that were with me in El Salvador (although absolutely out of this world) were not super human or for some reason especially different than the rest of the world.. the setting was just really really perfect. And I would be full of myself if I said it was all easy and peachy. We cried a lot and hurt a lot. We were really confused, tired, stressed, lost and sometimes sick of being together every minute. But there was so much good and growth in it, that the pain and confusion somehow made sense.
So... in my rambling, I guess the point is... things that happened in El Salvador are possible with the rest of the world. And I am trying to hold onto a trust in myself, the people around me, humanity and the universe that the fulfillment, depth and whatever it is that we found in El Salvador, exists outside of it too. And after experiencing that.. I have a responsibility to look for it, bring out and share it with the rest of the world. I cant just keep settling for the way things are here, and just expecting it to be meh... cause it wasnt meh for the years before I went to El Salvador and it doesnt have to be now. I just might have to try a little harder, put myself out there a little more and create it. Cause it is so possible. And if there is anything the Salvadorans taught me.. they taught me that some basic inherent thing in this world is good and we must hold onto that, trust in its ability and work with it, to get to a place of fulfillment and happiness for ourselves and people all over the world.
Sigh... I dont know if any of that makes sense. But... Yoli and I stood overlooking the ocean today talking about trust. And Im trying to get it back. Because the last couple months Ive been a little unsure, felt a little paralyzed and have been going through the motions with cruise control on and my heart off a little too much. I have tears in my eyes writing this.. I have tears in my eyes a lot lately. Both from being scared and inspired by this world. El Salvador ruined me for life... changed me forever, and I just am trying to figure out how to keep carrying it. And I wish it was easy and everything was peachy, but its really not. But weekends like this, and the little things that have been really great about being back, and hope in this world.. are good reminders.
I wish this was more eloquent, I wish all of my thoughts came out more accurately to how they sound in my head. But... this is a start (Im slightly out of practice at this blogging thing... oops) Point is... this transition is hard but the world is good and its time for me to turn my heart on and my cruise control off.. its time for me to invest and search out meaningful and deep conversations and relationships. Its time for me to give this world a bit more of a chance, cause the 12 of us in Casa Romero last semester, and 26 in our program will not be back there all together... so wishing I was there just isnt gonna make anything happen. I know that this transition isnt and never was supposed to get better overnight.. but I hope I can hold onto the inspiration that this weekend has been.
Two more random things..
I watched The Help last night and cried, laughed and everything in between. If you havent seen it GO WATCH IT.. NOW.. its all about the suffering and hope as one in this world... from before we were even thought of it. And remember "You is kind, you is smaaart and you is important"
Also.. Im applying for all these summer fellowships options lately. And its exciting, and has me inspired and seeing some real potential for my future (sometimes Im afriad Ill be living in a box on the street). Everytime I finish a different application I think that I really want that fellowship the most so its going to be a hard decision, but there are a lot of exciting opportunities in the workds.
Thanks for listening to my rambling. Happy Presidents Day. <3
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