loads and loads of thoughts :)

hellooo... i have a lot of thoughts, or i did yesterday but of course when i have them i dont have time or energy to write, then when i do im less thoughtful..


we went to the yurt saturday- monday. it was fantastic, as always.  its just an amazing unique wonderful thing. its absolutely beautiful and its with the people i went to day care with.  we sled and play in the snow and cook together and eat together and its a complete blast. your practically on top of the world and the starts are amazing and the views of the snow covered mountains and blue sky are sooo beautiful.  chels and i take forever to hike up and thoroughly enjoy each others company and pick up right where we left off. its great. it was a lot of ese and shell time which was fantastic :). i love that, i love that i live in a place where you can do that and where i am still best friends with the people i went to day care with and get to go sledding with the people i learned to sled with and relive so many memories together. its great :)


i came down from the yurt and went straight to denver where a bunch of the ryla fam met at cinzettis to all see/congratulate scotty. it was fantastic and sooo much love and happiness then a bunch of us went to mikaila's which was equally wonderful. i love them so much seriously they are my life life. and everytime after i leave i feel the post ryla blues.  but its sooo worth it. bah i cant even put it into words its just absolutely wonderful and i am sooooo freaking unbelieveably lucky to be a part of that and have a family of the most amazing people in the world :)


driving home after left my thoughts going crazy.  between the yurt/ryla get together and then talking about new years plans with liv and realizing im going home? back to school in 4 days I started thinking about all my different worlds. And how Im at a place in my life where i can totally pick and choose who I want to spend my time with and kinda filter out people, that sounds horrible but it really just means I get to find the people who really matter. and im freaking lucky to say there are a lot of them. and i absolutely love that. i love that being home i have been able to see bunches of different people and spend time with different people and keep learning from them and just living with them. its fantastic. i just feel like i've got to experience a lot and meet a lot of great people and i love living with them in my life day after day and enjoying so many things with them... and i also know there are lots more to come :)


so..im going back to the clara in 4 days. its crazy that ive almost been home for 3 weeks. in some ways i feel like ive been here forever and in lots of ways it feels like it totally flew by.  this is the longest time ive had without any responsibility (school/job) in sooo long and I freaking loved it. I got to spend sooo much time with the amazing people in my world and just do me things, i love that.  I have soaked up every minute of this beautiful little mountain town with the freshest air and bluest skies and prettiest starts and i freaking love that too. i have really enjoyed home sooo much and its a little sad to leave. ill miss my best friends, my mom, the snow, the mountains, the fresh air, going skiing, bundling up, the fireplace, my bed, the mountain culture, my doggies, no homework, fresh cooked food, my bed, my car...which allows me to go and live and explore, this town sooo much just the feel of the mountains and the beauty of it all and again most of all the people. its weird coming and going and kinda figuring out whats home and wondering when ill be back and learning how to make it all fit. but i still love every minute of it.
while there are things ill miss and it will be hard to leave im sooo excited to be back in that other world that i love so dearly. i cant freaking waitttt to be back with my roomie, i miss waking up to her and just having our little mixed life, keely, hayley, lauren, alex, stephen, mark, ryan, everyone on floor two, BERKELY and soo many other people, im excited for the palm trees, the california lifestyle, new classes and more learning and growing, more adventures, getting all dressed up and having such fun weekends, the library, the gym, some sunshine, that life and alll that it has to offer oh and drum roll please.... SCOTTY being an hour away..wooo hoo, i love that. :)
i say this over and over and over, but i freaking love that i have two worlds, two homes, and so many more that i just love and enjoy and am excited for on both ends, im really lucky


so since im going back again i have some thoughts...goals for 2nd quarter of freshmen year
straight a's again :)
more community service, especially with the kiddos
fitness classes
meet more people in my classes and wherever else
explore a little more, be outside, go places, see things
GET A JOB
study hard
keep in touch with people who matter...skype and phone calls :)
sends lots of letters 
eat healthy and a million times less snacks
manage my time
but still enjoy it
sit down with father engh and the provost to thank them more
skiiiii at tahoe :)
continue to love every second of it and soak it all up 
and soo much more


i have more thoughts as always, but this does justice for a lot of them
i skiied with ese, sami and zachy today. it was ese's first time on skis so i just stayed back with her as she got comfortable again. it was great. she is coming to cali for my birthday and im so freaking excited and so lucky to have her as my best friend. she reads me when i cant, explains my thoughts and emotions when i cant and knows me inside and out, plus i can be completely and totally me with her, every kind of me and love every minute of it and laugh the hardest :) its freaking wonderful.
then i hung out with the maddex cousins (erin shannon sean) that was fun too, we just played and laughed and enjoyed each other, playing on photo booth we had a classic moment
erin "lets be angels"
me "how do we do that"
hahahah everyone started cracking up and we just imagined grandma rolling up there after all the times she told us to act like angels :), it was fantastic.


tomorrow is new years eve. who the heck knows what we're doing. molly and i are ancy, not really into the summit high school party scene and looking for something a little new and different, we'll see what we find. crazy it's 2010...there will be lots of thoughts coming.


3 days left, i hope i can fit enough in and enjoy it, its weird how it just creeps up on you all of a sudden.

Merry Christmas with spice tea, new pjs and good plans :)

I'm too much of a cheese ball to miss posting on christmas, ask anyone they'll tell you :)
so MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
it was a different christmas
last night i went to marges and sat in the dark living room with her and my dad and tried to keep the conversation going and then opened a few presents. it was fine. just different. not at dads house, not really christmas just kinda quick present giving. then i went and saw mindy and kam which was nice. then to daves with the crew for a bit. then mom and i were home. i opened my yearly pjs which are wayyy cozy and a pretty gold locket from my mommy. that was my meaningful present and i loovee it. i fell asleep on the couch by the christmas lights and fireplace then slowly moved upstairs. woke up this morning opened a few presents and had waffles with mom and then drove to denver for christmas dinner (@ 2pm (lunch??)) with grandma, laurie, marty and jill. we have one heck of a quirky family but i love them and i have reached the point where they make me laugh. 
the big difference, no jess. it was weird, the first one ever. but, i see him all the time at school and we'll make up for it, still doesnt make me wish he was here any less but its ok
it was a good day though, mom and i made our small little christmas just fine and it was good to see the family.
oh..plus an hour long phone call with scotty to hear about the journey to hell and back and whats coming and all sorts of thoughts and ideas and excitement. probably the best part of my day :) he'll be here monday. yayyy

then i came home and planned and organized, i mean what else would i do with my free time
organized food and equiptment for the yurt
WE'RE GOING TOMORROWW!!!!
to be completely honest i havent been as excited as usual, its just been a lot of planning and from california with school too a little stressful. but its coming together and we will go and we will have a blast.  chels and ese and i will complain the whole way up and almost die but we'll also laugh and walk backwards and jam and have a blast...and hours and hours later we will make it to the top for the best nap ever. playing in the snow, cooking, playing silly games, and a little bit of crazy fun with my best friends, its fantastic and something that I loooovee has become a tradition. it will be an experience as always, but a wonderful one, two days away from life just having fun and being us, fun :)
    ok and even better, SCOTTY WILL BE HERE MONDAY and i have spent the rest of my night planning a get together....almost all of us are gonna be together soon and it is gonna be wonderful and we are gonna scream our heads off when we see each other and laugh and tell stories and be in our little ryla world for a couple days. BEAUTIFUL!! Seriously i get goose bumps thinking about it. I cant wait

so...even if christmas was different the after events are absolutely wonderful. and i really am happy that i have this wonderful life :)

merry christmas, get in your cozy pajamas and stay warm! its negative something outside. and drink some spice tea or hot cocoa or apple cider or something cozy and then think about all the wonderful things you have and christmas presents that are nothing more than the people that fill your world day after day, cause i think thats about the best present you could ask for :) at least for me it is, maybe i just got super lucky, either way im thankful and happy and sooo fortunate. <3

merry christmas eve

Happy Christmas Eve Day

I'm laying on the couch by the christmas lights and the fireplace watching Jerry McGuire with my mommy. If Jesse was here it'd be perfect, but its pretty close. We've watched this movie a million times. I found out we have the rewind pause thingy when mom missed Ray saying "did you know the average human head weighs 8 pounds" so we rewound and watched it again. The kid is our favorite. He sits on the couch with drunk Jerry "I wanna go to the zoo, lets go to the zoo NOW" i wanna take Ray to the zoo, he is hillarious.

Last night the whole crew hung out. A few funny things happen when you have boys for best friends. Em was showing us her Budapest pics and Dave was sitting behind me, I thought he was just playing with my hair little did I know he was giving me dreads...one of which is still in my hair. Then I practice my self defense and quickness. Then i get to hear some things I'd be just fine not knowing, but I have boys for best friends so I smile and nod and let them be boys. Cause I love them dearly. Boys are different, no drama no over thinking obnoxious emotions just us in the hot tub hanging out reminiscing about the silly things they did, and I tagged along :). Having those boys around and the whole leadville crew is really nice and easy. The yurt on Saturday will be fun, even if its different and a couple weird feelings, ill be with my best friends :)

Scotty got his care package and so we talk about balancing each other out, but there is no need to balance, it just balances :) and its fantastic. Mik called about plans for next week, oh boyyyyy i am soooo excited seriously soooo excited ahhhhh

Tomorrow is Christmas, its gonna be way different than all my other Christmas. But I guess its Christmas and its just the feeling, who cares if its different cause like I said in the last post, I have so many people to be my Christmas presents, day after day after day and I love that more than anything else in the world.

Im so content right now and life is really uber good :) <3

people for christmas except my life line :(

life is a funny one. a super fantastic one. but the little quirks i guess just have to make you laugh, or something.

christmas is in two days. my brother isnt home, and he isn't gonna make it home. he told me and i cried, i see him all the time now and really its not a big deal. but we are a family of three, you loose one and it makes a big difference. I was really excited for a small relaxed christmas just us, cause when its just us its ok that we have a small christmas and enjoy each other and do things we do not things other people do. he slept through his alarm and its christmas time so...there arent really flights for him to get on. this is the first christmas of my life i'll spend without him. i guess we are growing up, i guess that starts to happen, but its throwing me off a little. sigh

scotty is home! two months of the hardest thing of his life and he's done. and i couldnt be more excited for him and proud of him. and we will all be together soon and oh boy i cant wait, thats the best christmas present i could ever ask for, just us, being us and loving each others company and stories and giggling til our stomachs hurt. i cant wait.

its snowing outside and im sitting by the fireplace and just got done skiing. it is christmas time even without my brother. the whole leadville gang is getting together tonight to welcome em home from budapest, that will be lots of fun. and we are going to the yurt saturday, which also is interesting. corey cant come, meaning that sux cause thats the only time i see him and also we dont have snowmobiles. should be interesting. i told elyse and i couldnt stop laughing, because we are gonna be a mess..ey yi yi. i guess thats the fun of it.

life is really really good. i skiied with my 10 year old cousin mekenna, joan and doug yesterday and it was fantastic. mekenna is always a breath of fresh air for me. we sat on the lift and sang all our favorite fun songs and christmas songs too and we just laughed and she just played and it was great. its fun to feel like a little kid again, and to just enjoy the simple things, cause those really are the best. i skiied with zachy today and we played and joked and did lots of shell and zachy things. and davey is home and tonight will be great just being with everyone. im really excited.

the yurt has been so stressful i havent had time to be excited but i am. its our fun every year thing and we will have fun

and SCOTTY and so much ryla together in 5 days, thats fantastic.

seriously all i need for christmas are people. and i will make up for my bro not being here when i get back to school, even if it feels really funky. so im gonna go play with my leadville friends. and have a funky christmas. and play some more with this crew and then my most favorite ryla family. my life is really good. and im reminded everyday and its fantastic :)

Good morning

Good morning sunshine

Good morning blue skies

Good morning snow covered mountains

Good morning day filled with good things

Oh home, I love it here, i freaking love it here. But..the first week I loved it the most, then I start to get a little confused.

My whole life I thrive off of being so incredibly busy I cant breathe, off of totally stressing myself out and filling all my time up. And I come home and feel like I have to fit so much in and do the same. And then sometimes I feel like Im not doing enough and time just freaks me out.

I have less than two weeks left. And its gonna be so busy and I just feel like when Im sitting at home Im doing something wrong, like I should be doing something with this time I have until I meet molly at 12. I could go skiing but I dont wanna ski by myself, i want Zachy to go ski with me but he has to go to Breck. Ugh. I dont like just having copper and a basin, next year I hope I have a job and some money to buy myself a pass so I can ski wherever. Its not that abasin and copper are bad at all its just I want to be able to ski with everyone and everyone skis at Breck.

I went to Britts on Saturday and her and Sarah and I had such a fantastically RYLAesque night. We saw the Blindside (again) which is sooo freaking good it gives me goosebumps the whole time and at the end I have a little more faith in the world (very RYLA) then we went to Britts and stayed up for hours and hours talking all about RYLA and remembering all the random silly moments and getting goose bumps again and anticipating next year, which is scary for us and a funny thing. Most likely we will be back, but there are no guarantees, so we worry our little heads off since it has become such a huge piece of our lives. We talked about going in this year knowing what we're doing, which seems a lot better than our fears and worries of last year. Oh RYLA i just love it like nothing else in the world. We laughed so hard it hurt thinking of Kels's laugh and Terry and all sorts of fun random things that can only be as funny as they are on 3 hours of sleep nightly and complete mental exhaustion, its fantastic. Then we had lunch with Kerry which was great. He sees the world through fantastic eyes and our views match up. College has done us so much good and Im just glad we understand the world the same. Hopefully we will all be together soon in a weekish?!?! We're hoping Scotty will be here, and Im hoping i will here from Scotty TOMORROW! Crazy

Then I came home sooo tired and cried to my mom. Ive been doing a lot of that lately. Its like cause at school I never cry I have to take care of it all while Im home with my mommy. A few things just dont feel right. Things change and I gotta get used to that. But really things are pretty damn great.

Im gonna workout with mol, then Christmas shop with Liv and Steph and then maybe sled or something else with the crew. Which p.s. is something I really miss and love that we can get together again and laugh and just be us. We all hung out on Friday night and I forgot how big a part of my life time at Derek's with everyone was, it was a blast :). Maybe Christmas shopping will make me feel more Christmasy. Maybe I will make some Christmas cookies while I get wait to go workout. Or maybe I dont even have time.

Christmas is on Friday and Jesse gets here on Wednesday. I dunno what we're doing yet but Im actually excited for a small, relaxed Christmas without loads and loads of presents. Just some family time will be nice. We go to the yurt on Saturday. I'm trying to be excited, I really am, Im just worn down from planning, I will not be planning next year so we'll see if this is the last year.

Hopefully we can play in the snow today, but there really isnt much which is sad. Home is great and just gotta love it. :)

winter wonderland

I am incredibly happy right now...

Its dumping outside, dumping

we skiied today and it was fantastic

we just went to see the Blindside...absolutely AMAZING movie

I am absolutely in love with home

I'm laying on the couch listening to christmas music

Life is sooo incredibly good.

I came home, and to be completely honest there is a big chunk of me wondering why I ever left this place. Dont get me wrong, I love Santa Clara and couldn't ask for anything better. But THIS is all me, all home, my culture, my life. The blue sky, the fresh feeling air, the stars, the coziness, the small town, the snow, the cold, the skiing...I absolutely love it. And because I left I love it more than ever have in my life, and I feel like 4 years is a long time to be away. But ill be back in between. I just love it here, i love the feel, I miss it like crazy and i really love the snow. Its a feeling you cant get anywhere else, and I just am so glad I grew up in this beautiful little place.

I told Britt last night all the people I love (most of them at least) are closest to here, and I miss that too. I was talking to Zachy about it too. I love being home cause i can see all of the people who are my family...family of amazing wonderful best friends. Zachy, Ese, Tiff, Dave, Britt and all of RYLA, Mindy and Kam, mommy, Liv, Molly, Kali, they are all here, and I am not and its ok I love that I am in California, but I also love that I can come home to them, cause I am strong because of them :)

We just saw the Blindside, sooooo sooo good. Such a me movie, sooo feel good and ahhh it was just fantastic. Sandra Bullock is a freaking bad ass, and I would LOVE to be a mother like her. The little boy is adorable, big Mike's little side kick and just fantastic and gosh its just so good. I loved it.

Tomorrow I'm gonna try to ski again, somewhere and then hang with Tiff. I'm really really really really happy. Seriously, its wonderful :)

I wanna make a snow angel, maybe in a bit

fall quarter...check

I'm done with my first quarter of freshmen year, waaaaa hoooo. My finals went well and now Im packing to go home which is again the weirdest thing and this time even weirder cause Im going home for three weeks. I kinda feel like I'm moving out. And I dont really know how to pack for three weeks at home so of course I have sooo much stuff, just in case... Its crazy that we are done with this quarter. In some ways it feels like we just moved in yesterday and in some ways it feels like we've been here forever. Man its been soooo great, I freaking love this place so so so much, its perfect and everything I hoped for it to be. I sent emails to the provost and Father Engh this morning saying thanks for getting me here...if it weren't for them I wouldnt be here, who knows how life would be. But this is amazing and I love it.

I'm a little unsure about going home. I mean Im sooo excited. Kali and Molly are picking me, Zachy and I are going skiin Sunday, Katie gets home Monday and I get lots of time with Tiff and everyone else. Im stoked, its gonna be a blast. It'll just be weird being away from here. But I think it will probably fly by. And be really really fun. I'm sooooo excited for the snow. And home, my own space will always be something to look forward to there.

I LOVE that I love it here and am excited to go home and then excited to come back, its freaking fantastic sooo fantastic it makes my toes wiggle :)

Tuesday night Hayley and I went to the Nutcracker in San Francisco, it was amaazzzinng. The costumes were soo cool and the dancing was great and the theater was sooo huge and gorgous. We were really freaking far away but it didnt matter one bit. It was a feel good experience, made me think of RYLA and mi familia a lot. Just like people who are so good at that sharing their talent with an audience of people in awe. It was great. And its sooo neat that San Francisco is so close and we can go there and do that. Plus it helps a lot that Jes is there so we could just stay with him. It was awesome :)

My camera was stolen (I think) keep your fingers crossed that maybe it will find its way back. Its really frustrating. First of all Im just blown away that someone would come into my room and open my drawer and take my camera out. Plus they left the charger and the cord so they cant do much with it but we have searched everywhere and I know it was in that drawer on Sunday. It blows my mind that people have it in them to do that, I always just expect people to be good and trustworthy, and I guess they might not always be, too bad. I think it also might be a little bit of a small town thing. A couple nights ago I was watching the news at the gym and there were something like 10 different deaths in San Jose just in one day and I was just soooo blown away. Thats when I realized how sheltered I've been. Of course you hear about all the crime and violence but I guess I never thought it was real, its insane, blows my mind. And I guess the camera thing is a little similar, ughh. Its also frustrating cause there are sooo many people here who are loaded who could easily just buy a new camera, but they had to steal from the poor girl who will now stress about how in the world I can afford a new camera. I dunno its all around a frustrating situation. I'm still hoping we'll find it or someone will return it.

Anyways, im excited to be home. Sad to be leaving this world. Ready for Scotty to be home. And so ready for the snow :)

I have so much to love, and everyday I remember that, something like a camera being stolen cant bog me down, it'll just teach me to ALWAYS lock my door, you never know whos around.

Goodbye fall quarter of freshmen year, hello winter time at home :)

Bring me some snow would ya?

right where i need to be with some holiday spirit

home has been in the title of so many of my blogs lately. and its kinda confusing. but i got back here, to school, my dorm room, my fantastic friends, second floor swig, palm trees, constant chaos, gym, library, beautiful campus, california, and something felt just right. home was great, dont get me wrong (leadville home), my best friends are there, so many things are there. But right now, this is right where Im supposed to be, and exactly what feels good. When Im in Leadville/ Summit I feel like I have to deal with a lot of life, and when Im here I get to deal with me, and do whatever it is that makes my heart content, no expectations, no drama, no past, just me, being me, and whoever I want to be. Everything fits here, everything Ive been through makes sense, where I'm going makes sense. And when I sit on my couch by the fireplace, while its so comforting and there are soo many amazing things, life gets a little bit confusing, like it was a lot of the times I sat on that couch...so many memories, so many ups and downs, so many whys and what ifs and this and that and just a lot of thoughts. So, while I will continue to love going home cause that is a huge piece of my heart and my world and my family is there and all the things I grew up loving, i will also continue to know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And so lucky to come back here where everything feels just right.

And then... today I took a picture with Santa, had my first candy cane, decorated my room and made snowflakes. Christmas music has been playing for a few weeks, Hayley sprayed her cinnamon Christmas smell air freshener. The spirit is in the air and gosh I just love it. I was thinking about all those things as a kid. Sitting on Santa's lap and eating your first candy cane they are such exciting things. Its like a chance to dream of and hope for everything you want and feel a whole lot of love and excitement. You sit on Santa's lap and you feel like the world is yours to dream of and your imagination goes crazy. The elves at the north pole, Santa and his reindeer, all the things you might get for Christmas and the big fat man squeezing down your chimney, you can dream like crazy and when your little nothing gets in the way. You eat your first candy cane of the season and you just anticipate all the yummyness that is to come and all the fun and happiness and spirit and joy, all the things that naturally come along with Christmas and make your heart feel a little fuller. Those are the things we need to hold onto, the things that make us soar when we are little kids, a childlike heart, an imagination, dreams, and simple pleasures. Not just at Christmas but all the time. Especially at Christmas though, the love, the joy, the dreams, and the giving. Member when you were little and made your mom a present and it was the best feeling ever when she opened it with a huge grin on her face, we need to remember that in giving, small simple things, not necesarrily big materialistic things. We should feel the spirit, make snow flakes, dance to Christmas music, take your time making your candy cane as poky as you possibly can, and dream of all the things Santa could bring to you. Maybe now you think of success, happiness, a family, a good job, some fun, whatever it may be and not so much that new doll or the big teddy bear or the AWESOME barbie jeep, but your dreaming, even if it never quite turns out perfect, its the spirit of the season that matters. Family, happiness, joy, giving and the feeling that I cant put into words but you all know exactly what I mean. Make some snowflakes, a Christmas list, decorate your house, light some cinnamon candles and listen to the most enjoyable seasonal music ever and feel it as much as you can. Just enjoy it for the spirit instead of stressing about the craziness, it feels good.

Theres my little early Christmas spiel, its only December 3rd so you have LOTS of time :)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS and Happy Christmas Spirit

P.S. Going to a private Catholic school allows for all the Christmas spirit you want with no worries about being politically correct, I like that, no offense to those who dont celebrate Christmas, its just a fun feeling :)

torn, emotions, toe wiggling, plans

Its 8:09 on Saturday night, I leave tomorrow mornign at 6 am to head back....home? to school, to SCU, to California, to my other life, I'm not sure what to call it. And in that I'm a little torn. Thats the best word I can come up with for how I feel right now. Torn, between too many things. Torn between my two worlds, one here in Colorado and one there in California, so separate, so different, and each equally wondeful. Torn between my two worlds just in this little place, Leadville and Summit, each with great friends and different feelings and different pasts and understandings. Torn between my emotions, so many emotions. Ready to go back, sad to leave, ready to move on, scared to let go, content, discontent, full (of life and friends and love), like i didnt fit enough in. My emotions between torn is normal, for everyone, but I just feel it a lot right now for some silly reason. This is a great place to come back to, and Santa Clara is an amazing place to go back to, I'm really lucky and I think thats why I'm torn.

My emotions are confused. Home holds a lot and it feels complicated for so many reasons. It brings back lots of memories, memories that are gone, and wont come back. But others will come, they always do. Relationships are tough. I'm on the roller coaster of my 2nd relationship come and gone, relationship that mattered, and felt this complicated. Its hard wanting someone to love and take care of you, in a different way then your best friends. Its hard feeling so close to someone and then so far away. Its hard knowing that its right, but feeling like its wrong or at least not easy. Its hard changing, and seeing people change, and its hard saying, yep this is not gonna be easy but I'm gonna hold on and wait til it gets there. Round two is easier though, at least I know I'll get past that. It seems silly to be caught up in that, but it was a big piece of my life. But I know we will come to a place where we are friends, and it feels better and nice, kinda like will now, we are finally to a great place and it feels nice and easy, and I love that.

Mei Ratz, head counselor my RYLA year, has again inspired me. She is amazing. In my funk I went to her blog for some inspiration and it was just what I needed. She talked about doing something everyday that makes your toes wiggle. For her its photography and so many other things. At first I thought wow I really dont know what it is that makes my toes wiggle, then I realized there are so many little things. Good music, writing in this blog, going to the gym, being with friends, helping kids, learning, questioning, being in the sunshine. Sometimes I do those things, and sometimes I forget to do some of them, it was a nice little reminder.

The other part that really clicked for tonight was about plans. And how she had all these plans, and they didnt really happen, and now they could happen but they dont have to be written stone, but rather just come from the flow of life. I think that is such an important thing to live by. Plans change, so maybe its better to not change. I used to talk about how plans changing was all part of the plan, as silly as that is its true, so why plan? I mean to an extent, obviously you have dreams and goals and ideas and thoughts about how it will go, but who says it has to go exactly that way. Life is gonna take you where it takes you, things happen for a reason, I really truly believe that, so why not just let things happen, and try your best to take the hard things with a grain of salt. And hold onto the good things like they are gold, because they are, let those move you, help you fly, and form your life. Cause that is what life is about, forming.

Hmm, this break has been great. I really saw so many people that I wanted to see and enjoyed the stars and the crisp air and my family and my bed and my best friends and so many of things that home has to offer. And now I will go back to my other world to enjoy all the wonderful things that place has to offer, and in less than two weeks I'll be back here for more time to enjoy all of this. So I few things I wanna do when Im back

ski

build a snowman

sled

ice skate

spend the day with cate, ski, drink hot cocoa, talk all night

play with megsy, giggle, watch good movies, make yummy food

have more time with all my friends

more time with mommy

exercise more

be outside more

bundle up and lay under the stars

spend time with friends talking about all of life, for the sake of feeling together

see people who are far away and near by, ryla and young ryla friends, young ryla team, ect

cook yummy healthy home cooked food

bake

curl up with my best friends and watch good movies

give

learn

love

read a good book

take the doggies for a walk

go to the lake

be creative

send love in mail and packages and homemade gifts :)

adventure...EXTRAVAGANZA

and so many more things, not plans, just options ;) haha

I'm better now, this always makes me better. And makes sense of my crazy never stopping head. See you tomorrow Santa Clara, place that has so amazingly become my home, where I used to hope I'd end up. And see you in twelve days Colorado, beautiful mountainly homey love of a world :) thanks for making my toes wiggle :)

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and seriously I have so much to be thankful for so...heres a list of just some things

mom, jesse, dad, all the extended family

zachy, ese, chelsey, dave, will

liv, molly, catie, steph, alyssa, kali

hayley, keely, stella, alex, lauren, mark, ryan, stephen, everyone at school

sooo many more people

mindy, kam, jeremy

all the people who have walked in and out of my life and changed me in some way

SUNSHINE

RYLA

Scotty, Britt, Mikaila, JR, Jess, Molly, Melissa, Andy, Heather, Kelsey, Peter, Gamachu, Kerry, Sarah,David, Rolo, Craig, Patricia, every single counselor and staff

all my kiddos on team H and all the rest of the amazing campers

Leadville

mountains

snow

Summit County Schools

amazing teachers

hard things that made me stronger

Eric Robert Maddex and all that he has given me

miracles

being at Santa Clara

good grades

differences

open mindedness

giving back

homes in so many places

a bed

great food

fun, so much fun

blue sky

stars

delicious water

laughter

inside jokes

music music music

phones and internet that keep me close to people who are far away

the holidays that bring people together

hot tubs

delicious food

hard work

motivation

optimism

compassion

LOVE

time

words

warm clothes

being able to talk about things

growing

changing

learning

questioning

flowers

best friends

pictures

chocolate milk

tea

cozyness

cuddling

back massages

doing nothing sometimes

youth

emotions

fresh air

skiing

volleyball

the gym

the library

books

things to write with

a working healthy body

art

exercise

this list could go on forever, thank you world for giving me so much, thank you for people in my life for giving and constantly being there, i am amazingly blessed and dont go a day without remembering that :) <3

love, so much love

I'm sitting in Borders in Denver. I just spent the afternoon with Britt, my twin from RYLA and I imagine my heart like a blow up ball that has been reinflated. We sat and we just reminisced about RYLA and all its amazingness and all the people and how its changed our lives. God I love that place. We missed everyone, I want so bad for everyone to be together, that is one amazing family. We teared up, just thinking about it, got the chills, laughed so hard thinking about Terry and his wood gathering, and so many things. I miss that place, I cant wait to go back. We talked about how amazingly lucky we are to have been able to go back. As much as going to RYLA as a camper changed my life being a counselor completely turned my life around 180 degrees and is such a big part of me and my world and its absolutely amazing. Wow, it makes my heart flutter. Just that 3 hours with Britt brought it all back, and almost made me just yearn to have it all back more, I cant wait, I cant freaking wait.

I'm going to pick Liv up in a few hours, ahhh Im excited. The past 5 years have been Liv and I doing so much together going through so much life together and being connected at the hip, its been weird being away, i cant freaking wait to be back with her. We are gonna scream and laugh and cry and go crazy. YAYYYY

As if theres not enough going on today. Steph and I went to the highschool today to say hi to people. That was really fun, it was good to see people, and weird to be back there. What a big part of our life that was, so many things happened in that place. Crazy crazy.

I love being home, i have so many places to call home and I seriously couldnt ask for anything better. Everyday I am reminded of how blessed I am. So much love today, Jess and the fam and Zachy will be home tomorrow and Thursday Ese will be here, its all so great. And there is so much love in my life even if it has been a rollercoaster, I have learned so much and have the best support group I could ask for.

We were all talking about if we've changed, I dont think I've changed much, its still me at the core but I feel like I've figured a little bit more out, I've seen more, questioned more, broadened my world more, and will every minute for the rest of my life. I love it. Gosh I love it. It actually kinda freaks me out haha. I miss Scotty, a lot and Jeff comes home tomorrow and that makes me nervous. And Im not censoring that cause its silly. But its all good, so good, and I am a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. So :) I'll just let them happen

home

I'm home. I'm sitting on my couch. Alone. Seriously, this is the first time I've really been alone for two months. Its crazy. And I'm talking to a million people online just to fill the space. But I'm home, I'm freaking home.

Yesterday was a weird day. I was so tired and sick and things just werent as I thought they'd be, of course I was way over analyzing it and mostly things are just right, but the little things stuck out and I was just caught off guard. I live two totally seperate lives right now, and its just hard to wrap my mind around it. It's like I just had a really long dream and now I'm awake and back to this life. Its so surreal and such a weird thing to grasp.

I spent the night with Tiff and the boys and it was nice. Then Tiff stayed and that was even better, we talked forever, about everything, and our heads just match up, and its amazing. Today we just moped around then I went to Summit to see the girls and it was so great. It felt like nothing had changed at all. Other than the new stories, it was still us, sitting on Molly's couch and then going to Giams for pizza, like nothing had changed at all. It was perfect. Then I came home and spent two hours on the couch with Dave, which was also perfect. I miss him like crazy and we had so much to catch up on.

Being with friends made home less weird, it made it feel like we never went away. Like we just fell into everything we always were, none of my inside jokes with people at school came up, and I felt right at home. And all the silly things about each other we're back and we noticed them and it was so nice.

And the stars, the freaking stars are amazing. Even more amazing than they used to be, I had no idea then. They are beautiful and it blows my mind. And the mountains. And the air, it feels so different than the air I know and so crisp and fresh feeling, its amazing. And the water, delicious. Its great. I love it here.

It scares me to think...that this is starting to become less home. I love it here, even more than I knew I did and I dont wanna let go of it. Not that I totally have to but I do a little bit and that feels weird to me. So weird. Kinda like letting go of a lot of other things. I dunno if anyone is good at letting go but I'm definitely not. Weird.

Gosh, my head is starting to go crazy, and Im starting to think about a million things. But its one in the morning and my head hurts and I will think later. But I'm happy to be home. So happy. At first I was really unsure, but its slowly fitting back into place, and feeling more right. So, here's to a week at home, and enjoying this part of my life, while I embrace the rest of my life <3

what am i excited for???

Jes asked what I'm excited for

my bed

the mountains

zachy

ese

mom

chels

tiff

liv

susan and jim

molly

stephy

lara

kali

alyssa

alyssa

davey

a shower without flip flops

my own space

the smell of my house

snow

leadville

bella

my crazy dysfunctional family

the smell of thanksgiving

my fireplace

my couch

zachy's couch

nozawaaa

laughing

telling stories

britt

ryla everyone!

my bed

my doggies

snow

sweatshirts

jackets

cold weather, lots of warm clothes

sledding

hot chocolate

snow angels

food that is not from benson

sleeeeeeppinngggg

leadville water

provin grounds

casa blanca

moms mashed potatoes

doing nothing

laundry in my laundry room

home made french toast

lots of tea

cuddling with the people i love

looking out the window at the heart in elbert

taking a break from constantly meeting and learning

omg the list could go on forever

the feel of leadville, you know what im talking about

home, i am excited for every piece of home, seriously this is so exciting. in 12 hours ill be landing :) yay

home, thanks life

I'm going home in a day and a half. That is insane. I started packing tonight..to go home, that is also crazy. I'm not sure what to pack, I dont know what I wear there, Ive gotten so used to here. I like that Im going home to the comfort of hoodies and jeans and clogs, just a metaphor of all the other comforting things Im going home too. The girls were saying they will have no one to cuddle with. I'm going home to so many people to cuddle with, my Zachy, my favorite to cuddle with. I cant believe I'm actually going. I am so excited.

Tonight we had thanksgiving dinner with our whole floor. It was great. And a perfect way to spend our last night here, so fun and cozy and just happy feeling. I love it here. I love my friends so much. I will miss this place and look forward to coming back. I have two amazing worlds, I really do and I feel so lucky.

Our RYLA campers are planning a get together, they are adorable and we are so proud. It will be great if all get to see each other. I love RYLA so much, wow.

I also got an email from Scotty's mom relaying his message to me in the single letter he could send Sunday. I was so happy to hear from him, even indirectly. I miss him, I'm glad to know he is hanging in there even though I know its tough, there is a journal you can read and it just sounds like they are having a hard time. But hard time doesnt phase Scotty. Hmm.

Its all a little bit of home :)

I'm just happy. So happy with so much to be happy for and so many amazing people in my life to love and be loved by and so many great things going for me. Thanks life :)

giving, living, loving

The gym is my favorite place in the world. I seriously could end this at that, but I guess I'll elaborate. My heads been a little crazy today, there has been a lot happenign these last couple weeks. Not really directly affecting me but directly affecting the people I love, lots of loss and some serious hurt and I just dont like it. Elyse called me last night and was so upset about something too big, and I stayed on the phone with her just trying to hug her and love her and tell her it was gonna be ok through the phone. Then I talked to Liv, trying to make sense of this stage in her life. And Britt's been hurting and Katie, and grandma passing and other things. Its not fair, my grandma passing away is fair, it was time, but all the other things are not fair. And especially because the bad things are happening to the best people, thats a funny thing, and a whole nother conversation. I was having a really hard time trying to be there through the phone, not being able to hug them and give them a little of the sense of joy that I have spent most my time here feeling. Its a hard thing being far away, its a hard thing seeing the people you love in pain and I was starting to get defensive. Mess with me and I'll probably walk away silently, but mess with my friends and I will drop everything and pull out some harshness to make things better for them. Weird how that works, reminds me of my mommy. I gotta be careful with it. All these things are happening and Im here loving things and just ready to give Ese and Liv and Tiff and Britt and my dad a hug, cause thats the easiest most meaningful way to show you care. I was exhausted from staying up late doing loads of homework and spending time on the phone trying to make people feel better and I was starting to get a little unstable, as Katie talked to me about Novie and Dashe (Sean's girls) I cried, I obviously needed something.

I went to the gym just like every other night and just like every time I go it saves me. It lets me forget about everything else and find some peace of mind. Running or biking or whatever it is lets me get out some stress and emotions physically. In religion today we learned about one guys philosophy that emotions are very physical, and at the gym I can release some of that. I can focus on me, when a lot of the time Im trying to make sure everyone else is ok and in a weird way I can just relax. Its amazing, its my escape, it makes everything a million times better and rejuvinates me every time, thats why I keep going, I'm addicted and I love it.

My religion class is starting to get a little more deep and thoughtful, a little more relative and with a little more room for interpretation. Heres a little something from this huge paper we had to do about our experience, just cause its relative and so true.

While walking out of the Zen center Master Jian Ling, Vice Abbot complimented me, “You are so kind”, he said thoughtfully “in Zen Buddhism we call you a living Bodhisattva”. I was speechless. This simple compliment from the Abbot was the most meaningful I have ever received. The abbot complimented me for being kind because of many small occurrences of helping others throughout the day, and in this simple sentence relayed to me what Buddhism, and in my mind, so many religions are about at the core. Religion is about caring for others, being aware of yourself and the people around you and being mindful of doing the right thing. Although I have not come to a full understanding of religion, I have come to a greater realization of the importance of constantly being aware, of my self and of my interactions with others. I was reminded to always be caring and open to others solely because it’s the right thing to do. If the cycle of being aware and complimenting others can continue and spread maybe we can reach a better place in this world of chaos. Maybe there can be a little more peace and love, and maybe by being more aware of ourselves and our interactions with others we can really create change. Whether you choose to pray to a higher power or to meditate to clear your mind, what matters is the way you live your life, how you act in everyday situations, and your perception of the world. Despite the differences, I’ve learned that religion is a guideline for living right. No matter which religion you choose, what the rituals are, who the higher power is, or what salvation means, being religious means finding a way to get the most out of life, and more so to give the most you possibly can and be the best you can be.

I think its meaningful. And I feel like through all the ups and downs, and bringing them here and putting them into my classes I have learned quite a bit. Maybe more than someone my age would perfer to have learned as a consequence of some of the not so fun moments. But Im here and Im alive, and when I think about my past, really I think about so much good, and the bad barely graces my mind, except all its taught me. I wanna be caring and open and mindful. I want to always hold onto the sunshine. I wanna give as much as I can but take care of myself at the same time. I wanna live as best as I can, ha cliche right, ya totally but its true, so day by dad, I need to remember :)

i love it. i love the amazing people in my life.

I'm laying in bed eating Hayley's yummy irish oatmeal, its a second dinner, but its delicious and Im very thoughtful. My eyes hurt from staring at the computer for hours trying to write my paper and wasting time on facebook in the mean time. I decided to put it away and I started being very thoughtful. I am going home in a week, I am unbelievably excited, its a feeling that I've never felt, I cant explain it other than I am sooo incredibly excited, but I say that about other things but this is different. Its like I can feel it in my heart how excited I am, how happy I am to go home. Its a week now, not even, in less than a week I will be home, sitting on Zachy's couch after giving my mom the biggest hug ever and spending a few silent minutes or maybe an hour in my bed. I really want to cry thinking about it because it sounds so great. I started making real plans with Liv and Molly and Megsy, not just OMG WE HAVE TO HANG OUT...this is what we are gonna do, cause I will actually be there. Wow, its great that being here makes there a million times better.

I also know that after 12 hours away from this place I am gonna miss it like crazy. I will miss the warmth and the flip flops. I will miss Keely and Stella and Hayley, I will miss Hayley and Keely and I's craziness and all the fun we have. I'll miss Stephen's massages and walking down to Mark and Ryan's room to bug them and annoy them and be the crazys that we are. I'll miss getting ready all in one room for too long and having them right here to help me choose what to wear. I'll miss my naps in the sunshine. I'll miss the gym just a walk away. And I'll miss the delicious salads. I will miss having people around all the time (a little bit) I will miss this room, I will miss this view, i will miss this routine. And just when I start to miss it enough I will be back. I will miss our inside jokes, its gonna be funny having inside jokes with other people than the people at home, thinking of our jokes and having to laugh to myself cause they wont understand. Its weird that they wont understand, but we will have our own jokes, from so many years, and in a week or an hour or a day will make more. Its perfect, I love it here and I love it there, what more could I ask for. Its funny how I feel like I have a lot of homes. Last year it was Leadville and Summit. My house, Zachy's house, Liv's house, Meigan's house, Jeff's house, the Fretz's, Ese's house, Mindy's in Avon, SHS, Young RYLA those have all been homes. Now here is another one, a really big one, one that is all in one place, but oh so much home. Home is a funny thing. Physical, mental, funny, funny how it fits how it becomes how it changes. Its also just with people, like it doesnt matter where I am in the world if Im with Ese and Zachy and Chels and Dave and Liv and everyone from RYLA or any of those people Im at home, thats even greater. I like it, I like having so many homes.... Michigan too, a home forever and for always, now so different without Grandma. I like that there are so many places I feel at home, cause the feeling is what is so great, the feeling of being so comfortable no matter what, the feeling of finally being home, all those places have been that to me and I think Im soooo freaking lucky to have that at so many homes :).

I spent Thursday night and Friday as a complete disaster, so sad and upset and kinda lost. I was so upset about Grandma, an upset that kinda caught me off guard. I felt it soo much, I spent ten minutes on the phone with mom just crying and crying and crying. A life lost, what does that mean. It means so much and its such a crazy concept. Then being so upset about Grandma and being here where I just wasnt with my mom or my best friends, I got so homesick, something I havent been yet and it was the craziest feeling, like at the drop of a hat I was just gonna cry my eyes out and like nothing else mattered except getting home. I just wanted to lay in bed and do nothing, but luckily it only lasted a day and half and then I got better. I have so much sunshine in my life to pick me up when Im down. Thursday night I talked to Liv forever and she heard me and felt with me and made it better, and Gamachu brought some sunshine back into my life and Britt and I thought about RYLA and how much sunshine that is. Then Friday Hayley and Keely, my lovely trio girls dragged me to SF to take food to the sick and the homeless and slowly life seemed a little less scary and all the sunshine came back out. And my little cousin Shannon said "I think she lived for a long time and had a good life and now she is at peace and I think we should celebrate her life" and shes right. Of course its so sad she is not with us anymore, hard to let go even though my once a year trip to MI was the only time I saw her, its hard to know she wont be there next year, but she was there for the last 18, and she has done so many great things, and now she is with Eric and Grandpa and all the people Kyle said she started talking about and she's happier. And im happy for her and Im lucky I had her in my life, even if we butted heads like crazy, she taught me a lot, she really did, and she was at that cottage every summer, the cottage that is my favorite place on Earth, shes the reason we have it, shes the reason it has survived, this family has survived, and shes amazing for that. I cant make it to the funeral, but I will be there in spirit, sending my thoughts to Grandma and my love to all the family who feels this loss too, and a little reminder to hold onto the sunshine, cause really whats life without the sunshine?

I am so excited to go home and get a piece of ALLLL the sunshine that they have there, and Thanksgiving is such a homey holiday. All the family there, the smells, the warmth, the packed house, the full tummies, its perfect. And my best friends. And the snow. Its all so perfect. I love it. I love it here too and Im so lucky to be here in the sunshine with amazing friends and amazing adventures. And I just really am thankful to have this amazing life that i have, its really really fantastic and whenever Im down all I have to do is look around because I have the most amazing people in my life and have been pushed and helped so much in getting where I am and am just so damn lucky :). I love it.

Rest in Peace Grandma

My dad called a couple hours ago, Grandma passed away this morning. Wow, thats kind of all I know to say. Ive cried and cried, and feel a little alone here at school. I know people care, but its just not my mom and Ese and Zachy and Liv, I need them to hug me and hold me and just feel it a little bit with me. We knew this was coming, but it doesn't matter how much your expecting it, it still hits hard, and like Bryan and Kyle said, its kind of a numb feeling. I cant believe she is gone, that woman had the strongest will I have ever known, I thought she was going to will herself to live forever. She was amazing, she was crazy, but what grandma isn't? She held those boys together, she was the Queen of the Maddex family. So strong, so independent, a lot of things that I want to be. I cannot believe she is gone. She went when it was time though. Sounds like the last couple days she went down fast and she didn't suffer too much so thats good, she is in peace now.

I hope more than anything she is with Eric, I dont know what I believe in, but I do believe in Eric up there watching over me, and now I hope they are together, with Grandpa too, and all sorts of other amazing people. I imagine it sort of being like a birth in that world, like everyone is excited to welcome her, especially cause she had a long, well lived life. And it was time. I hope she can hug Eric, for me, for her, for mom and dad and Jesse, and for everyone else. I just can only hope she is at peace and happy and rejoicing with the people she has missed.

The cottage wont be the same without her, it really will be so different and so weird. Death is the weirdest thing, I really cant grasp it, I don't know how you are supposed to. I guess if nothing else it reminds you of how special life is and how special the people in your life are.

I'm glad I got to be with her this summer and cook for her and sit inside and read while she slept, that was a good way to spend my last time with her, a really good way.

I'm thinking about the family, i know this has to be so hard on everyone, the boys. I know its hard on my daddy, I wish i could hug him cause thats as far as emotions go with him, but thats enough in this situation. I am even more ready to go home now. I don't actually know how this is gonna feel now, we'll see. I love you Grandma, I love you everyone who is in my life. Hold on tight to those who are close to you, it's really really important.

for katie...and for sean...and all those who feel this

Last night I opened my email and had a short message from Katie "I need you more then anything..." her uncle who has been battling cancer passed away Saturday morning. She is very very close to her uncle and aunt and their kids and spent time out there this summer (a lot of time) helping with the kids and such as Laura and Sean worked at keeping him healthy. There were ups and downs, times when they felt there was a miracle on the horizon, and times when nobody knew exactly what would happen. Sean lived much longer then expected, and through my numerous conversations with Katie, and more recent frequent visits to the website dedicated to Sean and keeping the world updated on his struggle, Sean was an absolutely amazing man. He was an art teacher who students absolutely loved, he had an amazing sense of humor seen in his loving interactions with his kids, sold his own amazing artwork, and so much more. When I got the email I cried for Katie, more then anything my heart broke not being able to be there for her. She said she cant talk on the phone right now, its just too hard to talk about...completely understandable and expected, I wish I could fly home to be with her. She was so emotionally involved in Sean's journey, felt it from so many different angles just as I'm sure so many people involved with Sean and the family did. It's such sad news, crazy how the greatest people are taken from us, sometimes I think there must be some higher power to take people like Eric and Ms.Oaks and Sean, it's not fair, not fair at all, especially to those who are left behind, with the greatest mark on their heart, one that they aren't ready to let go of. Sean touched so many people's life, Katie told me all about it and the guestbook is a total testament to that. I hurt for his wife, for his girls who don't get to have their daddy around for the rest of their life. This struggle of his cancer just became a whole new struggle for the girls and Laura especially, as for everyone else involved. I just hope, that higher power, if he's there can take care of them, or the world, their friends, family, and people on the street who know nothing, I hope they can share smiles and love and memories and continue on in the life Sean lead them and was beside them through. Its crazy how my heart broke hearing the news, how I sat in my room with the door closed crying, at a loss for Katie, a loss for not being able to be there for her. I love you Katie, you will be stronger because of this, you already are, still I wish you didn't have to feel this, i wish nobody ever had to feel the pain of loss. So...think about Katie and Sean and his friends and family, smile at people in the street, maybe they lost someone, be thankful for the people in your world and tell them everyday, cause life is in no way predictable and no way fair. Hang in there love, you'll get through this.

home...the spot where my heart is fully content and at ease

Yesterday on my three hour train ride to San Fran (there was a crash) I wasted time looking through my entire Iphoto library. It started the beginning of senior year...mostly homecoming and on. I looked at every single picture, relived every single moment, and relished in the fact that i have the most amazing friends. In 8th grade when I first moved to Summit and even through Sophomore year it wasn't an easy road, I wasn't sure where I fit, not that most of us were, but I felt like I didn't fit. By senior year I found my world. Those girls in all the pictures....Liv, more then anyone else, Steph, Catie, Molly, Alyssa, Kali..they characterize my high school experience. We had our ups and downs but in some shape they had been a part of it since the beginning. Each shaping a piece of my life, going through all the crazy times and all the hard times and all the amazing times, we had a great thing. We got closer and closer, and left each other behind with tears. Now, two months into freshmen year of college I cant wait to see them, to hug them, to be at home with them.

Even more, the pictures pretty much led to my conclusion that senior year, from start to finish was about as good as it could get. Ya, there were some serious hardships, but so many other things color the memories so much brighter. GREAT friends, great memories and a really great relationship to top it all off. Really, it was fantastic, in so many billions of ways, and I'm so happy that I ended it that way, I couldn't ask for anything more. I miss them, I miss them all a whole lot. And as happy as I was, some piece of me was so sad that we are all onto a new stage now, but I know when we go home, so easily, it will all fall right back into place. I cant wait, I really cant wait.

Two weeks, two weeks til I'm home. I love this place, its everything I ever wanted. I have amazing friends, amazing experiences day after day but its a transition, like any other and going home is that much sweeter because of it. Everyday for the last two months I have been learning, taking it all in, bombarded with non stop information, formally or informally delivered about the new world that I call home when Im away for the weekend. It's so fun, so exciting, but equally exhausting. The emotional idea of "home" in my current world is so much stronger then the physical "home", here is home for today, leadville is home forever, someday home will be where my husband is and so on, but the feeling of home, while it may expand it will always be the same.

The feeling of being in the presence of people who know exactly who are, they know exactly where you come from, exactly the life you dream of, and that you know the same. Home is the feeling of not having to teach anybody about yourself, put off a certain image, or learn anything about anyone else. Don't get me wrong we will have experiences to share, but we will be us, just like we always have been and ultimately always will be. Home is being completely comfortable and my heart being completely content, the cozy feeling that takes over your entire body when everything feels just right, even if it's really a mass of confusion and hardship. Home is my best friends voices, their laughs, their hugs and body heat in a setting where personal space is non existent because we are all one, and we share our space just like we share our worlds. My heart soars thinking of this home, and I can just barely imagine how amazing it is to be in this home, the one that will always be consistent, no matter where I lay my head at night, where my toothbrush is or where underwear drawer is. This home is the home that has made me who I am, the one that shaped my world, its in Leadville and its in Summit, sometimes in Boulder and Fort Collins and Glenwood and Tacoma, Washington, this home is all over the world, but the feeling is always the same. And I cant wait to feel it again and love it and grasp it, to bring back to this new world with me, to continue to spread while i teach and learn :)

RYLA is amazing

I just read Mei's blog, Mei was the head counselor my year of RYLA and is absolutely amazing and inspiring, like no one else I've ever known. Her words are beautiful, her photos are beautiful and her thoughts are so inspiring. She's been through so much and sees the world from a view that is so incredible. She is a serious role model, her adventures, the love she has for the people in her life, the way she goes about every day, its fantastic.

RYLA is amazing, seriously the best people come from that place. Day after day I am reminded how lucky I am that RYLA has become such a big part of my world and that I continuously get to be influenced by RYLA people and share life with them, its fantastic. One of my campers said "We really need to get together and I also think we should have a whole camp reunion" I almost cried, its so amazing that she realizes the power of 180 kids, and how good it feels to be together and wants us all together again, I wish I could give that to her. I wish we could have RYLA school forever and for always, someday maybe, I mean its not out of reach at all with these people around. And this years counselor family is so much in itself, it blows me away, it really is the most fantastic thing ever.

Thats all, I just love RYLA a lot :)

Oh and I'm going to spend the weekend with my brother and spend sometime outside, I'm missing the open space. I'm excited, I really really love him being this close. And I'll be home in 2 weeks, that is the best feeling in the world :)

home with my steezy

Stella and I are sitting in the room, doing homework, more likely browsing facebook and listening to Norah Jones, we just had a little bit of a cleaning spree. We try to stay clean but it's a small space, and we have a third roomie and every so often it hits one of us, so we both go into cleaning mood. I love the feeling of just being in here with her, the Norah Jones reminds me of mom, our room is ours, nobody elses and when one of us is down, the other notices. We don't spend every minute together but we have a connection like sisters. It'll be weird to go home and not wake up to her and of course Keely. It's funny how this place becomes a home, and you kinda don't notice, it just happens. But this tiny space, our mixed cultures, sometimes obvious other times not are just how I like it. We have asian ramen noodles and pad thai in our fridge, we also have honey nut cheerios and wheat thins, none of it is hers or mine, we just share. It'd be weird to come to college and not have a roomate, not have someone else's life to navigate. She teaches me about her world, fashion, the asian culture, all sorts of things, just her thoughts, no matter where they come from, and I teach her about mine, mostly just through living it, seeing each other's worlds. And our life, more and more every day, becomes a little more one.

Scotty is gone at basic, and skype keeps messing with my head saying he is online. He has become such a shoulder for me, picking me up whenever I'm down, its weird having him gone. I can't even imagine what he is thinking, what he's doing, it's crazy. This is the journey he's been waiting for. I cant wait to hear, Sunday's he can write letters, and read mine, so the weeks with roll by with Sunday's connecting them. With Scotty, and Elyse and Liv and Zachy and everyone else who isn't here, the moon always comforts me, something about how its there and we all see it, we all look at it with similar thoughts, its beauty, its awe, its wonder, I like that, we are all on the same planet and experiencing something similar even though we are so far apart.

Speaking of...Zachy and Ese are coming to see me for my birthday. I invited them not expecting it to work out, then Ese called to say she was coming and I couldn't stop screaming. It's weird not having them know my world, my room, my friends, the things I see every day and I can't wait to show them my world. Not to mention I get to spend my birthday weekend with them, I'm so dang excited I can't wait.

I wish Liv could come too, I think about her so often, we spent so much of our time together, more time with her then probably anyone else in the last 5 years. Our minds just match up, and it's weird not having her to share my thoughts with me, thats why we talk all the time, so we can share our thoughts and worlds and laughs. I cant wait to be home with her, and everyone else. It's gonna be fantastic...17 days!

So...I've been doing a lot of thinking about this major choosing thing. I'm not sure why, actually I am, because I'm leaning towards Sociology and English, and I see how it could be useful all over the place, especially Sociology. I think it's so interesting. And I love english I always have, that would let me teach, and give me a better basis to get into grad school or even law school, really whatever comes my way. I think teaching abroad or in teach for america could be great, and teaching really anywhere could probably be really enjoyable, we'll see what happens, but I've been leaning towards Soc and English for a while now, and like it more and more everyday. Hopefully next years classes can just intensify that feeling. I'm not sure if I should take psych again just to see how it fits, maybe not yet, there are so many other interesting classes, who knows. Picking classes is hard cause there are so many choices, I'll figure it out though.

I hung out with Jes today, and I'm gonna go up there this weekend. I'm really in love with this life. Things have turned out so well. And I have a problem of thinking, I think a lot about the timing of life, and how some things didnt work with timing, but thats life. And I tell myself and other people everyday, somehow its all gonna fall into place, sometimes its just a matter of being patient, or more so of focusing on today, not then or whats coming, its all gonna work out. And its pretty damn good now, so if theres more good to come I'm in luck :)

midterms, stress, ahhh peace

Its been a stressful week. Midterms, three, flat bike tires, missed busses, mom having surgery, grandma not doing well, some of those days that just seem like one thing after another, and because your stressed and tired and emotional it just seems that much worse. I had the biggest break down I've had since I've been here, then I swam and released it all and man did it feel good. Emotions need to happen, unfortunately sometimes they seem to happen in a big hard one time thing, but sometimes its better. I called Jes crying and he goes you've been so happy, I forgot about the other side. Despite wanting to punch him its true, I've been holding on soooo tight to all the good things that the hard parts of this transition just stayed away, but they still happened, and all hit when the tire popped on my way to tutoring kiddos. Funny how that happens, funny how life all works out. The midterms I studied for like crazy and stressed myself out about, they went fine, probably because I stressed myself out and studied hard, but its so nice walking away being like, ya I think I did ok, I think I was prepared. And now that the week is over, having no stress and a weekend of fun waiting for me, wow it feels good.

On another note, I got an email from one of my campers today and talked to a few of them throughout the week. Just when I was unmotivated and ready to curl up in a ball it seemed someone, the campers, Scotty, Britt, Ese, Liv, whoever, was there to pick me up. I love that. I guess I don't really know what I'm writing about, I'm just happy, happy for life. This morning for religion I went to part of this conference on contemplative religions and the one I saw was about Jewish prayer, and no matter what you believe in or where you come from the ideas were so good. Life is a gift and every morning when we wake up we should realize how lucky we are. Granted, life is also a rollercoaster and there are days when it just seems easier to hide under a blanket and wait for a day that seems a little less of a big scary challenge. But today, I just feel lucky for life. Lucky to be the person I am and stress out so that I do better on my finals, lucky to have the AMAZING people in my world, to call Scotty and just feel like the world is mine to conquer, like with people behind me I can get anywhere I want, to get emails from 8th graders who are still figuring out life telling me their worries, their joys and sharing their world with me, lucky to have best friends who make the world so great, lucky that its Friday and this weekend is time to relax and enjoy life.

Mom had ankle surgery yesterday, and I didnt realize how good it would feel to hear her voice after, hear her feeling good, feeling like finally she could escape some of the things that have been bogging her down. When I talked to her before surgery I was so scared for her, I teared up knowing I wasn't there, knowing how huge this was and that if it worked out really it would change her life, and if it didn't it could be really scary. We are professionals on knee surgery, we go in everytime knowing it will be fixed, me more afriad of the needles then of the doctors cutting up my leg and replacing my ligaments, but we haven't been down the ankle road yet. The physical pain she has been experiencing has totally affected so many pieces of her world, and this surgery is what she has been banking on, its done, now it can only get better, and that makes my heart so happy.

I had an advising appointment yesterday to figure out my life, ha just kidding, that doesnt happen that easily, really to figure out next quarter. Im just excited, I like my classes, I cant choose classes next quarter cause they are all so interesting, I love that, I love that my classes make me think. I know I love people, and even more kids. Sociology and english is a perfect teaching degree, I dunno if I wanna teach, I didn't really think I did, but the one thing in life that makes me light up like none other is kids, their smiles, their awesome view on life, its so fantastic, so somehow thats gotta be in my life. Hmm.

I'm going home in like 21 days, and I'm so so excited. When you go away home becomes so much more fantastic and I cant wait to be with the people I love, but I will miss it here. It's gonna be weird, packing to go home. I mean that will ALWAYS be home, no matter where I go, but today, and this year this right here is home. My bed in the sunshine, Keely and Stella and everyone else, this is where I am now. Its weird how you go into this having no idea and before you know it it becomes your life. The pictures, its all home. But also, forever and for always...mom and Ese and Zachy and Chels and Dave and Will and Liv and the snow will be home. I love that, I love that that will never change, no matter how much the rest of life changes. I have so much more to talk about but Im gonna be late to class :) So to be continued