it feels like laughter and love

Merry Christmas. Happy December 26th.  My heart and soul are full and happy. I'm sleeping on the couch next to the fireplace and the lit Christmas tree and it feels just right.

Coming home is a little bit of a process for me.  A stark contrast from what has become home and sometimes a bit of a slow transition. But then I get in the swing of things. Friends start coming home.  Life and festivities and fitting things in come back full swing and Christmas puts the icing on the cake.

Christmas Eve festivities with part of my Leadville crew. Good food and laughter and catching up. Jokes and an understanding that we will forever have.
Then a late night drive down to family, jamming to NSync and Aaron Neville Christmas. Singing, remembering Christmas eves dancing with my brother in the living room and taking a moment to soak it all up.
Then comes family Christmas. Loud, crazy, semi dysfunctional, hilarious, and overflowing with copious amounts of love and understanding and thankfulness. Good food and good company, late nights, early morning and all the quirks that nobody else can quite understand. And... it feels wonderful. It feels like home.

There are times in your life where "family" and "home" get a little bit confusing. And your heart aches to understand where they fit and fights about what they are and what they arent. When you wonder what your supposed to want and need and what you should be doing or wanting to do on your own.  You try to figure out how much concern is the right amount and you go through phases of knowing inside and out and sometimes feeling lost from the people who have been through the most with you. Then on days like Christmas you forget and remember all at the same time cause it just is. Family and love and home. It feels like laughter and inside jokes, story telling, cheers, food passing and a wholleee lot of lovin. So... during those moments I try to soak it all up, so that I can feel it and love it and get it even when it doesnt quite fit.

Merry Christmas all, I hope yours felt right and like home. I hope there was love and some dysfunction and lots of laughter. And I hope all feels right in the world to you, even if just for a moment...xoxox

home...

Oh home... that word just sounds so weird lately, and more and more so as the time goes by.  Ive been home for over a week now. Its been good. Its been hard.  I've laughed and cried and skiied and played and picked RYLA JC's and watched my sweet Kamryn Rae dance. I've had spurts of seeing friends and I've spent a fair amount of time with myself. I've read an entire book. Been to Boulder, Conifer and Fort Collins... and for some reason, Im just here.

Home is never as simple as it should be. Sometimes it hurts hard.  It makes for tired, red eyes and a reminder of the misunderstandings I faced all those years.  But... in its own way also reminds me all that I have made out of it.  Of all the memories. All the amazing people. All the ups and downs and ins and outs. And for some reason... it puts me into a little bit of a just go with the flow and be mode. Maybe cause thats what living at home and being in school pre college means. Going with the flow, getting by just how you are supposed to and in some weird way doing what you are told you should do. 

Then you go to college. And you make your own rules. Your own moods.  Your own opinions and choices. You make your own life.  You start to care about things you didn't before, you find ways to make yourself go, you pick your friends and have conversations that are so meaningful and you start to learn whats really important, what really matters.  And maybe thats why when I come home... I just sorta feel like I sit back and take it all in. Hayley said tonight "I'm not really carpe dieming anything right now"... I should be, and maybe now that people are coming home and things might pick up I will more, or maybe I will see the people and enjoy my time and love these mountains, but Ill do it feeling like I didnt go away and things havent changed and Carpe Diem isnt part of my everyday life.

I love pieces of here I really do. I love the mountains out my window. And the time to relax. And the forever lasting love.  The best friends. Family. Sweet Kamryn Rae.  The driving and craziness.  My bed.  Provin Grounds. I love it...but there are also parts of it that dont fit in just how I'd like them to, so when I come, I have learned to enjoy the good parts and try with all my might to let the rest go.  But, for the sake of how much there is to love here Im gonna try to take it all in, to enjoy it, to love it, to get out of it all that I can. Cause it will be over soon. And Ill be happy to be back.

But... forever I will miss it. And I will watch how things change and even with the overflowing of joy and excitement in my heart there will still be that ping of learning to let go and learning how to mesh it. Cause change... its the craziest thing. And to quote another of Hayley and I's genius epiphany's "this life thing is the craziest thing I have ever experienced"

Here's to a break full of love and joy and carpe diem. To letting myself find my way back into home the first week and spending the next enjoying all there is to love.  Happy Holidays! XOXO

places of love, acceptance and joy

HELLO! Happy December 7th! Happy I GO HOME IN TWO DAYS! Happy 1 MORE FINAL! Woot woot. I am in GREAT spirits today. For so many reasons. I am SO excited to come home to that little land of wonderful that I am so lucky to call home. To my big huge family that has taken care of me for the last 19 years. To snow. To relaxing. To RYLA planning. To so many things. Im just excited... you get the just of it.

The last few days I have had a couple of those moments of unutterable fulfillment.. moments where my heart was soaring, and all the world's problems were at peace for that moment.Moments of love, joy and acceptance, the things that we should be living by, that we should be connected by, that we should be soaring all the time because of.

1. Special Olympics Dance on Saturday night. About 50 athletes and their parents came and got their groove on for their Holiday party here at SCU. We SCCAPers hosted them, and danced the night away with them. It was more fun that you could ever imagine having at a dance, and easily the best Saturday night this year. No reserves. No Im cooler than you. No worrying about what other people think. Just fun and joy and some serious dance skills. Dance skills like you have never seen, confidence and excitment and an outpouring of love that is so dang special. Seriously... its amazing

2. Glide service Sunday morning. Glide is the church in Pursuit of Happyness, in the middle of the tenderloin (the roughest part of SF) and THE single most amazing church service I have ever experienced.  It was all about love and joy and acceptance and equality. All the things that every single church should be preaching. Singing, dancing, laughing and loving life... with people who live lives most of us could never imagine.  The reverend didn't just read from the bible, he read from the Torah and a couple other texts. We said amen, shalom, namaste, rock on. We threw our hands in the air. We started out the service hugging everyone around us. And I teared up about seven million times at the amount of joy and love, in a place where people have so little they love and enjoy so much. The world should take a lesson from these people. Again.. seriously mind blowing.

3. My run this morning. My ipod stopped working so I ran in silence. Its sunnier out than its been for a while. And I ran to a nature place.  I am not sure what it is, some sort of religious area.. with a church like building surrounded by nature. Peace, quiet, growth, organic landscape and a whole lot of beauty. I walked through in silence, taking it all in. Nature is an amazing thing. Where trees curl around each other and grass grows every which way. A place where you stop looking at the flaws because it is just real and organic and it feels SO dang good. I miss that. And I am so very excited to get back to it in a couple days.

Dear universe, you are a freakin rock star. Thanks for this out of this world life.
Remind me to tell you about my paper on immigration...interesting stuff.
Happy day, hope you are smiling and loving and living right.
xoxoxox

living, peace and the big picture

Its crazy how life flies by.
Its crazy how you go through the motions and suddenly its the end of the week. The month or the quarter.
Time is one of those things that I just cannot and will not ever be able to grasp. And one of the reasons I try really hard to love every moment, cause when I don't, before I know it, those moments are gone.

Im laying in bed with Christmas lights lighting up my room and Christmas music playing. Happy as can be to be in on a Friday night. To have plans to watch a Christmas movie with friends. To have a weekend of studying and paper writing but also lots of good things ahead of me. 

I have found myself over and over again this quarter getting a little caught up in the mundane.  Some might call it the sophomore slump. Others an attitude problem. Or maybe just part of life. 
Its funny how you figure yourself out some days, and other days you just cant understand why you feel one way and not another.  Lots of times I think I know myself pretty well, what makes me go, what I need to do to feel motivated and excited and like life is wonderful. But sometimes I just hit a wall and have to search a little deeper to pull myself out of it.

But the best thing about it.. is once I do pull myself out of that silly slump I feel like life is just THAT MUCH BETTER!

Im going home on Thursday. And its one of those things that just slaps me in the face and shows me how much things change.  Im excited, I am ... for so many things. But also, some part of me feels like this is home. And this is MY life... and that is some other girls life. Some other girl who I dont know very well these days. And who everytime I go home I reunite with, but something about it is just still a little different. And more and more each time. 

Its a funny thing. Change. Time. Growing up. Wonderful and scary and so many things all at the same time. And so much of the time it just goes, and you forget to stop and appreciate. But then there are times like right now. Sitting alone with Christmas lights around me and feeling completely at peace with myself and my life, even if there is all sorts of chaos and stress and excitement and so many things going around in my head.. stopping and just being with me reminds me that the change and time and growing up, deep down its still me.
The me that loves my family and best friends with every piece of my heart. That is excited about every day of life at Santa Clara but also has SUCH a huge place in my heart for home, winter, fireplaces and that small town. For all the people there and the memories and the familiar.  The me that wants to do so much, but likes to just be sometimes.  The me that doesn't need to be here or there to be happy, that can love pieces of each, that can find the good in so many things, that loves all the pieces of my life that have gotten me where I am and that can get in touch with all sides of me to keep the me who is really me here and alive and excited and LIVING not just existing. The me that doesn't need to get caught up in all the little things that are all too easy to let get to me, but instead can see the big picture and love it for what it is.
So... through the paper writing and final studying. Through the going home and dealing with how the change, and sometimes lack of change fits into my heart and my place in this world, I will remind myself of how good this life is as a whole and how dang unimportant the little things are. And of all the ways I can pull myself out of that funk.

Happy December world. Happy Christmas lights and music and cheer and joy and family and giving season.  Feel it, take it all in.  And find some time for peace and quiet. To spend with you, and get back in touch with the inner peace, that makes the outter chaos a little easier to navigate.
See you soon Colorado family <3

thankful, thoughtful and wanting to give

Some of my favorite things as of late are...
hot tea, good healthy food, family- especially my mama, traveling, adventures, holidays, best friends, learning, dreaming, cozy days, snow, quality conversations, and so much more.

And today.. I am thankful for all those things, and that the last week has been filled to the brim with all of those things. It has been a wonderful break and I have so much to be thankful for.
Sitting here in this warm cozy house, with my tummy full as can be, watching a Christmas movie, I think of all the people who are spending their days so differently than I am. I think of all the things that are important to me, and just wish that I could give some of it to people who cant even think beyond a pair of socks, a warm coat or enough food to get by for the day. I hope someday I can give some of what I am so fortunate to have to somebody who's life has taken them in a different direction. And I hope I never ever forget to be grateful for all the wonderfulness that is this life.

This quote came in my email a couple days ago, and I think it is perfect for today, and everyday, and I think it is important that we remember everyday how much we have, and how much we have to give. I hope we can all see the beauty in life, the need, and the outpouring of love that we have seen in our lives and that so many people deserve.  Lets think of all we have, but lets also think of all we can do, cause that understanding, that love, that willingness, can change someones life.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow"

I am so thankful today and everyday, for all of you, for this life I am so lucky to have. And I hope you too, have so much to be grateful for. Lets turn that gratefulness into giving and loving and helping someone else to be grateful... it's easy and can start with something as simple as a smile.

Happy Thanksgiving! xoxoxox

Off to the NorthWest in t-minus 4 hours

Good morning world. I am off to the NorthWest in t-minus 4 hours. WOW! Um, Im not quite feeling a hundred percent prepared. But.. Ill get there and I will get to the places and people I cant wait to see and it will be a fantastic week.

I don't know where this week went, or this quarter at that. Time has just been FLYING and it is the craziest concept to me.

SEARCH left me a little contemplative, filled with love, in la la land and compeltely exhausted, and I feel like I kida let my week slip past me.
Sometimes I do that. get caught up in life, or me time, or the idea that I dont have that much to do, and suddenly the week is gone and Im on my way to Oregon today and I'm feeling A LITTLE UNPREPARED... ahhh

It will all work out. But Im stressing a little right now.  We are staying in Eugene tonight with a friend of Margot's and then Im being dropped off in Portland tomorrow to see Mikalia and Kerry and Whitney which is BEYOND fantastic but the logistics are a little challenging.  Ive been trying to figure out how to get back and fourth between Forest Grove and Portland, see the city of Portland, see Lewis and Clark and have some quality time with all of them (all within 2 days) and Im figuring it out but I could use a little more green stuff/a little more time/ a jet to make it all a little more efficent. Thats ok though IT IS GOING TO BE FANTASTIC!

I am so excited for the drive up with Margot
for the hours and hours of conversation that I couldn't think of a better person to have with
for the delerious exhaustion and fits of laughter that are sure to come from 9 hours of drive
for the jammin
for the sites
I am so excited for the time in Portland
to see the city I have heard so much about
to catch up with Kerry and Mikalia and Whitney
to talk about all things life
to explore
to see their worlds
AND I am so very excited to be in Seattle
the city that has so much history and so much life and so much love
that means something so big to my family and that is a place I need to go to understand
for the time with my mama
for the exploring
and the relaxing
to see family and new places and familiar faces.

It is going to be wonderful. And instead of stressing about it I am just going to get there and make it happen and love every minute of it, because it is going to be fantastic and I am SO very excited! :)

Happy Weekend and Thanksgiving Break or almost Thanksgiving Break to some of you. I hope you have exciting things coming and aren't too stressed out and are taking in all the beauty that is life <3
Be back soon with updates of this wonderful trip!
XOXO

moments of unutterable fulfillment

It was one of those weekends. One of those experiences... that I have no words for, except for the words of this quote...

"Occasionally in life there are those moments of unutterable fulfillment which cannot be completely explained by those symbols called words. Their meanings can only be articulated by the inaudible language of the heart" -MLK Jr

One of those weekends where I am left listening to the CD over and over and over and over again, even though it only has 9 songs on it. Where I keep looking through the pictures. Where quiet means  time for me to think it and feel it and love it. When I am so greatful that it happened, but not sure Im quite ready to let go of the moments of being there, when putting it into real life is easier said than done.

I feel lucky to have had numreous experiences of this sort in my lifetime.

This one was special though. They are all in different ways. But this weekend was something I didn't even know I needed but gave me something so huge and so much realization and thought and understanding. This one was solely about me, and it was exactly what I never knew I needed.

In short... I have spent the last year and a half focusing on me. Finding me, understanding me, breathing in the life that I have created for me. And it has been amazing, but as always in this crazy human life there was something missing. And that something I found this weekend, was a relationship with my family that I have let become less and less deep and raw and real.  I have ran from the scary things we experienced together and have asserted myself to think I am strong and independent and can do it on my own. But... they are my family and I need them and I want them in my life more than anything in the world. And I am ready to try harder to heal these relationships that have been weathered by so many ups and downs.

I thought about faith. My faith. Focusing it.  Feeling it. Putting it into life. I thought about my identity. About authenticity.  About love. About so many things. And spent so much time in quiet reflection, something that we all should do more of and forget in the crazy business of life.

I think that love is listening. It is trust, patience and understanding. It is pure.

I think that love is the key to becoming whole.

And I want to forever continue to become more whole. In myself. My relationships, my every day and in my life.

I was more content than I can remember being probably since RYLA and even more relaxed because this time I was being led, not leading.  This time it was about figuring out me.  Sitting under the big open star filled sky on Saturday night. Around a bonfire surrounded by all these people, many who I had met less than 48 hours before and feeling this out pouring of love.  Singing songs, contemplating life, understanding and being grateful for all that is good and amazing. It was... indescribable, something that only the language of my heart can understand, and will never be able to explain.

I am so thankful for my curiosity and need to push my limits and for this place that offers so many great ways to explore yourself and the world and this life. I am thankful that after being so scared of this retreat last year I was ready to go on it last year. And I am thankful that I spent the weekend thinking of my family. Of love. Of things that I had let myself believe are not that important. And I am beyond thankful for the people that helped me figure it out. For the conversations, the hugs, the affirmations of love, the understanding and empathy, the openness and the trust.

And now I will continue to SEARCH and try to put it all into life. I will remember the moments of pure contentment, the realizations, the support, every piece of it that I can bring back to reality. Thank you SEARCHERS, leaders, and universe for letting me be where I need to be right when I needed it. XOXOXO

giggles and awesome outlooks on life

good morning world. im feeling motivated and excited and inspired. all because of a 3rd grade boy who needs a little help with his reading. Every Wednesday I go to LUCHA (the elementary school I am in charge of coordinating volunteers for) and work with Sergio.  He is a fantastic kiddo who is sweet as can be and forever makes me laugh. Today he was rockin his reading, laughing at the goofy movies givin me a little sass, and giggling like usual.  He starts out my day on such a perfect note. He works hard and has fun and totally loves the one on one time.

He reminds me of Young RYLA, of giving awesome kids what they deserve, and being a little bit extra when life is just a pain in the rear sometimes. 

If there is anything in life I know, I know that I love working with kids, and somehow that will fit into my life. 

I talked to the Urban Education director yesterday and am excited for a minor that gives me more than just a desire to work with kids, but something actually concrete.  Cause I love it. I love the fresh outlook and the giggles and the "are we done yet" and the sass. I love when they get to know me and feel comfortable enough to give me a hard time and to joke with me but also understand that Im there to help them. And I love that I get to do this once a week and that I'll be at Young RYLA again watching the magic happen.

And I love the way they make me want to do more and be better and inspire me and remind me how wonderful life is.

Im feeling super into LUCHA and wanting to do more, and overflowing with ideas of what we can do. And thats just how I like it :)

Happy hump day! Go find some kiddos to hang out with or go watch this video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk  it will make your day :)
XOXOXO

focusing my energy on peach tea, a weekend with zachy, and all that is good in the world

Im sitting at my desk, drinking peach tea and eating a trader joe's salad.  Buying a plane ticket. Reading great blogs. And watched an inspiring story. My Zachy was here all weekend.  SEARCH in 4 days, Thanksgiving break in 11 and home in a month. Life is good.

I have been in a funk. I funked all last week cause of boredom with school. Frusteration with silly little life things. Then even in the midst of Zachy being here this weekend I funked about my family. About some love and understanding he brought with him that allowed me to bring somethings that I put aside to the forefront of my brain for a bit and had me a little bit teary eyed here and there.

We had the best weekend.  Playing, adventuring, wrestling, talking about all the things we talk about, and dreaming up life.  I am so glad he came, to un funk me and to let me feel. To let me be a little upset about a couple things in my life that despite trying to forget, still are a little off, and are a little be worth being upset about.  He heard me out and got it, like nobody does.  He cuddled with me like only a best friend can and fit right into this here life.  It was fantastic.

I called my mama today exhausted, sad that he had left. And frusterated with people in my life who aren't always what I want them to be. And she listened to me and helped me and told me it'd all be ok. I love that about mama's. And i love that even when you try to be strong and do it alone in the end you end up calling the mama and letting go, having red eyes and being told it'd be ok. And hearing "we can count down the days now" (til we see each other) really made my heart feel a whole lot better.

I reminded myself today and Zachy reminded me this weekend that I need to focus my energy on doing well in school so Im not frusterated, on going for runs so I feel better, on friendships that make me feel good, on all the things that are good in my life... NOT on the frusterations and exhuastions and miss understanding. Cause really, its just a waste of energy.

Im ready for a break... but I gotta get there first. Im excited to be home at Christmas but Im also excited for the next 4 weeks before that. Life is good. And frustrations and exhaustion and misunderstandings and WHY ME's... those happen.  But if they bog you down, thats when your in trouble. So... even if Im funking... Im gonna focus my energy somewhere else. <3

best friend- so good for the soul

this weekend is perfect. and zachy has cured all the lack of inspiration that I've had and distracted me from all the frustration of school and has reminded me of all the wonderful things in this life.

Just a few of the things that have come out of our conversations

" we should add this to the breaking bread book, standing on the beach watching the waves with your best friend, so good for the soul" ~ a few years ago we started coming up with ideas for a book about all things good for the soul;)

"I love that place so much" "Me too, its so great" "We are so lucky to have grown up there" talking about that sweet place we call home

"You can borrow my family" "Thats the best thing about it all, I have so many families I can borrow, thats why Im alive"

So much more. So much love and understanding and life lived together. We talked about the difference in the cultures between here and home, about the amazing people that I have come to know, about the future and living together this summer.  About school and family and love and all things life.

We have stayed up late and stayed in bed lounging around. Played frisbee and wrestled on the beach. Went for a late night bike ride and explored the cute surrounding neighborhoods.  Did a P90X workout. Sat and talked and joked with friends for hours. Stopped at a fruit stand and got the best fruit we've ever had. And jammed to songs of our souls.. songs of home and childhood and so much on the drive home.

And we still have a day and a half together.

Thank you for sending me Zachy :) Thank you universe for letting me have the best family in the world... who isn't even blood related.

pity party

So... my Zachy will be here in a few hours, thank god. He will save me from the pity party that has been my week.

I am feeling a little frusterated, exhausted, bored, uninspired. And those are feelings that I do not like.

School is forever tons of work, and I am not in love with any of my classes. And... Spanish and I are in a forever fight. Which is frustrating because I don't wanna fight with Spanish, I wanna be good friends and feel like I can actually use it for all that is useful for. GAHHH!

I know that there is always so much to look forward to, ALWAYS and I know that I am a pitiful whining joke, but... thats just the way it is every once and a while. And right now the best thing in the world sounds like picking up and going to travel the world... all problems solved- no more boredom, no more inspiration drought, and no more fighting with school. I wanna be in a spanish speaking country where I learn by speaking, and by messing up but don't get graded on it. And where people tell me cool stories and teach me about their way of life.  I think thats the best kind of school.

I have 2 weeks til Thanksgiving Break and I will make it, and I will work on lowering the level of sass. And this weekend will be so fantastic. But boy am I excited for a week of being lazy, and doing things on my time, and seeing friends and new places and feeling excited not bored. Because being bored is not my style!

Sorry to whine and complain and be no fun to read... Ill get better. I will be refreshed after this weekend and have loads of good things to say about my time with the most wonderful best friend in the world :) Hope your feeling more inspired than I am, do something extra cool for me :)

the string

Happy Halloween world!! Im not always super sure of the words I want to come out on this here blog... but the thoughts in my head always seem big and important and sometimes they seem really monumental. And sometimes they just are the string that holds life together. But that string is important, and I like it more and more everyday. As I learn more about me, and as Margot would say become "homies with the universe" and all that jazz.

So the thoughts in my head.

Friendships, people, support.. the good, the frusterating, the love of those who show me what amazing friendships are, the new, the old, and the ones I learn from, even if it hurts my head a little.

Nostalgia- halloween, fall, dinner with last years crew, pictures. The feeling of being so lucky for then and now, and wondering what happens in between

Change- that every once and a while starts dancing and says HEY look at all that's happened, and most times you don't even notice it happening

Love- of life and family and friends

Future- all that is has to offer me, how its coming together, how I am so excited, and just scared enough that I'll stay on my toes :)

Urban Education- minor, fits, concrete, actually what I want from my life

Zachy- here next week to fill my heart full of all the best friend loads of love that seep out of him all the time

Motivation- that I find within and from all that surrounds me, to do better, to work hard, to be more, to learn and grow and squeeze the last drops of juice out of this life

School- which means learning and late nights and hard work and excitement and so much that I am so lucky to have unlike so many people... but sometimes makes me feel a tad bit overwhelmed ;)

I could go on forever... but those are where my head is right now. A little sleepy, a little frustrated with group projects, a lot thoughtful and a lot thankful and a lot blown away at all that is life... and wonderful :)

Hope your weekend was full of make believe and giggles and remembering childhood memories. And that you have thoughts in your head that feel like they are leading your life where it is supposed to go, and people to support you the whole way!

XOXOX

celebrations and frustrations

Last night during a sleepy, thoughtful, dreamer explosion of words that only best friends can keep up with Hayley and I came to the conclusion of a celebrations and frustrations book.  I believe in feeling emotions. In not denying yourself the raw moments of pure happiness and all the same the moments of pure sadness.  Allowing yourself to feel teaches you about you, helps you understand whats good and whats not so good for that heart that you spend so much of your life trying to find the key to. Cause your own heart and soul and thoughts and dreams and frusterations and misunderstandings, those are the most important. Cause how can you tackle those of the world when you aren't in touch with your own. Life is so good, but Im not gonna lie and say that every minute I love everything or that I dont have moments where I wouldn't mind staying in bed, or when I call my mom three times in a row just to whine, to someone that I know will tell me its all gonna be ok. Cause without those moments, the moments where everything feels right and you are inspired and ready to take on everyday with the biggest smile you can muster just aren't as good. So...

celebrations, likes, loves, inspirations, all things that make my heart flutter and soar

- the cozy cool feel of fall, that calls for scarves and mocassins, sweaters and apple cider

- the taking care of myself that I did this week, sleeping extra, taking a day off cause my body said so

- spending the evening in santa cruz with two of my favorite ladies chatting about all things life, window shopping and real shopping and eating dang good food

- brainstorming with Jess and getting this process of planning RYLA underway

- the absolutely amazing out of this world kiddos that are gonna take Interact to the next level

-my mama, and how much ive been missing her lately. how much i love every piece of her cause she is just that, my mama. and she'll forever be one of the coolest people I know

-the hope in my heart that the El Salvador study abroad program is sneaking its way into, the listening I've done to find it in that place, and the growing excitement and feeling of "yep this ones the right one"

- Halloween costumes I decided on tonight

-the quirky little life Mandy and I have created in this room... and having it to myself sometimes

- organizing, redecorating, perfecting of my room.. and my life at that

- the reminder that life IS inspiring... all over the place, you just gotta open your eyes

-my Zachy coming IN TWO WEEKS!

drum roll please

- SEATTLE.. ROAD TRIP... WITH MARGOT for Thanksgiving.. the pieces came together, you North Westerners, get ready!

and cause Im human and raw and cause I think its allowed

a few frusterations, rough patches or things that just dont quite agree with my soul as of late

-feeling uninspired and a little like a robot going through the motions of class, homework.. repeat

- being too busy for the things that i really want to do

- getting the flu and being so tired trying to kick it 

- the male population

- green stuff we call money

-relationships i may never understand and finding a way to come to peace with the misunderstandings

its like swept away... of course the celebrations are so much more.  but thats why its ok to feel the other stuff, cause once you get it out, you realize its never as bad as it is if you let it all build up. im going to bed early once last night to kick this flu thing out the door. im doing what i can to remind myself of the inspiration that is life, but giving myself some space to be human and feel frustrated here and there.

its all about balance. and good people. and inspiration

<3

dancing heart

happy sunday almost monday night.

this snarky little one who sometimes whines about sundays, and boring classes and too much homework and being sleepy...

is avoiding all signs of snarkiness tonight. hey world.. guess what. Im ready for Monday :)

I had such a wonderful weekend.  SCCAPiness to the max on Friday night and a sleepover in Hayley and Laurens room just cause I can. And then a weekend filled to the brim with RYLA and Interact and Rotary love and ideas and inspiration and amazingness.  And I came home and got into warm cozies and hunkered down in the library for a little bit of frusteration and then a nice feeling of accomplishment when I figured out something not quite in my realm of understanding cause of some serious perserverance, and to top it off tea with my bestie :)

I think all things Rotary are the most amazing thing that ever happened to my life. For reasons that I cannot even begin to put into words.  Rolo, Heather, Natalie and the interactors came this weekend to get ideas to build what we have started into something bigger and better that changes more people's lives and forever grows to empower more kids.  We played yesterday in Santa Cruz and had a total blast laughing and exploring and talking about anything and everything when RYLA blooded people come together and immediately bond. 

It was a blast. And inspiring. In ways that inspiring hasn't quite been defined in my head before.  Watching them want to make this grow, watching them excited and empowered and ready to take this so far was amazing.  Something that started with this crazy adventure I have been so lucky to go on being passed down to other people in my shoes who want to do something big, who are passionate and excited and out of this world. Its amazing and exciting and I feel so lucky to be a part of it, to hear ideas, to give thoughts, to watch it grow and to be even a little bit of help to them. They're going places, and Im lucky to be on the sidelines :)

And to spend the weekend with Rolo and Heather.  Those two are honestly the reason I am where I am today in the RYLA world and in so much bigger aspects of my life. RYLA has become my life, it has changed me and shaped me and lead me to where I am. And the reason I have been able to continue my involvement is because of them. And my heart was some word that I cant even come up with... full and light and dancing... my heart was dancing to spend the weekend with the two of them together, to think of how lucky I am that I have crossed paths with them and created relationships that will last forever and that will lead me to amazing things and that have completely and utterly changed my life. Thank you guys, you truly are absolutely amazing and inspiring people who I am so lucky to call family.

And.. it became real. I got the position as head J.C. next year. And Im ready to shout it to the world. Im ready to make the phone calls saying thanks, and Im so excited to work with you again. Im ready to come out of my shell and feel it with all the people who have helped me get here. I could not be more excited and I am so fortunate to be working with Jess. And more than anything else, I am absolutely blown away that I have been given this perfect opportunity to give back, to work my butt off so more kids, more counselors, more people on the side lines can feel what I feel and experience it and live it and love it and turn it into their life.

It makes me tear up when I think of how this whole journey started and has progressed. Its a mix of timing and luck and universe aligning that has allowed me to go through all these steps and now gets to take it one step further. To work with Jess to make it ours and to build it and to watch it continue to rock people's world but to change and grow little by little at the same time.  To empower people. To be empowered and to continue the forever journey and life filled with the RYLA magic. Thank you universe, you have done me far better than I could have ever asked.

Needless to say all that love and emotion and dancing heart and reminder of how good the Universe is to me sent me a little note saying "hey brat, stop with the "bored" and get in the game!"

Im ready to focus and be motivated and get out of these classes all there is to get out of them. I just needed a little break, and maybe a slight slap in the face :) 

Hmm. so content. Goodnight! happy monday :)

happy weekend!

HELLLOOOO FRIDAY!
hello I got 2 hours of sleep last night and am strategizing about how Im going to make it TO tonight ;)..  not to mention through the night.


we played and adventured last night instead of sleeping which I was really needing because I was feeling a little BORED with this school thing. And bored... thats a bad word that I dont want in my vocabulary. Just needed a little change in the routine. So.. I decided to make myself really tired today. Totally worth it though.


It is October 15th, the end of week 4. Where is my life running away to and how do I catch up with it?
Just kidding, Im running right there with it, but man it flies!


This weekend is going to be full of wonderfulness. SCCAP fun tonight and Rolo, Natalie, Heather and some Interactors in town tomorrow and Sunday. SO EXCITING!


I hope I dont sleep through the fun tonight. Or fall asleep while Im walking between now and then ;)


HAPPY WEEKEND!


P.S- My mama and I have been talking about traveling. Seattle for Thanksgiving break, and a possible awesome trip before I go abroad :)! AND she made zuchinni bread and is mailing it to me. Man... good life :)

hermiting... peace, quiet and listening to me

I grew up as the kid who would cry when I had two friends houses to go to and couldn't decide which one. I would cry if I was missing out on being with anybody. I had to be around people 24/7. I was the social butterfly who after every parent teacher conference had to be told again and again to stop talking in class. I was the kid who wanted to be everywhere and always wanted friends over and would fight til I could find someone to hang out with and was always always always talking on the phone.

Sometimes.. my friends call my Grandma.

Dont get me wrong, I still LOVE being around people. I love socializing. I love going out. I love every second I get with my friends.

But.. I also LOVE me time. I love being productive, doing errands, getting homework done, organizing my room, swimming/running by myself and gathering my thoughts in the process.

I even like being a hermit crab sometimes. Like tonight... I took a shower and got in my pajamas at 8:00, fully planning to spend the night in my room.. being a hermit. Or like this last week when I got the best news I could ask for and I ignored phone calls and didn't call back fast enough. I needed to process. I needed some me time. I needed peace and quiet.

I have learned to LOVE peace and quiet. I love staying in some nights when everybody else goes out. And I love that this weekend was a perfect mix of friends and fun and quiet and me time.  Of errands and hanging out, of organizing, doing homework, swimming. Of star gazing quietly, of doing things on my time.

So... if your one of the people that I sometimes forget to call back. Know that it is nothing personal.. its just me being a hermit for a while. Processing, basking in the amazingness that is life, and preparing for the next big social endeavor.  Cause the balance of the two= PERFECT.

Life is so precious. And sometimes it turns into a rat race of running from one thing to another, of giving so much, of running your battery low... so much so that you don't enjoy it as much, or you at least forget to enjoy it for a while. I think its important to process. To listen to your thoughts and your heart. To listen to the world or to nothing. And find peace inside... even in the chaos of life.

Let yourself catch up. With your thoughts or your homework or your reading or your sleep. Remember to take care of you, be a little selfish, be content with you. I have learned the importance of understanding myself, of taking care of myself and it makes life so full and juicy and overwhlemingly suculent. And I know there will be times in my life when other responsibilities will nag at my ability to hermit.. so for now. I will take full advantage of it.

Turn off your phone. Close facebook.  Lock your door or go for a run away from it all. Spend some you time. I dare you

<3 xoxoxo

Ask questions, feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.

i can feel my soul. 

i can feel the universe aligning around me. 

i can feel the doubt of putting it all out there for the world to see.

tonight i got another phone call, another universe kind of phone call. that will in the long run (not that long) be the determinant of some big choices I have been exploring.

I am mixed with all sorts of emotion.... excitement, joy, anxiety and a piece of me that is taking a rain check for some other ideas. a rain check happily taken.

I believe in fate. There was a day in my life that I laid in the grass under the sun and looked ahead and behind and realized I am alive.. I am going places.. and oh have I been places. I realized that life is so dang scary, but somehow it all works out. So... I believe in fate.

I think that the universe allows for a crazy mix of control, and no control at all. And sometimes the lack of control is the scariest thing ever and sometimes it is the most exhilarating thing ever. But I think in the end they balance each other out. Just when you are scared out of your mind cause things are reeling out of your control.. something in your life reminds you to hold on to the choices you can make. And just when the options seem endless and scary and like you could never ever decide, the universe grabs your hand and leads you in the right way.

Call me crazy, but I can feel my soul. And in all brutal honesty, me and my soul, thats what matters for now. 

I am learning a little something about following my heart. From living and learning. But more... From a friend who knows the right questions to ask and sees life from the most wonderfully colored kaleidoscope. 

Im learning the importance of this quote "Learn to follow your heart. Be quiet for a while at first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart"

Its telling me so much now. So much that I know is real and tangible and that just feels right. And that is sometimes scary, or different, or even not exactly as I thought it would happen, but for that reason, is just as dang good. Because the world is saturated with good people and good places. With things to see and learn and do. And because my heart is leading me to which ones work for me now. And with time, during rain and shine, moments of soul feeling and heart break, my heart will eventually find its way.

And for that fate. In nothing more than the universe and my heart. I am so grateful. For the confidence in this life.

And if nothing else, I hope you can find that confidence somewhere, cause oh does it feel good.

thoughts of a dreamer

hello :)

these are the thoughts of a dreamer

of dreams that more often than i can understand come true

when the universe aligns in crazy ways

and the people of my soul support and push a little farther.

dreams that have gotten me where i am today.. because sometimes logic just seems like a waste of time

cause the logistics... those fall into place

the dreams on the other hand... those come from deep inside, from the universe and from this rollercoaster we call life.

dreams of california since I was 8... and what a dream come true.

and now... the dreams just keep going

instead of dreams while I sleep...the dreams keep me awake

thinking of all the possibilities

the places to see and people to meet and things to do

of going to africa, to el salvador, to anywhere that will scoop me up and teach me

of traveling the world and seeing all that is unknown

of driving up the coast, stopping, searching, seeing friends, and places that are new and old all at the same time

dreams of changing the world

of doing what they doubt I can do

dreams of conversations. of hearing and telling stories.

of pushing the limits of life

making forever friendships

adventures

life changing moments

dreams of forever being excited for life

forever having a passion for learning

forever adventuring, loving and giving back.

of being balanced and inspired and passionate

dreams that lead the way i live my life

moment by moment

that remind me that these moments

these are as good as those ahead

and these are how i get there.

dreams that make this life. right now. last year. in three months.

exactly how i've always hoped it would turn out

dream on baby

...the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

xoxo <3

inspiration. balance.

sometimes its easy to get caught up in cumbersome things of life.
but the cool thing... its also easy to snap out of it. and remind myself of how much dang good there is.


I wasn't feeling particularly inspired this weekend. Or passionate. Or.. I dunno anything extra special. And I spend A LOT of time feeling lots of things extra special.. so I felt a little off.  Not that it wasn't a good weekend, it was great. I just needed a little hey, life is SO much more than just life.


I had good conversations this weekend, with great people. Danced and laughed and relaxed. Saw my brother. Went for a run with the leaves falling around me and relished in the idea that its turning into fall right before my eyes and I love the way that it feels. Oh fall, so cozy, so wonderful, so much different than the week long falls of home, but definitely missing out on the aspens. It was all good. And I felt it all, but I guess I took the weekend to kinda go into that I don't really think about things kinda mode.


But that planned Sunday afternoon call.  The nerves and trying to prepare before hand. The reminder of how much I love that part of my life.  The conversation that sparked all the passion and love and gratitude for being a part of it.. it woke me right back up.  It was my interview for Young RYLA head JC. Something that in all honesty has not been at the forefront of my brain the last two weeks while I've been here. I've thought about it but I've also thought about Africa and SCCAP and this life.  And talking to Junior about RYLA and all we could do with it reminded me of how dang cool it is. And as RYLA head JC I will be doing the exact opposite of missing out, and if I don't get it, I will find another way to put it all into life. And Im so at peace with either way that it works out. And hope so much to get it so I could put all my love and time and energy into something that has given me so much, but its also not gonna kill me if I don't get it. And thats exactly where I want to be.


This place is SO good. SO inspirational. So full of extra specialness. And I love when I have moments of oh yeah, I LOVE IT HERE and have not a reason in the world to let my inspiration and motivation and excitement slip. Its just too good.


Tomorrow is Jack Johnson, and then first day of Arrupe, and then LUCHA orientation and department meeting and then the week is over again. Time is such a crazy thing, that can slip away so easily if you don't stop and think sometimes.  And the busy days, the logistics, the stress, the constant running, its easy to get lost in. But then I open my eyes and my heart and my mind and see all the extra there is to get caught up in. And its all about the balance. And that was my problem this weekend I was just a little off balance.


Its about remembering to take care of all parts of you. Of the you things that make you feel good, of the friend things that make you feel good, the homework and work and responsibilities that you signed up for for a reason, and a little bit of down time to keep it all in perspective.  Here we go week three, I'm ready now. Sorry I was a little behind :)


Its about pushing the limits, and stepping out of your comfort zone. And sometimes, staying in it too :)
Good night world. Happy Tuesday
XOXOXO

pushing the limits of life

hello wonderful people of my life :)
it is SO hot and i am SO tired. Its 10:20 and Im pretty much ready for bed... which is not freakishly abnormal in my current amazing living conditions. but oh do i have thoughts. so bear with me if my words dont work as planned.


last night Hayley and I went on one of our late night walk/talk sessions. For venting and dreaming and questioning and being best friends, figuring out life together. everytime they remind me of all the things i live for. the things that she too lives for and reminds me to live for. everytime they help me sort through the funny things in my head that i have just been mulling over, but hayley makes sense of them. everytime they refresh me and make me ready for whatever it is that is ahead. and last night... it was just what our restless, thoughtful, same page minds needed. we talked about mass on sunday, that gave us goose bumps and a faith in something that at other points in our lives scared us away.  we talked about friends and foes and how justice is about love, and understanding differences and learning about each other. and more than anything else... we talked about pushing the limits of life. going farther and deeper. learning and loving more. stepping out of our comfort zones. challenging ourselves and making the best of every single moment.. cause they fly by SO freaking fast. i am so lucky to have Hayley in my life... keeping up with my crazy dreamer, thinker, life loving head. and being there right there with me wanting to explore and learn and grow. someone to forever remind me to push the limits of life.


so i got up this morning and ran.. i ran farther than usually, i ran harder, i got out of bed faster.  i paid attention in class, said thank you more than usual, had my eyes and ears and heart WIDE open to all the things that surround me.  and i felt ready to push the limits of life. I went to Discover... a mini group for conversation/community/thinking about the big things in life, I listened to the program coordinator for my position tutoring adults trying to get citizenship and thought of all the amazing things that could come from it. i pushed the limits.  let myself be so whole and at the same time so open and so in need of more to complete all that i am. and that... pushing the limits of life. that is how i want to live everyday of my life. And when I live like that... pushing the limits of life. It leads to one exhausted brain and one super ready for bed shell :)


I also got the most wonderful email from my Zachy today.  The boy who taught me more about life and boys and friendship and the world than any teacher or boyfriend or genius person ever could.  He wrote just to tell me he loves me, and that he thinks Im amazing and that my blog inspires him. I teared up reading that.  He's my rock and I love that no matter how far away we are, this so special best friend sibling forever love between us is as strong as anything I've ever known. And if he could only begin to understand all of the part he has played in making me into the me I am today :) I love you Zachy, oh so very much.


I went to the Adult Citizenship school that I will be tutoring at tonight, was told to not wear blue or red and if I feel uncomfortable call security to walk me to my car. On our way back to school we talked a little about growing up in places with gangs, lockdowns or just lockdown drills. About being asked what gang we are in or about knowing nothing about it. Then I read my anthropology about women being raped and not reporting it, about the meaning and effect that has on innocent women in country's where they are seen as free to be dominated by men.  And I thought about how lucky I am to have lived so much of my life feeling safe. Feeling protected. Feeling like I can wear whatever colors I want, feeling like most of the time Im ok to walk by myself, feeling like if someone ever violated me and my space in any way shape or form my family would be their to support me in kicking that person's ass... however that may be.  How lucky am I, are so many of us, to have the luxury of feeling safe, strong, independent and also supported by the system.  My sociological brain goes crazy thinking about all the people that don't have that, and how important it is to be aware, cognizant, and empathetic to all the other things that other people have dealt with that we haven't.  I also thought about how little I know about my country that immigrants are forced to learn, how I was born here and thats good enough but many people put months or years into studying "the" history, culture, language, stories... all of the things that are so far from black and white and still are not given rights to be a part of what I learned today in spanish should be una ensalada de intigracion instead of a mixing pot de asimilacion. 


Just think about it every once and a while. About all the people in this country, this world. All the differences. All the challenges. And all the amazingness. Open your eyes and your mind and your heart and learn and listen and take down the judgements and the walls.. and push the limits of understanding. Push the limits of life :)


I am in a place where I am pushed to think about these things on a daily basis, where pushing the limits of life is easy with opportunities to learn and grow surrounding me. I love this place. I love being pushed to push the limits. Watch out life.. Im on a mission to push it, to have my world rocked a little, to learn, to step out of my comfort zone. And fill myself to the brim of life <3

Sunday Joy

hello Sunday morning :)
I like the feel of today. Hayley and I are sitting in Mission City coffee shop, drinking chai, chatting, listening to music, just being.  Sundays are great when you can just relax and be and dont have loads of homework to worry about. I went for a morning swim and now Im here and it feels like a great day. A great day cause Im here, in this place that I love with every single piece of my being.  Because I had a fantastic weekend, perfect first Friday night out dancing, seeing people, being crazies and a great lazy Saturday.  Because Im right where I am supposed to be and I know it every single minute. And cause Im ready for another week of classes that make me think and full days of sucking the marrow out of life. I LOVE IT!

Last night I pulled out my pictures I had printed the beginning of last year and looking through them they felt so far away. Like so much life has happened since then, so much growing and learning and changing. So much new and different, that it almost feels like those pictures are from a different life time.  It was a weird feeling, its weird how life comes and goes and changes and you don't really feel like much is happening in the middle of it all. But you look back at things like that and are a little side swiped at how it all happens.   Its a little bittersweet. But more so, just reminds me how good life is :)

I guess I dont really have a whole lot of thoughtfulness flowing out of me today. Life is so so good. Everyday I am inspired by this place and the people around me to be better and to do more with my life. I dream so much about all of the life that is ahead of me. And enjoy every minute of the now. Sometimes  I wonder how I got so lucky. Someones watchin out :)

Hope your having a fantastic Sunday and dreaming big :) Lots of love from SC <3

slightly overwhelmed... extremely excited

Blogging is my oasis. Sorry if Im flooding anything I might be flooding but I need a little processing time.


WHOA!!!!!!


You know that feeling when your throat feels a little tight and your stomach has butterflies and you feel a little tense and tired just thinking about the chaos of life. I feel like that right now.
This quarter is going to be CRAZYYYYY!
I have so much wonderful life to live that I feel like I might forget to breathe. BUT Im living too good of a life to even need too much breathing time. Ha. Those are the words of a crazy person. I have a little weekly schedule thing in front of me where I can block off classes, work, SCCAP office hours, Arrupe and LUCHA and when I look at it.. the blank spots are sooo few it scares me. I KNOW its good. And I KNOW this is what Im here for and Im supposed to be spending time doing all this awesome stuff that I am so lucky to be a part of. But um..  I could use a little time to get in the swing of things.


Too bad.. there is not time for swinging :) So... HEREE WE GOOOOO!!! HOLD ON TIGHT!


I love being here. I love being slammed busy but loving every minute of the things I am doing. I love being surrounded by people who are just as busy and excited and full of life. I love feeling like there are so many opportunities, so many ways to fill my time. I LOVE IT!

I just might need a little reminder to breathe sometimes. To sleep. To exercise. And to eat normally.

Im gonna make this quarter fantastic. And stay on top of my game and love it.  Cause the train is a running so I gotta catch up :)

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now :) Time for bed! XOXO

dreamin, planning, dancing, growing, learning.. L I V I N G

well hello there world.  Happy end of the first day of school.
The first day of school. I like that those are a consistent in my life. Since I was just a little guy crying when my mom left me. And I still get to cry a little when my mom leaves me :). Good life.


Anyways... the first day of school was... LONG, busy, exhausting, exciting, scary, fun, new, dream creating, and all sorts of things. 
I worked this morning and did some thinking/planning/logistics doing before they had me stuffing envelopes. It went by fast. Its nice to be back there, to know people, to have a job, and to just have sometime to do whatever and be mindless.


Then it was school time. Anthropology and Contemporary Issues of BUSINESS... WHOA! Anthro is cool... totally my thing, as long as the professor stays cool I think Im gonna like it.  I really like learning about people, and seeing how societies and stuff work so Im excited for that.
Then business.  We talked about why we are in the class. Not kidding the majority said because their parents do business or they want (in some way shape or form) to make money. Then I spilled.. I'm the sociology major, totally out of my comfort zone, trying this out cause Im interested in foreign service and see the value of business paired with sociology, and I hope it works out... phew, got that off my chest. But... drum roll please... I LIKED IT and it made my little dreamer brain run like crazy.  And! The teacher is very... what I need. She altered the books definition of business to make it relative to non profits too, she sees the importance of that. She also is in charge of global fellows, the  summer international service internship program Im SUPER interested in. And I think its gonna be good.
Ill admit I was slightly intimidated. Its by no means going to be easy. But a challenge is good, and it will keep me on my toes. Im diving in, cause its all about risks and getting your world rocked here and there right. Im ready :)


Its so good to be back here. Its so good to be in classes that make my brain run and never stop. To walk around in the sunshine and roses and beauty of this place. To go swimming. To have cellar dinner and laugh so hard with my best friends. To be home <3 


This quarter is gonna be crazy busy. Im not sure when Ill breathe kinda busy. But its all good stuff. And thats what Im here for... to squeeze the marrow out of this life. So... we're running, hope my legs can keep up with my learning,dancing, growing and forever dreaming brain :)


P.S.  I also think Im really gonna love the management classes I have to take... back to my party planning days. Planning, organizing, team work. Exciting. I have big dreams coming out of these developments... and its only the beginning!


P.S.S. You KNOW it was a good day when I choose yellow :)

exhausted thoughts of sophomore year STARTING!!!

um hello there


sophomore year starts tomorrow.
and i want nothing more than to lay my little head down and sleep the night away so i am READY for the day :)
i am EXHAUSTED from moving in, organizing, seeing people, spilling excitement about SCCAP to people at the club fair and from all the emotions surrounding this whole moving in, starting school, crazy transition wonderfulness.


SCCAP retreat was fantastic. I love these people. Like seriously I LOVE THEM. They remind me whats important in life. And fill me so dang full of love and joy and passion that I just wanna bounce around and spread what they give me.  
I think I may end up studying abroad in El Salvador instead of Spain. long story.. to be explained later. But partially in my head forever, and very much so encouraged by many SCCAPers... it would be much more meaningful and unique. I like that.
These amazing kiddos also had my head running like crazy around Global Fellows and Donavan...both summer service programs that I will be involved in at least one of :)


They make me wanna do and be and live.
And I cant ask for anything more from the people I surround myself with 


Then I came home to Hayley. More making me want to do and be and live. Someone to share all this with. To talk about it and dream with. To love life with. To question everything. To talk about the importance of getting our worlds rocked. To encourage me and remind me who I am. And to have late night pillow talk with that leads to "I dunno what I do... I just be cheesy" ha


Confession... I SO wish I was living with her.
But she's near by, and we'll be spending plenty of time together. And she's my best friend SO its all good.


Anyways, Im moved in. It feels great.  I moved in pretty much by myself, which was a little hard and for a minute had me a little sad that my mom wasnt here hanging up my clothes and making my bed. But it all worked out, and her and I had so much good time together on our way out. Its weird being far away from Hayley and Lauren and Stella and the boys and everyone that was always around last year. We've had a couple moments of AHHHHHHH this is too weird.  
But I am so dang excited to be in San Fillipo. There is so much good stuff here. So many great people. And the walk to Hayley and Lauren's room really isn't that bad and we'll just meet new people.
Its going to be a FANTASTIC year and I am really really out of this world excited for all thats to come.


School starts tomorrow... WHOA
work at 8 and class at 2:15. I cant even believe it, and the transition will undoubtedly be slightly challenging but thats normal. So.. Im going to bed. Ill come back soon with better less exhausted thoughts.


Love you all so very much :)

running along with the always spinning record of life

So... I feel like I really owe the world of my blog (not sure who that is. me for later reference, my few lovely readers, my brain?) whoever that is, a bit of an update. Especially cause I am in transition mode, almost done transitioning and it has been a great transition...


All the packing, car washing, good bye saying came to a close Wednesday morning and we drove away.  I got up bright and early and went to the lake for a quick jog and stopped by to say bye to Eric. I love going there, I love being in a space that's his, and I love knowing that if nothing else, for the rest of my life he will bring me back to my little beloved town.  We were incredibly organized, the car was very full but everything fit and although I teared up a little saying bye to my dogs (I dunno why they make me cry) driving away felt good, to both of us.  We needed to get away, I needed to be on my way back here and the trip went so well.


The first night we stopped in Moab, camped on a little spot by the river surrounded my big red rocks towering over us. I went for a short hike, we made burritos on the fire (DELICIOUS) and we laid on the picnic table and looked at the stars. It was wonderful, and peaceful and good mamma time.  Day 2 we drove on this forever going straight, middle of no where two lane road to get to campsite number 2 in the least visit National Park in America. But again, beautiful.  In the woods, kinda mountainy and in between two little streams. It was great. My mom really knows how to camp and it was 2 great nights of peace and us time and just being on our terms.


The driving was long but it went by fast, we took turns, I jammed, took in the views (and despite the fact that we drove on the lonliest highway in America oh there were views) and just did our thing. And side note.. we BARELY fought at all. It was good stuff, we needed it, for each other time, for ourselves time, and for get away time. And for me it was exactly the transition I needed before coming back to the chaos and excitement and constantness of school.


Friday we met Jes and Kylie at her cabin near Kirkwood which was also great. We read and went for a hike and laughed til we cried playing board games and were lazy butts, another perfect thing for us.  We got to Santa Clara sunday night, did errands and showed mom a couple things on Monday and I dropped her off yesterday morning.  Another little bit sad moment but easier for both of us than it has been in the past. We know this is where I am supposed to be, we know that for life she'll be my mama and Ill be her little girl and it was ok. We talked a lot on the drive about how important it is to spread your wings and fly, to go see new places and do new things and learn and grow. I love that she is engrained that in me and forever will support me to go and do and fly away and learn. Its wonderful.


Now Im at Laurens house with Keely and Hayley laying around, catching up on life, running errands, talking about how excited we are to be back and just enjoying each others company. Its so good to be back. So good to come back to this little family that we are. And so exciting to think of all the wonderfulness that is ahead. Its hard for my head to keep up with all of this amazing life. And sometimes hard to connect the dots. But I think often they connect on their own. And all that I learned and felt this summer being home enjoying the mountains, at the different RYLAs and learning a little bit more about life comes with me, and forever it all just sorta connects and keeps running with you even when your body feels like you cant quite keep up. Life is so good. And I love that I am here and walk on campus and am completely in love with the place. Man... Im one lucky girl I tell ya.


Also.. I declared an International Business minor today.  I kind of had to so that I can get into a business class this quarter and try it out and of course its never permanent.  But... there are some emotions behind that. Super excited to try it out, see where it takes me, for the prospect of something new and different. And equally nervous.  Honestly, its a bit of  risky move. Unlike sociology, Im not a hundred percent sure that Im gonna like it or necesarilly succeed at it.  And its a big move.  The girls all joked about how its the flavor of the week, cause its true, I'd come home last year day after day with new ideas but this is the most Ive ever done about an idea.  And Im excited for the challenge. What's life without risks? And how am I ever going to know without trying it out. Just wish me luck that I wont completely suck at it and or completely hate it.  I think it's gonna be good though :)


Alright its nap time.  We go on SCCAP retreat tomorrow which should be fun. And move in Sunday! Its all rolling and Im just running with it trying to keep up :) Always hoping your life is as exciting and GGRREEAAATTT as I feel mine is. And thanking all of you for making mine that way (P.S. Susan and Jim, thanks for EVERYTHING getting me out of there and all summer and for the past 19 years, you guys really mean the world to me <3)


xoxoxo

best kind of leaving :)

helllo :)


im laying in bed. on my last night at home for a while. and it feels GREAT. I remember this same moment last year. My last night at home. Blogging. Scared. Sad. Excited but just SO unsure.  This year Im SO sure. So sure that its gonna be great and that I love it and that its everything I always hoped it would be. SO sure that I will go back there and be in heaven and not sad to not be here. So sure that my friends there will be like a big blanket welcoming me back. So sure that I will learn and grow and have the time of my life. And most importantly sure that it is right and where I am supposed to be and that leaving here for there is the best kinda leaving I could ever ask for.


I had a meltdown last night. And another one this morning. A mix of stress and saying bye and my parents being frustrating and all sorts of things. But honestly I needed that. I needed to fight with my mom a little to remind myself that I am where Im supposed to be at school and to remind myself that I AM SO READY TO GO BACK. And then I got over it and decided to focus on how wonderful this summer was and the fact that Im going back to wonderful. And no matter what silly things frustrate me between now and then Im gonna get there and thats what matters. SO Im letting go. Im gonna try so hard to be patient and just know that we will get there. And enjoy our time together. Cause why not?


This summer has been SOOOOO good. And Im so thankful that I got to be in these beautiful mountains. And that I made the most of it.  I played outside so much. Spent time with my best friends.  Made money.  Adventured, learned, grew. All the things I wanted to do.  It was GRREAATTTT! And now its time to go back and continue the great.


Im not feeling very sentimental.. I cried to much this morning to be mushy gushy. Which is ok because that way I can just be excited and not sad to leave. Because I know ill be back soon. And this place and my best friends and the things that matter will always be there. And I can come back and enjoy it and phones and skype and all things technology make 2,000 miles away seem like nothing :)


So heres to a wonderful drive enjoying the views and the time with my mamma and all sorts of things.  And to a wonderful summer. And an amazing sophomore year to come with all sorts of exciting adventures. Thanks home for an awesome summer, and for sending me on my way to keep learning,dancing,growing and forever dreaming :) See you sooon!


P.S. sophomore year bucket list!
-immersion trip
-camping!
-ski at Tahoe
-explore California
-road trip to Seattle
-be a big sister :)
-babysit
-keep up that Dean's List status
-declare a minor... or two
-meet lots of new people
-runnn and bike more :)
-hike!
- adventure adventure adventure!!!!!
-get in touch with Rotary/find Rotaract/ work on Rotaract E Club


yayyyyyy Im so excited :)
be back soon. Probably once Im in California. Send safe and fun and patient vibes my way for the miles of driving with mi mama. Mucho amor!!!!!!!!!!

THREE DAYS

hmmm... my thoughts are far too scattered to figure out how to start this somewhat normal. so.. hello :) 

before I get ahead of myself... I HAD SUCH A GOOD WEEKEND... and its not even over

Wednesday night i went to bed having one of those days where its just time to feel it.  where life just felt a little bit too scary to deal with at the moment.  I cried to Kelly and Victoria. There are a few people in my life that for whatever reason tears just flow easier around than others. They are some of those people and we got to talking about life and there they came.  And they listened and loved and understood and reminded me that I am me and life is life and all I can do is take care of mine. And I left feeling better but also slightly defeated by some of the things I cant and wont ever be able to control. So I came home and went to bed and I woke up the next morning ran, packed, got stuff done and was off to Boulder. To play and laugh and be with my best friends and remind myself that life is FAR too good to ever ever ever feel defeated.

The two days there was fantastic.  We rode bikes. And danced. And laughed. And lounged. And explored. And all sorts of things.  All but about 2 of my best friends in the entire world were in one house at the same time... HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY!??!?! And we just had all sorts of fun. It was exactly the two nights of adventure and friends and fun that I needed to get out of my blahhhhh funk and to commemorate my summer. It was fantastic... enough said.

Now Im home.  Spent the day at Beaver Lakes with the fam and came home to pack some more.  IM LEAVING IN THREE DAYS! The emotions behind that statement are overflowing. Excitement, nostalgia, stress, anxiety, a little bit of sadness, nervousness, so happy... soooo many things.  Packing is a pain in the butt.  Cause Im packing for school... a five day long drive drive to school... 5 days of camping during and after my arrival and about 5 days in between. Pain in the butt I tell you. 

The excitement is over ruling all the other emotions. And needs no explanation or thought. Im just SUPER stoked for SO many things. But... Im a little sad to leave home. To leave my best friends.. again.  Im a little nostalgic about the fact that.. I might not be back here for a very long period of time any time soon. Im nostalgic about leaving the beauty of this place.  

But.. I also realized that although this is home and it is soo unique and beautiful its not the only type of beautiful or the only unique type of beautiful. I have been SO lucky to live here for the last 19 years, to grow up here, to always call this home, but I need to keep finding different kinds of beauty. And Ill come back to the stars and mountains and amazing fairytale views

I also have so much faith in saying goodbye to my friends. I know now who will stay close. And that the ones who matter are the ones that stay close. And its beautiful :)

So... enjoying the next three days and hoping I an get everything done without having a nervous break down and IM OFF TO CALIFORNIA for the next adventure :) YAY! 

<3

Confession

I have a confession to make


Behind all the excitement and chaos and readiness for school.


Im starting to get sad about leaving. Im not sure Im ready to let go of this home, let go even more than before.


Ive fallen in love with all that it is again.  And Im not good at letting go.


Im on to another amazing adventure and I will be back.
But...still scared to let go.

boxes of life, love and loss

Im not sure where to start.


My eyes hurt from crying. But my heart is full. Of love and memories and life and remembering and feeling.  Ive been going through all of our boxes of pictures. And have made some serious progress.  Always there are things that ping my heart. Pictures of our family as a whole.  Pictures of me and Eric.  Jesse and Eric.  Letters and cards from people sending their thoughts and prayers.  Those boxes are full of life, loss and love.  And going through them is so fulfilling to me cause so much of that life and loss I didnt feel like they did.  And everytime I go through it I feel it a little more, I experience a little more, learn a little more.  First I found an autograph book from Disneyland. Signed by all sorts of characters.. and then mom and dad "To me amor, love mom" "To my most beautiful daughter, love dad". Thats when the first tears came.  When I was their world.  When love was shown all the time. I was their pride and joy.  Life kinda got in the way of that. 


Then came the journal.  The journal I have looked at so many times and balled my eyes out everytime.  It starts when Jesse is born, mom talking about the joy of being pregnant, about wanting 2 or 3 kids, about loving my dad so much, about all these things that are now so far away. She skips years and years in between. To Eric's birth. To Eric's first diagnosis, to his relapses, and random things here and there in between.  In the beginning of May 91 she starts to write everyday, after the doctors tell her Eric has very little time left. Sometimes she writes about her feelings, more often she is very to the point, this is what we did. You can tell she is scared and a little bit numb but they are filling their days full.  Then May 28th. She writes, Eric died at noon.  From then on she writes day after day of the experiences the feelings the loss. And I read and I ball, and sob, and cry my heart out. And feel it all through her. I feel for her, I feel for our family, I feel for Eric.  I miss him like she does, I am reminded of all the pain that they and we have all felt. The pain that is so easy to find when I read those things that comes right back to the surface.  But its ok for me to feel it.  I do this every once and a while.  Go through the pictures and books and cards and just feel it.  I think its important for me since I was so young and there is so much I don't understand. I learn through the pictures and stories, again and again as I get older and can understand and feel more. And as much as it hurts I love it. I love to feel it. I love to learn about it. Even with my eyes blurry and sleeves soaked from tears I cant stop reading, I want to know it all, all the feelings. 


Its crazy how that changed us.  How my mom felt it all. And my dad probably did too. But reading her writing makes it so real. And I wish we could all be together and I could hug them and tell them how very much I love them and we could all cry together.  Cause its so much better to feel things together. I miss him. I wish just like she does that we had more life together.  I wish for her that she could have kept him her life. She would be so much more whole.  She lost so much, and I think in some ways she never got it back.  I want to give it all back to her.  What a thing to go through.  I hope someday we can all be together again. I dont know about god or religion or heaven, but I truly hope is up there and that is where we will all end up. And we can be happy and together and love each other.  And it will all come circle.  
I want her to be happy more than anything, to have the full life she dreamt of, to grow and explore and give back.  In the early parts of the journal she wrote of wanting all the things I want now.  Of not wanting to be stuck in Leadville, of exploring and giving and being open to people and the world and finding peace within herself. I hope someday she can do that. 


Its so hard to feel all of that. But I always come out of it knowing that I was given so much from this loss. I believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes its hard to understand those reasons, and sometimes maybe things dont turn out as planned, but I have faith in something, that everything will be ok.  Everything in my life is so wonderful. I am so lucky and so in love with life.  I have found my way. And have so much wonderful life left to live and learn from.  Life is not about it being easy, life is about learning and growing and loving.  And I think I can do that.  I hope at some point everyone gets to where I am. In love with life. Excited everyday to grow and learn and explore and to live.


I have so many more thoughts...
dinner w/ Ferne tonight... wonderful
4 nights left at home.. bittersweet
2 days left of work.. awesome
letting go of Leadville forever... not sure Im ready for that
being in Santa Clara.. so ready for that
so much to be excited for, so much to love, and easy to think about the things Im letting go of. Another new chapter. And I know so well that its going to be wonderful and that all of life just flows together. Somehow :)


Goodnight
Dont forget to feel and love and learn!
XOXOXO <3